Chapter Thirty – Pact with the Evil Empire

Plouton shows up at the island of Akron with the evil fairies, the Demon Apostle Krassus and Krassus’ “slick servant” Larivier. Plouton is glad to be back on solid land again.

The darkness felt reassuring around him because he enjoyed twilight (page 241).

Insert your favorite Twilight joke here.

They walk in and are suddenly surrounded by armed pirates who demand they identify themselves and state their business. Lorris whips out her index finger (capable of stopping someone’s heart) but Plouton steps forward and gives the pirate captain a death glare. The captain keels over, dead. So for Plouton, a death glare really is a death glare.

“That’s what I call a warm welcome wagon!” The Demon Apostle Krassus nodded. His slick servant Larivier stood like a clown behind Krassus and snickered like a Hyena (page 241).

How do you stand like a clown?

Gertrude orders the pirates to take them to the Shadow Monarch. One of the pirates asks a question, so Plouton kills him with a glare.

“Holy mackrel!” (page 242)

You know, I never thought anyone, especially pirates, would ever actually say that. Although, I guess it makes more sense for a pirate to say something like that. You know, because pirates sail the ocean, and mackrel is a misspelling of mackerel, which is a fish.

After a bit, they get inside to where Geierkralle is sitting on his throne, surrounded by gold and treasure and bottles of rum (both full and empty). Typical scallywag.

Plouton explains that they came to ‘seal the deal’, although I expect he’s using that phrase in a different way than you might expect. Geierkralle is down, but he asks what’s in it for him. This infuriates Gertrude, who screams at him for being stupid and exposits that they already told him that after they won, Geierkralle gets the throne of Tyronia. She kind’ve has a point. Since all of this was discussed before, that was a pretty stupid question.

Larivier, the slick servant of the Demon Apostle Krassus snickered like a Hyena (244).

I get it, Tesch. He’s slick, the DAK is his master, and he snickers like an Unnecessarily Capitalized Hyena.

Geierkralle, who I will refer to from now on as “Geek” because I’m not about to type out that fucking name, wants to know that they’re not lying to him:

“…because everyone knows that the Powers of Darkness come to destroy, to kill and that King Apollyon is the father of all lies!”

“We are not lying to you,” Plouton confirmed warmly (page 244).

See, that’s the problem with liars, it doesn’t matter if you want them to ‘confirm’ things, they still might be lying. Geek, though, is convinced, because as a pirate the thought doesn’t enter his mind that they might be trying to double-cross him. He chugs a bottle of rum and they sign a treaty, which I’m guessing is fit for Geek to wipe his ass on and not much else.

The Club of Evil is about to head off, but then a hottie walks in with a tray of food for Geek. She trips, sending food flying everywhere. Plouton is intrigued, so he asks Geek, who explains that she randomly fell out of the sky and they fished her out of the ocean and now they use her as a slave even though she’s basically useless when it comes to cleaning and serving. Of course, my question is why they don’t just make her work as a whore, since her only redeeming quality is her attractiveness, but I guess Tesch didn’t want to go that route.

After a few more questions, Plouton starts to put the pieces together and converses mentally with Gertrude. They agree that this slave is probably a member of the Gorgonian royal family and that she is ridiculously eyeball-singingly hot.

Plouton buys Krimmy from Geek and grabs her arm. Krimmy bites him and Plouton starts bleeding blue blood. But the Demon Apostle puts Krimmy into a trance and Plouton picks her up and carries her out. By this point, he’s realized who Krimmy is, so he decides that he’s going to try and trade her for the Key to the Underworld.


Chapter Thirty-One – Behind the Scenes

We jump back to the Kingfish Festival and everyone is having a great time except Joey, who is worried about Krimmy. He deals with this by chugging wine, crying, then chugging more wine. He frets about Krimmy, then chugs more wine, and after a bit he starts puking everywhere.

After awhile, Maya stops dancing with Rasmos and goes to see what Joey is up to. She finds him lying on the ground, drunk off his ass and covered in vomit. Joey explains that Krimmy was captured by pirates. Maya reassures him that they’ll rescue Krimmy and puts Joey to bed. She then opens a telepathic comlink with Libertine and Master Dominatio.

Libertine explains that Krimmy is alive, all bout the treaty that Plouton and Geek just signed, and what the battle movements of the Club of Evil will be over the next few weeks, which is fortunate, because it prevents Maya and Joey from actually having to do anything or actually try to fight a war…you know, where they don’t know all the most intimate details of their enemy’s battle plans in advance so they can plan for them and there’s no tension or the slightest chance they might fail?

Maya heads out and explains what’s going on to Rasmos. He’s intrigued and impressed, so naturally he has to verbally cunnilingue Maya:

“Queen Maya, you have the knowledge and the brain of an experienced admiral.” (page 259)

Because an old man and a sentient dove explained all of this to Maya. Of course she’s the genius.

Rasmos agrees to gather their armada and crush the Club of Evil. Then he asks Maya to dance.

Chapter Thirty-Two – No Substitute For Victory

Krimmy angsts. Larivier laughs like a hyena (not Capitalized this time).

Chapter Thirty-Three – Krimhilda’s Journal

This chapter is a little…weird. It’s written oddly and the content is just bizarre. I don’t really know what to make of it so I’ll just relate what happens and you can figure it out.

About thirty riders under the Demon Apostle, who also have Krimmy with hem, surround the estate of a Count. The estate is pretty. Krassus sent some men to purchase provisions and shelter, instead of just taking it, because he’s evil. But apparently the Count’s custodian is unable to make decisions while the Count is gone (and the Count is gone), making him the most worthless custodian ever. So he turns the men away and won’t let them buy anything.

Unsurprisingly, this pisses Krassus off, so he sets the house on fire. His soldiers kill everyone who resists, and the rest of them run off. The house burns to the ground, but the barns are fine, which is good because that’s where all the food is kept.

Meanwhile, Krimmy is hiding in some trees and she hears a mother’s voice reciting a nonsensical poem that apparently is some kind of spell. Which doesn’t work. The mother is carrying a dead baby girl and dragging a little boy who asks where his Dad is. The mother explains that Dad is dead. Krimmy is saddened by this.

Krimmy then sees the custodian talking to the Count…who is hanging out in the woods, apparently. The custodian, whose name is Jeremy, [!!!] explains, over the course of two pages, about everything that happened in excruciating detail. I don’t know why. This entire sequence is completely irrelevant to the story and has absolutely no impact on any of the main characters. I can only assume Tesch threw it in to pad out the story.

Finally, Krimmy pops out from behind a tree and asks them to pass a message on to either Queen Maya or King Joey. They’re slightly astonished, and so am I. Why, precisely, was DAK’s incredibly valuable prisoner left alone in the woods? Why isn’t she…I dunno, being guarded?

Krimmy gives the Count a heavy gold chain to compensate him for the house, because apparently the pirates never bothered to frisk her after they captured her. Or they frisked her and decided to let her keep her incredibly valuable gold chain. Sounds like pirates. The Count and Jeremy take off.

Larivier shows up and laughs like a hyena. Good lord. Tesch, I really don’t give a fuck what his laugh sounds like. So he sounds like a hyena, get over it.

Krimmy yells at Larivier because he’s a ‘slick murderer’ and not very nice. Krassus steps in and they go back to the estate, where a feast is spread out. Krimmy gets some food and retreats to a corner to write in her journal about how much she loves Joey and about everything that has happened to her. Now, I’ve never been kidnapped and held by a Club of Evil, but if I were, one of the things I wouldn’t do is record my innermost thoughts into a journal my enemies could easily take away and then use the contents against me. Maybe that’s just me, though.

And then….we enter Krimmy’s journal, where we remain, in the first person, for the next eight pages. I don’t think I’m going out on a limb here when I say that there are many, many better ways Tesch could have used these eight pages. Mostly because nothing happens. You think I’m joking? Here’s what happens:

They walk. It rains. They cross a river. Krassus smiles. Larivier chuckles. It rains some more. A rock hits Krimmy in the face. Krimmy doesn’t loose her bag, which is good, even though I’d be more worried about if she might LOSE her bag. They ride. There are rocks. There’s a landslide! Krimmy loves Joey. She lands in a swamp. Which is in a pit. So the bad guys lower a rope and Krimmy escapes but another guy dies. It’s very sad.

Random side note: I’ve been working on a sporking of a Hardy Boys book. Would anyone be interested in reading it?

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  1. Soupnazi on 11 February 2012, 19:27 said:

    Random side note: I’ve been working on a sporking of a Hardy Boys book. Would anyone be interested in reading it?


  2. Requiem on 11 February 2012, 19:58 said:

    Hardy Boys, sure why not. After reading your other sporkings on cojugalfelicity it’ll be a nice change from the fantasy genre.

    Well I got my wish and here is the chapter with the villains. They’re so campy, they’re like Adam West Batman villains. I also find it extremely doubtful the pirates wouldn’t loot that wench and use her like a garden tool. Hell even Jack Sparrow got around and that was in a Disney movie.

  3. swenson on 11 February 2012, 20:29 said:

    Hardy Boys? Yeah, that’d be interesting. I loved those books, but even as a kid I recognized they had some pretty severe flaws. For example, I’m pretty sure you can’t get chloroformed that many times without serious brain damage. Would you do the originals or the newer ones? The originals hold more nostalgia for me (obviously), but the new ones are more poorly written, IMO.

    On this spork, though, wow. Nothing really happened, did it? Except for getting us caught up on the bad guys again, because Astrodoulos forbid we have one miniscule half-second of tension or curiosity about what’s going on.

    (Also, I’m inordinately proud of myself for mostly remembering how to spell Astrodoulos, even though we haven’t heard about him for, like, two books now.)

  4. prince o' Tea on 11 February 2012, 21:00 said:

    Dear Diary
    The Goldie Cape and I got kidnapped today. I know I was moaning about how hard it is being a princess and having lots of treasures and jewels and being beautiful and I wish I was poor because it’s so hard being me… but being poor and a slave totally sucks. The pirates only let me keep some of my necklaces, and they tell me to do things I don’t feel like doing. I wish I could be a princess again, so I could make out with princes and feel sorry for myself. Plus the Goldie Cape and I don’t care for shampoo. Why can’t anything ever go right for me? Why does my life suck so much? I haven’t watched Gossip Girl for two weeks. Just because I’m a slave doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have Tivo.

  5. prince o' Tea on 11 February 2012, 21:01 said:

    “Don’t care for cheap shampo” I meant to write. Goldie Capes don’t just happen, people!

  6. LoneWolf on 11 February 2012, 22:16 said:

    Meanwhile, Krimmy is hiding in some trees and she hears a mother’s voice reciting a nonsensical poem that apparently is some kind of spell. Which doesn’t work. The mother is carrying a dead baby girl and dragging a little boy who asks where his Dad is. The mother explains that Dad is dead. Krimmy is saddened by this.

    WTF? Why does Gloria constantly include random creepy parts that play no role in the plot? Though I underestimated Gloria’s capability for foreshadowing, so I rate the possibility of that mother with her boy playing some part in the plot as 50%.

  7. BettyCross on 11 February 2012, 22:41 said:

    How does Larivier laugh again? I can’t remember.

  8. Fireshark on 11 February 2012, 22:53 said:

    Jack Chick takes on the ‘Gothic Movement,’ part 1:

    I’ll upload the rest tomorrow.

    I considered embedding the images, but that would clutter up this fine webpage.

  9. Pryotra on 11 February 2012, 23:16 said:

    Cracking up after reading the comic

    Oh, yeah, animal sacrifice was never, ever in the Bible. Just ask Leviticus, where the Jews are told just how to do one…

    Hardy Boys spork? Sounds entertaining. I’d be willing to read it. Never read them myself, (I, like most little girls, was in a horse/unicorn phase at the right age) but if they’re anything like the Nancy Drew series, then they’re more than ripe for a spork.

    Hey, um, if you guys can Hypnotize the Princess then why is she running around? Wouldn’t it be easily to brainwash her? I mean…you wouldn’t have to waste things with guards and…oh, nevermind.

    You know, the thing that comes to mind now when I think of Larivier…Larry…is a hyena with its fur slicked back wearing a suit with a gold tooth…

  10. LoneWolf on 12 February 2012, 03:25 said:

    I like that Joey got completely smashed on wine, though. That shows that Maradonia is not for kiddies, but is a Dark and Mature Saga!

  11. Ridureyu on 12 February 2012, 16:21 said:

    “I like twilight because I am evil” may be Tesch’s attempt at witty satire.

  12. Fireshark on 12 February 2012, 17:54 said:

    Part 2 of 3

  13. Kurt on 12 February 2012, 18:40 said:

    @Ridureyu: Twilight means night in Maradonia, because the sun never sets there. Tesch uses it in sentences like, “King Pergamon lay on his death bed for twelve twilights.” (quoted from memory)

    @Fireshark: LMAO (not like a hyena!) We should email those cartoons to Tesch and ask for a comment – maybe she’ll like it.

  14. BettyCross on 12 February 2012, 21:01 said:

    Hey, no fair copying the brilliant illustrations of the gifted children’s book artist Marina Tesch.


  15. Fireshark on 12 February 2012, 21:35 said:

    @BettyCross I couldn’t make that part any funnier, so I didn’t try.

  16. Fireshark on 12 February 2012, 23:43 said:

    The exciting conclusion!

  17. Fireshark on 12 February 2012, 23:50 said:

    For some reason, Tinypic rendered that last one kind of small. Damn.

  18. Pryotra on 13 February 2012, 10:01 said:

    You know, it’s only when reading this that I realize just how little sense Glo makes.

    Brilliant work, Fireshark.

  19. Lone Wolf on 13 February 2012, 10:26 said:

    Well, the Alana storyline makes enough sense for a Chick tract.

  20. swenson on 13 February 2012, 12:27 said:

    Fireshark, that was amazing. Pure brilliance. The best part is, it actually seems a lot like a real Chick tract! The random references to how everything is eeeeevil, the out-of-place and usually wrong Biblical references, and so on.

    Also, like Pryotra, I really didn’t quite grasp just how retarded that plotline was until I read that. When you read it broken up in spork form, you tend to lose the overall sense of the story. But good grief, that storyline makes no sense.

  21. TheArmada on 13 February 2012, 12:50 said:

    can you do a Tom swift Spork? Those books are better fodder for sporking.

  22. BettyCros on 13 February 2012, 13:40 said:

    Fireshark’s amazing parody of Jack Chick reminded me to check something. The name “Sutornia” seemed wrong, so I checked it. Sure enough, that’s the way it’s spelled in “Gold of Ophir.”

    I remembered the name as Supornia. To my great surprise, I find I have a dirty mind.

  23. Lone Wolf on 14 February 2012, 00:20 said:

    Actually, the Alana storyline makes more sense then 90% of everything else in the ‘Maradonia-Saga-Series by Gloria Tesch’.

  24. Fireshark on 14 February 2012, 01:26 said:

    Gloria talks about how reading a lot inspired her to write. I don’t know what all she’s read, and she wasn’t specific.

    -The Bible
    -Magic Treehouse
    -Books about various mythologies

    -A few political and economic essays she didn’t really understand

    What else can we be sure of, or at least pretty close?

  25. BettyCross on 14 February 2012, 13:01 said:

    The question posed to her was, “Do you like reading or writing more?”

    For me, the answer is definitely reading. I can read for relaxation, but writing is hard work.

  26. Pryotra on 14 February 2012, 14:26 said:

    Various Mythologies my “butt”.

    If she’s lucky she’s read some Ancient Greek stuff made family friendly. Probably browsed on wiki.

    By the way, showing her lack of knowledge, if the Club of Evil was keeping unicorns, then they all had to be virgins. Some of the earliest writings on them hinted on that horn being used to em…skewer…the unworthy.

  27. Fireshark on 14 February 2012, 14:44 said:

    That’s not to say she understands anything about mythology. But judging from the hodgepodge of names, and vague references to different mythologies, she has at least read a few Wikipedia articles. Maybe not books.

  28. BettyCross on 14 February 2012, 19:40 said:

    She picked up the Latin name of Carthage and replaced the C with a K just to make it look different (or maybe as a shout-out to her German heritage).

  29. Prince O' Tea on 15 February 2012, 08:57 said:

    Fireshark that was amazing.

    Yeah I’m guessing Glo’s knowledge of mythology are probably a few half assed skimmings of wikipedia. I doubt she reads the non-picture-book-friendly versions of greek mythology, where lusty gods kidnap attractive princes for sexytime, or priestesses and princesses are punished by jerkass gods for getting raped.

  30. swenson on 15 February 2012, 09:53 said:

    I just realized that the pirate island is called Akron. Now, that may be something from mythology (perhaps as Acron, and she just did a switch-out-the-C thing again?), but when I see Akron… all I can think about is the city of Akron, Ohio, and I’m picturing the Forces of Eeeeevil and a bunch of pirates having a standoff in the middle of it.

  31. BettyCross on 15 February 2012, 11:05 said:

    Warm welcome wagon???

    If you want to know what a Welcome Wagon was, this is it:

    They went out of business in 1998.

    Since it was an American institution, it makes no sense for one of the demons in Mard-Land to compare the welcome he received to a Welcome Wagon.

  32. swenson on 15 February 2012, 12:42 said:

    Eh, I’m going to give Miz Tesch a pass on this one. People still use the phrase “bring out the welcome wagon” all the time, at least in my part of the world. It’s still a strange thing for a demon from a different world to say, but the phrase at least makes vague sense to me. I actually never knew it was a business before!

  33. Jaggers on 15 February 2012, 14:53 said:

    But the phrase is a mixed metaphor, combining a “warm welcome” with the “welcome wagon”. I suppose “warm” could be modifying “wagon” along with “welcome”, but it just sounds weird. Why would the welcome wagon be warm? Or why wouldn’t it be warm? If it’s a welcome wagon, shouldn’t it be comfortable?

    Could you put more Ploutons on my salad, sir?

  34. Erin on 15 February 2012, 18:48 said:

    Standing like a clown, huh? I imagine Larivier having
    trouble maintaing his balance due to the big red shoes he’s wearing.
    Oh, and he’s also snickering like a hyena. Or a Hyena.

    Fireshark, that comic was amazing.

  35. Pryotra on 15 February 2012, 21:36 said:

    Larry the Evil Clown. At least that would be somewhat creepy.

    Another thing that I don’t think Glo quite grasps is the meaning of an ‘empire’. Like Paolini she seems to see it as any evil dictatorship. Hense getting confused with ‘king’ and ‘emperor’.

    What’s stupid is that if she was doing the empire thing right (a single person who rules multiple states with unique cultures) she could have gotten away with her asinine naming. But Ye Olde Genericke Fantasee Lande doesn’t seem to work that way…

  36. swenson on 16 February 2012, 16:43 said:

    I can’t believe I forgot to mention this the first time I commented on this, but when I read this line:

    “Queen Maya, you have the knowledge and the brain of an experienced admiral.”

    I totally read it as:

    “Queen Maya, you have the knowledge and the brain of an experienced animal.”

    I was highly amused until I reread it.

  37. BettyCross on 22 February 2012, 16:07 said:

    “Queen Maya, you have the knowledge and the brain of an experienced admiral.”

    But without the experience. Neither of the Sues has to earn the skills they acquire. They just happen.

  38. Catflap on 23 March 2012, 01:24 said:

    “What else can we be sure of, or at least pretty close?”

    Krimhilda & Brunhilda – Tesch’s spellings – are from Germanic mythology.

    Brunhilde was one of the Valkyries. Brunhilde was the bride of the hero Siegfried, slayer of the dragon Fafnir. ISTM that Tesch may have picked up a few hints, either from Wagner’s Ring Cycle, or the Volsunga Saga, the origin of these details, (she calls her story a saga); or from its Germanic re-telling. I’ll go with a Germanic source. Maybe her parents listen to Wagner.

    The mermaid Morgana has the same name as Morgana la fay, the sorceress-sister of King Arthur (who name also appears in Tesch, in slightly altered form) A fay being a fairy (in the Tolkienian sense), & Morgana the fay being evil, we have a source for Tesch’s evil fairies.

    “Ophir, Tartessus, and Punt” – all places in the Old Testament.

    There are sure to be other sources

  39. Licht on 16 May 2012, 22:30 said:

    You’re not implying that the Nibelungenlied itself is a re-telling of the Völsunga Saga, are you? Because that would be wrong.
    Wagner’s version, however, is very much based on it. That’s true.

    There’s a chance that Gloria simply happend to watch one of those crappy late-night documentaries.

  40. Sevansl Canzate on 28 April 2013, 16:05 said:

    The structure of the sentences, the names and all this flinging around of “aphorisms” kinda makes me think Tesch’s first language really is German. As is mine.

  41. HamsterZerg on 16 December 2013, 13:07 said:

    @Sevansl Canzate: But as a native English speaker, even I write more coherent English than her!