Chapter Thirty-Three: Deco

The morning sun blazed brightly, but to Tookie, it felt as if the sky were covered with angry storm clouds.


The Unicas are talking about Zarpessa’s breakdown from the night before.

“She’s probably still in the FEDS,” Dylan whispered. “Givin’ a Zar-Opressa Madwoman of Modelland performance. I bet they put her mean butt in some wild-animal restraints. What I wouldn’t give for a CaraCaraCara picture of that!”

Why are we supposed to like Dylan, again? Are our protagonists meant to be liked for acting like the Alpha Bitch?

Then Bravo knocks on the window, calling for Tookie. Tookie invites him in, despite not being allowed to have boys in the D building. Bravo wants to talk to Tookie alone, which makes one wonder why Tookie doesn’t step outside with him, but whatever. Tookie’s friends leave, giggling, and Tookie asks if Bravo has been following her. Bravo admits this (goddammit, we had a semi-likeable love interest and now he’s a stalker) and says that he hurt his hand and wants Tookie to suck his thumb. Bravo tries to see what’s under Tookie’s flower “brooch” (her “T O OKE” button) but she pushes his hand away. Bravo tells Tookie that he likes her because she doesn’t chase after him like other girls.

Bravo starts to tell a story about a boy named Deco who wanted to be an architect, but everyone noticed him for his face. There was even a composer who wrote a whole symphony about Deco’s face, which gave Bra—Deco the chance to oggle the concert hall. When Braco became a teenager, he was overwhelmed by attention from girls and his architectural designs were overlooked in favour of his beauty. He had been asked to attend Bestosterone, but had no interest in doing so. Then one day, he heard his two favourite architects talking about Modelland’s architecture and their plans to go through the Diabolical Divide to see Modelland. They were never seen again. Brav—Deco realized that there was a safe way up the mountain: Bestosterone.

Tookie grasps onto the painfully obvious fact that “Deco” is really Bravo. He bats a hair away from her eye, and Bravo gushes about how special and unique Tookie is and how he wants her first kiss. Tookie thinks about how she “promised” herself to Theophilus, then decides that she wants to kiss Bravo.

Our first kiss. That sounded so good. “Where?” Tookie whispered.

“I’ll sweep you away, where no one at Modelland can see us,” Bravo said. “We’ll go on a magical ride down a secret ZipZap that we hid under the new 7Seven stadium and land in the most beautiful fountain in LaDorno.”

Time to repeat two certain words: HOW CONVENIENT! Isn’t Tookie lucky that Bravo just spontaneously mentions the emergency ZipZap?

Bravo says that they’ll go after tomorrow’s ManAttack. Tookie is surprised about the ManAttack, and Bravo says that it’s supposed to be a secret for the Bellas but he told her anyway. Tookie asks him if he can show her where the secret ZipZap is right then, and he agrees to show her that night.

Tookie is about to tell Bravo about her plans, but then Ci~L bursts in, screaming. She tells Bravo to get out…

Then she glared at Tookie. “Do you know what happens to girls like you who break the rules? Do you know how much I want to kill you right now?”

Well, what do you know. It’s a giant spider. Ci~L is evil.

Ci~L shoots flaming fabric out of her fingertips, then advances on Tookie and Bravo, her face changing between a mixture of Gunnero’s and Applaussez’s to a combination of Chaste’s and Zarpessa’s. Then her face starts changing to a horrific combination of the Unicas’ faces. She readies her claws, and even has “sharpened teeth”.

The girls hold onto each oth—wait. It was just Tookie and Bravo in the room. The girls left so that Tookie could be alone with Bravo. Where’d Bravo go? Where’d the other girls come from? Was this book proofread at all?

Tookie is convinced that Ci~L is going to kill them, but then Persimmon shows up and drags Ci~L away in the space of a single paragraph, with Ci~L saying that she should just burn the girls alive.

Over my dead body, Tookie thought.

Well, you’ve…got her there, Tookie. She can’t burn you alive if you’re dead…

Chapter Thirty-Six: All Hail Queen Creamy

All of the Pilgrims stink. Creamy, being more competent than the rest of the Pilgrims, has made herself into a monarch of sorts, with the rest of the Pilgrims carrying the De La Crèmes up the mountain.

They stop for a break, and ahead of them, they see a lush garden with the sweet smell of flowers coming towards them. Then a strange sound starts up near the ground. Abigail “Down With Razors!” Goode points towards a well-tended cemetery, each labelled with the name of a “Muse”. Lynne touches one of the stones, which causes the cemetery to start shaking. At this point, you’d think they would know not to touch anything.

Everyone gets into a defensive position, then Abigail suddenly screams at Modelland:

“I should have known you wouldn’t help me change the world. To spread the word about how beautiful a hairy body can be. And now I…have…had…enough!”

Her mother Harriet tries to calm Abigail, but Abigail ignores her and grabs a dagger before ripping off her clothes.

I sincerely apologize for the image in your heads right now.

Abigail brings the knife to her chest, but instead of stabbing herself like Harriet thinks she does, Abigail starts cutting off all of her hair. She then states that she’s giving her hair away to charity.

Now that she was completely without hair, the group could see the Abigail who had been hiding all along.

“Preee-teee…,” Hunchy slobbered, ogling Abigail.

The organ eater was wrong, though. Abigail was not simply pretty. She was out-of-this-world, breathtakingly beautiful—absolutely, undeniably, soul-stirringly stunning.

…the moral here, kids? If you adhere to the social norms of beauty, then you too can be beautiful! Forget being comfortable with the way you want to look, look this certain way and you will be absolutely stunning!

…let’s move on.

With Abigail now suddenly the most stunning girl in the group, Creamy decides that Abigail needs to die now.

Then a massive creature with thousands of human-like legs sticking out of its body comes along. Creamy calls it a Leg Leech and appears worried. It sticks out two of its legs, then starts clicking them together. Myrracle starts snapping her fingers, followed by the rest of the group except for Lynne. The Leg Leech “[motions] for Myrracle and Lune to join in with both hands” and I’m wondering what the hell that motion is supposed to look like. While Myrracle is perfectly capable of snapping with both hands, Lynne can’t without her missing middle finger. Harriet stops snapping and walks over to Lynne.

Then the Leg Leech sticks out a tendril that slices Harriet and Lynne through their hips.

Abigail freaks out as the Leg Leech sticks Harriet’s and Lynne’s legs onto its body. What is with the theme of monsters that cut off your limbs and stick them onto their own bodies in the Diabolical Divide? This would actually be hilarious if whatever bit off Lynne’s middle finger came along with the finger on the top of its head, flipping off everyone.

The Leg Leech starts waltzing, so Myrracle starts dancing with Bellissima (Creamy’s doll) in her arms. The Leg Leech starts retreating, then a ring of fire erupts around the cemetery, trapping Myrracle and Bellissima inside. The ring of fire then turns into a massive fireball that torches Kamata and Abigail. This pleases Creamy, though Myrracle is freaking out. Then four more fireballs appear, flying towards Creamy, Myrracle, Hunchy, and Bellissima. Hunchy runs in a different direction than Creamy and Myrracle before the fireballs explode.

A few minutes later, Hunchy wakes up. He calls out, but there’s no answer.

Hunchy jumped up from the mud and shook himself off. All that running and dodging had worked up his appetite. He followed the sweet scent not of blood orange, but of the pancreas and thymus glands that lived within one particular platinum-headed Unica, and he resumed his trek to Modelland.


This is the last chapter of the Pilgrims’ adventure, but not the end for Creamy and Myrracle. But what of Hunchy? What of the LeGizzârd who set off for Modelland just to dine on the guts of one of our heroines? What becomes of him, at least in this book?

I’ll just spoil it right now: absolutely nothing.

I’m serious. Hunchy doesn’t appear later in the book, he doesn’t come up near the end, there’s nothing remotely connected to the plot arc of Hunchy that comes up in the rest of the book. His subplot here just vanishes entirely from the book. And while I assume that Hunchy will come up in one of the sequels to Modelland, the way his plot suddenly ends here in this book is really awkward.

And this isn’t the last time that something like this happens.

Onwards! To a freaking long chapter!

Chapter Thirty-Seven: Man Attack and Heartache

The Unicas are discussing their plans to leave Modelland. Tookie realizes that she must leave behind Bravo forever if she wants to survive. They begin devising a plan, with Piper being responsible for causing a blackout, Shiraz being their guide in the darkness, and Dylan fainting as a diversion. Tookie and Dylan start harassing each other, requiring Shiraz to break them up. Dylan suggests getting Bravo to come with them, but Tookie, knowing that he’s living his dream in Modelland, decides against it.

The next morning, when Tookie looks in the mirror, she starts thinking that she looks less ugly. Then Guru Gunnero announces ManAttack and tells all of the Bellas to report to the OrbArena. The Unicas encourage Tookie to do well, then Ci~L shows up. Ci~L grabs Tookie’s wrist and pulls her away, taunting Tookie all the time about how “It’ll all be over in a flash” and that she and her friends have to report to Ci~L once ManAttack is over or Ci~L’ll find them herself. Because Ci~L is teh ultimate evulz.

They arrive at the OrbArena, and Tookie is taken to the prep area by a Mannecant. She is told to strip and put on some complicated-looking underwear. Then the other Bellas competing arrive: Chaste and Zarpessa.


Zarpessa looks fine at first, but goes into hyper-Alpha-Bitch mode as soon as Tookie asks if she’s okay. Tookie then looks at the scoreboard and sees that she’ll be competing against Bravo. Oh noes!

The OrbArena fills with Bellas, Bestosteros, and Gurus. Tookie changes into her underwear along with Chaste and Zarpessa, then gripes about how she’s going to have to escape in this underwear. The girls step out of the prep zone and the audience cheers for them.

Gunnero introduces the crowd to ManAttack, and Tookie notices Piper searching for the light switch before staring at Bravo on the other side of the arena.

Gunnero explains the four phases of ManAttack: the Touch, Wardrobe, Makeup, and the Photo Finish. Then we get this flavourful gem:

“Bravo, I want to have your babies! We can start trying right there on that plank, right now!” a Bella behind Applaussez shouted from the crowd.


Gunnero tells the participants not to hit each other’s faces or the guys’ crotches (it hurts when girls get hit there too, you know), then annouces the first match between Chaste and Alexander, ordering the others back to the prep zones. As their battle begins, Bravo shows up in the Bella prep zone, all excited about competing against Tookie. Bravo tells Zarpessa to leave, and Zarpessa acts like a bitch before getting lost.

Bravo tries to reassure Tookie and gives her some ManAttack advice. He comments on how Chaste is a slut. Tookie tries to tell him something, but he keeps talking about ManAttack. He then licks his thumb and starts rubbing Tookie’s eyebrow with it, which makes me giggle hysterically for no good reason. Chaste and Alexander’s match ends, Chaste winning 85-30, prompting Zarpessa to go on. Bravo asks if Tookie wants the rules explained again, then she bursts out and tells him about her plan to escape Modelland through the emergency ZipZap. Bravo is surprised that Tookie is leaving, and she doesn’t tell him about why she has to leave. Bravo claims that Tookie used him. Tookie tries to apologize, then Bravo says that his affection towards Tookie was simply part of a bet between him and two other Bestosteros. Tookie tells him to get out, and Bravo leaves. Tookie starts angsting, thinking that she should have known better than to think anyone would love a “freak-a-zoid Forgetta-Girl” like her.

Zarpessa’s match ends, with her winning 92-25. Tookie’s turn is next, and she faces off against Bravo in the arena. As soon as the match starts, Tookie charges at Bravo and hurls him off of the plank they’re on, winning her the Touch part of the match. He’s tossed back up on via antigravity as phase two begins. Clothes and accessories start shooting at the two, and Tookie has to dress as a queen while being pelted with dresses and crowns and blazers. She almost falls off the plank, but Bravo catches her. Then Tookie looks at Bravo, thinks about how hot he looks, then punches him in the face.

Next comes the Makeup round, with “Maki Balls” flying out at the two. Bravo tells Tookie to get herself dressed, earning himself a penalty for kicking the Maki Balls away. As Tookie uses a Maki Ball to put makeup on, she describes her fantasy first kiss to Bravo. Bravo tells Tookie to mess him up, prompting Tookie to get even madder at him. Tookie considers throwing her crown at Bravo, then Bravo tells her to activate two Maki Balls and throw them at him so he can sabotage himself. Bravo says that she deserves better, which leads into Tookie gushing about Theophilus Lovelace—in front of Zarpessa. Bravo, thinking that Tookie is leaving to see Theophilus, tells her that he lied about there being a bet out of spite. Tookie doesn’t know if he’s telling the truth, comparing him to Ci~L in how they had fooled her.

She grabs one of the Maki Balls, which begins leaking a yellow liquid. The Maki Ball turns into a SMIZE, which Tookie puts on, causing her to feel superpowered and super-special. The crowd goes wild over super-SMIZEd Tookie. Tookie takes two Maki Balls, gives them to Bravo, licks her thumb, rubs his eyebrows with her thumb, then walks away as the Maki Balls explode. Then she stands in front of him, using her CaraCaraCara lessons to portray the opposite emotion of what she is feeling. The final score: Bravo, 19 points—Tookie, 106 points.

Because it’s not enough for Tookie to simply beat Bravo because Bravo is letting her win, no—Tookie has to get a deus ex machina SMIZE and get the highest score to become ManAttack champion.

Then Dylan faints. And the lights go out.

It was time.

Next time on Lily Sporks Modelland: we say hello and goodbye to a wonderful character, the ultimate confrontation between Ci~L and the Unicas, and our dahling narrator returns to lecture us in regards to one of the stupidest fucking plot “twists” I’ve ever seen in a story.

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  1. Fireshark on 29 May 2013, 01:56 said:

    I think I lost track of what was going on chapters ago. Not your fault, it’s just one weird book.

  2. Brendan Rizzo on 29 May 2013, 13:58 said:

    Then she glared at Tookie. “Do you know what happens to girls like you who break the rules? Do you know how much I want to kill you right now?”

    And to think, when I read that, I thought it was just hyperbole.

    When ManAttack happened, I thought that was supposed to be some lockdown procedure, like what the Bellas should do in case a Bestostero shows up uninvited like what Bravo just did. But then it turns out to be something stupid.

    Please say that something important will happen soon…

  3. pocong on 8 August 2013, 23:06 said:

    This always bugged me whenever I saw it printed. Why does Hunchy start ogling Abigail? He’s a lizard man that eats organs isn’t he? How can he tell the difference between a pretty girl and an ugly one, they should all be cheeseburgers to him! It’s something that I always hated about fantasy and sci-fi, a clearly non-human species should have radically different ideas about what constitutes attractiveness.

  4. Maria on 9 August 2013, 21:38 said:

    pocong, you can probably enjoy this story better if you lay off the insistence that each sentence or concept fit logically with other sentences and concepts. Rather, you should treat every sentence as a little mini novella unrelated to every other sentence in the book.

  5. Brenda on 11 October 2013, 16:57 said:

    What is up with all the thumb sucking and thumb licking and eyebrow swiping with the saliva on the thumb? Weird.