Chapter Twenty-Two – It Is Your Life

That is a pissed-off fairy.

Libertine’s cohorts take off in the sky. Libertine exposits to Maya and Joey that the doves are heading for Mundan, where Captain Henry and Danny (Danny was that one kid from the last book whose father tried to kill them all) are waiting. Apparently Henry has purchased tickets aboard a ship to Arkadia. Now, I think this is a good time to bust out our map:

Maya and Joey are approximately where the X is, and they’re heading for Mundan, for no apparent reason. From there, they’re going to hop onto a ship and head south (because Maradonia is trendy and East points up on maps) to Arkadia, for no apparent reason. You know, I distinctly recall Maya and Joey being summoned back to Maradonia to help King Genarius, and Genarius, as I recall, lives in Selinka. Now, this might just be me, but it seems like they’re taking an awfully roundabout way to get there. Not to mention that Maya and Joey have Tarnkappes, and can travel a mile in a single jump. It shouldn’t take them more than a day, maybe two, to travel to Selinka. I admit that I have no fucking idea how big Maradonia is (because Tesch certainly doesn’t), but I do know that regardless of how big it is, it’s going to be a lot faster to travel via Tarnkappe than sitting aboard a slow-moving ship.

This is why you don’t give characters ridiculously powerful Deus Ex Machina hats.

Admittedly, I have a pretty good idea why Tesch is trying to contrive her characters aboard this ship, and it’s called The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

Maya asks Libertine why she has to leave, because every time she does, they get into trouble soon afterward. Libertine shakes her head and explains that they still don’t understand why she’s there:

“We are only assigned to prepare your way through the Land of Maradonia and to warn you before you run into trouble. You must understand… It is not our journey!” (page 178)

Got it? All Libertine can do is explain what is coming and get them ready for it, and then reappear to warn them in advance if they’re about to encounter trouble. But she can’t actually help them, because, y’know, it’s not her journey.

Anyway, Joey leaps in to diffuse the…situation. He apologizes to Libertine, thanks her for all her help, and says they’re ready to help Genarius.

Maya was astonished over her brother’s wisdom and how he handled this tricky situation (page 179).

Wait, what?

No seriously. What?

I’m sorry. A tricky situation? How the fuck was that a tricky situation? Libertine wasn’t angry. She was possibly mildly exasperated. And how was Joey apologizing displaying wisdom? This…I…words are failing me. Here, let me give an illustration to…illustrate…just how fucking ridiculous this is:

Maya looked up at the menu. “I’ll have a McGriddle, please.”

“We’re not serving those anymore. It’s noon, we’re on the lunch menu,” replied the McDonald’s employee.

Joey broke in smoothly. “Sorry, she didn’t realize that. She’ll have a Big Mac.”

Maya was astonished over her brother’s wisdom and how he handled this tricky situation (page 2319).

This is not that critical.

Maya and Joey take off, but it turns out Big Bertha has been hanging around and she spots them leaving. She sends her sister Dodoo off to fetch the fairies. Then Maya and Joey put their Tarnkappes on and vanish, which surprises Bertha. Bertha then exposits about how she doesn’t understand how they are so powerful, and then, a few sentences later, answers her own question by pointing out that Joey has the Key to the Underworld.

Eventually the fairies show up and want to know where Maya and Joey went. Bertha explains they vanished.

Lorris screamed, “Don’t give us that crap!” (page 184)

I don’t know why this amuses me, but it does.

Anyway, the ravens take off for Mundan because they guess that Maya and Joey are going that way, which of course they are.

Chapter Twenty-Three – Destination Arkadia

We get some exposition about Mundan. Apparently, passing through Mundan is the only way for ocean liners [wait. Maradonia has fucking ocean liners? ] to get to Selinka. Because there are drifting sand masses [???] near the Thordis River which have made it too shallow for the large ships to travel through. The exposition goes on for three pages but it isn’t remotely interesting.

Maya and Joey take off their Tarnkappes, because hell, it’s not like they’re being hunted by the Powers of Evil who Believe in Teamwork. They stroll around looking at Mundan and enjoying the sights and sounds and who should they run into but Danny, that kid. Odd, how in an enormous bustling coastal city you would just happen to run into one of the very few people there to meet you. Maya and Joey hug him and marvel about how he’s grown up, because he used to be eleven and now he’s tall. Yeah. That’s all Tesch reveals. But apparently he hit his growth spurt.

They meet up with Captain Henry who greets them formally and explains he has twenty-four elite soldiers with them as escorts.

It was the first time during this journey that the teenagers realized deeply in their mind that they were just not some teenagers from Oceanside but that they were an integral part of the royal family of Maradonia (page 191).

First of all, they can’t have a “mind”, they are not the Borg, they don’t have a hive mind. Second, we spent PAGES establishing how Maya is all wrapped up in the fact that she’s a Princess and is having difficulty establishing what is Real and what is not. And now she’s forgotten about all that?

There’s an awkward moment, and then they head for the Sea Serpent, their ship. Maya stops at the beach and she sees a mermaid pop her head and look at Maya with cold cruel eyes. Maya thinks it was Morgana, who, as you may recall, has the hots for Joey. However, this mermaid’s glare sends shivers down Maya’s back. File this one under Obvious Foreshadowing.

Just as they arrive, one of the conductors [?] shouts “All aboard!” Amazing how a completely different country in a completely different universe uses the exact same terms as people in America, isn’t it?

They hop aboard the ship and set sail. Captain Henry and Danny start explaining everything bad that has been happening in Maradonia, while Maya watches the weather. We get half a page describing the weather, and all the bad stuff is completely skipped. I’m dead serious. The entire reason why Maya and Joey were summoned back into Maradonia was because of all the bad things that had been happening, and when we finally get the point where we’re going to learn everything that has happened, Tesch decides to skip it entirely and spend the time talking about the fucking weather.

Nothing happens for awhile. After a page of nothing, Joey happens to see weird things with long tails flying. Danny explains that they’re fire dragons from Tyronia. Joey knows just how to express what he feels:

“Maradonia is indeed a wonderland with many surprises!” (pages 195-196)

Yeah.

Chapter Twenty-Four – The Basio Cyclone

It’s getting hard to sail because there’s wind, which doesn’t really make a huge amount of sense. Maya sees a storm coming. She heads over to Captain Charlie, who’s smoking a pipe, and tells him that she had a dream during the last twilight. Charlie has a delightful sarcastic comeback:

“You had a dream? How nice… I have had no dreams for years but I have to confess that I am mostly pretty drunk when I go to bed!” (page 198)

Charlie is now my favorite character in this book.

Honestly, though, I don’t understand why characters in books put so much stock into dreams. I realize this is a pretty popular trope, but I have had many, many dreams, packed chock full of meaning, and absolutely none of them have ever predicted an upcoming disaster.

Maya explains that in the dream, seven white doves warned her about the trip and said that they needed to head into a harbor to weather out the storm. Charlie doesn’t believe her and makes fun of her and says that even King Roach (essentially, God) can’t sink this ship. Whoops. You might have made a mistake there, buddy. Saying that never ends well.

Maya warns him not to test King Roach, and Charlie suddenly gets a bad feeling. Then the storm hits and batters the shit out of the ship. They are driven around for awhile. After awhile Maya and Joey go up to Charlie tell him “I told you so,” but also that nobody is going to die. And no, it isn’t explained how they know that.

The storm continues for two more pages. Maya and Joey encourage everyone to eat, because they haven’t been eating…for some reason:

“Therefore we urge you today to take nourishment.” (page 206)

Yes. That is precisely what a couple teenagers from modern America say.

Finally everyone eats and then they throw the wheat overboard in a Wheat Offering to hopefully calm the ocean. This is retarded, of course, but I actually like it, because for once Tesch is showing a very different culture from ours.

The ship runs aground and then the ocean starts slowly battering the ship apart. They try to get people off via lifeboat but there are huge waves and people are getting swept away left and right, including Danny, who screams that he cannot swim. Maya dives in after him, grabs him, and pulls him into the surface. In the middle of a fucking hurricane.

And, despite being in a fucking hurricane, and huge waves washing over the ship, ever single person makes it safely ashore the island through the power of Tesch’s And So It Was…

Chapter Twenty-Five – Viper in the Fire

Joey stumbles around on the shore. Finally he finds Maya and Danny, and a few minutes later Captain Henry shows up.

Maya hugged Captain Henry and said, “We missed you and thought you were a goner, Henry!”

“Yes…I missed you too.” (page 213)

This is awkward because in the last book, it’s strongly implied that Maya has the hots for Captain Henry. This doesn’t make sense because they’ve been separated for what, twenty minutes? You don’t really get an opportunity to miss someone in twenty minutes, especially if you spend that twenty minutes doing your best not to drown. And this is stupid, because in the last chapter the Encouragers specifically said that no one was going to die. Why doesn’t anyone ever call them on their bullshit?

The island is called Isobara and there are friendly natives there that start a fire for them. Joey and some guards go and fetch firewood and bring back big bundles of sticks. Danny puts a bundle of sticks on the fire. As he does so, a poisonous viper comes out and bites his hand. Maya grabs the snake and throws it into the fire. Incidentally, this entire sequence, all the way back to the shipwreck, is taken directly from the Bible. Acts 27 – the apostle Paul is shipwrecked, and after everyone gets ashore, they’re building a fire and a viper comes out and bites his hand.

Danny’s hand starts to swell up. Maya takes off running and asks some natives if there is someone who can help. Eventually she tracks down a wise woman named Aretha who lives in a house in the forest. Aretha immediately starts whipping up a remedy:

She filled the glass with herbs and oil, closed it with a lid and shook the content vehemently (pages 216-217).

I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

Aretha tells Maya that they need to cut the wound open, pour the liquid into the wound three times, and then Danny will need to drink the rest of it. Then she asks Maya who she is because apparently Maya’s face has a special shining quality to it. Good grief.

Maya explains she’s the princess of Maradonia. Aretha very pointedly then calls her a queen, and explains that very soon a ‘Blood Red Moon’ will appear, and when it does disaster will strike the land and they’ll have to rule with an iron fist or Maradonia will fall. Maya heads back to save Danny, and as she runs, the words of the wise woman run through her head:

‘The deity always needs a circumstance to get in contact with you and even creates sometimes circumstances to get our attention’ (page 219).

Yeah.

Drinks: 58

Note: If you enjoyed this sporking, you may like some of my other sporkings on my website: Conjugal Felicity

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Comment

  1. BettyCross on 11 June 2011, 18:42 said:

    they’ll have to rule with an iron fist or Maradonia will fall.

    Oy vey. The Iron Fist is getting closer.

  2. swenson on 11 June 2011, 19:03 said:

    At this rate, she’s gonna run out of Bible verses to rip off. What’s next, Maya and Joey having visions of wheels within wheels and fighting giants with slings?

  3. Brontozaurus on 11 June 2011, 20:14 said:

    Maybe the Iron Fist is going to be literal, and they’ll have to chop their hands off and replace them with metal ones.

  4. Taku on 11 June 2011, 20:24 said:

    And, despite being in a fucking hurricane, and huge waves washing over the ship, ever single person makes it safely ashore the island through the power of Tesch’s And So It Was…

    I actually really want to read that bit. I’ve heard a lot about Tesch’s infamous ‘And So It Was’es, but I’ve yet to read one. And this one seems like a prime example. Pretty please?

  5. Spanman on 11 June 2011, 20:35 said:

    What’s next, Maya and Joey having visions of wheels within wheels and fighting giants with slings?

    I wouldn’t be surprised if Joey had a David moment. At the rate she’s going, Tesch will soon have covered all the major parables, events of Revelation, and Old Testament Bible stories.

  6. Ridureyu on 11 June 2011, 21:42 said:

    But… but that’s how snakes shake hands!

    HE WAS BEING FRIENDLY, AND YOU THREW HIM INTO THE FIRE, YOU BASTARD.

  7. Costanza on 12 June 2011, 00:03 said:

    Captain Charlie? Commander Justin? Danny? These are the worst names I have ever heard in a fantasy novel. Some dumbass name with a thousand apostrophes that’s spelled like Elistrastrophes Gi’leo Ra’pta’aed would be better than this.

    What’s next? Chancellor Philip, Commander Bobbie, Officer George, Admiral Steve?

  8. Sahgo on 12 June 2011, 01:33 said:

    Maya hugged Captain Henry and said, “We missed you and thought you were a goner, Henry!”

    This is the most awkwardly worded, yet somewhat complex, relief exclamation I’ve ever read.

  9. WulfRitter on 12 June 2011, 02:52 said:

    “Lorris screamed, ‘Don’t give us that crap!’”

    I can’t keep track of who all is who in this delightful little romp, but I am hoping that Lorris is not a fairy. Somehow, it seems very unfey-like to be screaming out the word “crap”. Not that I mind the word “crap”, I just don’t think Lewis woulda done it that way.

    Also, as Tesch plunders the Bible with all the tact of an invading troop of Hessians, have we had a Witch of Endor Moment TM yet? If we haven’t, I’m horribly disappointed in young Tesch.

  10. Danielle on 12 June 2011, 02:58 said:

    Y’know, reading this spork and some of the other sporkings on your site (side note: they’re awesome) makes me think of something my dad once said: “The need is not the call.” Tesch is, quite obviously, trying to write “the Christian Harry Potter.” She decided that since there wasn’t enough good fantasy out there, she neded to be the one to write it. A lot of Christian authors do that, I think.

    But, like my dad said, just because there’s a need doesn’t mean you’re the one who’s meant to fill it.

    (P.S.: Gilbert Morris also wrote a sci-fi series called The Daystar Voyages. I read them when I was 14 or so and thought they were decent, but looking back they were actually pretty awful. If you’re looking for more crummy Christian “lit-ra-chur” to spork….)

  11. Prince O' Tea on 12 June 2011, 06:43 said:

    Wait, so saying thankyou to someone who has been nice to you (or has saved your lives several times) is… suddenly Deep and Profound Wisdom?
    Maya does have a habit of praising just about everything in her brother, doesn’t she? Even when he’s being a sociopathic little shit, who has incinerated an entire forest of sentient wildlife, she still is in awe of his “great wisdom” for realising that maybe the second time you torch an ancient forest full of talking animals, you should be slightly more careful about handling a giant flamethrower. We should really set up a Maya Confuses Common Sense with Profound Wisdom Count.

    They also went to find a wise woman called Aretha. Who told Maya that R E S P E C T that’s what it means to me…

  12. BettyCross on 12 June 2011, 06:49 said:

    @WulfRitter, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Lorris is one of the fairies.

  13. BettyCross on 12 June 2011, 07:37 said:

    What’s next? Chancellor Philip, Commander Bobbie, Officer George, Admiral Steve?

    We’ve already had a Senator Hilton in the first book, even though I saw no mention of a Senate.

  14. Prince O' Tea on 12 June 2011, 08:04 said:

    And since Gloria loves to spoil herself, we will be having a King Joey soon. Not a King Joseph.

    Who will lead an “army of teenagers”.

  15. LoneWolf on 12 June 2011, 11:31 said:

    “Justin” is a fine name, especially if you pronounce it the non-barbaric way, “Iustin” (there were two Byzantine emperors with that name). “Philip” and “George” are OK, too – they are respectable Greek names, especially if you Hellenise the latter as “Georgios”.

    “Danny” is OK as a diminutive, but bad as an actual name.

    “Joey” as an actual proper name and “Bobbie” are stupid, though. “Hilton” should go and die in a fire.

    The thing that amazes me is that Tesch is comparatively subtle about her Biblical references, compared to her extreme heavy-handedness about everything else.

  16. BettyCross on 12 June 2011, 13:09 said:

    @LoneWolf, I was thinking about that too. We haven’t seen an equivalent for Aslan, the lion that the White Witch tortured to death for our sins on the Stone Tablet in the first Narnia book.

  17. LoneWolf on 12 June 2011, 13:19 said:

    Well, Astrodoulos was the closest to a Jesus figure that we’ve seen yet, but it seems that he had played his part already and is truly dead.

  18. Prince O' Tea on 12 June 2011, 13:38 said:

    At least Aslan managed to pull off a gambit that resulted in Edmund surviving and the White Witch getting completely and utterly pwn’d.

    Astrojesus knew he was going to die, still fought Abaddon and killed him but died in the process. Apollyon simply revived his son with a Phoenix Down.

    Pointless sacrifice is pointless.

  19. Requiem on 12 June 2011, 14:41 said:

    As much as I dislike the Narnia series this book series seems to take out all that was probably good in c.s. lewis books and shit on it. i’m just glad she isn’t ripping off Final Fantasy.

  20. LoneWolf on 12 June 2011, 14:41 said:

    Well, the revival of Abaddon was due to the stupidity of Genarius, who allowed ‘Pollo to retrieve ‘Baddy’s body.

    BTW, doesn’t “Astrodoulos” mean “servant of the stars”?

  21. LoneWolf on 12 June 2011, 14:43 said:

    Oh, and “Maradonia” is much more funny then any Narnia.

  22. DictatorHat on 12 June 2011, 16:44 said:

    The funny thing is, I think Abaddon and Apollyon refer to the same beast in the Bible. According to the Brick Testament, anyway.

  23. Flarehawk on 12 June 2011, 20:01 said:

    The entire reason why Maya and Joey were summoned back into Maradonia was because of all the bad things that had been happening, and when we finally get the point where we’re going to learn everything that has happened, Tesch decides to skip it entirely and spend the time talking about the fucking weather.

    And this, ladies, gentlemen and hobos-in-internet-cafes, is why you don’t let easily-distracted people narrate your story.

    Also,
    aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

    Pant pant
    Fuck this book.

  24. Asahel on 12 June 2011, 22:07 said:

    The funny thing is, I think Abaddon and Apollyon refer to the same beast in the Bible. According to the Brick Testament, anyway.

    Actually, they’re the same word in two languages. Abaddon is destroyer/destruction in Hebrew, and Apollyon is that in Greek.

  25. Costanza on 12 June 2011, 22:10 said:

    “Therefore we urge you today to take nourishment.”

    I know this line was directly called out in the spork, but still. I can’t get over how utterly atrocious this is. Nobody has spoken like this sine the 1600s.

  26. LoneWolf on 13 June 2011, 03:59 said:

    Maya and Joey are very complex characters whose ‘Inner Wisdom’ allows them to transcend the ‘Normal Speech of Modern Teenagers’ who are all ‘Video Gamers’ and are part of the ‘Gothic Movement’.

  27. Emanon on 13 June 2011, 06:09 said:

    Album: Shipwrecked
    Genre: Carolina Beach Music
    Band: The Shore Stumblers

    1. A Tricky Situation (McGriddle Wisdom)
    2. Drifting Sand Masses
    3. The Mermaid’s Glare
    4. Captain Charlie’s Pipe
    5. Testing King Roach
    6. How’s The Weather?
    7. Viper In the Fire
    8. Blood Red Moon
    9. Danny Can’t Swim

  28. BettyCross on 13 June 2011, 08:50 said:

    @Emanon, Bonus Track: Don’t Gimme None of Your Crap.

    Carolina beach music rocks, BTW.

  29. WulfRitter on 13 June 2011, 14:02 said:

    The “albums” that you guys come up with are full of win, by the way.

  30. -Sentinel- on 13 June 2011, 18:02 said:

    blinks at the map in disbelief

    Have we commented on this already? There’s so many things wrong with it… Maramon-River splitting in four, Lake-Lagoon having three outflows, Mara-Lake not being connected to any visible river… At least, Gloria realistically placed her settlements near rivers and the sea instead of peppering them at random.

    .

    The thing that amazes me is that Tesch is comparatively subtle about her Biblical references, compared to her extreme heavy-handedness about everything else.

    You know, I’m not even sure she’s consciously trying to reference the Bible. To me, she seems like someone who’s read virtually nothing but the Bible (and possibly Narnia), and suffers from a stunted imagination as a result.

  31. Prince O' Tea on 13 June 2011, 19:49 said:

    The name “Lake Lagoon” should tell you everything Gloria and her family know about geography.

  32. BettyCross on 13 June 2011, 19:56 said:

    So, a mermaid pops her head out of the sea, sees Maya with Joey, and scowls. I get it. She thinks Maya is Joey’s girlfriend, and is jealous.

    Looks like some real drama’s going to break out.

  33. Ridureyu on 13 June 2011, 20:01 said:

    No, I’m pretty sure she’s sitting at her computer, thinking “I am the C. S. Lewis of my generation!”

  34. Ridureyu on 13 June 2011, 20:08 said:

    Also, this is the forst google image result for “King Roach.”

    http://www.dougthebuginc.com/resources/dougthebug.clearwater.pestcontrol3.jpg

  35. BettyCross on 13 June 2011, 22:03 said:

    Was Gloria really clueless enough to name a sympathetic character “Roach?” Dear sweet merciful God!

  36. Rorschach on 13 June 2011, 22:04 said:

    Was Gloria really clueless enough to name a sympathetic character “Roach?” Dear sweet merciful God!

    His name is actually King Ruach. I started calling him King Roach back in book 1 because…well, why not?

  37. Ridureyu on 13 June 2011, 22:16 said:

    I just thought that she pronounced it “Ro-Akh” and never stopped to think how it was spelled.

  38. swenson on 13 June 2011, 22:32 said:

    Wow, really? I thought his name really was King Roach this whole time! I guess I never really paid much attention to his real name…

  39. Flarehawk on 14 June 2011, 06:56 said:

    I can’t say I blame you; His real name was used very few times before it got turned into Roach. Probably one of those “This name is hard to spell, so I’ll spell it like this” things.

    Thus, we get Astrojesus. And King Roach. Much easier to spell, and a lot less retarded to boot.

  40. BettyCross on 14 June 2011, 07:10 said:

    @Rorschach, Ruach is the Hebrew word for Spirit. But I gotta admit, King Roach is funnier.

  41. LoneWolf on 14 June 2011, 07:40 said:

    “To me, she seems like someone who’s read virtually nothing but the Bible (and possibly Narnia), and suffers from a stunted imagination as a result”.

    Well, she has read the “Magic Tree House Books”, some Greek mythology, and, apparently, Twilight, though she didn’t seem to be that impressed by the latter.

  42. BettyCross on 14 June 2011, 11:36 said:

    Maybe the Iron Fist is going to be literal, and they’ll have to chop their hands off and replace them with metal ones.

    I hope so. I’m looking forward to Maya and Joe returning home and explaining their metal prosthetic hands to the Swansons.

  43. LoneWolf on 14 June 2011, 12:13 said:

    No, I want the Iron Fist to be a metaphor for the brutish, tyrannical rule of the siblings. It will be cool to read about.

  44. BettyCross on 14 June 2011, 13:16 said:

    @LoneWolf, you may have a point there.

    Maradonia is supposed to teach moral lessons, but the lessons so far have been either incoherent or rather shallow. So it wouldn’t surprise me if Maya and Joe regimented all Maradonia for the war against the underworld, and it’s okay if they do it because they’re the Good Guys.

  45. LoneWolf on 14 June 2011, 15:32 said:

    Well, Gloria actually had been fairly consistent in portraying Joey as a sociopath and Maya as very capricious, so I think that it’s indeed possible that our Royal Brats will do things that are objectively tyrannical.

  46. Thea on 14 June 2011, 16:36 said:

    To me, she seems like someone who’s read virtually nothing but the Bible (and possibly Narnia), and suffers from a stunted imagination as a result.

    Since she’s familiar with the stories, she’s probably been raised in the Christian culture and familiar through the stories as they were taught to her, and probably hasn’t read the Bible at all…maybe those kids books that retell the story with illustrations.

    The one thing that popped in my mind in this chapter is Mara and Joey hugging Danny in greeting. Yeah, they knew him when he was a kid but how old is he now? And all I can think is that he’d probably be far more mature than the two of them (given that Maradonia presumably has a culture in which teenagers aren’t pretty much useless in society like here) so it creeps me out.

    Maradonia is supposed to teach moral lessons, but the lessons so far have been either incoherent or rather shallow. So it wouldn’t surprise me if Maya and Joe regimented all Maradonia for the war against the underworld, and it’s okay if they do it because they’re the Good Guys.

    Sounds right on par for Gloria.

  47. Prince O' Tea on 14 June 2011, 19:04 said:

    Well we have been smashed around the head with the Witchcraft and the Occult is Evil and is Bad But Is Different From the Magic Of the Good Guys Somehow mallet several times, (pretty much every chapter in Gold of Ophir)

    So maybe Maya and Joey are going to lead a mass torture and execution against all witches and wizards? You know, beause they are the Good Guys. I imagine Queen Maya being like this:

    “I smell witchcrafts. Burn the village to the ground! If any survive, bring out the Breast Rippers and the Pears of Anguish.”

  48. LoneWolf on 15 June 2011, 04:07 said:

    Maya and Joey are ‘the Encouragers’, ‘The Prince and Princess of Maradonia’ and are ‘Very Mature Teenagers’.

  49. VikingBoyBilly on 15 June 2011, 07:19 said:

    Rorscach! You finished Keeper Martin’s Tale. This makes me very happy =)

    @lonewolf
    Well, Gloria actually had been fairly consistent in portraying Joey as a sociopath and Maya as very capricious, so I think that it’s indeed possible that our Royal Brats will do things that are objectively tyrannical.

    This is so out of character. You’ve always been defending Maradonia against all the haters, and suddenly this?

    PS. I keep forgetting how to do a proper blockquote. I type bq. and get nothing.

  50. BettyCross on 15 June 2011, 08:18 said:

    I’ve found that BQ works on my IE7 browser.

  51. BettyCross on 15 June 2011, 08:20 said:

    It also works on Mozilla Foxfire. It didn’t work on either of my browsers for a long time. Honestly, I don’t know what has changed.

  52. LoneWolf on 15 June 2011, 10:29 said:

    This is so out of character. You’ve always been defending Maradonia against all the haters, and suddenly this?

    I guess I need two accounts.

  53. Costanza on 15 June 2011, 18:52 said:

    I hate Maradonia. I would like for the United States to find out about this ‘world between worlds’ and bomb the shit out of it. Then waterboard Joey and try him and Maya for war crimes. Now that would be fun to see.

  54. LoneWolf on 15 June 2011, 18:58 said:

    Maradonia is too unintentionally amusing and just plain trippy to hate.

  55. Prince O' Tea on 15 June 2011, 19:58 said:

    Plus if Gloria was a fictional character instead of being all too real, she would be a comic masterpiece. Her antics are hilarious.

  56. Costanza on 15 June 2011, 23:36 said:

    By the way, why on the map is there a giant black triangle labeled ‘Pool’? Is it just a really awesome pool?

    Oh, and Gloria would make a good character for a comedy or a satire of some sort. Too bad it’s already been done before in real life, with the intention of being a profound genius.

  57. LoneWolf on 16 June 2011, 03:43 said:

    It’s a natural pool with waterfalls, or something like that. AFAIK, in “Seven Bridges” Maya and Joey spend a whole chapter faffing about with mermaids in that pool.

  58. Erin on 16 June 2011, 21:06 said:

    So, a mermaid pops her head out of the sea, sees Maya with Joey, and scowls. I get it. She thinks Maya is Joey’s girlfriend, and is jealous.

    But I thought all the mermaids(including the one that has the hots for Joey) were Maya’s friends too. Didn’t they take her to see their underwater kingdom in the last book? They should know her and know that she’s Joey’s sister.

    I need to stop thinking when I read these sporks. I’d be better off getting mostly pretty drunk with Charlie.

    Also, the ‘Blood Red Moon’ appearing at a time of a disaster may be a Bible ripoff as well. It’s one of the signs of the apocalypse.

    Revelation 6:12: I watched as he opened the sixth seal. There was a great earthquake. The sun turned black like sackcloth made of goat hair, the whole moon turned blood red.

  59. LoneWolf on 17 June 2011, 03:39 said:

    Well, possibly it’s a mermais bribed by Apollyon, or something.

  60. VikingBoyBilly on 17 June 2011, 08:15 said:

    I love that there’s a Plateau of Death and a High Plateau of Death. It doesn’t show up on this snippet of the map but I remember seeing them on the full map.

  61. LoneWolf on 17 June 2011, 16:33 said:

    No, there’s a ‘High Plateau’ and a ‘High Plateau of Death’. You clearly didn’t pay enough attention to the ‘Gripping Narrative of the Maradonia-Saga’.

  62. Flarehawk on 18 June 2011, 12:11 said:

    Personally, I think it was a result of Tesch suffering from short-term memory loss while drawing the map.

    I feel like I’m reading the Space Thunder Kids of “Novels”. (Sarcasm finger-quotes optional but implied.)

  63. LoneWolf on 20 June 2011, 06:18 said:

    On a side note, it seems that the narrative again returned to random semi-whimsical faffing about, instead of continuing in the tradition of Jack Chick.

  64. BettyCross on 20 June 2011, 14:26 said:

    I was browsing YouTube today for Onion.com fake news segments, when I came across this:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEtw3XJoJrE&feature=relmfu

    It reminds me of Maya ruling Maradonia with an iron fist.

  65. Flarehawk on 22 June 2011, 00:20 said:

    It’s not even that whimsical. Aside from unicorns and mermaids, there is practically nothing differentiating this from earth. These two could have stumbled into that cave and breathed in LSD gas or some shit and hallucinated everything. This entire book could have literally taken place in a fever dream brought on by exposure to hallucinogens and nobody would be any the wiser.

    Oh right, this book was made on the same creatively starved plane as the newest final fantasy games, and actually most current-gen sequels. Go figure all the magical creatures GTesch can come up with are ranked 1 and 2 on the list of magical creatures used most often.

  66. TheArmada on 22 June 2011, 00:38 said:

    I’ve got a question for the universe: How come I spend two years working on a scifi story and its only 27,00 words and pretty damn shitty at that, and this woman can do 8 novels of 80k words apiece in the same time? how is that fair?

    Do you think you could spork mine when its finished Rorschach?

  67. Rorschach on 22 June 2011, 00:45 said:

    Well, you probably actually cared a lot more about it’s quality that Tesch did, Armada.

    Also, she’s written six novels – okay, five, currently, at less than 80k, and she actually wrote them over over what, a six-year period? With her father helping her by coming up with plot elements.

    Also, I might consider it, but I tend to be rather harsh when I spork, which is a little unfair to you. Also, I have a long list of things to spork that are currently on my agenda…

  68. TheArmada on 22 June 2011, 00:52 said:

    Okay, thanks Rorschach, you’re first sentence has encouraged me more than the actual encouragers have done in those books.

    Also, I would like to note that if an actual writer had done the Maradonia saga, meaning without the grammar and inconsistencies and shitty names, it could’ve been good.

  69. BettyCross on 22 June 2011, 07:47 said:

    @Flarehawk, you are forgetting the talking animals and evil fairies. (Actually I think having evil fairies is a good idea, very fresh and original. Fairies are usually characterized as “cute.”)

    @TheArmada, from reading the sporkings, I can think of lots of ways to make the Maradonia books better, but I don’t write fix fics. That’s Gloria’s job, if she’s willing to do it.

  70. LoneWolf on 22 June 2011, 08:43 said:

    Well, evil fairies are certainly more original then good fairies, but it isn’t really a subversion, unless your definition of a “fairy” is too narrow. The original Fair Folk wasn’t all that pleasant.

  71. Prince O' Tea on 23 June 2011, 19:52 said:

    I would say since the Victorians pretty much reinvented fairies from babystealing soulless abominations to beautiful little maidens with butterfly wings, I would say evil fairies are pretty original (since they have pretty much died out in modern stories.) Original fairies were more like the goblins from Labyrinth.

    Dance, magic dance…

  72. BettyCross on 25 June 2011, 13:49 said:

    Well, I found a podcast of Gloria Tesch reading an excerpt from “M. and the Law of Blood.” It’s an action sequence in which some flying griffins are carrying a princess named Krimheld (sp?) across the ocean to visit King Joey of Tyronia. Yep, that Joey. However, the Evil Empire sends a bunch of predatory birds called something like Rocken to attack the griffins. While this battle is underway, pirates show up and begin showering both combatants with “bunches” (not volleys, bunches) of arrows.

    It could have been a decent action sequence, but Gloria apparently puts her works out there with almost no revision.

    If anyone cares, the URL is:

    http://www.wkid967fm.com/images/Gloria_Tesch_Reading.mp3

  73. Prince o' Tea on 26 June 2011, 18:25 said:

    Well Glow Knows that editing is for the little people, and precious time wasted during editing means… her books can’t come out faster, she gets older, and soon she won’t be the youngest pwecious prodiggy no more!
    Bless.

    I really hate how she feels to explain who the characters are every two minutes, as if we are too thick to remember them without their full name, rank and title. She could be explaining them for the audience’s benefit, but we do know Gloria actually writes like this.

  74. Fell Blade on 11 August 2011, 10:22 said:

    Incidentally, this entire sequence, all the way back to the shipwreck, is taken directly from the Bible. Acts 27 – the apostle Paul is shipwrecked, and after everyone gets ashore, they’re building a fire and a viper comes out and bites his hand.

    Actually it goes back further. Paul foretells the shipwreck, the captain doesn’t believe him. The storm comes in and Paul says “Told you so, but you won’t die. No get something to eat.”

    Um….what was the point of pulling this out except to make Christian readers think, “Hey, there’s a Bible reference! This book rocks!” Yeah, I’m a Christian and that’s not the thought coming to mind…

  75. Emma on 22 September 2011, 11:21 said:

    have we had a Witch of Endor Moment TM yet?

    I may be thinking of the wrong thing, but I’m pretty sure that the very first Bible rip-off in book 1 was based on this

  76. Evil Imperialist (formerly Catflap) on 29 October 2013, 03:10 said:

    ““Therefore we urge you today to take nourishment.” (page 206)

    Yes. That is precisely what a couple teenagers from modern America say.”

    ~~ …if they are quoting Acts 27.34, then they might talk indeed like that:

    www.biblestudytools.com/acts/27-34-compare.html‎

  77. Lone Wolf on 31 October 2013, 15:33 said:

    This only underlines the highly moral and spiritual nature of the Maradonia-Saga!

    Pity that Gloria recently had completely abandoned her moralistic prudeness and is now just posting suggestive photos of herself on Facebook en masse, though. She is probably happy that her suggestive pictures bring more positive attention to her then her writing.