Chapter Nine: Bzzz

All of the girls start walking to the music of T-DOD, heading down invisible walkways. We learn that while violence isn’t encouraged, it isn’t condemned either. Shortly after we’re told this, fighting and hysterics break out as girls trip over each other, rip each others’ dresses, and even fall onto the De La Crèmes’ tent.

Two girls got into a fight at the end of their makeshift catwalk, rolling to the ground. “Kenya, use the Gyaku Zuki move!” her mother screamed. “Reverse-punch the hairy hag! But watch your hair, sweetie!”

Gyaku Zuki move — Down, down-forward, forward, away, strong punch

That hairy hag naturally happens to be Abigail Goode, still unshaved and still toting the DOWN WITH RAZORS! sign. Tookie is surprised that even Abigail is competing in T-DOD.

Well, isn’t it nice that Abigail is happy with her own body image?

Abigail isn’t the only unusual walker: there’s also an old man on a power scooter, two homeless women in trash bags and sweat suits, and a bunch of drunk boys.

The rest of the De La Crèmes give words of encouragement to Myrracle, telling her to “‘Dance in your spirit, but not with your body.’” Myrracle starts walking, and her mother threatens her with physical harm if Myrracle sways too much. When she reaches the end of her imaginary catwalk, Myrracle comes face-to-face with Abigail Goode, whom she promptly shoves out of the way, causing Abigail to hit her head on the old man’s scooter and lose consciousness.

You always have to be careful for old people in scooters and random field hockey sticks in Metopia.

As Myrracle continues walking, Tookie hears the voice of Theophilus Lovelaces, who asks if Tookie isn’t participating.

Tookie opened her mouth but couldn’t speak. She was dying to say, Really? Me? Have you lost your mind? But instead a cross between a yelp, a sneeze, and a burp came out.

And this is why you have no friends except for Lizzie, Tookie.

Theophilus says that he thinks T-DOD is crazy, and we get a mention of Zarpessa Zarionneaux walking over an open manhole which has already claimed three girls. Metopia, the stupidest country in the world. Tookie makes a remark about trash, which Theophilus almost catches onto. He asks her her name, but before Tookie can tell her, Zarpessa calls for him and he hurries away “toward his beloved.” Well, at least the book acknowledges that he’s in a relationship with someone else.

Suddenly, the sun and clouds vanish in a yellow flash. Someone shouts “‘The Scouts!’” A nearby lamppost turns into one of these Scouts, who takes the hand of a girl and vanishes without a word. The girl’s mother promptly hugs the lamppost, which has reappeared where the Scout had appeared. Another Scout emerges from an asteroid that smashes into the ground. The girl she chooses seems hesistant of being chosen, so other girls start telling the Scout to pick them instead, but the Scout disappears with her original pick after the girl’s mother tells the Scout that she doesn’t have any money to feed the girl.

Next comes one of the homeless women’s carts going out of control and falling over, spawning a third Scout. The mother of the girl this Scout chooses cheers at first, but has “the tiniest look of disappointment on [her] face” as the Scout and her daughter disappear.

All the while, Mayor Rump announces the time left for T-DOD, which is steadily ticking away. Chris-Crème-Crobat tells Tookie to join him and Brian on the top of a blinged-out low-rider. Creamy looks worried, but believes that Myrracle will be chosen.

Then, Tookie feels a vibration at her feet, accompanied by the sound of “Bzzz.” Well, I guess that explains the chapter title. Gee, I wonder what’s going to happen?

With more “Bzzz“s, the roof of the low-rider turns into a layer of fabric. Creamy realizes that it must be a Scout appearing, and calls for Myrracle to hurry over. Many girls start to form a circle around the low-rider, trying to get the Scout’s attention. Tookie notices Theophilus with an amused look, staring at Tookie. Creamy tells her to get off of the car, but Tookie sees no way to get off with all of the girls surrounding the car. Instead, she helps Myrracle up onto the hood of the low-rider. Myrracle promptly pushes Tookie over, almost knocking her off of the car.

“I’m here!” Myrracle cried. She stood in the center of the hood, hands in the air, her chin thrust high. “Da-tahhhh!”

Creamy screams at Tookie to move, but Tookie wants to watch. The fabric splits in the middle, sending Myrracle flying off of the car. Hmm, I wonder where this is going…

Creamy and Chris-Crème-Crobat push Myrracle back up onto the hood, just in time for the Scout to appear. Fireworks in the sky show the time of T-DOD counting down, slowly drawing towards zero. With Tookie and Myrracle marvelling at the beauty of the Scout, the De La Crème parents gush with excitement of the Scout taking their daughter.

And then the Scout reached out her long, slender, radiantly decorated hand and beckoned.

For Tookie.

Who did not see that one coming?

Next time on Modelland, a three-chapter bonanza where we travel to Bou-Big-Tique Nation, Canne Del Abra, and SansColor to meet the three twits who will become Tookie’s friends. Trust me, these chapters shall be…“cuh-ray-zee!”

Let this video set the mood for the next installment.

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  1. swenson on 13 February 2013, 18:08 said:

    Are we not all shocked now! I am totally shocked! I am just floored with shock! Oh my!

  2. Brendan Rizzo on 13 February 2013, 18:09 said:

    We learn that while violence isn’t encouraged, it isn’t condemned either. Shortly after we’re told this, fighting and hysterics break out as girls trip over each other, rip each others’ dresses, and even fall onto the De La Crèmes’ tent.

    All right, this is definitely satire.

  3. Prince O' Tea on 13 February 2013, 19:35 said:

    That Tyra. Master of the Twist.

  4. Taku on 13 February 2013, 20:00 said:

    Better than Chubby Checker.


  5. Asahel on 13 February 2013, 20:08 said:

    there’s also an old man on a power scooter, <snip> and a bunch of drunk boys.

    Since there were a bunch of underage girls getting nude in the area, does anyone else think these just might be perverts?

  6. lilyWhite on 13 February 2013, 20:16 said:

    I am just floored with shock!

    Did you fall on your Rump? (I had thought of making “butt” gags, but decided against it. Then again, it’s not like I’ll get to say “Chris-Crème-Crobat” for much longer… (sadface))

  7. Prince O' Tea on 13 February 2013, 20:22 said:

    Good. As fun as his name is, he’s a douche. I hope Agatha or Koga puts him back in his pokeball.