Chapter Ten – The Midnight Dancers

Sutornia and Cassandra have warned the psychic leadership not to invite any guests, unbelievers, or critics of the psychic community to this special meeting, because they might die of a heart attack.

The meeting was for insiders of the psychic congregation only and the warning was so severe and creepy that it would send shivers up the spines of even the most potent psychic leaders (page 73).

Sounds terrifying. Actually, it sounds like a rumor that the psychic leaders would laugh off as a dramatic effect. Then again, I still find it stunning that there’s a huge, thriving psychic community in Oceanside. Whatever a psychic community is.

Sutornia and Cassandra, who am I hereby abbreviating to Suttie and Cassie, have explained what rituals they should perform to honor Plouton:

They should bring thirteen healthy pigs, just over the age of one year, three goats, twelve chickens and three roosters for the animal sacrifice, and sprinkle the blood of these animals over the whole congregation (page 73)

Holy shit!

The fresh blood of the pigs had to be sprinkled on every attendee of the meeting from the top of the head, then over the face, the hands, the body and down to the naked feet (page 73).

Seriously, holy shit! Setting aside the squick factor in a book aimed at young children, there hasn’t been any signs that the Powers of Evil believed in or used animal sacrifices at any point throughout the first book. Although they do believe in human sacrifice…

Tesch spends half a page explaining why the Panorama Ravine is the perfect place for such activities, because it’s so remote, and then we’re back to Plouton, who is hunting Maya and Joey. He isn’t able to find them because there are so many humans around and he needs the help of the psychic community. Which is strange because it seems like Plouton, Suttie, and Cassie are far more powerful than any of the psychics in Oceanside.

People arrive at the Ravine early to set up. They slaughter the goats, mount their heads on poles, and put the poles in a huge triangle around the ravine. I really hope this scene makes it into the second movie.

We go back to Joey, who puts on his Tarnkappe and follows Libertine to the ravine. They hide in a pine tree nearby with a good view of the proceedings.

Joey wondered and said, “I did not know that Oceanside had such a large group of psychics in the area.”

“Joey, they are everywhere in your world… in great numbers.” (page 76)

Spooky! And it’s also very clever of Tesch to not give a specific name to this so-called psychic community, so I can’t do two minutes of research and point out that they aren’t really that large.

Before long all the psychics are screaming and dancing and completely out of control. Suttie and Cassie have touched everyone on the forehead and sprinkled them with pig’s blood. Now their bodies have started changing:

Joey swallowed hard and his chin quivered when he observed from his position behind the pine tree, that the bodies of the dancers changed their appearance.

Their human bodies changed into the bodies of animals…pigs…the closer the midnight hour came. Joey held his breath (page 77).

Okay then….

The moon reaches its zenith and silence falls. And suddenly it’s just a herd of pigs staring at Plouton, who appears from nowhere. Yes. They changed everyone into pigs.

Joey looked at Libertine and said, “What a scary guy. He reminds me of one of the scarecrows we saw when we crossed the pumpkin fields.” (page 78)

That’s not a scary image, Tesch.

Plouton gets up and launches into a speech about how typically, the psychic community relies on Suttie and Cassie for help, but now they have a chance to return the favor. He explains that Maya and Joey have the Key to the Underworld. The pigs grunt in response. Plouton explains that he’s invited them all because one of them might be able to help him find them because they live in the city. That’s right. He’s not planning on using the collective psychic powers of everyone there to locate Maya and Joey. This entire thing was arranged just to see if one of them happened to know Maya and Joey personally.

And if that was the case, why the fuck did they bother with the whole blood and pigs ceremony? Wouldn’t it be easier, faster, and less noticeable to just call people on the phone and ask them?

But sure enough, one of the pigs is Alana Terrence’s aunt, who explains (because she can still talk in English…which Plouton understands) that there was a girl named Maya who attends Oceanside High School and was proclaiming herself a princess in the middle of the class. And we finally have an explanation for why Maya experienced her whole ‘episode‘.

Plouton is delighted. He exposits that they’ll visit Oceanside High School the next day and take care of them. Suttie and Cassie serve the pigs a Wasabani Drink which makes the pigs delirious and then they start floating. Seriously.

It was absolutely unheard of and an unusual spectacle to observe a whole herd of flying pigs in the air… (page 81)

No shit, Sherlock?

But just in case we didn’t get it, Tesch explains further:

The fact was that the congregation of psychics had changed into animals, and were now dancing in mid air around the fire place, but only inside the borders of the goat head triangle…like inside of a strong magnetic field (page 81).

I’m pretty sure magnetic fields don’t work that way. Still, this is a scene that makes me really hope it makes it into the movie.

Libertine tells Joey he should probably leave and pack stuff for Maradonia. Instead of going to school the next day, he needs to get the Tarnkappes and head for the hospital. Libertine will meet him there, but first she needs to fly back to Maradonia and get the Healing Leaves from the Trees of Healing that grow on the Jivin Hills.

Well. That was an…odd…chapter.

Chapter Eleven – Impersonators

Two beautiful women (Suttie and Cassie) show up at the school and explain to the principal, Dr. Schneider, that they’re here to investigate the ‘Maya case’. Dr. Schneider is so captivated by their beauty that he doesn’t bother to ask them for their credentials, or wonder why they refer to it as the ‘Maya Case’, and don’t know Maya’s last name, or which hospital Maya is at. Fortunately, he does know that Maya is in either the Oceanside Foundation or the Bethesda Hospital and she’s in room #333. He also explains that Joey is at school and is just around the corner in class….

They head to Joey’s classroom but he’s not there and pretty soon Schneider realizes that Joey is playing hooky. Suttie and Cassie are disappointed and ask Schneider for Maya and Joey’s last name, street address, and telephone number. Incredibly, even this doesn’t tip Schneider off as being the slightest bit odd. They also want to interview Alana Terrence. Schneider intercoms Alana to his office and starts pulling up Maya and Joey’s information.

When Alana arrives, Schneider explains that the two ladies are from the school board administration. Wait. Okay, that would explain why Schneider isn’t surprised by them knowing nothing about the ‘Maya case’, but he’s the principal of the school! You’d think he’d be able to recognize the school board administrators, considering he works with them!

I guess Tesch truly believes that a couple pairs of breasts can reduce a man to a stammering idiot, which may or may not be true, but I’m pretty sure it can’t do it to the extent here.

Alana says she has nothing to do with the ‘Maya Case’. Suttie explains that she heard from Alana’s aunt that Alana has a rivalry with Maya.

“No…that is not true! It is a big fat lie!” (page 87)

Alana, showing far greater presence of mind than Schneider, demands to see some credentials if this interrogation is going to continue. Schneider shuts things down, though, and says it was just a simple question. Alana gets sent back to her class.

Schneider finally pulls his head out of his ass and asks to see some ID. Things escalate quickly.

“We are not hostile Dr. Schneider, and at the moment we are still talking very friendly with you. We are asking nothing big from you…we just need the home address of Joey and Alana. And listen, if you don’t give us this information right now, you might never see your family again.” (page 89).

Unsurprisingly, the death threats fail to work. Schneider says they can either show some ID or get out of his office, and if they don’t, he’s calling the police.

Suttie and Cassie ask him if that’s his final decision. What is this, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? But Schneider says it is.

So Suttie and Cassie start floating around in midair.

When Cassandra hit with her head against the ceiling of the principal’s office she said, “The ceiling is not high enough for us. Let us remove our heads…this will give us more room to float freely.” (page 90)

Instead of…I dunno, floating lower? Wouldn’t that be easier?

I almost gave Tesch a pass on this one, because Suttie and Cassie are doing all this just to scare the shit out of Schneider…but they don’t need to invent a moronic reason for why they’re doing this. Just take your heads off, he’ll get the point.

The two beauties turned their heads three times to the left side, one time to the right and removed their heads from their bodies (page 90).

That’s right kids. Just turn your heads to the left three times and then once to the right. It’ll unlock and then you can take your head off!

This is my favorite picture of all time.

There’s actually a pretty well-written line here:

“Would you be so kind as to give us the home address of Joey and Alana or would you like to carry your own head in your hands?” (page 90)

That’s ‘addresses’, but even so, it’s a decent threat.

Schneider agrees, but before he can do so he has a heart attack, and falls over face-down on his desk, where his favorite metal pen, which is standing upright in its holder, squelches through his eye and into his brain.

I think this scene may have been inspired by The Dark Knight. Also, here is yet another scene I’d really like to see in the movie.

A secretary hears the thump and comes in and finds the body. Suttie and Cassie are gone. She screams and they call the cops. They promptly close the school for the day and send everyone home, but not before a rumor starts that the school is haunted by evil spirits [??].

Suttie and Cassie leave the school just before the cops show up and have a bit of conversation:

“The people here in this world are caught in a net of stupidity which they call materialism. They are even proud of this level.”

“Yes, these people are strange and many of them are absolutely hopeless. They die on us when we show them just a tiny little bit of energy from the Fifth Dimension.” (page 92)

I’m not going to try and argue that people aren’t stupid, because they are, but I have to disagree with Cassie. You took your heads off and threatened to rip his head off as well, which gave someone a heart attack, which he probably would have survived if it hadn’t been for his pen.

Oh well.

Drinks: 38

Tagged as: ,

Comment

  1. BettyCross on 13 May 2011, 19:00 said:

    The pic of the woman with the head in her hand is actually quite good. I think Ms. Turlukova’s art is improving. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for Gloria Tesch’s writing.

  2. Ridureyu on 13 May 2011, 19:00 said:

    So this is kind of like those old B-level horror movies that offered free burial services if you died of fright while watching.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Screaming_Skull

    Gee, I wonder if Plouton had thought to wire everybody’s seat to give them a little tingling sensation at key points.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7FQm30eQn7I

  3. WulfRitter on 13 May 2011, 19:27 said:

    OK. Let me get this straight. I am “BIG“ and “EVIL“ and I have the entire psychic community convene to be my minions and I turn my awaiting army of minions into what? Pigs? Seriously? Not something full of badassery or awesomeness. No, I now have a herd of talking pigs. Oh noes! Babe is going to show up and shout, “Baa ram ewe!” Egads! Run!

    Also, when I write my epic book for children, I am totally filling it with scenes of animal sacrifice. And objects squidging through eyes. In fact, why stop there? Let’s combine the two: animals being sacrificed with objects squidging through their eyes.

    Also, please stop with the 333 symbolism. I get it. 333 is the number for God just as 666 is the number for the devil. Just in case I didn’t get how uber-holy and uber-chosen Maya and Joey are. Right. Point made, Ms. Tesch.

  4. Ridureyu on 13 May 2011, 19:58 said:

    Well, it’s kind of obvious, really. She wants to STATE A MESSAGE and MAKE HER MARK on the world by TEACHING PEOPLE THE TRUTH how eeeeevil the “psychic community” is.

    And then Jack Chick turns to Gloria and says, “You’re too crazy even for me.”

  5. BettyCross on 13 May 2011, 20:04 said:

    Gloria really needs to start writing more than one draft of her books. This floating-pigs motif is just stupid.

  6. Costanza on 13 May 2011, 20:12 said:

    …………..What the hell is with all the gore and murder? This book is written for 4 to 8 year olds, so I find it ridiculous.

    And I still love how everybody talks like a 1st grader in this story.

  7. -Sentinel- on 13 May 2011, 21:56 said:

    And then Jack Chick turns to Gloria and says, “You’re too crazy even for me.”

    I don’t think anyone, even Gloria Tesch, can possibly be too crazy for Jack Chick.

    To be fair, Gloria Tesch rips off the Bible as if she has never read anything else, not as if she’s some sort of religious nutjob trying to spread the Gospel. I don’t remember any mentions of God or Jesus in Maradonia, at least.

    .

    What the hell is with all the gore and murder? This book is written for 4 to 8 year olds, so I find it ridiculous.

    I’m sure Gloria Tesch thinks she’s writing for an older public, possibly the preteen crowd. That’s the problem when you’re relatively old (by which I mean, about 12-13) but have no experience as a writer: you’re feeling ready to tackle mature themes in your novels, but your rudimentary writing comes across as something aimed at young children. I went through that phase, too. I think all aspiring writers do.

  8. autumnfey on 13 May 2011, 23:17 said:

    Was I the only one who thought Fantasia’s Night on Bald Mountain during the pig transformation scene?

  9. Licht on 13 May 2011, 23:55 said:

    “whole herd of flying pigs”

    Holy…! Ok. NOW I’m convinced she makes this up solely for us. She can’t possibly, seriously believe this is GOOD.

  10. Danielle on 14 May 2011, 00:40 said:

    Is it awful that I found this entire section hilarious? I mean, just picturing a herd of flying pigs, followed by two beautiful women floating around the principal’s office and taking their heads off made me laugh out loud.

    I would love to see that in the movie.

    Suttie: Our heads are getting in the way of us floating!
    Cassie: Let’s take them off!
    Suttie: Good idea.
    Suttie and Cassie take their heads off
    Principal: ….Just your heads? That’s all you wanted to take off?

  11. LucyWannabe on 14 May 2011, 02:18 said:

    @autumnfey

    It put me in mind of that scene from Willow, actually.

  12. Licht on 14 May 2011, 02:39 said:

    “The ceiling is not high enough for us. Let us remove our heads…this will give us more room to float freely.”

    Does anyone else think this would be awesome lyrics for some psychedelic pop song?

  13. Prince O' Tea on 14 May 2011, 06:59 said:

    Seriously…. I don’t even know where to begin on this chapter. Its like while her mother’s drawing ability improves, Gloria’s writing ability worsens dramatically.

    “There are many psychics in your world Joey, and in great numbers! They wear gloves to hide their clawed hands, wigs to hide their bald heads, and their spit is blue.”

    Also, does anyone else love how if the Suesome Twosome hadn’t suddenly decidedd: “Wait, screw this war against evil that we have turned around by simply being here, we feel like going home. Smell you later, Selinka!” None of this would have happened? All the misfortune that has befallen them and others is because they felt like getting out of dodge on a whim.

  14. BettyCross on 14 May 2011, 07:30 said:

    I’ve had a night’s sleep since I first read about the detachable heads. It didn’t give me nightmares, but to some younger readers it might.

    I suspect Gloria has some potential as a horror writer. She just needs to do a lot of reading of horror stories so she’ll know how to do it properly. And if she takes that route, she’ll need to change her pen name to something with neither Gloria nor Tesch in it.

  15. Deborah on 14 May 2011, 08:12 said:

    Yuck, yuck, yuck. That is all I can say.

    I guess Joey will never say ‘when pigs fly’ again!

  16. Prince O' Tea on 14 May 2011, 08:48 said:

    I would say the entire Maradonia saga is a horror story for aspiring writers. Or at the very least, a cautionary tale, the likes of which Edward Gorey, Hillaire Belloc and Henrich Hoffman could never have dreamt.

  17. vikingboybilly on 14 May 2011, 08:48 said:

    Has anybody noticed, in the drawing, she’s holding just her head in her hands and she has no neck? Where did her neck go?

  18. Prince O' Tea on 14 May 2011, 08:55 said:

    I was wondering that. I mean, what happens to all the squishy bits in the neck when they do that? Tracheas and esophuguses, spinal cords… shouldn’t they be hanging out? I don’t know…

    I mean shouldn’t there be a big gloopy hole where the head should join onto the neck? Or at least, a neck?

  19. Moggo on 14 May 2011, 12:46 said:

    I think I remember something about Circe, a godess/witch/sorceress who, in the Odyssey, turned a group of men into pigs. Ripping of Homero? Bad move, Tesh.

    Don’t think they flew, though.

  20. peppercake on 14 May 2011, 13:04 said:

    Prince O’ Tea, is this reference to The Witches: “There are many psychics in your world Joey, and in great numbers! They wear gloves to hide their clawed hands, wigs to hide their bald heads, and their spit is blue.”
    I loved that book (and was a little scared of it) when I was younger :p

  21. Ridureyu on 14 May 2011, 13:08 said:

    No, I think even Jack Chick would wanna back away from Tesch after a while.

  22. WulfRitter on 14 May 2011, 14:31 said:

    I don’t know. GTesch still has a ways to go to reach Jack Chick levels. Her writing is juvenile and silly, but I am not sure she intends to offend the entire world (perhaps just the literary world). On the other hand, by the time a person is done reading all of the Chick Tracts (or whatever they’re called), you realize that ol’ Jack thinks everybody in the world except him is going to be meeting up for a very long and very flame-ridden reunion.

  23. Deborah on 14 May 2011, 16:38 said:

    Why did they not call people to find out about Maya and Joey?

    Because this is a ‘Special Magic Ritual’

  24. DictatorHat on 14 May 2011, 17:57 said:

    I still don’t get the pigs thing.

    You have a shit ton of willing servants, all of whom have hitherto unrevealed powers. Do you:

    a) Have them use those powers to help you

    b) Turn them into pigs.

    If you picked b, you are qualified to be an antagonist in Teschland.

  25. Prince O' Tea on 14 May 2011, 18:46 said:

    Yes Peppercake, I am so glad you got that! “Vitches… of Oceanside! You are a disgrace! You are good for nothing vurms! I am looking outside the convention center and what am I not seeing? I am not seeing the smoking charred corpses of Maya and Joey, those reeeepellent little vurms? It is putting me off my dinner!!!”

    I don’t know, her attitude towards pagans, witches, goths, psychics and videogamers is very reminiscent of the sort of closed-minded, judgemental ignorance endorsed by people like Jack Chick. Its by no means exclusive to her though. At least she’s not slipping in propaganda that gay marriage will cause a flaming black hole to appear in the skies above Washington DC and consume the entire planet in a screaming vortex of flaming that is only a fraction of a second, yet is so agonizing it will feel like a thousand years…

    Or so Maggie Gallagher would have us believe.

  26. Asahel on 14 May 2011, 20:04 said:

    “We are not hostile Dr. Schneider, and at the moment we are still talking very friendly with you. We are asking nothing big from you…we just need the home address of Joey and Alana. And listen, if you don’t give us this information right now, you might never see your family again.”

    “We are not hostile” is followed quite shortly by tell us what we want to know or “you might never see your family again.”

    Poor attempt at humor, poor attempt at dialogue, or both? Discuss.

  27. Flarehawk on 14 May 2011, 21:13 said:

    “But sure enough, one of the pigs is Alana Terrence’s aunt, who explains (because she can still talk in English…which Plouton understands) that there was a girl named Maya who attends Oceanside High School and was proclaiming herself a princess in the middle of the class. And we finally have an explanation for why Maya experienced her whole ‘episode‘.”

    CONVENIENCE!

    Also:
    ““Would you be so kind as to give us the home address of Joey and Alana or would you like to carry your own head in your hands?””

    Would you kindly go get stepped on by a Big Daddy?

  28. Prince O' Tea on 14 May 2011, 21:14 said:

    Both. Gloria is gloriously inept at writing any form of dialogue. She’s incapable of it.

  29. WulfRitter on 15 May 2011, 01:40 said:

    … [O]r would you like to carry your own head in your hands?”

    Why yes, yes I would. If I’m going to have blood all over my hands, I’d like it to be my blood, thankee kindly. Sheesh! Last time I carried somebody else’s head, I just knew I was going to get some crazy-ass blood-borne illness.

  30. P. Dobear on 15 May 2011, 08:16 said:

    “Jivin Hills”? Okay, now that is DEFINITELY going in the soundtrack album!

    Also, where did you guys get the books? Don’t tell me you bought them!

    I’ll leave some more constructive comments later.

  31. swenson on 16 May 2011, 09:35 said:

    It all depends on whether you pronounce it “jih-vin” or “j-eye-vin”, I think.

    What an awesome chapter. That was just hilarious! When pigs fly indeed…

    Prince O’Tea, nicely done. I love that book too!

  32. Danielle on 16 May 2011, 22:30 said:

    So….I checked out some of those Jack Chick tracts.

    Is it bad that they made me giggle, roll my eyes, say “Oh, brother, people really BUY these?” and giggle again?

  33. Erin on 16 May 2011, 23:42 said:

    So… why did they get turned into pigs? They could have had the exact same meeting with everyone in human form.

    Did she just want flying pigs that badly?

  34. Flarehawk on 18 May 2011, 06:49 said:

    Don’t try to apply logic to this book. It doesn’t work.

    I suppose “when pigs fly” isn’t a good rebuttal anymore, though.

  35. BettyCross on 18 May 2011, 09:48 said:

    “At least she’s not slipping in propaganda that gay marriage will cause a flaming black hole to appear in the skies above Washington DC and consume the entire planet in a screaming vortex of flaming that is only a fraction of a second, yet is so agonizing it will feel like a thousand years… “
    That’s in the next chapter, I expect.

  36. BettyCross on 18 May 2011, 09:56 said:

    According to Tesch’s facebook page, auditions will be held this summer to complete the cast of the “movie.”

    However, the first scene to be filmed was on Monday, May 16.

  37. VikingBoyBilly on 18 May 2011, 14:43 said:

    The movie wasn’t cancelled? =0
    Oh joy! … but what about poison?

  38. Asahel on 18 May 2011, 17:04 said:

    She’d better hurry on that movie. Hasn’t she heard that the Rapture will be May 21st followed shortly by the End of the World on October 21st?

  39. Danielle on 18 May 2011, 20:38 said:

    May 21st? But….but…ACOE isn’t slated to release their next album until November 1st!

  40. Prince O' Tea on 18 May 2011, 20:56 said:

    Haha, I’m glad to see there are so many Roald Dahl fans on this page, the Witches is far and away one of my favorite books of all time, so its nice to see there are others who got the reference, like Swenson. :3

    Maybe Betty. Perhaps Alana is the chairwoman of Oceanside’s GayStraightAlliance, and collects donations to support families who have lost a young family member due to homophobic bullying? Or is a lesbian herself, at the very least? As Maggie Gallagher says, PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!! (except the gay ones. Those ones should just kill themselves.)

    They’ve actually started filming? I wonder if they will try and pretend its “comic satire” when its done, then go on to deny its existance, like the “book trailer.”

  41. Prince O' Tea on 19 May 2011, 09:44 said:

    I can’t wait to see the special effects that will be used to make Big Birtha, Hoppy, Oraculus and the talking unicorns. It will be even worse then the animation for Titanic: The Legend Goes On.

    Puppetry and CGI in the hands of Team Tesch? Yes please.

  42. Curly on 20 May 2011, 22:05 said:

    Yes Witches is da bestest!

    We are not hostile Dr. Schneider, and at the moment we are still talking very friendly with you. We are asking nothing big from you…we just need the home address of Joey and Alana.

    Am I the only person who gets reminded of Madam Lulu’s fake accent in Series of Unfortunate Events? Just chuck a couple of Pleases in there, you’ll be sweet. Which is a bit sad, because it’s meant to be the normal of the talking, please.

  43. Costanza on 20 May 2011, 23:56 said:

    Wait, this is Page 92?

    How the hell can Tesch write 92 pages of filler before the real plotline even begins? This is so awful.

    Or is it just her absurd margins, and the page number is closer to around 40 or 50?

  44. BettyCross on 21 May 2011, 03:16 said:

    Anybody can write 92 pages of filler before the real plotline even begins. Full disclosure: I’ve done it, alas! It helps if you’re an inexperienced writer.

  45. Costanza on 21 May 2011, 10:31 said:

    I see. I guess the difference is that to Tesch, filler is utter genius as long as long as it contains evil psychics, a ‘herd’ of floating pigs, racist and cliched black bullies, a crapload of gore and people not acting realistically.

    Seriously, I think Gold of Ophir was way worse than the last book. At least in the Seven bridges, by now they had met Hoppy and were actually moving forward in Maradonia. This book is just supremely boring.

  46. LoneWolf on 21 May 2011, 13:44 said:

    I think that “Maradonia” is becoming more philosophical and more dark as it goes on, because Gloria Tech is a very talented young author. She wants her audience to grow with her books. Thus, while “Seven Bridges” was very whimsical, “Ophir” contains deep philosophical musings on the evils of modern spiritualism and consumerism and dark scenes, like the death of the principal.

    Oh, and “Ophir” is better, because it doesn’t use ‘quotations’ every other ‘word’.

  47. Prince o' Tea on 21 May 2011, 15:34 said:

    I perefer Seven Bridges, because at least the extremely nonsensical and contrived plot had the excuse of happening in Narnialand.

  48. Flarehawk on 21 May 2011, 20:37 said:

    At least funnier shit happens in Ophir. Tesch is still doling out the crap straight from the cow, but at least she put the cow in a clown costume this time. It’s still shit, and LSD-infused shit at that, but it’s better than Seven Bridges by a mile.

    @Prince O’ Tea Oh gods, don’t get me started on animated titanic movies. I’m still recovering from the first one I saw way back when—
    CRASH

    oh noooo

    RUN! IT’S THE RAPPING DOG!

  49. Prince o' Tea on 21 May 2011, 21:00 said:

    ITS PARTY TIME! PARTY TIME! EVERYONE’S FEELING FINE BECAUSE ITS PARTY TIME!

  50. Requiem on 22 May 2011, 18:04 said:

    I wonder if Nostalgia Critic will review the maradonia movie when it comes out. I think those two were made for each other to be reviewed by a great critic who reviews the utter worst of the worst.

  51. BettyCross on 22 May 2011, 18:33 said:

    @Requiem, I don’t know if Doug Walker would survive reviewing “Maradonia etc.” He barely made it through “Batman and Robin.” Nostalgia Chick (Lindsay Ellis) might cope with it better, since she effectively uses humor to cope with bad films. (She’s less of a drama queen, ironically, than he is.)

  52. Catflap on 5 June 2012, 23:20 said:

    “I think I remember something about Circe, a godess/witch/sorceress who, in the Odyssey, turned a group of men into pigs. Ripping of Homero? Bad move, Tesh.

    Don’t think they flew, though.”

    Homer specifically states that when Circe turned then back into men, they were younger and more handsome than than before they were changed. Not that that it did them any good.

    Not quite what happens in GT-land….

  53. DarrylWolf on 17 April 2013, 01:56 said:

    Oh, I can’t wait to go to the Jivin’ Hills. Is that where all the characters start speaking in Ebonics- because that would be the shizznit, homedawg.

  54. Savannah Brown on 7 May 2013, 15:27 said:

    I hate the Maradonia books so much I almost like them. I just love seeing what happens next and what shitty writing Tesch will come up with. Of course, Rorschach’s sporking helps too…
    This sporking is probably better than some books I’ve read. I’ve printed them all out and read them before bed.

  55. Evil Imperialist on 29 October 2013, 01:05 said:

    “Panorama Ravine”

    There was a news programme – now, alas, defunct – on British TV called “Panorama”. I can only assume that evil newsmen are cast into the ravine, much as the Dark Elf Eol was cast into a ravine in the Silmarillion.

    Why doesn’t Apollyon call it the “Ravine of Evil”, or something ? Is there a track at the foot of the Ravine leading to Britain ? Now that would make sense. For all the sense it makes, Glo might as well have named the place the Kentucky Fried Chicken Ravine, or the Ravine of Tebow, or the Rocks of Eragon, or the Ravine of Darth, or (if she wanted to be Biblical) the Abomination Ravine.

  56. Evil Imperialist on 29 October 2013, 01:11 said:

    “Panorama Ravine”

    There was a news programme – now, alas, defunct – on British TV called “Panorama”. I can only assume that evil newsmen are cast into the ravine, much as the Dark Elf Eol was cast into a ravine in the Silmarillion.

    Why doesn’t Apollyon call it the “Ravine of Evil”, or something ? Is there a track at the foot of the Ravine leading to Britain ? Now that would make sense. For all the sense it makes, Glo might as well have named the place the Kentucky Fried Chicken Ravine, or the Ravine of Tebow, or the Rocks of Eragon, or the Ravine of Darth, or (if she wanted to be Biblical) the Abomination Ravine.

    “Dr. Schneider is so captivated by their beauty that he doesn’t bother to ask them for their credentials,”

    IOW, Sluttie & Cassie are Veela from the Potterverse. That’s Snape, Fleur Delacour – who next ? Umbridge, perhaps ? Firenze ? Umbridge would hate the Teschverse.