Chapter Nineteen – Extinction of the Emerald Kingdom

Maya and Joey take off through Maradonia, traveling quickly using their Tarnkappes.

It was a long way to reach the swamp of their good old friend Oraculus (page 144).

I could argue that it’s not possible to become good friends with someone you’ve only met twice, but I suppose, under certain circumstances, and if you spent a lot of time talking and getting to know each other, it might be theoretically possible. In this case, it’s not, because they didn’t. Both visits to Oraculus consisted of them standing there while Oraculus rambled for pages about things that were going to happen to them, they asked a few questions, and that was it. They aren’t friends. They’re barely acquaintances.

Tesch explains that the coastlines have changed dramatically since their last visit, and there are new exotic trees and strange-looking plants everywhere. Now, I know, since I flipped ahead in the book, that about four to six years have passed in Maradonia. I’m not really an expert but I’m pretty sure entire trees don’t grow and coastlines don’t change dramatically in the space of four to six years. I guess Tesch could handwave that via Magic, though.

As they get closer to Oraculus’ swamp, they see a yellow circle of light dancing over it. Maya and Joey talk about it. This light concerns them, especially Joey:

“Our outstretched experience with the powers of dark craft tells us to be alert.” (page 145).

Sorry. Outstretched experience? What the fuck does that even mean?

They continue through the swamp. There are snakes everywhere. Maya mentions that she hates snakes. You know, if she really hates snakes, shouldn’t there have been some mention of that back in the first book when Maya faced down an enormous snake (that Joey then murdered) without batting an eyelash?

They continue on. Tesch describes the scenery, the fish, the insects, the birds, and foliage. It’s not badly written, but it’s not well-written, either.

Suddenly Maya let out a short but blood-curdling scream (page 147).

Joey runs over. Turns out they can see, off in the distance, the fairies Gertrude, Lorris, and Ceara. However, the fairies are so far away they can’t see what they’re up to. But they’re near enough to be seen. Yet far enough away so they didn’t hear Maya’s scream. Yes.

The Encouragers creep forward, invisible, until they’re close enough to see the fairies talking to Oraculus.

The fairies, in a roundabout way, explain for Maya and Joey’s benefit that they have heard they’re in Maradonia and that Oraculus is hiding them in his swamp, and that they are here to make sure Oraculus doesn’t give them any more advice. Oraculus, to his credit, just smirks at them and doesn’t give a shit. He also refers to Gertrude as Terrible Trudy. Knowing Tesch, I’m pretty sure this is Gertrude’s actual nickname, intended seriously.

“You tried to trap and to kill Princess Maya and Prince Joey several times before…but…these teenagers were always a little smarter and faster than you.” (page 149)

Um…no. Sorry, Oraculus. They were never smarter and faster. In a couple cases they were lucky, and in the rest of the cases they were saved by the Powers of Light. The only time they were ever faster was when they had their magical Deus ex Machina hats.

Gertrude tells Oraculus she can sense Maya and Joey’s presence, and if he doesn’t spill the beans she’ll have Ceara torch the entire place. Oraculus says that Maya and Joey haven’t visited him. Then he shouts to his daughter, Ordelia, that she’s his successor.

“I give you my mantle of prophesy and my divine gift to contact the deity.” (page 151)

I’m pretty sure you can’t just give divine gifts away.

Oraculus and the fairies yell at each other for a few more pages but it’s not especially interesting or informative. Except for this bit:

“You can destroy and set my swamp on fire…but….what concerns Maya and Joey… you know very well that you cannot touch them. They are blood members of the kingdom of light and they are untouchable by your powers” (page 152).

I’ll come back to this quote in a minute. Maya and Joey realize what’s about to happen, so they turn and run for their lives. After a bit, they get to the edge and turn around in time to see a huge fireball shoot up and incinerate the entire Emerald Kingdom. They are both very sad.

Which makes me wonder: why didn’t they do something?

I could write up a detailed description of why this is moronic, but I don’t need to, because Joey is going to explain it for me:

“But I see another problem because somehow both of us have to consider again that we are invulnerable and untouchable by the fairies and we have forgotten about this important fact. [snip] Maya, this incident should teach us an unforgettable lesson. We cannot afford to run from danger anymore and I cannot forgive myself that it did not even come to my mind that we are untouchable…

“I should have taken Defender and I should have blown these fairies once and for all away. I should have pushed the trigger of Defender when we were hiding behind the cypress tree. I am so ashamed about myself that both of us, the Encouragers of the Land of Maradonia, ran away in panic, instead of moving forward and save the life of our good friend Oraculus! I ask myself… Why is it that this fact did not come earlier to our mind, especially after our experience with the airships?” (pages 156-157)

It’s rare that one of the characters in the book actually stops and points out the putrid, festering, unadulterated idiocy of a scene. So, I’m going to take a few seconds to bask in the moment and then rip it a new asshole anyway.

Ready? And I apologize for the angry all caps:

WHY THE FUCK WOULDN’T YOU REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE INVINCIBLE, WHEN A CHARACTER, IN THE SCENE, REMINDS YOU OF THAT TWENTY SECONDS BEFORE IT HAPPENS?

I could almost buy Maya and Joey not remembering they’re invincible when they get back to Maradonia. After all, it has been a few weeks, and Maya and Joey really aren’t that bright. But a character said it. They were sitting there carefully listening to every word. And apparently it didn’t take.

I’m really not sure how this scene came into existence. There are two possibilities:

1. Tesch was writing the scene and realized that Joey would be able to kill the fairies, which was a problem because she needed the fairies alive for a later scene in the book. So she added this scene to try and cover the plot hole. Which was a terrible idea, for the reasons I just outlined.

2. Tesch intended for this scene to go down the way it did all along in order to accomplish…well, something. Guilt? To try and throw in some character development? To demonstrate that her characters aren’t perfect? I don’t know. Regardless, it was a terrible idea, for the reasons I just outlined.

More importantly, this entire problem is completely avoidable. NOTHING in this scene was vital or even close to being vital. And (spoiler alert) Maya and Joey are about to meet Ordelia, Oraculus’ daughter. They could have simply arrived just after Oraculus was fried and Ordelia could have explained what happened.

I suppose this entire travesty of a scene will still work if this actually has long-lasting affects. After all, there’s nothing worse than the guilt you feel after a good friend dies and you could have prevented it. That’s the kind of horrible, soul-crushing guilt that lingers for years. Only a complete sociopath would be able to move on from something like this without having it affect them at all…

Yeah. I’m guessing this is forgotten within a chapter or two.

Chapter Twenty – Out of the Ashes

After they eat some fruit, Joey and Maya head back into the smoldering swamp. They wander around for a bit and find nothing. Eventually Joey whips out his gyrocompass and explains that the Garden City of Mundan is southwest from where they are. How he knows that without a map, I have no idea. Nor do I know why they’re going there.

But suddenly a voice pipes up and says that she feels their presence. It’s Ordelia. She asks them to take her with them and drop her off at the swamp where her father’s half brothers live, which coincidentally is on their way to Mundan. Ordelia was there during the entire scene with the fairies and survived it, I assume, by swimming to the bottom of the pond. Apparently Oraculus wasn’t able to do the same thing.

Ordelia talks about how much her father taught her and relates an abbreviated version of her life story and finally breaks down crying because her father is dead.

Neither of the Encouragers feels guilty or admits it’s their fault her father is dead.

Chapter Twenty-One – Words of Magic

They head southwest. The scenery is gorgeous. There are huge herds of wild horses and even some unicorns. Okay then.

Ordelia asks them if they have a king or queen where they come from. Maya explains that they have a democratic government, with a president, which isn’t exactly true. Ordelia asks how they get their president:

“Hmm, this is indeed difficult to explain but the truth is that you buy yourself more or less into the position of a president. One thing is that you need a lot of money to become president of our country. Money is like gold and…Gold rules! Yes. Gold rules our country. Let me give you an answer. ‘We have the best government, money can buy!’” (page 165).

It’s adorable, isn’t it, watching fourteen-year-olds try and sum up the government of the United States in a witty sentence or two?

Ordelia said in amazement, “Wow! I did not know that!” (page 165)

No shit, Sherlock? That couldn’t possibly be because Maya is talking about the government system from a completely different universe, could it?

After a bit they reach the swamp. They have to get past some spider webs first, which includes a boring scene where Joey teases Maya about hating spiders, and Ordelia talking about how delicious spiders are, despite their hairy legs. Eventually they reach a clearing and find Libertine there talking to Ordelia’s relatives, Castor and Pollox.

Ordelia explains that the fairies destroyed the Emerald Kingdom and killed Oraculus. Castor asks why. Maya pipes up and says that she and Joey are the reason. Ah, good. Finally some honesty and culpability. Maya is going to admit that she and Joey could have saved his life but didn’t because they’re pussies and idiots. They will finally public admit that – wait, never mind.

Maya says that the powers of darkness follow them because they freed a bunch of prisoners from the Empire of Evil. And that’s it.

Pollox is amazed, and politely asks them to leave before they attract attention. However, before they leave, they want to have a short fortunetelling session.

Ordelia thanks them for bring her here. Hey, it was the least they could do after they let the fairies murder your father and destroy your home!

“We are very grateful for what you did and as a thank you gift we will give you a word from the deity and maybe a Miracle Swing Word of Magic…” (page 171)

I still don’t know where ‘Swing Word’ comes from.

Ordelia goes into a trance, starts humming, and finally addresses them formally and says they have a new quest. Soon they will carry gold crowns, Maya will get treasure, they’ll fly on dragons, fight birds, their search for the Gold of Ophir will be unsuccessful for a long time, King Genarius makes a mistake, King Pergamon dies happy, there is sparkles of love in the air for both Maya and Joey, and Joey gets pulled underwater and somebody steals his personality and his body and his body changes into a water creature with scales [???]. It’s horrible.

Afterwards, Pollox has a bit of a prophecy about trusting their hearts instead of their eyes, and then there’s this gem:

“Not everything that shines like gold…is gold!” (page 174)

Never heard that before.

He gives them another Swingword of Magic:

“‘Not everything may seem to be…what you seem to see!’” (page 174)

Pollox explains that after wisdom and magic has filled their minds, this word will have a powerful healing effect. So I guess this is how Maya’s fingers eventually get healed.

Joey is worried and wants Ordelia to further explain his future, but Maya tells him to shut up because Ordelia can’t spend a long time staying in contact with the spiritual world, which is awfully convenient.

Drinks: 57

Tagged as: ,

Comment

  1. Cadaver on 3 June 2011, 00:30 said:

    Ordelia was there during the entire scene with the fairies and survived it, I assume, by swimming to the bottom of the pond. Apparently Oraculus wasn’t able to do the same thing.

    . . . Why didn’t the fairies kill her, too?

    “Hmm, this is indeed difficult to explain but the truth is that you buy yourself more or less into the position of a president. One thing is that you need a lot of money to become president of our country.”

    I would assume you’d need a lot of money if you need to buy yourself the position. LOL.

    Ordelia can’t spend a long time staying in contact with the spiritual world, which is awfully convenient.

    How does she know that?

  2. WulfRitter on 3 June 2011, 01:35 said:

    Where do I get my own Swing Word of Magic TM, Mantle of Prophesy TM and Divine Gift to Contact the Deity TM? Does Maradonia have a Sears Roebucks? And if so, can I use a coupon code when I purchase?

  3. Taku on 3 June 2011, 03:48 said:

    the powers of dark craft

    I thought it was usually the Dark Arts, but now I’m just thinking of Dark Arts & Crafts. Crocheted Cthulhu, Knitted Kraken, macrame monsters, origami ogres, and so on. Rise, my felted Frankenstein!

  4. LoneWolf on 3 June 2011, 04:51 said:

    Wow. Tecsh reached the level of sophistication needed to do a Lampshade Hanging. It was a horrible Lampshade Hanging, but with Tesch, you treasure every step, no matter how small.

    Oh, and Castor and Pollox? Tesch sure knows her Greek mythology.

  5. BettyCross on 3 June 2011, 05:24 said:

    “Our outstretched experience with the powers of dark craft tells us to be alert.”

    Outstretched? Doesn’t she mean extensive?

    In English, “craft” means “skill,” but in German, “Kraft” means “power.”

    The few times I’ve heard Gloria Tesch speak in videos, there was nothing foreign about the way she sounded, but her vocabulary choices in this, uh, “book” do seem to indicate a German influenced vocabulary. I honestly think she was brought up bilingual and the family still speaks German at home.

  6. Emanon on 3 June 2011, 07:59 said:

    Album: Words of Magic
    Genre: Psychedelic Rock
    Band: The SwingWords

    1. Good Friend Oraculus
    2. Outstretched Experience
    3. Set the Swamp on Fire
    4. Untouchable By the Fairies
    5. Joey’s Memory Lapse
    6. Gyrocompass
    7. Gold Rules Our Country
    8. Pollox Is Amazed
    9. My Story Makes No Sense (But I’ll Tell It Anyway)

  7. Brontozaurus on 3 June 2011, 09:17 said:

    “Swing Words of Magic”?

    Ye gods, with those and ‘Mother Earth songs’ and ‘Clubs of Evil’, Maradonia is like the hipster of fantasy lands.

  8. Prince O' Tea on 3 June 2011, 09:20 said:

    Emerald Kingdom? Whut? Where has this swamp ever been referred to as a kingdom? Was Oraculus a king? How can a kingdom be extinct, when a toad princess near the center of the explosion was able to survive unscathed… just because?

    Also it makes me wonder if the forest that Joey torched (twice) was a kingdom too. Beryl Kingdom? Jade Kingdom? Not that Joey would care.

    I did like the line about Ordelia liking spiders, and I actually quite like the name Ordelia. And sadly enough, this chapter is actually less retarded then any of the events in Oceanside with the dearly departed Allana! Terrence! Or Suttie and Cassie.

  9. Requiem on 3 June 2011, 11:56 said:

    magical swing words of magic?

    I know what ash from the evil dead series would say.

    Ash: Clatto Verata N… Necktie… Neckturn… Nickel… It’s an “N” word, it’s definitely an “N” word! Clatto… Verata… N-
    [coughs] okay that’s it!

  10. Ridureyu on 3 June 2011, 13:02 said:

    Woooooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhh, duuuuuude! Like, dude, you’re saying, like… that money… is like gold? WOAH! Rocked my world, maaaaaaan!

    Money… is gold! This is revolutionary!

  11. BettyCross on 3 June 2011, 13:22 said:

    Who knew US Dollars are backed by gold? When did that happen? I thought they were all Federal Reserve Notes.

  12. Licht on 3 June 2011, 14:02 said:

    Betty, where are you from? Are you German?

    ‘Cause I’d suggest “Kraft” meaning “strength”. “Power” would be “Macht”.

    I’m not sure if I can/want to agree with the theory of her being German. Probably she’s just very bad with words.

  13. WulfRitter on 3 June 2011, 14:38 said:

    “Who knew US Dollars are backed by gold? When did that happen? I thought they were all Federal Reserve Notes.”

    Up until 1971, the US was on various forms of a gold standard wherein the dollar was backed by, or could be traded for, gold. However, since 1971, we use only Federal Reserve Notes. Some people – apparently Tesch is one of them – still think that the dollar is backed by gold.

    Then again, perhaps Tesch is trying to make a poorly played political commentary on the recent movement to return to a gold standard. With these books, I’m never sure.

  14. Rorschach on 3 June 2011, 14:40 said:

    Some people – apparently Tesch is one of them – still think that the dollar is backed by gold.

    I actually will cut Tesch a break here. I think Maya is just referring to money as gold because gold is the concept that Ordelia is familiar with.

  15. Prince O' Tea on 3 June 2011, 15:49 said:

    I was going under the theory that Maradonia’s currency are called “Tesches” and bear the likeness of a goddess named Gloria.

  16. BettyCross on 3 June 2011, 18:16 said:

    @Licht, no I’m not a German. I’m American. I studied German in college some 40 years ago and apparently don’t remember it as well as I thought I did. Thanks for the correction.

    @Rorschach, I think you’re right about the gold.

  17. Licht on 3 June 2011, 18:54 said:

    @BettyCross: Depends on who you ask. Some might agree with you, so don’t worry. You’ve found some maybe-German patterns in her writing I didn’t notice. You’re very good. :)

    Ohm… I think one of my posts disappeared…

    Because I think I might know what she’s going for with “dark craft”. Craft also means trade, right? Maybe she means “dark craft” like in “blacksmith’s craft” or “to know your craft”. Would that be possible?

    Sometimes I imagine Gtesch sitting on the floor, memory-cards with quotes and Bible verses written on them in front of her, picking some and sticking them together, clapping her hands and squealing: “I has written book! I is awesome! I is going to be famous!”

  18. Ridureyu on 4 June 2011, 00:25 said:

    I kind of imagine her like that one macro.

    “I am the C. S. Lewis of my generation!”

    and… that’s pretty much it. Just that. The poor girl is being denied her chance to learn how to write by all the yes-men hovering around her, keeping her from growing through adversity.

  19. LoneWolf on 4 June 2011, 01:23 said:

    Oh, and that chapter added Oraculus to the list of characters killed in “Ophir”. We only have to mourn that Maya and Joey won’t be among them.

  20. Prince O' Tea on 4 June 2011, 08:24 said:

    I am guessing Dark Craft is a way of saying dark magic/dark arts (because the last two are waaaay too cliche for our little literary genius wordsmith.) And we know how Gloria feels about Witchcraft (but not magic. Hmmm. Is magic good when the good guys use it, but its Witchcraft/Occult when Allanna Terrence and the Evil Empire use it?)

  21. BettyCross on 4 June 2011, 08:47 said:

    @Prince, in a word, the answer is “yes.”

    In MoronDonia, magic is a morally neutral tool. In this way, it is very unlike the Lord of the Rings, in which some kinds of magic derive their power from the Dark Lord and are morally corrupting to anybody else, no matter how “good” their intentions might be.

    I was hoping that Alanna Terrence would pursue Maya and Joey back into MaronDonia, get mixed up in the battle against the Evil Empire, and die somehow in connection with that, perhaps smitten by one hundred thousand lightning strikes. Alas, no such luck.

  22. Costanza on 4 June 2011, 11:10 said:

    Hmn….there is a lot of interesting things to write a story about relating to the US government and its two party, money dominated, world manipulating politics.

    However, a fantasy childrens book is not one of them. Especially since this came out of absolutely nowhere and she actually said: Gold rules!

    If she’s trying to push her political beliefs through this book, she’s probably helping the other side more.

  23. BettyCross on 4 June 2011, 14:01 said:

    @Costanza, it’s hard to tell what is the intended market for these books, but I suspect it’s teenagers, the so-called “Young Adult” market.

  24. LoneWolf on 4 June 2011, 15:58 said:

    Gloria Tesch is a very moral young lady who fights ‘The Gothic Movement’ and rampant corruption and materialism in the US government. Her ‘Maradonia-Saga’ is a bastion of morality in the modern world. I don’t understand why are you so against her.

  25. DictatorHat on 4 June 2011, 16:07 said:

    So the power of magic will make Maya and Joey swingers. This is the only logical explanation.

  26. Prince O' Tea on 4 June 2011, 16:28 said:

    Well they already are into incest.

  27. Lady Cricket on 4 June 2011, 16:51 said:

    So, after reading hard between the lines to see through Gloria’s subtlety (cough cough) I think I see a theme appearing. Gloria Tesch is trying to write the Maradonia series, or at least Gold of Ophir, as an anti-materialism/anti-greed message.

    Because attention whore Gloria, charges-$100-for-a-single-book-Gloria, parents-buying-her-a-movie-and-a-theme-park Gloria is our guiding light against money-whoring.

  28. Flarehawk on 4 June 2011, 19:09 said:

    So let me get this straight. Maya and Psychopath have just sat there, thumbs up asses as they were basically reminded that they were invincible, and decide that the best course of action is to run like cowardly babies and watch as their best acquaintance gets atomized in an explosion big enough to wipe an entire kingdom off the face of maradonia.

    Excuse me, I need to go find an image macro to properly convey what I’m feeling right now.

    No, too 4channy, too happy, too neutral, fuck that joke, trollface is overrated, too stupid… Ah, here we go.

    Also, the swing words of magic (just typing that makes me feel unclean) make me feel like someone punched me in the face with an Ice Cream Koan.

  29. Prince O' Tea on 4 June 2011, 20:17 said:

    Lady Cricket, couldn’t have put it better myself.

    Next Gloria, she who steals other people’s artwork off Deviantart and Google and sells it as “Official Maradonia Artwork” will be trying to educate us about respecting copyright laws.

  30. LoneWolf on 5 June 2011, 02:48 said:

    Ah, it wasn’t a “kingdom”. Probably just a poetic figure of speech.

  31. Prince O' Tea on 5 June 2011, 05:33 said:

    Gloria suddenly decided the tiny little swamp (that can be completely outran by two teenagers in a few seconds) should be a kingdom, so make it sound more dramatic. “End of the Swamp” vs “Extinction of the Emerald Kingdom” after all.

  32. LoneWolf on 5 June 2011, 07:36 said:

    You don’t understand the ‘Poetry of the Language of the Maradonia-Saga’

  33. swenson on 5 June 2011, 13:51 said:

    Oh wow. That was awful. I like the totally random rant against capitalism/the American government/whatever the rant was supposed to be against, I couldn’t quite tell, and the line ripped from Lord of the Rings. I wonder if she realizes the “all that glitters is not gold” is from LotR? Regardless, that’s a much better book. To console myself after reading this awful thing, I’m going to think about LotR instead.

    All that glitters is not gold
    Not all those who wander are lost
    The old that is strong will not wither
    Deep roots are not touched by the frost
    From the ashes, a fire shall be woken
    A light from the shadows shall spring
    Renewed shall be blade that was broken
    The crownless again shall be king.

  34. Costanza on 5 June 2011, 14:24 said:

    I would like to see a scene where Joey falls into a hole, is unable to climb out, and dies of thirst in.

  35. Prince O' Tea on 5 June 2011, 15:12 said:

    I would prefer a scene where he is locked in the Chokey from Matilda.

    And Maya is devoured by a Vermicious Knid.

  36. Flarehawk on 5 June 2011, 18:26 said:

    I’d prefer a scene where Gloria inserts herself into the story and gets brutally run through by Abbadon.

    And then Maya and Joey burn in hell for the rest of the book.

    Sadly, the chances of this happening are low, ranking just below “Tesch Takes The Fucking Hint” and just above “Something Bad Happens To Maya And Joey For More Than A Chapter”.

  37. Erin on 5 June 2011, 19:08 said:

    there is sparkles of love in the air for both Maya and Joey

    Great, just what this book was missing. An obnoxious romance plot.
    I am a bit excited for the bad things happening to Joey part, even though in the end, sadly, he’s going to be just fine.

  38. Flarehawk on 5 June 2011, 20:06 said:

    The way that was put makes me want to yell “INCEST” and run from the comment section like a man on fire.

    Oh balls, I just did. Err…

    Runs from the comment section like a man on fire

  39. BettyCross on 5 June 2011, 20:44 said:

    Joey’s got a mermaid girlfriend already from volume one. Does he ever phone or text her now?

    As for Maya, the great love of her life so far is Phoenix the dog, may the dear critter rest in peace. ducks incoming blows

  40. Requiem on 5 June 2011, 20:56 said:

    If Joey turns into a mermaid i’m going to lol. As for maya she’ll probably find some moobie prince or something retarded like that. Who knows what stupid may come? only rorschach knows.

  41. LoneWolf on 6 June 2011, 09:03 said:

    And yeah, one of the reasons I enjoy “Maradonia” so much is that it tries to be moralistic and didactic. It fails quite amusingly.

  42. BettyCross on 6 June 2011, 09:13 said:

    I’ve found somebody else, on Live Journal this time, who’s sporking Seven bridges.

    http://pariah164.livejournal.com/60447.html?thread=74271

    Pariah164 is his / her name. This time, more of Ms. Turlukova’s black and white line drawing illustrations are reproduced. Her artistic talents are uneven at best.

  43. Prince O' Tea on 6 June 2011, 09:41 said:

    Yeah, my only complaint with these fine sporks is that Turkolova’s fantastically erratic artwork does not get included as often as it should (since some of the drawings are so awesomely bad, they deserve to be sporked as well.) I would say that Maya’s Jay Leno Chin and Joey’s Blue Meanie Face are proof that that delusion runs in the Tesch family (since her mother is described as a “gifted” illustrator of books)

    “and Joey gets pulled underwater and somebody steals his personality and his body and his body changes into a water creature with scales [???]. It’s horrible.”

    Well since people are bringing up Joey’s mermaid girlfriend/stalker, I am guessing she is the one behind this. It may be Tesch’s complete ineptness to write sympathetic characters or dialogue, but the mermaid came across as very possessive, demanding and controlling, and more then a bit sinister. I wouldn’t put it past her to drag him underwater and turn him into some scaly creature she can breed with. At least Princess Ruto let go of Link with grace and dignity, despite being engaged to him. Joey’s mermaid girlfriend is just batshit loco.

  44. Rorschach on 6 June 2011, 12:29 said:

    Yeah, my only complaint with these fine sporks is that Turkolova’s fantastically erratic artwork does not get included as often as it should (since some of the drawings are so awesomely bad, they deserve to be sporked as well.)

    That was a decision I made very early on in order to protect these sporkings under Fair Use of U.S. copyright law. It’s the same reason why I summarize a lot of what happens rather than do a line-by-line sporking, and I try to limit my direct quotations. If I scanned a lot of the artwork, the Tesches would have a pretty valid case that I’m infringing on their copyright.

    Also, as bad as the artwork tended to be in the first volume, it’s improved a great deal for the second. The artwork tends to be pretty good or just really boring in this one, with a few exceptions (and those are the ones I spork).

  45. Prince O' Tea on 6 June 2011, 14:54 said:

    I can understand that, and don’t get me wrong, I love your sporks, but sometimes I would like to see more of the bad art in Seven Bridges. I am actually astonished that some of the drawings in here are by the same person (the oujia board drawing is actually rather nice). Tesch’s writing has actually gotten worse instead of improving or simply stagnating.

    Its kind of funny isn’t it though? They could get your sporks removed on copyright, but they are still stealing other people’s artwork off Deviantart, and actually selling them as posters, and claiming its Maradonia Official Art TM.

    The fact that they got reviews removed on basis of copyright just shows how shameless they are. And yet they still claim that the poster of a brunette elf girl with a pet dragon is “Maya” and they would like 20 dollars not including postage and packaging for it, please.

  46. Costanza on 6 June 2011, 15:28 said:

    By the way, it seems as if Alana Terrance! has been utterly forgotten at this point, without even a single scene showing ANYBODY reacting to her death.

    So um….what the flying fuck was the point of wasting a hundred pages just to have her die? Or better yet, why does her character even exist? I think since Maya is Tesch’s self insert, Alana must be some kind of bully that she had in public school who she is getting revenge on now.

    Any other explanations?

  47. LoneWolf on 6 June 2011, 15:58 said:

    The point of Alana was to show that being involved in a Gothic Movement and ‘Occult oujia boards’ never ends well. Remember, Gloria constantly tries to be moralistic.

  48. BettyCross on 6 June 2011, 18:11 said:

    All this bullsh*t is because Joey (being a total loon) brought the Key to the Underworld back to America with him, thereby provoking the Evil Empire to follow.

    If the Encouragers / Overcomers wanted to go home, they could have left the Key with King Genarius.

  49. Prince O' Tea on 6 June 2011, 18:34 said:

    No! The Sues get their Preciousesses, and they keep their Preciousesses. Who cares if various citizens of Oceanside are blinded by Cold Light Ray crossfire or murdered by underworld denizens?

    No, the Sues get their shiny new toys, and thats what is important. And they still sleep with their crowns, I’m sure.

    Oh btw Maradonia! The! Movie! has started filming. We may just be witnessing the birth of The Room for a whole new decade.

  50. Requiem on 6 June 2011, 22:02 said:

    @ Prince O’ Tea Tommy Wiseu is actually making a tv show or movie not really sure what it is called “ The Neighbors”.

    I think this Maradonia movie will bring about a new low to the lowest of the low films. It might make Troll 2 look like Shaw fucking shank redemption by comparison.

  51. Prince O' Tea on 9 June 2011, 06:58 said:

    They’re poisoning her! And then they’re gonna poison me!

    OH MY GODDDDDDD

  52. BettyCross on 10 June 2011, 19:23 said:

    Gloria Tesch’s “World’s Youngest Novelist” Facebook page has two polls up. One is “which is your favorite character in the Maradonia series?”

    King Apollyon is in the lead (4 votes), Maya is running second (3 votes), Joey has 2 votes, and Abaddon and AstroWhatever have one each. Come on, guys! The Evil Empire needs our help.

    In the other poll, we get to pick Maya’s Maradonian boyfriend. Do we like Henry or Rasmos? I don’t know who these turkeys are. The chapters they are in haven’t been sporked yet.

  53. Flarehawk on 10 June 2011, 20:25 said:

    Hoppy for president!

    Also, can we vote for Maya “befriending” a sword to the face? Pretty please?

  54. Prince O' Tea on 10 June 2011, 21:47 said:

    Sorry Betty, I will be voting for the true heroine of this dreck.

    Alanna! Terrence!

  55. Prince O' Tea on 10 June 2011, 21:54 said:

    Oh I know she did not just leave Alana out of the poll! Or Lindsay? Lindsay must be a MILF if she’s doing the Salsa Dance with latin dance instructors and working her way through a string of husbands. I doubt anyone would want to date Maya Snivelpants Sue. She’d probably say how she’s a princess and that it’s a great privilige to let a poor peasant whose working two jobs buy her an expensive dinner she can easily afford with Maradonia Jewels.

  56. BettyCross on 10 June 2011, 22:29 said:

    Alana and Lindsay are not in the poll. However, they found room on it for both of King Pollo’s boys, and for all three Evil Fairies.

    I have to say, the idea of evil fairies is one of Gloria’s best ideas.

  57. gervasium on 11 June 2011, 17:39 said:

    “Joey gets pulled underwater and somebody steals his personality and his body and his body changes into a water creature with scales “

    I know you’re all excited about this part and I kinda hate to ruin the fun, but this is probably what those words mean:

    “somebody steals his personality and his body” = metaphor for Joey falling in love with the mermaid and going with her.

    “his body changes into a water creature with scales” = Joey becomes a merman so he can stay with his fishy love. It’s most likely temporary too.

  58. Prince O' Tea on 11 June 2011, 19:37 said:

    I already said that, but I was hoping that horny mermaid would turn out to be axe crazy, and would drag Joey kicking and screaming underwater, to be mutated into some finned and scaled and tentacled abomination by evil mermaid magic! ;D

    Or in another scenario, we can hope Joey will be running away from her frantically, and screaming:
    “Why couldn’t she be the other kind of mermaid, with the fish part on top, and the lady part on the bottom?”

  59. gervasium on 12 June 2011, 08:32 said:

    You’re just being too optimistic. Nothing bad ever happens to Joey, bless his heroics. It will most likely be a wonderful underwater adventure.

  60. swenson on 13 June 2011, 16:40 said:

    Aww, my favorite character’s not in that poll. I want to vote for Bertha, the only character who seems to have any sense at all.

  61. Catflap on 6 June 2012, 22:55 said:

    “They have to get past some spider webs first, which includes a boring scene where Joey teases Maya about hating spiders…”

    1. Where are Ungoliant & Shelob when they’re needed ?
  62. “King Pergamon dies happy”

    1. Pergamon is mentioned in Revelation. GT seems to like Revelation – or the novelisation, in the Left Behind series (which are crappy as novels). So now we know whom to blame for GT’s literary sins.

    “Joey gets pulled underwater and somebody steals his personality and his body and his body changes into a water creature with scales [???].”

    1. A bit like Tom in “The Water Babies”

  63. DarrylWolf on 17 April 2013, 02:34 said:

    If they needed a Swing Word of Magic, I’d say “Benny Goodman” and “Louis Prima”. Every time, I hear that I think of 1930’s jazz.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=62ZSQUyU00s

  64. Evil Imperialist on 29 October 2013, 02:33 said:

    ““I give you my mantle of prophesy and my divine gift to contact the deity.” (page 151)

    I’m pretty sure you can’t just give divine gifts away.”

    At least in Christianity, you can – and see 2 Kings 2, where the mantle of Elijah the prophet falls to Elisha his successor. What would Tesch do w/o the Bible ?

    As the speaker is Oraculus – a very Significant Name – O.‘s words are justified.