Chapter Seven – Puzzle Pieces

Joey hasn’t slept well, so he gets up early. He’s been thinking back to that dreadful experience where he was almost barbecued. It’s a horrible memory and it makes him sit up bathed in sweat.

He doesn’t feel like eating breakfast. He heads out to school, puts his Tarnkappe on, and manages to slip onto the bus while invisible, which sounds pretty difficult. He stands in the back of the bus, invisible, listening to the conversation. In an amazing coincidence, he overhears Freddy (the kid who saw The Gothic Movement, which would be a great name for an emo band) telling one of his friends about how nervous he is going to school because of the bullies who might do something to him because he happened to see what they did to ‘that girl’. When his friend presses him for details, Freddy says he can’t talk about it. Well, of course he can’t. That’s why he just explained to everyone who was listening that he knows who beat the shit out of Maya.

Tesch explains that Freddy’s friend doesn’t realize what’s going on, which means he’s a fucking idiot. However, Joey realizes that Freddy must be talking about the people who beat up Maya. He immediately jumps to the conclusion that Alana Terrence must be one of the guilty members.

He starts thinking about and addressing Libertine in his mind, because Libertine told him not to let anger rule his intellect. Which is a good piece of advice, but this is Joey we’re talking about here.

“I hate to say it, Libertine, but even the word ‘revenge’ doesn’t sounds good enough to me…maybe the word ‘punishment’ is a better description…Libertine, I feel deep in my heart that punishment is a far better word than revenge and heavy punishment is even better.” (page 48).

Apparently Tesch has never looked up the definitions of these words because revenge and punishment are practically the same thing. The only real difference is that punishment sounds righteous, or justified – the more even, measured response – whereas revenge sounds like something you exact not because it’s what is deserved, but because you want to make someone suffer for what they’ve done, or possibly to make yourself feel better.

I find it amusing that Joey thinks punishment is the word he wants to use, considering he’s about to become a vigilante. If he really wanted to get Alana Terrence punished, he would have turned her in to the principal, or better yet, the police. Instead, he’s going to take matters into his own hands. Now, I’m not saying that Alana doesn’t deserve this, because she’s obviously a complete shit, but at the same time, I wouldn’t rely on Joey’s opinion for anything.

Joey sneaks around until he finds The Gothic Movement. Tanya is expositing to the others that they shouldn’t tell anyone what has happened. No shit, Sherlock. Alana Terrence agrees:

“We know Tanya! You must not teach us,” answered Alana, “we know what to say! But listen to me! Do you remember the statue of the three monkeys on my book shelves? One of the monkeys has his hands over his mouth… the other one covers his ears… and the third one his eyes. We have not heard, seen or said anything… Is that understood?” (page 49)

Apparently Gloria Tesch (and Alana Terrence) has this on her bookshelf:

I’ve mentioned this before, but it bears repeating. Tesch has an uncanny ability to write atrocious dialogue. Now, dialogue is hard to write, and a lot of authors struggle with it. Robert Stanek, for example, writes dialogue that’s awkward and stilted. Tesch does as well, but she’s even more fond of writing dialogue that’s just bizarre. Like this bit, after Dorothy asks Alana if Freddy will talk.

“What about him? Please, wake up, Dorothy, and understand, if I just look at this boy… he pees in his pants. Forget about him. I will take care of him when I see him at lunch. Believe me; he will be silent like a lamb in front of his butcher!” (page 49)

That metaphor isn’t really working for me.

This convinces Joey that Alana and her friends beat up Maya, so he heads off to class. I’m not really sure why. Since he’s invisible, he won’t get credit for being there, so he might as well just play hooky for the day.

The teacher gets up and starts talking about the UFOs that are hovering above Oceanside.

“It seems that we are visited by some celestial powers” (page 50).

I have no idea where the celestial powers idea came from or why this teacher thinks it belongs in a classroom. But fortunately, the teacher is interrupted:

At this moment the assistant principal of the school, accompanied by a bold gentleman with mustache and bushy eyebrows, and a female police officer who looked more like an actress in uniform than a cop, entered the room (page 50).

If you’re wondering if this fact will become significant later…no, it won’t.

The assistant principal introduces the cops, and explains they’re there to ask some questions. The detective, Charles Rosenberg, has puppy dog eyes. That is literally what the book says. He asks them if they know anything about what happened to Maya.

“It is a fact that somebody from this school attacked her on her way to the school bus.” (page 51)

No, it isn’t. Anyone could have walked onto school grounds and attacked Maya.

The female officer who apparently looks like an actress explains that the guilty parties might be charged with attempted murder and get long prison sentences. There’s a long silence. Tanya twitches a bit but Alana gives her a look. The detectives don’t notice. They’re pretty bad at their job.

Finally a kid named Jason gets up and says that he doesn’t think anyone knows what happens to Maya, but he does know that Maya had an argument with their math substitute. He explains that Maya had rambled about being a princess of either Macedonia or Maradonia and that the airships were looking for her. This makes the detectives wonder if the whole situation is connected to the UFO’s over Oceanside.

Chapter Eight – The Haunting

This picture amuses me.

Joey is pissed off. He sneaks out of the classroom to the restrooms and turns on all the faucets. Instead of the water going down the drains, this starts flooding the school. He then steals some paint from the art room and adds it to the water, which makes it look like blood. Apparently.

Eventually, the period ends and everyone spills out of their classrooms and many people are delighted. Interestingly, the fact that someone has flooded the school with paint and water doesn’t bother anyone or even interrupt classes. Everyone just moves on to their next class….including The Gothic Movement.

Alana heads back to her locker to grab one of the books she forgot. Meanwhile, Dorothy and Tanya suddenly realize that someone has written ‘There is a heavy price to pay’ all over their desks. That actually sounds like something that would be difficult to miss. It makes them scream like banshees.

Alana comes back and Joey decides it’s a good time to start fucking with them. So he starts making random things in the classroom move and chucking chairs through windows. Everyone panics and starts screaming in terror. Well done, Joey.

Joey writes ‘There is a heavy price to pay for what you did to Maya!’ on the chalkboard, which is an interesting choice of words. I’d go for ‘I’m here to get revenge for what you did to Maya’ or something along those lines.

The Gothic Movement think they’re being visited by aliens and freak out a bit. The teacher, meanwhile, has had a heart attack [!!!]. So, after all this, after their classroom turned into a set piece from The Frighteners… everyone just goes on to their next class.

The Gothic Movement meets at lunch and they’re all exhausted, so at least this has affected them a bit. Alana says there was something Evil in the classroom…but she has the answer! She has a Ouija board at home!!!

Yeah. A Ouija board.

Suddenly Alana falls to the ground. Turns out it’s Joey, invisible, who has grabbed Alana by her shoelaces [???] and drags her through the cafeteria, banging into tables and garbage cans which spills food and drinks all over Alana’s outfit. Alana screams for help but nobody helps her. Tanya and Dorothy are too afraid:

They were shivering, screaming and clutching each other and were on their way to the brink of a mental breakdown (page 60).

The rest of the kids are laughing at Alana, which is a totally understandable reaction. I mean, if UFO’s were hovering over my hometown, the school was mysteriously flooded, and then chairs started randomly flying through windows, and then a girl started being dragged around the school by mysterious unexplained forces, I would think that was hilarious. I wouldn’t even be remotely concerned for my own safety.

Joey whispers in Alana’s ear that he’s only getting started with her. Then he takes off, takes his Tarnkappe off, and waltzes back into the lunchroom and plays dumb. He watches with interest as the detectives come in, along with a camera crew from a local television station, and start investigating everything that has happened, including how the teacher’s desk and laptop both got stuck in the drywall. They really want to talk to the teacher, but….

It was not possible for them to interview him because he was already on his way to the emergency room of the medical center with a second heart attack (page 62).

Ignoring the fact that Tesch assumes her readers are too stupid to figure out what ‘emergency room’ means, let’s move on to the next page:

Joey, who had watched the development in the school with great satisfaction and interest (page 63).

Yeah. It doesn’t bother him at all that he gave a teacher a heart attack.

Chapter Nine – The Fourth Dimension

Joey and Libertine visit Maya in the hospital. It isn’t explained how a dove got inside the hospital. Maybe there wasn’t a screen on the window.

Joey explains that he figured out Alana, Dorothy, and Tanya were guilty, and he’s punished them. Well, technically he only punished Alana, and all he did to her was scare the shit out of her…

Libertine jumps in with an Ice Cream Koan.

‘Tough times never last…but tough people do!’” (page 65)

Speaking from personal experience, that’s bullshit. Tough times can last for years.

Libertine explains that Maya and Joey are very tough people, and they’ve been exposed to the supernatural.

“You have seen, touched, and even tasted the supernatural.” (page 65).

What?

No, seriously, what? They’ve tasted the supernatural? When, precisely, did that happen? When Justin tried to feed them poisoned mangos (which they didn’t eat)? When Felipe tried to poison Genarius (which didn’t work)? When they bathed in the pool of blood? Okay, maybe they were opening their mouths while in the pool of blood and that’s how they’ve tasted the supernatural. Although Tesch never said that they did.

Libertine explains that their world is the Third Dimension, but soon they’ll enter the Fourth Dimension, which most people on Earth have never experienced because they’re ‘consumers’. She adds that there are actually up to seven dimensions, but she doesn’t have the words to properly explain them. She tells Maya and Joey that they need to open their hearts and minds up to new things. They also need to visit her friend Dominatio, who lives on Villusio Island, and will show them the entrance to the Fifth Dimension.

Joey got a little nervous and said “C’mon, Libertine. Talk to us in a language which we understand.” (page 66)

You know, there are plenty of people who might not fully understand what she just said, but most of them wouldn’t openly announce their ignorance. I don’t think this makes Joey a smart or humble person, though. I think he’s just an idiot.

Joey doesn’t want to talk about dimensions because Maya is injured, but Libertine explains that they won’t be able to fulfill their assignments in Maradonia unless they properly understand the dimensions. Maya then pipes up and asks what a dimension is.

Libertine answered with a smile of an educator, “Maya, it is so good to hear your voice. Listen… a Dimension is a measurement of understanding and knowledge in one certain direction.” (page 67)

That’s one of the strangest definitions of dimension that I’ve ever heard. Tesch doesn’t let up. Libertine explains that the coordinates and dimensions determine a position of knowledge, whatever that is.

“One of the elements can create a complete personality or entity. It is difficult to understand, I know, but when you start thinking and living in the Fourth Dimension, it creates a hunger within you and your soul will start to cry for more knowledge as the Majestic Deer of Maradonia cries for the fresh water at the Mara Lake.” (page 68)

Um…okay then. That’s another line taken from the Bible – Psalms 42.1, to be exact – “As the deer pants for the water brook, so pants my soul for you, O God”. It’s ridiculously out of place here.

Also… The Majestic Deer of Maradonia? Sounds like a song title…

It turns out that Genarius’ enemies are getting stronger, including Felipe. Libertine says it’s a lot like things back when AstroJesus was fighting the Freedom Fighters, a reference which would make a lot more sense if we had any fucking idea what that meant.

Apparently, some assassins have killed seven city hall elders, and Senator Hilton and Judge Kingston have both narrowly escaped death.

Libertine paused again and continued, “Maybe you forgot that the time table in the Land of Maradonia is different. Time goes by much, much faster than in your world.” (page 69).

Right. So here it’s much, much faster. It’s obvious that Tesch was just going for a Narnia/Earth situation where the times don’t match up and there’s no discernible way to understand or track it. Being a poor writer, she’s not able to elucidate this, which led to the whole 1 day/1,000 years thing. At a guess, about a year has passed in Maradonia.

Libertine explains that Lady Ruchi popped out a couple twins named Nodin and Michael. Great names. Ruchi then died of Puerpural Fever. A short while later Nodin dies as well. Genarius is, of course, very depressed. He can’t trust anyone, and he needs Maya and Joey to show up and save the day.

Maya starts sobbing and Joey has to wipe away tears. I assume this is for the death of Ruchi, since they did know her for at least a week, and probably even had a conversation or two with her.

Joey nodded and said “I understand. When Maya feels a little better, we will be ready, willing, and able to help our king and our baby brother Prince Michael.” (page 70)

Uh….your baby brother? He’s not related to you. They weren’t adopted. They were made prince and princess, but at the time it seemed more like an honorary title. Even if it wasn’t, that doesn’t make Michael their brother. It makes him a threat to their crowns.

Libertine says she’ll bring Maya some healing balm leaves and then she and Joey take off. Joey stops by a mall and buys some bigger backpacks [?] clothing [?] flashlights and batteries (okay) a pink parka for Maya [???] and a gyrocompass [wtf]?

Okay. Fine, they need bigger backpacks. Flashlights, why not. But I’m pretty sure they already have clothes…you know, the ones their parents bought them? Also, a pink parka is a really dumb color to choose when you’re sneaking around and people want to kill you, although I guess Maya has a Tarnkappe. But….a gyrocompass? I’m not going to lie, it would probably be moderately useful, although probably not much more useful than a compass you can buy for $10. The kicker? Gyrocompasses are really, really expensive. The cheapest one I found on Amazon.com costs over $600.00, and elsewhere it seems like the cheapest available run a good $550. Not to mention that most malls aren’t going to have stores that sell gyrocompasses.

Whatever.

Drinks: 52

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Comment

  1. Violet Hill on 1 May 2011, 18:21 said:

    Wait . . . so what was the point of flooding the school with paint and water if it DIDN’T DO ANYTHING?!

  2. Danielle on 1 May 2011, 18:30 said:

    Time for another CD!

    Artist: ACOE
    Title: The Haunting
    Genre: Gothic Death Metal/ New Age/ Techno

    1. A Heavy Price to Pay (For This CD)
    2. The Gothic Movement
    3. The Majestic Deer of Maradonia
    4. Monkeys
    5. Celestial Powers
    6. Oujia Boards (Are Useless Against Joey)
    7. A Smile of an Educator
    8. This Piece of Crap
    9. An Illusion Show They Will Never Forget
    10. Prepare the Unicorns
    11. How Dare You Talk to Me
    12. Do You Wanna Kill Her
    13. The Fourth Dimension (It Creates a Hunger)
    14. Peurperal Fever (RIP Ruchi)

  3. BettyCross on 1 May 2011, 19:12 said:

    If there is a fourth spatial dimension, it is not a place, but a feature of the space-time continuum. You do not “go to” the 4th dimension. You go somewhere by moving along the 4th dimension. From our conventional 3-dimensional point of view, it would be like teleporting instantly from one place to another.

    Add relativistic physics to the long list of things Gloria doesn’t understand.

  4. Licht on 1 May 2011, 19:17 said:

    Don’t lambs usually, I don’t know, scream in front of a butcher? Silence of the Lambs, anyone? They’re silent as soon as they’re dead, but not before.

    Also, somehow I’m sure this is not what the artist of those monkeys wanted to say.

    _Just as there is disagreement about the origin of the phrase, there are differing explanations of the meaning of “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.”

    - In Japan the proverb is simply regarded as a Japanese Golden Rule.

    - Some simply take the proverb as a reminder not to be snoopy, nosy and gossipy.

    - Early associations of the three monkeys with the fearsome six-armed deity Vajrakilaya link the proverb to the teaching of Buddhism that if we do not hear, see or talk evil, we ourselves shall be spared all evil (refer Three Vajra). This may be considered similar to the English proverb “Speak of the Devil – and the devil appears.”

    - Others believe the message is that a person who is not exposed to evil (through sight or sound) will not reflect that evil in their own speech and actions.

    - Today “See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil” is commonly used to describe someone who doesn’t want to be involved in a situation, or someone willfully turning a blind eye to the immorality of an act in which they are involved. The Italian version, “Non vedo, non sento, non parlo” (I see nothing, I hear nothing, I say nothing), expresses the Omertà, a code of silence enforced by criminal organizations like the Mafia, ‘Ndrangheta, and Camorra.

    - In many interpretations it can be seen as a way to avoid spreading evil. Do not listen to evil things so they do not influence you. Do not read things that are evil or look upon evil things so they do not influence you, and lastly do not repeat verbally evil things so they cannot be spread about._
    Oh, well, thank you WIKI

    So, again it’s Gloria being close but not actually grasping all of the concept.

  5. BettyCross on 1 May 2011, 19:32 said:

    The screaming girl is probably Alanna Terrence, because of the Gothic Movement emblem — the pierced eyebrow — which is how they recognize each other.

    By the way, I actually think this is one of Ms. Terlukova’s better efforts at illustration.

  6. BettyCross on 1 May 2011, 20:43 said:

    Peurperal Fever, btw, is a somewhat obsolete medical term for one of several potentially life threatening infections that a woman can soon suffer after giving birth. It was more common before the introduction of modern medicine and hygiene.

    I felt sad for King Genarius and the deceased Lady Ruchi. Ruchi, incidentally, should have had the title Queen, since she was married to the King.

  7. Flarehawk on 1 May 2011, 21:38 said:

    “When they bathed in the pool of blood? Okay, maybe they were opening their mouths while in the pool of blood and that’s how they’ve tasted the supernatural. Although Tesch never said that they did.”

    …Killing someone who’s otherwise immune to your powers by giving them a fireball down the throat would be both hilarious and horrifying at the same time.
    Now that I think about it, mostly horrifying.

    See no stupid, hear no stupid, write no stupid—

    GAH
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH
    WHO WOULD DO THIS

    Excuse me while I go bleach my eyes…
    and my soul.

  8. Costanza on 1 May 2011, 21:39 said:

    Wow, the whole school segment was possibly the dumbest shit I have ever heard in my entire life.

    And how is it already on Page 70? Nothing has happened yet!

  9. swenson on 1 May 2011, 22:07 said:

    That frightening picture of the girl screaming is unfortunately pretty much the best piece of artwork these books have had so far.

    These early chapters don’t have all that much material for my List of the Best Maradonia Lines Evar, so hopefully they get back to Maradonia and deranged lines sometime soon. I did find a couple, though:
    “The Majestic Deer of Maradonia” (did that really need to be capitalized like that?)
    “It seems that we are visited by some celestial powers”

    Also, what’s up with her weird habit of listing three things at a time? In the last chapter, she had “nodded, grinned and giggled”, and in this one she has “shivering, screaming and clutching each other” and “ready, willing and able”.

  10. LoneWolf on 1 May 2011, 22:25 said:

    “Wait . . . so what was the point of flooding the school with paint and water if it DIDN’T DO ANYTHING?”

    Joey just likes to spread havoc, I assume.

  11. Kilgore on 1 May 2011, 22:29 said:

    So how was ACOE’s The Haunting? I’ve heard good things about it but I wanted to be sure before I spent any money on it.

  12. Ridureyu on 2 May 2011, 00:00 said:

    Skittles: Taste the Supernatural

  13. Erin on 2 May 2011, 00:30 said:

    but soon they’ll enter the Fourth Dimension, which most people on Earth have never experienced because they’re ‘consumers’.

    Wait.. what? I don’t think that word means what she thinks it means.

    And how does a dove smile? For that matter, how does an educator smile?

  14. LoneWolf on 2 May 2011, 00:38 said:

    No, it makes sense. Most people on earth are driven by the money-driven world of consumption and hedonism, and lack any spirituality. But Maya and Joey are very virtuous, spiritual people.

  15. Ridureyu on 2 May 2011, 00:58 said:

    Isn’t the fourth dimension just… Time?

    “And now, Maya and Joey, you will experience… THE RAVAGES OF TIME!”

  16. LoneWolf on 2 May 2011, 01:14 said:

    “Isn’t the fourth dimension just… Time?”

    Nope.

  17. Curly on 2 May 2011, 04:27 said:

    I think that Glo was trying to show how smart she was with her ‘dimensions’ and ‘M-theory’ and all that, except her explanation of what a dimension is made no bloody sense at all and apparently we are all ‘consumers’. Shut up Tesch, how dare thou presume to judge us! Seriously, though, Joey is a complete idiot. I love how he was all dark and ominous and wanting revenge, then: “Haha! I graffitied on your desk and dragged you by your shoelaces! That’ll teach you to beat my 12 year old sister half to death! My work here is done.” Ahhhhh, kids. So naive.

    a Dimension is a measurement of understanding and knowledge in one certain direction.

    Yes, Tesch, yes it is.

  18. Prince O' Tea on 2 May 2011, 05:25 said:

    “Libertine doesn’t have the words to explain it.”

    Neither does Gloria.

    I’m actually surprised at how good the half done screaming girl that Is Supposed to be Alanna But Looks Nothing Like the Earlier Picture of Her. Pretty much every drawing of Maya gives her a Jay Leno chin and a Blue Meanie smile.

    “We are all consumers.” You mean Joey who wanted to rush off and get jewels and Turkish delight from Arabella, so he could buy all the skating gear and video games he ever wanted? Or was drooling over the sight of a magical unicorn sleigh of more videogames and fashion gear? Yeah, not materialistic at all. I wonder if buying copies of the Maradonia Saga is somehow exempt from the “consumerism is evil” decree…

  19. BettyCross on 2 May 2011, 08:53 said:

    “Joey hasn’t slept well, so he gets up early. He’s been thinking back to that dreadful experience where he was almost barbecued. It’s a horrible memory and it makes him sit up bathed in sweat. “
    A symptom of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This actually makes a little bit of psychological sense. His rampage of vandalism at the school is easier to understand.

    OMG, I just complemented Gloria Tesch’s writing. Hopefully, for the last time.

  20. vikingboybilly on 2 May 2011, 19:16 said:

    My sonic recolor has something to say in defense of Gloria Tesch and her novels.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYAQ8S36gOQ

  21. Merli on 3 May 2011, 13:14 said:

    This book series is terrible, I don’t know how it ever made it to the shelves. But, it is rather amusing to read your spoofs on the series, I never knew there was a book series that could be so horrible but amusing at the same time!

  22. Prince O' Tea on 3 May 2011, 18:54 said:

    It hasn’t. Its self published, and is distributed from the Tesch’s garage. =D Everything else is exists only in Gloria’s Kingdom of Denial and Self Praise.

  23. Flarehawk on 3 May 2011, 19:20 said:

    Tesch’s site; one giant rolling trainwreck filled with fake people shilling the book like jesus decended from heaven and looked at it.

    Amazon.com; the public strikes back- one star reviews all over the goddamn place, with one five-star from someone on Tesch’s payroll.

    SURPRISED?

  24. Kiri Ame on 6 May 2011, 05:04 said:

    All right, all right… Where to start?

    Um… First of all… Hi, everyone! waves

    I’ve spent the last few days reading through this sporking… Well, this and the previous one, I guess… Most of that time has been spent barely holding back laughter. These books are hilariously awful.

    I really, REALLY wish that they had been written as a parody series by a competent writer. Some things, like the sociopathic characters and the complete lack of logic, would be really funny in the right hands, and Appolyon could actually be an interesting character if he was in another story, written by someone with a basic understanding of human emotions… Unfortunately, Tesch is an egotistical idiot, so that’s just a pipe dream.

  25. BettyCross on 6 May 2011, 10:24 said:

    The Maradonia books are self-published through iUniverse. It’s a print on demand outfit.

    Self-publishing isn’t an absolute guarantee of poor literary quality. The problem is, you don’t get to work with a professional editor to help you make a good book better. More than that, there’s no gatekeeper for quality at all. Hence, more self-published fiction is simply horrendous.

    My first novel was self-published. Eventually I found a small press publisher, double-dragon-ebooks.com, and put out a revised edition, professionally edited. I have since taken steps to remove my self-published first edition from Amazon and Barnes-and-Noble.

    So there’s no disgrace in being a self-published author. You just have to be your own editor. Gloria T didn’t have one, obviously.

  26. Prince O' Tea on 6 May 2011, 19:17 said:

    I try my best to be my own editor, as I constantly reread my stories/plays, and I send them to friends so I can get an idea of what the average reader will think, (if I send it to different people, I can figure out what is just a matter of personal taste, or if there are actual flaws. As in, what is simply “I don’t like this” or is an actual concern, like people being unsure how old the character is supposed to be, or they don’t understand the plot. So I can make steps to remedy that.)

    I don’t think there is any shame in self publishing, despite the antics of Gloria Tesch and Nancy Stouffer. I know some great works that were self published, and sometimes this led to them being picked up by actual publishers. But I would like an editor, simply for peace of mind.

  27. Costanza on 6 May 2011, 21:55 said:

    How is Tesch going to support herself after high/home school? She’s obviously too brilliant to get a normal job, so will she just live off of her parents until Maradonia makes it bigtime? (Which of course, will happen because it’s just too revolutionary and groundbreaking not to get published)

  28. Prince O' Tea on 6 May 2011, 22:51 said:

    EVIL EMPIRES AND THE GOTHIC MOVEMENT AND CHOSEN ONES WHO WILL DESTROY THE FIRST TWO.

    Its so original it shits cats made of gingerbread that make coffee with their eyes.

  29. Kiri Ame on 7 May 2011, 02:32 said:

    Well, if I remember correctly Jane Austen was self-published originally and most of her books are classics now. So not every self-published book is automatically bad. And plenty of terrible books have been published legitimately, too. The thing about self-publishing (to my knowledge, at least, although I am most definitely not an expert) is that it sort of automatically raises the question of why the author had to pay to get their book out there, rather than getting it picked up by another publishing company.

  30. Licht on 7 May 2011, 07:52 said:

    Self-publishing was much more common back then. And it had a better reputation because even self-publishing wasn’t something any dork and his mother could do. Let alone because of the money…

    But, yes, rumor has it there are good self-published books out there.

  31. DictatorHat on 9 May 2011, 20:37 said:

    Did anyone else notice on Tesch’s site that her books are all “sold out” except this one? I find that hilarious.

  32. BettyCross on 10 May 2011, 08:49 said:

    The Tesch’s will go back to iUniverse and get some print-on-demand to satisfy all your Maya and Joey needs.

  33. WulfRitter on 12 May 2011, 02:49 said:

    Wow. Simply wow. Rorschach, you are winning all the internets for this undertaking. Such commendable bravery!

    Honestly, I am praying that English is not Tesch’s first language. I don’t care if it’s German, Russian, Spanish, Phoenician, Ecclesiastical Latin, Esperanto. Whatever. So long as it isn’t English. Nobody should demonstrate this poor of a grasp of their native language.

    If I force-fed my dog a bag of prunes and let him defecate with wild abandon upon the keyboard, the end result would be more intelligent.

  34. DictatorHat on 12 May 2011, 16:35 said:

    There’s gotta be some wacky Alternate Character Interpretation which Queen Maya, the Stalinesque dictator who rules over the land with an “iron fist” (does GTesch know what that implies) is producing this as a piece of propaganda against the good guys. Specifically, Apollyon and his club of “evil”, who do things like practice free speech and democracy, have water parks, encourage teamwork, and save the environment. The poor grammar comes because the unicorn slaves Maya is forcing to write this are trying to sabotage the project and the Wonder Siblings are too stupid to notice.

    Thoughts?

  35. Prince O' Tea on 12 May 2011, 18:56 said:

    Or with… Wild Abaddon?

  36. swenson on 12 May 2011, 22:40 said:

    As opposed to “wild abandon”? I’ll admit, I laughed. :D

  37. WulfRitter on 13 May 2011, 04:50 said:

    @Dictator Hat – If she does pull a twist like that, I am going to give her some serious props. Ah, if only. . . .

  38. Flarehawk on 18 May 2011, 19:08 said:

    Sadly, there’s a 99.9% chance she’s playing this straighter than a one-dimentional line.

    That would kick major ass, though.

    … How would unicorns write? THEY DON’T HAVE HANDS.

  39. BettyCross on 19 May 2011, 08:27 said:

    @Flarehawk — The unicorns write in the dirt with their horns. A human secretary comes along later and transcribes it.

  40. swenson on 19 May 2011, 10:37 said:

    @Betty – Nice.

  41. DarrylWolf on 17 April 2013, 01:46 said:

    “Talk to us in a language that we could understand.”

    She can’t when she’s being written by Gloria Tesch.

  42. Evil Imperialist on 29 October 2013, 00:35 said:

    “He starts thinking about and addressing Libertine in his mind, because Libertine told him not to let anger rule his intellect.”

    ~~ Libertine is a SNAPE Expy ???? That’s monstrous.

    “”…Believe me; he will be silent like a lamb in front of his butcher!” (page 49)”

    That metaphor isn’t really working for me.”

    ~~ GT is lifting from Isaiah 53, & turning gold to lead, as is her habit.

  43. HamsterZerg on 12 December 2013, 16:55 said:

    This book series is terrible, I don’t know how it ever made it to the shelves. But, it is rather amusing to read your spoofs on the series, I never knew there was a book series that could be so horrible but amusing at the same time!

    Some people will read anything.

  44. Lone Wolf on 15 December 2013, 20:01 said:

    This book didn’t exactly “made it to the shelves”. No bookstore chains ever stored it and it was self-published by the author’s parents.

  45. Random Guy on 18 March 2014, 20:57 said:

    It seems reasonable to assume that Joey tasted the supernatural when he was sucking face with that mermaid in the first book. :P