Chapter Forty-One – The Ghost Town

And here we are. The last Maradonia sporking – until the Tesches get around to publishing the final volume. I know you’re all waiting with bated breath.

Maya and Joey are still looking for Krimmy, but without success. They land outside a city called Ganesa and decided to go talk to some people. However, the city is empty, and Maya and Joey have this odd feeling that someone is following them.

Some fog moves in, which concerns Joey.

“I don’t understand this and I’m asking you Maya, where did the fog come from? Look, this doesn’t fit together! How could it be windy and foggy at the same time?” (page 364)

I admit it’s not a terribly common occurrence, but I have experienced wind and fog at the same time.

The Encouragers realize they’re lost, because they haven’t been keeping track of where they’ve been going and of course they left the dragons outside the city. I’m not sure why they consider themselves lost, since they have the Tarnkappes, which allow them to travel in football-field-length leaps. It shouldn’t take them more than a few minutes, heading in any direction, to get outside the city.

Maya decides to send out a telepathic call for help.

The problem was that she did not call Master Dominatio or Libertine directly as usual. She just pushed a general call for help over the telepathic waves… not knowing who might answer (page 364).

Trust Maya to fuck things up.

Suddenly an old man shows up. They grab their weapons but the man says he’s a man of peace and faith. He thanks them for coming to pick him up. Joey says they didn’t. The man points out that just recently Maya sent out a call for help. There’s a bit more verbal sparring. Turns out the old man is one of the immortals, and he knows who they are, that Maya can access the Fifth Dimension, and that she can conjure fireballs and destroy cities and stuff.

“Wow, you are pretty well informed and your words of appreciation are lovely but they don’t convince me!” Joey said (page 366).

Even if this was true, it would still be hilariously bad dialogue. As it is, the man isn’t saying anything with appreciation. And he doesn’t appear to be trying to convince them of anything.

The old man’s name is Cris Cornelli. Cornelli explains that he’s one of the eight immortals that live in the Crystal Palace in the eternal ice fields of the Oguna Ogini Pass. And he’s willing to help them in exchange for something. They ask what, and instead he launches into a story. I’ll quickly summarize, since it’s basically an exact copy of the downfall of Lucifer from heaven. Apollyon used to be a gorgeous angel – sorry, Light Carrier – in the Kingdom of Light. One day he was given the Divine Golden Breast Plate, everyone started cheering for him, in went to his head, and he decided he was going to overthrow the big man upstairs and be in charge. Naturally, this didn’t work, and so God – sorry, the King of Light – cast Apollyon down to earth with all his followers with a dramatic page-long speech that ends with this gem:

“And behold… … I have chosen two children! These children will enter your land and they will show you your limitations.” (page 371)

That’s right. GOD HIMSELF decreed, thousands of years ago, that Maya and Joey were specifically chosen to enter Maradonia and show Apollyon his limitations.

Cornelli talks Maya and Joey up and explains that they are legendary and special and stuff. Joey wants to know how Cornelli knows all this, so Cornelli explains that an old wise man named Atlas (naturally) has it all written down in a book.

Blah blah, the Golden Breast Plate was taken away, Apollyon wants it back but can’t get it. Then a bunch of smart people came together to perfect their knowledge.

“Basically it was a Brotherhood of Positive Thinkers.” (page 373)

This brotherhood has a lot of powers – prophecy, healing, teleportation, time travel, walking on water, controlling the elements – basically, everything that the X-Men can do.

The exposition continues. I’m not sure who told Gloria Tesch that the climax of her book should be pages upon pages of boring exposition, but I want to punch them in the face.

The breast plate gives people healing powers, but one of the chaps with healing powers brought a couple dwarfs back to life, which is against the rules, so God took the plate away and hid it. Then 400 years later it was found and people took care of it and were responsible, until one day an evil man decided to steal it. This evil man was an albino, because as everyone knows, all albinos are evil. Cornelli can’t even speak the albino’s name for fear that the albino will sense it. Fair enough. The albino shall be known as Voldemort.

Cornelli and a chap named Godwin went out to find the breast plate and eventually they did and he has it with him, although Godwin died during the effort. And now Cornelli needs a ride back to the secret valley. On a dragon. Maya and Joey think it over and decide to help him out.

“The King of Light has a plan and it seems that we are part of this plan… even if we are confused like jellyfish in the ocean.” (page 377).

Are jellyfish particularly confused sea creatures?

Chapter Forty-Two – The Mythical Garden

They start flying. Cornelli makes it rain which will help disguise them. They talk about the Lady of the East, who apparently has some kind of message for Maya and Joey. I don’t recall the Lady of the East. The Character Index in the back tells me that she’s the voice of wisdom and knowledge, which is super helpful. Thanks for including that, Tesch!

They land in the Mythical Garden and start walking and get the feeling they’re being followed. Then they see something that looks like a Veil or a portal into a different world. And then they notice a woman standing next to a tree. Cornelli flips his shit, and we jump inside his mind for a few minutes while he reveals himself to kind’ve be an incompetent coward. Wait, we just established how powerful this dude is, why is he wimping out?

The Lady says they shouldn’t go and rescue Krimhilda because Apollyon and all his minions are waiting to trap them. Instead, they need to help Cornelli return the Breast Plate, stopping by the city of Magadan, so Cornelli can conjure up the rain. There’s been a horrible drought in the area, and now a couple Orcs [really, Tesch?] control the water supply. The Lady exposits about how despicably evil the Orcs are, and wants Maya and Joey to kill them. Then she turns into an Ibis (a white bird) and flies away.

Chapter Forty-Three – Until The Last Breath

Maya and Joey head for Magadan and roll inside the city. They meet up with the mayor, Gustafson, and explain that they’ve come to kill the Orcs, liberate the city, and supply them with water. Gustafson laughs at them, but Maya and Joey say that they’re not joking and ask him to tell them about the current situation. And…god fucking dammit, here comes MORE exposition.

There are two different races, the Moncheros, who are dark skinned, and the Danuffies, who are lighter skinned and live underground. They don’t like each other and fight over water and life is bad and it used to be much better and even their famous Hanging Gardens no longer exist. And each day the Moncheros and the Danuffies send out some soldiers and they fight in the city square to see who gets control of the water pool. Huh. Brilliant idea. Why not just flip a coin, or alternate days?

The warriors start fighting to the death and finally Cornelli runs out and stops everything and says he’s going to make it rain. He raises his arms and it starts pouring rain. After awhile his arms start getting tired so Maya and Joey have to hold his arms up so it keeps raining. And yes, this scene is ripped off from yet another Bible story.

Eventually he stops and everyone comes out and starts celebrating and cheering and treating him like a God. A woman starts kissing him and then she drags him inside her house [!!]. Maya and Joey hang on to the breast plate while Cornelli gets laid. Suddenly Joey sees someone with white skin and hair – it’s Voldemort! Before he can react Voldemort grabs the breast plate from Maya and takes off. Joey chases after him, chops his fingers off, recovers the breast plate, and beheads Voldemort. Hooray!

Gustafson taps Maya on the shoulder (literally) and points out that there’s still the problem of the Orcs. Maya asks him to send the Orcs a message that Maya and Joey are here to kill them. Gustafson sends a couple soldiers with the message and only one comes back. And there’s another life that Maya could have saved if she wasn’t an idiot.

After a couple pages the Orcs, Graul and Brutus, show up. Maya saunters out into the middle of the square, and twenty soldiers come out to help her. Graul asks where Maya is. Dude, she’s right in front of you.

“I am here to kill both of you… prepare for death!” the Warrior Queen of Maradonia answered stoically (page 394).

I don’t know about you, but I got chills.

They fight. Maya parries a few blows which lets Joey slip up behind Brutus and eviscerate him. Graul and Maya square off and fight. It’s very dramatic and a few random redshirt warriors are killed. Maya leaps around and ducks and spins and parries and leaps up onto a giant horse statue and jumps off and stabs Graul through the back and then chops his head off with a single blow. Everyone goes crazy and celebrates.

As they celebrate, Joey notices a strange-looking dude with a white goatee and pig tails coming out of a black cylinder on his head, which sets off all sorts of alarm bells for me, but apparently Joey thinks nothing of it. The strange-looking dude talks to Gustafson for a few minutes, and then Gustafson comes up with a couple chalices and offers Maya and Joey a drink.

So they drink, of course.

Suddenly, Maya and Joey started to cough heavily…realizing too late that they were poisoned (page 398).

They fall over and launch into a couple dramatic speeches. Maya says it’s getting dark and cold, and Joey says that he loves her. Then they sink into unconsciousness.

They slipped deeper and deeper until they reached a very different place. A place packed with shadows…dancing and celebrating…shadows of Gnomes and creatures of the Outer Planes. But it was cold there…very cold (page 398).

And with that, I think we finally have the answer to that age-old question: “But What About Poison?”

Drinks: 71

And thus concludes the Maradonia sporks, for now at least. According to the Tesch’s website, Maradonia and the Battle for the Key is supposed to be published this year, but I haven’t heard anything about it in awhile. When it comes out, I will, of course, purchase and spork it.

Couple quick notes about this book: first, it includes a Character Index at the end, which is actually moderately helpful at keeping track of the metric fuckton of characters. There are some problems with it, however. First, there are a number of characters who have never been mentioned at any point in any of these books. I imagine some of them may show up at some point, but it’s annoying.

Second, the description contains spoilers. For example, remember Jafar and Jahy, the two boys that Krimmy was hanging out with? Yeah, they’re actually the long-lost sons of General Goran. Way to spoil that reveal, Tesch.

Third, some of the descriptions are just kind of…bizarre. Here’s the description of Joey:

Brother of Maya. Tall, well built, brown hair. Around the age of 14-17. Skater type. Outgoing, doesn’t care what other people think of him. Pretty shallow minded and mean. Later he grows into a softer and nice character. But hidden, there is a side of him which shows his innocence. He learns fast and has a tremendous understanding of knowledge. (page 404).

Setting aside the fact that apparently Tesch doesn’t know how old her main character is, I think “Pretty shallow minded and mean” is one of the best descriptions of Joey that I have ever heard.

The book closes with 38 reader testimonials that last for nine pages. I’ll quote from the last one and my personal favorite, by Armando N. Psychologist. There is strong evidence that Armando N. is merely a sock puppet of the Tesches, but that only adds to the review, I think.

“The Maradonia Saga will certainly have a longer life line in the future than the Twilight or the Harry Potter series.”

Gold.

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Comment

  1. swenson on 19 March 2012, 18:24 said:

    It’s… it’s… done? I don’t quite know how to feel about that. On one hand, no more psychopathic protagonists and Ice Cream Koans and insanity and horrible sex scenes. On the other, at least we get to be done with the series!

    Ahaha. I keed.

    Cornelli makes it rain which will help disguise them.
    Wasn’t it already really foggy? Why do they need further weather-based disguises?

    As for the exposition, my word. It’s like she wanted to create this huge, complicated world, but… if you do that, you need to take time and lay it all out and prepare the reader for it. You can’t just suddenly go off into pages and pages of background for one scene or chapter. If there is any flow in this book at all—and, based on these sporks, there isn’t—it would be completely destroyed by this massive infodump (multiple ones!) right before the climax. That’s the time to be wrapping things up, not introducing new characters and problems!

    Ah well, at least I got a couple more quotes for my quotes file. Thanks for doing this, Rorschach. You’re a much hardier soul than I.

  2. Requiem on 19 March 2012, 18:59 said:

    Okay so first the characters Chris Cornelli, that sounds very suspicious like the singer from Soundgarden and Audioslave. Only instead of making kick ass grunge music he makes it rain.

    Graul and Brutus…generic. Et tu brutus?

    Maya and Joey, well what can be said about these 2. They finally got their due I guess. Who would’ve thought it’d be so easy to kill 2 mary sues. the power of poison is unmatched in defeating protagonists. I guess one throwaway character can easily defeat them even with all their superpowers, it’s like a generic batman villian no one knows about killing superman with a cup full of kryptonite.

    The character descriptions are icing on the cake.

    Thank you Rorschach, I can’t imagine the amount of pain you’ve gone through mentally and physically reading these books. But you definitely deserve an award or something for actually doing it.

  3. Fireshark on 19 March 2012, 19:09 said:

    It ended with them getting poisoned? How appropriate. I hope the last book is never published, just so the series ends with the Suesome Twosome dying.

    This ending was clearly shoehorned in, although I’m guessing the endings to all the half-sized Maradonia books are pretty random. I think they only made the splits to get Law of Blood out sooner, as the last installment is taking a very long time.

    Also, that description of Joey was recycled for the movie site’s characters page.

  4. Pryotra on 19 March 2012, 19:09 said:

    Aw… It’s done… now I have to wait for my lulz.

    I have to say, I find the Brotherhood of Positive Thinkers to about the best thing in this book if only because I can get the chance to wonder if them and the Club of Evil ever play against one another in volleyball or something.

    “I am here to kill both of you… prepare for death!” the Warrior Queen of Maradonia answered stoically (page 394).

    How exactly do you shout something stoically? Stoically implies that you’re not showing emotion. There is usually no inflection and it usually has a connotation that things around you are either insane or about to blow up in your face.

    Maya says it’s getting dark and cold, and Joey says that he loves her.

    Am I the only one who’s mind went into bad places? Maybe it’s because they’re both Sues or something…

    Jafar and Jahy, the two boys that Krimmy was hanging out with? Yeah, they’re actually the long-lost sons of General Goran.

    That’s just bad writing. Or she thinks that her audience is too stupid to read the sheet.

    The book closes with 38 reader testimonials that last for nine pages.

    Seriously, Glo, haven’t you ever READ anything professionally published? Have of a book is presentation, and all you’re doing is showing the reader that this is unprofessional and likely bad.

    But, seriously, Rorschach, this is great work. I couldn’t do it. Your patience and perseverance in the face of this crapfest is amazing.

  5. Zurvan on 19 March 2012, 19:27 said:

    Someone told me about the Teschs’ habit of quoting positive reviews they obviously wrote themselves before. Apparently, there’s even a review written by a certain “Donald T., Entrepreneur”…

  6. Taku on 20 March 2012, 08:12 said:

    They actually published Armano N. Psychologist’s review in the book itself? Oh, lawd. Clearly, there is no depth to which they will not sink. My favourite part of Armano’s review(s?) was the line “This Maradonia New-Life-Style is able to help the reader better to understand life itself”.

    Okay, who wants to have a go at summarising the book’s plot? Was there ever actually any plot, insofar as any problems being resolved or at least sustained for more than a chapter?

    I don’t know, and I don’t think I’m brave enough to find out. Once again I doff my hat at you, Rorschach, for braving the unexplored depths of literary depravity. Your research has proved again that , like the ocean, there is seemingly no end to the vastness and strangeness of Tesch’s ignorance.

  7. swenson on 20 March 2012, 08:52 said:

    I was wondering about the plot myself. My biggest problem is that I keep mixing up the plot of the Law of Blood and the Gold of Ophir.

    Um… wasn’t there some evil plot by Apollyon or whoever to trick Joey into using the Key to the Underworld, because supernatural weapons were forbidden? And then Krimmy got kidnapped for… some reason, and the forces of eeeevil wanted the help of some pirates, and that’s honestly all I remember of the overarching plot. I can remember bits and pieces of other things, but it’s just so random, with all these scenes that have nothing to do with the actual fundamental plot, that I can’t figure out what’s going on at all.

    Note to Tesch: this is not a good thing. I know we’re only reading this in piecemeal fashion through summary and sporks, but we should at least be able to tell what it’s about. As an example, Hawkmistress! was a terrible book, but I can at least tell you what it’s about, even though I haven’t read the sporks for quite a while.

  8. Prince o Tea on 20 March 2012, 14:35 said:

    Joey, he come to town
    Come to save
    The Princess Krimmy
    Geeky took her away
    And now Melanie won’t play
    But she will, when Joey saves the day!
    Now joey, be a little shit
    so you can shoot
    your key with powerrrr
    And when you’re feeling all down
    Libertine will come around
    So Joey, you won’t have to do a thing for yourself
    Now joey, he saved the day,
    and Geeky is in his graveeeh
    Now Krimmy is free and a Stu shall bee
    Why Joey, I think your name will go down in infamy!

    Thanks so much Rorschach for filling my days with hilarity. Hopefully Gloria will churn out book number 4 very soon.

  9. swenson on 20 March 2012, 14:37 said:

    Record yourself singing that song and post it on Youtube and you will win every Internet forever.

  10. WulfRitter on 20 March 2012, 14:39 said:

    My biggest problem is that I keep mixing up the plot of the Law of Blood and the Gold of Ophir.

    Wait . . . there was a plot? And here I thought this was just a parade of gratuitous silliness interspersed with inconsistent naming trends.

  11. Kurt on 20 March 2012, 16:07 said:

    It is a fitting punishment for the two uber-Sues to be lost in litterary limbo forever.

    I hope this will turn out to be the last installment in the Maradonia “Saga”. As much as I’ll miss Rorschach’s sporks, Gloria shouldn’t be doomed to keep churning out these crapracular books in her adult life.

  12. LoneWolf on 20 March 2012, 16:54 said:

    Evil albinos yay. Dan Brown has a competition!
    Yeah, the book ending with Maya and Joey being poisoned is a nice touch.
    Poor Krimhilda, everyone ignores her.
    As for Apollyon being Lucifer, and fallig from grace, if you scroll down the page of maradonia-the-movie.com and highlight the black-on-black text, you get the following:

    Maradonia and the Seven Bridges by Gloria Tesch . TAMPA, FL. 15 -Year Old Novelist, Gloria Tesch, takes Readers on an exciting Fantasy Journey to the Land of Maradonia. Gloria started writing with the age of 10 years and published her first six novels of the Maradonia Saga with the ripe age of 15 years. Gloria is now 16 years old and in the process of finishing her novel number seven. Each novel has a word count of over 100,000 words. A movie about her debut novel – Maradonia and the Seven Bridges – is in pre-production and her first four novels (soft cover editions) are basically sold out. After receiving additional editorial work they will be re-printed as hard covers by Liberty’s Book Press. Gloria’s Maradonia Saga is a classic, but contemporary story. When Maya and her brother Joey (two of the main characters) stumble upon a secret portal, they are transported to a mysterious place called – The Land of Maradonia. Their appearance in Maradonia, which is a World between the Worlds, fulfills an old prophecy, foretold by the King of Light, and propels Maya and Joey into a strange and very dangerous world of dark powers and magic.Here, in the Land of Maradonia, they try to overcome Seven Bridges of tests and temptations and as they conquer the last test successfully they receive supernatural gifts. Little did they know that the real fight for their life had just begun, but can they escape from the Cataract of Evil? The dark King Apollyon, once the most intelligent and beautiful Light Carrier in the Universe, was terrified by the prophesy of the Light King, ‘When the ‘Two Silver Birds’ attack the ‘Twin Brothers’, I will send two children to show you your limitations!’ Apollyon, now the ruler of the Underworld, commanded his two evil sons, Prince Abbadon and Plouton as well as his gruesome Fairies and the slick Hoodmen, the hunters of the empire, to chase Maya and Joey and to kill them. The teenagers fight back and secure ‘Defender’, the Key to the Underworld with the result that the rulers of the empire are unable to return to the Underworld and the final battle between the armies of Light and Darkness in the Valley of Harmon Gorgonia is inevitable. What makes the Maradonia Saga really interesting is that the two protagonists are siblings.

    And so on.

  13. Fireshark on 20 March 2012, 17:21 said:

    Hey, a word count! If that 100K/book figure is true, Gloria can definitely out-quantity me. I wonder how much editing is actually going on. Are they just going to fix stuff like “Chapter Fourty,” or will Gloria actually rewrite some stuff?

  14. LoneWolf on 20 March 2012, 17:54 said:

    The former, I think.

  15. Chey on 20 March 2012, 19:41 said:

    A man of peace and faith you say? Ah, but is he a man of wealth and taste? ;D

    (I assume the fact that Apollyon is basically Lucifer means it’s okay to reference Sympathy for the Devil.)

  16. TheArmada on 20 March 2012, 21:52 said:

    Dead? Oh hell yeah!

  17. LoneWolf on 20 March 2012, 22:08 said:

    Indeed, if Gloria never publishes “Battle for the Key”, the end of “Law of Blood” is actually quite fitting.

  18. Prince o Tea on 21 March 2012, 08:50 said:

    Alanna Terrance.

    At last.

    The loathsome Sues who stood against you are dead. Good night, sweet princess. May flights of Rawkens named Tough Robbie guide you to your rest.

  19. LoneWolf on 21 March 2012, 10:50 said:

    Maya and Joey’s death was certainly abrupt. I admit, I was a bit shocked that Gloria ended her book that way.

    Of course, they’ll come back to life in “Battle for the Key”.

  20. VikingBoyBilly on 21 March 2012, 13:52 said:

    This ending is more satisfying than we all could have ever hoped for. Yeah, we were all WISHING it would end this way, but who would have seriously expected Gloria to fulfill our desires?

    So she is listening to her readers.

  21. Derp on 21 March 2012, 14:00 said:

    Hey Rorschach, longtime lurker here. Just wanted to pop up and say how much I loved your sporkings.
    But something unsettles me…
    What if Gloria, having taken secret writing classes and actually listened to her fans, turns the book 180 degrees and ACTUALLY kills off the Suesome Twosome in the Battle for the Key? What if the entire “saga”, sans the last few pages, is a set-up for a meta-as-shit and self-deprecating masterpiece? Man, the conspiracy theories are getting to my head.
    Once again, great sporkings, but take it easy.

  22. Pryotra on 21 March 2012, 17:14 said:

    Yeah, I have to admit, this was a kind of dream on my part. Maybe the next book will be who Alana gets resurrected and ends up saving Maradonia.

    I can dream can’t I?

  23. Requiem on 21 March 2012, 19:29 said:

    Maybe Benji will actually do something for once.

  24. Erin on 22 March 2012, 17:24 said:

    I can’t help but wonder if Battle for the Key (if she ever finishes it) will start with Maya and Joey being ok and some half-assed explanation as to why they’re ok. I could see that happening. She wanted a DRAMATIC AND DARK ending to “Law of Blood”, but woudn’t want to deal with the aftermath of it.

    But enough of such thoughts! I’m going to enjoy this for now. WHAT ABOUT POISON?

  25. LoneWolf on 22 March 2012, 18:54 said:

    Oh, we’ll probably have a repeat of ‘Human Sacrifice Offering’ theme, with heavenly creatures reappearing, telling Maya and Joey how wonderful they are, and pulling them back to Maradonia. Still, it’s a progress for Gloria to even contemplate ending her book in such a way!

  26. Pryotra on 22 March 2012, 21:30 said:

    Or they’ll wake up in the underworld and have to get out or something. Or just wake up in the medical ward or whatever they have in Maradonia. I think it would be at least original of Apollyon resurrected them to be his zombie slaves…

    And…you know…that whole pool in the first book that was supposed to make them invincible or whatever…really didn’t work all that well, did it?

  27. swenson on 22 March 2012, 21:57 said:

    You know, I’d forgotten about that pool. I suspect Glo did too.

  28. LoneWolf on 23 March 2012, 00:33 said:

    Glo’s relatively logical here. This pool protected their skin from weapons, but not their insides from poison. That’s what the “what about poison” line is about.

  29. Catflap on 23 March 2012, 01:44 said:

    In the next book, Joey will be brought back to life, and Maya will be “Left Behind”, to travel as a zombie back through time to fight the Antichrist and his band of evil fairies. If Tesch can mess around with Greek & Germanic mythology, her own story can be crossed with bits of another horrible series that has slain even more forests.

  30. Prince O' Tea on 23 March 2012, 08:13 said:

    I hope Gloria doesn’t write another book, because we know this genuine attempt at drama will be neatly resolved by the end of the first paragraph. One of the doves will have found an antidote, or a unicorn will fart a spell down their throats that makes the Suesome Twoesome unable to be poisoned 4ever. We all know Gloria.

  31. swenson on 23 March 2012, 08:32 said:

    @LoneWolf – ohhhh, you know, that actually does make sense! Not sure if Glo planned it that way, but it actually is reasonably logical. Their skin is impervious to harm, but the rest of them isn’t, necessarily. Unless they drank some water.

    I wonder what the practical effects of this are, though. Are they impervious only to actual weapons, or are they just immune to papercuts and hangnails and cutting themselves on broken glass forever? If their skin is impervious, could they still get shots (which have to pierce the skin)? And for that matter, how did Maya end up in the hospital at the beginning of the second book if she’s so well protected?

  32. Fireshark on 23 March 2012, 09:55 said:

    I think the protection only works in Maradonia. It’s not 100% consistent, though.

  33. VikingBoyBilly on 23 March 2012, 19:12 said:

    I thought the protection was only for magical attacks. Or was it for normal stuff and magic still hurts them?

  34. Pryotra on 23 March 2012, 21:04 said:

    While she might be making a stab at continuity, it’s too confusing to really be taken seriously. Hence our trying to make sense of it. Truthfully, I don’t think she even remembered it much. She doesn’t really have all that much continuity between her novels other than a kind of vague ‘something happened before this’.

    I think you’d be just as confused reading the whole series as you would only reading the last one.

  35. LoneWolf on 23 March 2012, 23:39 said:

    The protection doesn’t only work for magical attacks. Abbadon killed AstroJesus by stabbing him in his Achilles shoulder.

    Of course, this makes Maya’s Warrior Queen exploits less impressive.

  36. Erin on 24 March 2012, 00:05 said:

    To be fair, it has already been established that bathing in the blood pool doesn’t make you immune to poison. Maya’s first dog bathed in the pool too, and it died from poison.
    I doubt Gloria even remembers that, but it’s somehow continuity anyway!

  37. LoneWolf on 24 March 2012, 00:46 said:

    There’s method to Gloria’s insane writing.

  38. Fireshark on 25 March 2012, 01:02 said:

    Hey Rorschach, since Maradonia’s over for now, will you post anything new here, or will it just be at Conjugal Felicity?

  39. Rorschach on 25 March 2012, 01:10 said:

    Depends on if people want me to, I guess. I also have a few writing articles I want to finish.

  40. VikingBoyBilly on 26 March 2012, 11:54 said:

    Ok, so the King of Light banned the use of magical assaults, making the Encouragers immune to magic by default. The pool of blood has an effect of making their skin inpenetrable so brute force can’t defeat them. The only way to attack is from within the body. Ok. Poison is their one weakness. And ingestible parasitic nanobots.

  41. swenson on 26 March 2012, 12:12 said:

    Boy, I just can’t wait for the next book, Maradonia and the Ingestible Parasitic Nanobots.

  42. Pryotra on 26 March 2012, 20:44 said:

    …That might actually be interesting, and since nothing else in this world makes much sense, it’ll fit right in.

  43. LoneWolf on 27 March 2012, 02:57 said:

    Well, Apollyon already has flying saucers, why wouldn’t he have parasitic nanobots? Gloria doesn’t bother with making the technology of Maradonia consistent.

  44. Catflap on 28 March 2012, 20:51 said:

    The need for shots could be got round by giving them time in a stasis tube. STs meet all possible needs.

  45. Prince O' Tea on 6 April 2012, 13:49 said:

    Is this the end…. of the Club of Evil?

  46. Kurt on 6 April 2012, 15:09 said:

    Unless Gloria’s parents have more money to throw out of the window to publish Book 4, then yes.

  47. Prince O' Tea on 6 April 2012, 22:18 said:

    We should hold hands over a oujia board, and reflect on the things that made us the Club of Evil.

    Being a hater.
    Singing the Mother Earth Song.
    Believing in teamwork.
    Feeding the unicorns with our bare hands.
    Materialism.
    Being corrupt and mediocre.
    Playing hardball.
    That food effects our mood.
    The Salsa Dance.
    And finally discovering the truth behind the age old question: But what about poison? That it kills Sues dead.

    Goodnight.

  48. LoneWolf on 8 April 2012, 16:02 said:

    Well, Gloria herself had been strangely silent lately. She had promised us Audio Books a few month ago, but none had been released. She promised us a new newsletter on her Facebook, but she wrote no newsletter. Her last bout of intense activity comes from February, the month of ‘Mediocre and Corrupt Generation’ and ‘From an author’s perspective series’. And of course, there’s no news about her movie.

    Maybe she actually begins to realize that her writing is substandard?

  49. Prince O' Tea on 8 April 2012, 22:18 said:

    I just logged into my facebook, and Glo just posted something about DA MOVIE. Nothing new, but she said “Like for Upcoming Auditions”

    And here was me thinking the movie deader then a pigeon named Martha. I don’t see this going anywhere though. If we’re lucky we might get a teaser of a poorly animated thunderbolt striking a cardboard city, before the Tesches run out of money again.

    Though you got to hand it to Glo, at least she hasn’t tried casting herself as Maya.

  50. Betty Cross on 13 April 2012, 09:22 said:

    I think it’s clear the Maradonia project is starting to come unglued. The books aren’t selling, where they’ve been reviewed they’ve been trashed, the “movie” has been in limbo for a year, the promised audiobook release hasn’t happened, and even the newsletter is no longer going out.

    Gloria’s facebook page assures us she’s still busy hammering out … something, presumably Battle for the Key. Honestly, I feel sad for her. Her dad is obviously the impetus for all this BS.

    I wish he could have been like my dad and my High School Senior English teacher who were impressed that I’d tried to write something but didn’t think my early efforts were publishable.

  51. Fireshark on 13 April 2012, 09:59 said:

    I have to wonder with the movie: Who’s stringing who along? I mean, clearly very little is getting done. Is the dad just doing this to placate Gloria, knowing it’ll never really happen? Are the “professionals” involved just trolling the Tesches for cash? Does Gloria herself know it’s not happening, but doesn’t want to tell that to people like us?

  52. Kurt on 14 April 2012, 09:42 said:

    The audio book has in fact been released, though apparently it’s not sold on the Internet. If you look at this video around 0:10, and avert your eyes from Gloria’s dress, there is a hand-written sign advertising, “AUDIO BOOKS AVAILABLE”. The audio book CDs, with the woman/demented medusa cover, are visible around 0:42.

    Also, Gloria has a new Facebook page , with an absolutely brilliant cover image. She claims to be writing Maradonia and the Lost Secret of Kra, which is progressing slowly because she is busy with high school. I know what I would advice her to focus on. She also calls the novels “My babies”, so…

    I have to wonder with the movie: Who’s stringing who along? I mean, clearly very little is getting done. Is the dad just doing this to placate Gloria, knowing it’ll never really happen? Are the “professionals” involved just trolling the Tesches for cash? Does Gloria herself know it’s not happening, but doesn’t want to tell that to people like us?

    We know that Mr. Tesch cheated the “professionals” behind the movie trailers from their payment, and we’ve also discovered that he probably was involved in charity fraud back when he lived in Germany. I believe that it’s the Tesches who do the trolling, and that they’ve fooled their daugther into thinking that she’s a great author.

  53. Fireshark on 14 April 2012, 10:09 said:

    Thanks, I’d forgotten a lot of that. I guess Mr. Tesch is the bad guy in this equation, although I still wouldn’t rule out his family getting swindled a bit as well.

    I just wonder where the mom is in all this. Maybe she’s just happy to have her art published, and doesn’t really care what else is going on. She always seemed less involved than the others in all this; I wonder if some day she will take a stand and call someone out on their BS.

    PS. Oh God, that Facebook cover photo. I’m scared.

  54. LoneWolf on 14 April 2012, 10:45 said:

    Who are these friends of Gloria who seem to be her genuine fans complimenting her on Facebook? Haven’t seen them before.

  55. Betty Cross on 14 April 2012, 10:59 said:

    Thus speaks the young author:

    I also hope several of you will look at my work from a different perspective as I have grown in my writing.

    There’s plenty of room for improvement in plotting, characterization, pacing and exposition. If I were her, I would give it up and start over after I finish college.

    PS. Oh God, that Facebook cover photo. I’m scared.

    That is bizarre, seeing her emerge from the water like that.

  56. LoneWolf on 14 April 2012, 12:23 said:

    Daddy Tesch thinks about swindling the people involved in the production, while the people involved hope to receive money from naive Daddy Tesch. Meanwhile, Gloria knows deep in her soul that her writing isn’t that good, but doesn’t want to admit it to anyone, including herself…

  57. Kurt on 14 April 2012, 13:13 said:

    Who are these friends of Gloria who seem to be her genuine fans complimenting her on Facebook?

    Sarcastic trolls.

    I just wonder where the mom is in all this.

    Yeah, she’s the unknown part of the equation. My gut impression is that she is just as bad a stage parent as Mr. Tesch. She was present in the movie launch party pictures, and she appears in the Maradonia sales booth in the video I linked above. She has an old homepage , where she introduces herself as “the illustrater of the Maradonia-saga” and boasts that she “can paint a master peice of anything you can imagine!”

    Meanwhile, Gloria knows deep in her soul that her writing isn’t that good, but doesn’t want to admit it to anyone, including herself…

    She’s been writing these books since she was eleven years old, and she’s said that she wants to live from writing the “Saga”. The truth about her writing skills might hurt so much that it’s safer to keep up the illusion.

  58. LoneWolf on 14 April 2012, 13:19 said:

    Sarcastic trolls.
    Don’t see much sarcasm there. Looks like friends of the family or something.

    And thanks for bringing our attention to the page of ‘Maradonia-Illusrater’!

  59. Fireshark on 14 April 2012, 13:42 said:

    To be fair to Mrs. Tesch, the gallery she has up is pretty good. Which is odd because the art in the books is generally pretty bad.

  60. Kurt on 14 April 2012, 13:55 said:

    Sarcastic trolls.
    bq. Don’t see much sarcasm there. Looks like friends of the family or something.

    I figure that anyone who praises the Maradonia books publicly must be sarcastic. Call me cynic.

    To be fair to Mrs. Tesch, the gallery she has up is pretty good. Which is odd because the art in the books is generally pretty bad.

    And to be even more fair, the examples of her book illustrations you see online are generally chosen from the worst of her pictures. I own both of the first books, and the pictures in Book 2 are a lot better than those in Book 1, which simply look rushed. I suspect that for one reason or other, she was in a hurry when she drew the illustrations of Book 1.

    That said, Momma Tesch still sucks in the subjects of proportions, color theory, or drawing humans.

  61. LoneWolf on 14 April 2012, 15:18 said:

    The Tesch family is truly unique. They are a marvel.

  62. Pryotra on 14 April 2012, 20:39 said:

    Maradonia is truly the best kept secret of all fantasy…

    And…best kept secret…

  63. Betty Cross on 15 April 2012, 21:12 said:

    And thanks for bringing our attention to the page of ‘Maradonia-Illusrater’!

    You know what? I actually like Marina T. Tesch’s mural. It’s clearly inspired by Finding Nemo but that’s okay. It’s colorful and fun to look at.

    That said, Momma Tesch still sucks in the subjects of proportions, color theory, or drawing humans.

    Yeah, she’s still got a lot to learn, especially judging for the illustrations in “Seven Bridges.”

    Gloria has her mom’s looks, obviously.

    Papa Tesch is in his sixties, and Marina looks about 10-15 years younger than he. I suspect she’s his second wife.

  64. Prince O' Tea on 27 April 2012, 21:45 said:

    Agreed Pyrotea… Maradonia is ridiculously meme-tastic, almost on the level of Zero Wing. “We Love the Salsa Dance”, “But what about poison” and just about anything Joey says when he’s trying to sound DEEP are gloriously bad.

  65. LoneWolf on 29 April 2012, 14:36 said:

    Exactly. The writing of Gloria Tesch is so exciting and memorable!

  66. Fireshark on 29 April 2012, 17:56 said:

    I’m conflicted as to whether I wish more people knew about Maradonia. It would be nice to have more people to discuss or joke about it with, but I would be a bit concerned if it got really Internet-famous. I mean, people like Chris-chan can get trolled pretty hard, often to a degree they don’t deserve. Then again, relatively obscure crap like “The Demon Rush” really could use more love, instead of just a couple Let’s Plays.

  67. Prince O' Tea on 29 April 2012, 20:09 said:

    Agreed. I think Chris Chan is one of the most deeply unlikable human beings ever, but I do think people take the trolling too far. If he puts it out on his twitter or youtube it’s fair game, but people hacking his emails or invading the privacy of people who simply know him is way too far.

    I mean I would love Maradonia to be known far and wide, but there is something quite nice about only us really knowing about it. We are the Club of Evil afterall.

  68. Catflap on 5 June 2012, 22:51 said:

    “I admit it’s not a terribly common occurrence, but I have experienced wind and fog at the same time.”

    1. Tesch needs to live in Scotland. That combination’s called a haar (so spelled).
  69. “One day he was given the Divine Golden Breast Plate”

    1. Probably because Jewish High Priests had them, as per the the Bible.

    “stopping by the city of Magadan”

    1. Location: the New Testament (which is a bit short of orcs, however).

    “And yes, this scene is ripped off from yet another Bible story.”

    1. To be exact, it’s Israel versus Amalek, in Exodus 17, the arms being those of Moses (rain provided by GT)

    ““The Maradonia Saga will certainly have a longer life line in the future than the Twilight or the Harry Potter series.””

    1. Than Twilight, possibly. That was a laugh.

  70. Fireshark on 13 June 2012, 00:29 said:

    Maradonia is baaack! In e-book form!

    Fun new facts from the “look inside” feature:

    This is apparently a Maradonia E-Book Treasure.

    Gloria Tesch is like Stephen King, Anne Rice, Stephenie Meyer, and J.K. Rowling.

    There will be at least ten more Maradonia books.

    After “The Unleashed Beast” and “The Curse of Abbadon,” the next book will be “Maradonia and the Vampire Kings.” Considering that Stephenie Meyer reference, I wonder…

    Gloria Tesch has a trademarked symbol, which the books calls the ‘Sword Logo.’ And yes, it’s written like that.

    Gloria Tesch may be reached at GloriaTesch@maradonia.com.

    It now opens with this prophecy:

    Thoughts will arise in their mind and they will make an Evil Plan: They will say,‘We will go up against the Land of Maradonia. A land of villages without walls and Peaceful People, who dwell safely and have acquired Plenty of Livestock and Goods in Abundance – and we will take Great Plunder and Carry away the Silver and the Gold of the Kingdom of Maradonia and their Living Souls, the Livestock and the Goods from a People, who dwell in the Midst of the Land.

    There is now a fair amount of actual new writing. This is Maradonia 2.0, folks! Also, there’s a 9/11 reference. Apparently, 9/11 was an sign of Maya and Joey coming. I’m dead serious.

  71. Fireshark on 13 June 2012, 00:36 said:

    P.S.

    A dark skinned boy yelled, “Bingo! Knock out…that white girl is a crazy fighter!”

    That is all.

  72. Danielle on 13 June 2012, 00:41 said:

    You know, I hate to say this, but I think I’m an actual Maradonia fan. Not in the same way I’m a fan of Narnia, where I’ve read the books a thousand times and still get choked up when Aslan dies; or the way I love Lord of the Rings, where I’m still astounded at how good the books are. I’m more of a Maradonia fan in the way I’m a fan of that crazy hobo who stands on the street corner and sells soap between rounds of shouting racial slurs at his own genitals. The books are crazy. Not crazy good, but crazy bad in the best way. After a while you just can’t help but smile at “Plenty of Livestock and Goods in Abundance.” You wonder how anyone could get that bad, and yet you can’t help but applaud her sheer guts in pitching her ideas to the public.

    Even though, if I met Tesch in person, I would have a hard time not laughing in her face.

  73. swenson on 13 June 2012, 01:10 said:

    There’s an “And so it was”! It really is Maradonia!

  74. Asahel on 13 June 2012, 01:30 said:

    Thoughts will arise in their mind and they will make an Evil Plan: They will say,‘We will go up against the Land of Maradonia. A land of villages without walls and Peaceful People, who dwell safely and have acquired Plenty of Livestock and Goods in Abundance – and we will take Great Plunder and Carry away the Silver and the Gold of the Kingdom of Maradonia and their Living Souls, the Livestock and the Goods from a People, who dwell in the Midst of the Land.

    Ezekiel 38:10-12.

    No one stand too close to Tesch just in case God decides to enforce his copyright…

  75. Tim on 13 June 2012, 02:47 said:

    New Internationalist Version, too.

    This is what the Sovereign Lord says: On that day thoughts will come into your mind and you will devise an evil scheme. You will say, “I will invade a land of unwalled villages; I will attack a peaceful and unsuspecting people —all of them living without walls and without gates and bars. I will plunder and loot and turn my hand against the resettled ruins and the people gathered from the nations, rich in livestock and goods, living at the center of the land.”

    It’s amazing how it manages to knock all the life out of the words, really. Here’s the KJV:

    Thus saith the Lord God; It shall also come to pass, that at the same time shall things come into thy mind, and thou shalt think an evil thought:

    And thou shalt say, I will go up to the land of unwalled villages; I will go to them that are at rest, that dwell safely, all of them dwelling without walls, and having neither bars nor gates,

    To take a spoil, and to take a prey; to turn thine hand upon the desolate places that are now inhabited, and upon the people that are gathered out of the nations, which have gotten cattle and goods, that dwell in the midst of the land.

    So yeah, it’s a quote from one of the most boring versions of the text. Though at least it isn’t Good News, I suppose.

  76. LoneWolf on 13 June 2012, 04:43 said:

    I’ve long suspected that the “Twin Brothers” reference (written black-on-black text on her movie site) is about 9/11, but I hoped that even Teches can’t be that tasteless. Nice to see my hopes dashed.

    Oh, and the new beginning, with this “Professor Robert Epshtein” preaching to the children, is slightly Chick-ian. Not very, but slightly.

    And the fact that there’s a lot of plot actually rewritten is intriguing. I am pleased to see that Alana Terence still exists in the new version, though the reference to ‘The Gothic Movement’ is edited out.

  77. Betty Cross on 13 June 2012, 09:04 said:

    The quote from Ezekiel 38 is about the Gog-Magog war, which features in the latest versions of the Fundamentalist Protestant apocalypse. Apparently the Club of Evil now represents King Gog and the Kingdom of Magog, which are prophecied to attack Israel some day. The peaceful Maradonians are the Israelites.

    So the Fundamentalist End Times anvil is being pounded even harder in the new version.

  78. LoneWolf on 13 June 2012, 09:11 said:

    Apollyon is Satan. That is almost plainly stated in the new text, when it is mentioned that he corrupted many Earthly kings and rulers.

  79. Betty Cross on 13 June 2012, 09:15 said:

    This is Maradonia 2.0, folks! Also, there’s a 9/11 reference. Apparently, 9/11 was an sign of Maya and Joey coming. I’m dead serious.

    And Maya and Joey are self-inserts for Gloria and her brother Jonathan. So therefore, 9/11 was a sign of the coming of the Maradonia books. Strikes desk with forehead. Somebody please tell me I’m overthinking this.

  80. Pryotra on 13 June 2012, 09:32 said:

    No one stand too close to Tesch just in case God decides to enforce his copyright…

    As long as I can watch.

    And Maya and Joey are self-inserts for Gloria and her brother Jonathan. So therefore, 9/11 was a sign of the coming of the Maradonia books. Strikes desk with forehead. Somebody please tell me I’m overthinking this.

    …WEEP FOR THE FATE OF HUMANITY! WEEEEEEEEP!

  81. Danielle on 13 June 2012, 09:45 said:

    And Maya and Joey are self-inserts for Gloria and her brother Jonathan. So therefore, 9/11 was a sign of the coming of the Maradonia books. Strikes desk with forehead. Somebody please tell me I’m overthinking this.

    Don’t overthink it. If you overthink it, your brain will explode.

    weeps for humanity

  82. swenson on 13 June 2012, 10:18 said:

    Oh man you guys. I just realized something, perhaps the key to the whole series. If the Evil Club of Evil’s attacks on Maradonia really are all of the other nations attacking Israel in the end times (or whatever’s supposed to happen, I may be a Christian but eschatology isn’t my strong point), then that would make Maya and Joey, the super-special-awesome pair of characters that preach to everyone else…

    The two witnesses of Revelation 11.

    Which means they’re going to die horribly!

    If fire starts proceeding out of their mouths and they start calling down plagues, making it stop rain, and turning water to blood at will, we’ll know for sure.

  83. Pryotra on 13 June 2012, 10:25 said:

    Which means they’re going to die horribly!

    …YAY!

    I’m going to miss the Club of Evil. They had a cute name.

  84. LoneWolf on 13 June 2012, 11:01 said:

    I don’t think that Gloria’s parallels go deeper then Apollyon = Satan, King of Light = God. So far, she hadn’t demonstrated any interest with the Middle East Geopolitics genre of eschatology.

  85. Betty Cross on 13 June 2012, 15:37 said:

    After “The Unleashed Beast” and “The Curse of Abbadon,” the next book will be “Maradonia and the Vampire Kings.” Considering that Stephenie Meyer reference, I wonder…

    She had Dragon Riders because of Chris Paolini. Now she’s got Vampire Kings as a tribute to Stephanie Meyer. What’s next? My guesses are:

    Maradonia and the Zombie Apocalypse.
    Maradonia and the Attack of the Werewolves.
    Maradonia and the Hunger Games.
    Maradonia and the 50 Shades of Grey.

    Wackiness will ensue, I’m sure.

  86. Pryotra on 13 June 2012, 15:43 said:

    Maradonia and the Hunger Games.

    That would be painful. Though…knowing the rules, one of them would have to die. Probably Joey…even though he might be sociopathic enough to kill Maya.

    Then again, at this point, the same could be said about Maya.

  87. Fell Blade on 13 June 2012, 15:50 said:

    Oh my…was that prophecy part of the original book? I don’t remember it… but… wow…

    “It was indeed a tragic day in the history of our country when the two Silver Birds attacked the Twin Brothers.”

    That is insulting to everyone who lost a family member on 9/11.

    He pressed, in pain, his lips together as his chin nearly touched the tip of his nose.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! That, right there, is awesome! I need to draw this as a caricature!

    It took the professor some time to get ready and several last minute decisions had to be made just before he left his apartment.

    To brush my teethe, or not brush my teethe? Eggs scrambled or fried?….

    There is so much in that intro; every line is a catastrophic, hilarious failure!

  88. Fireshark on 13 June 2012, 16:18 said:

    I just paid for the e-book. I feel a little bad about giving the Tesches money, but hey, I could get hours of fun out of this. I’ll keep you posted about if anything really funny/stupid happens in this version.

  89. Fireshark on 13 June 2012, 16:41 said:

    Maya slowly got up, starred at her bloody fists and faced the crowd. “It’s over! What are you looking at?”

    “Maya, are you serious? You beat up some ugly chicks… the main bullies of our school. I never ever expected in my wildest dreams that you are able to do this. I didn’t know you had it in you to fight like that! Do you have any idea how popular you are?”

    Maya and Joey have a few less Sue skills (no painting awards and stuff), but they’re still as sociopathic as ever.

    Maya was nearly unconscious, but then… suddenly she saw a bright, blue green light and she heard a psychedelic voice.

    Don’t do drugs, kids!

  90. Fireshark on 13 June 2012, 16:44 said:

    “Over the tree, stupid!”

    Remember all of our laughs about the cursing in the original version? Also, the doorman no longer officially doubles as the lifeguard, he just randomly shows up. That was a minor detail that we mocked, and it changed too. I may be wrong, but I think Gloria actually reads these sporkings.

  91. Fireshark on 13 June 2012, 16:52 said:

    one of the Hoodmen spoke quietly to his companion in a strange language: “Shakarna kanander la luna para uki.” “Da da uki!”

    Coming soon, the Maradonia conlang dictionary! Fun for the whole family!

  92. Fireshark on 13 June 2012, 16:57 said:

    Something absolutely bizarre happened at this moment because the grasshopper transformed himself into a different creature – a dwarf.

    NO! HOPPY! WHAT’VE THEY DONE TO YOU?

    “This creature seems to be smarter than my science teacher who teaches the ‘Big Bang Theory’ and believes only what he sees with his own eyes.”

    That science teacher must be old as hell…

  93. Fireshark on 13 June 2012, 16:59 said:

    I guess Gloria was too lazy to actually write Hoppy into the whole story, so he just exposits for a minute (mostly as a dwarf) and then they leave him behind.

  94. LoneWolf on 13 June 2012, 18:28 said:

    How do you get all these details? My free except stops at the beginning of chapter 3. I sporked what I could read on anti-shirtugal.

  95. Fireshark on 13 June 2012, 18:35 said:

    I bought it. $6, not so bad for a ‘Maradonia E-Book Treasure!’

  96. Fireshark on 13 June 2012, 18:57 said:

    A Blitz Action hit Joey’s brain!

    Lolwut? Was this in the original?

  97. Pryotra on 13 June 2012, 20:48 said:

    “This creature seems to be smarter than my science teacher who teaches the ‘Big Bang Theory’ and believes only what he sees with his own eyes.”

    Does he teach about the nine planets in our solar system too?

    And your dialog still sounds stilted. What teenager actually talks like this?

    I guess Gloria was too lazy to actually write Hoppy into the whole story, so he just exposits for a minute (mostly as a dwarf) and then they leave him behind.

    Why didn’t she either keep him a dwarf then and not write him as a grasshopper. As it is it kinda reminds me of a drug trip or something.

  98. Betty Cross on 13 June 2012, 21:27 said:

    Maradonia and the Hunger Games.

    That would be painful. Though…knowing the rules, one of them would have to die. Probably Joey…even though he might be sociopathic enough to kill Maya. Then again, at this point, the same could be said about Maya.

    As Joey rolled across the ground in convulsions, Maya tossed away her handful of nightlock berries. How stupid of him to think she’d commit suicide with him! “Ha, ha, Joey,” she sneered. “This is your payback for shoving me into the pool.”

    If you’ve read the ending of The Hunger Games, you’ll get the joke.

  99. Betty Cross on 13 June 2012, 21:32 said:

    “It was indeed a tragic day in the history of our country when the two Silver Birds attacked the Twin Brothers.”

    As far as I can tell from these comments, the revision is no improvement over the original, but awful in a different way.

  100. Betty Cross on 13 June 2012, 21:57 said:

    In the sample chapters at Amazon, I found Gloria’s dedication including this:

    My Father was and is my coach, my mentor, and he is the Co-Author of all the Maradonia Books as well as the main editor of the Maradonia Saga.

    So now we know Gerry Guenther Tesch wrote some of this book.

    And as an editor, well, he’s not a very good one, apparently.

  101. Fireshark on 13 June 2012, 22:29 said:

    “Maybe it will give us enough room to build a circle with our bodies and Maya and Joey can lay down and rest on our warm bellies,” Imperator said.

    Whatever floats your boat, pal.

    Maya was once again surprised by the wisdom which her brother spit out of his mouth like other people spit out a piece of chewing gum.

    Best simile ever?

    No Hoppy means no “Food effect’s your mood!” Tragic.

    “The name of our underwater city is Awanata and that means turtle. Our ancestors believed that in the beginning of the world there was only the Old Turtle swimming in the limitless ocean. The old turtle was diving down, brought up a mouthful of dirt and created the world.”

    That’s better than I expected from Tesch, as the myth isn’t demonized for being part of another belief system.

  102. Fireshark on 13 June 2012, 23:21 said:

    we hope that the Kingdom of Light will put the super on our natural.

    If you know what I mean.

  103. Tim on 14 June 2012, 03:29 said:

    one of the Hoodmen spoke quietly to his companion in a strange language: “Shakarna kanander la luna para uki.” “Da da uki!”

    “Hadoken?”

  104. Betty Cross on 14 June 2012, 07:42 said:

    I just read Chapters 1 and 2 in the sample text and they seem slightly improved over the 2007 version.

    OTOH, the “Professor” Epstein is completely unnecessary. Everybody knows who Satan is, and besides, since when does someone with the title Professor teach at an elementary school? And to top it all off, we know we’ll never see Emily and the other grade school kids ever again.

  105. swenson on 14 June 2012, 09:09 said:

    Somewhere a Conlanger is Crying.

    Oh wait, it’s me. And Taku. And everybody else who puts effort into conlangs. They’re hard and I’m not expecting Quenya here, but I’m willing to bet this particular language is just random keyboard mashing.

  106. Betty Cross on 14 June 2012, 09:30 said:

    Yes, swenson, conlanging is a tough job. It’s easy to make a language where there’s a 1-to-1 correspondence between the conlang word and the English word.

  107. LoneWolf on 14 June 2012, 10:09 said:

    Professor Epstein isn’t teaching there, he’s merely a substitute. And his exposition about Apollyon-Satan is the usual fare of Christian Young Adult Fantasy.

  108. Fireshark on 14 June 2012, 10:23 said:

    For the record guys, it gets less and less different as the story goes on. They didn’t even throw out the “most beautiful black person in the kingdom” bit. Maya and Joey are still called “creepers.” Good to know some of the laughs are still there.

  109. Fireshark on 14 June 2012, 10:41 said:

    WHY? Some people may ask …Why? Because if these children or let me better say these teenagers could conquer and master successfully the Seven Bridges of tests and temptations in the Land of Maradonia and win the fight against the powers of darkness and even recover six of our unicorns from Gertrude’s hands… then… my beloved fathers and elders of Selinka… then there is hope and also a chance for us to win the war against the Empire of Evil!

    (takes deep breath)

    Also, sometimes the text becomes centered when Tesch thinks a line is important. While there isn’t much of ‘this’ anymore, there is plenty of this and this and this. She just can’t kick the habit of finding creative ways to emphasize things.

  110. Fireshark on 14 June 2012, 10:48 said:

    “There is no doubt that Abbadon and his companions will join Apollyon’s Society of Evil.”

    To me, this is actually funnier than the original. Members of the former Club, our successful rebranding has left us looking more sophisticated than ever.

  111. Fireshark on 14 June 2012, 11:05 said:

    “Maya and Joey is indeed Abbadon’s target number one”

  112. Fireshark on 14 June 2012, 11:48 said:

    “Now, we have time… we can play our favorite game with them… ‘Kitty and the Mouse-chens!’ So let the games begin with a little firework.”

    —Abbadon, son of the King of the Underworld, planning to burn Maya and Joey with magic
  113. Fireshark on 14 June 2012, 11:53 said:

    The powers of evil still believe in teamwork.

  114. Fireshark on 14 June 2012, 12:07 said:

    Power, Fame and the Love for Money is the Root of all Evil. This is the reason for the treason and the Demonic Trinity plays hardball.

  115. Fireshark on 14 June 2012, 13:04 said:

    I’ve been Tesched; the story cuts off abruptly with this cliffhanger from one of the evil fairies as they plan to attack Selinka:

    We will get drunk … Ahhhh… We will get drunk… by drinking the warm blood of our enemies!”

    Here are my final thoughts:

    It no longer feels like a child wrote it. Some of the silliest things have been changed or removed. This just makes it less funny, though.

    The editing is as bad as ever. Joey’s knife from version 1 is now a machete, but the text later forgets this and calls it a knife consistently. Joey’s character has no real consistency from one scene to another. The text often introduces us to characters we’ve already met, as though it was their first appearance.

    The general design of the book is bad, of course. Random parts are centered, bolded, capitalized, or italicized. The table of contents is at the end. The character guide provides spoilers, as well as going on about characters we haven’t met yet. The pictures have less to do with the actual book now that it’s been edited. For example, a chapter starts with a picture of Hoppy the grasshopper, but he spends the entire chapter as a dwarf.

    The religious elements are as heavy-handed than ever. Perhaps they were always there just as much, but actually reading the book instead of a spork makes them so much more obvious. The prologue helps the obviousness too, of course.

    Speaking of that, we never see the professor again. I wonder if Gloria will even remember her framing device by the next installment, which will come some time in the distant future. Same Maradonia time, same Maradonia channel!

  116. Betty Cross on 14 June 2012, 19:15 said:

    Now that Gloria has revealed her Dad is Co-Author, we can no longer be certain how much of this Gloria actually wrote.

  117. Betty Cross on 14 June 2012, 21:34 said:

    The following interchange occured between me and Gloria Tesch on Facebook. First, my post from June 6.

    Hey, Gloria! Have you read the Hunger Games books yet? Great pacing and characterization. The suspense never lets up. I recommend them.

    To which she replied, on June 14:

    Awesome! I’ll try to find the time to check it out!

    I’m a fan of the Hunger Games Trilogy, and quite possibly not everyone here likes them, but they’re certainly better than anything Gloria’s written. How would she feel if she read them and then compared them to her own work?

  118. Pryotra on 14 June 2012, 21:41 said:

    How would she feel if she read them and then compared them to her own work?

    She’s probably think that they were awful and bloody and mean and that what she was writing was so much better.

    Though, if her father is writing too…I have to wonder…who’s making weird capitalization and italic errors…

  119. Fireshark on 14 June 2012, 22:39 said:

    She’s probably think that they were awful and bloody and mean and that what she was writing was so much better.

    Trust me, Gloria Tesch is cool with violence. THG seems like it would be enjoyable to Gloria, especially considering its wide appeal to all sorts of people, myself included. Her only problem would be that it didn’t introduce the games like this:

    The Treaty of Treason gave us the new laws to guarantee peace and, as our yearly reminder that the Dark Days must never be repeated, it gave us The Hunger Games.

  120. Betty Cross on 15 June 2012, 06:50 said:

    Though, if her father is writing too…I have to wonder…who’s making weird capitalization and italic errors…

    The capitalization errors are what I would expect from a native speaker of German. Traces of German syntax (eg, mangled English sentence structure) and German vocabulary (“commando bridge” for “command bridge”) are probably also from Papa Tesch. This explains a lot. I wondered why Gloria, who was born and grew up in the United States, would write and speak like an immigrant.

  121. Betty Cross on 15 June 2012, 15:51 said:

    Hey, Gloria! Have you read the Hunger Games books yet? Great pacing and characterization. The suspense never lets up. I recommend them.

    My plot to incite Gloria to write Maradonia and the Hunger Games is under way.

  122. Tim on 15 June 2012, 18:30 said:

    My plot to incite Gloria to write Maradonia and the Hunger Games is under way.

    The Great Thirsty People Contest was Held every year down by the River McRiverington in Townfordshire, where People would come together to Compete for prestige and the Power To Turn Invisible.

  123. Betty Cross on 15 June 2012, 21:38 said:

    The Great Thirsty People Contest was Held every year down by the River McRiverington in Townfordshire, where People would come together to Compete for prestige and the Power To Turn Invisible.

    Meanwhile, the decadent people of BigHugeCapitolCity eagerly sat in front of their crystal balls and take bets on which of the Contestants would be the last to die.

  124. Vicious Ink on 31 July 2012, 23:07 said:

    About the E-Books… Is my computer freaking out, or do they all have the exact same first five or so pages. The one with “Dr. Epstein” or whatever. Did she really just copy and paste the first half dozen pages for “Underworld” and “Ophir”? Da Fuq?

  125. Betty Cross on 1 August 2012, 15:49 said:

    About the E-Books… Is my computer freaking out, or do they all have the exact same first five or so pages. The one with “Dr. Epstein” or whatever. Did she really just copy and paste the first half dozen pages for “Underworld” and “Ophir”? Da Fuq?

    Apparently so. I’ve already heard of “Underworld” having the exact same intro.

  126. Gura Gura on 8 April 2014, 06:59 said:

    Why do I get the feeling Aslan is coming next book and he will be promptly demoted to pet status? Gloria wouldn’t stoop that low…..would she?