Chapter Sixteen – The Shining City

This drawing is actually pretty good. A little inaccurate, since I don’t see any kind of harbor, or even a dock, but hey, what do I know?

The dragon delegation circles Karthago a few times, which nearly creates a panic, because most of the townspeople had never seen a dragon before. I think that actually would cause a panic, though, not just almost.

Tesch specifies that of course there had been messenger dragons sent to prepare for their arrival, however they’d arrived in the middle of the night. And of course TPTB didn’t bother spreading the word that a delegation of dragons were coming as part of a peace envoy.

It was like an air show! Thousands of curious onlookers watched the dragon parade of the Tyronian air power in the sky and many of them did not know if this armada of airships was friendly or hostile (page 121).

Okay, that is nothing like an airshow. An airshow involves people showing up to watch paid professionals fly around to show off their skills. Everyone knows who they are and nobody is in fear of their lives. This incident is more likely to involve people grabbing their children and diving into trenches or bomb shelters. Lastly, if you’re going somewhere to try to sign a peace treaty, isn’t it a little arrogant to fly around and display your air power so blatantly? Kinda sounds like they’re trying to show the Karthaginians up, which will put a crimp in the treaty negotiations.

Maya and Joey pop their crowns on and pretty soon a crowd of people show up and welcome them. Everyone cheers, there’s a military marching band, trumpets are blown, and everyone is delighted to see them…for some reason. I mean, Karthago isn’t even on the map. Nothing that Maya and Joey have ever done has ever effected Karthago in the slightest. Also, they’re only there to try and get Karthago involved in the war, which will probably end with thousand of Karthaginians dead. Why is everyone so excited to see them?

Queen Dido rolls up and greets them, and mentions that she heard about Maya chopping off the dude’s head, and that he ran after his head was chopped off and managed to free eight of the traitors. Maya says that bad news travels fast.

“This is not bad news, Queen Maya. This is just impressive news because it shows that you are a wise and tough ruler?” (page 123)

Maya manages to get herself conned into letting eight traitors get off scot-free through her own naïveté, and that shows that she is both wise and tough?

Dido immediately says she has some questions and immediately asks Joey how he destroyed the airships in Oceanside and how he defeated the Rawken army. Joey doesn’t answer the question and Dido doesn’t press the issue…for some reason. Instead, they get in the chariot and head towards the castle. Joey blows a whistle, releasing the dragons, which seems a little insulting considering the dragons are intelligent creatures that can think and speak.

They see a herd of Dinophants roaming around on some grassland, because apparently that city built on a little rock mountain next to the ocean has a lot of grassland in it. Anyway, Tesch describes the Dinophants. They look kinda like this:

And, apparently, they have over two thousand Dinophants. That’s awesome. Time for math! Some quick Googling tells us that elephants in captivity eat a solid 200 lbs per day and shit out about 40% of that. The Dinophants are bigger than normal elephants, but for the sake of simplicity, let’s stick with those numbers. That means that Karthago has to supply their elephant herd with 400,000 pounds of food per day, and also haul away and dispose of 160,000 pounds of elephant dung.

That’s feasible.

Chapter Seventeen – Dido & Rasmos

They have a delicious meal, an extensive meet and greet, and finally retire to a small concert room with the royalty.

Maya wore a simple dress made from Tyronian purple. It was tailored to display her small waist, but disguised her other physical gifts (page 129).

Uh…you mean her breasts, Tesch? It’s disguising her breasts?

Prince Rasmos eyes Maya and thinks she’s pretty hot. She shakes his hand but pulls it away before he can kiss it, and Maya feels bad for him.

‘The poor man,’ Maya thought. Prince Rasmos was looking at her so earnestly and she knew that her skin and her appearance made a strong impression on him (page 129).

Her skin made a strong appearance on him? In a ‘wintry cream’ sort of way, or a ‘it puts the lotion in the basket’ sort of way?

Apparently he’s pretty decent-looking, and Tesch spends an entire paragraph describing him, but it doesn’t matter, because he’s not General Henry.

They talk for a bit. Karthago is not on good terms with Ophir, and Queen Dido warns them that when they talk to the Senate, the first question the Senate asks them will be about how Maradonia and Tyronia’s relationship with Ophir is. I find it intriguing that Karthago has a Senate as well. Every single one of these countries has royalty which pretty much have supreme executive power and can do whatever the fuck they want, but they also have Senates that wield some power, although that power is never really explained. It’s not necessarily a bad concept, but it’s not developed in any way, and it’s also a little weird that every country has pretty much the same system.

And when I say “weird” I mean that it’s poor writing.

Dido advises them to offer the Senate a trade port – maybe an island or something – and then the Senate would be much more inclined to listen. And with that they call it a night. Maya goes back to her room, very tired, but thinks about Prince Rasmos.

“I can’t imagine any other man in my life other then General Henry… but then again…” (page 131)

It’s than, Tesch. Not then.

Chapter Eighteen – Queen Dido’s Dream

Dido has dreams. She sees ships. Then some old men show up and walk around. There’s some old ugly ships and three big warships and the ships crash into each other and the pretty warships sink and the old ugly ships sail off into the sunset. Hmm. This kinda reminds me of the king’s dreams in the Biblical story of Joseph – seven fat cows are eaten by seven skinny cows, and the same again with wheat.

Dido wakes up and is all sweaty. Eventually she falls back asleep and dreams about some men in the garden. One of them pulls out a glass object and shows it around. And one of them has a small crown.

The next day Dido is confused, so she calls her advisors together to ask them what they think. Nobody knows, but someone points out that Maya and Joey are well-known to be magicians, and everyone knows that magicians can interpret dreams. Dido agrees, so she calls in Maya and Joey and explains her dreams. Maya and Joey step outside to discuss it, and by “discuss it”, I mean that Maya telepathically calls Master Dominatio and they discuss it. Maya thinks it might mean that Karthago is going to be attacked by an older country, like Ophir. Dominatio disagrees. He thinks that the ships represent seasons:

The three good bad seasons will swallow up the three good seasons of prosperity and growth of wheat, corn, fruits and vegetables… (page 138).

Yeah. This is going to be another Bible rip-off.

Dominatio explains that Dido’s second dream means one of Apollyon’s Master Magicians has to come to kill her and her family. Well, of course. We can’t have Apollyon’s plans ever actually work – we need random Deus ex Machinas to show up, spoil any tension in the plot, and bail our heroes out.

Maya severs the link and tells Joey she knows what the dream means. Joey is confused.

“Yes Joey, I know…believe me! Please, don’t look at me with the eyes of a Glimmer Man!”

“With the eyes of a Glimmer Man? What is this? What do you mean?”

“Great King Joey, the light in your eyes shines at the moment faintly because you only have a faint idea of the Fifth Dimension.” (page 139)

I think this is something I might try to adopt into my personal life. At times, for no real reason, I’m going to make up random Capitalized Names for things. Then I’m going to pretend there’s nothing weird about it.

Maya goes back in and explains that they represent bad seasons and good seasons and stuff. Dido is impressed because she didn’t expect this much wisdom and spiritual knowledge from Maya. Well, to be fair, Maya’s a fraud, Dominatio was the guy who interpreted all this. However, unlike the Bible story, where Joseph was careful to point out that GOD interpreted the dreams, not him, Maya is totally going to take credit for all this.

Dido believes her, of course, but as everyone knows, when you have spooky dreams, the dreams aren’t there because your subconscious mind is trying to make sense of your neural synapses randomly firing, it’s because dreams can accurately predict the future. Dido immediately decrees that Karthago will start hoarding food to get through the bad years.

Maya explains the other dream means two of Dido’s Council Members are traitors and they’ve invited one of Apollyon’s Master Magicians to eliminate Dido and the royal family and put the traitors on the throne instead.

Chapter Nineteen – Dinophants

They arrange for King Joey to speak before the Karthaginian Senate. This is apparently a very big deal, because it’s forbidden for any foreigner to ever speak before the Senate, and no foreigner has ever done it. But Joey gets to, because he’s Special.

The Senate is shocked when they hear about Maya’s dream, because, of course, the Senate was informed. After all, when you find out that there are two traitors in the Senate, the first thing you want to do is…inform the Senate.

Dido explains that Karthago has way more warships than everyone else because they have a unique technique for building warships. Which is great, except I don’t really give a fuck about how they build warships unless it impacts the plot in some way, and I have a feeling it won’t.

Dido spends another page talking about Karthago’s trade program, and another page talking about their background – she was the daughter of King Belus from Ophir, and she married her uncle, but then her brother murdered her hubby and became King of Ophir, and she had to flee to Karthago, where she started ruling, because monarchs who flee their country and settle in other countries inevitably start ruling that second country.

Later, they talk about the Dinophants. It’s not terribly interesting, although Maya has a moment of oddly specific premonition:

‘I am convinced that these animals will soon see a real fight… a bloody fight between the forces of the free kingdoms and the Evil Empire of Terra Mili in the Valley of Harmon Gorgonia in the Land of Maradonia.’ (page 147)

Really, Tesch? This is how Maya thinks? Tell me, if you went to a military base and saw a bunch of soldiers, would you think I am convinced that these soldiers will soon see a bloody fight between the forces of freedom and the terrorists of Al-Qaeda on the streets of New York City in the land of the United States of America? Is that honestly how your mind works?

Maya asks to be taken back to the palace, because she’s pretty hungry. Careful, Maya! You want to keep that small waist. You can’t survive by the other physical assets alone!

Rasmos looks at Maya and says that after Joey’s speech, he’ll tell Maya a secret [!!!].

She stared into his Hazel eyes and said nearly breathlessly, “Yes…” (page 148).

If there’s one thing I don’t need to visualize, it’s sixteen-year-old girls saying “yes” breathlessly. Also, hazel isn’t capitalized.

Drinks: 48

Tagged as: ,

Comment

  1. LoneWolf on 29 December 2011, 07:22 said:

    So, Terra-Milli is another name for the ‘Evil Empire’.

    The drawing may be fine enough, but it doesn’t really look Carthaginian.

    And to be fair, ancient Carthage had its own Senate, so maybe Gloria just continues her ‘Deep Historical Allusions’ here.

  2. Fell Blade on 29 December 2011, 10:03 said:

    It was like an air show! Thousands of curious onlookers watched the dragon parade of the Tyronian air power in the sky and many of them did not know if this armada of airships was friendly or hostile (page 121).

    Wait, so the dragons are the airships now? What the crap? Why are dragons suddenly referred to as airships? Just…ah!

    She stared into his Hazel eyes and said nearly breathlessly, “Yes…” (page 148).

    Guess who just finished reading Twilight… Maya’s been taking breathing lessons from Bella.

  3. BettyCross on 29 December 2011, 10:03 said:

    she had to flee to Karthago, where she started ruling, because monarchs who flee their country and settle in other countries inevitably start ruling that second country.

    In the legend of Dido, she brought colonists with her from Phoenicia when she settled on the African coast. Did Gloria just forget about the colonists, then?

  4. BettyCross on 29 December 2011, 10:14 said:

    This drawing is actually pretty good. A little inaccurate, since I don’t see any kind of harbor, or even a dock, but hey, what do I know?

    I don’t know. Maybe the harbor is on the other side of the hill.

    They see a herd of Dinophants roaming around on some grassland, because apparently that city built on a little rock mountain next to the ocean has a lot of grassland in it.

    Maybe the grassland is off the picture to the right, inland.

    Dinophant apparently means “dinosaur-sized elephant,” not, thankfully, a cross between an elephant and a dinosaur.

  5. LoneWolf on 29 December 2011, 10:36 said:

    “Wait, so the dragons are the airships now? What the crap? Why are dragons suddenly referred to as airships? Just…ah!”

    Looks like a metaphor. Just like camels are called the “ships of the desert”. That’s not the worst metaphor Gloria wrote.

  6. Saai on 29 December 2011, 11:10 said:

    Is it just me or did the writing is getting worse? Maybe it’s always been like that.

    Ummm, Gloria needs to stop using awkward names. I accidentally read Queen Dido as Queen Dildo.

    Good graces, if I see Joey being hailed off as “great” or anything like that again, I will hunt that girl down and beat her with a stick. And spend the rest of my life frantically writing and reading and hope my writing won’t be as bad as hers.

    Anyone got a PDF of this?

  7. Fell Blade on 29 December 2011, 11:54 said:

    Looks like a metaphor. Just like camels are called the “ships of the desert”. That’s not the worst metaphor Gloria wrote.

    Yeah, except that she already had actual airships in the other book. Knowing the mind of Tesch, it is very possible that it’s a metaphor, but a really, really dumb one. That’d be like calling a camel train an “armada of ships of the desert”… Yeah, it just doesn’t work.

  8. LoneWolf on 29 December 2011, 12:29 said:

    I actually think Gloria’s writing is getting slightly better, but less entertaining. She’s approaching the Tough Guide to Fantasyland level.

    And to be fair, Queen Dido is a mythological figure, founder of Carthage.

  9. Fell Blade on 29 December 2011, 12:46 said:

    Careful, Maya! You want to keep that small waist. You can’t survive by the other physical assets alone!

    Hahahaha, awesome!!!

  10. Requiem on 29 December 2011, 13:04 said:

    I’m sure in the next spork the leader of those dinophants will be introduced. I also wouldn’t doubt that Esther may be ripped off here pretty soon, this is also has other allusions for instance Maya and Joey are like Xerxes trying to persuade the phoenicians at carthage to join them, and I guess that makes the evil empire like the greeks.

  11. LucyWannabe on 29 December 2011, 13:51 said:

    she was the daughter of King Belus from Ophir, and she married her uncle, but then her brother murdered her hubby and became King of Ophir, and she had to flee to Karthago

    Sounds like the typical of politics of ancient Rome.

  12. BettyCross on 29 December 2011, 13:53 said:

    I’m not looking forward to the Henry-Maya-Rasmos love triangle. :/

  13. Sweguy on 29 December 2011, 14:13 said:

    I love the way these guys thinks. It’s just so… incredibly monumentally awesome. Please, more thinking, Maya and Joey!

  14. LoneWolf on 29 December 2011, 14:58 said:

    We really need to create a Maradonia ‘Video Game’. There could be a Maradonia 3D adventure arcade-style game, and a ‘Maradonia-Strategy-Game’. In the latter, you can play all the “good” realms of Maradonia, or control the lands of the ‘Evil Empire’. All three Evil leaders can appear on the same map (since having only one Evil player is unbalanced). The Gothic Movement should also be in the game. The Unique Units, Leaders and Traits will be the following:

    Maradonia
    Leaders: Astrodoulos, Genarius or Maya (can use the Tarnkappe ability).
    Unique Units: Doves, Unicorn Cavalry, The ‘Pool of Blood’ brotherhood – receives 90% immunity against magical attacks.
    Unique Trait: Iron Fisted Rule: +2 Happiness in all cities (because the citizens know, that if they are unhappy, Maya’ll kill them all).

    Tyronia
    Leaders: Pergamon, Joey (can use the Key ability).
    Unique Units: Dragons.
    Unique Trait: TBD

    ‘Gothic Movement’
    Leaders: Alana, Tanya, Dorothy.
    Unique Units: The Salsa Dancer, The Gothic Girls’ Battalion.
    Unique Trait: The Oujia Board: Faster tech research, but -1 Happiness in all cities due to all the flying cutlery.

    Karthago
    Leader: Queen Dido.
    Unique Units: Dinophant, The Karthaginian Ship.
    Unique Trait: A Unique Technique – faster ship movement and construction.

    Ophir
    Leader: King Pygmalion
    Unique Units: The Ophirian Ship
    Unique Trait: The Gold of Ophir: +1 gold on tiles that already produce 2.

    Gorgonia
    Leaders: Krimhilda, Brunhilda (a unit of high strength).
    Unique Units: Gryphons.
    Unique Ability: TBD

    The ‘Evil Empire’
    Leaders: Abbadon, Apollyon, Plouton.
    Unique Units: Poisoners, Flying Saucers, Dark Fairies, Rawkens.
    Unique Ability: Shwartz-Pulver.

    The Pirate Civ. Usual pirate stuff.

    The Mermaid Civ, builds cities only on water.

    Tartessia, Punt, etc.

    Who’s with me?

  15. Ridureyu on 29 December 2011, 15:49 said:

    The dress is disguising Maya’s breasts. Each one is wearing a pair of Groucho glasses.

  16. Soupnazi on 29 December 2011, 17:17 said:

    The dress is disguising Maya’s breasts. Each one is wearing a pair of Groucho glasses.

    I can’t tell if that mental image is horrifying or hilarious.

    Maybe both.

  17. Zurvan on 29 December 2011, 17:51 said:

    How did Dominatio deduce anything from that second dream? The first was somewhat self-explaining, but the second one was complete and utter nonsense, in my opinion.

    Also, about the Maradonia video game: I think the Schwartz-Pulver was only used once, let’s make “Teamwork” the Evil Empire’s special ability!

  18. Kurt on 29 December 2011, 21:02 said:

    Please put the “Cushion of Burning Snowflakes” in the game. That is a very unique ability.

  19. Prince o' Tea on 29 December 2011, 22:23 said:

    Well Maya and Joey are in love one minute, the next they’re already all over someone new. Morgana who? Henry, who?

    Krimmy’s going to be in for a very pleasant surprise when it turns out Joey forgot about her after three days, and she only discovers that after spending most of her prissy little life as a slave. Of course, there are a lot of adolescents who behave pretty similarly, but I swear Maya and Joey are going to start going through members of the opposite sex like tissues.

    Oh and Terra Milli is the evil empire? Wow Gloria, placing the Evil Empire and defining the antagonist’s territory only took you over two books. Well done!

  20. Prince o' Tea on 29 December 2011, 22:23 said:

    Actually, both her breasts are wearing “Hater Blockers”

  21. Fireshark on 29 December 2011, 23:24 said:

    @LoneWolf: Epic win! I’ve also thought of a Maradonia video game, but not as an RTS.

    Maya wore a simple dress made from Tyronian purple. It was tailored to display her small waist, but disguised her other physical gifts (page 129).

  22. Ridureyu on 30 December 2011, 03:37 said:

    @Fireshark

    You win. Many, many internets.

    I had originally thought of one pair of Groucho glasses per boob, with the noses placed to avoid any nudity (we’re not into “The Salsa Dancing” here), but that is just… hilarious.

  23. VikingBoyBilly on 30 December 2011, 17:12 said:

    Groucho? Earthbound Zero fans unite!

  24. Deborah on 30 December 2011, 17:34 said:

    Another name for this sporking could have been ‘the Eyes of the Glimmer Man’
    That could be the title of a new album . . .

  25. prince of tea on 31 December 2011, 00:53 said:

    I also love the idea of the game. I’d totally play as the “goffick movement”. But I think they should be able to summon exploding oujia boards and monkey statues to crush their foes.

  26. Erin on 31 December 2011, 01:35 said:

    “This is not bad news, Queen Maya. This is just impressive news because it shows that you are a wise and tough ruler?”

    I love how this is a question and not a declarative statement. “You’re a wise and tough ruler, yes? No? No. Definitely no.”

    Also, I love the idea of the game as well. Yet at the same time, I would be apprehensive to play it because i think Maradonia is getting inside my head. I dreamed that I went to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie. Only instead of A Game Of Shadows, it was called Law Of Blood. There was human sacrifice and Watson spouted off a few ice cream koans.

  27. Fireshark on 31 December 2011, 02:36 said:

    Oh crap, Maradonia dreams? DO NOT WANT.

    Oh, and the game should have Hoppy somehow. I know he’s beem MIA for two books, but he could still be there to give stupid advice/hints/“wisdom.” Although that might work better in an action/adventure-type game, like the one LoneWolf mentioned before the RTS.

  28. LoneWolf on 31 December 2011, 04:01 said:

    Hoppy probably would work fine enough as a Clippy-style advisor.

  29. Taku on 31 December 2011, 06:45 said:

    That’s an interesting image.

    :beep: Hi! I see you’re trying to use a ‘Special Skill’. To unleash the ‘Glowing Heat Cushion of Burning Snowflakes’, press CTRL and bash your face into the keyboard.

    I think Maradonia would have worked best, ironically, as a video or tabletop game rather than a series of books.

    Also, ‘Glimmer Man’ sounds like a cool ontd_creepy meme, halfway between Edward and Slender Man. Or maybe just the central character in a Billy Joel ballad.

  30. LoneWolf on 31 December 2011, 07:29 said:

    _I think Maradonia would have worked best, ironically, as a video or tabletop game rather than a series of books. _

    Well, many fine computer games (like old Master of Magic) utilize the common fantasy themes Gloria took for some parts of her ‘Saga’.

  31. BettyCross on 31 December 2011, 11:44 said:

    Oh crap, Maradonia dreams? DO NOT WANT.

    I had a dream where I was back in college taking some sort of lit course, and the exam had only one question: Evaluate Maradonia and the Seven Bridges. Needless to say, I was very critical. I finished a half-hour early, which is unusual for dreams of this type. (Usually I’m running out of time with plenty of exam questions to go.)

    When I turned my blue-covered exam book in, the professor told me to come back at the end of the exam hour because there would be a brief meeting with a special guest. I came back at the end of the exam period and who do you suppose was there?

    Gloria Tesch, a special guest.

    We the students just stared at her in silence. I was personally quite embarrassed.

  32. Kurt on 31 December 2011, 11:48 said:

    I think Maradonia would have worked best, ironically, as a video or tabletop game rather than a series of books.

    Unfortunately, gamers are used to unoriginal plots in fantasy games. So a Maradonia game would fit right in. If we pretend the game is translated from Japanese, no one would complain about the dialogue. All the game needs is some cool graphics, maybe even by Marina Tesch. Her drawings seem to improve a lot faster than Gloria’s writing.

  33. Taku on 31 December 2011, 16:12 said:

    Ha! Yes!

    If we pretend the game is translated from Japanese, no one would complain about the dialogue.

    “Somebody set up up the poison!”

    Fits perfectly with the rest of Tesch’s dialogue, doesn’t it?

  34. LoneWolf on 31 December 2011, 16:27 said:

    Exactly. Plus a ‘Maradonia Video Game’ will be an astonishing and truly outstanding revolution in the gaming world. Previous Video Games offered materialistic or ‘Gothic Movement’ morality. A ‘Maradonia-Saga-Game’ will offer advanced high intelligent spiritual morality to children, and will be sanitized with virtue and honor.

  35. Fireshark on 31 December 2011, 16:29 said:

    I found the sci-fi Maradonia!

    http://www.amazon.com/Moon-People-Dale-M-Courtney/dp/1436372135

    I think Maradonia would have worked best, ironically, as a video or tabletop game rather than a series of books.

    I suppose if it was well-executed, it could be fun. But the story and setting still wouldn’t win any points, even without Tesch’s writing.

  36. Rorschach on 31 December 2011, 16:31 said:

    I found the sci-fi Maradonia!

    http://www.amazon.com/Moon-People-Dale-M-Courtney/dp/1436372135

    I have this book and intend to spork it.

  37. LoneWolf on 31 December 2011, 18:48 said:

    From the first page, it sounds like it’s even worse then Maradonia.

  38. BettyCross on 31 December 2011, 20:47 said:

    I’ll give Dale Courtney a pass. The Mard novels meet my requirement for cheesy fiction.

  39. Erin on 31 December 2011, 21:14 said:

    The 5-star reviews are hysterical.

  40. Fireshark on 31 December 2011, 21:57 said:

    I’d love to believe a troll wrote the book, but I can find no evidence either way. The trolls made some great reviews, though. Here’s my favorite of them:

    this was very good book and made me happy. i read it to my girlfriend she thought it was and god bed time story. we kissed for 5 minutes then we stopped.

  41. VikingBoyBilly on 1 January 2012, 00:40 said:

    And this is the Ruin Mist of Sci-fi:
    http://www.amazon.com/Crimson-Indigo-Points-Origin-ebook/dp/B004TMMHHY/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1325392799&sr=1-2

  42. Fireshark on 1 January 2012, 12:43 said:

    And this is the Ruin Mist of Sci-fi: http://www.amazon.com/Crimson-Indigo-Points-Origin-ebook/dp/B004TMMHHY/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1325392799&sr=1-2

    My eyes glazed over after just a few paragraphs of the sample. From what I’ve seen of Stanek’s stuff, it has the same effect. Still, to be the Ruin Mist of anything, I think you need tons of fake reviews.

  43. VikingBoyBilly on 1 January 2012, 13:35 said:

    Maybe he’s not fraudulent, but the author does have a pretty big ego.

    http://www.ofcrimsonindigo.com/
    http://www.grantfausey.com/fiction.html

    Not that it’s unwarranted. This guy is an amazing artist. As for writing, well..
    A friend told me he wrote some goofy comic about a caveman in the 80’s and listed it as his other published works. What I saw of that comic was laughably ridiculous. Though it’s not like he outright stated it was a full-length novel or anything, I think.

    http://www.bailsprojects.com/(S(ebqfu2yygghmtq55ve5q4v55))/bio.aspx?Name=FAUSEY%2c+GRANT
    http://images.comiccollectorlive.com/covers/3da/3da233c9-1446-47dc-9512-618d9ad1656a.jpg

  44. Kurt on 1 January 2012, 14:50 said:

    I’ve just discovered that the Pinball Protagonist article on TvTropes begins with a quote from Rorschach’s sporks. “ That’s literally all they do. Maya and Joey are observers in Maradonia while Sagitta and a couple other magical beings do all the fighting and bail them out when they get themselves into shitty situations. And, of course, in the process Joey starts a couple forest fires. That’s it. The entire effect of The Encouragers in Maradonia was to slightly damage the environment. These are our heroes “

    While it’s always fun to see Maya and Joey being dissed, I’d argue that the siblings are too important for the world of Maradonia to be true Pinball Protagonists. Even in the first book, they were the subject of a prophecy and became part of the royal family. I’d classify them as a cross between Useless Protagonists and Designated Heroes . Anyone agree?

  45. Fireshark on 1 January 2012, 16:04 said:

    Well, Maya and Joey make very few real decisions. They’re given missions by other characters or by the author’s whim. I would argue that they’re the same as video game characters in a very linear game. So while they are important to the plot, they don’t actually provide the driving force. I believe they may qualify as pinball protagonists, although the article does say some things that don’t apply to them.

    However, I don’t think they are useless protagonists, because they do things. True, it’s mostly just with special powers they are given, but they are skilled fighters and do play a significant role in the battles. Without Maya and Joey, the good guys might be screwed.

    They are very much designated heroes. I don’t need to go into that much.

  46. Ridureyu on 1 January 2012, 19:50 said:

    A pinball protagonist isn’t a “useles” protagonist. It’s just a protagonist who doesn’t really do things by his or her own initiative, and instead just goes through neutral as the plot happens to himj or her – Maya and Joey fit, as they’re really justthere to be blank readewr stand-ins and react to everything thatbounces them around.

    “Anew prophecy! Go here. Aha! Somebody got murdered! Well,l stand there, and you can overhear a confession! And now the dragon takes you here to be trained. Oh no, it’s poison!”

  47. Prince o' Tea on 1 January 2012, 21:55 said:

    I think pinball protagnist is an apt term for them, since they either have to prodded constantly in the direction of the plot, or are just drifting about aimlessly in a “let’s go see some unicorns and do whatever the fuck we feel like doing” fashion.

    “Hey we’re da chosen ones!”
    “Let’s go to Ocean Sea!”
    “Wait I thought we had to go to Savannah Prairie?”
    “No, Lake Lagoon.”
    “Oh all right then.”

    lalalalaseveralhundredpageslater

    “Oh look we’re the Chosen Ones!”
    “Here you go Chosen Ones. Here are some Deus Ex Machinas of Dramatic Tension Destruction, each one making sure that anything the villains throw at you will be at worst, a mild inconvenience. No one likes stories where the heroes have the slightest chance of failing!”
    “So cool!”
    “Look Maya, we’re saving Maradonia!”
    “Joey, I’m booored. I miss pizza, indoor plumbing, facebook and Benji Mouse.”
    “Let’s go home. I mean there’s an evil army parked outside the city gates, but the author has probably forgotten that they’re there, along with the sun never setting here and you never feel hunger or tiredness.”
    “Lalalala.”
    “Oh look it’s our best friend who was a main character 400 pages ago but suddenly stopped being mentioned!”
    “Hey assholes. Thanks for remembering me.”
    “Yeah… sorry… we thought you had run away.”
    “Fuck you you little sociopaths. You didn’t think about shit besides yourselves. Managed to save this shitty little kingdom yet?”
    “No we don’t feel like it anymore. Besides, Family Guy is on.”
    “Bye Happy.”
    “Hoppy.”
    “Whatever.”

    END OF BOOK.

  48. BettyCross on 2 January 2012, 09:36 said:

    “No we don’t feel like it anymore. Besides, Family Guy is on.”

    The thought of Gloria watching Family Guy eps on her laptop, with headset, in her bedroom and hoping Mom and Dad don’t find out, makes me laugh.

  49. Prince o' Tea on 2 January 2012, 16:58 said:

    She probably actually has a DS hidden under her mattress too. It would explain both her occasionally referenced contempt for videogames (overcompensating?), as well as the Final Fantasy IV vibes I got from one chapter.

  50. Fireshark on 4 January 2012, 22:10 said:

    Was that new article a ghost? It just disappeared and ate my comment on it.

  51. Kurt on 5 January 2012, 09:06 said:

    February 21st, 6:30 PM, Palm Harbor : East Lake Community Library promises “an amazing night” where YOU get to ask Gloria Tesch the burning question: HOW and WHY does she write?

    http://eastlakelibraryauthorsshowcase.blogspot.com/2011/12/tuesday-february-21st-2012-630-pm-lexi.html

    Gloria is joined by two other teenage authors: Lexi Bassford and Libby Svenson, whom I recognize from Gloria’s latest blog post . Unfortunately I live across the pond, so I’ll have to miss this wonderful opportunity to meet the world’s youngest novelist.

  52. Kurt on 5 January 2012, 09:08 said:

    Ah, screwed up the link. The correct link is here .

  53. BettyCross on 5 January 2012, 10:04 said:

    Thanks, Kurt. I went to Libby Svenson’s blog and this is what it has under “about the author.”

    I was born in Minnesota in 1994, but I’ve lived most of my life in Virginia and Florida. My first novel, Andromeda’s Turn, was started as a result of pure boredom during a road trip from Florida to Maine and back in the summer of 2007. I started with no serious ideas about writing a novel, but when I had drafted around 100 pages in those 4,168 miles, I spent the next few months writing, writing, editing and rewriting. My parents helped me with editing and the marketing of the final product, so it turned into a family project that ended up being a really great experience. I’m now a junior in high school and still write whenever I can. I’ve attended the Iowa Young Writers’ Studio and the Sewanee Young Writers’ Conference, and both further fueled my love for writing. Recently, I’ve been trying out more poetry and short stories but there are a couple new novels in progress, too. When I’m not focused on writing or school, I enjoy discovering new music, drinking tea and collecting ugly sweaters.

  54. BettyCross on 5 January 2012, 10:10 said:

    Libby Svenson’s book is about a teenage girl managing high school and adolescence. I suspect she’s a much better writer than Gloria.

  55. Pryotra on 6 January 2012, 20:30 said:

    Hi there! I just finished reading this entire sporking. Her writing really comforts me when I look at my outlines and think what crap I’m writing. I realize that even at my worst, I mention glittery air or something.

    Oh, by the way, that quote thing at the beginning about people sitting in darkness and seeing a light is taken (badly) from a Catholic prayer at Easter. I recognize it. It’s also said in an Eastern Orthodox Easter prayer.

    Figures that Glo couldn’t come up with anything original. Though I suppose she’s branching out in her plagiarism…

  56. Jaggers on 1 February 2012, 00:54 said:

    Glimmer Man is David Bowie’s evil twin.

    Glimmer Man, Glam Man — what’s the difference, really?

    Maybe Glimmer Man is not David Bowie’s evil twin, but just part of his dark side, one of his more sinister avatars.