Strap in people, because we’re about to meet the people who shall be Tookie’s friends! Fear not, for the fail is strong with these chapters.

Chapter Ten: Bou-Big-Tique Nation

(You have no idea how annoying that is to type; every time I went to type it, I typed “Big-Bou-Tique Nation”.)

The De La Crèmes are in disbelief at the Scout’s decision to choose Tookie. Creamy even pushes Myrracle in front of the Scout, but the Scout stays focused on Tookie. As Myrracle tries to grab a list from the Scout’s hand, the Scout jerks away, causing one of her necklaces to hit Myrracle in the face. Creamy protests, but changes her tune immediately as soon as the Scout seems irritated, begging the Scout to choose Myrracle.

Myrracle pointed accusingly at Tookie. “She’s the one you should be smacking! She doesn’t even care about Modelland!”

“Yes I do,” Tookie said softly. “Not that any of you have ever asked.”

And not like the book said that you weren’t interested in Modelland. Oh, wait…

Creamy pushes Tookie off of the car again, but Chris-Crème-Crobat of all people protests—in his mind, it’s good enough that the Scout wants one of their daughters, no matter who it is. Creamy calls him out on his hypocrisy, given what he said about believing that Tookie wasn’t his daughter. Chris-Crème-Crobat tells Tookie not to listen, calling her “Daddy’s special baby girl.” This is followed up by his recurring phrase:

“Just go,” Mr. De La Crème told Tookie. “For all of us.”

Well, on the bright side of these chapters, time to say goodbye to this scumbag!

Tookie isn’t sure whether her father is truly being affectionate towards her, or just likes her now that she has been chosen. We’re told about how Tookie’s face appears on numerous screens all over the world, while girls scream to their mothers about how some ugly girl gets to go to Modelland and they don’t. Remembering Wingtip’s words to her, she takes the Scout’s hand. A fabric pouch forms around her, and the Scout carries her off, with Myrracle screaming on top of the car.

As Tookie is carried off in the Scout’s pouch, she sees a bunch of parties—and then a certain redhead. Tookie screams to Lizzie, fearing that Lizzie might think that Tookie abandoned Exodus (their plan) for Modelland. Lizzie can’t hear Tookie, and runs off into the shadows, to Tookie’s sorrow.

The Scout dives towards the sidewalk, but instead of crashing horribly as Tookie fears, the Scout goes right into the sidewalk, reappearing in some sort of store. Just as Tookie realizes that she is in Bou-Big-Tique Nation, a man over the PA annouces the name of the location. Bou-Big-Tique Nation, as we’re told, is more than just a massive store—people live inside of the store, in large houses on the upper level and motor homes. Since it is in a different time zone, T-DOD is still on in Bou-Big-Tique Nation.

We get some description of a few girls, then we’re told about the Scout looking around. She spots a girl, with a name tag that reads “Dylan”. She’s described as being “shaped like a bottle of Bou-Big-Tique cola”, because all cola bottles are shaped exactly the same. We get some more description of her, along with a little girl asking why she can’t join the walk. And let me give you the first taste of dialogue from Dylan:

“DeeDee, you know you can’t walk today, babycakes. You’re only five years old. Plus, Mama would go cuh-ray-zee on me if she saw you anywhere near that loony-bin farm of desperate chicks.”

…I’m already optimistic about Dylan.

Dylan has the little girl walk around her, while a fight breaks out over a girl claiming that another girl stole her walking style. Dylan goes over to the source of the fight, and we’re told that she “looked graceful and very sexy even as she slid in the oil spill.” She scolds the girls, telling them to stop fighting and get back to walking, despite their ruffled appearances.

“Cuz whoo chile, y’all look cuh-ray-zee.”

The Scout heads over to Dylan, who realizes what the Scout wants from her. Dylan mentions her four brothers and four sisters and how she has to take care of them, but then her mother tells her not to worry and to go. To which Dylan says:

“Maybe a little—or should I say a lot—of some Bou-Big-Tique booty is just what Miss Modelland needs!”

And then she promptly faints.

I hate Dylan already.

The Scout shoves Dylan into the pouch with Tookie, as if the whole “pouch” thing wasn’t awkward enough. Dylan introduces herself and remarks that she finds Tookie’s eyes to be “interestin’.” That’s a good indication that we’re supposed to like Dylan, right? After Tookie introduces herself, the Scout takes off with the pouch.

Chapter Eleven: Shiraz Shiraz

The pouch starts filling up with thick white goo.

After the goo solidifies around them, it cracks open, and Tookie and Dylan fall out of a broken candle. Dylan, being an idiot, asks the Scout if they “for real just pop out of a candle?” The Scout doesn’t give an answer.

It turns out they’ve arrived in the land of candles, judging by how the darkened town is lit by candles. There’s even candles on each house, instead of chimneys. I don’t want to ask how or why. The candles even relight themselves. Tookie realizes where they are: Canne Del Abra, the world’s center of candle-making. After Tookie says this, Dylan asks, “For real for real?” She asks Tookie if she loves fudge, and when Tookie grimaces, Dylan says that she must be “cuh-ray-zee!”

New drinking game (which I shall be playing with ginger ale): a drink for every time Dylan says “for real” or “cuh-ray-zee”. It shall be called the FiveD, short for the Death by Drinking Due to Dylan Derpiness.

The Scout goes off, and Tookie overhears a teenage girl talking. And I’m going to reproduce the arcane language of Labrian, according to Banks, right here:

“Aéï ëì æîï áùáéì ììëú, éååùåüøååî ëì æîï.”

Tookie knows the language, because as we learned in the first chapter, Tookie knows a bunch of languages despite being a chronic class-skipper and having no friends. How convenient, huh?

A petite, muscular girl comes along, singing a song in Labrian. The song translated into English just happens to rhyme and flow properly. What a coincidence! You’d think that the words in English wouldn’t flow so well!

The singing girl gives a dress to the teenage girl, then takes off. The father of the teenage girl calls the singing girl “Shiraz”. Hmm, I wonder if Shiraz will be joining Tookie and Dylan? Dylan remarks on how “that chick is quick”. I’ll try to avoid over-quoting Dylan in future installments, but I really want you all to get a feel for just how much stupidity comes out of Dylan’s mouth.

The Scout swoops down, landing in Shiraz’s path. Shiraz seems unsurprised and quickly realizes that the Scout has come for her, voicing her realization first in Labrian and then in English so the Scout can understand. Extending her hand, the Scout takes Shiraz and shoves her into the pouch with Tookie and Dylan. Shiraz is surprised that Tookie and Dylan have been chosen as well, in poor English. And this prompts an extremely stupid shouting match between Shiraz and Dylan:

“But you two, you are not the beauty exceptional like Shiraz.”

Dylan pursed her lips. “Ex-cuh-yuse ME! You may be all cute and little and can run as fast as an exotic feline in the plains, but hold up a sec, Miss Thang, cuz Miss Modelland, or should I say the Modelland“—Dylan mocked Shiraz—“don’t have girls lookin’ like you up in there either! And besides, you weren’t even tryin’ out, honey! Me and her saw you!”

Shiraz sniffed huffily. “The jealousies in your big body are burning like big dripless candle. I blow you out now.” She puckered her lips and blew in Dylan’s face.

Dylan’s nostrils flared. “Oh no, this little dot-faced thang did NOT just bl—”

Tookie interrupts them, thankfully putting an end to their idiotic attacks on each other. She reminds them that none of them look like typical Modelland girls, speaking in Labrian for Shiraz, and this calms the two girls down. Dylan asks if Tookie has any idea as to why they were chosen, but Tookie is clueless.

Well, that shouldn’t be too surprising.

Chapter Twelve: First Princess of Sans Color

Next thing you know, the Scout and the pouch come out of a woman’s ear. The woman isn’t too pleased about that.

We’re told about a dome-covered, high-tech-looking city in the distance. The Scout flies through the city, and when she arrives at the city square, we’re told about a group of girls, all with white hair and pale, nearly-translucent skin.

Oh no.

Hereditary albinism!

Tookie realizes that they are in SansColor.

“Sans-cuh-what?” Dylan asked.

“Um, SansColor,” Tookie mumbled, unaccustomed to people asking her direct questions.

Because we needed another reminder that a) Tookie is socially-awkward and b) Dylan is a moron.

The albino girls march in various shades of blue, a display that fascinates Tookie. On the other hand, Dylan is less impressed:

“How do they stand out, for goodness’ sakes? It’s the battle of the blands!”

Because we needed to reinforce how Dylan is an insensitive jerk.

Shiraz asks if everyone in SansColor is sick, given that even the birds are albinos. Tookie points out that everyone has hereditary albinism. The people of SansColor are heard making strange popping and sucking sounds, which is actually their language, Colorian, which Tookie also happens to understand.

A woman on a throne—the prime minister of SansColor—makes an announcement about how a girl chosen from Modelland could make a good ambassador, and that the Scout can choose whoever she wishes as long as she guarantees their safety.

A tall, bored-looking albino girl steps out from behind the throne. We get a comment about how the people in SansColor are supposed to be extremely intelligent, which I’m now wondering if it is a stereotype of albino people.

The Scout lands in front of the bored-looking girl. The prime minister says that they cannot take the girl, but the girl— “Piper, First Princess of SansColor” (no space)—tells the Scout not to listen to her “ridiculous mother the queen” and accepts the invitation to Modelland.

Piper gets stuffed in the pouch, and the Scout flies off, being fired upon by the SansColor soldiers. The pouch falls into a ruined concrete jungle, where thousands of spears wielded by “demonic yellow-eyed jungle inhabitants” start pointing towards the pouch.

One wrong move and the pouch would be ripped to shreds.

I suppose that this is a perfect cliffhanger to leave Tookie and her new soon-to-be-friends! (Oh, who am I kidding? Like anyone really thinks something bad will happen to them.) What lies in store for these four unusual new models? What will they discover within Modelland? What kind of stupid stuff will come out of Dylan’s mouth next?

Join us next time for the next two chapters, where we learn the answer to a question that’s been popping up throughout the book so far and finally arrive at Modelland!

Tagged as:

Comment

  1. Brendan Rizzo on 18 February 2013, 14:11 said:

    Lizzie can’t hear Tookie, and runs off into the shadows, to Tookie’s sorrow.

    I bet Lizzie will show up again as an antagonist. What a shame.

    She spots a girl, with a name tag that reads “Dylan”.

    I bet the name “Dylan” is going to go the way of “Ashley” thanks to this book.

    “looked graceful and very sexy even as she slid in the oil spill.”

    Clearly the word “graceful” has completely changed its meaning from what it originally meant.

    “Cuz whoo chile, y’all look cuh-ray-zee.”

    Oh God. Oh God. Th-this can’t be happening. Dylan reminds me of Snooki. * scare chord *

    “Aéï ëì æîï áùáéì ììëú, éååùåüøååî ëì æîï.”

    Looks like Faroese to me. (Not that I’d know what’s being said.) Which raises the question of why the girl from Canne Del Abra is named Shiraz. From the looks of it, the “Labrian” language has no consonants at all, so why does the Labrian girl’s name have them? From the perspective of her countrymen, she should be an eldritch abomination whose name cannot be pronounced by their tongues.

    The people of SansColor are heard making strange popping and sucking sounds, which is actually their language, Colorian, which Tookie also happens to understand.

    How many languages does this chick know? My Sue-dometer is acting up again.

    The Scout lands in front of the bored-looking girl. The prime minister says that they cannot take the girl, but the girl— “Piper, First Princess of SansColor” (no space)—tells the Scout not to listen to her “ridiculous mother the queen” and accepts the invitation to Modelland.

    So, is she a prime minister or a queen? Something tells me that Ms. Banks has no knowledge of countries outside the United States.

    The pouch falls into a ruined concrete jungle, where thousands of spears wielded by “demonic yellow-eyed jungle inhabitants” start pointing towards the pouch.

    And this totally isn’t racist at all! * Derpface *

    The worst part about this is that we are shown a bunch of strange countries, but something tells me that we will never be exposed to any logical worldbuilding in this book.

  2. swenson on 18 February 2013, 14:27 said:

    I know we’re all big fantasy fans here and love our elaborate worldbuilding. And I know sometimes maybe we should just abandon silly concepts of realism as it applies to a place where real, live magic and fairies and werewolves and elves exist. But there is still a difference between light, deliberately shallow, don’t-examine-this-too-closely worldbuilding (like in the Wizard of Oz) and bad worldbuilding. Thus far, I’m just not impressed.

    I can’t really pin down what, exactly, is the difference between having a country of albinos named SansColor where everyone is brilliant and having a country called The Dominion of the Nome King where everyone is terrified of eggs, but there is a difference. Possibly it’s simply that I feel Modelland is supposed to be taken at least a little bit seriously, which is simply impossible.

    Also, the day Tyra Banks discovered the Character Map on her computer was probably the best day of her life. I suppose it’s technically possible that a language could exist that was mostly vowels, but you’d need a consonant here and there at least. And I find it… interesting that not only does Shiraz’s name have consonants in it, there are also no diacritics, as opposed to the quotation in Labrian where only two characters are without diacritics. (A and æ)

  3. Fireshark on 18 February 2013, 14:42 said:

    “Aéï ëì æîï áùáéì ììëú, éååùåüøååî ëì æîï.”

    This language has been removed due to a copyright claim by Christopher Paolini. Sorry about that.

  4. Asahel on 18 February 2013, 14:53 said:

    Dylan is five years old and gets chosen as a model? I honestly don’t even know where to begin with that. Or where to end. Or anything that goes in the middle. Do you see what you’ve done, Ms. Banks?! You’ve made something incomprehensibly stupid on all possible levels!

  5. Asahel on 18 February 2013, 14:55 said:

    Oh, and hey, is it just me or did anyone else see this:

    “Aéï ëì æîï áùáéì ììëú, éååùåüøååî ëì æîï.”

    and hear incomprehensible Arnold Schwarzenegger-style yelling?

    Also:

    This language has been removed due to a copyright claim by Christopher Paolini. Sorry about that.

    Haha, nice!

  6. lilyWhite on 18 February 2013, 15:21 said:

    How many languages does this chick know? My Sue-dometer is acting up again.

    To quote the first chapter:

    By the age of eleven, Tookie knew twenty-eight world languages. Now, at fifteen, she spoke nearly every world tongue.

    So your Sue-dometer is in working shape.

    So, is she a prime minister or a queen?

    It is explained in a later chapter that it’s an elected government, but Piper merely calls her mother a “queen” because it annoys her.

    Just wait until we find out why Piper hates her mother…

    Dylan is five years old and gets chosen as a model?

    The five-year-old isn’t Dylan, but DeeDee, who Dylan is talking to. Presumably, DeeDee is one of Dylan’s four sisters.

  7. swenson on 18 February 2013, 15:23 said:

    This language has been removed due to a copyright claim by Christopher Paolini

    Nah, it’s not enough like Old Norse.

  8. swenson on 18 February 2013, 15:31 said:

    Oooh, something else: this has little to do with this story, but in looking up Tookie’s incredible language skills, I read some neat stuff about hyperpolyglots, people who know over 6 languages. There’s an EU translator who can speak 32 (primarily Indo-European, but some from other language families as well). There was also an Italian cardinal in the 1700s/1800s who spoke at least 29, possibly 37 total. That’s just plain cool.

  9. Brendan Rizzo on 18 February 2013, 15:35 said:

    This language has been removed due to a copyright claim by Christopher Paolini. Sorry about that.

    Actually, it has the opposite problem. Paolini’s languages are a bunch of consonants without enough vowels. This language is a bunch of vowels without any consonants.

  10. Finn on 18 February 2013, 15:37 said:

    Dylan is five years old and gets chosen as a model?

    I was confused about this at first too, but actually the five year old is Dylan’s little sister (?) DeeDee. Thankfully, I don’t think Modelland is popular enough for people to start copying the names out of it.
  11. ScarletSpecter on 18 February 2013, 15:51 said:

    Dylan is five years old and gets chosen as a model?

    No, I think it was that, Dylan was with a five-year-old, her little sister, DeeDee. That confusion can be owed to Tyra’s horrible grammar.

    And speaking of horrible…really Banks? Really? Think of every offensive stereotype. Think of every group this woman is representing in this book, and then weep. So just a list: 1) Dylan; the plus-sized model who is clearly black. I don’t don’t have be told that she’s black, it’s just that blatant and offensive in how the venacular litters her dialogue with about as much subtle dignity as an elephant trying to tap-dance. 2) Hereditary Albinism and the fact that, once again, albinos are being subjected to the ignorance of no-nothing hacks, 3) Foreigners, and 4) Yellow Eyed savages…I think Ms. Foyt just met her match on this one.

    Seriously, how could an African American woman, who’s claimed to be the target of racism, herself, be so completely clueless in her portrayal of other nations and ethnic groups? How could she possibly believe any of this is even remotely charming or quirky? I’m absolutely floored. Way to go, Banks. Any pity respect I had left for you just flew out the window along with what little narrative comprehension there was to begin with.

    Really, I thought “sparkling vampires” was the most stupid original idea of I’ve ever heard, but Modelland really is a incomprehensible animal in its own right.

  12. lilyWhite on 18 February 2013, 15:55 said:

    Think of every group this woman is representing in this book, and then weep.

    After all, this is the book where every single girl in the world wants to be a piece of eye candy. Guys, on the other hand, don’t seem to have the same obsession.

    Modelland is filled to the brim with unfortunate implications, and we haven’t even gotten to what I consider to be the most revolting part of this book.

  13. Asahel on 18 February 2013, 15:59 said:

    The five-year-old isn’t Dylan, but DeeDee, who Dylan is talking to. Presumably, DeeDee is one of Dylan’s four sisters.

    I was confused about this at first too, but actually the five year old is Dylan’s little sister (?) DeeDee.

    No, I think it was that, Dylan was with a five-year-old, her little sister, DeeDee. That confusion can be owed to Tyra’s horrible grammar.

    Ah, ok, I see it now. That’s a bit better. The rest is still atrocious, but at least we don’t have a 5 year old model.

  14. Fireshark on 18 February 2013, 16:05 said:

    Paolini’s languages are a bunch of consonants without enough vowels. This language is a bunch of vowels without any consonants.

    I was referencing all his unusual punctuation, rather than saying he uses too many vowels. In Paolini’s languages, I’ve seen û, â, ë, á, ï, ö, í, ä, and probably some others that I’ve forgotten.

  15. Tim on 18 February 2013, 17:40 said:

    Canne Del Abra, the world’s center of candle-making.

    What does that have to do with being a model?

    I can’t really pin down what, exactly, is the difference between having a country of albinos named SansColor where everyone is brilliant and having a country called The Dominion of the Nome King where everyone is terrified of eggs, but there is a difference.

    There’s actual physical reasons the first wouldn’t happen, while the second is weird but doesn’t fire any part of your brain that says “that doesn’t make sense.” The human mind isn’t bothered by the impossible, but does not like the improbable. It’s the same reason you wouldn’t mind it if Lord Bastardius teleported an antimatter bomb into his wall safe to kill the hero, but you would cry foul if the hero solved this problem by guessing the combination.

    Actually, it has the opposite problem. Paolini’s languages are a bunch of consonants without enough vowels. This language is a bunch of vowels without any consonants.

    Well, it’s more a bunch of accept marks without any sense.

    Seriously, how could an African American woman, who’s claimed to be the target of racism, herself, be so completely clueless in her portrayal of other nations and ethnic groups?

    Well come on, it’s not like minorities have some kind of hive mind that prevents them being insensitive to one another.

  16. Taku on 18 February 2013, 18:14 said:

    Chapter Eleven: Shiraz Shiraz

    In memory of the two bottles she had to have drunk before writing this.

    The human mind isn’t bothered by the impossible, but does not like the improbable.

    This. Completely and entirely this.

    Well come on, it’s not like minorities have some kind of hive mind that prevents them being insensitive to one another.

    Also this. If anything, minority groups are often (but not always) more insensitive toward other different minorities. At best they simply play Oppression Olympics, at worst they attempt to fit in with the majority but aligning one set of values (i.e. mutual hatred of a third group) with it.

    Paolini’s languages are a bunch of consonants without enough vowels. This language is a bunch of vowels without any consonants.

    I was referencing all his unusual punctuation, rather than saying he uses too many vowels. In Paolini’s languages, I’ve seen û, â, ë, á, ï, ö, í, ä, and probably some others that I’ve forgotten.

    Don’t forget the single lone ø, used once in a city name and then never again.

    Hey, at least his rebel kingdom wasn’t called §úȓđą.

  17. Tim on 18 February 2013, 18:23 said:

    I always find “how can a black person think that about other black people” is the equivalent of “you’re a white man, how can you possibly disagree with Hitler?”

  18. ScarletSpecter on 18 February 2013, 18:38 said:

    Well come on, it’s not like minorities have some kind of hive mind that prevents them being insensitive to one another.

    Well, yeah, you’ve got a point there. In fact, that’s probably the understatement of the year. But, really, as a black person, I’m just floored that after years of black people in media mostly being relegated to gross stereotypes, the obligatory ethnic pal of a white lead, or just being absent completely, she doesn’t have the mind to portray a fellow black person as more than a caricature.

    And, honestly, this isn’t just a racial thing. It’s more of a disservice to what could’ve been a compelling character. The fact that she’s both black and plus-sized makes that loss all the more painful. So, instead of a fun, likeable character, we have Ms. Ghetto-Trash. Maybe this wouldn’t have been so bad if it’d been intentional. But, something tells me that Tyra probably meant Dylan’s jive-turkey antics to be “endearing”.

    Tyra’s human so naturally she makes mistakes. However, in her mind, humans are apparently cut-and-dry, textbook stereotypes void of any real nuance or passion to make them…well…human. But, given the premise of the novel, this an inevitability.

  19. swenson on 18 February 2013, 22:15 said:

    The human mind isn’t bothered by the impossible, but does not like the improbable.

    That’s a really good point, actually. Perhaps, then, it isn’t quite loony enough. Or, well, it’s simply not charming. The Nome King is charming, if rather creepy. SansColor is just kind of weird.

  20. Prince O' Tea on 18 February 2013, 22:21 said:

    Tumblr Social Justice Sallies. Ugh. The less said about self-indulgent slactavism, foul-mouthed temper tantrums instead of discussion, legitimate problems being reduced to meaningless buzzwords, rampant hypocrisy and Oppression Olympics the better. I just want to knock all the chips off these people’s shoulders, sweep them into some squidgy bread and make myself a nice big chip butty. I just want to look at pretty fanart!

  21. BlackStar on 19 February 2013, 01:18 said:

    Was Dylan explicitly stated to be black? Or are we assuming that she is because of the way she talks?

  22. Tim on 19 February 2013, 04:58 said:

    Was Dylan explicitly stated to be black? Or are we assuming that she is because of the way she talks?

    Dylan is one of three things:

    1. A ludicrously stereotypical black woman.
    2. A woman of some other race acting like a ludicrously stereotypical black woman.
    3. A ludicrously stereotyped homosexual man.

    Of these 1 is probably the safest bet and also the least bad.

  23. Tim on 19 February 2013, 05:08 said:

    Tyra’s human so naturally she makes mistakes. However, in her mind, humans are apparently cut-and-dry, textbook stereotypes void of any real nuance or passion to make them…well…human.

    Having seen that writeup on her behaviour in America’s Top Model, I kind of appreciate how hard it is trying to write about reality when your career surrounds you with people so fake they couldn’t pass themselves for Body Snatcher pod-people. Not really an excuse, but when your reality is unreality I can see how you’d end up writing actual humans like you’d only ever viewed them through a telescope.

  24. Prince O' Tea on 19 February 2013, 08:38 said:

    Enter Tyra with long unclipped nails and shoeboxes on her feet: Hello models, I’ve designed a new plane. I call it the Spruce Moose. It will carry 200 passengers from New York’s Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in under 17 minutes!”
    Random girl: “That’s quite a nice model, ma’am.”
    Tyra: “Model? Ma’am?!?!”

    Later:
    “We have a new assignment in London! We’ll take the Spruce Moose!”
    When the models and staff look at her in astonishment, Tyra pulls out a gun on the assembly and snarls: “I said: hop in.”

  25. lilyWhite on 19 February 2013, 09:00 said:

    Was Dylan explicitly stated to be black? Or are we assuming that she is because of the way she talks?

    Dylan’s skin colour isn’t explicitly stated in the book.

  26. Betty Cross on 21 February 2013, 07:41 said:

    This is all so unbearably stupid, I have to believe Tyra Banks believes she writing some kind of parody or spoof of modeling.