Chapter Seven – A Gorgonian Fight

Princess Krimmy is thinking nonstop about King Joey because she’s head over heels in love with his firm, muscular, 15-year-old body. I guess that’s why, we don’t really get any reasons why she likes him.


‘All those dumb people actually think I am the happiest girl in the kingdom who has absolutely everything… royalty, riches, hair… like gold and… a beautiful, slender body… the most beautiful girl in all the kingdoms! The best dresses, boxes of jewelry and servants.

I hate it here! I hate it! Nobody knows how lonely and sad I am all the time!’

Princess Krimhilda burst into tears of despair (page 52).

Yeah, yeah. Your life is terrible because nobody understands how awful it is to live in the lap of luxury. Been there, heard that, don’t care.

Brunhilda comes in and yells at Krimmy for her mood swings. Then Krimmy accidentally lets it slip that she misses him, and Brunhilda finally puts two and two together and realizes Krimmy has the hots for King Joey. She immediately starts trying to explain why Joey is too young, too foreign, and a really bad match for Krimmy. Which doesn’t really make sense. From the point of view of the royalty, Joey’s a perfect match. He’s young, prime breeding material, and is King of the powerful country of Tyronia. He’s the perfect candidate to get married to Krimmy. However, Brunhilda isn’t a fan of the match, so she tries to convince Krimmy that Joey’s a whore. Because she knows about the mermaid fiasco:

“It seems that your Joey found this fish girl more attractive and apparently more exciting than you…” (page 55)

This doesn’t work and Krimmy starts hurling expensive vases and jewelry at her sister, who says that at first, Joey had the hots for her, but then he saw Krimmy and was immediately taken with her beauty. Krimmy gets up, runs outside, and takes off.

Chapter Eight – Garden of Tears

Turns out that Krimmy has a secret garden, which she calls the Garden of Tears, which is kind of a depressing name.

Krimmy cries. It’s not a single tear, fortunately. Instead, it’s a never ending flow of tears. She ponders this.

‘If I could collect every tear I shed over the years at this place, I believe it would be an entire stream of tears.’ (page 58)


After awhile Melanie, one of the midwifes, shows up. Krimmy wonders how Melanie knows about the Secret Garden, but Melanie has been around for awhile and knows all the castle secrets. She’s also experienced enough to know that Krimmy is in love. So she tells Krimmy a story about how once, as a young girl, she was out gadding around and met a gorgeous young man named…uh, Kevin. And they totally started making out. Krimmy is excited and wants to know what happens next, so Melanie whips out yet another Ice Cream Koan:

“Without ceasing your work of faith, your labor of love and your patience of hope you will never be really successful in life.” (page 60)

I think you might have left out a word or two, Tesch, because that sentence makes no fucking sense.

Kevin proposes and they organize a secret marriage and wedding out in the forest, along with their wedding night, a la Braveheart. And…oh god…Tesch tells about the wedding night:

It was a night of sweet tenderness and explosive passion… a night of brief pain and full love (page 61).

That’s Tesch referencing the pain of losing your virginity. And that is a sentence I never thought I’d type.

So of course, it turns out that in this village that only the parents can choose their child’s spouse so their marriage was totally verboten. Naturally, Kevin and Melanie decide to just stroll around the village like man and wife, necking. And the gossip begins. So her parents and the village council has a meeting to decide what to do because two young foolish teenagers had the audacity to hook up without their permission. And how do they decide to respond to this most wicked of transgressions?

That’s right. They decide to kill Kevin.

Seriously. Apparently this crime is so horrible they need to kill the guy.

And now it’s time for some more Bible plagiarism: They send Kevin to war and give a letter to the captain:

‘Set Kevin to the forefront of the hottest battle and retreat from him so that he may be struck down and die because he does not follow the ancient rules in our community!’ (page 62)

In case you’re not familiar with this story, this is when King David knocked up Bathsheba and needed to get rid of Uriah, her husband.

The plagiarism continues for another page and half with sentences and paragraphs lifted almost verbatim from the Bible, and finally Tesch starts making up her own story again. See, after Kevin got shot, he pulled out some paper and wrote Melanie a note with his own blood…that was oozing out of his arrow wound. Okay, I can buy that. And then he gave the note to a passing dove who flew it back to Melanie. No, seriously, that’s what actually happens.

Tesch even reprints the letter:

‘It is cold…so cold around me’ (page 65)

It goes on, but it’s not particularly interesting. But still. Is there a bigger cliché than someone dying saying how cold it is?

Krimmy asks Melanie how she dealt with all of that, and Melanie replies with yet another random bit of nonsense:

“Well, the world is divided into ‘Dreamers and Doers’ and we are mostly surrounded by ‘Empty Shell People’ who always try to tell us what to do.” (page 66)

And this is relevant…how?

Finally Krimmy opens up and tells Melanie all about Joey and how much she loves him and how annoying Brunhilda is. Melanie says that although she’s been tasked with keeping an eye on Krimmy, she doesn’t agree with that, so she’s going to help Krimmy sneak out to visit Joey. They’ll visit a couple of griffins who live in the mountains who conveniently happen to owe Melanie a favor, and the griffins can fly Krimmy to Tyronia. Krimmy is delighted with this, so she heads off to pack her bags.

Chapter Nine – Shadows of War

And we’re finally back with Maya. She’s one of the two main characters, and I’d argue she’s even more of a main character than Joey is. And she doesn’t show up until 71 pages into this book.

Maya is chilling out waiting for Senator Hilton and Judge Kingston. Apparently Maradonia urgently needs some reforms, so Maya put Dominatio in charge of all the affairs of state, which is probably a good idea, since Maya doesn’t know jack shit about affairs of state.

Queen Maya had commanded the three wise men from Villusio Island to join her (page 72).

I think Maya needs to learn something about being a leader. One of those things is that you don’t ‘command’ a bunch of old geniuses to come and help you run your country. You fucking ask them.

Of course, all three of them are down with being ordered away from their homes and lives and being put in charge of running an entire country, and they pretty much handle everything for Maya.

Queen Maya learned in a relatively short time how to approach political goals (page 72).

Well. Of course. I mean, she went from knowing nothing about swordplay to a cross between Aragorn and The Bride In about a week and a half, so why isn’t she a natural at politics?

And…one of her goals was to win the forthcoming war against the Evil Empire! (page 72)

I guess that’s better than wanting to lose the war.

There’s a big council, at which Maya exposits to everyone that Maradonia has the best Spy System in pretty much the world. These spies have informed them that Apollyon plans to attack Tyronia again, and then he’ll invade Maradonia. And they really need to sign a treaty with Karthago.

General Montega, who’s in charge of the navy, speaks up and says he doesn’t understand why they need Karthago’s ships, since everyone knows that the Powers of Evil (despite believing in teamwork) are deathly afraid of water. Maya then promptly hands Montega his ass on a plate with all the trimmings and says of course, Apollyon knows that everyone knows his fear of water, which is why nobody would expect it. Plus, he can use the pirate ships to attack via the sea. Now, there’s no point wondering why Maya hasn’t bothered to keep the General in charge of her entire navy informed about any of this vital information that is crucial to keeping Maradonia safe. We know that Maya is really bad at communication, it’s why Genarius is dead and she’s the Queen. But I would like to raise a different point, and for that, I’ll need to bust out the map.

It’s interesting to note that there really isn’t any water between the good guys and the bad guys. Why, precisely, are ships all that important?

Sure, you could argue that Apollyon needs ships to attack Tyronia, and that’s true, but I need defending Maradonia is a lot more pressing since they’re a lot more vulnerable to attack.

Anyway, the plan is to form an alliance with Karthago, then attack the pirate ships and wipe out their navy. Everybody wins! Except Apollyon, of course.

Maya explains that Apollyon has one million warriors and he’s planning on marching into Gorgonia first to take them on. However…if they can just get that alliance with Karthago, and if Karthago is willing to send two hundred ships, each ship loaded with ten Attack Dinophants, they could totally win the war. So, essentially, if they can convince Karthago to fight the entire war for them, they could win.

I’m not sure what a Dinophant is, but I’m guessing it’s a Tyrannosaurus rex with an elephant trunk.

Apparently, Ophir, Tartessus, and Punt have all informed them that they’re staying neutral, so Maya is going to Karthago to negotiate a treaty and she’s leaving Dominatio in charge.

We get a couple pages of pretty boring details about them preparing for war and buying weaponry and shit like that, and finally Maya starts wrapping up and mentions the disappearance of Abbadon, and the rumors that Joey killed him. She tells them that Joey had nothing to do with it.

“I assume that Plouton, the younger brother of Abbadon may have plotted against his older brother, but I am not quite sure.” (page 78)

Well of course she assumes that. She’s the Protagonist, and one of the side effects of that is Never Being Wrong.

Then again, I’m not sure why anyone would care. Apollyon and the Powers of Evil are their sworn enemies, they’ve already declared war on Tyronia, they marched into Maradonia and laid siege to the capital, and Abbadon murdered King AstroJesus. Why would anyone care of Joey killed Abbadon? I think they’d all be delighted.

The meeting winds down, but before it ends, Dominatio asks if he can ask them all something. Kingston says okay.

Chapter Ten – Power of Dark Craft

Dominatio explains that when he was hanging out with Prince Michael, he grew very attached, and wants to adopt Michael as his son so Michael has a loving father figure. Since Maya let his actual loving father die. Maya is fine with this. Of course, Genarius wanted Maya to be Michael’s legal guardian, but they decide that Michael can have two legal guardians and they’ll throw Dominatio into the mix.

Suddenly General Goran starts crying. It gets awkward, and finally Armstrong asks what’s going on:

“Goran…what’s going on…man? Why do you cry?” (page 82)

Goran explains that he had two sons, but they were kidnapped and his wife was murdered and he wants to know what happened to them. Maya wonders aloud what the bad guys are doing with all the kidnapped children. Plot point!

Melchisedek says that once, he saw in a vision a bunch of kids being dragged inside a huge black tower and he’s always wondered what was going on with the kids and the tower, but he couldn’t figure out because his vision was blocked. But he could feel the evil power of dark craft. Spooky!

Drinks: 71

Tagged as: ,


  1. BettyCross on 9 December 2011, 22:44 said:

    I get to post the first comment! I feel honored.

    Who the Sam Hill is Melchisedek? Did I miss something?

  2. Rorschach on 9 December 2011, 22:50 said:

    @BettyCross – Melchisedek is one of the three wise men who Maya travels to with Prince Michael.

    Gold of Ophir Spork Pt. 15: World War Three

    (scroll down to chapter 52)

  3. Soupnazi on 9 December 2011, 23:08 said:

    So in this installment, Tesch goes from kind of poetic (“Garden of Tears” sounds really pretty, IMO) to frightening (wedding night!) to bad horror (beware the ‘empty shell people’!).

    You know, something I’ve noticed—aside from the bible and a little bit of Narnia, Tesch at the very least seems to be original. I mean, it’s still absolutely insane and nonsensical… but it’s a bit better than Paolini, at least in the originality sense? (Going from Eragon and a bit Eldest, not Brisingr and Inheritance.)

  4. WulfRitter on 10 December 2011, 00:23 said:

    That’s Tesch referencing the pain of losing your virginity.

    o.O Squick. Just squick. o.O

    And again the names. Dear lord, they make no sense. I mean, we have Senator Hilton and Judge Kingston and then we have Krimhilda (seriously? No, no. Seriously?) and Kevin. And Melchisedek? OK, I know she yanked Melchisedek from the Bible, but it still seems out of place in a world populated with Kevins and Senator Hiltons.

  5. No One on 10 December 2011, 00:35 said:

    Melchisedek says that once, he saw in a vision a bunch of kids being dragged inside a huge black tower and he’s always wondered what was going on with the kids and the tower, but he couldn’t figure out because his vision was blocked. But he could feel the evil power of dark craft. Spooky!

    Why do I suddenly think of Tamora Pierce’s Protector of the Small: Lady Knight? In that book, they have children being taken into a castle to be used in some death magic.

  6. BlueMask on 10 December 2011, 00:56 said:

    My exact thought as well. GTesch is living proof of the saying,
    “Your work is both good, and original. However, the parts that are good are not original, and the original parts are not good.”
    Good spork, as ever.

  7. LoneWolf on 10 December 2011, 09:21 said:

    The ‘Deep and Tragic’ love of Krimhilda is so ‘Deep and Tragic’.

  8. prince of tea on 10 December 2011, 09:43 said:

    Tell you what Krimmy, why don’t you and your Goldie Cape find some poor person to swap places with, and they can enjoy your luxury and riches, and you can feel sorry for yourself on a stained mattress in a leaky, cockroach ridden little hovel? Until then stfu. God, in that one paragraph, krimmy has become one of the most annoying characters in the book. Besides why is brunhilde being such a cock blocker? She bedded and wedded her husband on the same night she met him.

    Also why does Gloria seem to think that her books are more interesting if she removes just about anything that will give the “heroes” something to work against? I swear, if Maya and Joey want anything, whether its a spoon for their cereal or a deus ex machina weapon, the universe will simply hand it to them. If anything inconveniences them, it will be removed. The evil empire might as well pee on a duck, nothing they do will have any effect on the Suesome Twosome.

  9. swenson on 10 December 2011, 10:57 said:

    Oh my word. Gloria, please just stop with the sex references. Sparkling air was bad enough, mmmkay?

    Also, yes, Krimmy is really annoying. It’s like, okay, you’re sad and lonely, but that’s not the worst that life can be, can it? I’ve been sad and lonely plenty in my life, but I still at least was able to appreciate a family that cared about me, a comfortable place to live, enough money to buy books and an Internet connection, access to adequate education, the fact that I live in a country not ruled by a dictator, the fact that I don’t have to work in a sweatshop to support my family, the fact that I’ve never gone thirsty or hungry, etc. etc. Perspective, folks.

    I guess I can kind of understand the typical teenage angst of feeling sorry for yourself for a minute or two, but you’d think she’d get over it. Or, seeing as she’s been raised as royalty in the wonderfully open-minded world of Maradonia, she would’ve been taught to be a critical thinker and to care for others, etc. etc.

    I also have no idea why the Uriah Biblical references were in there. Did the king have an affair with Melanie and she got pregnant or something? Because that’s what happened in Uriah’s story.

  10. Kurt on 10 December 2011, 14:05 said:

    Krimmy is based on the useless annoying princess cliche which should have died before Gloria was born. I predict that we’ll also see the second part of that cliche: She will get captured by the bad guys and rescued by Joey. And then they’ll experience a night full of love and… you know what.

    The Dinophants of Karthago would be funny if they appeared in the Flintstones.

  11. BettyCross on 10 December 2011, 16:51 said:

    The reference to cherry popping makes it clear, if there were any doubt, that Gloria’s writing for kids her own age.

    Krimhild sounds like she’s about Joey’s age.

    BTW, the excerpt from this book that Gloria read on the radio features pirates trying to kidnap Krimhild as she travels to see Joey. So Kurt’s surmise is very likely correct.

  12. LucyWannabe on 10 December 2011, 16:53 said:

    So…Carthage Karthago is going to send elephants dinophants. I see.

  13. Requiem on 10 December 2011, 18:19 said:

    Wonder if good old hannibal will show up to cross the mountain range over to bad guys lair? Also dinophants is a hilarious concept, I wish instead Kathargo had crocoducks to battle it out with the rawkens though.

  14. Erin on 10 December 2011, 20:07 said:

    Y’know, the way this is written, it looks like Goran completely forgot about his family and it took hearing someone talk about another kid for him to suddenly remember, “Wait! I have kids too, and they’re in danger! And my wife is dead!” Wow. Husband/father of the year right there.

  15. Fireshark on 10 December 2011, 23:34 said:

    Does the Empire even own any territory? How does it support a million soldiers? Are there any peasants? Farmers? Lazy conworlding, Tesch.

    I see ‘single quotes in italics’ are back.

    It was a night of sweet tenderness and explosive passion… a night of brief pain and full love.

    It’s as if millions of readers cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

  16. Requiem on 11 December 2011, 01:28 said:

    the evil empire might own a few islands, who knows maybe gloria will pull something out of the blue like usual. I have no clue how you could support a million soldiers, an army that large would take a massive amount of land and a large amount of farmlands to do so. If you have demons or orcs they get the special ability of cannibalize.

  17. BettyCross on 11 December 2011, 02:15 said:

    It’s as if millions of readers cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

    Fortunately, there aren’t millions of readers.

  18. BettyCross on 11 December 2011, 02:16 said:

    Does the Empire even own any territory? How does it support a million soldiers? Are there any peasants? Farmers? Lazy conworlding, Tesch.

    The 2 million man army of the Evil Empire hasn’t been mentioned since volume one. I just assumed Gloria forgot about it.

  19. LoneWolf on 11 December 2011, 07:56 said:

    I bet that army will appear again with no explanation when Gloria finally decides to do her Epic Battle of ‘Good and Evil’.

  20. Kurt on 11 December 2011, 08:26 said:

    Does the Empire even own any territory? How does it support a million soldiers?

    They could be zombie soldiers. The Evil Empire employs necromancers. right?

  21. BettyCross on 11 December 2011, 09:21 said:

    They could be zombie soldiers. The Evil Empire employs necromancers. right?

    Or they could be demons or orcs or halflings led by Mama Gertrude.

  22. Kurt on 11 December 2011, 10:08 said:

    Or they could be demons or orcs or halflings led by Mama Gertrude.

    Who cannibalize each other, as Requiem mentioned. Which is why the army is decimated to 1 million man from the 2 million in book one.

  23. emanon on 11 December 2011, 12:13 said:

    Album: Empty Shell People
    Genre: Alternative / Indie Rock
    Band: The Dreamers and Doers

    Track Listing:

    1. Empty Shell People
    2. The Mermaid Fiasco
    3. An Entire Stream of Tears
    4. Brief Pain, Full Love
    5. Kevin and Bathsheba
    6. Villusio Island
    7. Attack Dinophants
    8. What’s Going On, Man? (Why Do You Cry?)

  24. Kurt on 11 December 2011, 14:14 said:

    9. Beautiful Slender Body (I Hate it)
    10. It is Cold (When I Die)
    11. Power of Dark Craft

  25. Prince O' Tea on 11 December 2011, 17:45 said:


    I guess Gloria watched Return of the King the night before she typed this, or something.

  26. LoneWolf on 11 December 2011, 19:05 said:

    Actually, I think that Tesch’s writing is slowly improving. 2 books more and she’ll reach $t@nek level. Which has its downsides – while Tesch’s writing is bad enough to be entertaining, $t@nek’s is just plain bad.

  27. Prince O' Tea on 11 December 2011, 21:23 said:

    Mmmm. Same with Twilight: I was hoping it would be so bad its good, but it just turned out to be… bad.

    Also going from Glo’s descriptions of Brunhilda, I can’t help but picture as looking like Muscle Princess from Adventure Time.

  28. Fireshark on 12 December 2011, 09:41 said:

    Stanek (from the excerpts I’ve seen) is just plain incomprehensible to me. Like, every individual word makes sense, but if I just read it at a natural speed, I don’t get what he’s saying. I’m not sure how to explain it.

    (Stanek writing)

    “He is using you to keep me in check. He knew I would brood over the injustices he has given you and think not of other things – escape. That is exactly what I did.”

    And I’m actually reading Twilight for the first time. Boring as hell. Also, Bella’s a bitch. That’s all I get from it.

  29. Fell Blade on 12 December 2011, 10:49 said:

    Bonus hidden track:
    “Every Tear I’ve Shed” (feat. Melanie & The Midwives)

    Also, does she really expect us to take Dinophants seriously? Oliphant was pushing it honestly (and I’m a Tolkien fan), but Dinophant is taking it to a whole new level.

  30. LoneWolf on 12 December 2011, 11:09 said:

    “He is using you to keep me in check. He knew I would brood over the injustices he has given you and think not of other things – escape. That is exactly what I did.”
    “He” hurts “you” so that “I” will focus on the injustices done to “you”, instead of “my” own escape. The last sentence is indeed ambiguous.

  31. swenson on 12 December 2011, 11:58 said:

    @Fireshark – …that sentence… yeah. It made sense at first, and then I got to the end of the sentence and went “What?”

    Parsing tiem!

    First sentence is obvious—“he” (the villain, I presume?) is using the listener to keep the speaker in check.

    Second sentence: I think it’s saying the villain knew the speaker would brood over the injustices the villain has given the listener and that the speaker would think not of other things, such as escape.

    Third sentence: If I’ve interpreted the second sentence correctly, then this most likely means “‘Not thinking of other things such as escape’ is exactly what the speaker did.” But yeah, you could interpret it in an equally valid manner to say “Escaping is what the speaker did.”

    You know, I’ve never actually read any of Stanek’s writing before. You’re right, that’s not So Bad It’s Good, it’s just plain So Bad It’s Painful.

  32. Prince O' Tea on 12 December 2011, 14:04 said:

    I couldn’t even finish Twilight, because of Bella’s self pitying, monotone whine. Does the girl ever NOT feel sorry for herself or instantly dismiss everyone if they are not attractive enough by her standards?
    “Oh god, look at this spotty guy trying to be nice to me. Ugh its so gross. Why can’t ugly people leave me alone? Yuck look at this girl’s ugly hairdo, I’m not even going to try and listen to what she’s saying, she’s lucky I deign to let her breathe near me.”
    “Oh my god a good looking person is being friendly to me! He’s the nicest person I’ve met today even though quite a few other ugly people were very nice to me too but they’re ugly so it doesn’t count.”

  33. Fireshark on 12 December 2011, 16:58 said:

    I usually figure out what Stanek means in the end, I just keep going back, saying “What?” Reading his writing is such a chore; it just doesn’t flow at all to me.

  34. LoneWolf on 12 December 2011, 18:30 said:

    When I mentioned Stanek, I meant cliched fantasy settings and characters who are rather generic, but not funny.

  35. Vikingboybilly on 12 December 2011, 20:20 said:

    If someone can try to make sense of the Of Crimson Indigo preview pages on Amazon, I’ll be your best friend.

  36. Prince O' Tea on 12 December 2011, 21:21 said:

    Speaking of Stanek…

    I actually almost cried when I found out Brian Jaques died. Sure I went of his books years ago (too much Strictly Formula and black and white approaches to morality, which are also reasons I went off Harry Potter) but his books were a big part of my childhood and I was pretty sad to hear of him passing. Maybe he’s up in heaven with Stanek’s legs.


  37. Prince O' Tea on 12 December 2011, 21:24 said:


    There are no words.

  38. Vikingboybilly on 12 December 2011, 22:36 said:

    Robert Stanekhas a gift for making his characters real like living breathing people.


  39. Prince O' Tea on 12 December 2011, 22:46 said:

    He can’t even make forum posters sound convincing. Those are some of the crummiest sockpuppets I’ve ever seen (and yes I am saying this on a blog about Maradonia)

  40. Fireshark on 13 December 2011, 02:12 said:

    Now I picture Stanek legless, drifting along a few feet off the ground. :D

    With the sockpuppets, though, that actually has a lot to do with his writing talent. I mean, all characters need to talk and act somewhat differently from each other. And that’s the problem with Stanek’s clone army. It sounds like the same person hundreds and hundreds of times.

    Maybe all authors need to spend some time pretending to be multiple people online. And if they fool everyone, they get one of my Internets. But Stanek and Tesch? No, no treats for you two!

  41. Prince O' Tea on 13 December 2011, 19:49 said:

    “But Tesch writes refreshing books sanitised with virtue and honour and for the doing of good for the many! Maradonia is not just a book it is a life style since it encourages all who read it to realise their own powers and captures our longing for love, life and death!”

    Oh god typing that out made me feel so dirty, like cut my hands off and set fire to the stumps dirty.

  42. Vikingboybilly on 13 December 2011, 21:19 said:

    The thing that’s curious about Stanek is that he pumps out hundreds of technical manuals. He must be getting an adequate income from that. Yet he keeps hyping up Ruin Myst, his failed franchise. What’s the big deal? Did he put that much of his heart and soul into those ghastly tomes?

    It’s sad he claims to have gotten the motivation to write it while he was stationed in Asia somewhere. I mean, there was so much there he could pick out as inspiration to write something meaningful or original, but he writes some mundane medieval fantasy books?

  43. Prince O' Tea on 13 December 2011, 23:59 said:

    One of my neighbours went around the world, seeing ruined temples in Indonesia, slept in the Amazon rainforest, saw the Aurora….

    She is still one of the most petty, spiteful, calculating, materialistic people I have ever met. You’d think seeing the world would make someone a bit more open minded and less concerned with bullshit, but apparently not.

    Oh lordy bee. At least Glo has the excuse of being 16 when she writes things like this about herself. Stanek? Uh uh. Makes you wonder if Gloria is going to get worse as she grows older, and will still be behaving this way into her forties.

  44. LoneWolf on 14 December 2011, 00:18 said:

    I actually find it easy enough to understand Stanek, because his writing, while muddled, is also very cliched.

  45. Kurt on 14 December 2011, 07:48 said:

    Gloria turns 18 next April. Maybe her parents will stop funding the “Saga” then. They’ve promised they will release “Battle for the Key” in 2012, and that will hopefully be her last book. I don’t think Gloria ever will be capable of writing something that could be published for real.

  46. BettyCross on 14 December 2011, 10:55 said:

    Post-split, “Key” would be the sixth book. She claims to have a plan for nine novels all told.

    Gloria is currently writing her next Trilogy of three novels: “Maradonia and the Lost Secret of Kra” as well as “Maradonia and the Unleashed Beast” and “Maradonia and the Curse of Abbadon.”

    She’ll keep churning this stuff out until Papa Tesch figures out that aside from her detractors, she remains unknown outside the Tampa Bay area, and stops paying for self-publication; OR, until she suddenly realizes, “OMG, I’ve put my name on 6/7/8/9 books full of crap” and refuses to write any more.

  47. BettyCross on 14 December 2011, 14:34 said:

    I don’t think Gloria ever will be capable of writing something that could be published for real.

    Don’t be so sure. Everything I wrote before about 1990 I threw away, not even saving it on a backup disk, because it was just awful. I had some of the same shortcomings as Gloria: poor characterization, implausible dialogue, plots that just went everywhere and nowhere. These are the usual vices of beginning writers.

    I had a long apprenticeship, and many of my friends didn’t think I could write fiction. Now I have two published novels with two more on the way.

    My conclusion is, Gloria may someday produce a decent work of fiction that could be accepted by a real publisher, but she has a long road to travel before she gets there.

  48. LoneWolf on 14 December 2011, 15:39 said:

    Yes, but did you have One of the Worlds Youngest Novelist’s ego?

  49. Prince O' Tea on 14 December 2011, 16:48 said:

    Add Mr and Mrs Tesch constantly coddling you and saying everything that lands on the page is brilliant and wonderful and perfect, and you have a recipe for disaster. Tesch is doomed.

  50. LoneWolf on 14 December 2011, 17:11 said:

    Not to mention Leah Dallaire.

  51. Kurt on 14 December 2011, 17:34 said:

    I know it’s a hard judgement. But seriously, look at her blog – she’s 17 and can’t even write proper English. To make a good writer out of her, she would have to attend a grammar course to learn the stuff her homeschooling failed to teach her. Then a psychology course, because right now she believes that “teamwork” is evil, and “ruling with an iron fist” is good. And most importantly, as LoneWolf points out, she would need to shrink that ego and accept criticism.

    It’s not going to happen. She’s a poor kid who got pushed into writing by her stage parents. There’s an old interview where she says that even the name Maradonia was not her invention. It was based on a suggestion from her father, who I’m pretty certain also “suggested” most of the plot to her. She doesn’t have the stamina to work seriously on her own. When the Maradonia Saga finally ends, in one of the two ways BettyCross mentions, Gloria will simply fade away into obscurity.

  52. BettyCross on 14 December 2011, 18:00 said:

    as LoneWolf points out, she would need to shrink that ego and accept criticism.

    Yes, she needs to do that first, and I agree her family isn’t helping. I was fortunate in that my relatives told me my early stuff wasn’t publishable either, although they encouraged me to persevere.

  53. prince of tea on 14 December 2011, 23:09 said:

    Also… I’m guessing Kevin’s parents were totally cool with their son’s practical death sentence (since they didn’t speak to the city council with Melanie’s parents despite being equal grounds to be pissy), and Melanie’s parents were were thrilled with the prospect of their daughter potentially being a widowed single mother (cos you know, sex makes babies and all, and teenage newleyweds are going to ne at it like rabbits).

    Yeah seems a lot of effort to go through just to spite their children.

  54. Prince O' Tea on 15 December 2011, 00:05 said:

    Maybe Gloria thinks that the Middle Ages were actually a wonderful time to be a single mother and most parents would be thrilled at the prospect of their daughter becoming one to the point of offing their son in law out of spite?

  55. meaninglessprose on 16 December 2011, 17:05 said:

    Fell Blade: ‘Oliphant’ is a very very very old way of saying elephant, so it wasn’t something new when Tolkien employed a variant of the spelling (Oliphaunt) for his large, elephant-like creatures.

  56. BettyCross on 16 December 2011, 17:09 said:

    Dinophant = terrible elephant, parallel to dinosaur = terrible lizard. Maybe that’s all it means, but somehow I doubt it. Gloria likes hybrid animals.

    Hawk + Raven = Rawken

    is the precedent for

    Dinosaur + Elephant = Dinophant

  57. Prince O' Tea on 16 December 2011, 21:44 said:

    Poison + Glitter + Tree = Poison Glitter Tree

  58. BettyCross on 17 December 2011, 11:23 said:

    Poison + Glitter + Tree = Poison Glitter Tree

    The motif of poisoning occurs again and again in the Mard books. Also, an aversion to snakes. I know a lot of people who are afraid of snakes, but not many with an obsessive fear of being poisoned. What’s up with that?

  59. Fireshark on 17 December 2011, 11:31 said:

    Maybe it’s just a “good tactics vs evil tactics” kind of thing. Like, poisoning is a bad way to fight, while lopping off heads is heroic.

    Evil guy: “Let’s attack the enemy with our magic!”
    Eviler guy: “No… LET’S USE POISON!!!” >:D

  60. BettyCross on 17 December 2011, 15:00 said:

    Eviler guy: “But what about POISON?” >:D

    Fixed it for you.

  61. Kurt on 17 December 2011, 17:02 said:

    Considering that Maya and Joey are immune to the powers of the Evil Empire, poison may be the only way to kill them.

  62. BettyCross on 17 December 2011, 19:05 said:

    Bathing in the lake of blood made their bodies invulnerable, so you’re probably right about that, Kurt.

    It makes for a boring story though.

  63. Requiem on 18 December 2011, 01:20 said:

    The two sues really aren’t that intelligent though so they can be easily tricked. If you can’t poison them you can always trap them in a place they can’t escape or send them off into outer space. They may be invulnerable but they can’t live without oxygen.

  64. BettyCross on 18 December 2011, 10:09 said:

    @Requiem, I’ve been thinking about that too. Gloria needs to have more imaginative villains. Otherwise a very predictable series of poison conspiracies will continue. On the other hand, her protagonists aren’t very smart either, so the author will continue to nudge the plot along in the way she wants it to go.

  65. LoneWolf on 18 December 2011, 13:17 said:

    To be fair, Gloria’s villains are kinda cute.

  66. Requiem on 18 December 2011, 13:47 said:

    who wants to come to the club of evil so we can sing mother earth songs and plan a way to defeat these sues with the power of friendship? I’ll make a batch of evil empire cookies.

  67. Prince o' Tea on 18 December 2011, 17:45 said:

    I so need to continue my script where Alanna Terrance comes back to life, and saves the lands of Maradonia and Tyronia with the legendary blade, Suebane.

    As for the Evil Empire cookies… BUT WHAT ABOUT POISON?

    Also, it isn’t just the poison, but that snakes are evil. Remember? The bible said so. Snakes are always evil. No exceptions. If a snake crosses your path and says “no you can’t go this way”, the only appropriate response is to decapitate it on the spot. It’s a snake, and snakes are evil according to the Bible, and no snake is worthy or deserving of simple discussion as to why it wants to block your path so badly. Same with witches, according to the Tinder Box. (I remember being read that story, when the “hero” murders the witch for simply asking for her tinder box back and for not saying why she wanted it back, even though she told the hero how to get all the gold and silver he wanted in exchange for getting it for her. My teacher actually seemed rather startled by that, and said “Wait… what? That wasn’t very nice of him.”)

  68. BettyCross on 18 December 2011, 19:43 said:

    @Prince, I’d love to read it, but be prepared for Gloria’s plagiarism suit, which you know is coming.

    Sued for plagiarizing the Maradonia books — what a ridiculous concept.

  69. Requiem on 18 December 2011, 23:28 said:

    Snakes can actually be helpful and good in some cases. They can eliminate a pest problem such as rats that spread disease. In mythology they represent fertility,rebirth and eternity. But I guess if we have to follow the christian tradition then snakes are evil in that sense.

  70. prince of tea on 19 December 2011, 01:00 said:

    Considering her past record, I honestly wouldn’t be surprised. Hopefully she’ll use the same legal team as Sylvia Scott Gibson and be laughed out of court.

    Not just that but some snakes are pretty cute and awesome, like Adder in Animals of Farthing Wood. Unfortunately the “snakes are bad” seems to be firmly engraved in fiction. I remember being very surprised that Lanayru in Twilight Princess was not only a good guy but a divine being, considering how rare good snakes are in fiction.

  71. BettyCross on 19 December 2011, 09:21 said:

    @Prince, I can understand the temptation to rewrite the Mard books. A much better story could have been made of Gloria’s concepts. However, it’s Gloria’s responsibility to improve the quality of her work, not ours.

  72. Deborah on 23 April 2013, 16:25 said:

    Not all snakes in the Christian tradition are bad—there was the snake in the wilderness that the Israelites could look at in order to be healed of a plague.

  73. HamsterZerg on 15 December 2013, 17:45 said:

    EvilerER Guy: Let’s all use snakes!
    EvilererER Guy: I say we all team up!
    EvilerererER Guy: Let’s be SMART!
    Linkara: …There is something SERIOUSLY wrong with you guys if you think that teamwork and intelligence are evil!
    HamsterZerg: Linkara, Mermaid Man, let’s just leave this dump. It’s obviously a place showing Stupidity Theatre.

  74. Mr. A on 10 June 2023, 01:20 said:

    “Without ceasing your work of faith, your labor of love and your patience of hope you will never be really successful in life.” (page 60)

    So if I want to succeed, I need to cease my work of faith, my labor of love and my patience of hope. Gotcha.


    See, after Kevin got shot, he pulled out some paper and wrote Melanie a note with his own blood…that was oozing out of his arrow wound.

    ‘It is cold…so cold around me’ (page 65)

    You know that part of Monty Python and the Holy Grail where they find that inscription about “the Castle of aarrggh”?

    BEDEVERE: What is that?

    MAYNARD: He must have died while carving it.

    LANCELOT: Oh, come on!

    MAYNARD: Well, that’s what it says.

    ARTHUR: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn’t bother to carve “aarrggh”. He’d just say it!

    MAYNARD: Well, that’s what’s carved in the rock!

    GALAHAD: Perhaps he was dictating.

    My point is, I think Kevin would have carved the “aarrggh”.