Chapter Twenty-Two

This chapter has minor technical changes, all for the better, and corrected numerous errors, such as “there” to “their”, which is nice. They also misspelled “possess” as “posses”, which is less nice.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Identical, for awhile, and then this gem:

Maya came so hefty under the influence of this unusual atmosphere of heavenly music (location 1939).

Came so hefty? What does that even mean? And get your mind out the gutter.

It continues to be more or less identical until Tesch tells us that Maya feels “suddenly pretty numb.”

Tesch hasn’t fixed it, so the unicorns still have holsters instead of harnesses, which would actually have been pretty high on my list of things to fix, since it’s fucking retarded. Joey still gets a Blitz Action to the brain, which is still italicized, although the quotation marks are gone. He pulls out his knife – hang on, Tesch, Joey doesn’t have a knife, remember? You changed it to a machete. Don’t tell me you didn’t correct all of the old references to a knife? You do realize that Word has a handy find and replace feature, don’t you?

Chapters Twenty-Four – Thirty One

No real changes, although now one of Maya’s escorts as she’s gallivanting around the Lake Lagoon is Captain Henry, who she’ll fall in love with a bit later on.

Chapter Thirty-Two

No real changes.

Chapter Thirty-Three

Again, no real changes, although she’s still the most beautiful black woman, and there’s still the nonsense about the deadly index finger. I am pleased. It means that Maradonia will still be recognized by a whole new wave of readers as the absolute crock of shit it truly is.

Chapter Thirty-Four

Chapter is more or less the same. Tesch continues to remove the nonsensical ‘quotation’ marks, but there are still plenty of moronic italics in there for no reason, and worse, she’s added italics in many areas that don’t need it.

Chapter Thirty-Five – Thirty-Seven

No real changes.

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Here’s the first mention of Apollyon’s Club of Evil….except, unfortunately, it’s been changed to “Apollyon’s Society of Evil”. It’s a bit of a step down, but it’s still pretty awesome. Someone needs to set up an Apollyon’s Society of Evil page on Facebook.

Then we get this gem, when Joey is marveling at their jewel-encrusted silverware, and mentions that they eat off plastic back at home.

“Plastic plates and plastic cups? What is that?” Senator Hilton asked suspicious (location 3848)

Shouldn’t that be “suspiciously”?

“Hmmm…some cheep material without any value.” (location 3848)

It’s spelled “cheap”, Tesch.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

No real changes.

Chapter Forty

It’s correctly spelled “forty” rather than “fourty”. Well done, Team Tesch.

Chapter Forty-One

They changed Maya’s line from “it’s your funeral” to “it’s your free will decision”, which doesn’t really make sense, but it does make Maya less of a bitch.

Chapter Forty-Two

No real changes.

Chapter Forty-Three – Blood Bond

This chapter is titled Blood Bond rather than Blood Warrior Bond, and it has a crazy confusing picture instead of the connected letters images from the previous version, which is step up in the same way that a poorly made pie is a step up from a cow pie.

The people were amazed to see the King of Maradonia in person and greatly surprised they bowed deeply down because the appearance of the legendary king in the public was a very seldom event (location 4223).

Holy fuck that sentence is atrocious.

Shouldn’t that be “in public” instead of “in the public”?

Shouldn’t that be “a very rare event” instead of an abuse of the world seldom?

Chapter Forty-Four

No real changes.

Chapter Forty-Five

Chapter title is changed from “Rouganda Completely Destroyed” to “the Village of Rouganda”, which does a much better job at not being a spoiler.

The powers of evil still believe in teamwork!

Chapter Forty-Six

Tesch didn’t correct the mistake from “quite” to “quiet”. I’m starting to suspect she didn’t use my sporkings as a guide for editing her book.

Chapter Forty-Seven

In the old version:

“We have time…we can play our favorite game with them… cat and mouse!”

Fair enough. A little retarded and obvious, but okay. Here’s the new version:

“we have time… we can play our favorite game with them… ‘Kitty and the Mouse-chens’!” (location 4674)

Really, Tesch? Really?

Chapter Forty-Eight – Chapter Fifty-One

No real changes.

Chapter Fifty-Two

Instead of Abbadon playing hardball, now the Demonic Trinity plays hardball. Which is a pretty big difference.

Chapter Fifty-Three

No real changes.

Chapter Fifty-Four

By and large, most of the changes to the wording and grammar through this updated version are for the better. Sure, there’s been a few idiotic phrases that were left in the same as the old version, but for the most part, if it’s been changed, it’s better. It’s like they actually had an editor go through and mark it up with red pen. Not a particularly good editor, but maybe some college dropout who read a lot and got B-plusses in English.

Then occasionally you get bits like this:

Old version: searching through many of his very old books but he could not find the answer

Short, sweet, and to the point. But they decided to change it, for reasons that escape me:

New version: searching through many of his old books but he was unable and could not find any answer

What, precisely, does the “unable” add to this sentence?

We also get a sentence like this:

Apollyon searched and searched through many more books but he could not find the location of the pool until it was suddenly absolutely clear to him that this pool still existed, somewhere in the triangle between Thordis River, the Canyon River and the Cornerstone Mountains at the foothills of the plateau (location 5286).

So….he searches and searches and finds nothing, which makes it clear to him where the pool is. Yeah, that makes sense.

Chapter Fifty-Five

Tesch coins a new phrase: “vehemently overwhelmed with joy”.

Chapter Fifty-Six

After Abbadon kills Remmilos with a fireball, we find out:

Orphilios and Marcarios who were definitely possessed and literally eaten up by their thoughts of revenge (location 5590).

I don’t think that’s what ‘literally’ means, Tesch.

This chapter has been reorganized a bit. Orphilios and Marcarios follow Plouton outside halfway through the meeting and plant the idea to have Abbadon disappear and install Plouton in his place. We then cut back inside to the meeting. There’s some actually really nice bits of characterization for Plouton, who gets more and more bitter as he isn’t chosen to lead any of the divisions of the army.

In the original version, someone asks why they don’t use their air ships to attack. All mention of the airships, spaceships, and aliens has been removed, and now it’s “Giants from the inner earth”, which is adorable. The mother earth song bit is cut out entirely, and the book ends on this note:

“We will get drunk…by drinking the warm blood of our enemies!” (location 5755)

Isn’t this book marketed towards kids? Adorable little kids? Like this one:

But that’s it. That’s the e-book. Overall, it’s a significant step forward, from “eye-gougingly bad” to “appallingly bad”. Unfortunately, if you want it for the lulz, it’s significantly less funny than the original edition, so be warned. If you’re thinking of springing for the actual book, I’d recommend buying it used off Amazon, as you can get the original version for roughly the same price, and have twice as much story, to boot.

In closing, I’ll point you to this review on Amazon where Team Tesch explains why Gloria Tesch can write better than Neil Gaiman.

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Comment

  1. LoneWolf on 15 July 2012, 15:46 said:

    The people were amazed to see the King of Maradonia in person and greatly surprised they bowed deeply down because the appearance of the legendary king in the public was a very seldom event

    The King of Maradonia sounds fairly struck-up or isolated from his people.

    Isn’t this book marketed towards kids? Adorable little kids?

    It’s a Dark and Mature Production that metaphorically and spiritually teaches children about the ‘evil of the world’ though the characters Apollyon, Abaddon, Plouton and Alana.

  2. Pryotra on 15 July 2012, 16:44 said:

    Boo. She changed my favorite part.

    On the other hand, if she’s changed it, can I mention the Club of Evil as a joke in something I write?

  3. Fireshark on 15 July 2012, 18:29 said:

    I think Kitty and the Mouse-chens makes up for a few of the positive changes. What does that even mean?

  4. Prince O' Tea on 15 July 2012, 19:48 said:

    Maybe the Gothic Movement had an all night binge on Hetalia and Death Note, and that’s the name they’ve given their little weaboo group? You know the type, buying tutus from Hot Topic and telling people they are “gothic lolitas”.

    I quite like the name Society of Evil. It makes it seem like we all have monocles and smoking jackets, and we sit around a table, drinking English Breakfast and plotting dastardly deeds.

  5. swenson on 15 July 2012, 20:39 said:

    I’ve added a few things to my Maradonia quotes file thanks to this. I realized I didn’t have any from the first book (I only started keeping the file in The Gold of Ophir), so that’s been rectified. If I want more, though, I’ll have to actually go back and reread the old sporks!

    AND NOW, for your READING PLEASURE… a choice selection from the quotes file!

    “Maya told me about their ambitions and I can smell the weasels.”

    Italics original.

  6. Pryotra on 15 July 2012, 21:45 said:

    “Maya told me about their ambitions and I can smell the weasels.”

    What.

    giggle

    snicker

    I don’t know what that means, but it’s funny. Ah, Maradonia. It wins the prize for best unintentional comedy any day.

  7. Fell Blade on 16 July 2012, 08:40 said:

    I saw that the “Escape from the Underworld” eBook was released this weekend. Oh boy…

  8. Fireshark on 16 July 2012, 08:51 said:

    Seriously though, I’ll buy it. The first one was pretty lulzy.

  9. Pryotra on 16 July 2012, 09:39 said:

    Maybe the Gothic Movement had an all night binge on Hetalia and Death Note, and that’s the name they’ve given their little weaboo group? You know the type, buying tutus from Hot Topic and telling people they are “gothic lolitas”.

    It does kind of sound like that. Particularly since they would have misspelled ‘chan’ and such. Maybe they were watching a bad fansub. Some of them can be pretty hilarious. Particularly when the person translating doesn’t know English all too well. (Ex. “Do not come inside me without permission” and “All your bases are belongs to us”)

    I quite like the name Society of Evil. It makes it seem like we all have monocles and smoking jackets, and we sit around a table, drinking English Breakfast and plotting dastardly deeds.

    Obviously Glo has realized that we’re a classy kind of evil. I still want a Secret Evil Handshake.

  10. Pryotra on 16 July 2012, 09:41 said:

    That’s odd…

    It submitted twice…

  11. Fireshark on 16 July 2012, 09:55 said:

    Although I doubt there’s an actual anime connection here, that did get me thinking. When will Gloria try to have her books translated into other languages? It’s certainly less ambitious than a movie, and would increase the possible size of the fanbase.

  12. swenson on 16 July 2012, 10:25 said:

    I volunteer to translate them into really horrible Spanish. I have all the right qualifications for such a job—two years of high school Spanish and some study on my own, plus a few trips to Mexico. That’s all you need to be a translator, right?

    No, seriously, I would totally do this. Not even joking, you guys.

    Not even joking.

  13. LoneWolf on 16 July 2012, 11:25 said:

    For some reason, Escape from the Underworld has exactly the same chapter with Professor Epstein in the beginning of the book as in the beginning of Seven Bridges. The Tesches are definitely very lazy and halfassed with their “story-within-a-story” format.

  14. Fireshark on 16 July 2012, 11:33 said:

    Damn it. Really? I was hoping there was an epilogue where the framing device actually gets wrapped up. That prologue was the funniest bit of new writing.

  15. LoneWolf on 16 July 2012, 11:37 said:

    Well, we’re not by the end of the series yet, so it’s possible that in the very last book (if an official ‘last book of the Maradonia-Saga’ will actually exist) it will be wrapped up. Don’t count on it, though!

  16. Kurt on 16 July 2012, 13:25 said:

    I think Kitty and the Mouse-chens makes up for a few of the positive changes. What does that even mean?

    -chen is a diminutive suffix in German. Example:

    Maus = mouse
    Mäuschen = small mouse

    …so I guess that the Tesches meant

    Mouse-chens = small mice (Insert LOLcat here.)

  17. Fireshark on 16 July 2012, 13:36 said:

    Thanks! It’s weird that someone who grew up in the US would think people would get it.

  18. LoneWolf on 16 July 2012, 21:04 said:

    Hmm. Is Gloria at least partially bilingual?

  19. Prince O' Tea on 16 July 2012, 21:15 said:

    Pryotra, didn’t you know that Maya and Joey are evil bakas, and that oujia boards are totally sugoi, desu?

    I like to think we are a very classy Club of Evil. Anyone fancy an evil scone and an evil cup of earl grey?

  20. Requiem on 17 July 2012, 10:53 said:

    i’m glad they kept the most beautiful black person part, its just so damn hilarious.

    I also have to say that they might have taken out a few gems but team tesch definitely added some in the process. Let’s hope for some more meme worthy phrases in the next book whenever it comes out.

  21. Fell Blade on 17 July 2012, 11:50 said:

    Ok, so the new eBook of Escape from the Underworld became available on Saturday, and the “publisher” Liberty’s Book Press posted this five star review…

    Gloria Tesch approached our company with her first book manuscript when she was twelve (12) years old. We loved the stories, the main characters (Maya and Joey), and their fight with the dark fairies and the slick Hoodmen of the ruler of the Underworld, as well as his two cruel sons (Prince Abbadon and Prince Plouton)
    But to be honest, we did not expect such a big success especially in the Tampa Bay Area in Florida. We are honored to have this gifted teenager author Gloria Tesch on board and believe that with Harry Potters wand in retirement and the vampires and werewolves of Twilight soon to slink off into the sunset, the Maradonia Saga will soon rise with its six 400 page books and stand poised to be the next multiplex smash.

    While I can’t say that I wouldn’t mind seeing sparkle-pires and werewolves slinking off in shame, I doubt this “saga” will be the one to replace them, or Harry Potter for that matter.

  22. LoneWolf on 17 July 2012, 12:46 said:

    Heh, “approached our company”. Nice try to make it sound like the company existed before Gloria started writing her Saga. Why does Liberty’s Book Press have Gloria depicted on their Amazon account photo? Doesn’t it slightly contradict the impression they’re trying to give?

  23. Fell Blade on 17 July 2012, 12:55 said:

    I know, right? It even has her name on the profile too…

  24. Fireshark on 17 July 2012, 13:00 said:

    If Fifty Shades of Grey can be a movie, I know Maradonia can.

  25. Sahgo on 17 July 2012, 20:25 said:

    I know this is minor, but I love the “twelve (12) years old” part. It’s kinda like someone in real life going “I’m a doctor. See? I have a doctor’s certificate! Let me rub it on your face so you can see it better”.

  26. VikingBoyBilly on 17 July 2012, 22:13 said:

    “Pauline Vehedi” copied and pasted part of her review of Seven Bridges into Gold of Ophir and Escape from the Underworld.

  27. Danielle on 18 July 2012, 13:33 said:

    Aww, now Apollyon’s Club of Evil won’t be able to make awesome CDs!

    Oh well. Kitty and the Mouse-Chens sounds like a teenybopper band, so I guess we’ll have to make do with them.

  28. Prince O' Tea on 18 July 2012, 19:51 said:

    The arrogance, delusion and wishful thinking is so thick, that you could cut it with a knife.

  29. Betty Cross on 18 July 2012, 20:03 said:

    The arrogance, delusion and wishful thinking is so thick, that you could cut it with a knife.

    You left out the incompetent writing.

  30. Prince O'Tea on 19 July 2012, 14:18 said:

    “Shut up Betty. You’re just jealous that you’re not the World’s Youngest Novelist. Take your irrelivnt criticisms and stop being such a hater. My comment has great bones, and would easily work much better as a film then a comment why can’t you see that? Behind every great commenter is a pack of jealos haters!!!!”

    Sorry, sorry. The sockpuppeted reviews on Amazon are so meme-worthy it’s not true.

  31. Betty Cross on 20 July 2012, 08:30 said:

    I assure you, Ms. Sockpuppet, Gloria’s literary efforts to date give me no reason to feel jealous. ;)

  32. Betty Cross on 20 July 2012, 08:33 said:

    If Fifty Shades of Grey can be a movie, I know Maradonia can.

    50 Shades is a bestselling ebook. Maradonia won’t be a film unless it can draw much better numbers than it has to date.

  33. Prince O' Tea on 20 July 2012, 09:11 said:

    That’s why I love people who use the “u jelly” argument to everything. No sweetie, no one is jealous of your terrible work.

  34. Pryotra on 20 July 2012, 14:39 said:

    Looks like her sockpuppets/friends are getting into an argument with her ‘negative’ commenters.

  35. Prince O' Tea on 20 July 2012, 21:05 said:

    On amazon? This I gotta see!

  36. Pryotra on 21 July 2012, 07:23 said:

    Yup. Looks like she’s going to back down though. After calling one of them a troll, she vanished again. Probably to write another review or something.

  37. Prince O'Tea on 21 July 2012, 07:44 said:

    Another review where she berates the meanness of the negative reviews, and frantically plugs the movie value of her book.

    What I find hilarious is when you click on her book, Amazon suggests other vanity published trainwrecks such as Antigua: the Land of Fairies, Wizards and Heroes/Keeper Martin Tales.

  38. Betty Cross on 21 July 2012, 09:04 said:

    My fave of the recent 5-star reviews is the one where Maradonia is compared to Game of Thrones. I’ve never read any of the Song of Fire and Ice series, but they’ve gotta be better than this.

  39. Merlitaru on 21 July 2012, 10:21 said:

    I saw that one I died inside when I saw it. Mardonia is nothing like Game of Thrones.

  40. Prince O' Tea on 21 July 2012, 20:56 said:

    In Gloria’s dreams maybe. But mind you, she referred to her book as a “chiller” in one sockpuppeted review, and insisted that that the fans of Anne Rice, Stephen King, JK Rowling and Smeyer would not only be interested in all of those, but also in hers. Because Smeyer and Sking don’t hate each other’s work, or anything.

  41. Minoan Ferret on 21 July 2012, 23:51 said:

    Because Smeyer and Sking don’t hate each other’s work, or anything.

    SMeyer doesn’t like King? Is it because he was “omg soooo mean!!1!”?

  42. Prince O'Tea on 22 July 2012, 15:51 said:

    Well she has her brother intercept all emails to purge any form of criticism, constructive or otherwise before they reach her, and she is still wallowing in self pity over the Midnight Sun leak, so I can’t see Stephen King ripping her work a new one going down very well.

  43. Minoan Ferret on 22 July 2012, 17:03 said:

    Well she has her brother intercept all emails to purge any form of criticism, constructive or otherwise before they reach her…

    Wow. Now I find myself liking her even less.

  44. Prince O' Tea on 22 July 2012, 20:18 said:

    I’ve read a few emails that he sent to Deviantart users, and I took an instant dislike to him as well.

    For a woman who claims to be a professional, Smeyer’s attitude and response to criticism is not unlike…. Gloria’s!

  45. Fell Blade on 23 July 2012, 12:35 said:

    Where did you see those, Prince? Now I’m interested.

    I’ve jumped in on one or two of those Amazon discussions; the 5 star reviews are so ludicrous it’s hard not to say something.

  46. Pryotra on 23 July 2012, 15:04 said:

    Looks like she said something that got her comment deleted by Amazon too.

    I guess the commenters really started to get to her.

  47. Prince O' Tea on 23 July 2012, 20:20 said:

    http://snowcone666.deviantart.com/art/Stephenie-Meyer-Sucks-Part-2-121062520

    I am taking this with a pinch of salt, but judging form Smeyer’s behaviour on other occasions, it’s not hard to see her and her brother behaving in such a ridiculously infantile way.

  48. Amy on 6 October 2012, 05:54 said:

    I set up an Apollyon’s Society of Evil Facebook page, for anyone who cares.

  49. Tim on 6 October 2012, 06:18 said:

    Apollyon’s Society of Evil
    Be the first person to like this.

    Facebook knows nobody likes Maradonia.

  50. Castor on 12 June 2014, 01:26 said:

    Hi, long-time lurker, first-time commenter here (who just applied for an account this evening, actually)! First of all, these Maradonia sporks are one of my favorite things on this website, and they are absolutely hilarious.

    Second, I was randomly searching Gloria Tesch the other day (obviously out of some masochistic desire for pain) when I stumbled across a Gloria Tesch fan blog. It seems to mostly consist of pictures of Gloria herself in various states of undress—from her modeling pictures, I guess. There are a couple of plugs for the Maradonia movie, and a picture of Maya (that may or may not actually be Maya, now that I think about it, but I won’t jump to conclusions). Very little of it has anything to do with Maradonia, is all I’m saying. So, any bets that this is an actual, honest-to-God fan blog? Anyone?

    Anyone?

  51. The Smith of Lie on 12 June 2014, 03:47 said:

    I don’t know about the blog being real or not, but this:

    Is glorious. Like something that Societ of Evil would do to celebrate the Halloween.

    Which makes one wonder, what is Gloria’s stance on Halloween? Considering her known bias against Gothic Movement, is she one of those people who condemn it for being a pagan ritual?

  52. LoneWolf on 12 June 2014, 09:17 said:

    It’s a pagan ritual when nasty haters participate in it. It’s a wholesome and innocent activity when Gloria Tesch participates in it.

  53. lake of wet blood on 18 November 2014, 18:10 said:

    “Kitty and the Mouse-chens”

    …would make a great name for an emo Goff garage band.

    www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRz6OxYCA9I