Chapter Twenty-Five – The Night Crawler

I’m guessing that this chapter is either going to be about worms or a blue teleporting mutant.

Joey is pleased that they have a deal with Karthago, so he talks to himself about this as he heads to bed.

“Yes, I am tired,” he whispered (page 206).

Which is exactly what I do when I’m tired. I remind myself, out loud, that I am tired.

He goes to sleep and has a dream where he’s in the pit of fire in the Underworld surrounded by zombies screaming at him, understandably pissed that Joey didn’t try to help them the last time he was there. I actually kind of like this scene, although I wish Joey had this dream and woke up screaming every single night of his rotten life.

Joey wakes up and lays recovering for a while. Suddenly he sees a small figure crawling towards him. He reacts appropriately.

“Holy cow!” He hollered (page 208).

This is the same kid who told his sister “Over the tree, dumb shit!”

Joey starts throwing pillows and blankets at the figure, which scurries away, and as it passes the light he realizes it’s actually Princess Adele. He asks her what the hell she’s doing in his room, and here he actually does use “hell.” I’m really not sure what Tesch is going for here. Who exactly uses “holy cow” nowadays, besides people who don’t curse?

He looks around for a bit and finds a secret door, so he props a chair against it to keep Adele from sneaking back in. Then he notices his backpack is open and realizes Adele must have come in to try and steal the Key. Fortunately, Joey stopped her before she did. Well, Joey, I hope you’ve learned your lesson about showing your super-secret advanced weaponry to little kids. And no, that’s not a sexual euphemism.

Chapter Twenty-Six – Fishermen’s Wharf Island

The next day Joey gets up and makes sure that he locks his backpack inside the shelf. I’m not sure how you lock something inside a shelf, but I’m also not sure why Joey doesn’t carry the Key around with him. This is not exactly something you want to leave behind in your hotel room.

They have breakfast and decide to head out to go fishing, because it’s raining and the Karthaginian King Fish always comes out after it rains. Joey is pleased, because he’s awesome at fishing. Prediction: Joey is going to catch one.

They head outside and Rasmos talks about their big harbors. At the War Harbor, they have 270 warships permanently stationed. Hmmm. That seems kind’ve high. I’m not exactly an expert on ships or how many can be stationed at a harbor, but some quick Googling tells me that at Port of Rotterdam, one of the largest ports in the world, 36,000 ships arrive per year, or about 98 per day. So. I guess it’s theoretically possible.

Then Rasmos says at another harbor, there’s a thousand merchant ships. Okay then.

They board the yacht, which is called the Rising Sun, and head out. Joey immediately starts finding the fishing poles and starts singing one of his old fisherman songs:

“Rain or Shine, fishing is fine!” (page 213)

I have no words.

Rasmos and Maya talk about dolphins, since there’s a bunch of dolphins swimming near them. Maya loves dolphins, of course. It isn’t that surprising, but seriously, fuck dolphins.

Maya tells Rasmos the entire story about how the mermaids destroyed the ships, in great detail, which I assume is because Tesch need to fill up the page. Rasmos asks her how she stayed underwater for so long without air. Maya doesn’t want to tell Rasmos about the magical shell, for some reason, so she distracts him by telling him how pretty he looks today, which works like a charm.

After a bit they see a school of Kingfish, so Joey baits his hook and tosses it in and immediately gets a bite. He has a difficult time pulling it in though.

Joey was fighting with all his power. Then he started to sweat. It was a fight. Big sweat pearls rolled over Joey’s face, but he did not care (page 217).

Because it was a fight. And he was sweating. It was a sweaty fight. A fight with sweatiness.

Eventually, with the help of some of the other guys on the boat, they pull the fish in. Joey is pleased as punch and declares it the pinnacle of his fishing career. And I still don’t care.

Maya decides to take a dip, so she changes clothes, gets her bag, and is heading out when she’s intercepted by Rasmos, who asks her if she really likes him. Maya thinks about General Henry and frets:

‘Is this the beginning of a hopeless love triangle?’ (page 219)

But she doesn’t give Rasmos a straight answer. They kiss. And then Maya jumps off the yacht. Once she’s underwater, she pulls the magical shell out of her bag and starts swimming around collecting rocks.

Meanwhile, Rasmos waits for Maya to surface and when he doesn’t he flips his shit, tears his uniform off, and dives in after her. Of course, he can’t find her, so he gets ‘real nervous’.

Naturally, Maya hasn’t even thought that the fact that she’d be diving underwater and not coming back up might possibly cause anyone some alarm, so she is continuing to fret about her situation by thinking to herself in complete, awkwardly phrased sentences:

“It seems that I have feelings for two different men at the same time!” (page 220)

It does seem that way.

Rasmos runs to fetch Joey and explains what happened, but Joey is unconcerned because Maya is a “strange bird” who has the gift of survival. Then he picks up a dead fish and kisses it.

“Right fishy? Our Maya is a survivor, she is always coming back!”

Prince Rasmos, still wet and shaken asked with a trembling voice, “What kind of people are you?!” (page 221)

Sociopaths. Assholes. Also slightly insane.

Chapter Twenty-Seven – The Kingfish Festival

Maya gets back and refuses to tell Rasmos how she survived. Luckily for her, Rasmos is so happy she’s not dead that he doesn’t press the issue. They head back in. As they pass the Mercantile Harbor, one of the generals looks at a warehouse built over the water. There’s a few ships covered in tarp, but the golden tip of the ship is poking out. Not in that way, you perverts. The general is suspicious because the tip is a golden unicorn, and they don’t have ships like that. So they sail over and pull the tarp off and holy shit! It’s the missing gold ships from Selinka, from the last book! What a massive coincidence that they would be missing for so long and just randomly turn up in this warehouse where they’d be casually noticed by someone on the ship that our two heroes were on when he was glancing over and saw the tip of a golden unicorn poking out from beneath a tarp.

The general says he’ll have a crew clean up the ships and have them sent back.

They head back in to attend the Kingfish Festival and Tesch spends some time describing everything. It’s very fancy. Someone offers Joey wine, but he turns them down because he doesn’t drink wine. Instead, he thinks about how he misses his family and Krimmy, which is kind of a nice moment.

Nothing happens for a few pages. They officially sign the treaty and nothing continues to happen for a few more pages. Finally Princess Adele asks Joey to dance, and he agrees, and she apologizes for trying to steal his shit.

Chapter Twenty-Eight – Jody & Jolena

A servant gives Joey a message written in a language he doesn’t understand, and says a couple maidservants of a princess showed up on Griffins. Joey takes off and finds the maidservants. Who apparently speak English, they just can’t write it. They tell Joey everything that happened to Krimmy, in detail. He’s worried, but he tells them not to talk to anyone about what has happened and sends them to the feast to get some food. However, Princess Adele was eavesdropping outside the door and immediately runs back and tells Queen Miranda.

Miranda sees Joey sitting at a table trying to figure out what to do. She goes over and asks him what’s going on. Joey tries to hold it together but quickly breaks down and starts sobbing and tells her everything. Miranda holds him for a bit and finally gives him a big hug and has to leave for a meeting of some kind.

I don’t have too many complaints about this scene. It’s actually a fairly natural reaction for a naïve fifteen-year-old boy who is clearly in way over head. On the other hand, this is yet another reason why Joey is completely and utterly unqualified to be the supreme military commander.

A steward comes up and offers Joey a chalice of wine. Joey accepts and chugs the entire thing.

Chapter Twenty-Nine – The Shadow Monarch

Geierkralle, the shadow monarch of Tyronia, isn’t a very nice person.

Drinks: 46

Tagged as: ,


  1. BettyCross on 26 January 2012, 21:39 said:

    Maya loves to manipulate men’s feelings, like with the magical shell. This should be a warning to any teen boy in the Tampa Bay area who wants to date Gloria.

  2. Requiem on 26 January 2012, 22:14 said:

    Meh not a very exciting number of chapters. When are we going to see these dinophant’s? When are they going to get their armies and head to war? When are we going to see this other key of the underworld?

    I really shouldn’t be this giddy, but these chapters don’t do much for a reader looking for action, exposition, or character development.

  3. Rorschach on 26 January 2012, 22:27 said:

    If it makes you feel any better, Plouton and the Demon Apostle Crassus show up in the next chapter.

  4. VikingBoyBilly on 26 January 2012, 23:09 said:

    Geierkralle, the shadow monarch of Tyronia, isn’t a very nice person.

    How many pages was in that chapter? I could feel your pain trying to sum up whatever was going on there, and decided to cop-out with a one-sentance summary.

    Someone offers Joey wine, but he turns them down because he doesn’t drink wine.

    A steward comes up and offers Joey a chalice of wine. Joey accepts and chugs the entire thing.

    nice consistency, gloria.

  5. swenson on 26 January 2012, 23:20 said:

    Plouton and the Demon Apostle Crassus show up in the next chapter.


    “Right fishy? Our Maya is a survivor, she is always coming back!”

    Oh my word, I love this line. I love it so much. SO MUCH. It went in my file of awesome Maradonia quotes, which I realized I haven’t been keeping up with much lately.

    Geierkralle, the shadow monarch of Tyronia, isn’t a very nice person.

    Excellent summary. I applaud you for the hard work you put into this.

  6. Rorschach on 26 January 2012, 23:33 said:

    Chapter 29 was approximately 1 1/4 pages long, and contained almost nothing but summary. Little gems like

    was an absolutely cruel man


    It was sheer joy for him to watch other people in pain.

    and the rest was just summary about him being angry and then there’s a little bit talking about what they use for firewood.

    I think my summary did the chapter justice.

  7. LoneWolf on 27 January 2012, 03:30 said:

    Poor princess Adele, she had Joey throw pillows at her.
    I actually liked these chapters, especially the “hopeless love triangle” line.

  8. WulfRitter on 27 January 2012, 05:23 said:

    Does this train wreck never end? Every chapter makes me think I’m going further and further down the rabbit hole of a horrible trip.

  9. Taku on 27 January 2012, 06:30 said:

    “Someone offers Joey wine, but he turns them down because he doesn’t drink wine.”

    Ahem. I never drink… wine.

    “A steward comes up and offers Joey a chalice of wine. Joey accepts and chugs the entire thing.”


    Given the amount of poison in this totally different world, why is anybody chugging anything offered to them by random stewards? Especially somebody who has made public his possession of the ultimate weapon of evil stolen from Hell itself.

  10. LoneWolf on 27 January 2012, 09:48 said:

    I actually want Adele to steal the Key and declare herself to be the Queen of Maradonia. She might make a better job at it then Maya and Joey.

  11. BettyCross on 27 January 2012, 12:15 said:

    The thought of Joe[y], keeper of the Key with its devastating powers, knocking off an entire goblet of wine with one gulp is deeply disturbing.

  12. Pryotra on 27 January 2012, 13:30 said:

    The sheer badness of how Glo writes this romance is getting funnier and funnier the longer it goes. It seems I have feelings for two different men at the same time is probably the best unintentionally hilarious line about romance this side of Twilight.

    Geierkralle, the shadow monarch of Tyronia, isn’t a very nice person. I wouldn’t be either if my name had three vowels in a row that way. I mean seriously, who would name their kid that. It looks like the sound that my cat makes when she’s got hairball. That guy must have been teased every day of his life. (Shadow Monarch? What’s wrong Glo? Isn’t Dark Lord cliche enough for you? You’re just saying the same thing a different way.)

  13. Kurt on 27 January 2012, 14:19 said:

    The thought of Joe[y], keeper of the Key with its devastating powers, knocking off an entire goblet of wine with one gulp is deeply disturbing.

    At this moment, I’m pretty happy that he left the Key in his Super Big Backpack.

    Geierkralle, the shadow monarch of Tyronia, isn’t a very nice person. I wouldn’t be either if my name had three vowels in a row that way.

    The name is German. You pronounce it like Guyerkrahlle. Since it means “Vulture Claw”, feel free to mock him anyway.

  14. Prince o Tea on 27 January 2012, 14:30 said:

    I hope he uses the Goldie Cape of the Princess as firewood. He’s so evil he actually likes the stink of burning hair.

  15. Pryotra on 27 January 2012, 16:03 said:

    Since it means “Vulture Claw”, feel free to mock him anyway.

    And so I shall. Another reason to be evil. Lame name meanings. I bet no one else in the Club of Evil takes him seriously.

    He’s so evil he actually likes the stink of burning hair.

    I bet he likes that flavor you get in your mouth when you drink milk and then a glass of orange juice too.

  16. Fireshark on 27 January 2012, 18:14 said:

    Gloria Tesch talks economics and bemoans her generation’s love of crappy entertainment. Then she basically asks the government to control everything people watch.

  17. LoneWolf on 27 January 2012, 18:32 said:

    Ahhahaaahahaha! I love it when Gloria goes all moralistic on us!

  18. Requiem on 27 January 2012, 18:47 said:

    A shadow lord is just a dragon to the bigger bad dark lord.

    But I don’t think anyone seriously who calls their empire “evil” and their membership group a club. That alone just makes me laugh no matter how badass you think you are. But then again maybe these enemies are just at the right level to be suitable to the sueness.

    On another note who thinks it’d be awesome if Sephiroth, Galactus, and Sauron posed a threat to Maradonia? I mean if they were here they might actually stand to outsmart, overpower, or corrupt every single thing in this place.

  19. BettyCross on 27 January 2012, 19:36 said:

    Now we know why the Mards are so happy: No television!

  20. LoneWolf on 27 January 2012, 20:19 said:

    But the ‘People of Maradonia’ are not that happy. Remember, they were constantly rebelling against Maya and Joey? I bet Apollyon watches MTV every day.

  21. Prince o' Tea on 27 January 2012, 21:39 said:

    So Gloria thinks most people today are corrupt and slutty and evil, but she charges hundreds of dollars for her books, and her “virtuous heroine” coldly and calculatingly uses her appearance to manipulate a prince into doing what she wants with a detachment that would make Mata Hairi blush?

    Ah well, at least her the bulk of her books contradict her egotistical views. I mean she is using writing as a fast track to celebritydom the same way the people she’s decrying are using reality tv, for a start.

  22. Pryotra on 28 January 2012, 10:44 said:

    @Requiem- If just one of them were there, our so called heroes wouldn’t stand a chance. It would be…entertaining…to see them against Sephiroth…

    I doubt that Glo even knows anything about the shows she’s complaining about. It’s just they’re not reading her books, therefore they’re all slutty and corrupt and evil because they’re not interested in their books. It’s standard Sue thinking. ‘Anyone who doesn’t think I’m God is evil and must be punished’.

  23. BettyCross on 28 January 2012, 13:41 said:

    Her parents probably don’t even have cable TV, to protect Gloria and Jonathan and Benji from corrupting influences.

    Very likely all her friends of her age are kids she knows from church.

  24. LoneWolf on 28 January 2012, 15:39 said:

    Well, we don’t really know to what extent Gloria is sheltered as opposed to spoiled. She definitely seems to have at least passing familiarities with the shows she’s talking about.

  25. Prince o' Tea on 28 January 2012, 18:55 said:

    Agreed with Pryotra. Remember when Glo complained that everyone who didn’t buy one of her books was clearly a braindead, illiterate videogame junkie, for a start.

    Though I am wondering, does Glo even know what the word “materialism” (and to a lesser extent, the word commercialism) even means? It seems to be her favorite catch-all term for everything she dislikes. If she actually means materialism, then she is a complete hypocrite, what with trying to convince people to pay hundreds of dollars for her out of print “collector’s editions”, flogging other people’s stolen artwork and the whole “MY BOOKS ARE GOING TO BE BESTSELLERS, BLOCKBUSTERS MOVIES AND HAVE THEIR OWN THEMEPARK!” thing.

    Still, I would expect most of what we are reading are not her own views, but of those of her stage parents.

  26. BettyCross on 28 January 2012, 21:29 said:

    “Bridges” at Amazon is only offering used books from 3rd party resellers, at prices ranging from $16 to $66.

    “Ophir” has only one left at $99 and several more starting at $19.

    How much would you pay for a new 800 page paperback book? In American money, I don’t think I’d pay more than $30-35, unless it had lots and lots of full color internal illustrations.

    I can’t imagine how in the world the Tesches thought they could market their daughter’s books for $99.

  27. Fireshark on 28 January 2012, 21:48 said:

    @Prince Well, I doubt Gloria herself sets the prices, or even gets most of the money. I don’t think she’s greedy, so much as that she believes she deserves fame and a movie series. That has more to do with her high opinion of her own work than with materialism.

  28. Soupnazi on 28 January 2012, 23:55 said:

    Keep in mind that the books are 800 pages, but are only that length because of large font size, huge margins, and poor formatting. I believe someone estimated the actual wordcounts of the books to be around 50,000-70,000 words, which is usually about 200-300 pages (and that’s being generous).

  29. prince of tea on 29 January 2012, 09:18 said:

    Her family does insist that the first copies are “collector’s editions” so I can’t really imagine who sets those prices that high… Unless we have a few trolls (there are a few members of Team Tesch insisting that the first editions of seven bridges will be worth hundreds of dollars one day.)

    Oh and Soupnazi, all of those books have now been split in half, so now all of her books are probably only half of that now. It makes her “nancy yi fan isnt a novelist since she only wrote a hundred and fifty pages but I wrote an eight hundred page novel!!!” Even more hilarious since her books are probbly the same length of Swordbird now. Maybe even less.

  30. LoneWolf on 29 January 2012, 09:46 said:

    The $99 price is probably some book reselling scam, unconnected to the Team.

  31. Pryotra on 29 January 2012, 11:39 said:

    I’d doubt that anyone serious would ask that much for them, but…then again…the Team has shown themselves to be pretty weird before. (With the obviously fake reviews and such)

    Another thing, I took a class on Ancient History, and I’m almost certain that what Glo said about the Ancient Greeks and Romans is about as much of a cup of crap as her books are. First of all, Greece was a bunch of unconnected city states, and Athens and Sparta (who pretty much had their systems copied by everyone else) sure didn’t have that system. Athens had a system of every free man being equal and able to vote on anything. Sparta had a very militaristic system where everyone was raised as a soldier and through their talent could advance. In both cases, everyone was equal, and there was no name for the division of talent or ‘importance’. Rome had two classes, Patrician and Plebeian. Rather like nobles and commoners. Then they added citizen and not citizen as time went on.

    I’m pretty sure that Glo is attributing the names we give to different ranking wolves and saying that it was Greek and Roman to make herself sound smarter than she is. As she never does any real research, I’m not surprised…

    Now, I could be wrong, (it’s been a while since that class) but I’m pretty sure my professor would have mentioned this.

  32. LoneWolf on 29 January 2012, 12:11 said:

    Gloria had read something about Huxley’s Brave New World, and then decided that Greek letters always signify something Ancient Greek.

  33. Rorschach on 29 January 2012, 16:01 said:

    The $99 price is probably some book reselling scam

    Eh, not really a scam. Laws of supply and (supposed) demand. For awhile there Amazon was the only place you could actually buy Tesch’s books, and there weren’t many copies. Probably some book seller hoping to make a sweet sale for an out of print book, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

    I highly doubt anyone actually bought the books at the $99 price.

  34. BettyCross on 29 January 2012, 19:19 said:

    She sold them from a display table in malls and at book fairs and such, but in those venues I doubt seriously anybody bought one for $99. Of course, all those events are in the Tampa Bay area and New Port Richey, but those can only go so far.

  35. Minoan Ferret on 29 January 2012, 23:22 said:


    You’re right. Having studied Classics for four years, I’ve never heard of any Greek or Roman class systems that even come close to what Glo’s rambling on about there. I wonder where she learns her “history” (other than the Bible).

  36. Prince O Tea on 30 January 2012, 08:43 said:

    If it’s the Athenian system she’s going on about, then I wonder what she thinks about the fact that even though the Athenian system was ahead of its time in many ways, women were still barred from voting and were not even considered full citizens, if I remember correctly.

    I am pretty sure I’ve seen TT hawking their books at marked up prices, but I’m not exactly sure where. I may be getting confused. The fact that they insist their books should be worth hundreds of dollars did make me link them to the hundred dollar ones.

  37. Kurt on 30 January 2012, 11:03 said:

    I am pretty sure I’ve seen TT hawking their books at marked up prices, but I’m not exactly sure where.

    In the last page of this newsletter , she wants $380.00 for a “Collectors Item” of Book 1, “and we expect that the prize will go up.”

    In your dreams, Gloria.

  38. BettyCross on 30 January 2012, 18:20 said:

    The newsletter was a hoot. She says she spent some time in New York, Europe, and Russia trying to do some publishing deals. Obviously nothing came of all these efforts or she would have told us so.

  39. Prince O'Tea on 30 January 2012, 22:36 said:

    Wow, I thought she was only selling them for a hundred. She certainly has no leg to stand on about materialism and commercialism anymore.

    380? Seriously Gloria… No. Just. No.

  40. BettyCross on 31 January 2012, 10:21 said:

    That “Crassus the demon apostle” thing has been bothering my brain for a while. I’m now starting to wonder if it’s a veiled reference to the pope. The Popes are the successors of St. Peter, who was an apostle, and live in Rome, Crassus being a Roman name. If the Tesches believe the Roman Church is under demonic influence, then the Pope is a Demon Apostle.

    I may be overthinking this.

  41. Fireshark on 31 January 2012, 10:35 said:

    I can only hope you are, because that would be painful to read about. And I’m not even Catholic.

  42. Vikingboybilly on 31 January 2012, 10:44 said:

    Gloria is referring to Ninja Turtle personalities, or the four muses.

    Alpha – Leonardo
    Beta – Donatello
    Gamma – Michelangelo
    Delta – Raphael

    See, Gloria knows her stuff.

  43. Pryotra on 31 January 2012, 20:31 said:

    @Betty: Didn’t you know? We eviiiil Papists are trying to rule the world. Just ask John Chick. He’s got something about us having a computer that has every Protestant’s name on it, and when we finally take over the world with the help of atheists and college professors, we’ll kill of them. Oh, and we have all the money and have crazy parties all the time.

    Seriously though, I’m not surprised. It wouldn’t have been a proper Born Again Christian book with bashing the Roman Catholic Church. And then they claim to follow Christ’s teachings. Such is life.

    @Viking: Now that makes sense!

  44. Fireshark on 31 January 2012, 23:41 said:

    Yeah, Jack Chick is the best (worst?). He also claimed that the Catholic Church invented Islam to lead people astray, and that the Jesuits were created as an evil secret pseudomilitary force to do… er, something. He wasn’t too clear.

    But I don’t know about Crassus. Let’s see what he’s like next chapter. Because whatever he is, it’ll be stupid.

  45. Pryotra on 1 February 2012, 08:31 said:

    That’s the problem with Chick, he sometimes doesn’t seem to be able to make sense of his own conspiracy theories. It’s both amusing and slightly disturbing that people believe it. I have a vague memory of an end of the world scenario that involved psycho nazi children and an alliance between the Catholic Church and the New Age priests. Never mind of course that ‘New Age’ is just a broad term that encompasses a lot of different ideas.

    I wonder if Glo reads his work.

  46. LoneWolf on 1 February 2012, 10:04 said:

    Well, the Alana storyline at the beginning of “Ophir” is vaguely Chick-ish. That’s the only evidence of his influence I can find, though.

  47. swenson on 1 February 2012, 13:24 said:

    On the topic of Alpha/Beta/Delta/Gamma, I must admit to thinking about Red vs. Blue, as I so often do because it’s the greatest show evar. However, I really doubt we’d want RvB’s Alpha in charge. Even back when he was, you know, “whole”, he was still a jerk.

  48. Fireshark on 1 February 2012, 13:40 said:

    @LoneWolf If I get the time, I could do a mock-up tract of the death scene from Ophir in Chick’s style. Could be worth a few lulz.

  49. swenson on 1 February 2012, 15:24 said:

    @Fireshark – that would be AMAZING!

  50. BettyCross on 1 February 2012, 20:55 said:

    @Fireshark, please include the scene in the principal’s office where the visiting sorceresses float around the room and take off their heads.

  51. Pryotra on 1 February 2012, 21:12 said:

    @Fireshark: I want it. I want it very, very badly. You could end with an advertisement for the Club of Evil or something.

  52. Prince O Tea on 1 February 2012, 23:33 said:

    That will teach them for using oujia boards, dressing goffick and Loving the Salsa Dance.

  53. Fireshark on 3 February 2012, 23:44 said:

    So, I’m working on that now.

  54. swenson on 6 February 2012, 12:27 said:

    @Betty – I forgot about that most excellent scene! Also be sure to include the part where Alana Terrence dies horribly for daring to dislike Maya and/or playing with a Ouija board.

    I have reached the end of my road. There is no return for me!

  55. VikingBoyBilly on 6 February 2012, 12:36 said:

    What Gloria thinks of us reading her books:

  56. BettyCross on 6 February 2012, 18:54 said:

    Any kind of feedback Gloria gets “makes me feel good about myself,” even when people mention what they don’t like. Not surprisingly, she shows no inclination to improve her work after hearing feedback.

  57. Prince O'Tea on 6 February 2012, 20:43 said:


    Everything between “We Love the Salsa Dance” and “Thud” is probably the most hilarious part of the entire saga so far. I’m so excited for it.

  58. Fireshark on 7 February 2012, 01:48 said:

    Do you guys think the “Salsa dance” line was actually intended to be an innuendo?

  59. LoneWolf on 7 February 2012, 03:28 said:

    Anything’s possible with Gloria.

  60. Kurt on 7 February 2012, 08:46 said:

    Prince O’Tea:

    There’s one final twist to the story of Alana: She doesn’t die in the car crash. She’s brought to the hospital, where she dies in the emergency room. Her last words were: “I hate you!”, said to her Mum. ( p.119-120 in Book 2 ).

  61. Pryotra on 7 February 2012, 19:26 said:

    That “unrepentant sinnah” who loved the “salsa dance” and was “goffic”. Now we can add “not honoring her mother” to her list of offenses.

    But you can’t hide from the fanbase, Glo. Nothing can stop us from writing fanfic with Alana as the main character who saves the world from the scourge of Maya and Joey…nothing…

  62. BettyCross on 7 February 2012, 21:50 said:

    But you can’t hide from the fanbase, Glo.

    We’re not her fans, not really. Do we qualify as a Hatedom? Somehow that doesn’t fit either. I don’t really hate the Maradonia books. In fact, I rather enjoy them, but in the way I used to enjoy watching Japanese monster movies being riffed by Joel (or Mike) and the bots on Mystery Science Theater 3000.

  63. LoneWolf on 7 February 2012, 22:00 said:

    I prefer the phrase “pseudo-fandom”.

  64. Fireshark on 7 February 2012, 22:50 said:

    I like either “Pack of haters,” or “Book club.”

  65. vikingboybilly on 8 February 2012, 09:07 said:

    “video gamers”

  66. Pryotra on 8 February 2012, 10:57 said:

    I kind of see us as fans the way that the people who write “Brewdening Love” fanfic are fans.

    So…I think ‘video gamers’ would be closest. After all, ErinoftheCullenClan called her reviewers ‘sinnahs’ and Tara Gilesbie called hers ‘preps’. It’s hard to really say what we are.

    ….Bored sadists? Or maybe that’s just me…

  67. Prince O'Tea on 8 February 2012, 19:56 said:

    Kurt – She survives, just to tell her mother she hated her? I actually feel sorry for Lyndsay now.

    Also, when do we find out that the Salsa Dancing mother dies? Leah Dellaire said Alanna and her mother both die in Gold of Ophir.

    Hmmm. Names for us:
    The Goffick Movement
    The Club of Evil
    The Evil Empire
    The Consumers
    The Corrupt and Mediocre Generation
    The Salsa Dancers
    The But What About Poisoners
    The Video Gamers

    I like Club of Evil. Mother Earth Song, anyone?

  68. BettyCross on 8 February 2012, 20:24 said:

    The Corrupt and Mediocre Generation

    I vote for that one, or CMG for short.

  69. Pryotra on 8 February 2012, 20:54 said:

    Club of Evil for me please!

  70. Kurt on 9 February 2012, 08:16 said:

    I vote for Club of Evil with the slogan, “Because we believe in teamwork!”

    @Prince O’Tea: Alana’s mother Lindsey doesn’t die in the book. She gets knocked out by a flying bottle of wine, but she is present when Alana says her last words in the emergency room. That’s the last time Lindsey is mentioned. Guess that Leah didn’t really read the book she was supposed to edit.

    Also, Gloria can’t agree on the spelling of Alana’s name. In Book 1 she’s called Alana Terence, in book 2 she’s Alana Terrence or Terrance.

  71. Prince O'Tea on 9 February 2012, 09:26 said:

    Wow… Leah Dellaire’s credibility goes even further then the toilet. And when you thought it couldn’t go anywhere further.

    And not only do we believe in teamwork, we play hardball.

  72. BettyCross on 9 February 2012, 14:17 said:

    There never was anything professional about the Maradonia books. Not the writing, not the marketing, not the alleged “editing,” nothing!

  73. BettyCross on 9 February 2012, 14:29 said:

    Check out Gloria’s Facebook page. She has posted lot of short videos of herself answering specific questions.

    For instance, “Writing is a feeling.”

    She speaks of being taken over by her inspiration and writing non-stop on some days, while on other days she finds herself staring at the blank page, so she goes for a walk to settle her mind. These are common experiences. However, she doesn’t speak of how hard it is to write quality fiction, and how many revisions it takes her to get a book reading right.

    This confirms what she’s told us before, that she doesn’t think it’s necessary to write lots of drafts and revisions. She apparently thinks her first draft is “inspired” and therefore doesn’t require extensive revision. This is a common attitude of beginning writers.

  74. BettyCross on 9 February 2012, 14:49 said:

    I just found out The Encouragers is the name of a Gospel group that’s been performing for decades. So the title the Mards give to Maya and Joey, Encouragers, is a good example of a Shout Out.

  75. requiem on 9 February 2012, 14:55 said:

    I vote for the Club of Evil, after all we are antagonists to gloria in her writing abilities.

    As for not writing drafts or revisions, that is a horrible attitude to have. Having a good work ethic and taking criticism is key to writing a grand story not only for yourself but also the reader. Without criticism all works in literature, science, and other forms of work would be worthless. It’s as if she hold’s denying critical thinking as a virtue.

    My story i’ve been writing for about a year or 2 is almost finished and I can’t wait to see others thoughts on it so I can edit it and improve it. I want criticism so I can better improve my writing and make a better story that not only I can enjoy but also the audience can enjoy as well.

  76. prince o' Tea on 9 February 2012, 15:46 said:

    Glo has the right idea. Anyone who gives your work criticism is just a jealous hater, a video gamer, and clearly a member of the corrupt and mediocre generation that just wants to bring you down for not being the type of person who becomes famous for wearing fake tan and having three children before you’re fifteen. pops on Hater Blockers

  77. swenson on 9 February 2012, 16:42 said:

    I’m a fan of the Club of Evil as well, possibly specifically Apollyon’s Club of Evil. Teamwork, water parks, Mother Earth songs… what more can you want?

  78. Requiem on 9 February 2012, 16:57 said:

    mermaids and a key to the underworld, oh and unicorns.

  79. prince o'tea on 9 February 2012, 18:21 said:

    That you get to feed with your own hands.

  80. Pryotra on 9 February 2012, 18:33 said:

    Seems like the Club of Evil has the majority vote.

    About criticism, as long it’s constructive, I think it’s pretty much essential. I’ve even had some experience with destructive criticism that, while a painful experience, did prove useful in keeping my ego in check.

    @Betty: Urg that video is giving me bad memories of my twelve year old egotism. No outline, no rewrites, just what comes to me at the moment. writhes

    Newsflash, Glo, you are not divinely inspired, nor has Maradonia come down to you in the hands of an angel. Join the rest of humanity and rewrite your crap so that it can at least be legible crap.

  81. Prince O'Tea on 9 February 2012, 20:43 said:

    Well I can understand why she might put up this big front if she’s insecure , but seriously, Glo, if you’re reading this, just get over yourself, take a few writing classes, and get critique from people who are not your parents. We’ve all been there, and the sooner you get out of this mindset the sooner you can write something people will actually enjoy because it’s good, not so bad it’s good.

    Club of Evil it is. Also I love how Joey catches the Hylian Loach without even trying, let alone getting the sinking lure.

  82. Fireshark on 9 February 2012, 21:20 said:

    I suddenly feel like I’m part of something that matters. Anyone up for singing a Mother Earth song?

  83. Clibanarius on 9 February 2012, 22:36 said:

    Well speaking of songs it’s been a long time since ACOE released a new album.



    Genres: Thrash Metal, Mithril, Power Metal, Blues Rock, Hard Rock.

    Label: Geffen
    Parental Advisory: Explicit Content


    1. Key
    2. Chugging Wine
    3. Salsa Dance II
    4. Burning Hair
    5. Zombies
    6. Karthago
    7. Royalty Everywhere
    8. Strange Bird
    9. Dead Fish
    10. Two at a time
    11. Human Firewood
    12. Cruel
    13. Sweat Pearls
    14. Alanna’s Ghost
    15. Rain or Shine
    16. Love Triangle
    17. Underworld

    I just got the album and they were were big on the metaphors and all that, and the language was surprisingly mild for an ACOE album. . . But man, were they heavy on the black humor.

  84. Fireshark on 10 February 2012, 23:44 said:

    I’ll have the Ophir tract done by the end of the weekend. Sorry it’s taken so long, I’ve had a lot of other stuff to do.

  85. VikingBoyBilly on 11 February 2012, 00:59 said:

    I vote for Video Gamers

  86. Prince o' Tea on 11 February 2012, 08:30 said:

    I hope Krimmy and the Goldie Cape both get what’s coming to them.