Yo, this is Ari and her imaginary friend here-

Pan: I make all the funny comments.

Sure, you do. Anyways, me ‘n Pan are here for a special sporking series we’ll be doing on what has to be the worst fantasy book ever written. For those who don’t know, it’s called Maradonia and the Seven Bridges; it’s a self-published book by a kid named Gloria Tesch. Most of you probably already know about this since we’ve been ranting about it a lot on the AS Livejournal. You can go to her “website” (beware, it’s a little scary and more than a little arrogant) here.

Hope you enjoy. Sorry if the humor falls flat at times; it’s my first time doing a public sporking and I’m not quite as funny as the other awesome people on here. :p Let us begin? It’s pretty frickin’ long.

…the feast was being prepared at the palace of ‘Apollyon, the King of the Evil Empire’.

Pan: Can you spot the overused cliche?

Ari: Because no one would suspect that the ‘Evil Empire ©’ is actually evil. Nooooo.

Pan: Who knows? It could be a clever move. Perhaps the ‘Evil Empire’ is actually a place of…goodness…happiness? She could be trying to fool us.


Ari: ignores comment Wait – the King of the Empire? That doesn’t sound familiar at all. And you never start a book with ellipses.

Pan: ….Moving on!

Ari: slaps

All the principalities, powers and rulers of the air, the underworld and the commanders of the ground troops had arrived for the meeting of the general council.

Ari: Air! I rule you! Bow down before me, air!


Pan: You’re scaring me.

Arabella, one of the spies in the service of the underworld,

Ari: To give credit where credit is due, Arabella is a rather pretty name. I like it.

Pan: It’d be better without the ‘Bella’ part.

was still waiting for her opportunity to talk to King Apollyon, but the ‘Hoodmen’, the organizers of the meeting, gave her no chance to talk to him. They advised her to sit down at the end of the big hall, far behind the oval table in the information area which was prepared for witnesses and attendees without voting rights.

Ari: I’m confused. People can vote in the Evil Empire ©? We’re only in the first paragraph, and there have been like…four different governments used. 

Pan: Only if they want a new king. Duh.

At the oval table was enough room for the seventy most high ranking rulers of the ‘Evil Empire’.

Ari: How many people rule this place?

Pan: You moron. Seventy. Read the text.

Ari: Reading this makes my eyes burn.

Abbadon, Plouton, Aruses, Gertrude, Lorris, Ceara, Andromeda and Cassandra, Persiano and Pegany and seven other powerful fairies

Pan: snerk Powerful fairies. Charge, my homosexuals of power! Attaaaaack! 


Ari: Forget that. Look at the Greek mythology infodump before it. That’s something we call “useless.” They’re not real characters, you fool, so why list their names?

Pan: Never mind. Gay people are way above this thing. 
I have nothing against gay people, but I wouldn’t even call this book gay. It’s too bad.

sat down at the table with the rulers of the air, Sutornia, Juny and Uranimos, then the three rulers of the Titans,

Ari: Being a mythology nerd, this irks me. You can’t rule the Titans, you moron. Not to mention all the other mistakes. 


Pan: Perhaps she’s talking about the football team from Tennessee?

Ari: Why not? That’s actually more plausible.

Orphilios, Remmilos and Marcarios and a great number of the ground troop commanders It was very quiet in the hall before the meeting started because everybody was waiting for the appearance of ‘King Apollyon, the mighty ruler of the underworld’.

Pan: Ari, you should introduce all your characters with quotes from now on.

Ari: headdesk Grammar fail.

The congregation had to wait a long time until finally a group of dwarfs materialized in mid air and opened the big wing doors of the ‘Kingdom Hall’ when King Apollyon appeared.

Ari: Because walking through the doors would be much harder than somehow (it’s not explained) materializing. 


Pan: materializes There are dwarves in the Underworld?

Ari: I guess they’re too short to reach heaven. Poor guys.

Pan: Why is the Underworld always the place of EVUL? It’s very cliche.

Everybody got up from their seat and bowed down several times until King Apollyon gave the sign to sit. Then he took a seat by himself in the king’s seat

Ari: Let’s start a drinking game. Every time we find a sentence that’s not grammatically incorrect, filled with misused quotation marks, is inconsistent or just plain stupid, take a drink of something of your choice. sips diet coke

Pan: Heh, the king took a seat by himself. Guess he wasn’t good enough to sit…never mind, I can’t come up with a proper joke.

at the oval table and looked around with great satisfaction. King Apollyon started his speech with the words, “I declare the ‘General Council of our Empire’

Ari: drinks Wow.

Pan: And italics! This is getting pretty hardcore.

as inaugurated

Ari: Thesauri around the world scream as they are raped. Couldn’t she just say “in session?” 


Pan: But that doesn’t sound nearly as…


Ari: Stupid? 


Pan: I was going to say amusing.

and everybody at this table has the opportunity to speak freely and openly, but before we will jump into a dialog and the exchange of new ideas, let me introduce and greet my guests of honor.

Pan: This sounds like a republic, you know.

Ari: takes another swig How long is this thing? 


Pan: Four more pages.

Ari: WHAT THE HECK NO. sob

Pan: No worries, the formatting is so screwed up it’s really only like one more page.

Arabella stretched up her neck

Ari: Ew. Just ew. Bad mental imagery. Streeeetch. I guess she never heard the phrase “craned her neck” before.

Pan: Maybe she’s from those Thai tribes with the neck rings.

and expected a warm welcome. “Our guests of honor today are… the ‘Seven Spirits’

Ari: gulps drink

Pan: Not so much. We have to stay sober for this. 


Ari: It reads better when you’re drunk. 


Pan: You’re already drunk? You’re drinking diet coke.

Ari: I really, really want to be drunk. Then I can pretend the screwed up sentences are products of my screwed up mind.

Pan:

Ari: Ellipse! bangs head against wall

our beloved ravens and I want to place them at the seat of honor just at the left side of my chairmanship.

Ari: What the….a chairmanship is a person. Thesaurus rape! 


Pan: steals drink Perhaps he wants the ravens to sit, er, perch, to the left side of whoever the chairmanship is.

Ari: Give that back, fool. And wouldn’t the king be the chairmanship?

Pan: Government type number five. This is so sad.

Arabella sat down again offended and insulted that she was not honored at all… coming from so far away… and with such an important message.

Ari: Grammar fail!!!11!! 


Pan: Somewhere, far, far away, little ellipses are screaming from being abused.

You might ask me why is it… that the seven ravens are our guests of honor today, especially at this important meeting. I will tell you why…

Ari: Every time an ellipse is used in this “book” a puppy is killed and made into a book cover for this thing. Which looks like this:

Pan: ….that’s almost as scary as the prose. Is that supposed to be a beautiful woman?

Ari: At least the Eragon books are semi-pretty. This just makes me want to get really, really, really drunk.

they brought us the message, we were waiting for!

Ari: You’re using the commas, improperly!

Pan: drinks

We did not even know that we were waiting for that message.

Ari: Then how were you waiting for it? Inconsistency.

Pan: drinks You’re right, this stuff actually makes more sense when I’m drunk.

Ari: I’m going to have to drown my sorrows when I’m done with this. Let’s move on.

You see my sons Abbadon and Plouton sitting at my right side.

Ari: No, we don’t. There’s this thing about writing called “showing” that you obviously have not heard about.

Pan: Pshaw. Only stupid people show. Real authors like Gloria spell out everything.

Ari: Time to steal another diet coke. And how long is this king guy speaking?

We learned recently that Abbadon lost a battle in a very devastating crusade against the enemies.

Ari: For a really long time, then. His name sounds like Abdomen.

Pan: Think he has a six pack?

Ari: In the land of Sue, he probably has a quadruple-dozen pack.

Abbadon was accompanied by three of our most feared fairies

Pan: Fearful fairies of doom and darkness, attack!

during this crusade…and …as most of you know… he was defeated by those kids,

Pan: Curse you meddling kids! 


Ari: I’d so rather be watching Scooby Doo right now. D:

Maya and Joey and an army of teenagers.

Ari: This also sounds familiar

Pan: Moronicus storius dieus!

The three leaders of the Titans, Orphilios, Remmilos and Marcarios

Ari: AKA, useless characters ten, eleven, and twelve. 


Pan: All the characters still seem pretty useless so far. Has anything happened yet?

Ari: We’ve gone through a lot of diet coke.

jumped up and hit their fists so hard on the oval table that it splintered

Ari: They need to get a desk like mine. No matter how many times I smack my forehead against it, it doesn’t break. However, this book may change that.

Pan: It looks like it’s ready to splinter…let’s get this done. For the good of the desk!

as they yelled, “How could that be? How is this possible?”

Ari: Why are you asking? Such annoying questions?

“Calm down my friends, calm down!”

Pan: Now they’re all friends. Even with the fairies? 


Ari: Might be more than friends.

Abbadon

Pan: stares at stomach Abdomen.

tried to do his best to destroy the enemy as did Gertrude, Lorris and Ceara

Ari: I really want to pronounce that “Ciara” even though I’m pretty sure that’s not right.

Pan: This – book – is – automatic, supersonic…hip…naughty…funky fresh! 


Ari: Time for another drink. Coke count – 3.

also tried to eliminate the troops of the enemy with their wall of fire, waves of fire, walls of total darkness and with the glowing heat cushion

Ari: Glowing Heat Cushion ©. Guaranteed to give you the most restless sleep you’ve ever had.

of burning snowflakes!

Pan: I’ve heard of oxymorons…this is it without the oxy.

Ari: Prepare yourself. I think we’re about to embark on a dangerous path with this book. drinks

Pan: Full of burning snowflakes?

Nothing worked… and our commanders left in terror, totally discouraged, wondering what happened to their powers.

Ari: What powers? Inconsistency, people. There’s a lot of it in this book.

Pan: I love how this king dude speaks. It reminds me of a fifth grader.

So…I was thinking

Ari: Really now? I don’t think the author was. 


Pan: More puppies are dying! Stop the bloodshed!

… and …I went to my study chamber and looked into some of my very old books but I could not find the answer.

Ari: Google it.

Then the spirits

Pan: That are also ravens, mind you. That sit in chairs.

came back from their ‘spy trip’ through the ‘Land of Maradonia’.

Ari: Why ‘do’ you keep ‘talking’ like this ‘all the time?’ Quotation rape.

Pan: I think the whole English language is being raped by this piece of crap.

Ari: ‘Hopefully there’ won’t ‘be’ any ‘Ancient Languages.’

From the outside of the City Hall of Selinka, their capitol, they had picked up the words ‘Pool of Blood’.

Ari: Which isn’t ominous at all. 


Pan: Who picked up the words? The people or the ravens? 


Ari: Words can’t be picked up, you idiot. drinks

When I heard this news, it triggered

Ari: A seizure? Please die.

some understanding in my mind that there is indeed a pool of blood.”

Pan: Which is now not capitalized. Inconsistency.


Ari: And in the same paragraph as well. When you think you’ve learned everything about bad writing, someone surprises you.

“A pool of blood!? What do you mean?” asked Abbadon.

Pan: Abdomen!

“What I mean is that in the triangle between the ‘Thordis River’, the ‘Canyon River’ and the ‘Cornerstone Massive’…

Ari: Massive what? Bad mental imagery there. I’m a pervert.

Pan: These are making Paolini’s fantasy names look really…good. Something is seriously wrong here.

Ari: drinks That’s because he stole them from Tolkien. 


Pan: Gloria Tesch should have done the same. What crap author did this kid steal from?

Ari: I don’t want to know.

somewhere at the foothills in the mountains is a hidden pool or shall I say, a lake and… I remembered…

Ari: That you’re stuck in what is officially the worst fantasy story ever? I wish I could make myself forget.

that ‘Ruach, the King of Light’

Ari: So if I say ‘Maradonia, a crappy book’ ,does it look better?


Pan: Nah, still looks stupid. 


Ari: And look, the token king of Goodness and Light ©. I was waiting for him to crop up.

once got angry with us and threw the mountain,

Pan: He threw a mountain? In the Underworld?

Ari: I don’t know what to say. drinks I need to be way more drunk for this crap. Screw the diet coke, we’re going for the straight vodka.

including our castle,

Ari: AND A CASTLE? 


Pan: If this guy’s so powerful, why did he need the help of two bratty kids and the DA?

and some of our powers into that lake. Maybe you remember ‘The fall of the Mountain Gamma’!

Pan: I’m going to try and figure out how powers are thrown into a lake.

Ari: Don’t. Your brain will explode.

The water of this lake turned into blood!”

Ari: Again, this sounds really familiar. Being Christian, that somehow annoys me. I don’t like Biblical stuff being stolen for crap books. shrug I need something else to drink.

Pan: Perhaps the author’s firstborn will die. 


Ari: She’s fourteen – er, fifteen. Almost. 
P

Pan: But think – she just raped the whole language in a few pages. There has to be some illegitimate children there.

What does that old story have to do with us today?” Plouton asked.

Ari: Nothing at all. The author just wanted to up her word count.

“Let me finish my son, I will answer this question and what I try to explain, will help all of us answer many questions.

Pan: Grammar fail. 


Ari: He wants to finish his son. Who did he eat first? 


Pan: Bet you Abdomen tastes like…whatever belly would taste like.

The ruler of the ‘Land of Maradonia’, King Astrodoulos,

Ari: I swear the King was named someone else. It sounded like a choking sound.
Rape? Ricah? Ruach? I think that was it.

Pan: Could be two kings….


Ari: Or perhaps the King of Maradonia isn’t the same as the King of Light and Sparkly Rainbows. ©

sent a small group of his troops, commanded by these teenagers

Ari: For once, Paolini’s done a better job. At least his young, uncouth rebels had, like, swords and dragons and magic and stuff. These guys have teenagers.

Pan: Dumbledore’s Army had magic!

Ari: headdesk

and led by General Genarius, to this lake… because anyone… including the horses… who dives into the floods of this lake is ‘untouchable’ by our powers.”

Pan: snerk General Geranium! 


Ari: Ah, the Deux Ex Machina © plot helper. This time it’s a lake.

Pan: Of blood!

Uranimos, one of the rulers of the air got up from his seat and yelled, “I remember that disaster!”

Ari: Is this girl serious? She named a guy Uranimos? 


Pan: drinks Your anu-


Ari: Shut up.

Apollyon got angry

Ari: Ah, I remember when I used to write like this. When I was nine. It brings back such…well, just really bad memories, actually.

Pan: He got an angry what?

and said, “When that mountain… with our former castle on top… was thrown into that lake… several of our powers, which were hidden in that castle, mingled with the water of that lake and created a special red substance, a liquid which makes everybody who dives into that lake…. untouchable from our powers.

Ari: That red substance which is blood?

Pan: I think this king guy is really stupid. He takes so long to say everything.

“That is very depressing news!”

Ari: This is a very depressing book! Makes me seriously doubt the future of America.

Plouton, the younger brother of Abbadon and one of the high ranked rulers said. “But it seems that we have to live with the fact that we cannot touch

Pan: Na, na na na, CAN’T TOUCH THIS! 


Ari: So they were molesting people?

several of these people with our own powers any longer!”

Ari: What do you know? I was right.

Pan: Incredible.

Remmilos, one of the leaders of the Titans started screaming, “This is unbelievable! How is it possible that our leadership ignored such important facts for such a long time? Maybe…we need a change in the leadership of our ‘Empire’!

Pan: So it is a republic. Or something. 


Ari: Inconsistency. I feel like we should be counting it. 


Pan: It would be at a million already. Don’t even bother.

King Apollyon was enraged, closed his eyes and laid his hands slowly, flat on the oval table.

Ari: drinks Grammar fail. This is so sad.

when he opened his eyes again he turned his hands around and two glowing fire balls appeared, hovering over the palms of his hands.

Ari: That sentence is grammatically incorrect in so many ways. How old is this kid again?P

Pan: She’s almost fifteen. Her birthday is this month. 


Ari: Crap, is this what teen writing is coming to these days? The end is frickin’ nigh!

A sudden and a bitter fear of death covered the hall like fog and this fear became visible in the faces of all attendees.

Pan: It also appears on the faces of all who read this book. They’re afraid that the Underworld will be as grammatically incorrect as this book thinks it is.

Two of the dwarfs marched straight over to Remmilos and one of them said, “You have no right to criticize the leadership of our ‘Empire’ and our anointed King Apollyon.”

Ari: I thought he was elected. 
Pan: Government count: 6

Remmilos shivered with fear and answered, “But King Apollyon encouraged all of us at this table to speak freely and openly and I thought that we have the opportunity to exchange new ideas!”

Pan: Democracy does not exist in fantasy novels. Amateur. 


Ari: Fool. Crap, how much longer is this thing?

Pan: A few more paragraphs.

Ari: Nooooooo.

The dwarfs stepped rapidly back when they saw that the king rose from his seat.

Ari: Isn’t the plural of dwarf “dwarves?” 


Pan: I really don’t know. You always steer clear of the token fantasy races in your writing, don’t you?


Ari: And with good reason. Also, tense usage fail.

Apollyon looked at Remmilos without pity when the two fire balls floated in mid air.

Ari: I have this urge to read Eragon. It seems so much better compared to this. Which is probably the saddest thing I’ve ever said.

Then the king nodded and the fire balls melted into one single unit, still hovering over the oval table.

Ari: Because fire, you know, usually melts. It doesn’t burn up or anything.

Pan: Let us drink!

Ari: Being drunk was a much preferred option a long time ago.

When King Apollyon folded his hands and nodded again, the fire ball hit the heart of Remmilos,

Pan: Which is completely different from Remmmmmiloniliosie’s heart.

one of the three leaders of the Titans and consumed his body completely.

Ari: Stop introducing everyone! We really don’t care. 


Pan: I never knew Titans were so combustible. Not like they were, you know, gods or supreme beings or anything like that.

Ari: So now Greek mythology is being raped?

Pan: It was raped a couple of pages before.

One of the dwarfs filled the ashes, the remnant of the Titan, into a bucket and disappeared with all the other dwarfs in mid air.

Pan: Not like you’d need an explanation or anything. 


Ari: I wonder where they went. 


Pan: To Alagaesia. That mead they gave Saphira? Had a little something extra in it.

Ari: Lovely.

Orphilios and Marcarios were outraged. The remaining two leaders of the Titans looked at each other with indescribable hate, which was building up within them against King Apollyon but both of them remained silent.

Ari: Overused cliche number forty-six: indescribable insert emotion/sensation here.

Pan: It might be better. She’d probably just hack up the English language if she tried to describe the looks on their faces.

Everyone was exceedingly horrified and held their breath when King Apollyon continued with his speech, so as if nothing had happened.

Pan: Poor commas. 


Ari: It annoys me so, when they speak, like this.

“We will track these kids down and maybe there is a way to eliminate them once and for all,

Pan: Once and for all. Fool. 


Ari: I can’t get past the fact that the king speaks like an elementary school kid.

even if they are invincible or untouchable for our powers.

Ari: Because nothing can defeat The Evil Empire ©

I could not locate the ‘Pool of Blood’

Ari: Didn’t you say your mountain and castle were in it? How hard is it to find something with a mountain sticking out of it?

but I received the answer from our seven flying spirits, which was a conclusion for me and the reason why I made the ravens my special guests of honor today.”

Pan: So a little bird told him. 


Ari: Seven of them. Because it always has to be seven. Man, I’m so sick of the random quotations.

Arabella swallowed and repeated, “Lake of blood? And Maya and Joey are…?”

Ari: Well, she popped out of nowhere. I still like the name. 


Pan: Not the Bella!

Electric shockwaves, ponderous thunder, blinding lightning’s

Ari: The thunder was…cumbersome? Clumsy? 


Pan: I’m more interested in what the lightning possesses.

inflated and filled the hall. The dwarfs materialized again out of nowhere

Ari: And in Alagaesia people are really freaking out as dwarves randomly go MIA.

Pan: Mebbe this is where that Hrothgar dude went when he died. The afterlife, where he was to serve in an even worse fantasy book.

when the ruler of the underworld, King Apollyon, continued with his speech in a boisterous voice

Ari: King + boisterous? That doesn’t seem right. And stop introducing him! We know who he is.

Pan: Killing that Titan dude perked him up.

and said, “Let me tell you a secret…”

Ari: LUKE I AM YOUR FATHERRRRR

Pan: I’M REALLY VOLDEMORT.

Ari: I’M HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A FAIRY.

To steal from Falconempress, this book makes me want to do this:

Thanks for reading. Hope you didn’t stab your eyes out.

Tagged as: ,

Comment

  1. Sing on 4 April 2009, 01:23 said:

    Ari XD

    Alright, I knew this was going to happen eventually. Seriously though, you should wait for me to come over. Then we can do Swordbird (now there’s a thought) together.

    Anyways, very funny in your Ari-esque way, but honestly oO tl;dr

    I stopped about halfway through. Maybe you should break it up into more than one submission.

    hugglesquishsquish

  2. Sing on 4 April 2009, 01:25 said:

    PS. I stand corrected (slapsself). This is Part One.

    So, yeah, make the parts shorter :]. That’s all.

  3. Stimpify on 4 April 2009, 03:18 said:

    My eyes literally started burning and I don’t think it was just my allergies. The sporking was great, but I halfway through I just skipped to your critique because her writing was so bad.

  4. Adam on 4 April 2009, 03:21 said:

    I liked it! Your sporkings have sort of a unique sense of humor, I think, and they’re fun to read. This book, however…I lost track of what was going on even faster than I did in D:LT.

    Looking forward to the next one.

  5. scary_viking on 4 April 2009, 03:37 said:

    Argh, we really need to stop whining about empires having kings. Must we repeat once again that the title doesn’t have to directly relate to the form of state? Maybe it will in some distant future once humanity agrees on a specific definition of ‘empire’ or something like that, but I’m tired of seeing people take swings at the stuff that doesn’t deserve to be swung at just because the stuff around it is questionable.

    “Hey, that Aerostar probably gets like 50 gallons per mile with that 4LV6 engine!”
    “Yes…”
    “I’ll bet it’s also weak!”
    “?”

    Although the initiator has perfectly good sense with the initiating statement, the second statement makes it perfectly clear that the person has never before driven, ridden in, or probably even seen an Aerostar with a 4LV6 engine.

    Arguably the largest empire in human history, which at its height included over 1/5th of the Earth’s land and population, used the title of ‘King’ for it’s head of state.

    ‘nuff said.

  6. Ari on 4 April 2009, 03:48 said:

    I disagree. It’s pretty well known that the ruler of an empire would be…an Emperor. But perhaps King sounds nicer. I don’t know. shrug

    Thanks to everyone else for the nice comments. :p I know it was really long, but the next parts will be much shorter. Her chapters are only about 500 words. D:

    Thanks.

  7. Golcondio on 4 April 2009, 04:26 said:

    The whole book would have been 10E09 times better if only the title had been, as I first read it, Maradona and the Seven Bridges…
    Diego Armando FTW!

  8. scary_viking on 4 April 2009, 04:30 said:

    It’s pretty well known that the ruler of an empire would be…an Emperor.
    Emperor is kind of a general term used to reference, uh, emperors, and rulers tend to deviate from it in the titles themselves.

    Example:
    The ruler of the Ottoman Empire can certainly in English be called an emperor. But he can also be refered to as the Sultan.

  9. Falconempress on 4 April 2009, 08:22 said:

    Government Fail. And I mean Fail the Greeks should dance upomňn her mutilated remains, for raping both their mythology and the government systems they invented. This is so bad its not even funny.

    Although, your spork made it bearable to read:) Great job on that:) I so approve the use of that macro, Epic Fail indeed.

  10. OverlordDan on 4 April 2009, 08:38 said:

    I first read the title as “Madona and the Seven Bridges”. Great job, and good luck with the rest!

    And…ummm… This may be be the wrong place to put it, but has anyone else noticed how many others on this site talk to themselves?

    Also,

      /l、
    ゙(゚、 。 7
     l、゙ ~ヽ
     じしf_, )ノ

  11. Puppet on 4 April 2009, 10:20 said:

    I think I just fond the book worse then Eragon and Twilight combined.
    WTF fire snowflake cushion? I can’t even see how any person could publish this shit, God, this makes Eragon look like the best book of the century.
    And I hate that name, Arabella, it’s like a cross of Arya and Bella.

  12. Apep on 4 April 2009, 10:38 said:

    Very entertaining, but I don’t envy you the task. Poor, poor Greek mythology.

    @scary_viking: while you have a point, it doesn’t help that they refer to their government as an empire. Plus, calling the ruler of an empire by anything other than “emperor/empress” in a presumably western style world tends to confuses people.

  13. Kevin on 4 April 2009, 10:44 said:

    From her website: “Gloria Tesch is a master story teller and she was crafting her tales, characters and places of ‘Maradonia and the Seven Bridges” with extraordinary diligent and talent.”

    First of all Gloria, the noun form of the adjective ‘diligent’ is ‘diligence.’ Secondly, if you’re going to use a single quote mark to start a quotation, you might think about using a single quote mark to end your quotation. Thirdly, for goodness sakes, if you call yourself a ‘master storyteller’ you’re just asking for it.

    Anyway, good work Ari. I loled at the prose, I loled at the sporkage.

  14. Juniper on 4 April 2009, 11:53 said:

    Anybody see the youtube video of her beating up another girl? There’s also a video of her younger brother getting in a fight and I think she’s the person filming it yelling, “kick his butt”. What can I say? High-class behavior!

    If I were premillenial I’d say Jesus is coming back tomorrow.

  15. Ari on 4 April 2009, 12:26 said:

    Thanks to you all. And yes, I suppose I do talk to myself a lot. And I’m very glad you all get my sense of humor. :D Makes me happy that I’m funny at least on the internet.

    Yeah, I saw the videos. Made me laugh. And the website is just…well…I don’t think there’s a word in English to describe how vain it was. Seriously, people.

  16. SubStandardDeviation on 4 April 2009, 14:02 said:

    “Glowing heat cushion of burning snowflakes!” XD

    FYI, “Dwarfs” and “Dwarves” are both equally acceptable to reference persons with dwarfism or fantasy creatures. ex. Sir Terry uses the former in Discworld.

  17. Snow White Queen on 4 April 2009, 15:29 said:

    That whole first part made no sense whatsoever. But you made it bearable with your spork.

    Anyway, I feel kind of nervous now. With stuff like this circulating around, how will anyone take what I write seriously? (Because this Gloria Tesch seems to be about my age). Not like I’m depending on my writing to get by or anything, but still…

  18. Devin Monahan on 4 April 2009, 16:51 said:

    This is bad. Mind-numbingly, appallingly bad. It goes beyond Eragon and Twilight to Eye of Argon levels of bad. I looked at the website and was at first able to forgive the author for her book’s shitty cover art (often not the author’s decision) and her arrogance because she was smoking hot and about my age, and my primitive male instincts told me that if I just accept her, I might get laid. But then I saw her writing, and I literally felt sick to my stomach. Who would publish this crap?

  19. scary_viking on 4 April 2009, 18:22 said:

    Who would publish this crap?

    Anyone, if you pay them to do it.

  20. Sing on 4 April 2009, 21:53 said:

    Apparently, the book was self-published. So, now my question is, why the hell is there no editor? Even if the word choice comes right out of thesaurus rape, the GRAMMAR could’ve at least been fixed.

    PS. It might be just me, or does it bother anyone else that King Abdomen refers to the children as kids? It just doesn’t sound very appropriate slang for his character.

    None of her characters sound different, do you notice?

    @overlord

    I’ll try to fix Ari >.> Maybe if she had someone to read terrible books with her, she’d be able to retain her sanity.

  21. Snow White Queen on 4 April 2009, 23:00 said:

    Erm, wow, she’s actually a month or so younger than me and lives in the same city I do.

  22. Ari on 5 April 2009, 01:10 said:

    Really? That’s interesting. I’m going near where she lives this summer, and I’m going to buy the book just to see how bad the rest of it is. >.< I have a sick fascination with this sort of thing. And dun worry, Snow White Queen, about your age. Just make sure your writing is good and let people judge you by that. Age doesn’t matter so much anymore.

    And so what if I talk to myself? crazy grin

    But yes, the grammar appalled me.

  23. Diamonte on 5 April 2009, 10:39 said:

    I found this little beauty on Gloria’s difficult-to-read website about herself [the Maradoniablog.com one]

    “I don’t mean to sound lame, Gloria, but you are an inspiration. I am absolutely thrilled to be on your team.

    I am diving into The Seven Bridges strictly for pleasure and will then review and provide editing suggestions as we discussed!

    Just had to tell you that I am half way through your book and it is just unbelievable! It is a blast!!!

    I can’t put it down! No doubt I will have it finished this weekend (then I will have to patiently wait with the rest of your fans for the second one!) Just had to tell you how amazing it is!!!” – Mary Dado (Editor)

    This editor should be burned at the stake. Seriously. I’ve been tracking her down on Google, and if this is her, she has an editing business. http://businesswritingink.com/

    … did you hear that noise just now?

    That was me dying.

  24. Rand on 5 April 2009, 12:28 said:

    Her website was probably written by her parents. As for this odd Mary Dado person… distant relation?

    Anyway, this story is a little stretched-thin right now. Great sprok; can’t wait for more.

  25. Diamonte on 5 April 2009, 15:05 said:

    “Vanity Publishing” or “Self-Publishing” does not make you successful. Anyone can go to a vanity press and get their book published, so long as they have the cash. I could go to a vanity press and publish “This is Bob.” on 800 consecutive pages and call it a novel.

    The author is arrogant and hasn’t even been published like a real publisher, like Harper Collins or others, where they actually will reject you if you aren’t good enough.

  26. Snow White Queen on 5 April 2009, 15:35 said:

    @ Lola:

    It doesn’t matter whether the book is interesting, since it is utterly incomprehensible. I got absolutely NOTHING out of that whole first section other than there’s some evil king and a pool of blood.

    Yes, we are nerds (mostly), but proud of it! (At least, I am.)

  27. CGilga on 5 April 2009, 18:49 said:

    I think we are all proud of beings nerds.

  28. Apep on 5 April 2009, 20:32 said:

    Now all we need are t-shirts

    Nerds of the World, Unite!

  29. Sing on 5 April 2009, 21:48 said:

    \(.____.\) UNITE

    @lola

    oO That statement, was incredibly ironic considering you know almost nothing about her life. Then again, whatever keeps you sleeping at night when you know books like these are being held as an inspiration to all aspiring young writers.

  30. Gray Falcon on 5 April 2009, 22:09 said:

    Gloria managed to mess up one of the easiest cliche setups there is. Shouldn’t it be the hero’s (or at least protagonists’) side that faces the seemingly insurmountable odds? A better (relatively speaking) opening might have been the good army discovering that the enemy somehow found a way through their protection technique. Granted, that’s not the only problem, but every little bit helps.

    A little side note. Abaddon is Hebrew for “Destroyer”, Apollyon is the Greek version of the word. Both appear in Revelations, but I won’t go into further details. What I’m trying to say here is: Keep your naming conventions consistent.

  31. Ari on 5 April 2009, 22:30 said:

    “It seems that you have no life little children. This is a waste of time!
    The book, on the other hand, seems rather interesting. I viewed her website and blog…etc. and it looks like a pretty fasinating read.
    Ari, you must be a dork/nerd who is made fun of in school, and you have nothing better to do then criticize a successful person, unlike yourself.”

    Lawlz. I love comments like this. To answer:

    1. I do have a life. Man, I’ve traveled to almost twenty countries; I’m seeing the world. I scuba dive, I’ve ride camels across the Simpson Desert, I’ve trekked across the grasslands of the Gobi. I so have a life, and it’s an awesome one. Plus I’m gorgeous! What are the odds, right?

    2. If by “interesting” you mean “something my dog could’ve written better”, sure. And you spelled fascinating wrong.

    3. I am such a nerd, and proud of it. Honey, it’s the nerds that become the really successful people in life. Cellphones, computers, etc. wouldn’t be here without nerds. I’m proud to be a nerd. :3

    And how do you know I’m not successful?

    Lawlz, I hope she replies. This stuff always cracks me up. Thanks for coming to my aid, guys! Nerds unite!

  32. Matthew Lee on 6 April 2009, 00:25 said:

    My God, is this what humanity has come to, both the story and the above poster?

  33. Sing on 6 April 2009, 00:30 said:

    Lola. Don’t use the same email next time. XD

  34. Ari on 6 April 2009, 00:34 said:

    Awesome. I always wanted to be a “nIgGA”. Even though I’m really, really…white. And nerdy.

    ‘Cause they see me writing
    They hatin’
    I know in my heart that I’m
    WHITE ‘N NERDY.

    Lawlz, that’s hilarious. Btw, you shouldn’t use the same email add address. It’s a dead giveaway. Thanks for taking the time to write with the alternating caps.

  35. falconempress on 6 April 2009, 00:38 said:

    lol Lola fail. THough I still think she/he/it is a troll.

    I openly akcnowledge my nerdiness and am very proud of it. If we ever make that T – Shirt, I would be one of the first in line.

    And about me having/not having life – you dont wanna go there, kiddo, bwahaha :P

  36. Ari on 6 April 2009, 00:52 said:

    Or else we’ll get our home dogs to beat you up. :)

  37. falconempress on 6 April 2009, 02:14 said:

    An afterthought about Lola – you react like a butthurt 10 year – old, you care about Maradonia and you refer to beating people up a lot… OMG GLORIA IS THAT YOU?

  38. Fenix on 6 April 2009, 02:54 said:

    I read the excerpt, it was horrible, are you sure you want to do this to yourself? you can still quit!

  39. Morvius on 6 April 2009, 10:38 said:

    The Epic Facepalm is epic. I used it for my powerpoint slides during General Paper lessons haha!

  40. Dan Locke on 6 April 2009, 11:19 said:

    “Lola” was a very obvious troll.

    Also, I found a few mistakes:

    Every time we find a sentence that’s not grammatically incorrect, filled with misused quotation marks, is inconsistent or just plain stupid, take a drink of something of your choice. sips diet coke

    Ah, the Deux Deus Ex Machina © plot helper. This time it’s a lake.

    Great sporking, though.

  41. Juniper on 6 April 2009, 12:46 said:

    Nerds have lives.

  42. Kevin on 6 April 2009, 13:32 said:

    Fans of all these books should be a bit more secure and a little less touchy. Laugh at yourselves, you totally-non-nerds-with-totally-sweet-lives-that-put-all-of-ours-to-shame, it’s one of the secrets to a happy and peaceful existence.

  43. LiquidNitrogen on 6 April 2009, 13:45 said:

    http://www.maradonia.com/Author_Maradonia_and_the_Seven_Bridges.php

    ;)

  44. Mike on 6 April 2009, 14:59 said:

    I see potential in this book to become the next “Eye of Argon”.

  45. Devin Monahan on 6 April 2009, 16:20 said:

    She has a blog!!!!

    http://maradonia.com/blog/

    About to take a look at it.

  46. Devin Monahan on 6 April 2009, 16:26 said:

    sigh
    The blog is rather empty. But there is an excerpt from her book, full of run on sentences, bad grammar, and unrealistic dialogue! thumbs up

    Hm. A link called “book reviews” is unfortunately not working. But the link to her Myspace is! I am so adding her!

  47. Ari on 6 April 2009, 18:26 said:

    @Dan

    Thanks for the corrections, but the first one is actually supposed to be like that. If we took a drink every time there was a sentence that was grammatically incorrect (which was almost every one) we’d be drunk by page one. The ones without errors are much more rare. :p It was so hilariously pathetic, which is why the drinking game is like that.

    Btw, second sporking is ready to go. Just waiting for Slyshy or someone to say okay.

    It’s really insane.

  48. CGilga on 6 April 2009, 18:28 said:

    The tags on Amazon are great:

    ‘Poor Writing’
    ‘Self-Published’
    ‘Glorified Fanfiction’
    ‘Trash’
    ‘Cliche’
    ‘Novice’
    ‘Unedited’
    ‘Useless Crap’
    ‘Waste of Paper’

    and the kicker

    ‘Scientology’

  49. Marquis De Carabas on 6 April 2009, 18:38 said:

    Well, the book certainly looks awful.

    Still, good job on the sporking.

  50. Dan Locke on 6 April 2009, 18:45 said:

    @Ari

    Thanks for the corrections, but the first one is actually supposed to be like that. If we took a drink every time there was a sentence that was grammatically incorrect (which was almost every one) we’d be drunk by page one. The ones without errors are much more rare. :p It was so hilariously pathetic, which is why the drinking game is like that.

    Well, I thought that when I first read it, but the actual drinking contradicts that.

  51. Ari on 6 April 2009, 18:50 said:

    How does drinking contradict it? D:

  52. LiquidNitrogen on 6 April 2009, 21:38 said:

    THE AUTHOR
    About Gloria Tesch
    Gloria Tesch was born on April 17,1994 in San Diego, Southern California. Gloria Tesch is a master story teller and she was crafting her tales, characters and places of ‘Maradonia and the Seven Bridges” with extraordinary diligent and talent. Gloria Tesch has the brightness of vision necessary to create sweeping epics and it is the storyteller’s simplicity and

    gift that makes readers love her. Gloria Tesch celebrated her thirteenth Birthday when she presented her first book of the Maradonia Saga,‘Maradonia and the Seven Bridges’.

    The Maradonia – Saga is a Trilogy of three books:

    Maradonia & the Seven Bridges
    Maradonia & the Gold of Ophir
    Maradonia & the Battle for the Key
    Gloria Tesch started writing when she was nearly eleven years old. She wrote short stories, poems and was a frequent visitor at the local library. Sometimes she was reading more than five different books per week. The love for fantasy and fiction inspired her to write the 90 chapter ‘Debut Novel’ – ‘Maradonia and the Seven Bridges’.

    HOME THE AUTHOR THE BOOK PURCHASE NEWSLETTER GALLERY SITE MAP

    She enjoyed from the beginning of her writing career a strong ‘Support Team’.

    “The Maradonia Saga,” Gloria says, “is basically a ‘Family Production’ because my only support team is my family.”
    My mother, Marina Terkulova Tesch, a book illustrator and fine art painter, created the cover pictures and all illustrations.
    My father, Dr. G. Gerry Tesch, a teacher, was helping me with research, concept and background stories. My brother Jonathan delivered a lot of slogans and many good ideas.”

    The Gloria Tesch ‘Maradonia – Saga Trilogy’ is indeed a timeless “Thriller Epic’ and a unique and unforgettable tale of adventures…

    Maradonia & the Seven Bridges
    Presented by: Liberty’s Book Press”

    She can’t even write correctly about herself.

  53. Dan Locke on 6 April 2009, 23:42 said:

    @Ari

    How does drinking contradict it? D:

    The characters drink when they encounter grammar failures.

  54. Ari on 7 April 2009, 01:11 said:

    Lol, “Thriller Epic.” I’m somehow reminded of Michael Jackson.

    The characters drink when they encounter grammar failures.

    Heh, well this book was so bad it mixed us up. Does it really matter?

  55. Morvius on 7 April 2009, 10:02 said:

    Sorry…but what are ellipses?

  56. Ari on 7 April 2009, 10:04 said:

    The little cluster of dots, as so:

    You know, usually when a character drifts off in dialogue or something…you don’t start with them, ever, and you don’t keep using them again and again and again. GT obviously doesn’t know that. D:

  57. Morvius on 7 April 2009, 10:13 said:

    “once got angry with us and threw the mountain,”

    This is evidence that Christopher Paulini reads this book. Remember the part when Eragon was contemplating on how to stop a mountain that is being thrown at him?

  58. Morvius on 7 April 2009, 10:33 said:

    Oh and…apparently she presented the book at the age of 13. That means she began writing it much earlier? It explains the quality though. Looking back at what I wrote at that age…shudders.

  59. Ari on 7 April 2009, 18:05 said:

    Heh, the stuff I wrote at age 11 was total crap. I’m talking Mary-Sues everywhere, full of plot holes plagiarized crap. I mean, I was 11. It’s what you expect. And I learned stuff from writing it. Doesn’t mean I would frickin’ publish it.

  60. Snow White Queen on 7 April 2009, 20:05 said:

    Same here.

    It’s as if people think they are entitled to be published just because they finished a book when they were ten years old.

    You should be published if said book is good and worth reading, but if it’s just because of your age…

  61. WiseWillow on 8 April 2009, 00:42 said:

    Oh my lord, she read FIVE books in a week at the end of eleven?

    Ok, show of hands here, who could do that many in two days with enough impetus?

    Especially during the summer reading program, when they gave out prizes…

  62. Jerk on 8 April 2009, 09:17 said:

    I myself think that’s pretty good for a toddler.

    I don’t know about you guys but I like reading books slowly, so I finish books in a week or so.

  63. peppercake on 8 April 2009, 10:51 said:

    :) Me thinks i’ll buy this book as a present for someone i really hate

  64. Ari on 8 April 2009, 18:28 said:

    I’m just a really fast reader. D: I tear through books pretty violently. New book orders for me are like a big pile of candy, and in two weeks all the books are read.

    But wow….five books a week. I just read five books yesterday. Granted they were Animorphs (don’t laugh, I like them) but I read them. :p

  65. Amelie on 8 April 2009, 20:20 said:

    Ok, so this is a great spork, but as an aside, I would just like to call attention to the fact that the author’s website is simply one gigantic grammar fail. With a(n) (un)healthy side dosage of arrogance and cliche.

  66. Juniper on 8 April 2009, 20:24 said:

    Apparently, she’s hot and, apparently, when you are hot you don’t need anything else to prove yourself. Not even grammar. Or a publisher, for that matter. Apparently. :P

  67. Amelie on 8 April 2009, 20:25 said:

    Oh, oh, and I almost forgot: http://www.maradonia.com/Original_Maradonia_Art.php

    Because I have $2,985 that I want to use to support bad writing!

  68. Marta on 8 April 2009, 20:49 said:

    Liked this article, but would have been a more effective if you didn’t use the ‘imaginary friend’, which grew to be a little annoying over the read.

  69. WiseWillow on 8 April 2009, 21:07 said:

    I remember Animorphs… only read one. Didn’t like them. Now, Nancy Drew- I devoured the originals like they were crack. Of course, I read them again last summer and about stabbed myself in the eye. Nancy Drew is only good when you are 10.

  70. swenson on 19 April 2009, 21:09 said:

    QUICKLY, FETCH EYE-BLEACH! dumps several bottles on her eyes Rats, I still can’t erase the horrible images of that horrible writing off my retinas.. perhaps I need more bleach. I’ll have to buy some later.

    Hmm, well, when I first heard about the sporkage of this book I was like, oh, it’s probably the same old thing where they mock a book and it’s bad, but not too bad. Well, I was wrong. I couldn’t even finish the spork of this book, it was so bad! This… is worse than most fanfics. Because with a fanfic, at least there’s usually a decent plot inspiring it!

  71. Derrick_Mace on 22 June 2009, 16:39 said:

    This is worth many lulz.

    For this glorious moment, I sacrifice ten thousand hippy vegan elves in tribute.

    Sorry.

    I sacrifice ten thousand <i>‘Hippy Vegan Elves, those who are upgraded human beings and come with silver ships.’</i>

  72. Danielle on 7 July 2009, 16:29 said:

    The more I read about this book, the more it bugs me—mostly because she’s obviously a Christian and her book is obviously crap. She sort of reminds me of myself when I was her age. The only difference is that I was fortunate enough to have parents who both encouraged me to write AND encouraged me to keep practicing until I got older.

    Her imagination seems pretty strong so far, even if the images it produces are so cliched they make me weep with horror a bit overused. And I’m glad she wants to use her talents to tell a Christian story, but come ON! Can she make it any more obvious? A few examples….

    “All the powers, principalities and rulers of the air…” Satan is referred to as the “ruler of the air” in the New Testament. She couldn’t get any more obvious that this guy represents Satan than if she called him Natas.
    “Ruach, the King of Light, once got angry with us and threw us over the mountain….” Now, I wasn’t exactly there when God kicked Satan and his minions out of Heaven, but I’m pretty sure Tesch is oversimplifying it a LOT. I don’t think God kicked them out just because he “got angry with them.”
    “The lake turned into blood!” This image stolen from: Red by Ted Dekker. Dekker used it right. Tesch used it wrong.

    And logic fail: Why would Satan King Apollyon allow all of his subjects to “speak freely and openly”? If he was so afraid of losing his power—as most evil dictators are—wouldn’t he place STRONG restrictions on freedom of speech?

  73. Tony on 8 August 2009, 23:25 said:

    A Russian mother, a German father and a home schooled kid with an overinflated ego = 900 pages of undigestable junk. She really should go back to school. Has anyone looked at that website recently??? She is listed as her own friend – go figure…

  74. Danielle on 11 August 2009, 15:23 said:

    Yeah. And she calls herself “extraordinarily dilligent and talented.” I hate the fact that she’s homeschooled; it’s making the rest of us homeschoolers look bad.

  75. Tony on 22 August 2009, 16:40 said:

    Didn’t mean to talk down on homeschoolers!

  76. Danielle on 23 August 2009, 18:47 said:

    I didn’t think you were. I was more bemoaning the fact that several other sporkings I’ve read of this book seem to think that Tesch is a typical homeschooler. My parents loved me enough to tell me to practice more. :)

  77. lizzie on 29 August 2009, 14:51 said:

    And I thought twilight was bad. _

  78. JD on 14 November 2009, 15:10 said:

    The spork is good! Unfortunately Gloria Tesch’s books aren’t. It’s making all teens look bad!!!!
    PS Gloria, if u come on her to make more nasty comments, may i advise u to please edit your work.

  79. Max on 15 November 2009, 12:53 said:

    How do you get the first 40 pages?

  80. Bowser Marzenai on 28 February 2010, 20:59 said:

    You did an amazing job on this sporking. I’m new to fantasy literature, so I’m still developing my taste for it. The deeper I read Maradonia, the more the errors come out. But I can’t even turn my brain off and read this without seeing the errors.

  81. fffan on 13 March 2010, 00:28 said:

    urghgurghgurgh… was this book actually supposed to make sense? I could just feel my i.q points dropping as i went along. you brave soul.

  82. Kloof on 18 April 2010, 13:17 said:

    I am so happy you sporked this XD That book…. It’s just so bad….
    Laughed my brains out :P I hope poor little Gloria Tesch reads this some day.

  83. Shaim on 2 July 2010, 22:44 said:

    I have to admit that the sporking was filled with fun and laugher from my side. It was brilliant.

    The book however, was not. First I would like to assume that Gloria Tesch is spoiled to the point where she doesn’t even understand that her writing is not all that good. I don’t blame her though, she started writing this when she was 10, and when I was this age the stuff I wrote was horrendous (if anything other than poetry; I was rather good with poems).

    One day, Gloria will grow up, she will earn a lot of new experiences and will open this book once again. She will then either laugh or scream in agony from the horor. Eiher way, if she ever decides to write again, she will be forever known as “the girl who wrote that crappy saga about two kids and a whole lot of nothing”, because her books could not be called anything better.

  84. Saku on 6 August 2010, 11:20 said:

    Hey there :D
    I thought this was great, I really lol’d a lot XD
    A good spork the only way to make thsi thing readable, it seems. I hope Gloria will notice that she is not ZOMFG SOOOO ORIGINAL neither that popular she pretends to be…
    BTW, has someone the excerpt at hand? I saved it at open Office, but I lost it |D Please mail it to me, somebody, I’d like to spork it in German X3

  85. Kytescall on 18 August 2010, 08:47 said:

    Holy shit are you serious? This shit is better than Eragon!

  86. Adrian on 23 October 2010, 12:25 said:

    I actually had to sit through a talk/speach by Gloria. Yep, met her in real life. XC Very boring. Anyways, the only thing I’ve read that was worse than this was Heros of Destiny by Kevin Wong.

  87. Danielle on 23 October 2010, 15:08 said:

    Wow, seriously? You had to listen to that girl talk? Who forced you into that torture?

  88. Adrian on 23 October 2010, 19:15 said:

    She came to my school, it was that Great American Teach-In crap. I spent the entire time staring in shock, thinking, OMG why? How do people thing this is GOOD?

  89. Eysiel the Elf on 10 August 2011, 00:33 said:

    Wow. WOW. I’m twelve, almost thirteen, and I write WAY better than that. How did this chick get published? She self-published, right? I’m going to read one of these to see just how bad it is. I liked TWILIGHT better than this…oh, the butchering of commas and quotations and italics… shudders

  90. Nina on 8 February 2012, 18:59 said:

    Her book is riddled with errors. It’s worse the Remember Me! If I was writing that book, I would EASILY have wanted to edit it so many times and not stop. I have OCD when it comes to writing my stories. It HAS to have the PERFECT grammar and spelling. If it’s bad trees die. End.of.STORY. She shouldn’t work as an author. Her work destroys ALL aspects of writing. It truly signifies the end of creativity as well as how fame and fortune affects everyone. She’s arrogant. Simple words for said SIMPLE author. She was NEVER the youngest author she CLAIMS to be!