Chapter Eighty-Three – The Calm Before the Storm

Maya and Joey arrive at the farmhouse. Turns out the keepers have a present for Maya, even though they didn’t know she was coming.

He had an absolutely gorgeous, beige white dog on a leash. “This is Tootsie! She is a golden retriever.” (page 766)

Wonderful, another dog for Maya to accidentally poison. And Tootsie? What an absolutely idiotic name for a dog.

It’s also worth mentioning that there’s no such thing as being a beige white dog. They’re two different colors.

Maya is delighted, of course. So is Tootsie.

It seemed that Tootsie had a smile on her face when she wagged her tail.

“The instinct of this dog tells her that you are a dog lover,” Joey said (page 767).

First of all, dogs can’t smile. This is also irrelevant, Tesch. We get that dogs are happy when they wag their tails, so just tell us that. It accomplishes the exact same thing in half the space and has the added benefit of making your writing twice as good while making you NOT sound like an idiot.

Second…I can’t picture a fifteen-year-old saying that second sentence. Actually, I can’t picture anyone saying that sentence. It’s atrociously written, and it’s also completely irrelevant. It tells us nothing.

They go out to feed the unicorns some apples and nothing happens for a few pages. Eventually the dragons show up, bringing the news that – well, nothing is going on. Nothing continues to happen for a few more pages and the chapter ends.

Chapter Eighty-Four – Decisions in the Making

I think one of my major complaints about Gold of Ophir is that it is just so bland. Nothing really happens in it. There are a few WTF moments, but there aren’t many completely batshit insane moments, at least since the first few chapters. I’ve probably spent more time on this book than Gloria herself spent writing it, and I honestly can’t remember half of what happens. It’s just a blur. And that’s a pity, because as a sporker, it’s those moments of true insanity that we live for.

Fortunately, these next few chapters kinda makes up for the past 700 pages of general nonsense.

It’s time for the trial of all the rebels. There isn’t enough space in the actual judgment hall, so they have it outdoors in a square between barracks. All the prisoners are hauled in in chains, along with Ginger and the two nurses who attempted to kill Prince Michael.

Judge Kingston is presiding with a few other judges with Maya and Joey and the senators sitting nearby. A chap called Mr. Skinner is the prosecutor, and he calls Ginger, who has apparently turned state’s evidence, to the stand.

Ginger starts explaining that she’s actually a nice person and Candice (General Felipe’s wife) lured her in and then threatened her after things started getting dark. She also explains that it was obvious Felipe wanted to eliminate the royal family and use the gold of Ophir to buy votes in the Senate to work his way into the throne.

General Felipe yelled out, “How can you believe such a slut?” (page 776)

Judge Kingston orders Felipe to shut up and demands that Ginger give him specifics. Ginger explains that she paid assassins to try and kill Maya and Joey and the governor Fernando Dela Concho. She and Candice also rented out the lighthouse and turned the lights off on the days the fake gold ships were coming. You know, I find it difficult to believe you can just rent out a lighthouse that has such a critically important function.

Next, they call up the two survivors of the shipwreck, who explain that their ships sank and as they were heading to shore, a bunch of soldiers came out and murdered all of them. Judge Kingston is pleased with this:

“In the name of the Queen of Maradonia, we thank you for your clear and honest statement.” (page 781)

Uh. Precisely why do they just assume these two guys are being honest? I mean, they don’t have any physical evidence or corroborating witnesses for any of this. Shouldn’t these judges be listening to all the evidence before pronouncing certain people honest?

It gets worse:

“You will be reimbursed for your time and are free to go back to Arkadia. We have a letter for you… a letter of recommendation to deliver to the governor of the district of Arkadia, Fernando Dela Concho. The governor will certainly offer you a work place.” (page 782)

So let’s get this straight: These guys are testifying for the government…and the government is paying them for their time and giving them a letter of recommendation that will guarantee them successful jobs for the rest of their lives? And just announcing this at the trial?

I mean, we know that the accused are guilty as sin, but they aren’t even pretending this is a fair trial.

Skinner then hauls up the two nurses, who explain that their lives were threatened by people who worked for General Felipe if they didn’t kill Prince Michael and they had no choice. Kingston isn’t buying that, though:

“What about, maybe, telling King Genarius or at that time, Princess Maya about the threat?” the judge asked sarcastically, “Did this thought ever strike your mind?” (page 782)

I actually quite like this bit. There’s nothing better than a sarcastic judge calling people on their bullshit. Of course, it falls apart when Kingston sentences them both to fifteen years hard labor. I mean, these two tried to smother the baby prince! I think death is letting them off lightly. It would be something else if Tesch added that the average life expectancy at this labor camp was five years. Oh well.

And that is the end of the witnesses.

“The evidence is damning! The defense has no arguments and basically nothing to say!” (page 783)

Although to be fair, you really haven’t given them a chance to defend themselves and they don’t have counsel for their defense.

Finally they call up General Felipe and Skinner asks him if he did all of the things he was accused of. Felipe says that he is innocent, but all of the officers around him are guilty.

The followers of General Felipe were deeply disappointed by his speech, got angry and began vehemently to protest (page 785).

Yeah. That was the extent of General Felipe’s plan to defend himself. To try and shift the blame to his five officers. The five people in the world with intimate knowledge of all of his misdeeds and who are therefore most capable of fingering him.

General Felipe is a fucking idiot.

After order is restored, the judge bangs his gavel and says that it’s obvious they’re all guilty due to the overwhelming evidence that wasn’t presented in court and the accused had no way of knowing about or offering any defense for. And so the judges withdraw to decide on their fate.

The penalty for treason is either drowning or beheading. They decide that Felipe and his five officers will all be drowned, and the insurgents who were captured will all be beheaded. However, Maya and Joey haven’t been saying anything through all this and the judges ask them their opinion.

Queen Maya began to cry, holding Joey’s hands and uttered, “I have seen so much blood recently!” (page 787)

Yes. And you personally caused a lot of that bloodshed. How does that make you feel?

“I lost my pure and innocent mind during our journey through this country and the people even call me the Warrior Queen. Who will give me my harmless, innocent, and inoffensive mind back?” (page 787)

Superb question.

Maya goes off to meditate and then Libertine shows up to dispense some helpful advice. The dove explains, through a number of Christian metaphors, that Maya needs more of the Kingdom of Light in her heart so streams of living water flow from her soul and stuff. She advises Maya to offer all the bad guys the chance to repent from their wrongdoing. So Maya goes back in and says that she wants to talk to the prisoners before they announce judgment. The judges agree, so they go out. Maya gets up and asks the crowd of around 90 criminals if any of them want to repent. Let’s keep in mind that all of them are guilty of treason, the penalty of which is death. Not prison time. Death. In addition, they’ve already been pronounced guilty and now they’re just waiting to have their heads lopped off. And now the one person in the world who could possibly let them off the hook is asking them if anyone wants to repent from their crimes.

I don’t think I’m really off-target here in suspecting that between 95-100% of them would instantly fall to their knees and repent of their wrongdoing and beg for clemency. And…do they?

No.

A storm of laughter echoed through the open square and one of the prisoners yelled, “Look…The Child Queen of Maradonia shows some feelings!” (page 790)

Some other things are shouted, but then a 15-year old kid named Jumah comes out and says that he was tricked into fighting with them but realizes that he was wrong and that the insurgents are actually the bad guys. Maya thanks him and asks him to stand off to the side. Nobody else comes forward because apparently they all have a death wish.

Kingston gets up and says that Felipe and his five officers will be drowned, Ginger has to be a servant for the rest of her life, the nurses get the aforementioned 15 years of hard labor (because apparently attempting to murder the prince isn’t treason, while taking over a building because your superiors ordered you to is treason), Jumah is free but will be in the army, and everyone else will get their heads chopped off.

Solid plan, you dumbfucks.

Chapter Eighty-Five – The Last Wish

Barnabas, the leader of the insurgents, gets up and points out that it’s customary that prisoners sentenced to death get a last wish. Judge Kingston agrees but says it’s impossible to ask eighty different prisoners for a last wish. Uh…no, it’s not. It would take about half an hour or so, with a few people assigned to ask questions. I understand that it might be mildly inconvenient, but for Roach’s sake, either just turn them down or go with it. You’re going to be killing them, they might as well get a last meal.

Instead of calling Kingston on this bullshit, Barnabas agrees to ask for just one wish for everyone. Kingston agrees, but points out that he can’t ask for ridiculous shit like everyone not being executed. Also, he really has to ask Maya, since she’s the Queen and in charge of handing out last wishes.

Joey cautions Maya and says that granting a last wish is probably a bad idea, but Maya disagrees and tells Barnabas that he gets a last wish.

Barnabas bowed down and continued, “I wish that all my men stand in one straight line, one after the other, and that Queen Maya of Maradonia would come and personally behead me. If my headless body will still walk and passes one of my companions, this person shall be liberated and shall go free, wherever this person wants to go!”

Queen Maya did not like that wish, but because of the promise and the witnesses around, she was not able to change the status. She bit her lip and said, “So be it!” (page 797)

The stupidity pains me.

Okay. First off, Kingston just got through specifically stating they can’t use their last wish to try to get out of being executed. So Maya has an out for not honoring that utterly ridiculous wish. And she doesn’t. For…some reason.

Of course, the obvious implication is that since Maya agreed to the wish because she had to, if Barnabas had just wished for Maya to let everyone go, she would have been required too. So Barnabas is an idiot as well.

On other hand, maybe Tesch is trying to say that Barnabas found a way to craftily word his wish to get people out of their execution without saying what Judge Kingston said wasn’t allowed. So in that case, Barnabas is still a fucking idiot for not choosing a statement that would allow all of his men to get off.

For that matter, why the hell would Barnabas choose something as utterly ridiculous as hoping his corpse maintains a sense of direction and basic motor functions after getting his head chopped off?

Whatever.

The men line up. Maya grabs her sword and chops Barnabas’ head off because we all know how easy it is for 16-year-old girls to swing a broadsword and cleanly sever muscle and spinal column in a single blow. And, unsurprisingly, the corpse starts running, and makes it past nine people before falling over. Science!

One of the men who gets a free get out of losing your head card is Leon Felipe, General Felipe’s son. General Felipe yells to his son that he loves him and to please finish what he started, which seems like a pretty effective way of damning your son and making him a marked man for the rest of his life. The nine men are freed.

Maya thinks back to Libertine’s words:

‘Maya, I warn you… Have no mercy for the people who don’t repent or the Land of Maradonia, your land, will suffer one day again…tremendously.’ (page 800)

I’m guessing this decision is going to come back and bite them in the ass. Nice going, Maya.

Tesch throws in a ‘And so it was….’ and that is that. Felipe and his officers are loaded with chains, taken down to the dock, and shoved into the drink and drowned. Maya and Joey decide to leave because they really don’t want to watch 72 men have their heads chopped off in a row. I agree. It’s much easier to just order other people to carry out your dirty work.

A dragon shows up, bringing news that the Rawkens have attacked Tyronia and killed a few dragons. King Apollyon has also made a treaty with the Lord over all the pirate ships, so now he has a way of reaching Tyronia.

Joey asks Maya if she remembers the ruler of Karthago – Queen Dido. Apparently Karthago has a huge navy of 350 vessels and trained sailors who are called…. Marines! Holy shit, what a coincidence!

Maya asks Joey if he wants to accompany him to Karthago.

“Maya…You are very smart! You understood in a second that this visit could be in the interests of both our countries. To make a trip to Karthago and get a treaty with the Karthaginians is the answer!” (page 804).

No. Sending an ambassador to make a treaty while you deal with problems on the home front is the answer.

Maya is on board, of course, so Joey closes the book out with yet another ridiculous cliché:

“I don’t know about you, but I learned during this trial: FREEDOM IS NOT FREE!” (page 804)

And that’s it. The end. The climax of this book, right there.

What an utterly pointless book.

Drinks: 73

Tagged as: ,

Comment

  1. BlueMask on 10 November 2011, 01:55 said:

    MARINES?!
    Congratulations on making it through alive, if not unscathed. I suspect that Maya has nothing on you in the pure-innocent-unoffensive- brain loss stakes.
    So, when is the Law of Blood sporking going to be up?
    evil laugh

  2. LoneWolf on 10 November 2011, 02:21 said:

    To be fair, you can’t really have any compassion for all these insurgents Maya killed after they revealed themselves to be so stupid. Although you can blame Tesch for their stupidity. I prefer doing just that.

    And I like that Gloria has a Fantasy Counterpart Culture to Carthage.

  3. BettyCross on 10 November 2011, 09:00 said:

    Well, that’s finally over with. I have just one observation.

    The chapters that take place in S. California are more interesting to me, bizarre as they are, than the ones that take place in the magical land.

  4. LoneWolf on 10 November 2011, 09:57 said:

    Yeah, the Alana scenes rocked! Alana <3

    I actually didn’t understand that it is the end. I wonder will Oceanside feature in the next book at all? Will we see Tanya and Dorothy?

  5. BettyCross on 10 November 2011, 10:21 said:

    Marines are not an American invention. Many countries with navies had some men armed as soldiers in each ship to board and capture enemy ships. In the UK these were called The Royal Marines, and the US Navy took over the title.

    However, in some European countries, the word “Marine” means navy. In Germany the Navy was called Kriegsmarine. So if the sailors of Karthago are called “Marines,” then there’s another example of Gloria getting German and English mixed up.

  6. BettyCross on 10 November 2011, 10:29 said:

    And so it was …

    Rorschach put down “Maradonia and the Gold of Ophir” for the last time with a heavy sigh, amazed at his own persistence.

    I’m amazed too.

    I am started to think it’s Gloria’s parents idea that she doesn’t need to do rewrites. They probably give her a quota of 800 pages a year and hold her to it.

  7. FireShark on 10 November 2011, 12:28 said:

    My reaction to this horrible, horrible novel:

    FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

  8. BettyCross on 10 November 2011, 12:59 said:

    I just realized something. Unlike the first book, this one doesn’t end with Maya and Joe[y] returning to America. I don’t think we’ll be seeing Palm Harbor Oceanside for a while.

  9. Requiem on 10 November 2011, 13:01 said:

    This is the end? A trial scene with no mention of what the big bads may be planning, no suspense except for the thing on those rawkens killing off dragons. Oh well I guess you can’t expect much from these books except violence, bible metaphors, complete nonsense, and batshit insane logic from the main characters.

  10. VikingBoyBilly on 10 November 2011, 13:35 said:

    This is the ending? I was expecting it to get drawn out to chapter 90 like Seven Bridges, but it arbitrarily ends on chapter 85, just past the 800 page mark. It’s not even an ending. It’s just… wow. What a let down. Gloria knew she was going to write a third book and didn’t bother to give this one a self-contained resolution.

  11. swenson on 10 November 2011, 16:45 said:

    “I lost my pure and innocent mind during our journey through this country and the people even call me the Warrior Queen. Who will give me my harmless, innocent, and inoffensive mind back?”

    This proves it’s all just a troll, right? Right?? What a terrible line!

    I also like how Maya has the power to forgive people of their sins, essentially. Who needs the cleansing power of Jesus’ blood when you can just have Maya forgive you?

    And… that’s it? Seriously? That’s the end of the book.

    Wow.

  12. Ridureyu on 10 November 2011, 17:39 said:

    Dogs can sorta smile. The “smile” facial expression is actually part of a submissive gesture, which in and of itself most certainly is not smiling. However, when an enthusiastic owner rewardsw every “smile” with “AWWWW! MY BABY’S SMILING! HAVE A TREAT! HAVE A TREAT!” then the dog eventually associated the submissive gesture with getting treats, and thus being happy.

    But no, dogs don’t smile unless you train them to.

  13. FireShark on 10 November 2011, 17:41 said:

    I disagree. My dog does have a happy expression, which those who personify pets (like me) might call a smile. It doesn’t just include the face, though.

  14. Ridureyu on 10 November 2011, 18:15 said:

    So, a thought.

    The Rawkens clearly exist to prove that ALL SEX IS EVIL, EVEN WITHIN THE BONDS OF MARRIAGE AND WHEN IT PRODUCES CHILDREN. EEEEEVIL!

    I am reminded of Blackadder:

    “Wicked child! The word ‘Aunt’ implies family, and family implies sex!”

  15. Gante on 10 November 2011, 18:21 said:

    My parents have a Jack Russel terrier that greets them with what is obviously an attempt to imitate a human smile. The fangs make it look downright bizarre.

  16. Erin on 10 November 2011, 19:50 said:

    When I hear “Tootsie”, all I can picture is Dustin Hoffman in drag.
    And of course, the new pet is instantly forgotten after its introduction. Though perhaps that will give it a chance of surviving.

    As for the dog smile thing, my old dog used to wrinkle up his snout which ended up kinda looking like a smile. But it definitely wasn’t like a human smile

  17. VikingBoyBilly on 10 November 2011, 22:50 said:

    Tootsie makes me think of the infamous tootsie pop commercial with the naked kid and the owl.

  18. BettyCross on 11 November 2011, 09:02 said:

    The Rawkens clearly exist to prove that ALL SEX IS EVIL, EVEN WITHIN THE BONDS OF MARRIAGE AND WHEN IT PRODUCES CHILDREN. EEEEEVIL!

    Uh, no, they show how degenerate and evil Abaddon’s ravens are, that they would practice cross-species breeding.

  19. VikingBoyBilly on 11 November 2011, 11:36 said:

    Wrong again. The rawkens represent Gloria Tesch throwing in random things because she thinks it’s cool.

  20. DictatorHat on 11 November 2011, 16:14 said:

    Why do we assume anything in this series represents anything, at all? Is Tesch even capable of symbolism?

  21. Fireshark on 11 November 2011, 16:33 said:

    http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FauxSymbolism

  22. BettyCross on 11 November 2011, 18:52 said:

    Soon we’ll be enjoying the first chapter of “Law of Blood” together. Is everyone else as excited as I am? I can’t wait.

  23. Requiem on 11 November 2011, 19:04 said:

    Maradonia is the seinfeild of literature, it provides small episodes which give the illusion of purpose and in the end come out as pure absurdity and in the end it will be much ado about nothing. Maybe maradonia will end just the way it started.

  24. LoneWolf on 11 November 2011, 20:34 said:

    Yeah, Gloria thrives on false symbolism. That’s the main difference between Maradonia and the Eye of Argon – the latter is meant to be just a romp, while Maradonia constantly tries to be symbolic and moralistic.

  25. Leine on 11 November 2011, 22:45 said:

    That’s the thing with writing young – your ideas are so much cooler than what ends up on the page.

  26. Prince o' Tea on 12 November 2011, 06:41 said:

    Well Maya, your “harmless, innocent and inoffensive mind” ended when you started gleefully mass executing rebels without a trial. Methinks the Sue protesth too much. And no dearie, crying crocodile tears at actual trials is not making you look sympathetic.

    “Dido, Queen of Karthago”
    i c wot u did thar, Tesch.

    Freedom isn’t free
    It costs folks like you and me
    And if we don’t all chip in
    We’ll never pay that bill
    Freedom isn’t free
    No, there’s a hefty in’ fee.
    And if you don’t throw in your buck ‘o five
    Who will?

    Great, now I imagine Gloria shuffling around in puppet form going “GLORIA TESCH!”

  27. Kurt on 12 November 2011, 09:21 said:

    Inheritance is going to be bliss after this.

  28. Prince o' Tea on 12 November 2011, 11:02 said:

    Colon cancer going to be bliss after this.

  29. VikingBoyBilly on 13 November 2011, 18:55 said:

    The final gold of ophir album: (I really had to retroactively skim through these sporks because we haven’t had an album since Their Sheep Turned Green)

    1 – How can you believe such a slut?
    2 – This is Tootsie. (She is a golden retriever)
    3 – FREEDOM IS NOT FREE!
    4 – My harmless, innocent, and inoffensive mind.
    5 – No arguments and basically nothing to say!
    6 – I have seen so much blood recently!
    7 – If my headless body will still walk.
    8 – The Child Queen of Maradonia shows some feelings.
    9 – So be it!
    10 – We thank you for your clear and honest statement.
    11 – Did this thought ever strike your mind?
    12 – Flying Pit Bulls
    13 – The Goldie Cape
    14 – A couple of Five
    15 – The Rawken Rock (fast like hawks but big like ravens)
    16 – I almost feel the same way for you.
    17 – A tsunami of wisdom has hit my brain
    18 – A harsh and hungry place on its way to materialism.
    19 – This is madness!
    20 – The circumstances of my life teaches me.
    21 – Kayatonga roots
    22 – Half human half merman
    23 – Cluster of five scales
    24 – pretty devastated
    25 – Ha-ha-ha…
    26 – Cut with one slice
    27 – a blitz action.
    28 – a massive woman
    29 – enough of this drama.
    30 – a heavy attitude problem.
    31 – playing the blame game
    32 – The air sparkled around them.
    33 – The Sheirling Becher
    34 – Benji-mouse
    35 – A burning fire in their eyes (They were all black men)
    36 – The first man gets the oyster.

    The FINAL track in the Gold of Ophir cover album:
    37 – And So It Was…

  30. LoneWolf on 13 November 2011, 23:55 said:

    15.

    Fast like hawks but big like ravens
    Rawkens fly though midnight air.
    They fly quickly, their eyes shining,
    Everyone else – beware.

    Their big claws are sharp and scary,
    Their black feathers are like night.
    They are smart, the Rawken Army,
    Truly a terrific sight.

    Refrain:
    Ra-a-a-a-wkens rock!
    Ra-a-a-a-wkens rock!

    They’ll defeat and kill Queen Maya,
    Who is really smug and mean.
    She will not escape the fury
    Of the Rawken war machine.

    Then, they will defeat King Joseph,
    The fire-loving little devil.
    They are merciless to those
    Who oppose the ‘Team of Evil’.

    Refrain.

  31. Vikingboybilly on 14 November 2011, 09:23 said:

    Yay!

    http://gloriatesch.wordpress.com/2011/11/14/east-lake-showcase/

  32. BettyCross on 14 November 2011, 09:32 said:

    “This is Tootsie! She is a golden retriever.”

    Just like poor Phoenix in Book One. Now we know Gloria’s fave breed of dog. She needs to pay more attention to this one.

  33. BettyCross on 14 November 2011, 10:05 said:

    Fast like hawks but big like ravens
    bq. Rawkens fly though midnight air.
    bq. They fly quickly, their eyes shining,
    bq. Everyone else – beware.

    This is a metal song. Am I right?

    I’m starting to like the Rawkens. They might be Gloria’s best idea. But they’re bad guys. Oops!

  34. BettyCross on 14 November 2011, 11:17 said:

    http://gloriatesch.wordpress.com/2011/11/14/east-lake-showcase/

    The blog post is a hoot. Gloria describes the mayor as mayor of Tampa Bay. Pam Iorio is mayor of Tampa. Tampa Bay is a body of water, not a city.

  35. Kurt on 14 November 2011, 13:20 said:

    @BettyCross: Though Gloria does not allow her characters any defense in court, I will give her one. Tampa is located in the center of the Tampa Bay Area, so Gloria isn’t the first person to erroneously write of the “mayor of Tampa Bay”.

    But it gets even worse. If you look closely at the book Pam Iorio is holding in her picture with Gloria, it describes her as “former mayor of Tampa”. Some quick Googling reveals that the showcase was for 17 local authors, not “young authors”. Pam Iorio was there because she had just published her own book. And while Pam was the keynote speaker, there is no indication of Gloria speaking there. As usual, Gloria is writing misinformation to make herself sound more important.

  36. BettyCross on 14 November 2011, 14:24 said:

    @Kurt, thanks for the corrections. Ms. Iorio stepped down as mayor of Tampa earlier this year, so she’s “former” like you said.

  37. RandomX2 on 14 November 2011, 20:23 said:

    I didn’t keep up with the sporkings, but I decided to read this one arbitrarily; that was some good luck. On a random note, anyone else feel the story has a dream-like quality of being ridiculous and straight-forward at the same time?

    Epic climax was epic. You did good, Rorschach. You did good.

  38. LoneWolf on 15 November 2011, 00:04 said:

    The story does feel like a story spontaneously written by a child.

  39. Prince O' Tea on 15 November 2011, 00:29 said:

    That’s true Random. I imagine if the film gets made, it won’t just be bad, it will be so truly awful on every level it will feel surreal, like the Room.

  40. Prince O' Tea on 15 November 2011, 23:13 said:

    Bring on Law of Blood.
    Aka, the only book in the series with a good cover.

  41. Prince O' Tea on 15 November 2011, 23:17 said:

    Also: Totally writing fanfiction starring Alana Terrance who learns to master the legendary sword, Suebane, and together with the Goffick Movement, liberates the land of Maradonia from the despotic rule of Maya the Tyrant.

  42. Fireshark on 15 November 2011, 23:35 said:

    If I were to do a fanfic, I’d make it about Apollyon and his family life, as well as how he rules his empire. It might be a prequel, showing the circumstances in which he gained power.

    Wait, I just realized something. She always talks about her fans… WE ARE HER FANS.

  43. BettyCross on 15 November 2011, 23:37 said:

    @Prince, yes! Please write that. I wanted to know how Alanna would react if she found her way into Maradonia, but instead we got the Attack of the Flying Cutlery.

  44. Requiem on 15 November 2011, 23:40 said:

    There better be unicorns, corrupt mermaids, a draining of that bloody pond, a dismantling of astrojesus or having him actually enforce that law of not using magic, an undead army for the anti hero alana terrace, and maybe you could include hoppy, that flying eye eagle thing, and the one sibling of theirs that is never mentioned Benji.

  45. BlueMask on 16 November 2011, 00:39 said:

    faints from sheer awesomeness of idea
    WRITE IT.

  46. Kurt on 16 November 2011, 08:34 said:

    joins the chorus
    Do it Prince! Go Alana in Leather Pants!

    Maradonia fanfic already exists at fanfiction.net . Don’t worry, it’s not by “real” fans.

  47. BettyCross on 16 November 2011, 09:42 said:

    @Kurt, thanks for locating this. It’s much better. I note with pleasure that Joey is called Joe at least part of the time, which is one of my many peeves with the original. I maintain a teenage boy would insist on being addressed as Joe, while regarding Joey as childish.

  48. VikingBoyBilly on 16 November 2011, 11:53 said:

    Idunno I still liked being called Billy when I was a teen , but I didn’t care that much really.

  49. Fell Blade on 16 November 2011, 13:35 said:

    Kurt, thanks for sharing that. It was way more interesting and entertaining than the real book. Just shows what a little time and thought spent developing a story can do.

  50. Vikingboybilly on 16 November 2011, 17:55 said:

    what exactly are “real” maradonia fans?

  51. Fireshark on 16 November 2011, 18:12 said:

    Thanks for the fanfiction link. I looked recently but had no way to find anything in the Misc. category. They need a built-in search.

  52. BettyCross on 16 November 2011, 18:14 said:

    what exactly are “real” maradonia fans?

    People who think the books are any good. There can’t be many of those.

  53. Costanza on 18 November 2011, 17:35 said:

    WHAT? IT’S OVER? THAT’S IT?

    This is the worst story, in any medium, that I have ever been exposed to. I am fully confiedent that it so below the bottom of the barrel that it’s scraping into the Earth’s core.

    Oh, and after all these cheesy comments about the ‘evils of capitalism’, she ends the book with a war-mongering American quote? What a master of thematic nuances.

  54. BettyCross on 18 November 2011, 18:07 said:

    Costanza: This is the worst story, in any medium, that I have ever been exposed to.

    Oh, I don’t know. I’ve read 2 different sporkings of Rah and the Muggles, which might be worse. But “Ophir” is definitely a contender. It might even be worse than “Seven Bridges.”

  55. Requiem on 18 November 2011, 18:12 said:

    Rorsach when can we expect to see a sporking of “ the law of blood”?

  56. BettyCross on 18 November 2011, 18:33 said:

    Patience, Requiem. Dear Rorschach and his liver took a heavy beating during the “Ophir” sporkings. Give him a chance to rest a bit.

  57. Requiem on 18 November 2011, 19:26 said:

    Oh yeah, he can take all the time he wants. He deserves it after reading those books, I was just asking for a guess as to when we might expect to see a new spork.

  58. Rorschach on 18 November 2011, 19:30 said:

    Probably this weekend.

  59. Vikingboybilly on 18 November 2011, 20:34 said:

    @Betty you think Rah and the Muggles is as bad as this?

    When I read Rorscach’s sporks of it I thought it was a sad and heartfelt story, even if you have to suspend logic to believe it. I guess that’s Mother 3’s tragic twin brother rivalry in a post-apocalyptic world rubbing off my memory into the story, making it seem deeper than it actually is. Of course Mother 3 did it much better.

  60. Rorschach on 18 November 2011, 20:41 said:

    Rah and the Muggles is absolutely atrociously written. It’s certainly on par with Maradonia’s writing quality, and possibly worse.

  61. Vikingboybilly on 18 November 2011, 21:16 said:

    I guess I can’t tell because you relayed it to me instead of making me pick up the book myself.

  62. Prince O' Tea on 18 November 2011, 22:23 said:

    Rah and the Muggles is just atrocious on every level. A book that flip flops from long winded political rants to dystopian nightmare to harlequin romance to revoltingly sweet Teletubbies fare. I hate just about every character in this book, from the spiteful grandmother who insists that people with depression should not be helped in any way, to the slutty princess who is already thinking about screwing the butler five minutes to her “beloved” husband dies, to the hero who doesn’t do anything remotely heroic… and every last one of the repulsive harelipped little mutants.