Chapter Fourty-Five – Rouganda Completely Destroyed

Genarius leads everybody along. They pass some mountains that are called the ‘high plateau of death’. This sounds rather interesting. I’d like to know why it’s called that. Tesch doesn’t bother explaining, though.

After awhile they arrive at Rouganda, which, much like the title of this chapter suggests, has been completely destroyed. Genarius explains that Gertrude and co. destroyed the village, however, due to a miracle all of the children were saved. The miracle was…the powers of evil attacked right after all the children went down to the shore to catch some fish. That doesn’t really sound like a miracle to me. It sounds like a happy coincidence.

Genarius explains that the powers of evil are well-organized and attack in groups. Joey asks him why.

“Joey, you should know better! You crossed with your sister Maya the seven bridges of temptations successfully. You should know that ‘The powers of evil believe in teamwork’!” (page 328).

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.

Is Tesch trying to make these villains as non-threatening as possible? They have their Club of Evil, and they believe in teamwork. Next she’ll be telling us how the villains always use the Buddy System when they go swimming, and they shake hands with the opposing team after a intramural sports event.

Anyway, there wasn’t really a point to this chapter except to reiterate that the Empire is Evil. Although at least Tesch has a one-up on Paolini, because her Bad Guys actually do, y’know, bad things.

Drinks: 18

Chapter Fourty-Six – The Pool of Blood

Genarius blindfolds everyone except for Maya and Joey. Why? Well that’s actually a really good question. Back when AstroJesus was telling everyone they had to be blindfolded, he was speaking to EVERYONE, and did not specifically exclude Maya and Joey. I think, though, that this is more Tesch being a poor writer than Genarius doing anything untoward. Tesch’s point here is that obviously Maya and Joey aren’t being blindfolded because they are Speshul and the ‘Encouragers’ and as such they get to see the way to the secret hiding place that nobody else does.

Applying logic to the situation, though, this is a terrible idea. The more people who know of this location, the greater the chances of the secret getting out. That’s just simple math. Let’s not forget that Maya and Joey are both reasonably stupid children, and should under no circumstances be trusted with any potentially world-destroying information. The entire reason AstroJesus wanted to blindfold everyone is so Apollyon couldn’t force anyone to reveal its location. Nice going, morons. Hopefully this will come back to bite them in the ass later.

I would like to point out, though, that this entire thing is rather idiotic. They have over 300 people with over 300 horses. That number of people will leave a trail beaten into ground that a blind man could follow. Apollyon isn’t going to need a Ranger to track them to this pool. Don’t worry though…this never actually comes into play.

The men were now walking, holding with their left hand the holsters of the own horse and with their right hand the horse’s tail in front of them (page 330).

This is a really, really good way to get yourself kicked in the face. And it’s called a HALTER, not a HOLSTER.

Savvy?

Blah de blah, they walk along through the mountains:

The path was so narrow that the horses and the men had no room for mistakes (page 331).

Well good thing they can all see where they’re going oh wait never mind they’re blindfolded.

They walk through the mountains for a bit and eventually they arrive at the pool of blood.

The surface of that lake looked like frozen red glass (page 331).

How can glass be frozen?

Maya asks Genarius if they can lead the horses into the pool as well. Genarius says that that is a BRILLIANT idea and gives them permission and asks them to take his horse in for a dip as well.

Joey took the two unicorns, the horse of General Genarius and led them to the lake (page 332).

The unicorns are intelligent creatures that are capable of speech. You don’t need to ‘lead’ them anywhere, Tesch.

Maya and the few other girls that are there go off to a secluded part of the lake to strip down and take a dip. Maya has to drag Phoenix into the lake to get him completely covered. Calling bullshit on this one. As will be shortly announced, you have to let the liquid completely dry onto your body afterwards for it to have any effect. Any dog is going to immediately shake the water off him after it gets out of the lake. So will the horses, for that matter.

Maya enjoys swimming and diving in the lake and spends three paragraphs expositing to herself about how awesome it is. I can’t help but point out that even if the liquid is not real blood, it’s still called the Pool of Blood and it’s the color of blood and so swimming and diving in it would be extremely disgusting and disturbing.

All the people, the horses and the unicorns of the assembly were now swimming and diving in the lake (page 333).

Good luck getting a horse to dive into a lake of blood. Good luck dunking them, as well.

Tesch randomly tells us about Genarius:

Basically he was a private and quite person (page 334).

I think you mean “quiet”. There’s another drink.

When he saw everybody swimming and diving in the lake he had a big smile on his face (page 334).

Which is really really disturbing, considering that everyone in the lake is stark naked. He does go on to think about how the powers of Evil will be surprised when their weapons don’t work on everyone, but it’s still rather creepy.

Genarius gets worried suddenly and orders everyone out of the lake. Everyone gets out.

Only Phoenix tried to shake off the liquid, but he couldn’t (page 335).

Why not? If the liquid just sticks to you and you can’t get it off, why do they need to spend several pages standing around waiting for it to dry? And if not, then a dog would be able to shake it off. Nice try, Tesch.

Genarius feels vibrations in the air, which basically means that the forces of Evil are approaching. He worries, weighing whether they should leave immediately versus whether they should wait for everyone to dry. This takes up all of page 335.

Page 336 consists of the vibrations growing even stronger, and everyone getting a little bit more nervous.

Page 337 consists of the vibrations growing even stronger, and everyone getting a little bit more nervous.

On page 338 they finally are dry and grab their clothes and take off and that is that. Yes. Tesch just wasted three and a half pages jacking up tension for no reason.

Drinks: 12

Chapter Fourty-Seven – The Triangle

The Empire is most displeased:

Abbadon, their commander, yelled at the seven spirits, “What do you mean by telling me that you lost the position of this little group of punks led by a bunch of children and this General Genarius.” (page 339)

Heheh punks. Also, there should be a question mark at the end of that sentence.

One of the spirits explains that they followed them to Rouganda, where they were resting, so they left and went to find Abbadon. This is moronic. Why wouldn’t you leave a couple of the spirits to watch the people you’re supposed to be tracking while the other spirits go to fetch Abbadon? Christmas, these villains are incompetent.

Abbadon refers to them as ‘earthlings’, which really doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. The Maradonians don’t refer to their planet as ‘Earth’, but even if they did, everyone on the planet would be an earthling. It doesn’t make sense unless Abbadon was from Mars. Hmm, maybe Tesch is trying to tell us something.

The spirits explain that their tracks vanished at the village, which we’ve already established is bullshit. Abbadon continues to rage:

“The fact is that it is simply not possible for them to disappear with over three hundred people in mid air. We are controlling the air! Only we have the flying saucers! There are no other aliens from other planets horsing around in the air. People believe the nonsense that the aliens come from other planets. Let them believe it! We are the aliens! We are the rulers and the principalities of the air and we know what happens in the air. The fact remains that these three hundred people are not flying somewhere through the air!” (page 342).

This would be a far more dramatic reveal if there had been any indication of flying saucers or UFOs anywhere in this book prior to this page, but there hasn’t.

The spirits explain that they did see thirteen warriors by themselves talking about how they should have gone with everyone else. Abbadon dispatches some spirits to follow them and some more spirits to try and track down everyone else. He then muses on why they would do something random like this.

“I don’t understand this action at all but even for us there are still things between heaven and earth which we don’t understand!” (page 344).

Despite being an absolute moron, Abbadon seems remarkably grounded in his own shortcomings. Except for the fact that he’s a moron, unfortunately.

Drinks: 14

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Comment

  1. Licht on 7 October 2010, 19:23 said:

    Why were all the children fishing and none of the adults?

    The powers of evil believe in teamwork? Does that mean teamwork is evil now? Or… Wait… maybe Tesch is wittier than we thought! Maybe the “Evil Villains” in her book are just an allegory for her critics? We are the Club of Evil and we believe in Teamwork!

    XD The holster – halter thing could have happened to me. It’s both “Halfter” in German.

    Maybe she meant frosted glass, which would be something like milk glass, right?

    They would have to lead the unicorns if they were blindfolded. I suppose they didn’t blindfold the horses. But still the unicorns are capable of speech so they could possibly tell someone the location of that bloody pool…

    I still think the dog is only there because Tesch wanted to have a dog herself.

    Sadly the red pool of blood reminds me of what happened in Hungary: http://www.landbote.ch/typo3temp/pics/bf38eaae64.jpg
    I wouldn’t swim in that.
    Plus, there is some sort of algae that, when in bloom, turns water red and is toxic, too.
    Red water =\ swim in it.

    When he saw everybody swimming and diving in the lake he had a big smile on his face (page 334).
    Buahahahaaa I like that guy. XD

    Tesch’s writing style is really… strange… even to me… I have never read anything like that. It’s just so… wrong!

    Huh? “We are the aliens”? O…k… Go on Abdings.

    Thanks for sporking. Funny read as always. ;)

  2. Lord Bob Bree on 7 October 2010, 19:43 said:

    “Joey, you should know better! You crossed with your sister Maya the seven bridges of temptations successfully. You should know that ‘The powers of evil believe in teamwork’!” (page 328).

    Usually its the good guys who go on and on about the power of teamwork/friendship/love/etc.

    It seems who is really good and who is really evil will be the big plot-twist at the end of the book! …Or not.

  3. dragonarya on 7 October 2010, 20:14 said:

    Although at least Tesch has a one-up on Paolini, because her Bad Guys actually do, y’know, bad things.

    Though as least Pao-Pao knows how to spell and use quotations properly…

  4. TakuGifian on 7 October 2010, 20:15 said:

    Wait, when did this epic fantasy become an epic sci-fi?

    Also, how many words are actually on pages 335-8? You say she took up all those pages, but if the formatting is still what it used to be, it could only be a few paragraphs.

  5. Danielle on 7 October 2010, 21:28 said:

    Aliens? Really?

    Looks like we need to call the professionals:

  6. Talisman on 7 October 2010, 22:31 said:

    The weird thing is, having the Big Bads be aliens could have been a decent twist, if there had been even the slightest trace of foreshadowing. Or logic. Or competence.

    “We are the aliens!” [snicker]

  7. swenson on 8 October 2010, 14:23 said:

    GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    That is all.

  8. Magus on 8 October 2010, 16:07 said:

    I was going to note that by “frozen” she probably meant “frosted” glass, but then I read this:

    “there are still things between heaven and earth which we don’t understand!”

    and I frothed with rage.

  9. WarriorsGate on 9 October 2010, 00:26 said:

    OMG, the village where a massacre takes place is a portmanteau of ‘Rwanda’ and ‘Uganda’.

    That is so crass.

  10. Licht on 9 October 2010, 01:45 said:

    I thought of Hurghada, but Uganda makes even more sense. The name just sounded awfully familiar. XD

  11. Puppet on 9 October 2010, 02:20 said:

    I know this has been said thousands of times, but this book just keeps getting worse and worse. At least Paolini and Meyer’s books are readable, this is like reading something a teenager wrote on his phone while on drugs.

  12. falconempress on 9 October 2010, 04:31 said:

    They have their Club of Evil, and they believe in teamwork. Next she’ll be telling us how the villains always use the Buddy System when they go swimming, and they shake hands with the opposing team after a intramural sports event.

    And dont forget the corporate retreats, complete with team – building exercises and seminars.

  13. RandomX2 on 12 October 2010, 01:25 said:

    Well good thing they can all see where they’re going oh wait never mind they’re blindfolded

    That made me :D

    The Club of Evil reminds me of Walmart, oddly enough. I don’t know why that comes to mind…

  14. Danielle on 12 October 2010, 12:40 said:

    The Club of Evil reminds me of Walmart, oddly enough. I don’t know why that comes to mind…

    Maybe because of this?

    Or this?

  15. Kytescall on 12 October 2010, 20:12 said:

    How much more till the end?

  16. Rorschach on 12 October 2010, 21:21 said:

    The book is 810 pages long and I’m at page 345.

  17. Kytescall on 13 October 2010, 04:58 said:

    That’s awesome. Looking forward to the next one.

  18. swenson on 13 October 2010, 09:09 said:

    The book is 810 pages long and I’m at page 345.

    O.O SERIOUSLY?! And here I was thinking we were nearing the end! I begin to understand why no one else has ever done the entire book. Tesch really does think it’s all about quantity, doesn’t she?

  19. Danielle on 13 October 2010, 14:44 said:

    The book is 810 pages long and I’m at page 345.

    I am so sorry. Y’know, most authors would’ve made the aforementioned scene (pervy Genarius and all) the buildup to the climax….but I guess Tesch has no idea what a climax is.

  20. Kytescall on 13 October 2010, 15:59 said:

    It’s MarySueism. They must get their 1337 superpowers as soon as possible. It’s the rules.

  21. RoxisAngel on 13 October 2010, 20:03 said:

    … How many chapters are in the book?

  22. Rorschach on 13 October 2010, 20:43 said:

    … How many chapters are in the book?

    Ninety.

  23. Kytescall on 14 October 2010, 05:56 said:

    Tesch really does think it’s all about quantity, doesn’t she?

    Doesn’t she format the entire book in a way that deliberately inflates the number of pages, then insist that it’s page number, not word count that difines the size of a novel?

  24. swenson on 14 October 2010, 11:46 said:

    True; I’d almost been able to blank that from my memory, but yep, that’s our girl.

  25. Thea on 27 October 2010, 23:56 said:

    Frozen glass like my windshield this morning? All iced over and when I find the windshield scraper it is broken?

    That’s a funky looking lake…does it have ice crystals on it too?

  26. Zach Johansen on 5 November 2015, 11:39 said:

    “The fact is that it is simply not possible for them to disappear with over three hundred people in mid air. We are controlling the air! Only we have the flying saucers! There are no other aliens from other planets horsing around in the air. People believe the nonsense that the aliens come from other planets. Let them believe it! We are the aliens! We are the rulers and the principalities of the air and we know what happens in the air. The fact remains that these three hundred people are not flying somewhere through the air!” (page 342).

    “Rulers and the principalities of the air”. Abbadon… Nope, totally not Satan from the Bible! Not at all!