Chapter Three – A Bloody Battle
Bertha spots Joey and orders Brawn Brandon and Tough Robby to focus on Joey and his dragon.
Dozens of Rawkens swarmed around and attacked King Joey and Tarakann, but the fire spewing dragon consumed and kept most of the Rawkens away (page 21).
Which is exactly how I predicted a fight between Rawkens and dragons would go. Here’s my question: if one dragon can keep dozens of Rawkens at bay merely by being a living flamethrower, why aren’t all of the dragons doing this?
Joey jumps aboard his dragon and they start flying, Joey dual-wielding his sword and dagger and hacking Rawkens apart. However, despite their best efforts, the Rawkens continue to keep blinding dragons.
King Joey, swinging Adar Cory across the fast passing Rawkens thought, ‘This is not good! No…not good at all! We are in the middle of an absolutely nasty battle…But again, is there such a thing as a nice battle?’ (page 22)
Not really. On the other hand, in the middle of a frenetic aerial dogfight while you’re sitting on the back of a fire-breathing dragon, duel-wielding edged weapons against an army of flying pit bulls, do you really have time to think poetic thoughts like this? I posit that you do not.
A couple Rawkens land on Joey’s shoulders. One of them tries to rip open Joey’s artery while the other tries to tear out his eye. But the scales on the back of the neck from the Morgana adventure protect him. And….uh….what protected his eye? And the other 85% of his neck not protected by these scales?
The battle is not going well, though, because Tesch says it isn’t. Finally Joey relents, pulls out the Key, and starts blasting away.
Many Rawken warriors were hit and exploded as fire balls in mid air as two mountain dragons flew by accident into the laser beams and also exploded (page 25).
Nice job, Joey, murdering your countrymen. Also, why is the Key causing things to explode? It’s a cross between a phaser and a flamethrower and a lightsaber. None of those things make dragons explode.
However, even that isn’t making a difference, because….I don’t know. But then Joey orders a retreat back to the mountain. The dragons grumble as they go back, but once they land Joey pulls out the Key again and starts mowing through the Rawkens like nobody’s business. Apparently he wasn’t able to do this while flying around, but he is able to do it while standing on a mountain. That makes a very, very small amount of sense, but not really. Sure, it’s a lot easier to aim and shoot straight when you’re on solid ground, but the Key is not a precision weapon. You wave that thing in the general direction of your enemies and you turn them into Maradonia Fried Chicken.
Bertha orders a retreat as Joey picks off the last of the stragglers. Everyone is happy, even Danny, who is badly wounded. So are many other dragons.
Anger escaped from King Joey’s mouth (page 28)
I’m not sure if that’s actually physically impossible. Also, please show, don’t –
Joey furrowed his eyebrows. He grabbed his sword and slammed the tip into the dirt as he let out an angry gruff through his teeth! (page 28)
- tell. Also, when you show, don’t make it utterly ridiculous. And what the hell is a ‘gruff’?
Everyone is cheering and happy because of the dramatic victory….except for Joey. Because Joey believes that using the Key was actually a mistake:
Joey felt that the real winner of the battle over the Strait of Tyronia was none other than King Apollyon himself (page 29).
Because of course, God forbid that one of the Heroes actually be mistaken about anything. No, the Heroes are Always Right about Fucking Everything.
Also….and this might just be me…if you think that using the Key is going to fuck you over in the long run, don’t use the goddamn Key.
Chapter Four – Two Coffins
Everyone in Tyronia is absolutely ecstatic about the victory and a huge parade is organized. Joey is very tired and complains about this to Emoogie:
“Emoogie, I am very tired! I feel so sore… please tell me, what’s going on here? I have never seen these women before! Are they dead or what…? Or is this another Tyronian tradition I am not familiar with? Please tell me… I also need my bodyguards or an arm bearer to help me carry these heavy weapons.” (pages 32-33)
Good lord. Nut up or shut up, Joey.
Emoogie explains:
“These two women are twins… Izusa and Tanika! Born at the same day!” (page 33)
Which for twins, is actually more common than you’d think.
Apparently, the twin sisters were the keepers of an ancient book known as the Necromanus. Fair enough. Some people show up and seat Joey on a cushion and get him some green tea to drink. Joey sips his drink and exposits that the book can pretty much tell the future, unfortunately, the book has been destroyed. Right?
Chapter Five – The Missing Children
Everyone wants to know who is in these coffins. Speculation runs wild. Some people talk about how Terrible Trudy, the evil fairy, and her three daughters, called Halflings – wait, Halflings? Why not just call them Hobbits, Tesch?
Joey is confused by this, because he’s heard that the spirits can’t reproduce like humans, they can only recruit others to follow in their dark footsteps. I don’t feel like going back to check on whether or this has actually been established, because I don’t care enough.
Tesch rambles for a while and eventually gets back to the story. Apparently the bad guys attacked the library to steal the books and they threw the two priestesses down a hill, which normally would have killed them, but the deity (King Roach, i.e. God) decided to keep them alive and put them in a coma instead of just…I dunno, healing them? Anyway, Joey can awake them from their sleep by touching them with the tip of his sword (not that sword you perverts), reciting a ‘magical aphorism’ and then kissing their forehead. The aphorism, if you will, is very long, random, and nonsensical. But Joey does all three and surprise! The women wake up. What do you know, exactly like it was prophesied.
The sisters ramble for a bit and they both try to take the blame for fucking things up. They mention that the Powers of Evil (who Believe in Teamwork) have been kidnapping children to involve them with Necromancy. Joey perks up and mentions that back in the day, he recalls a village that Apollyon’s men would frequently raid back in the first book.
Chapter Six – The Book Necromanus
Joey thinks, and nothing happens. So he closes his eyes and concentrates on his inner man. I’m dead serious:
King Joey closed his eyes and concentrated on the voice of the inner man as he usually did in similar situation (page 45).
Joey can see the priestesses in their real form, which is pretty ugly. They have wings, scales, goat horns, shark teeth, and yellow fangs the size of Joey’s finger.
Joey asks them some questions about missing children. You see, Apollyon’s soldiers have been kidnapping children and sending them to the Education Camp, the Castle, or the Dark Tower of Knowledge.
“We know that for a very long time that the Demon Apostle Krassus is the ruler of that region and that the Duet of Evil, the doorkeeper Larivier and the fairy Gertrude with her Half bloods are part of the school for sorcerers, witches and necromancers.” (page 46)
Wait a second. Krassus, the Demon Apostle? Why does that name sound familiar?
Oh yeah. That would be why.
Also…the Duet of Evil?
Joey asks the sisters if they just want the Necromanus or are they wanting help from Tyronia to punish the thieves and recover the book. The sisters say they want both. Joey says to come back in a few days and they’ll think about it, but he’s unable to make any commitments because his army needs time to recover from the battle they just fought, which is reasonable. One of the sisters, Tanika, says that it will be very easy to recover the book. And suddenly Joey turns into even more of an asshole:
“Hahahahaha…A very easy task? You crack me up!” Joey was laughing so hard that he nearly fell from his chair. The twins stared silently and remained quiet…
“An easy task?!? What is any easy task in this World?” King Joey replied and suddenly became very unpleasant, lowered the tone of his voice and continued sarcastically, “Are you kidding me? Do you really think that it is an easy task to cross the High Plateau of Death, the remote wastelands of Terra Mili, the territory of King Apollyon?” (page 48)
Now, I agree with what Joey is saying – these sisters are probably nuts. But does he really need to be such a jerk about it? He’s the king, sad to say, and with that comes a slight responsibility to be mature and not respond sarcastically when people ask for things.
Izusa and Tanika grew more and more uneasy. With synchronic movements they turned their heads, waved their arms, and rolled their eyes (page 48)
They’re able to do all three things in perfect synchronization?
“You don’t understand…King Joey! We have to protect these kids from reading and learning about that book because it will consume them over time. This book will swallow any uneducated reader and will eat them alive!” (page 48)
Protecting the children from being consumed? This is the Necromanus, not Harry Potter. Of course, it turns out that this book actually does have demons inside it. They live by the law of blood…to survive, they suck the life out of anyone who reads it. Plus, if someone who’s very powerful gets hold of the book, they could release all the demons who could then destroy all of the Seven Kingdoms. Wait, there are seven kingdoms? There’s Maradonia, Tyronia, and Gorgonia….and Karthago, I guess. And the Powers of Evil. Then again, they believe in teamwork, so maybe there’s three of them. I guess that makes seven.
Joey asks the dragon Emoogie what he thinks. Emoogie says that one of these days, they’ll probably need to help the sisters out. Which doesn’t really make sense. Either you think the sisters are full of shit, and you don’t help them, or you believe them, which means you believe that pretty much at any time someone could bust the demons out of this book and destroy the entire known world. Which means it should probably be a priority.
Drinks: 68
Kurt on 29 November 2011, 06:13 said:
Seeing “Tough Robby” mentioned in the first sentence made me laugh. Please don’t tell me that Joey murdered him as well.
I nominate “Concentrate on the voice of the inner man” as our next T-shirt slogan. It shows that Joey is indeed a serious child.
@Rorschach, about the seven kingdoms: Ophir is the fifth kingdom. The other two are called Tartessia and Punt, according to an old newsletter by Tesch.
BettyCross on 29 November 2011, 08:55 said:
Oh, crap. Gloria’s discovered H P Lovecraft. Aaaaaaaaah!
Moggo on 29 November 2011, 08:59 said:
Am I the only one who read “Seven Kingdoms” and immediately thought about ASOIAF?
Also…Tart-essia?
Prince O' Tea on 29 November 2011, 10:01 said:
Duet of Evil sounds like a Castlevania game. Or that the Club of Evil is investing in flute, singing and harp lessons to accompany their Mother Earth songs.
Tartessia = Maybe it’s populated by sentient pastries. Is Tesch a fan of Adventure Time?
Spanman on 29 November 2011, 10:39 said:
They must really like boats. Or football.
BettyCross on 29 November 2011, 11:36 said:
Tartessia is an obvious reference to Tartessos, an ancient somewhat mysterious city in southwestern Spain. Some have speculated it’s the origin of the legend of Atlantis, and others that it was an early colony of Atlantis.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tartessos
Gloria may have dabbled in the Atlantean myth at some point.
LoneWolf on 29 November 2011, 12:19 said:
Some people talk about how Terrible Trudy, the evil fairy, and her three daughters, called Halflings – wait, Halflings? Why not just call them Hobbits, Tesch?
How Terrible Trudy and her daughters what?
Everyone wants to know who is in these coffins.
Why can Joey see what’s in these coffins, but everyone can’t? Is this ever explained?
Joey sips his drink and exposits that the book can pretty much tell the future, unfortunately, the book has been destroyed.
What? He doesn’t know about the twins, but does know about their book?
Joey perks up and mentions that back in the day, he recalls a village that Apollyon’s men would frequently raid back in the first book.
Back in the day, he recalls? Um, what’s with the tense jumps?
Vikingboybilly on 29 November 2011, 12:21 said:
I was wrong. Gloria HAS read lovecraft^_^
__ Necromanus… so that’s Necronomicon + Robo Manus from battletoads?
I want to see a portrait of Izusa and Tanika in their true forms.
The next album:
1. A Magical Aphorism
2. Duet of Evil
3. An Angry Gruff
4. Uneducated Reader
5. The Necromanus.
BlackStar on 29 November 2011, 12:38 said:
Am I the only one who finds this imagery hilarious?
Prince O' Tea on 29 November 2011, 12:40 said:
Why the hell is Joey suddenly ranting about how using the Key is evil, under any circumstances?
In the first book he was gleefully using it to incinerate entire forests, and what he thought were innocent sentient ravens… in the second book he uses it to blow up Sluttie and Cassie’s ships, and then he incinerates some policemen who were trying to arrest him…
But one of the only times he uses it in a straighforwardly heroic manner and not to murder wildlife/policemen, he suddenly starts saying “Using this evil thing makes me evil too!” Whut? Seriously, WHUT WHUT WHUT?
BettyCross on 29 November 2011, 12:55 said:
@Viking, I presume the new album is death metal / black metal. Am I right?
Not looking forward to what Gloria does with the Great Old Ones.
So, we suddenly find out Gertrude has 3 children, in addition to two lackeys. Halflings? Gloria must really hate Tolkien.
Prince O' Tea on 29 November 2011, 13:24 said:
The Great Old Ones are probably going to have names like Tentacle Steve, Big Mama Bad and Mean Mike.
Fell Blade on 29 November 2011, 13:33 said:
@Vikingboybilly,
Songs written and performed by Demon Apostle.
This stuff just keeps getting worse. Gloria’s writing adds whole new meaning to “off on a tangent”.
Requiem on 29 November 2011, 14:24 said:
She had to go and ruin lovecraft…this saddens me. Lovecraft is one of my favorite writers and he’s now going to get butchered by Glo. Although it is possible she got the idea from watching evil dead, either way it pisses me off to no end.
I’m beginning to think joey is going to turn evil soon well more evil than he actually is and have to fight his sister. Perhaps these big bads are merely stand in dragons until joey takes over their kingdoms and then he’ll pull a griffith and kill all the people who trusted him for divine power over the underworld and unleash demons.
I could be wrong but this twist would actually make the story more interesting as bad as it is. A war of the sues over 7 kingdoms.
BettyCross on 29 November 2011, 14:33 said:
She won’t ruin Lovecraft for me, any more than she’s ruined the Bible, Greek and Norse mythology, or anything else.
LoneWolf on 29 November 2011, 15:37 said:
Could it be that with the Evil School of Sorcery Gloria is attempting to write an Anti-Harry Potter?
Prince O' Tea on 29 November 2011, 15:40 said:
Hell why not. She already has a Club of Evil, why not have a School of Evil too?
Ridureyu on 29 November 2011, 15:56 said:
When Anger escapes from your mouth, I imagine it’s kind of like Phoenix Wright’s lethal OBJECTION!!!
LoneWolf on 29 November 2011, 16:17 said:
I remember a Russian Nationalist answer to Harry Potter that briefly made news here in Russia in 2005. It involved brave Russian boys battling evil We$tern and Jewish wizards.
LoneWolf on 29 November 2011, 16:22 said:
Also, I am confused. Are Isuza and Tanika Evil, since their real forms are so ugly?
Kurt on 29 November 2011, 16:47 said:
The Anger escaping means that Tesch has finally realized it is a bad idea to use cuss words in a book for YA.
Also, did anyone else notice how utterly predictable the
boring“Bloody Battle” was? Tesch follows her established pattern:(x) Lots of blood shed;
(x) – but not a scratch on Joey, who barely breaks a sweat while defeating the enemy.
(x) No surprises, as everything goes by plan (in this case, Apollyon’s).
@Prince O’Tea: The evilness of the Key is another bad retcon by Tesch. I can’t remember that Joey ever used the Key against policemen, though.
BettyCross on 29 November 2011, 17:55 said:
I agree, Prince. It seemed morally neutral until this book. Suddenly Gloria wants to make it like a Ring of Power. Is there a volcano to throw it into, and is this why we suddenly discover there are halflings in Gloria’s magical world?
Vikingboybilly on 29 November 2011, 18:03 said:
Is “A Bloody Battle” The chapter that Gloria read for that radio interview?
BettyCross on 29 November 2011, 18:25 said:
No, Joey and his flaming Key weren’t present for that one. A woman named Kriemheld (sp?) was riding on a griffin across the ocean when the Rawkens attacked. There was also a pirate ship.
Fireshark on 29 November 2011, 18:30 said:
I don’t think we can be sure Tesch has read Lovecraft. I mean, I’ve heard of the Necronomicon, and I never read him. I think it’s sort of become part of pop culture, kind of like Cthulhu. And of course, some people seem convinced that the Necronomicon is real. It doesn’t help that people keep making fake ones. So add this to Tesch’s fundie-ness, and I think it’s probably just another reference to the baddies being TEH EVUL.
Kurt on 29 November 2011, 18:31 said:
@BettyCross: It was princess Krimhilda of Gorgonia, nicknamed “Krimmy”, love interest of Joey.
Prince O' Tea on 29 November 2011, 20:52 said:
Maybe her Goldie Cape is actually a dormant/larval stage Elder One, that has already devoured Krimmy’s soul and is using her as a puppet, and is planning on becoming Joey’s bride, so it can use him to devour the souls of Tyronia, and grow into its true form.
Prince O' Tea on 29 November 2011, 21:00 said:
Sorry, not Elder One, but more like a Great Old One or an Outer God. Its true form is something much more nasty and Lovecraftian.
Yeah I agree with you Betty and Kurt. Gloria probably watched Fellowship of the Ring again, and has decided that she wants her very own Artifact of Doom. Too bad she’s decided that when Joey was actually using the key for straightforward heroism (probably one of the only times he and Maya have actually done anything heroic), and not when he was murdering sentient wildlife for his own sociopathic amusement, or incinerating some policemen who weren’t actually evil (I would say what he did to Snowblitz counts as Disproportionate Retribution at the very least).
Erin on 30 November 2011, 19:00 said:
And we have a title drop!
I’d like to think that Joey suddenly feeling bad about using the key means he’s maturing and will gradually become less of an asshole. I’d like to think that, but I know Tesch better than that. He’ll probably blast Maya’s new dog with it pretty soon.
Also, wow, there is a Krassus the demon apostle! This whole time, I thought it was something they made up for the “movie.”
BettyCross on 30 November 2011, 19:15 said:
Erin, the only spec of character development is the Mard books is that Joe[y] starts out looking at everything as a get-rich-quick scheme, but later “matures” out of that.
Fireshark on 30 November 2011, 19:56 said:
According to dictionary.com, “apostle” can only be used to refer to the disciples of Jesus and other specifically Christian things. If it can mean something else, please tell me. Otherwise, Tesch is seriously misusing the word.
BettyCross on 30 November 2011, 21:22 said:
Well, Fireshark, if you can have an anti-Christ, then I suppose the anti-Christ can have anti-apostles (demon apostles) as well.
meaninglessprose on 30 November 2011, 21:55 said:
Kurt: “The Anger escaping means that Tesch has finally realized it is a bad idea to use cuss words in a book for YA”
Umm, no, curse words in YA is incredibly common, I think you might mean MG?
Requiem on 30 November 2011, 23:19 said:
There are demon apostles in berserk who serve the four demon gods so I don’t think it’s entirely impossible. Hell i’m using disciples in my book but disciple can be used for more than one meaning and doesn’t necessarily have to be holy.
Nolifeking on 30 November 2011, 23:22 said:
demon apostle..that remain me of Berserk
Vikingboybilly on 30 November 2011, 23:23 said:
6. Evil School of Sorcery
7. The Demon Apostle
8. Tough Robbie
9. Brawn Brandon
10. Another problem…?!
11. It seems to be a fact
12. The Gahanna
Kurt on 1 December 2011, 12:49 said:
The school of necromancy made me recall the scene in Gold of Ophir where Suttie and Cassie saw Alana’s corpse in the hospital. If they had stolen the body and brought it back to Maradonia, Alana might appear as a Gothic Zombie and kick Maya’a ass again.
@meaninglessprose: Yeah, I should have added “a book for YA and MG that attempt (and desperately fails to ) to teach Christian values.”
@Erin: I don’t feel Joey is growing more mature. He didn’t feel a hint of remorse for blasting those two dragons, which would probably have killed their riders. He’s just worried about the punishment King Roach will deal out for abusing the Key.
BettyCross on 1 December 2011, 16:59 said:
And then eat her brain?
Erin on 1 December 2011, 18:59 said:
Oh, don’t get me wrong Kurt. I don’t believe Joey is growing more mature at all. Nobody in this book is. That would require character development, a concept that is beyond Tesch. It just brought me a little satisfaction that, for once, he wasn’t a completely gleeful asshole about the key.
However, the first time I read this spork, I missed the part where he’s just worried about his own arse. But you’re right, this is so. He’s still as much of a sociopath as ever. siiiiiiigh
The Cat on 2 December 2011, 10:34 said:
Is it just me, or is that video making fun of the books?
It has to be, right?
Right?
LoneWolf on 2 December 2011, 13:13 said:
You’re new to this trailer, are you? But no, it’s not satirical at all.
Vikingboybilly on 2 December 2011, 16:35 said:
even though team tesch claimed it was a parody for some time.
BettyCross on 2 December 2011, 17:31 said:
Ah, yes, the “Celebrity Soup” trailer. It looked to me like a half-assed attempt to create the illusion of huge public demand for the first Maradonia book.
However, in the scene set at the fictitious studio exec’s office, the tone appears to change. Unless the Tesches are totally insane, that part an attempted lampoon of the film industry.
So, yeah, I think part of it really was intended as a parody.
LoneWolf on 3 December 2011, 05:50 said:
Fair point.
prince of tea on 3 December 2011, 19:35 said:
You know, for quite some time I’ve been wondering if glo might start introducing anti gay references to go with her other leanings, and it seems we might be getting some:
“Joey is confused by this, because he’s heard that the spirits can’t reproduce like humans, they can only recruit others to follow in their dark footsteps.”
Just like homosexuals, spirits can’t reproduce, so they must recruit! We’ll have to see where she is going with this, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she dislikes the gays as much as she dislikes pagans, goths and video gamers.
Also when did gertrude turn out to be a mommy? I don’t remember lorris or ceara talking about gertrude’s daughters ever.
Another thing that bothers me: what is Maradonia exactly? Glo can’t seem to make up her mind on whether its the planet on which the story takes place, a country in a pocket dimension, a country that’s in Earth but seperated from earth by a magic barrier, a continent, an country amongst many others (but alone is termed the “world between worlds”) and so on.
Also why is the evil empire called an empire, when their domains consist of one or two remote castles, an underground torture facility and an evil waterpark? Pretty insubstantial terretoiry to be called an “empire”. There is no evil empire marked on any of the maps of maradonia.
Kurt on 4 December 2011, 06:18 said:
Prince, are you trying to make sense of the books? You need a drink.
I can only answer your last question: The Evil Empire controls the land of ‘Terra Mili’ on the Maradonia map. As for what Maradonia is … I’d like to hear Gloria’s answer to that.
LoneWolf on 4 December 2011, 07:31 said:
Well, Maradonia is a name of both the country and the ‘World between Words’ is which this country is located.
BettyCross on 4 December 2011, 12:35 said:
@LoneWolf, that’s as good an answer as we can come up with without asking Gloria.
DictatorHat on 4 December 2011, 12:48 said:
And thus will the ultimate badasses, necromancers, be reduced to a bunch of annoying morons.
prince of tea on 4 December 2011, 13:25 said:
Yes… But these are things I’ve been wondering since seven bridges, and over two years and two books later gloria is wildly inconsistent on them. But we are talking about a girl who doesn’t know the difference between a lake and a lagoon so… I do need a drink.
Well gloria tesch’s readerbase is tiny, once you take us away, and non existent when you take away her friends and family, so necromancers are fine. Vampires however, are ruined forever, along with the formerly cool word “twilight.”
Requiem on 5 December 2011, 03:06 said:
Vampire’s will make a comeback they’ve just been so filtered to a preteen audience, all they need is to be brought back to their vampiric roots and given the correct image as either complete savage monsters like nosferatu or classy enigmatic badasses like the original dracula. The only spin you might need to do is create an original story and write it well, and most of all keep to the lore.
BettyCross on 6 December 2011, 18:36 said:
I’m dying to see Gloria’s Halflings. In her newsletter, she mentions Orcs will be coming along too.
Prince O' Tea on 7 December 2011, 10:23 said:
Hey LoneWolf, I notice Team
didn’t notice the sarcasm in your comment on Glo’s archery video, and published it.
Niiiiiiiiice.
Fireshark on 7 December 2011, 14:29 said:
Haha, epic win!
Vikingboybilly on 7 December 2011, 23:45 said:
“That proves the ‘Popularity of Gloria Tesch’. The World’s Youngest Novelist is respected and admired by Mayors, Governors, Presidents and Kings all over the world. Ever”
Betty and I had a laugh at that last week and I had a feeling it was Lone Wolf’s style.
HamsterZerg on 15 December 2013, 17:08 said:
Homestar: O Holy Cwap.
Seriously, is MissingNo. going to become “Glitchy Guy Thing”? Is Parallax going to be known as “That Scary Yellow Thing”? Are the Zombie Goasts going to go as “The Undead Undead”? And what about Y-Escaos? Will it become “Bubbleribbons”?
Wait, did I seriously type “BUBBLERIBBONS”?! Tesch, you’re gonna have to be glued together in the museum by the time the Great Elemental Forces That Are are done with you!