Chapter Fifteen: The Bella Donna’s Burden

When we last left our protagonist, Tookie De La Crème, she had just tripped over her own feet. But wait! She resolves to not crumble, and regains her balance!

While it is nice to see Tookie not being an apathetic and inactive protagonist…so much for that little cliffhanger last chapter.

Tookie looks for a thorn bush to run through, and after running into one that only hurts her, she sees the right bush and runs through it, thanking it after she runs through.

Running towards the M building, Tookie suddenly ends up surrounded by walls covered with all kinds of zippers. As she starts to fear that she is trapped forever, Ci~L pops out of one of the zippers and tells her to get moving. Ci~L starts climbing up the wall using the zippers as footholds, and Tookie follows behind her, eventually entering into one zipper and falling into a pitch-black area. Ci~L scolds her for screaming and tells her that they’re in the “ZipZap” just before they fall out of another zipper right in front of the O plaza with the rest of the Modelland student body.

Well, that was really convenient and really stupid at the same time.

Tookie hears Zarpessa snicker, and Ci~L gives her a few words of encouragement before shackles appear on Ci~L’s wrists and ankles, pulling her back into the ZipZap. On the stage is a massive waterfall, showing water images of past and present Intoxibellas—save for Ci~L. Tookie looks around, noticing several groups of Sentura-wearing students, Bellas, and naked women who appear to be living mannequins. Tookie joins the group of new girls and is immediately noticed by Dylan, Shiraz, and Piper. All of them are happy to see Tookie, and Tookie realizes that for the first time in her life, she can actually use the word “friends” instead of “friend”.

She made a mental note to herself to start spelling friends with four S’s, friendssss, in her T-Mail Jail. One s for each of the four friends she now had: Dylan, Shiraz, Piper…and, of course, Lizzie.

If Lizzie still considered Tookie her friend.

While it is nice that Lizzie doesn’t get forgotten, it’s not nice to be reminded of Tookie’s idiocy and prior lack of a social life (almost certainly due to her refusal to not act in an anti-social manner).

The music rises, and a female voice announces:

WELCOME OUR PROTECTORS, OUR MASONS, AND THE BEST ACCESSORIES SINCE THE TONGUE STUD, OUR BRETHEREN FROM…BESTOSTERONE!”

So in addition to doing things other than modelling unlike the female models in this world, the male models also have to be “protectors”, because it’s not like the female models could use their 7Seven powers or whatever to defend themselves from danger.

When the boys come on down, Chaste (a girl who was hanging around with Zarpessa throughout their appearances in Modelland) expresses her desire to claim all of the Bestosterone boys. Because the Alpha Bitch’s clique has to have equally one-dimensional and negative personality, like being a slut.

Next, a female announcer introduces the Bored.

Yes, “Bored”. Not “Board”, “Bored”. Because the members of this board always look bored, hence they’re the “Bored”. We get a description of each oddball member of the Bored: our old friend Guru Applaussez (hand-head), “an ancient-looking troll of a man” with moving tattoos all over his body, a transforming lizard person (on whom Tookie remarks, “That thing makes me feel normal!” because she’s a freak, get it?), and someone “that looked like it was three-quarters man, one-quarter woman” with a strange gash under their right eye and a strange look on its face when it notices Tookie and company.

Then the music changes and everyone starts dancing. Piper even does “a unique robotlike bop, every movement precise.” You see, because she’s the smart one, therefore her precise and intelligent nature has to be reflected in every action she does. Tookie thinks about how Myrracle would have loved this, and feels sad about how she wasn’t chosen.

The waterfall then vanishes, revealing an ten-story-tall diamond statue. Almost as if they had practised, Piper, Dylan, Shiraz, and Tookie in order each say one part of “It’s the BellaDonna!” One of the plastic women steps forwards, and ZhenZhen tells Tookie that the mannequin woman is Persimmon, “the BellaDonna’s chief Mannecant.” ZhenZhen explains what Mannecants are: failed Bellas who serve at Modelland in exchange for never having to leave. Because even if they fail, there’s nothing a girl would want more than to still be at Modelland. ZhenZhen warns Tookie and her friends that Persimmon often adds her own spin when she brings messages to the BellaDonna.

Persimmon introduces the BellaDonna, and everyone drops to one knee. ZhenZhen explains that the BellaDonna is only seen in person once a year, at the 7Seven Tournament. Tookie then notices the BellaDonna statue looking right at her.

Then the BellaDonna statue starts singing!

I won’t quote it all, but the first verse includes the word “No-Sees”, which ZhenZhen explains are new girls. And then comes the sing-along part!

“Modelland is your new HOME…”
“Home…home,” the older Bellas sang.
“Welcome to this superDOME…”
“Dome, Dome,” sang the older Bellas.
“For you XX-chromoSOMED…”
“Somed, somed,” the older Bellas echoed.
“Modelland is your new HOME.”

Next comes the part of the song where the BellaDonna starts listing off all of the products that the models will learn to advertise. Because they’re nothing more than marketing tools and eye candy. Doesn’t every girl reading this spork want to be just like that?

Eventually, Ci~L appears, wearing a “sateen couture” straitjacket, in a cage that rises out of the ground. The BellaDonna sings:

“Regard this renegade, this rowdy rabble-rouser.
This shameless charlatan, this skank scalawag.
A troublemaking malady, a traitor, defective.
While we all zig, this pest must zag…”

“You’ve all grown up dreaming, hoping to be her,
Now this Triple 7Seven is inferior to you.
So learn from her missteps, hello to your futures,
To Ci~L’s: au revoir, adios, and adieu.”

Intriguing!

ZhenZhen whimpers for Ci~L, while Zarpessa jeers the fallen Triple7:

“How the mighty have fallen! Maybe if Ci~L had a famous boyfriend, she wouldn’t be in this mess.”

Because we need another reminder of what a shallow twit Zarpessa is.

The music lowers to a lone violin, as the BellaDonna starts listing the five possible fates for students of Modelland, with the older Bellas shouting out numbers in Gowdee’an (they use “Uno, Dos, Tres, Quatro, Cinco” so “Gowdee’an” is Spanish). I’ll quote all of the lines about the fates and give an explanation.

“The foolish, moronic, the feeble, the mindless
Will risk all and regift their coveted youth…”

If you leave Modelland without permission, you suddenly grow old. Although there’s nothing in the song that really points to leaving without permission, is there?

“The meek and misguided muckety-muck flunkies
Will ride senso unico through farewell tollbooths.”

“Senso unico” means “one-way” as Tookie helpfully points out, and the verse means that if you constantly do poorly, you get kicked out.

“Other castaways’ll opt for Mannecant memoirs,
Perhaps better to pitiful pre-Modelland pursuits.”

This refers to failed Bellas becoming Mannecants, as mentioned earlier.

“Second-string Bellas will opt for the silver screen,
Miming in the multiplex, so trite, so uncouth.”

I don’t think I have to explain this one, but this is the first of the actress-bashing we will see at Modelland. And finally:

“Prime few’ll emerge 7Seven ‘toxibellas.
For this reward, pathetics would sell their eyetooths.”

While we’re here, I might as well mention that I’m not entirely sure what the difference is between a “7Seven” and an “Intoxibella”. The terms are frequently used interchangeably, and while I had suspected that 7Sevens were the current or previous year’s graduated Intoxibellas, Ci~L’s status as a longtime Triple7 doesn’t fit into that logic.

We get one last verse to finish off the chapter:

“Your premature merriment has come much too fast.
Disparity ‘tween good and bad will be very vast.
THBC separates the punks from the class.
For some No-Sees, Discovery Day will be your…last.”

Could this be tension? It’s a little ruined by the knowledge that if Tookie fails, the book would be pretty short.

Maybe Dylan will fail. (crosses fingers)

Chapter Sixteen: The THBC Tamasha

I find it quite ironic that “THBC” is one letter away from THC.

There’s not a sound from the new Bellas…except for Shiraz singing happily as we’re told at the end of the first paragraph. Tookie suddenly notices someone else humming, recognizing her as the girl who had helped her earlier. The girl is wearing a SMIZE and a Headbangor, which is “a newfangled invention from the far southeast that delivered music directly to a wearer’s brainwaves”. The girl, who Tookie recognizes as a Chakran (Indian), makes a lame joke about being named “nervous” and then introduces herself as Kamalini Dara. Tookie introduces herself, expecting Kamalini to comment on her appearance, but Kamalini simply says that she likes Tookie’s name. Clearly, Kamalini is a Good Person.

Kamalini gets called away by her guide and climbs through a ZipZap. Tookie and Dylan then notice four almost-identical girls in identical outfits. Dylan asks who they are, and they introduce themselves as SheLikee, HerLikee, ILikee, and MeLikee.

“We’re“—“from“—“Mini“—“Paul!” Each said a different word in the sentece.

Synchronized twins to the power of two. Fantastic.

We also get a mention of an “Angelîka from Icylann” who exclaims, “Yay, yay, yay! Isn’t dis great?” I don’t know what is worse, the stupid country names or the stupid stereotypes.

ZhenZhen tells Tookie that they have to go on without her and that she should be worried about what comes next, reminding her that there’s strength in numbers. Then along comes Zarpessa, who remarks on Tookie and her friends being animals. Tookie approaches Zarpessa and tells her that she won’t tell anyone about how she saw Zarpessa digging for food in a Dumpster. Zarpessa insists that Tookie doesn’t know what she’s talking about, and tells Tookie to shut up as she leaps into the ZipZap.

Tookie and her friends are the last ones to jump through the ZipZap, and they end up in a room lit by a dim lightbulb. Piper yells out “hello” and deduces that they must be in a large space based on the resonance of her shouts.

The ZipZap opens up again, and a bunch of girls fall onto Tookie. Dylan pulls the girls off of Tookie, which makes Tookie feel good about being cared about. Unlike those previous chapters where Theophilus seems to like her, or at the very least have some concern for her. Or in the first chapter, where no one steps on her when she’s lying in the middle of a hallway.

Suddenly, a girl screams out that another girl died in the ZipZap. The girl turns out to be Angelîka (from Icylann), who is bleeding from the head. Tookie asks if she’s really dead, at which point Angelîka springs up and terrifies everyone. So much for that tension, I suppose.

A voice announces that the girls have arrived in THBC—Thigh-High Boot Camp. The voice is coming from the three-quarters man, one-quarter woman Guru that had appeared during the presentation of the Bored. Standing on a platform surrounded by coloured fireflies, the Guru introduces itself as Gunnero Narzz, head of Modelland security, Run-a-Way Intensive class, and the THBC, making him the second most powerful person in Modelland. At which point Chaste makes a quip towards Guru Gunnero’s gender, because we need to be constantly reminded that Zarpessa’s group are all jerks.

As Guru Gunnero explains, the THBC is a fashion show. Along the way, the Bellas have the choice to going through a door marked Home, which will take them away from Modelland forever.

The first of the five phases starts: measurements. With a kick of Gunnero’s boot, the room transforms in a round white room with one door marked “Home”. Mannecants enter the room, forcefully measuring the girls and making comments about their appearance. One measures Tookie, criticizing the space between her eyes, the length of her arm, and her “ostrichy” neck. It waves a comb-shaped device over Tookie’s hair, at which point we’re told a short list of contradictory traits such as “oily and dry” along with a final diagnosis of “completely uncomable, uncurlable, and unstyleable.”

Once the Mannecants disappear, Gunnero states that the entire class has near-perfect beauty…except for four of them. And no, you don’t get any points for guessing who those four are. He states that phase two is beginning, at which point Zarpessa blurts out asking if they’re getting their thigh-high boots now.

Gunnero’s eyes widened at her outburst. His lips curled into a smirk. “Well, my mother’s youngest and only son said that he heard you were a wannabe, kiss-ass, brownnosing Bella and that he wants me to tell all the girls here to tell you to shut the heck up!” He whipped around at the girls. “Well? Tell her!”

Yeah, take that, Alpha Bitch!

All of the girls, Tookie included, tell Zarpessa to shut up. A hundred chairs drop down from above, and the girls are instructed to sit down in the chair with their name on it. Next, a cart falls from the ceiling, filled with makeup and beauty supplies. Among the stuff on the cart are “False eyelashes made from deceased daddy longlegs.” Is that a real thing? Please tell me that’s not a real thing. There’s also “LP WAX: RECYCLED FROM VINYL ALBUMS OF YESTERYEAR.” Next drops in a hundred Mannecants. The Mannecant in front of Tookie’s chair reminds her of her mother, Creamy, and how her parents had wanted to get rid of her.

On Gunnero’s word, the Mannecants start grabbing and applying makeup at superhuman speed. Tookie feels happy about being pampered and fawned over, remembering how Creamy had taken her to a doctor about how her forehead was growing more than the rest of her face.

Tookie was loving Thigh-High Boot Camp. She thought the name was especially fitting because she felt like she was flying on a natural Thigh High.

What in the world is a “Thigh High”? Is she being fed really, really good chicken thighs? Or did she see some girl’s thigh and realize that she was totally into ladies’ thighs? (The latter, I wish. As for the former, there are no good chicken thighs.)

Once the Mannecants are finished, the lights go off and back on again. The Mannecants have disappeared, allowing all of the girls to look at their beautiful reflections. Tookie even thinks that she looks good, and notes that “Shiraz’s berry-stained lips looked edible.” More lesbian undertones.

But suddenly, Shiraz freaks out. Tookie looks in the mirror to see a boil growing on the nose of the person in front of her, with a foul-smelling smoke coming out of it. Its hair looks as if most of it had fallen out, and it bears bruised eyes and swollen ears.

Then Tookie realizes that the creature in front of her…is her reflection!

Dun dun dunnnn!

Chapter Seventeen: Home, Sour Home

As it turns out, everyone has become twisted and grotesque. Dylan’s ponytails and nose have fallen off, Shiraz’s eyes are bulging out of her head, Piper almost looks like a skeleton, and there’s a gaping hole in Kamalini’s head that you can see her brain through. Angelîka’s head is split open all the way to the base of her neck, and Zarpessa and Chaste have their noses falling off and their lips turning into slugs.

Naturally, Tookie figures out that it’s a trick and tells her friends not to go running out the Home door. Only thirteen girls run out of the door, all of them exclaiming that they are no longer hideous.

Gunnero is disappointed that so few ran, and states that this was a lesson for the girls— “shared utensils give you creepy conjunctivitis, gory gangrene, bubonic boils, atrocious abscesses, styes, and staphylococcus!” That seems like a good lesson, definitely one that you had to mentally scar the girls about rather than explaining it to them in a rational manner.

Bright searchlights shine upon their faces, instantly reverting their twisted appearances. Gunnero annonuces phase three: embellishments. Mannecants appear with carts full of jewelry which they place on the girls. Shiraz takes a moment to shill Tookie for realizing the previous phase was a trick. The Mannecants then hand out purses and backpacks, with Tookie happening to end up with a Dream Bag, the same kind of bag that Zarpessa had been wearing at B3.

And then the jewelry starts strangling and weighing down everyone. Tookie’s necklace even turns scalding hot and starts strangling her. For this phase, eleven girls run out the Home door. Gunnero makes a comment about Tookie and her three friends surviving, then reveals that the phase was about phony jewelry and accessories, and how it is basically theft from the real fashion designers. Because again, they have to have a torturous test rather than simply say “make sure you don’t wear knockoffs, okay?” After Shiraz spouts out the moral of the phase, Gunnero makes a comment about her being a Lilliputian, a word which Shiraz doesn’t understand.

“Oh, excuse me for being prêt-a-politically-incorrect,” Gunnero simpered. “I believe the acceptable phrase is Five P: Puny Pocket-sized Petite Particle of a Person.”

Ah, the alliteration! It burns!

Tookie considers defending Shiraz, but decides it’s not the time and that she wouldn’t know how anyway. Gunnero introduces phase four: the fashion show. Ten Home doors appear, followed by a giant sewing machine from the ceiling. The sewing machine starts stabbing right through the girls, piercing their skulls and going right through their bodies. And then they disappear. One of the girls who gets stabbed is Desperada, a girl Tookie recognizes from LaDorno Square. Angelîka (from Icylann), however, dodges the needle and runs out of a Home door. The needle draws closer to Tookie, and when she waits for a sharp pain, she suddenly feels like she is upside down, having her clothes torn off (wow, there’s a lot of nudity in this book) and fabric wrapped over her body.

She then finds herself in a giant room, seeing orbs with faces floating about—Kamalini, Zarpessa, Chaste, and eventually Dylan, Piper, and Shiraz. A door then appears, pulsing to the beat of music. Tookie draws closer to the door, and then letters appear one by one near the door: THIS WAY HOME. She watches with glee as Zarpessa and Chaste float away, as they’re jerks and don’t deserve to be in Modelland because Tookie doesn’t like them. Then she watches her friends’ bubbles float through the door, and can’t stop her own from going towards the door. Tookie thinks of her friends as she passes through the door, “[bidding] a silent goodbye to Modelland.”

Will Tookie really be going home? Is this the last of Zarpessa and Chaste? What the hell happened to phase five? These questions, and more questions, will be answered in the next installment.

(Then again, if you don’t know the answer to that first question, you’ve probably forgotten what book this is.)

Tagged as:

Comment

  1. Taku on 2 March 2013, 01:07 said:

    “that looked like it was three-quarters man, one-quarter woman” with a strange gash under their right eye and a strange look on its face

    Y HALLO, ZIGGIE!

    The rest of this reads like a drug-induced hallucination. Appropriate, given it is (one letter too long to be) called the “THC”.

  2. Prince O' Tea on 2 March 2013, 10:22 said:

    I don’t get why Zarpessa thinks Ciel’s fate would be saved by having a famous boyfriend. They just described the Most Famous and Important males in the entire world as being accessories on the same level of tongue studs. Haven’t they been constantly shilling the Intoxibellas as the Elite of the Elite, the Best of the Best, the Creamy de la Creme of the Creamy de la Creme?

    My brain hurts from all the stupid.

  3. sakuuya on 2 March 2013, 11:33 said:

    “We’re“—“from“—“Mini“—“Paul!” Each said a different word in the sentece.

    Mini-Paul = Minneapolis/St. Paul = the Twin Cities are made entirely of twins. I can’t figure out if that’s better or worse than a whole country of albinos.

  4. Brendan Rizzo on 2 March 2013, 12:03 said:

    You know, I think that the BellaDonna is the real villain of this book. If she is supposed to be the goddess of Modelland, then that means that out of all the worlds she could have made, she created one in which superficiality is prized and half the population cares only about modeling clothes. Furthermore, it doesn’t look like she has a problem with slavery (cf. the factory dependents and the Mannecants—what is the point of having living mannequins in the first place?) or in traumatizing children. And speaking of that, if their goal is to eliminate as many as possible in the first round, doesn’t that mean they’re dooming those who leave to lives of poverty? I mean, it’s established that the girls who leave Modelland are forever unable to live normal lives. What kind of academy is this? This is a mockery of the very concept of education.

    Oh, and if Ci~L is in deep trouble for admitting Tookie and her new friends, then how come the BellaDonna hasn’t expelled them yet? Why must consistency be nonexistent in these books?

    tl;dr version: If BellaDonna isn’t the main antagonist by the end of this, I’ll be disappointed.

  5. Apep on 2 March 2013, 12:29 said:

    tl;dr version: If BellaDonna isn’t the main antagonist by the end of this, I’ll be disappointed.

    Of course she’ll turn out to be the main antagonist, she’s called the BellaDonna. If there’s anything we should have learned by this point, it’s that Ms. Banks is about as subtle with her character names as Silver Age comic books.

    But just because it’s about as obvious to us, don’t expect the characters to make that conclusion, even when the BellaDonna inevitably does something Obviously Evil TM, because then the Big Reveal TM wouldn’t be Shocking TM.

  6. lilyWhite on 2 March 2013, 12:47 said:

    “Bella Donna” also means “beautiful woman” in Italian, which is where I suspect Banks got the name from. I don’t think we’d get something as deep as a reference to a poisonous plant from the same person who named her protagonist “Buttocks of the Cream”.

    The rest of this reads like a drug-induced hallucination.

    Really, I think the thought that could sum up most of Modelland would be something along the lines of “Why the hell is this happening?”

    Mini-Paul = Minneapolis/St. Paul = the Twin Cities are made entirely of twins.

    Nice catch! And now I’m really curious to reread and see if there’s any sort of Canada analogue. Not that I’m particularly eager to see what it would be, given what we’ve already seen like Angelîka (from Icylann).

  7. sakuuya on 2 March 2013, 13:53 said:

    And now I’m really curious to reread and see if there’s any sort of Canada analogue. Not that I’m particularly eager to see what it would be, given what we’ve already seen like Angelîka (from Icylann).

    Some guesses on what everyone in [insert dumb name for model-Canada] has:

    • Hair made of maple leaves
    • Beaver teeth (also, they probably eat wood)
    • Giant patterned sweaters with matching toques
    • Smell of syrup
    • Just, like, really thick Canadian accents
  8. Apep on 2 March 2013, 19:23 said:

    “Bella Donna” also means “beautiful woman” in Italian, which is where I suspect Banks got the name from. I don’t think we’d get something as deep as a reference to a poisonous plant from the same person who named her protagonist “Buttocks of the Cream”.

    Maybe, but I’m sticking to my theory until proven wrong. With this type of thing, “guilty until proven innocent” is a good policy.

  9. Prince O' Tea on 2 March 2013, 20:26 said:

    For some reason, I keep wanting the Belladonna to turn out to be some horrific monster woman with sewing needles and scissors in place of fingers, and to be made of bits of fabric and skin sewn together. Like something out of Edward Gorey or Shock Headed Peter.

  10. Forest Purple on 3 March 2013, 15:00 said:

    For some reason, I keep wanting the Belladonna to turn out to be some horrific monster woman with sewing needles and scissors in place of fingers, and to be made of bits of fabric and skin sewn together. Like something out of Edward Gorey or Shock Headed Peter.

    The image that came into my head then was the bedlam from Coraline. That would be an interesting crossover …

  11. Prince O' Tea on 3 March 2013, 16:04 said:

    I thought of that afterwards. It would be nice if the Beldam got to sew Dylan’s mouth shut.

  12. Tim on 3 March 2013, 18:23 said:

    Some guesses on what everyone in [insert dumb name for model-Canada] has:

    You missed “all dressed as Mounties.”

  13. Finn on 5 March 2013, 00:42 said:

    While it is nice that Lizzie doesn’t get forgotten, it’s not nice to be reminded of Tookie’s idiocy and prior lack of a social life (almost certainly due to her refusal to not act in an anti-social manner).

    Hang on, didn’t it mention that Tookie had another friend who was missing? The one she was writing her diary to?

    “WELCOME OUR PROTECTORS, OUR MASONS, AND THE BEST ACCESSORIES SINCE THE TONGUE STUD, OUR BRETHEREN FROM…BESTOSTERONE!”

    I’m getting Marked-style sexism vibes here. By the way, in case anyone was wondering, I still plan on sporking Marked, I just have been very busy lately.

    And now I’m really curious to reread and see if there’s any sort of Canada analogue.

    Unfortunately, Canada seems to be referenced only slightly more often than Belarus and Sealand, because he’s always being forgotten [Hetalia reference, but it’s kind of true]

  14. Apep on 5 March 2013, 10:26 said:

    Hang on, didn’t it mention that Tookie had another friend who was missing? The one she was writing her diary to?

    I believe she was writing to Lizzy in her diary, because Lizzy had disappeared.

  15. lilyWhite on 5 March 2013, 13:05 said:

    Hang on, didn’t it mention that Tookie had another friend who was missing? The one she was writing her diary to?

    That was Lizzie.

  16. Alicia on 4 June 2013, 22:13 said:

    This book makes being a supermodel sound like being kidnapped by a serial killer.