Chapter Twenty – A Great Disappointment

Joey rolls in to the Senate Chamber with Queen Dido, looking very impressive. Tesch informs us that he made a “remarkable” impression on all the Senators, but not whether it’s in a good or a bad way.

Dido gets up and introduces Joey, explaining that she thinks it’s in the best interests in Karthago to have an alliance. All the Senators bow respectfully to Joey, but they don’t clap. So. Not really fans, but they’re bowing…to a foreign king. Okay.

Joey stands up and he’s very tall and grim. I don’t think it’s possible for a fifteen-year-old boy to be tall and grim. Maybe if his genetics are right, he can manage tall, but grim? Really?

“I am King Joey of Tyronia,” he declared, “and I am your new military commander in the war against the Empire of Evil.” (page 151)

What.

The.

Fuck?

Even though I typically never do this, I went Google-searching for a meme picture that could possibly try to sum up my reaction to this statement. After fifteen minutes or so, I gave up for two reasons:

1. Putting meme pictures in sporkings is overrated.
2. There is no picture that would do this justice.

So let’s get into this. First, let’s assume that Tyronia and Karthago are all buddy-buddy, they had a treaty and a military alliance. It would be incredibly arrogant and presumptuous for Joey to get up in front of a group and even ask to be their military commander. Why? Because Karthago doesn’t need an external fucking military commander, they have their own! If countries are in alliances together, each side has their own military commanders, and they certainly sit down and strategize together to work well together, but that’s pretty much it. And, on the off chance that the countries in this alliance did decide, for some reason, to appoint a supreme military commander who would oversee the fight against the Powers of Evil (who believe in Teamwork), you can bet your ass they wouldn’t appoint a complete fuckwit like Joey, who, in addition to be being FIFTEEN and having absolutely no training in military tactics and leadership, is a moron and a total sociopath.

But let’s set that aside, since everyone in this story basically thinks Maya and Joey are the greatest thing since sliced bread. Let’s assume that these people might make the mistake of putting Joey in charge. This is still an incredibly arrogant thing to do, to just show up and suggest that you should be in put in charge of everything.

Of course…let’s not forget…Joey isn’t asking. He’s telling. He’s showing up, in their Senate-room, and TELLING everyone, “I AM YOUR NEW MILITARY COMMANDER.”

As if that wasn’t enough… these two countries don’t even have a fucking treaty between them yet.

I’m almost at a loss for words. Obviously I’m not, because I just wrote a lot of words about this, but…I have absolutely no idea how someone would think this was a good idea. This is a new low, both for Joey and for Gloria Tesch.

I wonder if this is all going to work out okay with no negative repercussions? Let’s find out!

The Senators are pissed. People shout and are angry. Joey waits. Apparently he knew that announcing this was a dangerous move. No shit, Sherlock? People think you want to rule their country. Good luck getting out of the Senate room without getting Julius Caesar’d.

Turns out UrbanDictionary didn’t have a definition already for Julius Caesar’d, so I stopped writing this sporking to submit one. [Update: they do now!]

A corpulent senator gets up and asks Joey why he thinks he’s the one who can lead them. A few other senators say the same thing, so Joey gazes at them sternly.

King Joey gazed sternly at his questioner (page 151).

He’s fifteen. Fifteen year olds can’t look stern. It’s not physically possible. They try, and then an adult chuckles because they’re so adorable, ruffles their hair, and sends them outside to mow the lawn.

Joey explains that the deity chose him to be an encourager and stuff. A senator points out that he hasn’t answered their question. Joey says he has Defender, the powerful supernatural weapon that allowed him to defeat the Rawken army. Okay…so Joey would be a good guy to put on the front lines to fight the war. Not a guy you want standing around making decisions.

The senators quiet down and Joey launches into a speech about how they need to build a strong alliance to defeat the bad guys and they all have to be marching in the same direction.

“Let me ask you a question, ‘Can two wings of the same bird fly at the same time in two different directions?’ The answer is No!” (page 152)

I think everyone knows that, Joey. Also, that’s a very stupid metaphor.

Joey goes on in this vein and then brings up the island that he’s offering Karthago, and the senators start applauding and getting interesting, because when you’re entering a war that could bankrupt your country, and might end up with your entire country being utterly destroyed or enslaved to the Dark Lord, getting a free island is awesome.

Joey draws his sword, because drawing your sword in a foreign senate building is such a good idea. Plus it looks dramatic. And also really stupid. He asks everyone if they’re willing to join the free kingdoms. It gets quiet. Nobody says anything. Finally Queen Dido says they’ll put it to a vote and asks everyone who wants to join the alliance to raise their hands. Thirteen senators raise their hands. Out of seventy.

Then the speaker of the senate gets up and says that obviously they’re not ready to join the alliance. Yeah, that, or maybe they don’t want to join the alliance.

The speaker points out that Karthago’s location makes them pretty secure and they should be neutral and stay out of it, which are fair points. Finally the speaker says that if they can identify the traitors and find this magician who wants to murder the royal family, the situation might change and they may support the alliance.

Which is actually pretty clever, for Tesch. I assume that when she was writing this she realized there weren’t any rational arguments for why Joey should get to be in charge of the entire alliance. So, she had Joey raise the argument, then quickly changed the subject, and now she’ll have Maya and Joey find the traitors, expose the conspiracy, Karthago will join the alliance, and Joey will assume command despite no one actually agreeing to him assuming command and this problem will never be raised again.

Let’s see if I’m right.

Chapter Twenty-One – Aftershocks

Maya wakes up and thinks about what she heard from Queen Dido’s report of what happened. Wait. Maya wasn’t even there? Why the fuck not? She’s the goddamn Queen of Maradonia, a country that is both larger and more powerful than Tyronia, as I recall. Why wouldn’t she be there?

It’s really rather odd, especially since there’s every indication that Maya is based on Gloria herself, but I really think Tesch is rather sexist.

Anyway. Maya and Joey need to find these traitors and this mysterious magician in order to seal the deal with Karthago, but that’s going to be problematic because they’re in a foreign city, they don’t know anyone, and they don’t even have the slightest idea where to start looking.

“Emoogie and Tarakann told me they had watched three mysterious men talking in a hidden corner of the city wall. They might fit the description of Queen Dido’s dream.” (page 157)

Oh. Well that was really fucking easy. You know, Tesch, it’s okay to make things difficult for our heroes. They don’t have to have every mystery solved for them by someone else within two pages of the problem coming up. What’s next?

“Maya, our baby brother Benji has cancer!”

“Oh no, what are we going to – hey look, is that some of that amazing new cancer medication in the gutter?”

Or maybe during the climax of the series:

bq, “Maya, Apollyon is too strong! We’ll never defeat him!”

“Joey, I’m afraid!”

“If we only had the famous Lost Dagger of AstroJesus, And’uril, maybe we could penetrate his magical shield.”

“There’s no hope of that, it’s been lost for a millennia. By the way, do you find this sofa as uncomfortable as I do? There’s a really hard lump inside this cushion, what could it be?”

Anyway. Maya and Joey decide they’ll head out on a walk to look around and maybe stumble across some traitors, so Joey leaves and Maya gets ready. As she’s heading out, she runs into Princess Adele and Queen Miranda. I’m not sure why Miranda is a queen when Dido is the Queen, but maybe they have a Narnia thing going on. They give Maya three dresses as a gift. Maya is delighted.

She walks outside and sees Prince Rasmos sparring on the field. He’s very muscular and sweaty and when he sees Maya he immediately wonders if he’s dreaming and he just saw an angel, which is a pretty typical reaction, especially since Maya didn’t even spruce herself up, she just threw her hair into a ponytail, looked at herself in the mirror, didn’t think she looked good, but went out anyway. So either Rasmos is nuts or Maya is transcendently beautiful.

Maya challenges Rasmos to a duel. Rasmos accepts, so Maya picks up one of the wooden practice swords and walks out onto the field. Suddenly she charges him and whacks him in the chest as hard as she can, knocking him down and leaving a huge bruise. You know, Maya, I’m not sure you understand the concept of sparring.

Rasmos is tough, though, so he gets up to fight again. I’m not sure why. After all, he’s been practicing the sword for pretty much every day of his entire life, and Maya has only been practicing for a few weeks now, but she’s a Heroine, and she got Special Training, so she’s essentially undefeatable.

They clash. Rasmos is an incredible fighter but Maya is way better so she knocks him down again and he gives up. Maya starts to walk off, but Rasmos runs after her and wants to know where she’s going. Maya’s heart seizes.

Rasmos stood with his puppy eyes (page 162).

D’awwww.

They talk flirtatiously and Maya thinks about General Henry and then he walks towards her and Maya backs up and suddenly she bumps into a wall and Rasmos leans in and they lock lips.

She didn’t do anything to stop him and even laid her arms around his shoulders and her hands grabbed his thick hair (page 163).

Oh my.

We cut over to Joey who is impatiently waiting and talking out loud.

“Oh man, where could Maya be? I gave her more than enough time to do her girls stuff, but she’s not even here yet. Hmmpff.” (page 164)

I admit, that legitimately made me laugh.

Joey wanders around for a bit and finally sees Maya and Rasmos necking. Maya disengages herself and walks to Joey, smirking, and asks him what’s up. Joey is furious. He points out that Henry is waiting for her in Maradonia…and how maybe Queen Dido will get pissed off and they won’t be able to get the treaty they want. All of these are valid complaints, although Joey really doesn’t have a leg to stand on. The fact that they need an alliance with Gorgonia didn’t stop him from making out with Krimmy. Also, back in the day he was getting friendly with the mermaid Morgana, and then he switched to being interested in Krimhilda and never even told Morgana he had moved on.

Of course, Maya doesn’t say any of this. Instead, she tells Joey to chill out, because Rasmos is heir to the throne, and he’ll be crowned soon (apparently) and if he’s on their side, maybe he could convince Dido to sign the treaty. Wow. Maya. That’s cold.

Joey rolled his eyes, “That’s the stupidest excuse I have ever heard… covering your kissy…kissy…time with Rasmos.” (page 165)

Joey gets mad and says he’s going to go meet with his advisors because Maya clearly doesn’t care about anything they need to do and stalks off. Maya walks back to where Rasmos is waiting and asks him to be her guide. Rasmos agrees, and they both go to change. Maya puts on one of the new dresses, and walks out of her quarters by closing the door. That’s not a typo. Well. It is a typo, but it’s Tesch’s, not mine. You can’t walk out by closing the door. You can walk out and close a door.

They walk outside and Rasmos fetches his horse, Ciscoe. Maybe Tesch is a fan of gardening.

Maya and Rasmos climb aboard and take off at a gallop and after a bit Ciscoe shifts to ludicrous speed. Rasmos explains that there are no other horses like him, that he’s sometimes called Speedy Galvin, and that he’s immortal and can basically outrun anything. I see. Shadowfax. Got it.

Eventually, they arrive in an orchard and Rasmos gets down and Maya jumps down into his arms and he kisses her forehead and puts her down. And…chapter.

Drinks: 43

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Comment

  1. LoneWolf on 5 January 2012, 15:06 said:

    Oh, the romance, the romance!

    And yeah, Tesch can’t write her heroes struggling to succeed with anything.

  2. Requiem on 5 January 2012, 15:30 said:

    Hiring a 15 year old who has no understanding of military tactics and arrogantly wants to be the supreme commander. Definitely not the best choice.

    I’m wondering if they have any Sun Tzu or Zhuge Liang type strategists in maradonia. If they are to ever get an alliance, one should wonder who would lead them who is competent enough and knows the art of warfare.

  3. Ridureyu on 5 January 2012, 15:55 said:

    Speedy Galvin? So now Tesch is ripping off Looney Tunes?

  4. Kurt on 5 January 2012, 16:21 said:

    Kissy kissy makes me happy
    Honey honey sweet as candy
    Kissy kissy take my hand and come along with me

    - Lyrics from a bubblegum pop song Kissy Kissy . The perfect intellectual match for Gloria’s writing.

    I find it mildly disgusting that Maya is seducing Rasmos to get him on their side. Hopefully, there’ll be drama drama time when Captain Henry finds out.

  5. Prince o' Tea on 5 January 2012, 16:23 said:

    But Joey has had military training.

    He’s read a few picture books about armies and pirates. One was a probably a scratch and sniff about castles and medieval towns, very informative.

  6. Requiem on 5 January 2012, 17:18 said:

    Joey may have some prior battle experience but never in commanding armies. The only way I can think of a fifteen year old ever being worthy of being a strategist would demand scholarly knowledge on military history from the greatest commanders such as Julius Caeser, Zhuge Liang, Sun Tzu, Alexander the Great, and Genghis Kahn. But that would require that he not he be sent to a military academy or spend all of his free time studying tactics and strategy.

    The fifteen year old would also have to have some knowledge on engineering weapons, using terrain to your advantage, knowledge on the way your enemy fights, the way weather effects strategy, usage of deception and foreknowledge, and the biggest thing these 2 fail at is MORAL SUPPORT. So far they’ve been ruthless to not only their allies but also their enemies, which actually makes the evil empire not so bad in comparison.

    sorry for the long rant, but I love military history and warfare tactics.

  7. BettyCross on 5 January 2012, 18:00 said:

    I’m a bit of a military history buff myself. The only defense I can make of Maya and Joe[y] being generals is to say Alexander the Great was 16 when he defeated a Thracian invasion of Macedonia. (His father King Phillip had gone away on campaign and had left him in Macedonia as regent.) At 18 he fought beside his father at Charonea and struck the decisive blow in the battle.

    However: Alexander was trained to be a warrior-king since childhood, and had legal standing to play a role in government and military command since he was the king’s son and heir. None of this is true of Maya and Joe[y].

  8. Requiem on 5 January 2012, 18:22 said:

    Exactly you must be trained in combat and have authority if you are to be a general or command an army. Joey and Maya may be royalty but they lack the knowledge of someone trained in warfare.

    In the story I am writing, the heroes and villains both have extensive military training since the age of fourteen and have fought in a war up to their current age of twenty-five where the story begins.

  9. Fireshark on 5 January 2012, 19:05 said:

    MAYA AND JOEY ARE GOOD AT EVERYTHING, YOU VIDEO GAMERS! JUST BECAUSE YOU COULDN’T IMMEDIATELY BECOME GREAT MILITARY COMMANDERS DOESN’T MEAN THEY CAN’T!!!1

  10. BettyCross on 5 January 2012, 19:08 said:

    they lack the knowledge of someone trained in warfare.

    They compensate for it by having invulnerable bodies and the ability to make themselves invisible. Which is okay I guess if they do all the fighting themselves. They’ve shown repeatedly they have no idea how to command troops.

  11. VikingBoyBilly on 5 January 2012, 20:27 said:

    Here’s the memepic i suggest for Joey’s declaration to be Karthago’s Military commander:

  12. Requiem on 5 January 2012, 21:11 said:

    I guess that makes joey the equivalent of zaff brannigan.

  13. Prince o' Tea on 5 January 2012, 22:11 said:

    Zapp’s an idiotic buffoon who is hilarious, while Joey is just a Ice Cream Koan spewing Gary Stu at best but is a sadistic sociopath most of the time.

  14. BettyCross on 5 January 2012, 22:22 said:

    But Maya and Joe[y] and their creator are hilarious, at least to me.

  15. Requiem on 5 January 2012, 22:52 said:

    I wonder if tesch will pull a stephen king and actually show up in the maradonia universe as herself. That would be hilarious.

  16. Kurt on 6 January 2012, 15:28 said:

    I wonder if tesch will pull a stephen king and actually show up in the maradonia universe as herself. That would be hilarious.

    According to that one newspaper article, Maya is already based on Gloria herself. If the book had two Tesch avatars, it would explode from the pressure of two huge egos clashing.

    Joey may have some prior battle experience but never in commanding armies. The only way I can think of a fifteen year old ever being worthy of being a strategist would demand scholarly knowledge on military history from the greatest commanders such as Julius Caeser, Zhuge Liang, Sun Tzu, Alexander the Great, and Genghis Kahn. But that would require that he not he be sent to a military academy or spend all of his free time studying tactics and strategy.

    Remember, Joey has eaten the fruit of knowledge and wisdom which he got from Aquamarisha. Tesch just forgot to write that he also learned military tactics from the fruit. Also, Kings in Maradonia are apparently leaders of their military, like medieval kings. So Joey is the legitimate commander of the Tyronian army, unless he chooses to appoint a general instead, which he’ll never do, of course. And he’ll need both the Tyronian and the Karthaginian army to rescue Krimmy from the pirate Geierky.

    …Yeah, he’s a huge Stu. I know.

  17. Zurvan on 6 January 2012, 18:57 said:

    In my humble opinion, that romance-subplot is the most embarassing part of Maradonia III as of yet.

  18. LoneWolf on 6 January 2012, 20:38 said:

    Gloria Tesch once more demonstrates her Unique Versatility as a truly multi-faceted author. Not only she writes about the amazing adventures Maya and Joey have in the ‘Land of Maradonia’, and about the ‘Evil Empire’, but she also proves herself to be a romance author who is astonishing and indeed outstanding. Rarely such talents as Gloria Tesch, author of the Maradonia-Saga appear in our times. We should all Cherish, Respect and Admire someone so young, yet so proficient and able.

  19. Pryotra on 6 January 2012, 20:47 said:

    “I am King Joey of Tyronia,” he declared, “and I am your new military commander in the war against the Empire of Evil.” (page 151)

    That is actually quite terrifying. I can’t think of anything that the Club of Evil said that was in any ways this nightmarish.

    This romance plot is probably one of the worst written ones I’ve ever seen. Maya has the affection of a fish. Then again, Joey while all starry eyed over that mermaid chick (I still can’t figure out how that would have even worked) until Krimmey and her…magic hair…flounced in front of him.

    Now I have Kissy Kissy in my head.

    Ciscoe…that sounds…kind of like Crisco. Not a good Shadowfax clone. At least Eragon had names that didn’t usually make me think about food.

  20. Prince o' Tea on 6 January 2012, 22:28 said:

    “And he’ll need both the Tyronian and the Karthaginian army to rescue Krimmy from the pirate Geierky.”

    Unless of course someone more attractive comes along and Joey abandons Krimmy and her Goldie Cape to a lifetime of slavery.

  21. Erin on 7 January 2012, 01:24 said:

    Kissy kissy time? Seriously? How old is Tesch again? Also, I guess cheating on Henry is ok because it’s our awesome heroine doing it.

    I’m not surprised that Rasmos thought she was beautiful even though she thought she looked like crap. It’s a typical thing in stories targeted at teen girls. The boy will think you are beautiful even though you think you’re lame and ugly, because the boy loves you and the amazing person you are on the inside and stuff. It has the potential to be kinda sweet, I suppose. Except Maya and Rasmos scarcely know each other and Maya is a terrible person.

  22. Pryotra on 7 January 2012, 09:19 said:

    Cheating? How can it be cheating. It’s our sensitive and kind heroine doing it.

    Just you wait, Henry is going to turn out to be some kind of baby eating villian, just so that Maya is justified.

  23. Prince o' Tea on 7 January 2012, 15:31 said:

    Dammit, I was about to say that. (cough cough Morgana cough cough).

    On the other hand Morgana seemed to be seemed to be extremely obsessively clingy from the beginning, so she took being dumped as well as most of us expected. Still… Maya is doing pretty much the same thing the strumpet Florie did in Seven Bridges… but it’s totally different because She’s The Heroine. She’s too Sutiful for that.

  24. Fireshark on 7 January 2012, 16:26 said:

    Team Henry vs Team Rasmos… IT BEGINS!

  25. Requiem on 7 January 2012, 16:44 said:

    Oh Fuck a Twilight reference, these books seem to bring out the sue in everyone.

  26. BettyCross on 7 January 2012, 17:28 said:

    Count me in as a proud member of Team Apollyon. The next book in the series will be: Maradonia and Sleeping with the Enemy.

  27. BettyCross on 7 January 2012, 17:30 said:

    Team Henry vs Team Rasmos… IT BEGINS!

    It’s already begun. A few months ago on Facebook, Gloria had a poll about who we all wanted to be Maya’s Maradonia boyfriend: Henry or Rasmos?

  28. Prince o' Tea on 7 January 2012, 17:33 said:

    I demanded to know why Hoppy was not in that poll. Gloria Tesch didn’t reply.

    Henry and Ramos should ditch the annoying Sue and do the Salsa Dance with each other.

  29. Kurt on 7 January 2012, 17:49 said:

    Maya and Joey should date each other. There is no one else who can match their level of awesomeness.

  30. BettyCross on 7 January 2012, 17:55 said:

    Henry and Ramos should ditch the annoying Sue and do the Salsa Dance with each other.

    There are no gays in the Mardiverse except on the Evil Empire side.

  31. Pryotra on 7 January 2012, 18:01 said:

    Team Apollyon. And they can end the series with a rousing chorus of the Mother Earth Song at the Club of Evil headquarters before going out to feed their pet unicorns.

    Besides. Apollyon might just make Maya less sociopathic. HE WOULD BE GOOD FOR HER!

  32. Kurt on 7 January 2012, 18:36 said:

    There are no gays in the Mardiverse except on the Evil Empire side.

    There was that odd vibe between General Brody and his nephew Aurek in Seven Bridges.

    Besides, are there any confirmed Evil gays in the books? I know Prince o’Tea suggested that the spirits represent homosexuals because they “can’t reproduce”. Maybe Gloria just figured that they couldn’t reproduce because they have no physical bodies.

    Team Apollyon. And they can end the series with a rousing chorus of the Mother Earth Song at the Club of Evil headquarters before going out to feed their pet unicorns.

    Looks like we have an Apollyon in Leather Pants thing going on here.

  33. LoneWolf on 7 January 2012, 19:18 said:

    Well, Aurek turned out to be a traitor, and Brody is dead :(

  34. Pryotra on 7 January 2012, 20:09 said:

    @Kurt: He’s even easier to stick in the Pants than Galby was in the first Eragon book.

  35. Requiem on 7 January 2012, 21:58 said:

    Hmmm not sure if there are gay’s in maradonia, but hey there is the most beautiful black person whose name escapes me.

  36. Fireshark on 7 January 2012, 22:16 said:

    http://shurtugal.com/2012/01/02/christopher-officially-announces-his-next-project-a-sci-fi-short-story-lead-in-to-his-planned-full-length-scifi-novel/

    Paolini’s starting to look awfully good after this…

    Anyway, since Tesch is starting to add more romantic subplots, I have to wonder: Has she had a boyfriend? The stuff she writes just sounds like wish fulfillment to me, but it could just be cliche fantasy romance or bad writing. Do you guys think her experience (or lack thereof) affects her writing much?

  37. Prince o' Tea on 7 January 2012, 22:19 said:

    Ceara, the Lovely Dragon and Most Beautiful Black Person in the Evil Empire.

    Agreed, I got pretty uncomfortable reading about Aurek and his unusual bearded uncle, and their creepy incestuous relationship. “I’m gonna kiss your cheek!” “Go ahead, you naughty boy.”

    “Looks like we have an Apollyon in Leather Pants thing going on here.”

    For me it’s an Alanna in Leather Pants thing. After all wearing Black Leather means you are a member of the Goffick Movement, and therefore, Evil. And that you love the Salsa Dance.

  38. BettyCross on 8 January 2012, 00:18 said:

    I have to wonder: Has she had a boyfriend? The stuff she writes just sounds like wish fulfillment to me, but it could just be cliche fantasy romance or bad writing. Do you guys think her experience (or lack thereof) affects her writing much?

    Every work of fiction in some way reflects the life experiences, education, interests, beliefs, etc. of the author. I think we can infer Gloria has been on some dates and been kissed a few times, but not more than that.

    There’s also the chance, however, of self-censorship. If Gloria let some guy get to 3rd base, for example, she probably wouldn’t put it in the books because her parents are reading this stuff too and might suspect something.

  39. Kurt on 8 January 2012, 09:54 said:

    …Aurek and his unusual bearded uncle…

    The unusual beard is actually described in the book:

    Florie hated Brody with all of her heart because Brody was old, ugly and a very heavy man with a long, hairy, reddish beard but she pretended to have a great affection for him. (Seven Bridges, p.611 )

    Somehow, a “hairy” beard is unusual. I wonder what a usual beard looks like in Maradonia.

  40. Pryotra on 8 January 2012, 11:04 said:

    I wonder what a usual beard looks like in Maradonia.

    I bet they look like Davy Jones’ beard in Pirates of the Caribbean

  41. BettyCross on 8 January 2012, 12:11 said:

    I think she was trying to say, “a long, bushy, red beard.” Gloria seldom picks the right word. A lot of these problems could be fixed with a revision, but we know she never revises.

  42. Kitty on 8 January 2012, 21:16 said:

    I keep reading the titles of these as “Law of Blood Spork” like that’s the name of the book. The story would probably be better if it featured more sporks of the utensilline variety.

  43. Fireshark on 8 January 2012, 21:30 said:

    I think we can infer Gloria has been on some dates and been kissed a few times, but not more than that.

    There’s also the chance, however, of self-censorship. If Gloria let some guy get to 3rd base, for example, she probably wouldn’t put it in the books because her parents are reading this stuff too and might suspect something.

    Soon, the air sparkled around Maya and Rasmos…

    In all seriousness though, that sounds about right. I don’t think she’s really been in a close relationship with a boy IRL, because she isn’t treating the love interests as three-dimensional characters. That or… (drumroll please) she’s just a bad writer.

  44. BettyCross on 8 January 2012, 21:46 said:

    Stories about relationships, especially where sex is involved, are a major reason you’re taught in Creative Writing courses to “write about what you know.”

  45. Kurt on 9 January 2012, 06:57 said:

    @Pryotra: Davy Jones should buy Princess Krimmy from Geierky. Her Golden Cape would turn to life as Golden Tentacles after 100 years aboard his ship.

    …she isn’t treating the love interests as three-dimensional characters.

    That’s because Maradonia lies in the Forth Dimension. And if you know telepathy, you’re five-dimensional.

    In seriousness, I don’t think Gloria is capable of writing fleshed out characters. She even struggles with making her one-dimensional characters act believable. I guess she has led a very sheltered life – she doesn’t know much about how real humans act.

  46. Fell Blade on 9 January 2012, 11:26 said:

    I don’t know if it’s that she’s sheltered so much as that she is just so young. She’s not really mature enough to understand how people think and act and respond. She hasn’t reached the point of understanding human interactions and development, and so she doesn’t have the ability to write about it with any degree of plausibility or believability. That’s one of the main things that I struggle with in my writing. A lot of times I know where I want a scene to go, but I struggle with getting into the characters’ heads and figuring out how they would really interact based on who they are, not on how I want the story to turn out. I think that’s a lot of Tesch’s problem. She doesn’t have the maturity to really understand people and then write about them believably.

  47. BettyCross on 9 January 2012, 11:32 said:

    @Fell Blade, I agree with you. I had that same problem when I was her age. I threw away my first novel when I was 18 precisely because I realized how ridiculous my characters were acting and talking.

  48. Prince o' Tea on 9 January 2012, 15:25 said:

    Kurt:

    It is not Golden Cape.

    But Goldie Cape and Goldie Tentacles. As in: “The Goldie Tentacles of the Octopus Princess.” Let’s not give Glo too much credit here…

  49. Kurt on 9 January 2012, 18:26 said:

    Ah, I’m terribly sorry that I insulted Krimmy’s hair by calling it the wrong name. Maybe Gloria was thinking about Goldilocks when she invented that name?

    @Fell Blade: I agree. Gloria’s writing is quite immature.

  50. Prince o' Tea on 9 January 2012, 21:45 said:

    It’s all right. It’s just not as amusing when referred to as “Golden” and not “Goldie”.

    I almost consider it a seperate character from her now, the way I consider Bree and her forehead on Desperate Housewives to be two different characters that simply turn up together.

  51. Pryotra on 9 January 2012, 22:35 said:

    Too bad the Goldie Cape doesn’t have any lines. It might have something more interesting to say than Krimmy has so far.

    @Fell Blade: Yeah, I’d say that’s more of the problem than anything else. If you think about it, that’s one of the big reasons that kids don’t usually get published. They can’t really get into people’s heads. It’s not easy to manipulate characters to do a certain thing and stay in their characterization at the same time.

  52. Deborah on 10 January 2012, 15:18 said:

    ‘Kissy Kissy Time’, sounds like something a six year old would say.
    Maybe we need a new album . . .

  53. HamsterZerg on 15 December 2013, 21:37 said:

    @Fireshark: You made me come up with a song!
    (Sing to the tune of that “Jolly Good Fellow” song)

    Hiroi: For she is such a bad writer,
    Slendeon: For she is such a bad writer,
    Delshire: For she is such a bad writer…
    EVERYONE ON IMPISH IDEA: Which none of us can deny!

    AFTER THE SONG

    HamsterZerg: Not that we’ll even try!