Hey, this is Ari and her crazy friend, Sing, from da ‘hood. Pan is still around somewhere, but he decided to take the backseat for this one.
We’re here with the second sporking of Maradonia and the Seven Bridges, which is a literary disaster that makes our brains boil wonderful piece of writing. This is Chapter One. It’s preceded by this freaky drawing lovely piece of artwork.
Some have wondered. Who is Gloria Tesch? For those who didn’t visit the website, you can read her bio here.
Gloria Tesch was born on April 17,1994 in San Diego, Southern California. Gloria Tesch is a master story teller and she was crafting her tales, characters and places of ‘Maradonia and the Seven Bridges” with extraordinary diligent and talent. Gloria Tesch has the brightness of vision necessary to create sweeping epics and it is the storyteller’s simplicity and gift that makes readers love her. Gloria Tesch celebrated her thirteenth Birthday when she presented her first book of the Maradonia Saga, ‘Maradonia and the Seven Bridges’.
Gloria Tesch started writing when she was nearly eleven years old. She wrote short stories, poems and was a frequent visitor at the local library. Sometimes she was reading more than five different books per week. The love for fantasy and fiction inspired her to write the 90 chapter ‘Debut Novel’ – ‘Maradonia and the Seven Bridges’.
Incredible. She really is a master. Five books a week? shakes head Unparalleled, that is. [/endsarcasm]
…Mmkay. Thankfully (for everyone) this chapter’s much shorter, so you can get through it easier. There’s also lovely photos for you to enjoy. But beware…Sing’s Taiwanese/Chinese/Generic Azn. This automatically mean things are going to get crazy.
Really crazy.
THE NEW SCHOOL
“Get up! It’s your first day of school. Maya and Joey, you don’t want to be late.”
Their mom called from the kitchen.
Sing: The New School. Oh good. Angst time.
Ari: Nice font size change. Reminds me of a picture book.
Sing: Thus peter rabbit was hunted down by Farmer George, skinned, and is now being chopped up by their mom calling from the kitchen.
Ari: Nuooooo! Not Peter rabbit D:
Sing: …
Ari: AHEM. First thing: grammar fail. And she called to their bedrooms from the kitchen? How small is the house?
Sing: Actually, I’m wondering where the comma went. O_O Isn’t it supposed to be ‘late…,” their mom called from the kitchen.’?
Ari: NO COMMAS ALLOWED, FOOL. Not in the hood.
Sing: D: is cowed
Maya was very excited to go to the new school and she was hoping to make some new friends.
Ari: Sounds like something from a second grader’s story.
Sing: And she’s obviously never been new. I WAS EXPECTING ANGST >:O. PS. To readers: that was an entire paragraph. No. Really.
Ari: Time for a new drinking game. This time, it’s every time we smell a Sue.
The family had moved during their summer vacation to Oceanside.
Joey knew that the new school would be challenging but he also knew that he could make friends easier than anyone else.
Maya was different. She was tall and a very beautiful girl and although she stood out of the crowd, she was extremely shy and did not make new friends easily.
Ari: Here’s the first infodump. Maya was different. SUE ALERT. drinks
Sing: drinks Tall, beautiful, stood out in a crowd, shy. She’s perfect.
Ari: Did this girl read the manual for sues and copy directly from it?
Sing: No. She wrote the manual, foo. With the help of CP and Meyers. And why do I smell a self-insert? Not to mention that she reminds me of Bella.
Ari: dies What. Even Bella is better than this. At least Eragon is a sociopath and Bella got the hot vampire dude, and she was sort of funny…falling a lot.
Sing: Eragon’s not supposed to be a sociopath though… and her hot vampire dude…well…sparkles.
Maya and Joey got along just fine but in many ways they were opposites.
Sing: Opposites attract. ….incest?
Ari: Totally.
Sing: My thought process frightens me.
Ari: …I was thinking the same.
Pan: appears You two are such perverts.
Maya was always hesitant and she was mostly thinking before she started doing anything.
Sing: Awkward prose make my eyeballs spin. So she was thinking before, but only mostly… did she stop thinking after?
Ari: I sense innuendo.
Sing: He’s pushing her too hard. Don’t give in, Maya!
Ari: Abstinence is key. She doesn’t want to go that far yet. Don’t worry though. Virginity is a gift you can rewrap… again…and again… a never-ending Christmas!
Joey was spontaneously acting before he started to think about a situation. Often they disagreed on private matters and it took them a while to agree on something.
Sing: I. Am. Dying. This is beyond grammar fail. This is grammar torture, rape, and murder.
Ari: I know. …I wonder what private matters is. :O
Sing: It’s none of our business. It’s private. winkwink
Ari: “But Joey, I don’t want to become a woman, yet.” “Make me a man, Maya!”
After Maya and Joey had finished breakfast, they walked to the bus stop and waited for the bright yellow bus to arrive.
Sing: MAGIC SCHOOL BUS 8D
Ari: So what? That’s what they ride in America.
Sing: But it’s bright. The lack of dust or mud or anything most school buses have must be symbolic. It’s special. It’s a sign of destiny. It’s foreshadowing … Look, I’m trying to help her here.
Ari: … Right. At least they don’t have the weird buses like here in china.
Sing: No, we just have boring gray buses with kid spitup up the aisles.
Starting school at ‘Oceanside High’ was more difficult then Maya thought.
Ari: Not the random quotation marks again. Why does she do this?
Sing: Of course, being ‘shy’ and ‘new’, she wouldn’t have thought it would be ‘difficult.’
Joey made friends instantly. He was always popular.
Ari: poof instant friends! Just mix with water. drinks
Sing: Popular! You’re gonna be po-pu~lar! I’ll teach you the proper poise, when you talk to boys~~
Ari: Nuoooo. Wrong story. I wish we were watching Wicked.
Sing: <3
At his old school, Joey was once part of a nationwide painting poster-contest and he won this contest. He received many letters from several congressmen in Washington, from the governor and from the superintendent of all the schools of the state.
Sing: Wow. Awesome poster painting = National recognition. My Gary Stu senses are tingling.
Ari: She’s obviously never won a contest in her life. drinks
Sing: My 3rd grade essay in a how drugs are bad contest won me a Frisbee once.
Ari: Once I won a pack of condoms…wait, wrong story. Forget I said that.
He kept these letters in his treasure box in his room and he is still very proud to have them.
Sing: Along with his security blankie…
Ari: And a pile of pirated porn…or Playboy. Tense usage fail.
Sing: They used the Playboy bunny’s skin to make the cover of this book.
Ari: What happened to puppies? shock
During the banquet in honor of Joey in his old school, a real senator from Washington was greeting Joey in the name of the President and was praising Joey’s ability by saying, “Joey, you have great potential. When I look at your poster I can see your ability as a bridge builder, who can create in his fantasy bridges into different dimensions.”
Sing: All this for painting a poster. Maybe I should paint a poster. drinks
Ari: It must be a pretty epic poster. drinks
Sing: It was. It had fantasy bridges. And I still don’t get what he’s trying to say.
Ari: A real senator.
Sing: As opposed to a fake senator? We have enough of those. They want something. It’s in the way they smile at you.
Ari: We can use someone like you, Joey. By the way, what senator would say that?
Sing: Actually, what human being would say that. I can’t make heads or tails of it. I keep thinking there’s a word missing there.
Ari: Glora Tesch, obviously. And I think there is.
When Maya saw her brother running in the school park or walking in the hallways during recess she always saw a bunch of teenagers who gathered around Joey.
Sing: Ohhh, jealousy. Sibling rivalry. It’s getting better. And I think Joey should sparkle.
Ari: I WANT A SCHOOL PARK. Why don’t we have a school park?
When Maya said “Hello” to anyone of the students and tried to be friendly, no one really responded.
Ari: O_O First time she used quotations properly
Sing: I’m afraid to move.
Most of them just looked at her and treated her as a stranger in the new school. They felt that Maya was somehow different than the other students but they did not exactly know what it was.
Sing: Because she is a stranger?
Ari: Duh. You’re the new kid. And it’s time for another drink. drinks
Sing: And she’s different. They don’t understand her. Make the jump to Planet Sue with Ludicrous speed (> ._______.)> sips bubbletea
Ari: Don’t tell me you’re drinking bubble tea. Which, for all you folks at home, is this:
Sing: I am. AZN PRIDE. >3< You are such a traitor to the azn awesomity.
Ari: You sound like Kenneth Eng. is white
Sing: … shoots eng
Ari: I’ve taught you well.
It took Maya several months to make a couple of new friends but she made also some enemies. One of them was ‘Alana Terence’! She was a member of the ‘Gothic Movement’ and she had a very rebellious spirit.
Sing: ‘Alana Terence’!!1111! In quotations AND italics. This is so hardcore.
Ari: Of the goffick movement. Like in My Immortal.
Sing: You’re doing it wrong. It’s the ‘Goffick Movement’ And never remind me of that fic again. >.<
Ari: What’s the gothic movement? I didn’t know Goths were organized like that.
Sing: Maybe it’s a clique, but they have a special ‘Utimate Evil™’ name because they’re so epic like that. It’s in quotations after all.
Ari: And why are Goths always automatically bad people?
Sing: I dunno. I have a friend back in California. She’s Goth, and she’s awesome, and smart, and funny.
Ari: I know really nice gothic people, and they just like wearing black. Nothing wrong with that.
Sing: I think Maya’s just jealous.
Ari: I’m jealous. I want to be in the ‘Gothic Movement’
Sing: We should start one. I’m wearing black already.
She was one of the ‘bullies’ in the school and she was mean to everyone, especially to Maya, because she sensed a different spirit in her.
Sing: ‘bullies’. Because these are special bullies. They abuse quotations. Kinda like how ‘Gloria’ does. And Alana reminds me of Alanna.
Ari: Tamora Pierce owns this thing a bazillion times. This shouldn’t be used as toilet paper to wipe Tamora’s butt.
Sing: Lovely image, Ari. ANYWAYS. Tamora Pierce is win. And her guys are sexy.
Ari: I <3 Numair.
Sing: OH ‘DARK AND SEXY’ 8D
Ari: Is Alana psychic? Or are they all just really New Age-y?
Sing: drinks I dunknow.
Being fifteen and starting in a new school was not easy.
Sing: We’ve established this. Not to mention the million kids in the world who have been new before already know without you banging her insecurity into our heads to make us pity her. You don’t have to do that. We already do.
Maya felt still like a stranger in the new school.
Ari: Who knew that new kids would feel strange?
Sing: Maya still felt like a stranger. It’s not that hard to switch two words, girl.
Although Maya had several problems, she was a highly unusual girl in many ways. She was a very spiritual and a very serious person.
Sing: Several problems. This might explain a lot.
Ari: Highly unusual. Sue alert. drinks
Sing: She’s spweshial :O drinks bubbletea
Ari: The author is supposedly Christian. Is this supposed to convert people? I’m Christian and I don’t want to be converted.
Sing: Reminds me of CP and atheism. Well, give her props for trying to send a message in her writing. Better than a plotless sex fantasy gloop like Twilight.
AriL Hey, Twilight has messages. smears on eyeliner It’s deep, okay???? OKAY?
Soon after Maya was born, her grandmother was holding her in her arms and said, “This is indeed a very serious child!”
Ari: This is such Trainwreck/10. So horrible, yet fascinating.
Sing: I think her grandma couldn’t find anything nice to say.
Ari: It reminds me of the Lion King…when Rafiki held Simba over the cliff and stuff. HE WILL BE KING.
Sing: Alright. My inner writer can’t stand this. Must. Fix. “Soon after Maya was born, her grandmother had held her in her arms and said, “This is a very serious child, indeed!” Ok. I think I made it worse D: Maybe there’s a reason she doesn’t use proper grammar.
Ari: It’s a statement. Be cool. Don’t use grammar. I mean, who uses it anymore? So yesterday.
When Maya was four years old she started painting huge oil paintings and worked with water colors.
Ari: AT FOUR YEARS OLD?
Sing: Oh woopee. Another prodigy. When I was 4, I finger-painted.
Ari: When I was four, I ate play-dough, and chased butterflies. drinks
Sing: I watched Sesame Street :3 And cried whenever I saw Barney.
Ari: high fives I watched Magic School Bus. I didn’t paint frickin’ huge oil paintings.
Sing: I did. I was ‘a highly unusual girl’.
With eight years, she had her first exhibition in form of an article in the ‘National Journal of Art’ with an interview and six of her best pictures.
Sing: Does she mean ‘within’ eight years?
Ari: Is there really a National Journal of Art?
Sing: Why not? It’s in quotations after all.
Ari: I Googled it. There’s nothing.
Sing: You know. Most people with true talent, Picasso, Whitman, weren’t made famous until after they died. And here she is, so amazingly talented and worshiped while she’s still alive. You’d think she’d develop into a more arrogant archetype.
Ari: Should we kill her then?
Sing: We should. Maybe then we’d appreciate her more.
Maya wrote stories and poems and was building statues from clay.
Ari: O rly nao? Sing, this is for you.
Sing: <3 that. My tip for her? Join the Art Club.
She was a very optimistic girl about everything in life but she was absolutely unhappy in the new school and she could not really figure out ‘why’ she was so unhappy.
Sing: .___________. She was a very optimistic girl. Now, why doesn’t this make sense to me?
Ari: angstangstcutcut ‘why’ DDDD: ‘Why’ Why cannot I find true wuv? D:
Sing: Maybe she’s not trying to be liked. Oh wait, no, she said hello, and she has a couple of friends.
Ari: ‘Why’ am I so beautiful and talented? It’s SUCH A CURSE.
Maya had the peculiar feeling that everybody hated her for just being there.
Ari: I hate her for just being there.
Sing: When I see ‘peculiar feeling’, my mind goes off on dirty tangents.
Ari: Me too. I have this peculiar feeling… in my pants.
sansafro on 7 April 2009, 23:06 said:
Just what the hell is this dickery? That book has to be an elaborate troll. Nobody can possibly be that incompetent.
Marquis De Carabas on 7 April 2009, 23:31 said:
Yeah… this story just feels like pure, distilled fail. Seriously, did Gloria not proofread her book or anything?
But still, my writing was definitely no better, if not worse, than Gloria’s when I was her age.
LiquidNitrogen on 7 April 2009, 23:41 said:
The book isn’t very good at all…
TOTALSUEISMTHISMADEMYHEADHURT!!!!!
Snow White Queen on 7 April 2009, 23:50 said:
Teehee…the Sue is glaring.
But I love ‘My Immortal’ and wearing black. :D (Ooh, I’m a super mean Goth!)
SubStandardDeviation on 8 April 2009, 00:50 said:
I knew this book was going to suck as soon as I read the self-important bio on the author’s website.
LiquidNitrogen on 8 April 2009, 01:23 said:
That was fail.
falconempress on 8 April 2009, 02:23 said:
because serious babies are srs bzns
wtf is wrong with the person who wrote the bio? Why oh why would you start every single sentence with the authors full name? bio fail.
also, the only thing we learned from this chapter is that Maya is omg so speshul and has trouble making friends. And that kids deserve recognition on a national level once they acually finish something. Hmmm… do I see any wish – fulfillment there? Note to the author: if you keep raping the English language like that, you WILL get your recognition. But only as someone who actually topped The Eye of Argon in horribleness.
Ari on 8 April 2009, 04:10 said:
Hey, My Immortal is epic win. Nothing can top the genius of that fanfic for me. :p
Glad you all liked.
Sing on 8 April 2009, 05:16 said:
:] Since it’s established that I don’t have much of a life, I just want to share some things I found while googling luverly Gloria here.
Tidbit 1.
Be sure to check out the answer the Top Contributor person gave.
Tidbit 1.
Guess who’s been chosen for best answer?
Ari on 8 April 2009, 05:19 said:
Sing, you are so behind the times. Go check out the AD LiveJournal. We’ve dissected all of this already….but it’s funny to read again.
[I have no life either. I is a nigga nerd.]
Heh, I like the “am I a good writer at 13” question. Me: NO. You are not a good writer. And for God’s sake, DON’T PUBLISH YOUR BOOK.
Sing on 8 April 2009, 06:25 said:
Psh. Shush. I didn’t enter the world of anti-fandom until recently. ;_______;
and LJ is a pain >.<. Not quite sure how to go about using it.
oO She asked that question? goes to LJ. Fishing for compliments does not garner respect.
Neh, I shouldn’t be talking. I fish for compliments. More like harpoon for them.
Ari on 8 April 2009, 08:11 said:
I harpoon for compliments as well. Remember our chat conversations? YAY OR NAY FOOL.
Morvius on 8 April 2009, 10:16 said:
Oh please…the Eye of Argon is better than this.
falconempress on 8 April 2009, 10:34 said:
I just forgot to add – epic win you guys, this is some awesome sporking right here:) I honestly admire you for ploughing your way through all of this ridiculous nonsense. Seriously, you made my day with this
peppercake on 8 April 2009, 10:49 said:
I didn’t get the 5 star reviews of the book at amazon, i mean the only way i could say that this book is superb would be… ah nah forget it.
OverlordDan on 8 April 2009, 11:31 said:
Quite funny, I almost lost it with the high class “O-Rly?” bird.
I only have one complaint; Its taken me five years to get that song out of my head. >:(
…
Popuuuular…
Apep on 8 April 2009, 12:53 said:
I swear, if I had to read this “book” (“steaming pile” might be a better term), I’d probably end up clawing at my eyes screaming “make the hurting stop”. I don’t know how you do it.
Juniper on 8 April 2009, 13:29 said:
She could be a writer. She just needs to go home, practice more and come play again later.
Also, an excerpt from the book from the yahoo!answers link:
Reminds me of the White Witch’s deal with Aslan.
Screamingfangirl on 8 April 2009, 16:01 said:
Why would the army of ten thousand people cheer when hearing that they didn’t have to fight, from what I remember from the website, something like 300 soldiers? When I read about soldiers in good books, they always want to fight, because they are loyal to a cause or just plain like fighting. They certainly don’t act like schoolchildren on a snow day when told that it turns out there was no need for them to ready their weapons and their armor, organize into troops, and quite probably travel for at least a couple hours to get to their destination. And if they had any sort of respect for their commander, they wouldn’t show their dislike for fighting so carelessly.
Juniper on 8 April 2009, 16:05 said:
OMG STOP CRITISIZING ITS HER BOOK OKAY!!!
…that is to say, eh, I agree. But then, not much else makes sense with this book, does it? Ari and Sing, you masochist sickos, good job.
Ari on 8 April 2009, 18:24 said:
Why am I not allowed to criticize her “book?” I believe it’s a terrible excuse for writing, and I am entitled to my own opinions. And yes, we know it’s her book. I would never want to own anything like this. I’d die from the shame. But we are allowed to criticize what we want.
But awesome, I’m now a masochist sicko. Can I be a nigga nerd masochist sicko plz? :]
Thanks for not typing in alternating caps/lowercase, at least. But that one was funny. D:
Juniper on 8 April 2009, 19:19 said:
Ari, you totally failed to detect my sarcasm. D=
(I thought I was enough of a presence on this site that such confusion wouldn’t happen. sigh Oh well.)
* crawls back into hole *Screamingfangirl on 8 April 2009, 19:47 said:
I understood you ^^
Amelie on 8 April 2009, 20:53 said:
Re: Sue-ism
I read on the author’s blog that the character (if you can call her a character) Maya was an intentional self-insert. Let’s be fair, now. I mean, we don’t know Gloria Tesch, do we? How do we know that she isn’t tall and beautiful and stand-outish with magical artistic powers?
Gray Falcon on 8 April 2009, 21:17 said:
There’s not really much to say about this chapter. Still, she really should try to show her character’s personalities and attitudes, rather that just make flat statements. But you all know that.
Are you planning on doing the whole book, or just the free forty-page preview?
Sing on 8 April 2009, 21:26 said:
Ari. The force is weak in you. :[
@overlord
…Little ways to flirt and flounce OOH I’ll teach you what shoes to wear, how to fix your hair. Everything thing that really counts to be… is killed
@ ppl wondering how we do this without turning our brains to mush
the sporking makes it much more bearable :3
And yes, I’m a masochistic sicko, cept I pwn you Ari since I’m asian which makes me automatically an Azn Nerd Masochist Sicko.
@Gray Falcon
We’re only doing the preview since I am NOT willing to spend money on this book. The cover itself is enough to turn me off. Well, if Ari is willing to waste her money, I guess we could always do the whole book oO cept it’s like 800 pages long apparently.
@falconempress
:) Glad you liked it.
@juniper
drags back out of hole
@peppercake
I highly suspect those were her friends she enlisted to rate and review for her.
Ari on 9 April 2009, 01:39 said:
I’m such an idiot. Sorry Juniper, I replied to that right when I woke up…I don’t get sarcasm at 6 in the morning. I thought you were serious….I’m so pathetic. dies of embarrassment
We’re doing the preview atm, but I might buy the book this summer when I go to America. We’re going to Florida, which is where she lives, so I should be able to get it.
On the note of Gloria Tesch, I saw some photos of her and she is rather pretty, at least in my opinion. Which is good, because her writing is crap and she needs something going for her. She had a pose quite similar to Smeyer, though:
Crap, that is big. Ironically Smeyer is much bigger than Tesch. Hmmm. Karma sucks. Sorry for posting her face for you to see. D:
See what I mean? They both have that smug, smirk “I is a gud riter and ur nawt haha lolz” thing going on. Please tell me I’m not alone here!
Though I’ll vouch that Smeyer is prettier, definitely. And at least she looks nicer…Mormons are nice, right Sing? At least the ones we know are, even if they are a little strict on the having fun thing.
Morvius on 9 April 2009, 06:42 said:
Did you read the Gold of Ophir? Has it improved? Anyway I find the viewers comments on her blog rather hilarious. No scratch that. EXTREMELY hilarious.
Morvius on 9 April 2009, 06:45 said:
Oh wait, sorry I missed the part where you mentioned that you only read the prologue/samples. Anyway, where did you get the samples? I would like to admire them in their entirety.
Anyway I found the excerpt hilarious. Apparently it was one of her readers who recommended this section:
It was a difficult situation but the men in the camp stood closely together as one strong force and were ready to fight for their freedom and for their commanders Joey, Maya and Captain Goran. “It is wonderful to see when the people in this camp believe in their leaders and commanders but it is more wonderful when the leaders believe in their people,” said Joey and continued, “maybe the time will come or has already come that we as leaders of this camp will pay a price to carry out our calling!” “Bravo, Bravo, Bravissimo…” interrupted Gertrude, “most people think that we are the bad ones but basically we bring peace to the world. My two friends and I have agreed to make you an offer which you cannot reject.” “And what is this diabolical offer?” asked Maya standing between Joey and General Goran. “This is not a diabolic offer. It is an honest offer because we are ready, willing, able and we have also agreed that we will let your men go free. They are all free to go home and they can take all their belongings and possessions with them and go back to their families.”~ 229 ~
“You will let them go home?” Goran asked. “Yes, they can go home… all of them. They do not have to fight our army of over ten thousand men which has your camp surrounded.” The army of ten thousand also cheered when they heard that they had not to fight. “Under one condition, of course, will we let them go free…The condition is that Maya and Joey give their lives freely as human sacrifices in honor of our lord Abbadon the son of the great Apollyon.”
Sing on 9 April 2009, 07:35 said:
Here you go, ‘Morvius’: Maradona and the Seven Horcruxes
PS.
……. So who can pick the odd one out (besides the fact that she’s refering to Gloria)? .____.
Here are the review in their entireties. I dug a bit deeper and the Mary woman has a minor in English Literature. The Leah person is an EDITOR. dies Is this what the world is coming to?
Glorification
james brown on 9 April 2009, 08:56 said:
err…Hi everyone, normally i’ll just sit on the fence and enjoy this kinda stuff, but on reading through the ‘glorification’ blog above, i came across this:
With the second book almost complete and the third in progress, this nine book series is already mapped out for an unbelievable thrill ride in sweeping epic style!
Incase you missed it… NINE BOOK SERIES!!! just thought i’d share the good news. Ari, Sing, you’ve got your work cut out for you.
Morvius on 9 April 2009, 12:27 said:
Oh my, the illustrations…it buuuuuuurns!
Morvius on 9 April 2009, 14:20 said:
Anyway guys, prepare yourselves. The book gets worse based on that link Sing sent me.
Spanman on 9 April 2009, 15:19 said:
I would gladly, gladly take Twilight over this. Just imagine trying to read Maradonia out loud. How do you say a sentence that makes grammar hole up in a corner and cry?
Ari on 9 April 2009, 21:04 said:
I’m not sure. It’ll probably give me brain cancer later on.
Btw, next section this weekend.
Adam on 10 April 2009, 22:36 said:
@Ari: I dunno…that photo of Gloria is really nice, but I don’t think the rest of them on her website are as much.
@James: Maybe Gloria is pulling a Paolini! Maybe she doesn’t want to let go of the world she created (well, that depends on your definition of ‘world’, actually) so she’s expanding the trilogy to a…non-ology, or whatever that’s called. At least she’s doing it all up front, rather than expanding the series to 4, then 5 and 6 books like Paolini is most likely going to do.
Ari on 10 April 2009, 23:55 said:
You really think PaoPao is going to do that? I’m just hoping he’ll stop at four…
Adam on 11 April 2009, 02:17 said:
Well, he definitely loves his fantasy world a whole lot, and I’m guessing that he doesn’t want to leave it anytime soon. Maybe a fifth Eragon book isn’t what he has in mind…but I’ve already heard talk about “other stories” that C-Pao wants to tell, set in the world of Alagaesia. So…I’m guessing he’s not giving up on that world anytime soon. Sort of a pity…he definitely needs a fresh start at this point…at least in my eyes, he does.
Artimaeus on 12 April 2009, 02:06 said:
Hrm. I was thinking. since about a quarter of the posts on this forum don’t make much sense without reading the troll’s comments, do we really have to delete them? I understand that it’s probably best not to indulge them and keep the comments clear, but couldn’t there be a crank file (or something) where we can go to look at the more off the wall posts?
Artimaeus on 12 April 2009, 02:16 said:
Oh, oops. It seems I made that comment in the wrong forum. Boy, my face is red sheepish grin
Nosferatu on 13 April 2009, 04:33 said:
This is great. Not the book, obviously, which causes me physical pain, but the sporking is top-notch.
And I lol’d when I saw the upper-class o rly. I was hoping you’d also show the upper-class no wai. Ah well, I suppose there will be plenty of time for exclamations of horror and surprise throughout the rest of this book.
Christy on 18 April 2009, 16:31 said:
You guys! WTF!
I mean seriously! Here we have a 14 year old author who put so much work into a freaking 800 PAGE NOVEL! And her second novel has that many pages too! I can’t even sit down to begin to write a 15 PAGE STORY! And I’m 21! Show some respect here, okay? And shame on you…! You have all that time to waste it criticizing such a successful young author. SHAME ON YOU!Are you kidding me? Do you even have a simple life?
~~Christy~~
Btw= Is that the picture of the author? I’m jealous. She looks really pretty for her age! :p
Juniper on 18 April 2009, 17:17 said:
Welcome back, Gloria
CGilga on 18 April 2009, 18:15 said:
I really want to respond, but Sly told us not to. My head hurts…><
Ari on 19 April 2009, 20:57 said:
Lol. I love that. Hi there, Gloria, or whoever you are.
Legion on 19 April 2009, 23:29 said:
ONLY 800 pages? Pfft, that’s nothing! I’m actually on the 2843th page of my 5000++ page novel. It’s going to be epic just like
Maradonia. To prove it, I’ll even post a page of my WIP:
SHAME ON YOU NOW SHOW ME THE RESPECT.
Sing on 20 April 2009, 02:40 said:
Hiya, Gloria/Christy/Troll. You’ll be pleased to learn that we’ve almost got Spork Part Three up. :] We’re doing it just for you. n__n
james brown on 20 April 2009, 04:57 said:
I wish she would come on here to defend her book just like cool guy maxey. hehehe
Ari on 20 April 2009, 06:43 said:
Legion you totally made my day. I <3 you for that. But don’t write too much…all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. [/lamepun]
SMARTALIENQT on 23 May 2009, 22:04 said:
Sing: ‘bullies’. Because these are special bullies. They abuse quotations. Kinda like how ‘Gloria’ does. And Alana reminds me of Alanna.
Ari: Tamora Pierce owns this thing a bazillion times. This shouldn’t be used as toilet paper to wipe Tamora’s butt.
Sing: Lovely image, Ari. ANYWAYS. Tamora Pierce is win. And her guys are sexy.
Ari: I <3 Numair.
Sing: OH ‘DARK AND SEXY’ 8D
YAY! Go Numair! And I agree with everything you say. I love writing, and while I’m not much older than this troll was when she published, I’m pretty confident I could write better than this. Hell, I can name several elementary schoolers who could write better than this! At least they know how to use quotation marks correctly.
As to the “five books per week” comment… Give me a Saturday with absolutely nothing to do, and I will go through five or more large novels. I am not a prodigy – I just happen to be able to do that sort of thing. I have a feeling that Gloria really wants to be a prodigy, and so she has published a book detailing her
character’sself-insert’s prowess and prestige (and choosing extraordinarily inappropriate places to do so). She pushes this fabrication further by the bio on her website, which not only is the worst form of published bragging I have ever read in my life (“it is the storyteller’s simplicity and gift that makes readers love her”), but she says that her book has 90 pages, conveniently ignoring the fact that many chapters are only a few pages long.My hat goes off to you for this brilliant piece of spork! <3
Steph the Phantasmagorical on 24 May 2009, 02:51 said:
I agree with SMARTALIENQT. Five books a week is nothing unusual.
Anyway, it seems like the stuff that Gloria HAS read hasn’t really improved her writing skills. If you want to read a fourteen-year-old author who is FANTASTIC (yes, I know the caps use makes you disinclined to believe me, but trust me, that book was awesome), go read Mirror Dreams by Catherine Webb. I loved it. The only problem was, I got a little jealous that she’s done it by that young age, and I haven’t!
Anyway, I can’t belive the editors of this thing. I want to be an editor, seriously, just so I can introduce some great stuff back into literature. Like Twilight. Now was THAT great, or what?
[/sarcasm]
Oh, and if anyone’s read Mirror Dreams and hated it, I’d love to know why. I’m not the most astute judge unless I already know why it’s bad.
Bumble B. on 25 May 2009, 23:31 said:
Loved the spork, especially the school bus. I can’t believe that
MaryMaya would hate going to ‘Oceanside High‘ if she gets to ride a bus like that!I laughed when I saw this line on her website:
“Behind every successful person lies a pack of Haters!”
Inspector Karamazov on 5 June 2009, 00:35 said:
That
“Bravo, Bravo, Bravissimo…” from the excerpt gives me Phantom of the Opera Vibes….
But my God, this thing is awful. it’s like what I wrote at age 11 when I was high on sugar and hadn’t got enough sleep.
SMARTALIENQT on 6 June 2009, 18:03 said:
Aha! I believe I have discovered a possible reason why everything is ‘like this’.
When I write, and I don’t what I’m going to name something, I put it in parentheses. So a section of my work would look something like:
(Mary Sue?) walked down the street. She was going to visit her friend, Gary (Something).This leaves two possible conclusions. Either a) Gloria is such a bad editor of her own work that she didn’t even bother to come up with a name for the ‘Evil Empire’, and possibly forgot to replace all the words that are ‘like this’, or b) She actually thinks that’s how nouns are used, outside of the names of the main characters (and she even uses the italic treatment on ‘Alana Terence’, so I’m not even sure about that).
Either way, it’s still fun to read this spork.
Ari on 28 June 2009, 23:04 said:
“Behind every successful person lies a pack of Haters!”
This made me laugh out loud. Methinks someone has found my spork. :p
Ezra Lileikis on 23 July 2009, 03:13 said:
That chick has got to be a ‘troll’. Eleven years old, writes a crappy fantasy book. Whoop-dee-stinkin’-doo.
Thirteen. Publishes said crappy book. Disses on Nancy Fan (Who is kinda decent, albeit heavy-handed; as far as my taste for fantasy goes.)
Fifteen now. Gloating and haughty.
I’m disappointed in my age group. I first see “Hmm, not written in the queen’s English,” and then it escalates into, “Hey, I suppose I must be a prodigy if this girl got published.”
I mean, I’m enough of a pretentious git about my own creations (and I’m going to make a wiki of them; the world is that complex), but I don’t need this lass making it worse.
On a closing note, feel free to email me at edwinhavilland@gmail.com; so that my pretentiousness be derailed.
Amanda on 14 October 2009, 11:52 said:
I would not read 800 pages of this. All very well she was only 11 when she started writing but for gods sake how did she drag it out over 800 pages with the complete absence of ay discription!? I shall tell you how, because that girl has wrote pages opon pages of mindeless bleighh. Who’d find it exciting to read about saving Maraonia when it just seems like a very modernised crappy version of Narnia. 800 pages of rubbish is no match for one line of genius, and reading 5 books a day doesn’t make you a prodgy! i’ll come back once I write something to wipe that smug smile of her prissy little face! Bhah!
Amanda on 20 October 2009, 12:41 said:
hey guys listen to this it comes of her blog-
“Maya, the other main character is based, on Gloria herself. Maya is “a shy girl. She’s tall. She sticks out in a crowd.”
but if this is true then she describes herself as beautiful — “Maya was different. She was tall and a very beautiful girl and although she stood out of the crowd, she was extremely shy and did not make new friends easily.”
OMG VANITY ALERT!She’s not nearly half as pretty as she thinks! she kid of looks like a horse! (hehe i’m gonna get soooo much abuse 4 this lowlz! ^^) by da way, sing, ari i love u guys ur soo funny! =D
I wrote the comment above!
Max on 4 November 2009, 15:11 said:
Brilliant sporking.
This sure makes my own story (which is kinda similar) seem amazing.
Kate on 13 December 2009, 16:19 said:
Please do the second book! This is wonderful :)
gervasium on 18 January 2010, 16:26 said:
That was really funny. Though it should be stated that Picasso was a very famous painter even before his death, and actually made a lot of money. Though the same didn’t happen to others like Van Gogh. I don’t know if someone else has said this, though.
omgwtfbbq on 24 July 2010, 01:57 said:
I love how whenever Gloria posts failed rebuttals anywhere, it’s blatantly obvious that it’s her due to her terrible syntax and grammar. MY EYES!!!
Oh, and I’m not sure if anyone has said so on here before, but I read a comment from somewhere in which the user was asking Gloria if her first language was German, because that could explain her capitalization of nouns and awkward syntax. I think it’s highly probable, albeit still pathetic, because she’s most likely an American citizen.
leafbreeze on 15 August 2010, 18:32 said:
This….. this is honestly some of the worst prose I have read. The only thing that comes close is “Big Dog’s” “books.”
Has Tesch never even heard of showing?
JustMe on 9 April 2011, 05:05 said:
Has she ever read her book????
Jeez… Such a waste…
First rule for you to become a brilliant author:
Stay true to yourself.
Second:
Don’t be scared of the people criticizing your book.
Third:
Please. Oh, please. Read your book before publishing it.
Squeee! on 14 April 2012, 03:31 said:
“Why couldn’t Satan have made me less beautiful?”;) Great job, lookig forward to more.