It’s time, people, to reveal the answer to a question that I’m sure has been eating at you from ever since the prologue.

Chapter Six: Stunning, Statuesque, Strobotronic Stars with Stupefying Stratospheric Struts

Yes, that is what “7Seven” stands for. And according to my computer’s dictionary, “strobotronic” isn’t a word.

To help you get your mind off of that, let’s turn to our dahling narrator dishing about LaDorno, “the most desirable quadrant in all of Metopia.” The temperature is always pleasant, the humidity is low, and the air is clean. However, to get in, the quadrant’s council will probe through your bank accounts, interview every person you interact with, and check your belongings for any knockoffs or less-than-perfect-pedigree pets. Except for one group of people:

I’m sure you’ve guessed it by now, but let me clue you in: the names of these sacred souls begin with I and end with -ella. And guess what.

We’re just about to sneak a peek at a few of them.

7Seven of them, to be exact.

7(7) = 49. So there’s forty-nine of these people?

We then go to the De La Crème ladies arriving at the Sapphire Esplanada, the premier mall of LaDorno. Tookie thinks about how Myrracle “was so beautiful it was difficult to look at her for too long”, her mother’s “tanned-skinned, nubile body [with] the face of a pretty monster”, and how she herself is a “gangly girl with gargantuan hair and googly, mismatched eyes.” She thinks of it as all of her parents’ subpar DNA going to her.

The Esplanade is full of The Day of Discovery stuff. As the De La Crème ladies enter, Tookie takes a deep whiff of the smells in the mall and thinks about how she’d prefer to sample barbeque sauces rather than dress shopping with Creamy and Myrracle. She has a bit of an eccentric thing for condiments (her cooler in the first chapter was stocked mostly with condiments).

The De La Crème ladies head up to the top floor to the Jurk store, with dresses designed by Jeremy Jurk. Incidentially, everyone in the store is acting like jurks. After a scene of a girl and her mother who have different opinions on the perfect dress, Tookie feels some longing towards “Normal mothers helping their normal, single-color-eyed daughters.”

Myrracle and Creamy looks for dresses, while Tookie tries to be helpful. Creamy eventually decides on a nude-coloured strapless gown for Myrracle, and despite it having a “Vintage” label, decides that it is perfect.

After they leave the Jurk store, they come upon vendors selling souvenirs for T-DOD. One vendor is selling stuff with the “WHERE THE HELL IS Ci~L?” slogan, and here we get a bit of exposition about Ci~L: green eyes, only Intoxibella to be on the cover of Modelland magazine every month for one year, had contracts with the six top cosmetic brands, had been the only model one season for LaDorno fashion week.

Tookie turns down a souvenir from the vendor, then notices a familiar man she had seen walking home from school. Tookie thinks of him as “Wingtip” because he holds onto the laces of an enormous wingtip shoe slung over his shoulder. He looks at Tookie, and Creamy tells Tookie off for making eye contact with the “demented”. Tookie finds the fact that Wingtip talks to himself a little off-putting, despite how Lizzie does the same at times.

Then Wingtip speaks to her, asking if she is alright. Before she can answer, a loud boom sounds and a heavy wind causes Tookie’s hair to explode. She looks up and sees golden clouds, followed by the fog around the mountain in the center of the town clearing. A glowing eye with a SMIZE appears over the mountain, with smoke spelling out the word “Modelland”.

As everyone stops to watch, a “Gowdee’an-accented voice” speaks from the sky. The voice belongs to the BellaDonna, the ruler of Modelland.

BellaDonna reveals that The Day of Discovery is coming soon, and presents the 7Seven:

“As you all know, only seven girls graduate from Modelland each year, and those talented seven join the ranks of the only famous people, known throughout the world. The Intoxibellas.”

The voice grew louder and louder. “Without further ado, I present the Stunning, Statuesque, Strobotronic Stars with Stupefying Stratospheric Struts! The 7Seven! Please worship them as the Intoxibellas they have now become!”

An image of a copper-haired girl appears, along with an explanation of the Sentura: a belt made of gold fabric that allegedly lets Intoxibellas use their powers.

We’re going to get a presentation of the 7Seven now, and while there is a lot of quote-worthy material here, I don’t want to go overboard. So I will describe each of the 7Seven and their power, quoting the most amusing parts.

And I assure you all that all of these spellings are exactly as they appear in the book.

The copper-haired girl is named Evanjalinda, and her power is Chameeleoné. Evanjalinda’s hair colour and physical appearance rapidly changes before the people.

“If I had her, I’d have a different girl every night!” a man next to Tookie cried. “I could stop cheating!”

Then comes Simone, who has the power of Multiplicity. Which makes copies of herself. Ooh-la-la. Poor Simone, she easily has the most lackluster power. Although if I were her, I wouldn’t have a problem with that.

Next up is Bev Jo. The description of her power merits a quoting:

“Bev Jo’s power? ThirtyNever. When Bev Jo ages to twenty-nine, she will begin her next year looking again like she is seventeen until she reaches twenty-nine again. That cycle will continue until she perishes!”

Because the moment a girl enters the third decade of her life, she is unattractive and undesirable.

Intoxibella #4 is Leemora, with the power of Excite-to-Buy. Yes, Leemora is the ultimate object for marketing. Everyone in the crowd suddenly wants to buy stuff, including Tookie, who wants some CheveuxMal.

The fifth girl is Sinndeesi who has the power of…wait for it…Seeduksheeon!

…as one of those weird people who finds the idea of magical seduction fascinating, please excuse me while I slam my face into a table several times.

…all right, all better.

Anyway, the guys in the crowd all start staring.

“I’m ready to sin with Sinndeesi, right here, right now!” one of them yelled.

Next comes Katoocha, who is mentioned to be wearing a quite unfashionable outfit. This ties into her power, SixxSensa. Along with enhanced normal senses, Katoocha also has the power to see into the future of fashion—the outfit she is wearing will be all the rage next year.

“Wow,” Tookie murmured. She wouldn’t have minded having all those powers.

Hey, remember in the beginning of the story when we were told that Tookie was the only girl in the world who didn’t want to go to Modelland?

Finally, we come to the last 7Seven. The BellaDonna states that once again, Modelland did not graduate a Triple7—an Intoxibella with all seven powers. (Where exactly does the “Triple” part come in?) And this Intoxibella is special, because the BellaDonna reveals her power, Teleportaling, before her name: Exodus.

Tookie shot up. Exodus? Was that a sign?

Maybe it is, Tookie. It just might be, considering how: a) you remarking on how it might be a sign is a pretty clear indication that the reader should wonder if it’s a sign; and b) whereas the rest of the 7Seven’s powers were related to modelling and fashion, Teleportaling has nothing to do with modelling.

Exodus falls into a hole that quickly disappears, prompting Myrracle to remark:

“Creamy, she banished right before our eyes!”

Derp.

The ground splits in front of Tookie, and out comes Exodus, who asks Tookie her name. Before Tookie can answer, Myrracle steps in front of her and introduces herself. Exodus leaves without another word, followed by a final proclamation from the BellaDonna:

“Every. Girl. In. The. World. Has. The. Power. Within. Her. To. Become. A. 7. Seven. Is. It. You?”

Well. What. About. All. Of. The. Ugly. Girls? And. It. Is. Annoying. Is. It. To. Talk. Like. This.

I need a break, I need to get away from all of this stupidity. Please book, have mercy on me!

Then Tookie sees someone in familiar attire. Could it be…?

It’s Lizzie! (jumps for joy)

Tookie hurries over to Lizzie, whose body is twitching and whose eyes are rolling back. We get a remark on how unusual it is for Lizzie to be in such a crowded public place.

Lizzie talks about someone taking “her” and pouring liquid metal into “her” veins. She then reveals her feet, disfigured and covered with incisions. Tookie wants to bring Lizzie to a hospital, but Lizzie refuses, saying that they’ll kill her and that there’s another option she wants: Exodus, tomorrow.

Before Tookie can answer, she hears her mother calling for her. In the time that she looks towards Creamy and looks back, Lizzie has vanished. Tookie cries, realizing how dire the situation must be if Lizzie had dared to come into such a place.

And then Wingtip asks her if she is alright again. Tookie insists that she’s fine and that she’s not supposed to talk to him, then asks why he talks to himself.

But Wingtip didn’t look bothered. “Little lady, when your world has been ripped right from under you, you tend to not trust much of what anybody says. Anybody but yourself, that is. And I do a good job of keeping myself company.”

Tookie admits that she speaks to herself as well, and Wingtip says it’ll keep her from going crazy. Wingtip encourages her, tells her to go for her dreams, before leaving. Once he’s gone, Creamy shows up, yelling at Tookie for dropping Myrracle’s dress. Although she would have otherwise backed down from Creamy, she doesn’t, remembering the plan for Exodus and Wingtip’s words:

Everyone’s entitled to dream, you know. Even you.

Despite the stupidness of the 7Seven presentation, this chapter isn’t all that bad. We actually have Tookie motivated to work towards a goal, rather than doing nothing and whining all the time. We get a bit of foreshadowing and intrigue from Exodus the Intoxibella and Wingtip. And best of all, more Lizzie!

And we’ll soon get to see how Tookie and Lizzie’s plan plays out in the next chapter, X-O-2.

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Comment

  1. Betty Cross on 6 February 2013, 17:55 said:

    I find it hard to care about any of this. It just all sounds so unbelievably silly.

  2. Pryotra on 6 February 2013, 18:03 said:

    …Why is it that when I’m reading this, all I can think of is that this must be some kind of…naked run for Banks?

    I mean, she’s making this world where she would have been adored by all, worshiped as a goddess, and everyone who said that they weren’t interested in you was just a jealous hater. It just sounds like self-indulgence to me.

  3. Brendan Rizzo on 6 February 2013, 18:10 said:

    My thoughts:

    Stunning, Statuesque, Strobotronic Stars with Stupefying Stratospheric Struts

    One fat hen, a couple of ducks, three baby brown bears, four rapid-running hares, five fat fidgety froggies, six simple Simons selling salt in Siam, seven salty sailors sipping soup…

    However, to get in, the quadrant’s council will probe through your bank accounts, interview every person you interact with, and check your belongings for any knockoffs or less-than-perfect-pedigree pets.

    I’m beginning to think that maybe this is a satire. It makes more sense that way, and the fact that there is a fashion designer named Jeremy Jurk also supports my interpretation.

    Tookie feels some longing towards “Normal mothers helping their normal, single-color-eyed daughters.”

    Her irises are different colors? When did this happen? Her Sue traits are beginning to manifest.

    “If I had her, I’d have a different girl every night!” a man next to Tookie cried. “I could stop cheating!”

    Really? Really. As a man, I am offended.

    “Bev Jo’s power? ThirtyNever. When Bev Jo ages to twenty-nine, she will begin her next year looking again like she is seventeen until she reaches twenty-nine again. That cycle will continue until she perishes!”

    Now, if this power actually reversed aging and made the possessor immortal, that might actually be cool. But as described, that does not seem to be the case. Tyra Banks doesn’t seem to know much about how the human body works, does she.

    Seeduksheeon

    Are creative misspellings really that popular in the fashion industry?

    “I’m ready to sin with Sinndeesi, right here, right now!” one of them yelled.

    Clearly Ms. Banks thinks that All Men Are Perverts.

    Hey, remember in the beginning of the story when we were told that Tookie was the only girl in the world who didn’t want to go to Modelland?

    Say, if that’s true, then wouldn’t Lizzie want to go to Modelland? That’s another inconsistency, if I’m not mistaken.

    Tookie hurries over to Lizzie, whose body is twitching and whose eyes are rolling back.

    Oh my God, she’s having a seizure!

  4. Prince O' Tea on 6 February 2013, 18:23 said:

    Jesus christ, and I thought the Selection murdered the crappy YA dystopia genre and pissed all over its corpse. This is a whole new level of cray cray. Is Tyra honestly taking this seriously, or is she writing every word with a massive troll grin on her face?

  5. lilyWhite on 6 February 2013, 18:26 said:

    Her irises are different colors? When did this happen?

    It’s stated in the massive-yet-lacking description dump of Tookie in the first chapter.

  6. Soupnazi on 6 February 2013, 18:27 said:

    Stunning, Statuesque, Strobotronic Stars with Stupefying Stratospheric Struts

    This made me laugh way more than it has any right to.

    “If I had her, I’d have a different girl every night!” a man next to Tookie cried. “I could stop cheating!”

    Uh, seriously, is this book a comedy? It reads like a comedy.

    Seeduksheeo

    PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS A COMEDY.

  7. lilyWhite on 6 February 2013, 18:34 said:

    It does tries to be funny and quirky. To be fair, there are some parts that do bring a smile to my face or make me laugh.

    One of the problems with Modelland is that it skirts the line between “quirky”/“amusingly bizarre” and “stupid” a lot, and all too often it ends up on the wrong side of that line.

  8. ScarletSpecter on 6 February 2013, 18:53 said:

    God, I hate Gimmick-Worlds. Really, Banks honestly wants us to buy into an entire society founded on “modelling” and silly sparkle-sparkle-shimmer-shimmer names? Ugh, it sounds like something straight out of those horrid Nintendo cartoons from the 80s.

  9. Betty Cross on 6 February 2013, 19:23 said:

    God, I hate Gimmick-Worlds. Really, Banks honestly wants us to buy into an entire society founded on “modelling” and silly sparkle-sparkle-shimmer-shimmer names? Ugh, it sounds like something straight out of those horrid Nintendo cartoons from the 80s.

    Either it’s a satire or Tyra Banks needs her meds adjusted.

  10. Prince O' Tea on 6 February 2013, 19:24 said:

    It tries too hard to seem “quirky” with the names. Starting with Madonna and her characters (who have names like Taffy and Tricky and Miss Fluffernutter), every celebrity seems to think they can poop out names that would have Dr Seuss bite his tongue in half out of envy.

  11. Tim on 6 February 2013, 19:44 said:

    The “different girl every night” followed by the one who can turn into multiple girls at once sounds like the setup to a joke. A bit like that one where Adam excitely takes the ability to pee while standing up as soon as God offers it and He turns and tells Eve that only leaves the multiple orgasms.

  12. Fireshark on 6 February 2013, 21:22 said:

    “If I had her, I’d have a different girl every night!” a man next to Tookie cried. “I could stop cheating!”

    I laughed.

    This story is supposed to be funny, that much is obvious. However, some of what Tyra said about it seemed to indicate it was also supposed to be serious or thought-provoking, so I feel like she just tried to do everything at once and failed.

  13. Apep on 6 February 2013, 21:34 said:

    Along with enhanced normal senses, Katoocha also has the power to see into the future of fashion—the outfit she is wearing will be all the rage next year.

    Am I the only one who thinks this is a total BS power? Because the logic involved is so circular – if she “predicts” something will be in style, then it does, but only because she “predicted” it.

    Though that would be a fun “power” to abuse. Think of the possibilities: you could convince people to dress in the stupidest fashions possible, stuff that Lady Gaga would balk at, and all because you “predict” it.

  14. Apep on 6 February 2013, 21:36 said:

    Sorry to double post, but I forgot something:

    BellaDonna, the ruler of Modelland.

    SUBTLETY!!11!!!ONE!!!!ELEVEN

  15. TakuGifian on 6 February 2013, 22:25 said:

    Strobotronic

    BEEP BOOP BEEP.

    Chameeleoné

    Seeduksheeon!

    Really? I used to use “creative” spelling like this, thinking it was oh-so-clever, when I was TWELVE. I grew out of it fairly quickly, though. It’s the single laziest way to come up with fantasy names, and I have only seen it done well in one series (The Tales of the Dark Forest series, by Steves Barlow and Skidmore). You really need to have the right comical tone to get it to work, otherwise it just comes off as stupid, tacky, and lazy.

    Katoocha

    I can name children!

    Are creative misspellings really that popular in the fashion industry?

    Judging solely by Zoolander? Yes.

  16. sakuuya on 6 February 2013, 23:57 said:

    In the British Invasion season/cycle of ANTM, Tyra assigned all the girls “superpowers” like the ones the 7Sevens have in this book. Some of them are repeats, but because there were more than 7(Seven) contestants, she also had to make up a bunch of new ones, including “Era-Descent,” “Zagalicious,” and “Gam-a-Tronica.” No one got Teleportaling, sadly.

  17. lilyWhite on 7 February 2013, 00:05 said:

    I just found a web page that lists the Modelland-inspired names as mentioned above.

    In case you thought she couldn’t come up with stupider stuff…

  18. Prince O' Tea on 7 February 2013, 09:33 said:

    Those names are bad enough when she’s cursing fictional characters with them, but the fact that she assigns those idiotic tags to flesh and blood people is quite horrifying.

  19. Mingnon on 11 February 2013, 00:47 said:

    And then there’s the rest of the episode, but that’s neither here nor there. >:/

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