Chapter Twelve – The Cujuanga Tree

Libertine has already returned from Maradonia with the leaves from the Cujuanga Trees, which must have set a record for the airspeed velocity of a laden dove. She gives them to Maya – I guess the window is still open – and tells her to chew the leaves until they’ve dissolved.

“Swallow everything! It will be as sweet as honey in your mouth but it will make your stomach bitter.” (page 94)

Which is yet another Biblical reference – Revelations 10:9. An angel gives John a scroll and tells him to eat it, saying it’ll be as sweet as honey in his mouth but will turn his stomach sour. I’m rather lost as to the symbolism that Tesch is going for, so I’ll assume it’s just a meaningless reference.

Tesch throws in a And so it was… and Maya eats them. They’re as sweet as honey in her mouth but then bitter in her stomach. Like we just established. The leaves work surprisingly well:

Some drops of brown saliva dropped out of Maya’s mouth but she recovered minutes later from all her pain, her injuries, and bruises. Only the three broken fingers of her left hand, still in the cast, did not heal (page 94).

These must be Magical Leaves, because real leaves, regardless of their healing powers, don’t work that fast. Yeah. That was the entire chapter. A whole two pages!

Chapter Thirteen – The Ouija Board

Warning: this chapter is awesome.

Alana Terrence comes home very depressed. Her mother, Lindsey, is there, and for no apparent reason launches into a dramatic speech. I don’t think any summary would do this speech justice, so here it is in full:

“Alana, oh my gosh! What’s wrong with you? You look so frightened to me… depressed and unhappy. I saw this yesterday too. Please, say something, sweetheart…Alana…I wanted to talk to you since yesterday but… as you know… I had no time… I had to leave…

I have this boyfriend, Alfonso. He is a dance instructor and I am out, nearly every night, with him… dancing in bars and restaurants because we love the salsa dance.

Look, Alana, over the day I work so hard in the beauty salon for both of us to bring money home to pay for our expenses. I bought you everything you ever asked me for, and I even paid with credit cards when I did not have the money and we are now in debt. In deep debt…I know… I abandoned you somehow because I never have enough time for you. Forgive me… But I am still your mother! Tell me what’s going on? But please, don’t tell me that you are pregnant? Are you in trouble again with the law or with this young man? I forgot his name… Alana…he is twenty-one years old and he is just too old for you.” (pages 96-97).

Whoa.

I love that Alana’s mother casually mentions “I Have This Boyfriend Alfonso” to her DAUGHTER, but then, as we’re about to find out, it appears Lindsey is a bit of a whore. And She Loves the Salsa Dance.

Alana, however, has a withering rebuttal:

“Mom, please! I know you are working hard for both of us but I also realize that I never had a real father because you are now three times divorced. I am aware that all men run away from you when they find out about your true character… because you are a gold digger. I know that you are horsing around with many different men at the same time and that you are never there when I need you. You dumped Alfonso several times but you are still together with him. I hate Alfonso! And…I hate you!” (pages 97-98)

Uh…horsing around?

Alana says she isn’t pregnant and she’s not in trouble with the law. Actually, Alana, I kind’ve think you are…remember when you beat the shit out of Maya and put her in the hospital? The cops aren’t onto you yet, but it’s only a matter of time until the eyewitness cracks.

Lindsey says she wants to help her, but Alana scoffs and says that Lindsey abandoned her. She tells her mother to look in the mirror and scrape off her layers of makeup, because she needs to realize that she’s almost fifty and guys with a lot of money are looking for slutty twenty-year-olds.

“And now… look at me! Take a good look! I don’t think you have ever really looked at me. Realize it… I am chubby and ugly. I am overweight. I have to lose at least fifty pounds. I am a bully in the school because you have bullied me all my life and neglected me…

All the nights…I was alone… when you were gone… dancing… and I was waiting for you… Nobody loves me, everybody hates me and now the Guardians of Maya are haunting and terrorizing me. You have no idea what I am going through.” (pages 98-99)

You know those scenes where characters suddenly have a stunning moment of self-realization about themselves? Yeah. They don’t actually happen in real life, because people like to delude themselves. Yes, occasionally someone might have what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity and understand a single problem that they have, but Tesch is expecting us to believe that Alana has suddenly come to terms with all the years of emotional neglect from her mother and realizes that it’s made her into an ugly, overweight Gothic bully and is able to calmly elucidate this to her mother’s face? Sorry. Not likely.

I should also point out that we have a picture of Alana Terrence from the first book, and she’s not fat.

See?

Lindsey starts crying. Alana ignores her and begins talking to herself about everything that happened to with the school being haunted and the invisible power that dragged her around. It lasts for an entire page, because when people talk to themselves, they don’t skip over the boring parts and focus on the most important thing that actually matters to them. Instead, they repeat the entire story, using complete sentences for the benefit of the forgetful readers and also to pad the book’s page count.

Alana concludes by realizing she has no idea what’s going on, but clearly there are mystical forces at work. So there’s only one possible solution: she needs to use the Ouija board her aunt gave her for her birthday.

So, I’ve never owned a Ouija board, but are there people out there who seriously believe that shit? I mean, I assume there are some whackos who do, because there are nut jobs who believe NASA faked the moon landings and the U.S. government brought down the World Trade Centers in a controlled demolition…but seriously, I’m pretty sure most people who actually play with Ouija boards don’t really believe the boards contain any kind of actual power.

Then again, I’m not an expert on the ‘psychic community’, so what do I know?

Alana says she invited her girlfriends Tanya and Dorothy over because they have important things to discuss.

“Of course my dear, I think it is a good idea when you have some girlfriends as company over tonight in our house, but why don’t you tell me what it is… that’s so important for you?”

“Please, Mom, it is girl’s stuff… okay.” (page 100)

I guess this means Lindsey is actually a man. But that’s the end of the scene. That’s it. After this huge dramatic confrontation that would in real life probably lead into a tearful shouting argument that goes on for hours, it just ends, and Alana gets over it.

Tanya and Dorothy show up. Alana has lit six candlesticks – I assume Tesch means candles – and they hold hands and conduct a séance. This is glossed over so I guess nothing actually happens.

Tanya and Dorothy gazed at Alana when she got up and rummaged around for some time in her closet and finally pulled from underneath several boxes an old wooden Ouija board, a device that is able to receive vibrations and real messages from beyond this world (page 101).

Keep in mind this isn’t a character’s opinion, this is the Omniscient Narrator telling us that this Ouija board works.

Little did they know that this night would be a night they would never forget because Alana, her two friends and her mother would experience a night of sheer terror (page 101).

Uh. Spoiler alert?

Alana asks the board who dragged her across the cafeteria. After awhile the board spells out the word ‘Guardian’. They ask the board who the guardian is, but instead the board spells out “Bye-bye”. This is confusing and they get mad, but then Alana asks the board if there is a spirit in the room, for some reason. The board says there are two. And then the shadows of Suttie and Cassie appear on the wall. They dramatically explain that they found the girls via the Ouija board and ask them where Maya and Joey are. Alana screams and says she doesn’t know where they are.

Gazing over her shoulder she yelled, “Tanya and Dorothy… look at the monkey statue on the shelf of my bed and remember my words!” (page 103)

Remember these guys?

Honestly, I’m pretty impressed. Alana is showing remarkable presence of mind by yelling at her friends to keep quiet while she is obviously terrified. Then again, Suttie and Cassie are right there and can hear everything she’s saying, so that comment might have tipped them off that Alana is lying.

The two shadows vanish, leaving a stench of burnt rubber and sulfur, and the girls sigh in relief and open a window to let the smell out. Then Suttie and Cassie reappear and tell them to stop lying. The girls say nothing. Suttie and Cassie gaze deep into their souls.

It was a spooky moment (page 104).

They run, because the stench is unbearable, even effecting Lindsey, who is downstairs watching TV. The girls reach her and then the entire house starts shaking. The plasma TV falls of the wall, an antique mirror shatters, the refrigerator starts hovering, dishes go flying through the house, it’s bedlam. And it doesn’t stop:

A bottle, filled with expensive white wine, flew straight through the room and crashed on Lindsey’s forehead (page 106)

Holy shit!

Knives and forks from the kitchen shelves darted like arrows or mini torpedoes toward Alana and Dorothy and sliced open Alana’s right arm and grinded away parts of Dorothy’s scalp (page 106).

Seriously, holy shit! Remember that adorable little girl from your promotional trailer, Tesch?

She probably didn’t read this book, but if she did it gave her nightmares for weeks.

Alana starts to lose it. Her mother is unconscious on the floor, her girlfriends are dripping blood, the world starts spinning, and then she hears the voices of Suttie and Cassie explaining that Alana is one of them and that she shouldn’t’ve lied to them. Alana snaps, starts sobbing hysterically, pulling her own hair, and finally runs out the door screaming hoping to find relief and peace in her soul. Yes, that’s exactly what the book says.

Tanya and Dorothy chase her own and realize that Alana has run out into the road and there are headlights approaching. They scream at her.

Alana lifted her arms once more and screamed, “I have reached the end of my road. There is no return for me!”

Tanya and Dorothy heard the shrieking brakes of a car and then a dull thud.

BOOM.

They ran to the scene of the accident but when they looked at the motionless body of their girlfriend, they realized that their slumber party and the Ouija board séance had come to a tragic end without any return for Alana (pages 107-108).

I don’t think ‘boom’ is an appropriate sound effect for a car hitting a person.

Anyway. That’s the end of Alana Terrence.

Drinks: 31

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Comment

  1. ZeeZee on 22 May 2011, 18:55 said:

    Wow. And this is meant for little kids?

  2. Costanza on 22 May 2011, 19:21 said:

    lol @ salsa dance

    lol @ characters saying exactly what they feel

    lol @ horsing around

    lol @ spooky moment

    Just lol in general.

  3. BettyCross on 22 May 2011, 19:41 said:

    Alana may be one of the many teenage girls who believes she’s fat when she isn’t.

    Alana’s end reminds me of a bad soap opera. However, I understand her dysfunctional behavior. She hasn’t had a stable home life, what with three divorces and her mother going out with several different men to do The Salsa Dance.

    The more I read, the more it amazes me that her parents thought this drivel should be published and marketed. Sometimes I think Mom and Pop are more deluded than their precious little Gloria.

    @Costanza, I don’t know whether to laugh or just shake my head.

  4. Danielle on 22 May 2011, 19:51 said:

    Wow. You were right. That chapter WAS awesome.

    I don’t think ‘boom’ is an appropriate sound effect for a car hitting a person.

    It is if she had a bunch of explosives in her pocket.

    Echoing what someone said in the comments for the last spork, I think Tesch might have a future writing horror. If she learns to write properly, that is.

  5. Prince o' Tea on 22 May 2011, 20:01 said:

    I love the salsa dance! But what about poison?

    This is probably the worst thing Gloria has written so far, and thats saying something. Its the absolute pinnacle (or opposite of pinnacle) of Gloria’s writing ability.

  6. Prince o' Tea on 22 May 2011, 20:11 said:

    Also I love how Lindsay doesn’t seem especially bothered about her fifteen year old daughter messing about with a twenty one year old. It seems to be on the level of “Oh, I wish you’d get a better haircut honey” or “sweetie, I want you to eat more vegetables, its not good for you to eat pizza all the time.” I guess she’s too busy Loving the Salsa Dance of the Genitals.

  7. Danielle on 22 May 2011, 20:18 said:

    I guess she’s too busy Loving the Salsa Dance of the Genitals.

    Brain bleach, please!

  8. BettyCross on 22 May 2011, 20:43 said:

    @Danielle, I was the one who said Gloria should become a horror writer. I still believe that.

    All that cutlery flying around and stabbing people in the head reminded me of a similar scene in Stephen King’s “Carrie,” and the movie made from it.

  9. swenson on 22 May 2011, 21:37 said:

    What.

    Seriously.

    Just.

    Happened.

    To be totally honest, I was starting to feel sympathetic for Alana in this chapter. If you overlook her assault on Maya and other criminal behavior, she sounds like any other teenage girl, with the typical self-esteem problems (especially the weight thing). And if what she says about her mother is true—that she’s always running off with different guys and so on—then you can kind of understand why Alana turned out so poorly.

    And then she dies brutally. Way to go, Gloria. You made me start to like your villain and then killed her. Wow.

    The salsa dance line was very good, though. What is up with that whole random aside about her mother’s boyfriend, though? There’s no reason I can see for her mother to even mention him, except as a very hamfisted way for Tesch to set things up for Alana’s rant about him.

  10. Costanza on 22 May 2011, 22:06 said:

    Alana’s backstory is so cookie cutter and generic that I can’t even fathom how Tesch wrote all that crap without knowing how contrived it is.

    The bully is only a bully because of a bad home life? Check. She’s actually insecure and only bullies to make herself feel good? Check. Her parent is never there for her? Check.

    Alana fulfills every bully cliche in the book. Also, why is she even a character in these damn books? She was in one scene in Seven Bridges to fill a very generic role. Why is she suddenly given all this attention? Especially considering all the characters in Maradonia haven’t even been mentioned yet.

    This book is as lame as they come. But anyone could tell you that.

  11. Danielle on 22 May 2011, 22:22 said:

    @ Betty, I agree. Totally.

    Why is she suddenly given all this attention? Especially considering all the characters in Maradonia haven’t even been mentioned yet.

    Because she has to be the Stereotypical Villain Who Shows the Futility of Evil.

    But you know what’d be cool? If, after she died, her spirit went to Maradonia. Since it’s the World Between the Worlds, it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to say it was the world between this world and the next—a bizarre Purgatory where you have to choose between Heaven and Hell. Maya and Joey, then, could be the ones chosen to encourage the souls stuck there to make the right choice. Hence the name The Encouragers.

    Must….stop….rambling….

  12. Ridureyu on 23 May 2011, 02:42 said:

    That’s Revelation. Book of Revelation, singular.

    AARGH MY PET PEEVE

    (anyway… so THAT’S how Alana Terrence dies. In just as anticlimactic and silly a way as everybody else! Well, at least she didn’t just fall on her face after seeing MR. EEEVIL)

  13. Curly on 23 May 2011, 03:05 said:

    ….

    grinded away parts of Dorothy’s scalp

    ………… Sweet dreams, kiddies.

    arrows or mini torpedoes

    Just make up your mind, arrows works fine, don’t get all uncertain on us in the middle of an INTENSE ACTION SCENE.

    I guess she’s too busy Loving the Salsa Dance of the Genitals

    Hahahahahahahaha, wait, WHAT?

  14. BettyCross on 23 May 2011, 03:09 said:

    That’s ground not grinded

    Still no editor.

  15. Cristina on 23 May 2011, 05:02 said:

    “horsing around”…. You know, Holden from Catcher in the Rye uses that one a lot. I don’t think anyone actually says that anymore.

    I don’t suppose Tesch has ever read Salinger, though.

  16. Prince o' Tea on 23 May 2011, 05:15 said:

    I’m wondering if Lindsay mentioning her boyfriend was some part of a ploy to make Alanna feel insecure and all “haha I have a boyfriend, and you need to chase after significantly older guys!” Or something. It comes out of nowhere (and considering most of Tesch’s dialogue is one non sequiter after another, delivered at the speed that would make Lorelai Gilmore envious, thats saying something. Speaking of Gilmore Girls, I hate that show.)

    I also love the “But I couldn’t… I had no time… I had to leave…” Yeah yeah. The Salsa Dance with another strange man couldn’t wait, could it?

    I’m guessing that because Alanna was mean to one half of the Suesome Twosome in the first book, then she must be punished. Anyone who dares not worship the sues, much less antagonize them must be humiliated, assaulted, tortured and finally killed. The Sues are not dark, but beautiful and terrible as the dawn, stronger then the foundations of the earth. All shall love them, and despair!

  17. Emanon on 23 May 2011, 05:45 said:

    Now for another album!

    Artist: The Libertine Sweet-Leaves
    Title: Boom Goes The Car
    Genre: Mexican Rock

    Tracks:

    1. Heal Me, Cujuanga Tree
    2. I Allude to the Bible (But Don’t Know What It Means)
    3. Salsa With Alfonso
    4. Gold-Digger Mom
    5. Fat and Chubby
    6. It’s Girl Stuff (And You’re Not Invited)
    7. Sheer Terror (The Death of Suspense)
    8. Guardian Bye-Bye
    9. Monkeys (duet with the lead singer of ACOE)
    10. The End of My Road (There Is No Return)
    11. Heal Me, Cujunanga Tree, Reprise (Can’t Heal Scalp Grinding)

  18. T on 23 May 2011, 08:16 said:

    You know, I actually spent some time looking up “Cujuanga”. It’s actually one of those words with zero Google Search matches that some people get so excited about.

    Although there is a place in Angola which used to be called Cujanga (now Camuanga).

    Prince O’Tea, that was brilliant. Lord and Lady of the Golden Wood, Maya and Joey are NOT.

  19. BettyCross on 23 May 2011, 08:37 said:

    @T, I also googled it (using Maps), and the closest thing I got was Cujong Road near Perth, Australia.

  20. Prince o' Tea on 23 May 2011, 09:48 said:

    Haha thanks T. First the Witches, now Lord of the Rings. I’m on a roll.

    I can imagine Galadriel saying: “An evil greater then Sauron has awakened in this land. They shall appear as two children wearing hoods of blue and pink, and they shall carry with them a talking grasshopper.”

  21. LoneWolf on 23 May 2011, 11:27 said:

    This chapter is very Jack Chick-ish. All that is missing is a graphic description of the fate of Alana in Hell. I actually find it interesting how the book will continue – will it go on in the same fundie style or return to random faffing about of “Seven Bridges”?

    Oh, and I liked that Alana played a large role in this book. She was my favourite character.

  22. Kilgore on 23 May 2011, 15:10 said:

    Rorshach, have you considered a Liver transplant?

  23. Prince o' Tea on 23 May 2011, 15:50 said:

    She’s a saint. Now if only someone would beat the living s**t out of Joey too.

  24. BettyCross on 24 May 2011, 07:56 said:

    Oh, and I liked that Alana played a large role in this book. She was my favourite character.

    Alana was supposed to be the villain, but she’s more likeable than the “good guys.” This is a sign of ineffective fiction writing.

  25. Prince o' Tea on 24 May 2011, 08:22 said:

    Its a bit like Legend of Rah and the Muggles. Zyn actually tries to help his brother when he’s in trouble. Rah makes absolutely no effort when his brother is suffering from severe depression (their grandmother figure actually says Zyn’s severe deppression is his own problem, and tells Rah not to lift a finger to help.) And it just keeps on going downhill from there… Zyn is the only somewhat likable character in the book. The “good guys” only care about themselves, and are extremely selfish, and woe betide anything that gets in the way of what they want (The “noble” mother character sends her children away on a raft, so she can have interrupted sexytime with the help, five minutes after her husband has died. The muggles will shun and revile anyone who bucks their happy lotus eater status quo.) Oh I can go on and on.

    Oh by the way, here is a picture of Renesmee from the upcoming Breaking Dawn movie. They’ve finally cast the adorable and not extremely unnerving little Mary Suelet.

    http://www.yousaytoo.com/gallery_image/pics/66/85/91/220366/original/remote_image_12797_0.jpg

  26. BettyCross on 24 May 2011, 08:30 said:

    Rah & Muggles is just too depressing for me to think about. The spectre of nuclear war casts such a long, tragic shadow over the rest of the story that anything that happens to Rah and Zyn seems insignificant.

  27. Prince o' Tea on 24 May 2011, 08:43 said:

    Nuclear war, heavy handed political discussion that will be incomprehensible to small children and plenty of carnage… all in the first chapter you say? And for children aged under ten! Sounds perfect! What could go wrong?

  28. LoneWolf on 24 May 2011, 14:06 said:

    Don’t worry about “Rah”, the chapter with the talking sea animals features some tastes like diabetes – critters to compensate.

  29. Ridureyu on 24 May 2011, 14:34 said:

    SO, let’s see now. Alana does not particularly like OUR HEROES. Therefore, she:

    1. Is a sociopathic potential murderer

    2. Has a horrible life and is unhappy

    3. Is fat

    4. Dabbles in TEH EVIL OCCULT

    5. Dies.

    You know, a sign of a good writer is recognizing that disliking your heroes does NOT automatically turn you into one of those… right?

  30. DictatorHat on 24 May 2011, 17:13 said:

    She is sympathetic though, more so than “Imma murdering these animals” Joey or “I can do everything yet do nothing” Maya.

    At least Maya hasn’t learned the salsa dance.

  31. Danielle on 24 May 2011, 18:57 said:

    Rorshach, have you considered a Liver transplant?

    He can’t! Rorshach’s liver is superhuman! Any other liver would have failed halfway through Chapter One of Seven Bridges!

  32. Requiem on 24 May 2011, 18:58 said:

    Who do you think writes worse, george lucas on the subject of love or gloria tesch on fiction and writing likable characters? When I say george lucas i’m specifically talking about the star wars prequels not the good trilogy.

  33. Prince O' Tea on 24 May 2011, 20:17 said:

    The stuttering sea cow was considerably less annoying then the creepy cult of bald harelipped mutants.

  34. Prince O' Tea on 24 May 2011, 20:17 said:

    The stuttering sea cow was considerably less annoying then the creepy cult of bald harelipped mutants.

  35. Costanza on 24 May 2011, 22:48 said:

    The dialouge between Anakin and Padme made me wonder if the prequel writers had ever had a real conversation in their lives.

  36. Danielle on 25 May 2011, 01:22 said:

    @ Costanza:

    Oh, do you see him hitting on the Queen
    Though he’s just nine and she’s fourteen
    I think he’s prob’ly gonna marry her someday…

    Gotta love Weird Al. :)

    And most of the dialogue in the prequels was atrocious. My friends and I watch them just to make fun of the dialogue. (My favorite: “But Anakin! Chancellor Palpatine is evil!” Anni should’ve said “Well, you could’ve told me that BEFORE I sold my soul to him!”)

  37. Danielle on 25 May 2011, 01:28 said:

    And while we’re on the topic of the Star Wars prequels…

    The Phantom Menace in 5 Seconds

    Attack of the Clones in 5 Seconds

    Revenge of the Sith in 5 Seconds

  38. Ridureyu on 25 May 2011, 03:09 said:

    I dunno, Costanza. I’ve met many awkward, immature, poorly-matched couples heading for disaster who sounded just as stilted and terrible as Anakin and Padme.

    So let’s just hope that they were meant to look like the worst match ever, right? I mean, they SEEMED like the kind of people who’d be headed for a trailer park divorce.

    Becuase if Lucas wanted them to look like a good couple… I don’t want to think about that. The implications are horrifying.

  39. VikingBoyBilly on 25 May 2011, 07:43 said:

    This could easily be the worst chapter Tesch has ever written. I’m completely serious. This is supposed to be for kids? And after the crazy seance and the hauntings by suttie and cassie, how does Alana die? She gets run over by some random car. For real? That has to be the most anti-climactic death ever.

    Since Maya is all healed up, are they finally going back to Maradonia?

  40. Prince O' Tea on 25 May 2011, 09:46 said:

    Well we know the Suesome Twosome don’t give a flying one about anyone but themselves, so they’‘d happily let Suttie and Cassie carry on killing the people of Oceanside. Even if the flying saucers were going Independance Day on the houses, I doubt they would spare a thought for their parents and little Benji. (We are talking about a boy who gave a teacher two heart attacks, and didn’t care in the slightest after all. Oh and they cheerfully left Maradonia to its war because they felt like having indoor plumbing and pizza again, or whatever reason they suddenly decided to go home).

    Probably they need to pack their sparkles, and go merrily on their Suey Way.

  41. LoneWolf on 25 May 2011, 10:35 said:

    You lack the ‘Mental Capabilities’ for understanding the young and talented Gloria Tesch’s masterpiece – “Maradonia and the Gold of Ophir”. Alana being killed by car is not a conscience – the car was ‘Supernaturally Guided’ by Suetonia and Cassandra. And the book is getting darker because Gloria wants her audience to grow with her. This chapter is moral and warns teenagers against involvement in ‘Gothic Movement’, that results in lack of morality and going into occult. With so many thoughts and images bombarding us, “Maradonia” remains a steadfast moral guide against the consumerism and occultism of modern world.

  42. Costanza on 25 May 2011, 14:42 said:

    Oh yeah, I forgot about Little Benji! And I guess Tesch has too.

    What a useless, pointless character.

  43. Prince O' Tea on 25 May 2011, 19:32 said:

    Like the entire cast really! To be fair I don’t think we can even count Little Benji as a character,since he was only mentioned once or twice, about halfway through Seven Bridges. Has he even been mentioned in Gold of Ophir. I would say Fluffy, the Teddy Bear that died for our sins counts more as a character. Speaking of which, has that teddy ever been mentioned again?

    Another character Tesch has forgotten about. Its a bit like the Darkness Beyond Time from Chrono Cross.

  44. Ridureyu on 26 May 2011, 05:20 said:

    No, it’s not. The Darkness Beyond Time actually made sense and was cool.

  45. Prince O' Tea on 26 May 2011, 07:55 said:

    Thats true. Instead we have the Darkness Beyond Sue, where all characters who are not Sues most rot for all eternity. Lady Ruichi and her infant, Phoenix and Hoppy, Little Benji, Big Bertha’s nameless sisters, Mr and Mrs….

    Hey do we even know Maya and Joey’s last names yet? If we do I can’t remember.

  46. BettyCross on 26 May 2011, 14:14 said:

    @Prince, I suspect their full names are Maya Gloria Tesch and Joseph Tesch. I could be wrong, of course.

  47. Costanza on 26 May 2011, 15:31 said:

    @BettyCross, you’re 100% right.

    And by the way, I really love how we’re 100 pages in and there’s not a single hint of a return to Maradonia. Tesch has absolutely no idea how to write even a generic piece of fantasy crap.

  48. Flarehawk on 26 May 2011, 17:49 said:

    And thus, the old “author does the wetwork so the heroes can walk away squeaky-clean” bullshit rears it’s ugly head. Also, very few characters that I can reliably say I like are left.

    RIP Alana Terrence, once-living proof of Tesch’s lack of talent.

  49. Prince O' Tea on 26 May 2011, 17:55 said:

    Well to be fair, how many pages is that, when you take away Gloria’s little tricks to bolster page count (huge font and so on).

    I thought the Suesome Twosome would be back in Maradonia by now (but we’re already a considerable way into the story, and we have no sign of returning). Also, when you take into account that Gold of Ophir has been split in two, (which probably means the titular Gold of Ophir has little relevance to the plot of this book now.) Mind you Seven Bridges didn’t really have much to do with Seven Bridges (since Maya and Joey never actually crossed any actual bridges, and the events that were described as the “Seven Bridges of Tests and Temptations” were pretty much random occurances that were retconned into being the titular Bridge tests. Not sure how falling in a slime pit counts as a test, really, or has anything to do with successfully crossing a bridge, metaphorical or otherwise.) Not that Gloria ever bothers to keep up with her own canon, but haven’t forty or eighty thousand years come to pass in Maradonia?

  50. LoneWolf on 27 May 2011, 03:59 said:

    You don’t understand the ‘Symbolism of Maradonia’.

  51. Prince O' Tea on 27 May 2011, 07:54 said:

    I am also a “Video Gamer.”

    Does Glo still have her Hater Blockers, I wonder?

  52. LoneWolf on 27 May 2011, 13:15 said:

    Probably, considering the lengths sociopaths on the Internet go to damage the reputation of this talented young author.

    Stanek rocks.

  53. Prince O' Tea on 27 May 2011, 15:21 said:

    We are not sociopaths. Merely jealous haters who have not been vanity published, and wish to mock the efforts of the Second Coming of Tolkein out of jealousy and hatery.

  54. BettyCross on 27 May 2011, 16:37 said:

    Is it just me, or does anyone else think that pic of Maya (where’s she’s trading blows with Alana) looks a lot like the pics we’ve seen of Gloria Tesch?

  55. LoneWolf on 29 May 2011, 03:57 said:

    This shouldn’t be of any surprise to you. In “Maradonia and the Seven Bridges” Maya becomes the ‘Princess of Maradonia’ and a very virtuous young lady, who fights the ‘Gothic Movement’ and the ‘Evil Empire’. Gloria Tesch is too a very virtuous young lady, who fights the modern ‘Evil Empire’ of consumerism and occultism by publishing her highly moral “Maradonia” books.

  56. Licht on 29 May 2011, 12:48 said:

    @ Wolfie: Wouldn’t that be us?

  57. WulfRitter on 31 May 2011, 01:01 said:

    Poor Alana. But think how much worse her fate would have been if her mother had been taking Tango lessons. The forbidden dance! Egads!

  58. Brontozaurus on 31 May 2011, 06:52 said:

    Yes, Alana’s mother’s out dancing. All night. Horizontally.

    Seriously, I thought this book was meant for kids up until this chapter.

  59. Alyssa on 5 October 2011, 06:19 said:

    You know those scenes where characters suddenly have a stunning moment of self-realization about themselves? Yeah. They don’t actually happen in real life, because people like to delude themselves.

    I disagree since it CAN happen in real life, only we don’t blurt it out loud like Alana Terrence does. It is true that people like to delude themselves since people don’t like admitting that they’re wrong.