Maradonia Reloaded, Part One: 9/11
So as you may or may not be aware, last week, with utterly no fanfare, the Tesches released a re-edited version of the first (half) of the first Maradonia book as an e-book on Amazon. You can find it here, it’s only $5.99, and if you don’t have a Kindle you can easily download Amazon’s free “Kindle for PC” or “Kindle for Mac” programs to read it on your computer.
To get the really obvious question out of the way: no, I’m not going to spork it. I already devoted a great deal of time and effort to sporking the original books, and intend on completing the rest of the series if and when they come out, I have little desire to go through this book again to re-rip Tesch a new one. Plus, when it comes down to it, Tesch really didn’t change that much. It’s still the insightfully bad story we all love to hate.
However, what I will do is sort of ramble through the new version, noting any changes that I find amusing (which will be probably be most of them) and calling out any especially noteworthy bits of stupidity that have worked themselves into this new edited masterpiece.
Incidentally, don’t trust Amazon where it says that for the print version it’s 810 pages long, that’s a lie. This edition covers the first fifty-six chapters, or 438 pages, of the original edition of Maradonia, right up to Apollyon’s big meeting where they plot Evil and then sing the Mother Earth song. Except (spoiler alert) it seems that the Mother Earth Song has been excised from this new edition.
Which actually makes me wonder. I’ve only skimmed through parts of this new ebook so far, but from looking at it, it appears the majority of parts that I really hated and mocked openly have been changed. I wonder if the Tesches used my sporkings as a guide for revising this gem? Or maybe I just have excellent judgment about things that have no place in the book.
The ebook opens with a question: What is the Maradonia saga about? It then spends about five pages verbally fellating the Tesches. Not really exaggerating here:
The fans of Stephen King, Anne Rice, Stephanie Meyer and J.K. Rowling will have to prepare another shelf to collect the treasured works of this outstanding new author because the Maradonia Saga is already mapped out for at least ten more unbelievable thrill rides in sweeping epic style (location 59).
Jesus Christ, Tesch, a little humility, please!
Also…Stephen King and Anne Rice? Why the fuck would fans of those authors like the Maradonia saga? I mean, Stephanie Meyer writes for morons, and JK Rowling writes for children, so that vaguely makes sense…
What are the books? Glad you asked. Aside from what we already know:
7. Maradonia and the Lost Secret of Kra
8. Maradonia and the Unleashed Beast
9. Maradonia and the Curse of Abbadon
10. Maradonia and the Vampire Kings
Brilliant. What the world needs is Gloria Tesch writing a vampire novel.
We start off with a quote from The Prophesy of the Seer, which is basically from Ezekiel 38. Keeping it classy.
So the opening has changed, where in print it started off with Apollyon’s meeting, that’s been cut out, which is good because it was pointless. Instead we get a new framing device with some chump named Professor Robert Epstein, who teaches elementary school. And he calls himself professor. Anyway, there’s an oil painting there from a famous artist that is of 9/11, (although Tesch refuses to actually say 9/11) and a little girl named Emily cries when she sees it because her father died in it.
“Sorry, I did not know that!” The art teacher responded roughly (location 222).
Even after revising, they still don’t understand English. Or maybe the art teacher is just an asshole.
Epstein busts out a storybook and start reading to the kids about a war in Heaven, which is basically the story of the fall of Lucifer, e.g. Apollyon. We get lots of random italics and unnecessarily Capitalized words. Anyway, God wins and casts Apollyon out and issues a long-ass decree, that ends with:
“But at the End of the Age… In the Last Days… When the two Silver Birds attack the Twin Brothers, Two Children will arrive in your land and these children will show you your limitations.” (location 311).
Fuck you, Gloria and Gerry Tesch. You know, I don’t have a problem with authors who want to use 9/11 in their story, they should just handle it tactfully. Turning 9/11 into a symbol that Maya and Joey are shortly going to save Maradonia? Fuck you.
Also, this is totally stupid because lest we forget, Apollyon wouldn’t even know about 9/11 because Maradonia is a completely different fucking world.
So Gertrude, who is a woman now, shows up and tells Apollyon that two kids have arrived in Maradonia. Of course, he already knows some of this:
The king was pretty good informed by his Border Patrol (location 424).
Yeah. The editing was well done.
Apollyon argues with a couple chumps, pointing out “There is always the right moment for stealing” (location 438).
Eventually Epstein starts reading the actual book of Maradonia.
Chapter One
We actually learn their last name, Swanson, right off the bat. This part isn’t terribly written and has actually been revised significantly. The idiotic bit about Joey winning the poster contest is completely gone, and we actually follow Maya into her first class, where she is promptly tripped by Alana Terrence!!! Sadly, there is no mention of ‘The Gothic Movement’.
I have to say, one of the biggest ‘improvements’ of this edition is that there aren’t ‘random’ quotation ‘marks’ around words.
Chapter Two
Again, significant revisions. Alana no longer talks like she’s retarded, Maya isn’t a black belt in karate. Maya still beats the shit out of her, though, and we get a couple gems:
One of the boys screamed, “Dayummmmm!” (location 591)
Then, when Alana’s friends try to grab Maya and drag her off, Maya turns around and knocks Dorothy unconscious with a single punch. The crowd is impressed:
A dark skinned boy yelled, “Bingo! Knock out… that white girl is a crazy fighter!” (location 605)
Chapter Three
Joey is pissed at Maya for being cooler than him because she’s so popular now for beating up Alana, so he punches her in the back of the head to knock her into the pool. So, he’s even more of a shit in this version. Good to know. On the way home, though, Maya calls him on it and says that she hates him, which is a plus.
Chapter Four, Five, and Six
No real changes, except “Over the tree, dumb shit!” was changed to “Over the tree, stupid!” Probably a good choice, but still, I’m saddened. All of my favorite lines are being cut. Although since all of my favorites are favorites because of how bad they are, that’s probably a good thing.
Chapter Seven
The journey through the cave is essentially the same, except for now a couple of Apollyon’s Hoodmen are following them through it, for reasons that are unclear. And, it seems, irrelevant.
Chapter Eight
They meet Hoppy, who then turns into a dwarf. The fuck?
Chapter Nine – The Grasshopper
Wait a second, he just turned into a dwarf! Shouldn’t this be called The Dwarf, and have a picture of a dwarf instead of a grasshopper? The dwarf, who, as it turns out, is named Hoppy? But he can’t accompany them on their journey. Which is just as well, because he was an utterly pointless character.
Chapter Ten & Eleven
Minimal changes. One change that Tesch has done well is Maya keeps noticing these floating heads – presumably evil spirits – following them around and it’s freaking her out. It actually adds some nice building tension to these scenes instead of just having Maya and Joey wander from one set piece to the next.
Chapter Twelve (Originally Glitter of Darkness, now “Imaginations”)
The Poison Glitter Tree has been completely excised, which is good because it was moronic. Instead, Maya freaks out about the heads following them.
Chapter Thirteen
So Maya and Joey go in to visit the frog Oraculus and POOF! He turns into an Elf. Yes. I’m dead serious. He turns into a fucking Elf.
This chapter was seriously trimmed down. Oraculus doesn’t spoil the entire book and he also doesn’t reveal some key points, namely about the pool of blood, which is a good idea.
Chapters Fourteen and Fifteen
“Emotionally exhausted and irrationally confused” was changed to “emotionally exhausted and confused”. But for some reason Tesch left in the retarded conversation about mountains.
Chapter Sixteen
Joey goes into the drink, but he saves himself instead of being rescued by Sagitta. By grabbing one of the overhanging rocks of the waterfall, pulling himself up, and then making his way ashore. Yeah, that’s likely.
Chapter Seventeen
Instead of bringing his mom’s kitchen knife, Joey brought his dad’s machete, which makes a bit more sense, although a machete wouldn’t really fit inside a backpack. But it does make more sense when he uses it to murder the snake.
Chapters Eighteen – Twenty-One
Everything is essentially identical, except for the removal of everything about Hoppy.
Overall, I approve of all of the changes that have taken place. My biggest complaint, though, is that there were so few of them. And it’s not like Tesch just went out and took out every piece of writing that was actively retarded, because there are plenty of them still in here. Had Tesch rewritten all of these chapters as extensively as she rewrote the first few chapters, this book would have taken a significant step forward. It still would have been really bad, but hey, baby steps, right? I’m actually disappointed at how much of this book is still word for word identical from the previous version.
Betty Cross on 15 June 2012, 06:58 said:
It’s arguable that, since we’re dealing with an Omnipotent God and a near-omnipotent Satan, they could both manifest themselves in parallel universes. This is a minor point.
Betty Cross on 15 June 2012, 08:05 said:
Gertrude as a Border Patrol officer? No way! I much preferred her as an evil fairy.
Fireshark on 15 June 2012, 10:05 said:
I pretty much said all this stuff already, but whatever. Nice to see you’re still chronicling Gloria Tesch’s awesomeness. Hope you didn’t feel too ripped off when it ended at the middle.
Danielle on 15 June 2012, 11:03 said:
Border Patrol? Is Tesch trying to say something profound about America’s illegal immigration policies?
Betty Cross on 15 June 2012, 11:20 said:
What about Arabella, the bejeweled talking snake who serves as Apollyon’s personal spy? Is she left out?
Do the Sues rescue mermaids this time, and do the mermaids ride back to the sea on the backs of unicorns this time? Oh, and one more question, do the unicorns trampled Arabella to death this time?
swenson on 15 June 2012, 11:28 said:
What makes me saddest is the downsizing of Hoppy’s role. The random Ice Cream Koan grasshopper that was forgotten about every few pages made for extremely humorous reading.
I do have to say, though, isn’t it convenient that this came out just after you finished the last published book? It’s like they’re deliberately trying to murder your liver!
VikingBoyBilly on 15 June 2012, 12:04 said:
Changing hoppy and oraculus to an elf and a dwarf was a terrible idea. It sucks out every ounce of originality they once had, which wasn’t much because they were ripoffs of Narnia’s talking animals, but it’s not like they were a Satyr and a beaver.
Fireshark on 15 June 2012, 12:06 said:
Arabella’s still around.
We don’t know yet. That stuff will be in the next Maradonia e-book, presumably. Remember, they decided to split the books in two now so they can make more money.
Soupnazi on 15 June 2012, 12:46 said:
I suppose it would be silly to not expect this book to be racist, too, but ugh.
Overall, though, I am impressed that Gloria seems to have improved. It’s still Paolini levels of improvement, i.e. WAY too slow for the amount of time that’s passed, but at least it’s something.
Ridureyu on 15 June 2012, 14:24 said:
I missed Maradonia.
Sahgo on 15 June 2012, 14:59 said:
No fair, they’re removing my favorite parts! I hope Apollyon’s Club of Evil and his support of teamwork remain intact…
Fireshark on 15 June 2012, 15:48 said:
It’s now Apollyon’s Society of Evil, but the teamwork is still there.
VikingBoyBilly on 15 June 2012, 15:55 said:
So I guess Gloria didn’t get the hint that anybody calling themselves Evil is really stupid and downright impossible. Who WANTS to be evil?
Pryotra on 15 June 2012, 17:09 said:
Boo.
I loved the Club of Evil much more.
But yeah, it’s still completely missing the point.
Minoan Ferret on 15 June 2012, 17:33 said:
No Hoppy the grasshopper? I must go and cry now.
Tim on 15 June 2012, 19:05 said:
“I’ve finished installing that shelf you wanted me to put up in the trashcan, honey.”
Still, you’d think God would put the sign where Satan could actually see it rather than a completely different world. As it is it’s kind of “there will be a sign someplace you aren’t and then a sociopathic manchild and a Mary Sue will come and kick your ass in a really confusing and badly written way.”
Also, why “two brothers?” The Bible writers knew what a tower was.
Requiem on 15 June 2012, 19:19 said:
“So I guess Gloria didn’t get the hint that anybody calling themselves Evil is really stupid and downright impossible. Who WANTS to be evil?”
Marvel has a group of villains called the Masters Of Evil. But I think Marvel gets off on this one because comics tend to be less grey and more black and white with their stories at times.
Fireshark on 15 June 2012, 19:24 said:
Some people claim that Nostradamus predicted 9/11. The “prophecies” in question involve two silver birds and two brothers. They’re fake, by the way, but a fair amount of people still believe they are actually his words. In any case, the wording Gloria uses is so close to the fake prophecies that I’m almost 100% sure she was inspired by them.
Pryotra on 15 June 2012, 19:47 said:
Having actually read some of Nostrodamus, I can second what you said. Most of his prophecies were more confusing than anything with two brothers or silver birds. He’s a whole lot more interested in the coming of his three Antichrists than much else anyways.
LoneWolf on 16 June 2012, 04:58 said:
Still, you’d think God would put the sign where Satan could actually see it rather than a completely different world.
Just because our world is completely different, doesn’t mean that Apollyon doesn’t know about it. Remember, Apollyon and his Club are the aliens with flying saucers, that, as we’ve learned from the beginning of Ophir, can appear in Florida. And Suetornia and Cassandra, Apollyon’s servants, appeared in our world to cause the death of the school principal and Alana Terence. You must read the ‘Treasure of the Maradonia Saga’ more often to remember its ‘Amazing Plot Twists’.
Tim on 16 June 2012, 07:04 said:
Yeah, but the rule of plot holes is in force for that one (that if you have to figure out a scenario in which something might potentially make sense if certain unstated facts are taken to be true it’s a plot hole). The main issue with this is it’s God saying “Satan, when this happens annoying people will come and kick you in the fork or something” so you’d think he’d put the sign where Satan couldn’t possibly not see it rather than making him work for it.
swenson on 16 June 2012, 08:52 said:
No, no, LoneWolf, remember, they aren’t aliens. Let’s be very sure to say that several times so no one is confused. They really, really, really aren’t aliens. That would be silly. They may have flying saucers and potentially are from another planet, but that definitely, totally, utterly aren’t aliens.
Pryotra on 16 June 2012, 09:35 said:
And that makes total and complete sense. After all, they couldn’t possibly be aliens. That would be sci-fi. It’s just Apollyon IN SPACE.
What could make more sense?
LoneWolf on 16 June 2012, 10:05 said:
The main issue with this is it’s God saying “Satan, when this happens annoying people will come and kick you in the fork or something” so you’d think he’d put the sign where Satan couldn’t possibly not see it rather than making him work for it.
Well, Professor Epstein mentions that Apollyon-Satan has corrupted many earthly rulers. If he can influence Earth in such a way, being aware of 9/11 is a piece of cake for him.
Prince O' Tea on 16 June 2012, 10:58 said:
I wonder if Leara is still the most beautiful black person in the empire.
I can’t wait until we get on to Gold of Ophir, and see if the Death by Oujia Board and the Salsa Dance are still intact.
Fireshark on 16 June 2012, 11:20 said:
Don’t worry, she is.
Tim on 16 June 2012, 11:31 said:
Yeah, but you’re still putting more thought into this than she did.
VikingBoyBilly on 16 June 2012, 11:49 said:
There’s lots of little gems in the intro Rorscach didn’t touch. The battle between Apollyon and the King of Light created the Milky way Galaxy (even though the battle was in another dimension):
Professor Epstein is an elementary school substitute teacher (who somehow has the title of ‘Professor’ with the PhD implied with it) that took over the class. The art teacher who was rude to that 5th grade girl about the death of her father is a different character, if there was any confusion.
This happens:
That totally pushed the plot forward, addeing heaps of worldbuilding and character development.
The hoodmen can “sense” Maya and Joey already, resulting in this lulzy line:
There are creatures called Nakima monsters who smell like rotten eggs and hide behind trees.
There are a couple hours until lunchtime, so Epstein decides to tell the entire story of the Maradonia Saga from start to finish to the classroom.
There’s this disclaimer:
And finally, Gloria admits in the acknowledgements that her dad is the Co-Author of all the Maradonia books, and also the main editor.
Oh, and Apollyon says “It seems to be a fact” twice.
Tim on 16 June 2012, 12:19 said:
Given how it’s worded I’m not entirely sure Tesch knows the Milky Way is a galaxy. It sounds more like she thinks it’s some kind of route in space that the war went along.
Hey, that initial capital means R L Stine can sue her if she ever makes any actual money.
Pryotra on 16 June 2012, 12:21 said:
Why did the school hire this guy? He obviously got his degree from Crackpot University.
Kurt on 16 June 2012, 13:33 said:
For any new readers: you don’t need to buy this Kindle Edition for $5.99. A used “very good” paperback copy goes for a mere $4.99 at Amazon. It has twice as many pages, and most of the copies are adorned with the highly valuable autograph of Gloria Tesch. It looks like only the first few chapters were extensively rewritten – presumably to the point where the “Look Inside” feature of Amazon stops.
Professor Robert Epstein is a real person . I wonder what he did to get inserted into this crap? According to his Wikipedia page, he has taught classes in San Diego, where Gloria was born.
Her name is Ceara, but otherwise, yes. It’s still called the “Evil Empire”, which is great. Otherwise, we wouldn’t know that we should root for Maya and Joey in their fight against Apollyon.
VikingBoyBilly on 16 June 2012, 16:51 said:
Cool, I’m gonna take Dr. Epstein’s test to see how straight or gay I am. Thanks for introducing me to him, Gloria! I’m sure Dr. Epstein reads Maradonia in his seminars regularly.
VikingBoyBilly on 16 June 2012, 17:32 said:
[e-mail removed]
There’s his email. Everyone spam him and tell him he’s in a Maradonia rewrite!
Tim on 16 June 2012, 17:36 said:
Let’s not and say we did.
swenson on 16 June 2012, 17:38 said:
I took out the e-mail address. There’s no need to go bringing an innocent person into this, you guys, and especially no need to post their e-mail somewhere where it’s likely spammers could pick it up.
Pryotra on 16 June 2012, 19:16 said:
Yeah, the guy probably doesn’t need to know. Though he might be able to sue the Teschs.
Fireshark on 16 June 2012, 20:21 said:
Maybe they know him IRL. Who knows?
Then again,
swenson on 16 June 2012, 20:34 said:
“Any similarity to the Bible is totally a coincidence too, I swear, you guys.”
LoneWolf on 17 June 2012, 14:39 said:
Bible similarities are not coincidences, but Deep Biblical Philosophical Allusions that Teach Virtue and Morality to Children in these Amoral and Horrible Times.
Betty Cross on 17 June 2012, 17:01 said:
As in the original, Joey doesn’t suffer at all for throwing Maya in the pool. In a realistic teen novel, Maya would have nothing to do with him for months, and he would be grounded for at least a month. In the revision, Maya tells him, “I hate you,” but her wrath has no consequences (just like in the original) because soon they’re spelunking together into the alternative universe of Maradonia and Terra Mili.
All this could have been avoided by having somebody else — a boy whose clique Joey’s trying to join, for instance — toss Maya in the drink, and Joey be the one to fish her out.
In this case, as so often, problems with plot holes and peculiar character motives can be resolved by a few sentences.
Betty Cross on 20 June 2012, 07:41 said:
To slightly change the subject, Gloria Tesch is valedictorian of her high school graduating class. Log in to Facebook and link here to find it: https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Gloria-Tesch/204509669661793
Fireshark on 20 June 2012, 14:01 said:
Seriously though, I thought she was homeschooled.
Betty Cross on 20 June 2012, 15:21 said:
Me too, but I’ve also heard she transferred later into a high school. I don’t know whether it’s a public or a private, church-related one. She hasn’t told us yet.
Unlike Fireshark, I’m not exactly disappointed she’s a valedictorian. Doing well in school doesn’t mean you have any talent as a fiction writer.
VikingBoyBilly on 20 June 2012, 16:33 said:
Yeah, but I strongly suspect they made her valedictorian because of the whole Teenage Author schtick, nothing academically related.
She spent most of her teen years homeschooled. She came into the last year of highschool and suddenly stole valedictorian status away from everyone who has been there the full 4 years.
And you’ve all seen her videos promoting her books. Would you honestly say she’s a good public speaker? Most of her promotions are just her announcing she is The Gloria Tesch, reading the inside cover, blah blah blahing about whatever I don’t even care enough to remember what she’s saying, and pretending to get phone calls.
Kyllorac on 20 June 2012, 16:46 said:
Criticize the writing; NOT the author.
kthxbai
Betty Cross on 20 June 2012, 16:57 said:
I thought you had to earn the title of valedictorian by having the highest grades in your class. Rhetorical skills and other extracurricular stuff isn’t involved in it.
At any event, we’re here to criticize the writing. Kyllorac is correct. I shouldn’t have posted anything about her being valedictorian.
Fireshark on 20 June 2012, 19:48 said:
In all seriousness, I’m not bothered or anything. It is sort of puzzling though—one would think that she wouldn’t do too well at English, at least. I guess she is a better student than I’d have thought.
Requiem on 20 June 2012, 22:00 said:
Good for her being a valedictorian, but that doesn’t excuse egotistical unwarranted self importance, shameless self promotion, and bad writing in the veil of being “ the worlds youngest novelist”. But I guess we all have our flaws.
LoneWolf on 26 June 2012, 21:58 said:
Apparently, Team Tesch had decided to go the Stanek route and post a bunch of reviews on the Amazon page for the “Seven Bridges”. Yesterday, they posted the usual fare from Maradonia.com, but today they’ve replaced the yesterday reviews but some slightly more natural-sounding ones. All the new reviews complain how horrible these one-star reviews are!
Prince O'Tea on 27 June 2012, 09:01 said:
Wow. The Tesches never learn do they?
Oh wait they do. They just replace one form of bad writing/behavior with another. I’m having less sympathy for Gloria as she grows into a young adult. I know she doesn’t have much of a chance with parents like hers, but surely, she’s old enough to get the faintest faint smell of the coffee now?
Prince O'Tea on 27 June 2012, 09:06 said:
“ But this entire series is also an allegorical tale, not just a simple fairy tale. This makes a well compelling reading, when you consider the hopelessness and misdirected avenues taken in sagas such as the Lord of the Rings and the Harry Potter series, which are sword and sorcery without any redeeming values.”
Sorry Gloria, but clumsily shoehorning bible quotes without any real context doesn’t give your book any redeeming values. Your characters spend most of the books behaving like a pair of sociopaths. I get the feeling they would have become serial killers if they never discovered Maradonia, and found acceptable targets for their murderous sides.
Fireshark on 27 June 2012, 13:38 said:
I only see one new review, comparing Maradonia to “A Game of Thrones.” Did they delete the others or am I on the wrong page?
VikingBoyBilly on 27 June 2012, 14:14 said:
Maradonia and the Seven Bridges is $400.00 new? O_O
LoneWolf on 27 June 2012, 15:36 said:
I only see one new review, comparing Maradonia to “A Game of Thrones.” Did they delete the others or am I on the wrong page?
http://www.amazon.com/Maradonia-Seven-Bridges-Saga-ebook/product-reviews/B0089DQE14/ref=cm_cr_pr_hist_5?ie=UTF8&filterBy=addFiveStar&showViewpoints=0
Fireshark on 27 June 2012, 15:45 said:
Yeah, I see them now. Couldn’t they come up with something believable? This sort of thing just feels like a joke.
Hey Maradonia team (I’m pretty sure you lurk here on occasion), please don’t do that sort of thing. Really, it’s just insulting. Just edit the damn books until they’re good by someone’s standards.
LoneWolf on 27 June 2012, 16:07 said:
Well, they’re making slow progress. Compare these reviews to the review of Armando N. Ten-fifteen more Maradonia books and Gloria will reach Paolini level.
Pryotra on 27 June 2012, 16:21 said:
That would be too much work. It’s much easier to make sock puppet accounts and shill the work.
Then people some poor soul will buy it or something…
The commenters don’t seem very impressed…
Tim on 27 June 2012, 17:14 said:
No, that’s Maradonia and seven fridges.
They’re broken.
Betty Cross on 28 June 2012, 08:34 said:
I know. It’s staggering how clueless they are about marketing. I wouldn’t pay more than $25.00 for a paperback novel of that length.
Prince O'Tea on 28 June 2012, 10:47 said:
Like I’ve said before, it makes me wonder if Gloria actually knows what “consumerism” actually means (she tends to use it as a catch all term for everything she dislikes) or if she’s even more of a hypocrite then we thought. You can hardly spend most of your book and blogs ranting about how “EVIL AND STUPID PEOPLE ARE CONSUMERISTS!” when you’re trying to flog your vanity pressed books for 400 dollary-doos.
swenson on 28 June 2012, 10:50 said:
Well, you’ve got some company, then. I often wonder if Gloria thinks at all about the things she writes.
Minoan Ferret on 28 June 2012, 16:59 said:
I’d buy a $5 copy off Amazon if they shipped internationally, if only for the novelty of a signed copy.
LoneWolf on 28 June 2012, 21:20 said:
400$ is probably probably some book reseller scam, not Gloria herself.
Fireshark on 28 June 2012, 22:38 said:
No, it’s the rare limited edition one.
LoneWolf on 28 June 2012, 22:54 said:
Ah, then she probably thinks that her books are so Moral and Spiritual that they’re worth even more then that, and that in pricing then for only some pathetic $400 she demonstrates her Modesty and Charity.
On a side note, the Tesches had added even more high-star reviews today.
Fireshark on 28 June 2012, 23:14 said:
Maradonia is so cool that people are signing up for Amazon just so they can give it 5-star reviews!
prince O'Tea on 29 June 2012, 09:19 said:
I feel sorry for Gloria when the house of delusion cards her family have sloppily constructed around her come crashing down. Is she still going to be behaving this way when she’s 30/40? I know she has Robert Stanek for both her parents, but she’s almost 20 now, isn’t she?
Prince O'Tea on 29 June 2012, 09:21 said:
Also, Swankivy delivers an amazingly fiery burn on one of the reviews.
LoneWolf on 29 June 2012, 10:26 said:
I wonder will we see more 5-star reviews tomorrow?
Fell Blade on 29 June 2012, 10:48 said:
I just saw the one 5 star review where some guy compared Maradonia to Lord of the Rings and said LOTR was full of hopelessness and just sword and sorcery, and I just about lost it. I’m not going to proclaim LOTR as the crowning pinnacle of literature, but to make a claim like that is beyond ignorant. If that is really what Team Tesch thinks of this girl’s work, they are more than just deluded. They need serious psychiatric help.
Prince O'Tea on 29 June 2012, 11:51 said:
Agreed. I’m no fan of Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings (I disliked reading both series), but the arrogance of the Tesches is really maddening. The Maradonia Saga is basically a horribly generic fantasy book (at best) with bible passages clumsily shoehorned in at random moments, with no real relevance to the plot.
VikingBoyBilly on 29 June 2012, 18:39 said:
Darn, I wanted to make fake 5 star reviews for the lullz, but Amazon adapted this policy that each account has to make a purchase before they can write reviews. There goes my grand trolling scheme =(
prince O'Tea on 29 June 2012, 19:15 said:
Hmmmm. I guess the Tesches have either farmed their purchases out to sockpuppets, or they got a lot of uncles/aunts to do it. or both.
swenson on 29 June 2012, 21:54 said:
@Prince – I believe Gloria just graduated from high school, so she’s probably 17-18. Regardless, certainly not a child.
Prince O'Tea on 29 June 2012, 22:09 said:
She turned 18 quite a while ago… I think she’s almost 19. You would expect her to have grown out of this stage by now… but unfortunately for her, her parents (unlike most 13 year old girls on fanfiction.net) are not only very aware of this behavior, they encourage and coddle it, so it’s very unlikely for her to grow out of it, like most bratty suethors (hopefully) end up doing.
Mind you, Princess Ai shows that you can remain stuck in this phase in your forties and beyond. (Courtney Love, I’m looking at you!)
LoneWolf on 29 June 2012, 22:17 said:
She really needs to go to a good college. I can imagine all professors being horrified by the combination of her awkward writing skills and sheer attitude. Gloria will probably act like Maya in the beginning of Ophir – ‘How dare you speak to me? I am the Author of the Maradonia-Saga!’
Fireshark on 29 June 2012, 22:39 said:
Considering Maya is a self-insert, what if Gloria actually did do that after writing Seven Bridges, and just worked it into Ophir?
Fireshark on 29 June 2012, 22:40 said:
Then again, she was homeschooled at that point.
Betty Cross on 30 June 2012, 06:43 said:
Her facebook page gives her birth date as April 17, 1994, so she turned 18 this year. It’s just the right time for her to graduate from high school.
My only question is what high school she went to. We don’t know. I’m proud of her, frankly, for being valedictorian, but she’s an awful fiction writer and doesn’t realize how bad she is.
As for college, she’ll probably go to one that’s affiliated with fundamentalist religion, such as Regent University, Liberty University, Bob Jones University, or Moody Bible Institute.
I come from the South. I know her type well.
Betty Cross on 30 June 2012, 06:52 said:
According to her facebook page (the one called Gloria Tesch, not Gloria Tesch the World’s Youngest Novelist), she busy laboring away at “Maradonia and the Secret of Kra.” I’m sure Rorschach is enjoying his vacation from sporking.
VikingBoyBilly on 30 June 2012, 10:43 said:
Why is she writing Secret of Kra when Battle for the Key isn’t published yet? Where’s our epic battle between goof and evil?
swenson on 30 June 2012, 10:57 said:
Please tell me that wasn’t a typo. :D
Maybe Battle for the Key is finished and is just in the editing stage.
waits for about half a second
Nah, I’m just messing with you. Maybe it’s being printed or something.
Fireshark on 30 June 2012, 11:09 said:
Seriously, I want to know what’s going on with Battle for the Key. All of Team Tesch acts like it’s already been released. Gloria says she’s writing Kra, and the “Also by Gloria Tesch” lists invariably include Battle for the Key, without any sort of “Coming soon.” The website says it is coming in 2012, but that website hasn’t been updated for a while.
Prince O'Tea on 30 June 2012, 15:17 said:
Yeah, Battle for the Key has been on the cards since 2009. What would have been the first half of BotK was published as the Law of Blood, wasn’t it, since Gloria split both of her two published books into four? So the other half needs to be published before she starts talking about Lost Secret of Krap.
“Gloria will probably act like Maya in the beginning of Ophir – ‘How dare you speak to me? I am the Author of the Maradonia-Saga!’”
Yes. I can totally see her behaving like this in real life.
I also hope Gloria actually comes up with a title that actually feels relevant to the books. The “Seven Bridges” were just seven random events retconned into “tests”, the “Escape from the Underworld” was an extremely minor event in which Joey waltzed through an unlocked door and waltzed out again in a chapter (before seeing thousands of people screaming in agony and not lifting a finger to assist or comfort them of course), and both the Dragon Riders and the Gold of Ophir were just minor details in the chaotic hodge-podge of their books that wouldn’t have changed the plot at all if they were removed.
Betty Cross on 30 June 2012, 20:08 said:
I did a web search for “order Maradonia and the Battle for the Key” and didn’t find it. Nor did I find any way to order it on Gloria’s blog. I’m thinking the only way to get one (if available at all) is by posting a comment on Gloria’s facebook page and seeing if she answers it.
Betty Cross on 1 July 2012, 09:09 said:
My understanding is, the original “7 Bridges” was split into “7 Bridges” and “Escape from the Underworld,” while the original “Gold of Ophir” was split into “Gold of Ophir” and “Dragon Riders.” That makes four books. “Law of Blood” was the fifth, and not the product of a split. She’s been telling people for some time she’s written six books. “Battle for the Key” would be the sixth. There’s also a photo of her sitting in a chair with all six books spread out in her lap.
Therefore, “Battle for the Key” exists but it seems hard to obtain for some reason.
Prince O'Tea on 1 July 2012, 11:51 said:
My interpretation of it was that since Battle of the Key was originally the 3rd book (and Gloria has been promising us that she has been “hard at work on it for almost 3 years now”), what would have been the first half of BftK was released as Law of Blood, to coincide the split of the first two books. So Gloria ended up splitting a book she hasn’t even finished writing, so she could get the first half out there quicker, and bump up the total number of books in the series.
I guess Gloria was torn over what sounded more brag-worthy, 3 books with large page counts, or 5/6 books with smaller page counts.
prince O'Tea on 1 July 2012, 12:18 said:
I don’t think Battle for the Key exists yet. Knowing Gloria she just put a different dust jacket on one of her other books to look more impressive.
Whilst I’m on the subject, I think I’ll list the cover artwork, from best to worst. The typeface is disgusting on all of them, so I’m not going to bother critiquing that.
Law of Blood: This is the only image I actually quite liked. The blood could look more like blood and less like strawberry syrup, but the design of the axe is actually quite well done. The eye also makes it rather striking.
Gold of Ophir: Technically, the best image, but unfortunately, is also the most generic looking. Looks like a typical Choose Your Own Adventure cover or something similar.
Seven Bridges: Nice idea, and isn’t as terrible as the other covers, but is still rather bad for several reasons. The drawing is two separate drawings mashed together, and it shows, since the two drawings don’t contrast eachohter the way they should, so the idea loses most of its effectiveness. The mouthes don’t match, and it doesn’t help that the left face is much bigger then the other (if the left face’s hair is overflowing off the cover, so should the Medusa’s.) The Medusa snake hair would look better if they looked like SNAKES and not gummi worms, and it doesn’t help that the Medusa looks like she’s just scoffed a jelly doughnut, if the “blood” coming out of her mouth is anything to go by. The image is also confusing, since at no point does it have any real relevance to the plot: the fairies never really turn into Medusas or anything like that (though we are told they have a monstrous form), and the woman on the cover match’s Maya’s physical description (with the right matching her personality, hur hur.)
Dragon Riders: It’s not a bad image, but it looks like a teenager drew it, even more then the other covers.
Battle for the Key: I’m guessing this is meant to be a coat of arms, but rainbows do not belong on coats of arms, unless you are organizing a medieval PRIDE event. Or you are a knight of the Royal House of Lisa Frank.
Escape from the Underworld: This is far and away the most awful cover. The foreshortening and the anatomy are so badly done, that the character looks like they have the Bonitis that That Guy got in Futurama. I am guessing the character is supposed to be Joey, but really it looks like Mariska Hargitay dressed as Hermione Granger.
Pryotra on 2 July 2012, 11:05 said:
I was homeschooled from kindergarten through collage. It doesn’t mean that you act like this. Most of us are perfectly normal people aside from the fact that we never went to public school. [/rant]
Than again, my parents were sane and didn’t think that I was the greatest thing that ever walked the earth, and if I’d have pulled this off, they would have probably sent me to public school to get a reality check.
I think it’s just that insanity is hereditary.
Fireshark on 2 July 2012, 11:40 said:
Nonono, that wasn’t what I meant at all! Sorry if I came off that way. I was saying that she probably couldn’t have bragged to a teacher about making Maradonia, because she was homeschooled when the first book was completed.
Prince O'Tea on 2 July 2012, 12:14 said:
I agree with the insanity being hereditary. Momma Tesch does have some talent as an illustrator, but she is not “gifted” like the family insist she is. As we have seen from all the Maradonia artwork, she seems absolutely incapable of telling her good drawings from her mediocre ones and her awful chicken scratch ones. She also doesn’t seem to understand that if you use pencils in professional illustrations, you have to bloody well know what you are doing: otherwise it just looks sloppy and amateurish.
Pencil illustrations done well:
http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2009/5/15/1242395560221/Shaun-Tan-Tales-from-Oute-012.jpg
http://www.born-to.co.uk/assets/images/shauntan3.jpg
http://farm7.static.flickr.com/6228/6256451347_012588118e.jpg
Not so well:
http://media.photobucket.com/image/the%20eagle%20has%20landed%20maradonia/Pariah164/Maradonia%20Spork/100_0198.jpg
http://conjugalfelicity.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/eaglewarts.jpg
Pryotra on 2 July 2012, 12:18 said:
I suppose I’m a little oversensitive about it. (I’ve heard too many people saying that the reason PaoPao was such a bad writer was that he was homeschooled and other such lovelies, so I’m probably a little quick to jump in.)
Yeah…I mean the first ones looked alright, but the others…
She put some of those up for the world to see? Maybe she thinks that all of her drawings have to be seen as great or something? (insanity)
prince O'Tea on 2 July 2012, 12:37 said:
I know. When you look at Momma Tesch’s artistic habits, it’s not hard to see where Gloria gets her approach to writing from. She publishes her rough sketches without any revisions the way Gloria publishes her rough drafts without any revisions. I mean, I’m working on a picture book as a present for one of my nieces, and because I want it to be published, i’ve actually redrawn several of the illustrations five or six times in full color and pen, and I’m still not happy with them (and that’s not including sketches and concept art before I started what I intended to be the final image). If I have to redraw each illustration twenty or thirty times or more, I will do so. If I seriously want it published, it better be the best thing I’ve ever done.
Escape from the Underworld looks like it was drawn by someone who had a tiny bit of understanding about perspective and foreshortening. Just enough to know what it was roughly, but not enough to know how to actually apply it.
Betty Cross on 2 July 2012, 15:26 said:
One of the eagle’s wings is much shorter than the other. Ouch.
Once again, there is a problem with the wings. They don’t have the same structure. The four houses and windmill on the ground in the distance look like a 5 year old’s crayon drawings.
Prince O'Tea on 2 July 2012, 16:34 said:
Guess what Betty? We’re not even scraping the bottom of the barrel yet.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v91/Pariah164/Maradonia%20Spork/100_0190.jpg
There are so many things wrong with this image, that I don’t know where to start.
Puppet on 3 July 2012, 21:21 said:
For future reference, it is possible to hyperlink and embed images. Just click on Textile Help link in the bottom left corner of the post box to find out how.
VikingBoyBilly on 5 July 2012, 15:04 said:
Maya’s nose and head are so flattened in that picture. I guess there’s more meaning to her name than I thought.
Betty Cross on 6 July 2012, 08:43 said:
Looks like she’s been hit in the face with a frying pan. Good catch about the Mayans, Billy.
Prince O'Tea on 6 July 2012, 10:50 said:
Sweeeeeet, thankyou Puppet.
That’s actually fascinating (and horrifying), Billy. Footbinding for the skull? Why do more people not know about this? Goes great with her clubfoot hand.
Also, you think it would have killed them to use a bit of consistency. Maya’s a blonde in most images, isn’t she? And the less said about the dove, the better. Actually the less said about the entire image, the better.
Betty Cross on 6 July 2012, 18:43 said:
On her webpage — not “World’s Youngest Novelist” but the other one simply called “Gloria Tesch” — Gloria explains she was valedictorian at “Clearwater Private” school. For those in the UK, what we call “private schools” are called “public schools” in your country, and what we call “public schools” you call “councl schools.”
Betty Cross on 6 July 2012, 19:12 said:
It isn’t just the color. The illustrations in “Seven Bridges” show her alternating between wearing her hair down and wearing it pulled back with a ponytail, with no references that I can see to these hair style changes in the text.
LoneWolf on 7 July 2012, 11:38 said:
Of course, it goes without saying that we are Bashing, Mocking and Persecuting Marina T. Tesch because of our amorality and hatred and in the actual reality every truly moral person understands the Masterful Skills of the ‘Maradonia-Illustrater’.
Fireshark on 7 July 2012, 12:40 said:
We’re a bunch of DANG, DIRTY TROLLS who are always engaging in Slanderous Mockeries against the TRUE and HONEST Creator of Maradonia. Or we’re just jealous.
Prince O'Tea on 7 July 2012, 20:16 said:
Go! Mayachu and Joeychu! Sue to the extreme!
Pork William on 11 July 2012, 12:57 said:
I’m guessing that the Maradonia movie has been cancelled?
At one point Gloria was constantly promoting it, but myself and a few friends have emailed her and asked her if it is still being released (taking into account that it was supposed to be completed in 2011), but we didn’t get a reply…
TPSockpuppet on 11 July 2012, 16:42 said:
I will, thank you, Mother!
Fireshark on 11 July 2012, 17:07 said:
Perhaps postponed for an indefinite amount of time, but probably not cancelled. They shot some footage already, and I think at least some people have invested, so cancelling it would mean they’d just wasted a lot of time and money. More likely, it’s just in development hell, and they’ll try again when they can find a real cast. Personally, I hope they ask the Asylum to make it, and they do. That would be awesome.
LoneWolf on 11 July 2012, 20:50 said:
The latest review of “Seven Bridges” Team Tesch posted on Amazon delivers. Read it yourself.
Betty Cross on 12 July 2012, 09:42 said:
Three really good ones were posted on July 11th. I also note the paperback still costs $125. O_o
Fireshark on 12 July 2012, 10:49 said:
The parody one is hilarious! The real sock puppets keep getting worse though, although it’s not Stanek level yet.
LoneWolf on 12 July 2012, 11:23 said:
I like the “unimportant grammar” sockpuppet.
Pryotra on 12 July 2012, 17:25 said:
That was nauseating. I think she’s reacting to her troll comments.
LoneWolf on 12 July 2012, 19:14 said:
She had deleted and reposted the “this is actually a great book by Gloria, I am deeply appalled by these bias comments and irrelevant reviews” review. Maybe she did it to get rid of Swankivy’s offensive, jealous and hateful comments?
Pryotra on 12 July 2012, 19:56 said:
I’m sure she’ll repost it. She seems to think that if she does, the commentors will go away and stop posting mean, hateful, mediocre things.
Fell Blade on 13 July 2012, 13:50 said:
I replied to one of the 5 stars where the guy compared it to Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter (cause that just made me mad!). Then that review was deleted and reposted. Classy Glo! It seems petty to be upset by that, I know, but her attitude is deplorable.
Pryotra on 13 July 2012, 14:06 said:
Post again. It seems to annoy her.
Fell Blade on 13 July 2012, 14:11 said:
Oh I did. Then I saved it to my computer so that if it gets deleted again I can just copy and paste it. Lol
Uncle Ruckus on 14 July 2012, 11:36 said:
Guys, I’m fairly new to the whole Maradonia debacle, so I was wondering; do Team Tesch actually realise how much Gloria is derided on the Net? Or is it the case that just like Chris-Chan, Gloria’s parents embolden her by telling her that she’s incredibly talented and to just ignore the haters?
If, like Gloria, I had people taking the piss out of me all over the Net I would dig myself a hole and never leave, but she just seems to keep on producing ever-more lulzy content! Why?!
Cheers…
Fireshark on 14 July 2012, 12:19 said:
Gloria, unlike CWCcirca 2007-09, he’s actually figured out that most of his fans were trolls and thus stopped making comics, is aware of her detractors, and spends a lot of her time trying to get actual fans by plugging herself and her books through blog posts, videos, newsletters, and (in the past) sockpuppets on Yahoo Answers. There are already a few real fans, but they mostly live in her neck of the woods where she’s received some press for being a young author.
There is a bit of delusion in the family, though—they wanted to make a movie, and Gloria once claimed that a theme park would exist.
Fireshark on 14 July 2012, 12:20 said:
Textile help lied; it said that that would be in superscript.
Kyllorac on 14 July 2012, 13:23 said:
The comma at the end killed the formatting. Punctuation likes killing Textile formatting. I fixed it for you.
Minoan Ferret on 14 July 2012, 17:12 said:
Or on this site.
Prince O'Tea on 14 July 2012, 20:55 said:
Don’t you guys know? We are not only the Club of Evil, but we are also the corrupt and mediocre generation, that want to destroy the virtuous and unassuming World’s Youngest Novelist, because we are videogamers who regard books as alien objects, and we all want to end up on reality television shows. And we all love the Salsa Dance.
Prince O'Tea on 14 July 2012, 21:05 said:
Reviewing your own books and liking all the sockpuppeted reviews as yourself Gloria? Ballsy or just arrogant?
http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/10905602-gloria
I like to think the Tesches are X Men, and their superpower is to be completely immune to any form of shame or humility. Their bodies are literally incapable of understanding or processing those states of mind at all.
Pryotra on 15 July 2012, 11:48 said:
Er…I’m going to say arrogant and delusional.
No one with the sense of a lemming would do what she does and think that it’s going to make her book more popular.
Uncle Ruckus on 16 July 2012, 07:57 said:
Putting aside Gloria for one moment, does anybody know much about Ma and Pa Tesch?
I recall reading somewhere that Marina Tesch is a Russian émigré and an ‘artist’, and that old man Tesch runs some kind of coffee franchise; I also remember reading somewhere (possibly a Maradonia film promotion) that he was referred to as ‘Dr. Gerry Tesch’.
I wonder how they manage to fund Gloria’s literary dog sh*t? I was under the impression that the Maradonia film was cancelled/postponed due to lack of funding?
Thanks for any info!
Fireshark on 16 July 2012, 08:48 said:
OK, I’ll try to help you out.
You are right about Ms. Tesch. She’s not a professional illustrator, but she’s been hired as an art teacher before (back in Russia). She also has some pretty good drawings, and seems to have improved over time, so I wouldn’t put “artist” in quotes.
Gerry Tesch calls himself “Dr.” because he has a degree in theology, although we don’t know all the details about how and where he got it. My dad holds such a title, so I asked him about it. He said that how much work a theology degree is really varies based on where you go, with certain Christian colleges practically giving them away (or even bestowing honorary ones). My dad doesn’t call himself “Dr,” so Tesch’s use of the term may be vanity.
Some of the funding comes from the “fanbase.” In particular, they used a little ad in the books to solicit investments from the general public for the movie. This seems to have failed, of course. The rest of the funding was from Gerry Tesch’s infinite wallet, which seems to have run dry as of late, perhaps due to lack of profitability. The movie appears to be on hiatus until other projects are completed.
Uncle Ruckus on 16 July 2012, 09:09 said:
Thanks a lot Fireshark!
Betty Cross on 23 July 2012, 20:00 said:
Thanks for posting Gloria’s Goodreads page. She gave 4 stars to Twilight by Stephenie Meyer but posted no review.