We’re a little over halfway through the book now. It certainly feels like it, right? Don’t worry, we’ll be getting some sort of conflict in this installment.
Even if it is shoved into the story in what is possibly the dumbest scene in the entire book.
Chapter Twenty-Six: The Porcelain Pact
Tookie, Piper, and Shiraz go into Dylan’s room, where the Likee sisters express their dislike of the girls’ appearance and tell them that Dylan is in the bathroom. The girls find her in one of the stalls, having thrown up. Dylan says that looking at Zarpessa made her want to be thin like Zarpessa, and angsts about how no one at Modelland looks like her. This prompts the girls to express how no one looks like them as well, and start into confessing their vulnerabilities. As Dylan puts it:
“True friendship is about bein’ really vulnerable. About sittin’ around a toilet and, uh…I don’t know…lettin’ loose.”
Piper starts, and angsts about being albino. She confesses that she hates her mother not because of her mother’s politics, but because she married a man with albinism. Because to hell with whether or not her mother loves a man or likes his appearance, how dare she condemn her daughter to albinism? She shows the others a photo of herself wearing makeup and a wig to look “normal”. Tookie wipes Piper’s tears away, and we’re told that “Tears were streaming—quite beautifully, in a strange way—from her rose-colored eyes.” Alright, you can start making out now. Will the lesbian undertones ever end?
Shiraz goes next, talking about how her parents were tall while she’s short and how her father called her names based on how short she was. They were a famous singing show, earning candles for Shiraz’s sick mother. Alas, evidently Shiraz wasn’t good enough for her father, because he died shortly after Shiraz’s mother. Shiraz says that he died of a broken heart, which she takes as meaning that he didn’t love Shiraz. She shows the girls a picture of her and her father, with her father’s face gouged out.
And to think that Piper and Shiraz were once the tolerable members of Tookie’s ensemble.
Then comes Tookie’s turn. She pulls out the T-Mail Jail, explaining it to her friends, and shows a letter that she wrote to herself, viciously berating herself and hoping that she dies. It ends with “Just go…for all of us.”
All of the girls immediately start saying that their troubles are nothing compared to Tookie’s, with Piper saying that Tookie is oh-so-speshul. Tookie hugs her friends, then thinks of Lizzie.
Then Dylan decides that their group needs a name. Dylan suggests “Krapper Sisters” because she’s a freaking moron, while Piper says “The Vulnerable Four”, “V4” for short. Tookie suggests the “ULs” because Zarpessa calls them “Unfortunate-Lookings”, but then suggests “Unicas” which the rest of the girls naturally love.
And naturally, everyone’s attention returns to Tookie and the cuts she got from the Catwalk Corridor. Piper volunteers to take her to the FEDS (Fashion Emergency Department Store). Dylan tells them to watch out for “that corridor catty thingamajigga” and Tookie says that she would like to see a cat pee on Zarpessa again.
Don’t you just love our protagonist?
Chapter Twenty-Seven: Z
I just love it when Banks gives things names that are so stupid, they’re fun.
Tookie and Piper make their way to the FEDS. ZhenZhen shows up, recognizing Tookie’s cut as from the Catwalk Corridor. She explains that the cats are Intoxibellas who break the rules and do drugs, and they get turned back to people once they reform. ZhenZhen says that she is going to her Go-See-Go, part of her final exam. Tookie asks if ZhenZhen is going to imitate Ci~L, and ZhenZhen says that whatever Ci~L does, she’ll do. Just before she leaves, ZhenZhen exposits about an emergency ZipZap to LaDorno that a lot of girls died in, which allegedly has an uncontrollable fork that leads to the Diabolical Divide. Huh, I wonder why ZhenZhen just happened to know about that and told them now. We couldn’t be getting a reason in the next chapter as to why Tookie might need to know about that, right?
ZhenZhen hurries off, and Tookie thinks about how ZhenZhen is too stunning to be an honorary Unica. Tookie and Piper then take a ZipZap to the FEDS. Upon arriving, Tookie is reminded of the various tests her mother had done on Tookie to figure out why she was so ugly, which always came back inconclusive. The two girls walk up to the check-in counter, where a very old woman wearing clothes made of various weapons is sitting. She introduces herself as Purse Drestookill, and Tookie makes the astute observation that nurses are called “purses” at Modelland. She thinks about how she should have known that, which is a good point given that it’s the kind of stupidity you’d expect at Modelland. Purse Drestookill tells her that the Catwalk Corridor cats have tetanus and uses the blade-covered device on her head to put a “Clawed by Catwalk Corridor” sticker on Tookie’s arm. All the time, Purse Drestookill insults Tookie’s forehead and lips.
Tookie and Piper sit next to a girl with a uniform too small for her. Tookie asks what the girl is at the FEDS for, and the girl shows her sticker that says “Tax Evasion” “Flooding Pants”. The girl explains that she washed her uniform in hot water when she was supposed to use cold, which turned her uniform tiny and caused water to envelop her. Just after she explains, water starts coming from her feet and envelops her until Purse Drestookill punctures the “bag” of water.
I know what we’re all thinking here: why in the world is this happening?
Tookie looks around, seeing a girl with “Smoky Eyes” who has puffs of smoke coming out of her eye sockets. Then Tookie notices Desperada crying and Zarpessa covered in injuries from the Catwalk Corridor. Tookie smirks at this, because she’s a bitch. Zarpessa shoots Tookie and Piper a look. Tookie walks over to Desperada, asking if she got scratched by the cats—despite there being no indication that Desperada is injured or was even in the Catwalk Corridor. Desperada says that she’s sick.
A woman in roller skates comes in, and Zarpessa hounds the woman about Desperada’s crying. The woman tells Zarpessa that she is a doctor and not a purse, and that she should check Zarpessa for brain trauma. More laughs at the alpha bitch’s expense! The doctor introduces herself to Desperada as Dr. Erica, then diagnoses Desperada’s condition as BW—Boy Withdrawal. Desperada cries about how she misses her boyfriend, to which Dr. Erica responds by telling her that she can’t go home without a dear price and that she needs to suck it up. As Desperada leaves, Dr. Erica makes fun of her name.
Then Bravo comes in with a gash on his neck. Piper calls him “thumb boy” because of how Tookie sucked on his thumb. He acts all humble, then sits down. Dr. Erica announces that Tookie’s next, to which Zarpessa whines and is promptly shot down. Dr. Erica says that Tookie is good at hiding pain and must have been doing it for a while, before giving Tookie some Zed Med. She warns Tookie that they have “a Z effect.”
Then two strands of Dr. Erica’s hair snake through the air and go up Tookie’s nostrils. Eeeeuuugggh. Tookie asks about Dr. Erica’s skates, and the doctor reveals that the skates are part of her body. After Tookie asks about the strange-looking Gurus, Dr. Erica explains that Modelland took in abnormal people like herself and the Gurus, that they would have been experimented on and called freaks without Modelland. Dr. Erica says that her daughter, who also has roller-skate feet, is in a medical school hidden beneath Modelland. Tookie points out the different standards for Gurus and Bellas, and the doctor says that she thought Tookie was an injured Guru and that she doesn’t know why the double standard exists. She gives Tookie more Zed Med, then launches into a speech about how she insulted Desperada’s name:
“Oh, and I know you heard me talking about how children grow up a certain way depending on what their parents name them. Dig deep to see if your name is something to follow or fight against. Tookie. The last syllable sounds like key. Maybe you’re searching for something, and you have the power to unlock it or set it free.”
Well, Tookie is certainly following her name. She’s quite an ass.
Tookie catches a glimpse of the Likee sisters, suffering from “Clothes Horse” from stealing other girls’ stuff. Tookie asks if Dr. Erica can replace the filling that she lost at THE WAR OF WORDS MAGNETOSPHERE.
She had a feeling the Likees—the Fraud Quad—had pilfered it after War of Words class.
Wait, when have we gotten any indication prior to just a few moments ago that the Likees were thieves, let alone had such a nickname? The only things we knew previously is that they malnourished themselves and that they thought the Unicas were ugly. Oh wait, that certainly means that they do mean things all of the time elsewhere. Right?
Dr. Erica brings in Bravo, who is followed by a bunch of girls including Zarpessa. Bravo ignores them and goes to sit with Tookie, asking what happened to her. Tookie responds with “Zats”, revealing what the chapter title and the Z effect is all about. Bravo reveals that Intoxibellos rarely have magic, and that his main concern is architecture. Because boys have interests other than modelling. Zarpessa tries to suck up to Bravo’s interest, but he ignores her and asks if Tookie wants anything to eat. He brings her some Modelland Munchies, then complains about the food at Bestosterone. Tookie tries to eat it, but she puts it on her cheek…somehow. This prompts Bravo to insert it into Tookie’s mouth, getting bloody saliva on Bravo’s hand. Zarpessa starts acting like a bitch, to which Bravo gives no damns. After Bravo says that it must suck having a cut lip when kissing, Zarpessa strolls over.
“Like Chaste would say, there are plenty of other ways to get busy even with a cut lip, right, Too-Too?”
At least Zarpessa is aware that Chaste is a one-dimensional slut. Zarpessa then mocks Tookie for having never “done it” and having never kissed someone, prompting Bravo to tear into Zarpessa for her being a bitch. She leaves angrily, and Bravo continues feeding Tookie. Tookie complains about the food being zoo zry, then pulls out her whipped cream from her flower brooch. (I still have no idea how it fits.) Bravo praises Tookie for not being afraid to eat, then starts shoving things into Tookie’s hammerspace brooch. Tookie laughs like crazy at this, remarking how she’s having fun with a guy.
Dr. Erica returns, saying that she’s ready for operating and that Bravo has to leave. Bravo says zoodbye to Zookie as Tookie is taken to the OR-U-OK, and Tookie thinks about how his hands are “Perfectly imperfect.” Dr. Erica says that she thinks Bravo likes Tookie, which Tookie doesn’t believe. She thinks of Bravo as better than Theophilus and wonders if she really likes Bravo as she goes under.
To Tyra Banks’s credit, the relationship between Tookie and Bravo is a lot better than a lot of young-adult novels. Silly, yes, but there’s a bit of a good quality to it.
If only we weren’t doing the next chapter right now, we could have ended on a high note. Because we’re about to go down, down, down.
Chapter Twenty-Eight: The Three Decrees
When Tookie wakes up, she realizes that she’s not in the OR-U-OK or the FEDS anymore. Yep, she sleepwalked. She notices a window looking out onto the M plaza and glass walls. After looking around, she realizes where she is.
I’m in the M building!
Yes. We were told that the M building was off-limits to Bellas.
We were told that the M building is the headquarters of Modelland.
We were told that the M building is very secure.
Tookie sleepwalked to dozens of floors up in a building with glass walls without being discovered. And why do you think she sleepwalked here? Why, what reason has Tookie ever sleepwalked during the story? What purpose does Tookie’s sleepwalking serve? That’s right! She sleepwalked here so that she could be in a place which she has no reason to be in at a time which she would otherwise be asleep to hear some plot-relevant exposition!
Tookie sneaks out of the room she’s in, noticing that some of the hallway glass is cloudy and thinks that she could use that to hide. How convenient!
She goes past Guru Applaussez and Guru Lauro having coffee, narrowly avoiding being seen thanks to some opaque glass. How convenient!
Then she notices Guru Gunnero sitting in a diamond throne, seemingly staring directly at Tookie and smiling. Then he applies lipstick and Tookie realizes that he’s just looking at a two-way mirror. HOW CONVENIENT.
Tookie hears angry voices at the end of a hall, then notices a sign that reads “Emergency Exit to the M”. HOW CONVENIENT! Really, I thought that Tookie was going to have to use her smarts to escape the M, but as it turns out, there’s just so many things that happen to help her!
Tookie draws closer to the exit sign, then notices Persimmon eavesdropping on a conversation in another room. The conversation turns out to be the BellaDonna shouting at a sobbing Ci~L. The BellaDonna screams about how Ci~L is trying to unmake the place that made her and that she was trying to do something to girls’ bodies, something which frightened the BellaDonna. The BellaDonna refers to “that round one, that wee one, and that wan one”, which Tookie knows means her friends, and how she wants them abolished. Ci~L insists on keeping them around, saying that she knows the BellaDonna’s “little secret.” Ci~L lists off the horrible things that the BellaDonna made her do, including doing War of Words in her first-year uniform and cleaning the floors of the Ugly Room with her tongue. Ci~L reveals that the BellaDonna’s grave mistake was making Ci~L work in the admissions department, where she discovered something. It’s a good thing that the BellaDonna is that stupid.
And because it’s information that is important to the girl that happens to be eavesdropping, Ci~L randomly brings up the three rules that BellaDonnas must abide by. Say it with me: how convenient!
“One: You must set a world-changing definition of beauty and stick to it for five years. Two: All Gurus must have a combination of a defect and a power. And last but not least, three: Do not tamper with the predetermined admissions list!”
Well, there you go! T-DOD is a crock, a sham, a phony exam.
Ci~L goes on about how the BellaDonna scratched out one worthy candidate and how the BellaDonna faces unspeakable consequences. The BellaDonna eventually asks what Ci~L wants, and Ci~L says that Tookie’s friends are staying. The BellaDonna asks why.
Ci~L laughed devilishly, almost evilly. “You know why. They’re my experiments.”
“If you don’t let me, what I did to those girls’ bodies just might have to happen again. This time, I’ll be successful—let the death march begin! C’mon, BellyDonna. You’re up for a little sacrifice, aren’t you?”
Tookie is freaked out over Ci~L’s words. The BellaDonna accepts, and Ci~L says that she won’t say a word about how the BellaDonna replaced a worthy candidate—with Tookie De La Crème.
Looks like we’ve got some conflict and intrigue now, folks! If only it wasn’t provided in a contrived, unbelievable, and downright stupid manner! And I’m going to spoil a bit of one of the next chapters here: Tookie escapes without being detected. Even more, she doesn’t even try to go undetected. She simply runs out of the building without being seen by anyone.
All together now:
HOW CONVENIENT!
(sighs) We’ve just passed what is arguably the stupidest moment in the book, and we still have the two utterly-sickening parts of the book left to go…
…but on the bright side, the next chapter is a Pilgrim chapter. So we have that to look forward to.
I Think Something's Dead on 25 April 2013, 18:20 said:
If it wasn’t for all the awfulness that surrounded it, I’d be impressed with Tyra for writing in a solid reason Tookie was selected over Myrracle rather than chalking it up to her being speshul.
Brendan Rizzo on 25 April 2013, 21:43 said:
Just… wow. I don’t even…
I knew something like this was going to happen eventually. There has to be a Very Special Chapter about eating disorders or something. But then the subject is just dropped after Tookie reveals how sucky her life is.
Maybe that’s because they almost never interact.
As for the whole scene between Ci~L and the BellaDonna, I have no idea what’s going on. Isn’t the BellaDonna supposed to be the goddess of their stupid world? And yet Ci~L is able to get her to back off for some stupid reason. Come on, Tyra, even if you’re writing satire, the narrative has to make sense.
Oh crap, Ci~L’s a vampire. I knew something like this would happen. These books always have to include vampires.
swenson on 26 April 2013, 08:22 said:
I saw this book at the library the other day! I thought about picking it up, but then I was horrified at the thought that I might spoil the rest of the wonderful story! (Nah, I just didn’t feel like destroying my brain. Even having the book filtered through you, lily, is bad enough!)
Re: cryfest in bathroom:
Okay, I get the girly cryfest in a bathroom thing. I’ve been there with friends before. And I even get all their different complaints, because that’s a teenager thing, you feel that you have so many insurmountable problems that are worse than everyone else’s. All that is annoying, but fine. But of course Tookie’s problems are so terrible that everyone else abandons any sense of self-identity in favor of supporting Tookie. And also she’s brilliant at naming.
And now for tonight’s topic of debate: is convenient expository sleepwalking less or more annoying than convenient expository dreaming? Jane?
Jane: Well, I think I’m going to have to firmly say that dreaming is much worse. After all, dreams aren’t really prophetic in the real world, while eavesdropping is a time-honored method of finding out things you’re not supposed to know. Sure, Tookie’s sleepwalking is convenient, but I much prefer it to the impossibility of prophetic dreaming.
An excellent argument. Judy, do you have a rebuttal?
Judy: Why yes, I do. Sleepwalking is worse than dreaming for the very simple reason that sleepwalking is idiotic.
…I think that really says it all.
Wait, hang on, hang on, hang on. I thought Ci~L was the one who chose Tookie and her friends. Ci~L just chose the friends? Isn’t that tampering with the admissions list too? And why would anybody choose Tookie over some other candidate? That makes it sound like Ci~L is the bad one who doesn’t want Tookie there and the BellaDonna’s the good one who branched out by choosing Tookie, but…
I am confused now.
lilyWhite on 26 April 2013, 12:26 said:
There’s a point to this scene, and when you realize what the point is and what it leads up to, you’ll probably just smash your head against the nearest wall or desk.