Apologies for the long wait for this one…I was out of town, I’m being sued, my internet went out, and I’m moving. During the course of the moving I misplaced my Maradonia book, and that caused a delay as well. Anyway:

Chapter Twenty-Six – On the Edge of Death

Maya gets back to the beach, where Danny’s arm is starting to swell up. Apparently he’s hot like an oven, which makes Danny chuckle. Even though that isn’t a joke. I will accept that Danny knows what an “oven” is, but I don’t think that line would make a kid currently dying of poison laugh.

Maya reacted quickly, turned around and asked Joey again, “Where is the knife? I need the knife, man!” (page 221)

I need a drink, man!

Joey searches through his seawater-soaked backpack for his pocketknife and hands it over to Maya who uses it to slash open Danny’s wound. Without bothering to sterilize it first or anything. Despite the fact that there are fires all around them and it wouldn’t take more then a few seconds. Although she is about to pour Magical Healing Potion all over the wound, so I guess this isn’t too much of a problem.

Maya pours the stuff on three times and makes Danny drink the rest. Danny goes to sleep. All the natives gather around watching and waiting for Danny to die.

After they waited for a long time and saw that no harm had touched Danny’s body they changed their minds and said that Maya and Joey were magicians or healers and were sent by the gods to the land of Isobera, their beloved island (page 223).

Okay. We just established that Maya ran around asking dozens of natives if there were any healers. The NATIVES then told Maya that there was a NATIVE healer, and everyone watched Maya run off towards the NATIVE HEALER and then come back a short while later with the NATIVE HEALING POTION…and the natives’ reaction is to assume that Maya and Joey are magicians or healers?

Seriously, Tesch?

Anyway, the big cheese of the island invites them all to stay with him. His dad is sick with dysentery – how these natives or Maya and Joey know what the fuck dysentery is escapes me – and the natives tell Maya and Joey to come visit him, hoping they can cure him. Apparently the Encouragers have been protesting their newfound fame and don’t want to go, but then Maya brings up the Miracle Swingword of Magic they learned from the frogs at the swamp.

Tesch throws in a ‘And So It Was…’ and they go visit the sick guy. They touch his forehead and speak the Swingword. Which really should be Swingwords, but that’s a little nitpicky:

‘Not everything may seem to be … what you seem to see…’ and touched the forehead of this man.

And miraculously…the fever and the sickness left the man (page 224).

Yeah. It wasn’t enough that Maya and Joey are globally famous royalty, indestructible, there to fulfill a prophecy, have Deus Ex Machina hats that give them godlike powers, and Joey has a ‘key’ that’s a cross between a lightsaber, flamethrower, and grenade launcher – now they have the power to heal people. Using magic.

Maya reminds everyone that they don’t actually have healing power, it’s the word and the faith behind it, which gives me some very strong Biblical vibes, although I’m pretty sure the notion of a word having power, rather than God, is blasphemous.

Eventually they find a ship on the other side of the island in a harbor. This isn’t elaborated on, so maybe it was just a fully operational ship that happened to be abandoned on this island. They continue their journey, accompanied by several dragons. One of the dragons is white and he’s the High Priest of the dragons. Yes, the dragons have a High Priest. It gets better: His name is Emoogie.

Emoogie.

Yeah.

Chapter Twenty-Seven – Villa Consalsa

Maybe they dance the Salsa Dance here.

They land in Arkadia. Maya asks Joey if he saw the shooting star and wonders if it’s a sign of good luck.

“A good sign for us? I don’t know. Several people think that we are miracle workers, magicians or even healers but Maya, we know better. We are just two normal teenagers from Oceanside who are assigned for a special mission.” (page 227)

You know, I understand why Tesch uses the normal As You Know, Bobs. It’s a quick and easy way to provide exposition and it doesn’t require any talent, making it the go-to choice for poor writers. I get that, and although it enrages me, I know why it’s here.

I really don’t know why Tesch uses these when everyone, including the reader, knows the information that’s being rehashed. We established these facts two pages ago, Tesch. I don’t care how young your audience is, if they’re old enough to make it 225 pages into your second doorstop, they have an attention span that will last for more than two pages.

Maya flips her shit, however, and rants at Joey for an entire page, talking about how they’re anything but ordinary because of all their Sue qualities I just listed. Maya says that she has a feeling Joey is afraid of something, and says he needs to meet the needs of the world. The dirty jokes are too obvious, so I’ll skip past it.

Joey, however, flips his shit right back and launches into a speech that lasts for over two pages.

“What about me? What about my needs and my feelings?” (page 228)

Cry me a river, you sociopath.

Joey bitches about how he was seasick. And he’s afraid about the future. Maya got to enjoy the storm because Captain Henry (nudgenudge) was there with her but Joey was sick, and wet, and cold and it was very unpleasant. I have to say, I have a hard time mustering any sympathy for him.

“But Maya, can we deliver? Listen to me…Can we deliver? Can we deliver what all these people around us, here, in this world, expect from us? And this is not a rhetorical question?” (page 230)

I don’t think that last question mark should be there. Unless the intention was for Joey to ask Maya if it was not a rhetorical question. At any rate, Maya doesn’t answer, so I guess it was a rhetorical question.

Maya tells him he needs a hot bath, some food, and some sleep. As luck would have it, a carriage promptly arrives and whisks them off to the Villa Consalsa, the governor’s mansion, where they’ll be waited on hand and foot. Yeah, their lives are so terribly rough.

The next day they meet everyone. The governor’s name is Fernando Dela Concho. His police chief is named Inspector Coleman. And his district secretary is named Mr. Snowblitz. I swear I’m not making any of those names up.

General Goran is there as well, and they get to the point. Concho starts talking about all the shit that’s going down in Maradonia – assassinations, rebellion, and the missing gold ships. Joey jumps in and demands to know if Concho has any contact with Candace, the wife of General Felipe (who are, as you may recall, traitors). Nice and subtle, Joey. Concho says no. But Joey realizes that Mr. Snowblitz looks rather nervous and his hands shake when their names are mentioned. Whew, good thing! Otherwise we might not know who the mole was and there could be some suspense.

Anyway, Candace rents a house in town and is friends with a woman named Ginger, and they’re both friends with a chap named Feluchi who operates the lighthouse. And, in a quick and effortless segue, it turns out that Mr. Coleman (who apparently is a very famous investigator) has a feeling that something strange is going on. Wow. He sounds like a great investigator.

Coleman says what a great honor it is to meet them and starts asking them questions about how they got into Apollyon’s palace undetected, freed the unicorns and mermaids, and what’s all the stuff about the Key to the Underworld. Joey says that now is not the time or place to discuss any of this. Joey asks him where he heard about the Key, and Coleman says he hears lots of rumors, because he’s the chief of police!

Maya and Joey go through the story of what happened to them and dispel a few rumors. Coleman asks them if they lost their backpacks during the ordeal, and Maya says no…obviously they didn’t, because they’re wearing them. And then she Wonders, internally, Why Coleman is Interested in the Backpacks. Foreshadowing!

Coleman explains that Candace and Ginger have secret meetings with the dregs of society in the bar called Spelunka, which is where the criminals all hang out. Maya and Joey are astonished because they know all about Spelunka because Oraculus told them about it, which they tell each other, even though both of were there and remember it. They remember it very well, actually, and are able to quote what Oraculus said word-for-word, even though Oraculus talked for pages.

Concho is speechless, and then he asks Maya and Joey how they know about Spelunka. Which is odd, because they just said how they know.

“It was Oraculus who told us about the Spelunka” (page 238)

“You know about the Spelunka bar? How is that possible? How can you know about this place?” (page 239)

The lack of thought that has gone into this book astounds me.

Anyway. Joey has a response for Concho:

“We have our connections, Governor,” Joey uttered (page 240).

That’s the second time in this section Tesch has used the word ‘uttered’ and both times it was ridiculously out of place. Admittedly, there really isn’t any time, I think, when ‘uttered’ is appropriate.

Snowblitz has been getting more nervous and he excuses himself to use the restroom.

Maya also felt that nature was calling and left the conference room (page 240).

AHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA.

Goran wonders why the wife of General Felipe would go to a seedy bar that is known for being the place where the criminals and the gangs congregate. You know, that’s a really good question. I almost think that Mr. Coleman, if he really was a world famous investigator, should have asked himself that question already and started investigating.

Concho mentions that the lighthouse went out a few times recently and during those times some ships hit the reef and sank and there was no wreckage and no survivors. Joey finds this suspicious and wants to talk to the head of their Search and Rescue team. What? No Coast Guard?

Maya comes back in just as Joey says that he and his sister will dive to the bottom of the rocks and investigate. Concho scoffs and says that’s impossible because it’s way too deep and no one can hold their breath for any longer than what it takes to reach the bottom, if that. Maya and Joey smirk and say it’s no problem. The governor says it’s too dangerous and forbids them from going. Surprisingly, neither Maya or Joey point out that since they’re royalty, he really can’t forbid them from doing anything.

Chapter Twenty-Eight – Mr. Snowblitz and the Black Carriage

There are Amish buggies here?

Maya and Joey head out. Maya explains that she knows Snowblitz is actually the traitor. See, she popped on her Tarnkappe and followed him out, and he didn’t actually go to the restroom. Instead, he ran out outside across the street to where all the carriages are parked and hopped inside one with two woman and told them everything that was discussed in the conference room, and one of the woman was named Ginger and she gave Snowblitz a bag of coins.

These are the most incompetent criminals I think I have ever met.

Anyway. Joey is pleased:

“Excellent work, Maya! You did the right thing at the right time with the right results but now we need a good plan.” (page 249)

Right.

Drinks: 44

Tagged as: ,

Comment

  1. BettyCross on 30 June 2011, 03:20 said:

    Well, I just got my Maya and Joey fix, and I really think I should kick this habit. In the tokhus.

    I’ve stuck with the sporkings of Maradonia since I discovered this place in March, while looking for juicy trash-talk about Christopher Paolini. It’s just no fun any more. It’s boring, poorly conceived, features protagonists that defeat all foes without serious effort, and lacks suspense, since Tesch telegraphs everything to us.

    I feel sad for Gloria Tesch. If she ever figures out how bad this stuff is, she’ll get down on her knees and thank God it hasn’t had wider distribution. If God talks back, I hope He tells her to discontinue the Maradonia series, get her GED, go to college and read some novels. After that, she might have an interesting story to tell the world.

  2. TakuGifian on 30 June 2011, 03:35 said:

    I have to admit, when I read the spork title, I immediately though of this:

    I’m actually quite surprised that Tesch has managed to remain as coherent as she has, given her last work.

    Or rather, I’m surprised that you’ve managed to remain as coherent as you are, given what you’re subjecting yourself to.

    Lastly, that IS a genuinely good picture of a buggy. The only problems are that (a) it’s out of place in a Totally Different World, and (b) it’s really boring. One wants a picture at the start of a chapter to excite the spirits and evoke emotions and have some sort of metaphoric connection to the actual events of the story, not just be a randomly picked-out keyword with a handy concrete image.

  3. LoneWolf on 30 June 2011, 05:19 said:

    Wow!!! I needed my Maradonia fix so badly!!!

    Maya flips her shit, however, and rants at Joey for an entire page, talking about how they’re anything but ordinary because of all their Sue qualities I just listed.

    Yeah, what amazes me is that Tesch’s development of her two main characters is fairly consistent. Maya continues to be a struck-up ‘princess’ so far. I think that her iron-fisted rule will be indeed brutal.

    There needs to be a Maradonia fic about the people of Maradonia rising up and overthrowing the selfish siblings.

  4. VikingBoyBilly on 30 June 2011, 06:59 said:

    NOoooooooo! You’re getting sued? Is that why conjugalfelicity was taken down? Did Team Tesch finally throw a temper tantrum? Or was it that cad, Robert Stanek, or Gilbert Morris?

  5. swenson on 30 June 2011, 10:03 said:

    @VBB – It was the author of Latawyna the snerk Naughty Horse book. There’s more details on the forum, but basically, the crazy woman who wrote it is upset because Rorschach sporked it.

    The “needs” line has been added to my compilation of stupid Maradonia lines, by the way. As well as “nature was calling”.

    I would say more, but I feel nature is calling and must leave the conference room. Or possibly the need to salsa dance. I do hope it wasn’t poison that makes me feel this way. (etc.)

  6. -Sentinel- on 30 June 2011, 11:58 said:

    @VBB – It was the author of Latawyna the snerk Naughty Horse book. There’s more details on the forum, but basically, the crazy woman who wrote it is upset because Rorschach sporked it.

    Where can I find that spork?

  7. Inkblot on 30 June 2011, 12:38 said:

    Artist: ACOE
    Album: Snowblitz EP
    Genre: Djent/Metal/Post-Salsa
    2011 Black Carriage Records

    1. On The Edge of Death
    2. Hot Like An Oven (Dysentery)
    3. High Priest Emoogie
    4. Why The Backpacks?
    5. Nature Calling
    6. Private Investigator (Hidden Cover Track)

    They’ve been in the studio for freakin’ months. Can’t wait for the full-length album.

  8. Requiem on 30 June 2011, 13:51 said:

    you’re getting sued? That sucks but i’m sure you have a good defense attorney especially since it’s fair use copyright and all that jazz.

    Also where is that other spork?

  9. LoneWolf on 30 June 2011, 14:38 said:

    However, I must agree that the last two chapters demonstrate a lack of enthusiasm on part of the author. While I could see Gloria gleefully and enthusiastically writing out the terrific scene with Suetonia and Cassandra devastating Alana Terence’s house, here she just seems to go though the motions. And the names start to parody themselves.

  10. WulfRitter on 30 June 2011, 15:25 said:

    I must confess that I am starting to like the names Tesch chooses. Oh, not because they are good names for characters (in fantasy or in any other type of writing), but because the more of them she concocts, the more I think of a sweet but crazy old cat lady that I once knew.

    I can totally see a bouffant-haired old lady shuffling about calling to her cats. There’s Emoogie the Siamese, Mr. Snowblitz the Himalayan, Inspector Coleman the California spangled cat and, of course, Ginger the domestic shorthair.

  11. LoneWolf on 30 June 2011, 15:33 said:

    Snowblitz is indeed extremely cat-like.

    But initially the names were weird, but still almost justifiable (like I said, if you get rid of Bieber associations, “Justin” isn’t that bad), but now the GloNames had gone totally off the rocker.

    And I am starting to miss the villains of the series, Apollyon, Abaddon and their company. They had been pretty inactive lately.

  12. LoneWolf on 30 June 2011, 15:59 said:

    And to be fair, considering the fact that Apollyon’s minions are “aliens” and have flying saucers, Maradonia had been a Shizo Tech land from the beginning.

  13. Ridureyu on 30 June 2011, 18:12 said:

    Maya reacted quickly, turned around and asked Joey again, “Where is the knife? I need the knife, man!” (page 221)

    And then Maya stabbed everybody, because she is a sociopath.

  14. Prince o' Tea on 30 June 2011, 20:37 said:

    Don’t forget Dodoo and Beebe.

    Anyone else notice how Maya seems to switch between SpinelesSueMaya and EntitledBitchMaya, and we have been seeing WAY MORE of the latter in Gold of Ophir? I mean here, Maya actually chews out Joey for actually saying something humble/intelligent. How dare he not beat his own and his sister’s praises 24/7, huh? Little asshole.

    Jesus, Sylvia Scott Gibson is utterly crazy. How is this even going to court?

  15. LoneWolf on 30 June 2011, 23:01 said:

    No, stabbing someone is not a Maya thing. I can see her threatening everyone else with the knife, until they will agree that Maya is a wonderful ‘Princess of Maradonia’, who deserves to be worshipped even when she sleeps with her crown on.

  16. VikingBoyBilly on 30 June 2011, 23:03 said:

    I hate to say this, but I think Sylvia has a good case. For every other book, Rorscach just summed up what was going on in the chapters and quoted word-for-word lines sparingly. But Latawnya the Naughty Horse isn’t a novel-sized brick. It’s a short children’s book so it was easier for him to just scan every page for all to see.

    Latawnya’s going rates on amazon are quite high, and, though the numbers sold were low to begin with, when people who are curious have an easy alternative to go to to view all of it’s contents for free, via Conjugalfelicity, it loses potential sales. And, like I said, he didn’t just retype what was in the book. He actually scanned the pages.

    It might sound like I’m off my rocker, but I actually have some interest in buying The Legend of Rah and the Muggles and The Seven Sleeper Series. Even though he ripped them a new one, the concept behind them still fairly interest me (and those ones are actually the better books compared to all the other garbage he sporked). His sporks were advertising to make me want to read the real thing than just a synopsis of it. But for Latawnya The Naughty Horse, I read the actual pages. There’s nothing to be curious about because I experienced the real thing, word-for-word, for free, pirated to me by a third party source. In short, I think Sylvia actually has a leg to stand on in this battle.

    But no more cynicism. It’s time to end this post with something more positive: The Jeg-Sag! First, you JEG it to the left. Then, you SAG it to the right! Stay away from drug pushers kids!

  17. Prince o' Tea on 30 June 2011, 23:19 said:

    Well… the thing is Sylvia Scott Gibson doesn’t seem to want to captolise on her book’s success. Her books fetch extremely high prices on Amazon. I certainly would purchase Wee Wee the Big Purple Duck or Latawnya or Rico the Mysterious Worm simply for their hilarity factor if they were avalable in England.

    But she has attempted to sue people in the past simply for reselling her books on Amazon. I guess when you sue everyone and I do mean everyone, you do end up sueing someone you might have a case against.

    Has Sylvia Scott Gibson tackled (in her subtle as a ton of bricks to the skull way) the importance of forgiveness in any of her books? No? Oh.

  18. BettyCross on 1 July 2011, 07:33 said:

    And to be fair, considering the fact that Apollyon’s minions are “aliens” and have flying saucers, Maradonia had been a Shizo Tech land from the beginning.

    begins hand waving
    The flying saucers are magical, not technological, flying saucers.
    ends hand waving

  19. LoneWolf on 1 July 2011, 18:46 said:

    Anyway, I want more chapters like the one with the death of Alana Terence and less like all that random faffing about.

  20. Prince o' Tea on 1 July 2011, 20:04 said:

    I hope Alana Terrance rises from the grave to drag the Sues with her to hell, where they must writhe in sparkling, agonizing punishments for all Sueternity.

  21. LoneWolf on 2 July 2011, 01:10 said:

    Yes! This is another plot bunny for a Maradonia fanfic! I find it amusing that we are the nearest thing Tesch has to a fanbase.

  22. BettyCross on 2 July 2011, 07:46 said:

    I find it amusing that we are the nearest thing Tesch has to a fanbase.

    Yeah, but I’m not enough of a fan to shell out hard-earned money for books this crappy.

  23. LoneWolf on 2 July 2011, 08:03 said:

    Indeed. Why pay for “Maradonia” when you get even better experience while reading these sporkings?

  24. Prince o' Tea on 5 July 2011, 21:51 said:

    Hmmm…. been a few days since anyone posted.

    We need moar support, and moar Maradonia so bad its goodness, please. In your own time of course, Rorscach, as you are currently dealing with the Queen of Crazy.

  25. LoneWolf on 6 July 2011, 13:05 said:

    We need to write a Maradonia fanfic about Maya and Joey’s rule. Joey is an oppressive tyrant, who justifies his tyranny with vague talk about ‘courage and wisdom’ he has for everyone in his nation, while Maya is a very incompetent and capricious Queen. After the initial euphoria of being ruled by the Encouragers, the people of Maradonia realise their situation, and rise up in revolt against the siblings.

  26. Prince o' Tea on 6 July 2011, 23:37 said:

    I imagine Maya being equally vicious as Joey, since she has developed an overwhelming sense of entitlement, and seems to have a superiority complex. But yes, it sounds fantastic.

    Hey Gloria should be glad that the closest thing she has to fans want to write fanfiction!

  27. fffan on 8 July 2011, 09:02 said:

    “What about me? What about my needs and my feelings?”

    Snerk. Reminds me of that exchange in Death Note Abridged:

    “What about my feelings? Don’t they matter?”
    “Sure they do. Just not to me.”

  28. BettyCross on 8 July 2011, 11:52 said:

    After the initial euphoria of being ruled by the Encouragers, the people of Maradonia realise their situation, and rise up in revolt against the siblings.

    You know how it’ll end, LoneWolf. Once the revolt gets underway, Abaddon will march his forces in, and be hailed by one and all as a liberator.

  29. Fell Blade on 11 August 2011, 11:15 said:

    Again with the continued abuse of Acts. Ahhhh! Chapter 26 is not just a rip-off from Biblical ideas, but a continuation of the rip-off from Paul’s shipwreck.

    Paul and the rest of the folks on the ship wind up on a beach, Paul gets bitten by a viper while gathering firewood, he shakes the snake off into the fire but doesn’t show any signs of being hurt (Tesch thankfully did deviate from this point). The natives wait for him to die, then when he doesn’t they praise him as a god. He goes to the village leader’s home and heals his father (who had a fever and dysentery)…

    Wow……..just wow……….

  30. Evil Imperialist on 2 November 2013, 01:03 said:

    …OTOH,the description of the storm which preceded the lifting from Acts was lifted from the Book of Jonah, chapter 1.

    Tesch has a thing for caves, with a name like Spelunca (or in Maradonian, Spelunka). Justin may be borrowed from HP – there’s a student called Justn Finch-Fletchley,in (IIRC) Hufflepuff. And there is a cave in HP as well. Maya recalls Maia, one of the stars called the Pleiades: Rowling has a number of star-names (Regulus, Draco, Sirius). “Maradonia” as “the Christian Harry Potter” ? So it seems. Perhaps with an assist from “A Song of Ice And Fire”.

    “We need to write a Maradonia fanfic about Maya and Joey’s rule. Joey is an oppressive tyrant, who justifies his tyranny with vague talk about ‘courage and wisdom’ he has for everyone in his nation, while Maya is a very incompetent and capricious Queen. After the initial euphoria of being ruled by the Encouragers, the people of Maradonia realise their situation, and rise up in revolt against the siblings.”

    Oh, yes ! Including an execution scene showing <s>Joffrey</s> Joey getting his come-uppance, thanks to Cersei Lannister…Maya.

  31. Random Guy on 19 March 2014, 03:47 said:

    So, yeah. Emoogie.

    This is less stupid a name than it looks for a dragon. If I’m correct, it’s not Gloria being bad at making up names, and is instead Gloria ripping her names from mythology again – in this case, Korean.

    See, Korean Dragons are also known as ‘Imugi’ or ‘Imoogi’. (The spelling isn’t standardized, since it’s translated from a different alphabet. IIRC, it’s pronounced ‘Ee-moo-gee’, so Gloria’s spelling is valid, if silly-looking.) Typing “Imoogi dragon” into Google gets some nice pictures and links to articles.

    If you were unfortunate enough to have seen a movie called ‘D-War’/‘Dragon Wars’ from a few years back, you might remember these guys from that.

  32. swenson on 19 March 2014, 08:14 said:

    Ah! That makes sense. But Imugi is a much better-looking way to spell it.

    Guess I shouldn’t be surprised she ripped off Korean mythology too. :)

    Also, Textpattern keeps accusing me of being a bot, which is slightly alarming to me. O.o