Chapter Twenty-Nine: Flute Creepers

We start off with Myrracle and Creamy talking and a mention of how the Pilgrims had been travelling for months.

Suddenly, ominous winds blew in.

Even the wind in the Diabolical Divide is diabolical. Or perhaps should I say, wicked?

The Pilgrims ready their makeshift weapons, knowing that creatures called Tumble Terrors would soon be coming. The group has scars from these monsters; Lynne (the old woman) lost her middle finger, Abigail Goode has a gash on her face, and Harriet Goode had a chunk taken out of her hairy butt. Literally.

One of the pug-sized creatures had extracted a three-inch chunk from Abigail’s mother’s shaggy buttocks.

As it turns out, Creamy has a special concoction that she uses on herself and Myrracle to protect them from harm, which she doesn’t share with the rest of the group. We’re also told how Lynne seeks revenge on an Intoxibella named Larcenina who stole Lynne’s husband from her. Creamy and Lynne snap at each other’s appearances for a bit.

We’re then introduced to a mysterious hunchbacked figure that the Pilgrims call “Hunchy” who takes down a Tumble Terror and slices its torso open with the claw on its foot so he can reach into its carcass and eat its pancreas. He promptly spits it out.

The sweetbreads he desired, the reason for his trek, were so close, yet so far, within a certain pale-skinned Unica who resided in Modelland…

Well, so much for the intrigue and mystery. Hunchy is a LeGizzârd who wants to eat Piper’s guts. Then again, for the payoff of this plot arc in this book, well…I won’t spoil the payoff.

Kamata announces that the group has made it through the first level. Kamata warns them that the second zone is even worse and tells everyone to set up camp. Creamy notes that she brought a blow-up tent for herself and Myrracle, then refuses to eat any of the mango rations Myrracle hands her.

Suddenly, the two De La Crémes hear a strange song, then look out of their tent to see silver plants resembling musical instruments sticking themselves into the mouths of the other Pilgrims. The Flute Creeper, as the text exposits, knock out their victims with venom, crawl into their victims’ bodies, then devour their victims from the inside out while the victims still live. Kamata was supposed to stay awake and look out for them, but he had failed miserably.

Myrracle asks if they should let the other Pilgrims die, to which Creamy says that there’s strength in numbers and throws a spear at a Flute Creeper on Kamata. She rips out the Flute Creeper’s heart and shoves it into Kamata’s mouth, forcing him to chew it as the heart contains the antivenom. Myrracle asks how Creamy knows this, to which Creamy simply responds, “Personal research.”

And that brings the Pilgrim chapter to an end.

Sadface. Because in these two chapters, Creamy and Myrracle have shown themselves to be more proactive in pursuing their goals than our protagonist.

Chapter Thirty: D-Head and Dread

Tookie bolts out of the M building, avoiding detection without even trying to sneak past any security. (Though I already mentioned this last time.) As she runs away from the M building, she wonders if the BellaDonna really did replace another student with her. Well, it’s either that or the BellaDonna is allowing herself to be blackmailed over something that never happened, so why don’t you work out the logic there, Tookie? Tookie thinks about how her and her friends were surely experiments all along, and how the BellaDonna had mentioned bodies to Ci~L and some horrible thing that Ci~L had done.

What if Ci~L had taken the torture too far, had done something even Modelland didn’t stand for?

The BellaDonna said Ci~L scared even her! Oh God! Ci~L is the most twisted, diabolical person here…

Keep in mind that Tookie is basing this entirely off of what the BellaDonna said, and as we’ve seen so far, the BellaDonna is quite sadistic and cruel. How does Tookie know that what the BellaDonna was referring to was merely something that the BellaDonna disapproved of? Because we know that the BellaDonna is such a paragon of morality, but no. To hell with every interaction Tookie had with Ci~L; Ci~L is now officially worse than Satan.

Tookie goes towards the D building, angsting about a bush that frowns at her and thinking it wants to hurt her. And then she runs into Bravo. Bravo calls her “Creamy” because of her whipped cream, to which Tookie rudely tells him to never call her that again. He asks if “D-Head” would be a better name, as the shape of her head reminds him of the D building. From what we know of Bravo, he’s a fairly intelligent and civil guy, so how the hell did he think saying that was a good idea? Naturally, Tookie gets pissed off about it. Bravo explains that the D building is the perfect example of “uncommon beauty”, “a curious collection of peculiar things.” Apart, they would be less than ordinary, but together, they’re special.” Gag.

Bravo says that Tookie’s lips look fine, perfect for her first kiss, and then a leaf falls on Tookie’s lip. This gives Bravo an excuse to stick his thumb in her mouth again. Bravo compliments her eyes, then Tookie says that she’d want to hate him because he’s more attractive than she is. Our protagonist, people! She assures him that she doesn’t actually hate him, and just when it seems like they are going to kiss, Tookie remembers Ci~L’s words and runs off.

Tookie runs into the D, where her fellow Unicas are trying to get Kamalini’s attention away from her Headbangor as they’ve made a bet and whoever loses has to shove “Zar-Oppressa” the next time she acts like a one-dimensional Alpha Bitch. Because two wrongs make a right. (But three rights make a left!)

Tookie pulls them away and tells them about the conversation between the BellaDonna and Ci~L. She mentions the time she sleepwalked onto Ci~L beating herself up and screaming “sorry” over and over again. Tookie thinks this means that she was apologizing to the people she killed, and now she’s ready to do it again. Dylan gets pissed off over how Tookie never mentioned that, and Tookie says that she thought it might have just been a dream and that she should have mentioned it earlier. Dylan naturally forgives her and starts angsting about her momma, four sisters, and four brothers. Shiraz expresses her fear of dying, and so does Piper:

“I’ve never felt so alive. It feels so good to not start every day in fear of the LeGizzârds taking my life.”

One second, please.


Okay, let’s continue.

Tookie rallies the girls, telling them that they need to escape. Piper suggests that everyone should focus on what they do best: Piper focuses on research and technology, Dylan uses her big mouth, and Shiraz serves as a lookout. Tookie wonders what she’s good at, then the rest of the girls appoint her as their leader. Tookie then thinks about how she has no idea what to do.

Because it’s not like she was told about a potential escape route earlier, right?

Chapter Thirty-One: Despairing Desperation

Two weeks pass and Tookie’s still got nothing. They sure were hard at work trying to think up a plan, weren’t they? Meanwhile, the 7Seven Tournament is drawing near, prompting the girls to argue over who they think will be chosen. We’re told about how Ci~L just stares sadly at Tookie’s friends in War of Words and how Guru MattJoe had to have Modelland security physically subdue her three times—for what reason, we’re never told. We’re also told about how Bravo leaves whipped cream for Zookie on each day of the two weeks. This doesn’t do enough to abate the Unicas’ fear, leading to them losing their appetites.

With the 7Seven stadium almost completed, Tookie’s class gets a tour from ZhenZhen. Then it occurs to Tookie that they could use the emergency ZipZap that ZhenZhen mentioned. Gee, why didn’t you think of this earlier, you massive twit? The other girls point out how it has a fifty-fifty chance of spitting them into the Diabolical Divide, and the idea of just climbing over the wall comes up. Tookie points out that they’d still have to go through the Diabolical Divide, and Dylan says that she’d rather know exactly where she’s going.

So, given the choice between a 100% chance of ending up in the Diabolical Divide or a 50% chance of ending up in the Diabolical Divide, the girls decide to go for climbing over the wall. Morons.

They go to scout out the perfect spot to climb the wall, then return to bed. Tookie dreams about Ci~L being worse than Satan and her friends’ dead bodies, but is then awakened by a screeching alarm. Outside of the building, they see Desperada running towards the wall. Desperada screams that life is not worth living without her boyfriend, then starts climbing the wall.

Ci~L then shows up, telling Desperada to get off the wall. Guru Gunnero comes along, scolding her for trying to stop Desperada and calling her “Body Girl” again. The Unicas immediately assume that Gunnero’s nickname for her is supposed to mean “dead body girl”. Yes, because we have some vague reason to believe that Ci~L is a villain, everything about her will become utterly and throughly demonized.

Desperada keeps climbing. Ci~L mashes the Paragon interrupt button, but fails to grab Desperada. That’s when Tookie notices that instead of nails, Ci~L has claws. Because she is evul. Desperada insults everyone who left their boyfriends behind. Ci~L warns Desperada of the “permanent” consequences of leaving and starts climbing after her. Gunnero eggs her on, prompting Ci~L to insult Gunnero about how he doesn’t like how his life’s turned out.

Then Desperada jumps off the wall. Shortly afterwards, a lightning bolt strikes the wall, turning it transparent. As Desperada rises to her feet and turns back towards Modelland, it is revealed that her face has become old, that it “looked as though it belonged to someone of almost seventy, not a girl of fifteen.”

This shouldn’t be much of a surprise, given that all of the students were told this when they started at Modelland. Which brings up a very good: how come none of our brilliant Unicas remembered this?

Zarpessa makes a quip about the Unicas being ugly, prompting Tookie to think about how “foul and black-hearted” Zarpessa is. Because she’s just a one-dimensional Alpha Bitch. Tookie shoves Zarpessa to the ground, provoking Zarpessa to challenge Tookie to a brawl. Dylan breaks them up and Zarpessa swears vengeance.

Gunnero has Desperada taken away from Modelland, mocking her over her lost youth. Then an earthquake suddenly starts, knocking girls off their feet.

The BellaDonna statue glowed, its arms outstretched, vibrating violently. Ci~L just stood there with a foreboding look in her eyes as everything started to crash to the ground around her. Tookie somehow knew that Ci~L, in tandem with the BellaDonna, was responsible for the devastating tremor. Debris was falling everywhere. Everywhere but on Ci~L.

…Tookie. Perhaps maybe, if the earthquake isn’t causing stuff to fall on Ci~L, maybe it just might be because the BellaDonna doesn’t want to piss Ci~L off and provoke her into spilling the beans? And what reason do you have to believe that Ci~L is causing the earthquake along with the BellaDonna—especially given Ci~L’s blatant animosity against the BellaDonna and how Ci~L just tried to stop Desperada from ruining herself? Oh wait, logic has no place in this book—Ci~L is teh evul, therefore she must have caused the earthquake.

All of the Bellas run for cover until the earthquake stops, Tookie realizes that they can’t climb over the wall and they need to find another way out. Is that 50% chance of salvation looking any better now?

In a happy universe, this chapter would end here. (Wait, scratch that. In a happy universe, this book would have been throughly edited and critiqued before being published, if it got published at all.) But we have another one of Tookie’s stupid letters, one addressed to Ci~L. I’m going to quote the letter in full, because there’s just so much to tear apart and I think me getting completely pissed off at this book is a good way to finish off this installment.


I really don’t understand you. One minute you’re beating yourself, the next you’re rocking and chanting, then you turn into a blackmailing devil with the BellaDonna, and just now you faked concern for Desperada.

Excuse me, Tookie, but what the fuck makes you think she faked concerned for Desperada? Because you think she’s teh evul and that means that she can’t possibly mean good in anything she does?

I’ve wondered if you are mentally disturbed, but now you’ve truly confirmed just how sick you really are.

By trying to stop a girl from doing something stupid and standing around doing nothing while an earthquake happens?

I was once told by a supportive Triple7 Intoxibella who seems to have just up and disappeared that people who hurt others are hurting even more themselves. You must have been talking about yourself.

Or maybe Ci~L was talking about Zarpessa, who had done something bitchy immediately prior to Ci~L looking at her and saying that? And it’s not as if Tookie doesn’t have first-hand proof of a way that Zarpessa is hurting inside, rather than baseless assumptions provoked from the words of an unreliable source.

Is that what the sacrifices are about? Are you a broken, barren soul, feeding on suffering to maintain your flawless existence?

Keep in mind that we still have absolutely no solid proof of girls being sacrificed. The only thing we have to go off of is one vague conversation.

Your maverick ways, your renegade fight…it’s a booby trap, a gimmick, an illusion, so you can strike your victims while they’re distracted by your unpoetic gibberish.

You’re one to speak for unpoetic gibberish, Tookie.

I’ve already been the victim of evil here at Modelland, you know that. In fact, I LIVE with it, literally, and she is bathed in a glowing Lumière as I write you. But THAT evil, as hurtful as it is, I kind of understand. THAT evil is living a lie and grabbing on to the handlebars of dear life to maintain her fantasy for an existence. While yours just seems selfish, pure evil for evil’s sake.

Let’s rewind a bit back, to when Tookie was thinking about Zarpessa:

She had never met anyone so foul and black-hearted in her life.

Tookie, you fucking hypocrite. And now we’re branding Ci~L as worse than a character who exists solely to be a bitch to our heroine!

I thought you were an inspiration, Ci~L—most of the world thinks so. So you’ve broken my heart in more ways than one. But the Unicas will beat you at your own game. We are getting out of here; we won’t be more of your victims.

“Where the hell is Ci~L?” they all ask. When I get away from this place, the first thing I’m going to do is tell the world what a phony, evil, sick bitch you are.

Good luck with that, given the overwhelming mountain of proof you have that everything nice Ci~L does is just her faking it and that she is sacrificing girls for her own selfish gain.

Ever since Tookie met Ci~L, she’s had nothing but a high opinion of Ci~L. Ci~L has given her and her friends words of encouragements, stood up against bullies for them. Tookie’s views of Ci~L had always been positive—she looked up to Ci~L and felt pity for her situation.

On the other hand, the BellaDonna has shown herself to be cold and cruel. She publicly shames and tortures Ci~L, based on whatever perceived wrong that Ci~L has done. The very conversation which led Tookie to believe that Ci~L is “the most twisted, diabolical person here” also implicates the BellaDonna in some nasty plots. The BellaDonna has been nothing but a “bee-yotchhh”.

And based on the BellaDonna’s words and some vague sentences, Tookie’s opinion of Ci~L has completely changed. And now our protagonist is demonizing everything that Ci~L has ever done, out of the belief that nothing about Ci~L could possibly be good. But given the type of book that Modelland is, what do you think the odds are of Tookie being completely right about everything she has accused Ci~L of?

Next time on the Modelland spork: we get strong evidence for the idea that the girls are in danger (three guesses as to who this evidence doesn’t point to), another Pilgrim chapter (yay!), and Tookie proves herself to be even more of a hypocritical, unlikeable bitch.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need some chocolate.

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  1. Brendan Rizzo on 18 May 2013, 10:21 said:

    Okay, since when did Tookie’s mom become a badass?

    As for Tookie herself, I no longer care what happens to her.

  2. Pryotra on 19 May 2013, 10:18 said:

    I’m really starting to root for Creamy. Seriously.

    And we also have a lovely case of protagonist centered morality. I’ll bet you a large amount of money that everything that Tookie thinks is going to end up being true. I realize that we’re attempting to show that our heroine is smart and such, but unless there’s a good reason for her to be suspicious, having the protagonists perceptions all be true is really lazy.

  3. Asahel on 19 May 2013, 18:08 said:

    So, given the choice between a 100% chance of ending up in the Diabolical Divide or a 50% chance of ending up in the Diabolical Divide, the girls decide to go for climbing over the wall. Morons.

    Except for one thing (which I’ll get to in a moment), I can actually kinda see the logic. A 50% of being stranded in the middle of a No Man’s Land may be a lot worse than skirting a known path directly through its outskirts.

    That said, wasn’t this Diabolical Divide supposed to be some kind of “Abandon all hope ye who enter” place that “no one who goes in ever comes out again?” If so, yeah, I’d take the 50% chance of not that.

    Also, while I’m at it:

    Desperada screams that life is not worth living without her boyfriend, then starts climbing the wall.

    Desperada, why don’t you come to your senses? Come down from your fences, open the gate. It may be raining, but there’s a rainbow above you. You better let somebody love you. Let somebody love you! You better let somebody love you before it’s too late.

    You don’t know how long I was holding that one in. My apologies. Carry on.

  4. BlackStar on 20 May 2013, 17:11 said:

    Suddenly, ominous winds blew in.

    Besides being hilarious for some reason, that also reminded me of the dramatic breeze that always seems to appear in anime whenever something dramatic is going on/being said.

    He asks if “D-Head” would be a better name, as the shape of her head reminds him of the D building.

    AHAHAHAHAHAHA. I guess Tyra is just as much of a fan of boner jokes as the next person, huh?

  5. Maxie on 6 June 2013, 11:31 said:

    So is this really the plot? Ci~L brought the kids here so she could kill them? Was there any reason she couldn’t do that while she was transporting them all over the world on the way to Modelland?

  6. Brenda on 11 October 2013, 15:14 said:

    Um…what?! Wasn’t CL mumbling that it was her fault, not screaming sorry?