Chapter Seventy-Eight – Flying Pit Bulls

That chapter title is one of the most awesome things I’ve ever seen. I’m not even being sarcastic. I would legitimately give Gloria Tesch kudos for that image, it’s brilliant.

As they head back to Selinka, the sky gets dark and one of the dragons is worried, because he’s not familiar with this new creature:

“These birds are fast like hawks but they look like big ravens.” (page 735)

What a stunning coincidence.

Joey, of course, overheard a briefing about these creatures which are called ‘Rawkens’. Yes, it turns out that the name of these creatures which was invented by his mortal enemy that Joey has no contact with has already passed between them. The dragon commander, however, calls them Flying Pit Bulls, because apparently there’s pit bulls in Maradonia. Then again, they do have golden retrievers here, so I’m not sure why that surprises me.

Tarakann looked skeptically at the Rawkens and said “A couple of five dragons can blow them away in mid air.” (page 736)

What, precisely, is a couple of five? Ten?

Dasha disagrees, and says that the Rawkens are at least ten times faster than the dragons, which I’m going to call bullshit on. The top flying speed is the peregrine falcon, which, according to some quick Googling, tops out at about 200 MPH. So dragons can’t fly faster than 20 MPH?

Speed aside, aren’t dragons covered in thick scales? And can’t they breathe fire? I’m not saying that the Rawkens couldn’t do some damage, especially if they outnumbered the dragons, but if you pit dragons against an unholy combination of hawk and raven, my money is on the dragons.

Then the chapter ends. What, you thought the sky growing dark was because they were getting surrounded by Rawkens and there was going to be a climactic aerial battle between dragons, ships, and flying pit bulls? Yeah, not gonna happen, at least not in this book. I guess the sun was just going down.

Chapter Seventy-Nine – King Joey and Princess Krimhilda

I hate it when Gloria tries to write romance.

Joey and Krimhilda – fuck it, I’m going to call her Krimmy. Joey and Krimmy go walking down the beach. They talk about their lives. Joey is very fond of Krimmy’s exotic Gorgonian accent.

She let her hair down and just at that moment the wind picked up her long golden hair, the Goldie Cape of the princess (739).

Wow.

Her hair has an actual title? Capitalized and italicized? And that title is Goldie Cape?

Words fail me.

Krimmy explains how all her life she was gorgeous but inside she was sad and lonely. Because even though men from all over would come and gaze at her because of how beautiful she was, they didn’t respect her as a person and only wanted her because she was a princess and was rich and hot. Well. Yeah. What precisely do you expect, that being gorgeous and rich was going to attract all the nice guys?

Tesch then starts laying on the romance:

“You have treated me like a real princess, full of respect and love. I have never felt for anyone as much as I do for you.”

Princess Krimhilda grabbed Joey’s hand while they still walked on the sandy beach. Both smiled exactly at the same moment.

“Whoa!” Joey said. “That’s great! I guess, I almost feel the same way for you.” (page 740)

That Joey. He’s quite the smooth talker. Although in Tesch’s defense, Joey’s response is perfectly believable. That’s precisely as eloquent as I expect he would be in that situation.

They talk all night, and laugh and cry together. I have to say, if you’re crying together on your first date, there’s probably something weird going on. Maybe that’s just me though.

Finally the sun starts coming up and they kiss. It’s very romantic. Then a couple maids come out and are horrified and order Krimmy back into the palace before anyone finds out that she was out cavorting with a man all night. Which is reasonable, except they’ve been out on the beach and haven’t even been trying to hide from everyone. The maids could have come out and broken things up whenever they wanted.

Joey watches Krimmy leave and realizes he misses her already.

Ugh.

Chapter Eighty – Queen Brunhilda & Balthazar

So, Brunhilda wants to get married to Balthazar. He’s a commoner and the leader of the army. We get a little backstory on him. His wife left him, and he became a depressed alcoholic. Well, there’s two things I have in common with him. Now if only I could grow an enormous pointy beard…

Tesch hints that Balthazar doesn’t really have a choice about marrying Brunhilda, and maybe doesn’t want to, but then the scene ends.

There’s a wedding. Then Brunhilda and Balthazar leave and head back to their quarters, presumably to fuck like elephants, leaving Joey and Krimmy talking. Eventually, Krimmy has to leave and head home, so they kiss each other goodbye.

King Joey sat down again, like a little boy who had just lost his favorite toy, as he watched Krimhilda leave the party (page 747).

That metaphor really isn’t working for me.

Although, knowing Joey, that metaphor might be frighteningly accurate.

Chapter Eighty-One – A New Alliance

Maya and Joey chat. Apparently things are getting worse. The Powers of Evil (who believe in Teamwork) are on the move and starting to cause problems, which is refreshing, since they’ve been missing in action for the past 650 pages or so.

Joey needs to return to Tyronia to ready his army against Apollyon’s forces. He thinks that Apollyon is trying to challenge them. This astonishes Maya, for reasons that are unclear, so Joey has to explain.

Joey nodded, “Since I have eaten the fruit of knowledge and wisdom, the present from Queen Aquamarisha, my thinking has tremendously changed. It seems that a Tsunami of Wisdom has hit my brain.” (page 751)

Wonderful. So now not only is Joey completely invincible, owning a magical Deus ex Machina hat and a cross between a lightsaber, flamethrower, and the One Ring, but now he’s just eaten a fruit that has supposedly made him a genius.

This is fucking ridiculous. He is the Garyest of all the Stus I have ever seen. And I say this having read Robert Stanek and Phillip “Big Dog” Jones.

Anyway. As you may or may not recall, apparently there’s a rule that was sent down by King Roach (essentially God) that they aren’t allowed to use supernatural weapons when they fight each other. This rule is ignored by Tesch whenever the plot needs it, but bear with me. Joey suspects Apollyon is going to send the Rawkens to attack and hope that Joey uses the Key to defend Tyronia. The Key is supernatural, which will then given the Empire of Evil the ability to bust out their own supernatural weapons. Because apparently if the good guys do it first, King Roach won’t interfere…or something? I have no idea, and all this makes no fucking sense anyway.

Maya suggests they go take a look into the Henrietta Mirror and see what it has to show them. Because it shows the future. Joey wonders why they haven’t looked in it before and how they could have not used such a valuable tool. That’s a great point, and it’s because devices that tell the future are fucking awful for stories.

For instance, I wonder why King Genarius didn’t just look in the mirror to see if his son was going to survive or not before he committed suicide.

Yeah. Plot hole.

Chapter Eighty-Two – The Henrietta Mirror

The scales on the back of Joey’s neck itches. He thinks about life:

“If my sister would not have intervened at the right time, at the right place with the right crew, I would be swimming right now with Morgana through the blue green waters of Lake Lagoon, as a merman.” (page 755)

Which is true, except that he had already figured out what Morgana was doing and had stopped eating the roots, so no, it’s not true.

The next day a bunch of griffins show up to take the Gorgonians home, and we get a dirty joke.

Balthazar had bruises over his whole head and a swollen eye, but it seemed that he was also pretty happy (page 756).

I bet he did.

As they leave, Joey feels the pain of separation for the first time in his life for anyone besides Maya or his family back in Oceanside. Dude. You’ve been through two 800-page novels now without more than a single mention of your family. Stop pretending that you care about them. It’s not working.

Nothing happens for awhile, and eventually they get out the mirror and get it working. It starts flashing lots of images on the surface, with islands, rocks, skies, Rawkens, laser beams, explosions, ships, elephants, a huge battle with corpses everywhere. After awhile, Joey pulls his hands off the mirror so the images stop and wonders if maybe seeing the future is really a good thing. Instead of really discussing the pros and cons, they just start rambling, which leads to Joey pulling this gem out of his ass:

“Is it not astonishing, Maya, that even here in Maradonia, a land between the lands, a space between spaces and a world between the worlds, we find a harsh and hungry place on its way to materialism?” (page 763)

What?

No, seriously, what? That is one of the most random and nonsensical things I have ever heard, and I’m 1,573 pages into this series.

Maya suggests that Maradonia and Tyronia sign a treaty so the countries will work together in case one is attacked. Joey is on board, but suggests they try and pull Gorgonia and Karthago into the treaty as well.

Drinks: 37

Tagged as: ,

Comment

  1. Taku on 4 November 2011, 04:36 said:

    apparently there’s pit bulls in Maradonia

    Of course. They probably ran into the Cave of Wonders on the Forbidden Beach of underwater ‘Currents’.

    pit dragons

    Crossbreeding WIN

    I’m going to call her Krimmy

    Well, considering who she’s talking to, it’s only appropriate. “Joseph” and Krimhilda I might be able to stomach, but not “Joey”.

    Ugh.

    I KNOW. At least Tesch is doing a good job at portraying the icky sappiness and awkwardness of teenaged flirting. The sad thing is, she’s holding this up as an ideal. Oh, the folly of youth.

    So, Brunhilda wants to get married to Balthazar

    I know I’m a 90s kid when the first thing I associate with “Balthazar” is the Bounty Hunter:

    Sad, I know. But I can’t stop giggling.

    Tsunami of Wisdom

    Every tsunami is a Tsunami of Wisdom. Namely, once you live through one, you learn damn well to head for the hills next time. Still doesn’t make it a good metaphor, or a very elegant sentence.

    Yeah. Plot hole.

    I think in this case it’s not so much a matter of Holes falling out of the landscape, but of Plot being careful strung like rope bridges over the abyss.

    a harsh and hungry place on its way to materialism?”

    I think maybe Tesch doesn’t actually know what ‘materialism’ is.

  2. BettyCross on 4 November 2011, 08:33 said:

    I’m still not sure what’s so dangerous and sinister about a cross between a raven and a hawk. I would prefer pit bulls with wings, like many here.

  3. Fell Blade on 4 November 2011, 10:35 said:

    It seems that a Tsunami of Wisdom has hit my brain.”

    The first thing I thought of when I saw this was the movie Hook.

    Smee ~ “I think I’ve just had an apostrophe.”
    Capt. Hook ~ “I believe you mean an epiphany.”
    Smee ~ “It’s like lightening just struck my brain.”
    Capt. Hook ~ “I bet that hurt.”

    Anyways, did I miss the part when he ate something like this? Where was this tree of knowledge and wisdom?

  4. BettyCross on 4 November 2011, 10:40 said:

    Anyways, did I miss the part when he ate something like this? Where was this tree of knowledge and wisdom?

    I think it’s intended to be symbolic, but it was a sin in the Bible to eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Is Gloria trying to imply that Joe[y] is aware of his own sin for the first time? If so, it’s not clear from these sporkings.

  5. Prince o' Tea on 4 November 2011, 10:50 said:

    Wait, her gorgeous beautiful hair actually has its own name and title? My Mary Sue-dar just caught fire and exploded. What next, we find out her people refer to her eyes as “The Kaledioscopic Violet Blue Eyes of the Princess”?

    Also, isn’t the whole reason Joey is in love with Krimmy is because she is beautiful and gorgeous, rather then anything else? Krimmy, he’s going to dump you the minute someone hotter comes along. Ask Morgana.

  6. Prince o' Tea on 4 November 2011, 11:01 said:

    Also Gloria, whenever you think about writing a Something of Something in your work.

    Don’t. Seriously. Just don’t. They never work. Ever.

    Diarrhea of Words = Does not work.
    Tsunami of Knowledge. Does not work.

    Also the “little boy” simile… is that supposed to be romantic? I don’t know many young girls who would want to be compared to Hot Wheels or Pokemon cards.

  7. LoneWolf on 4 November 2011, 11:24 said:

    “Diarrhea of Words” is a derisive Russian expression. I think that Marina Terkulovna Tesch is somehow involved here.

  8. Prince o' Tea on 4 November 2011, 11:50 said:

    That makes sense. The “Something of Something” metaphors really don’t work though in english though, and someone really needs to explain that to her.

  9. Kurt on 4 November 2011, 11:55 said:

    Gloria also wrote about flying pigs. What’s next, are the elephants flying too?

    I think Joey’s sudden homesickness is because the book is about to end, so he must have a reason to travel home. Of course, I assume that Gloria won’t write a proper ending.

  10. Requiem on 4 November 2011, 12:18 said:

    LOL at dragons afraid of those unholy abominations called Rawkens. A dragon is supposed to be one of the most feared creatures in fantasy literature and these cross bred birds scare them? It’s like smaug or fell beasts from LOTR being afraid of sauron’s ravens.

  11. Inkblot on 4 November 2011, 13:26 said:

    Joey, of all the Stus, you’re the very Garyest.

    A dragon flying at 20 miles an hour doesn’t actually sound that unrealistic to me. These are big, non-aerodynamic mammals – even with internal structure like a bird’s they’re ten times the size of one, easily. …I’ll shut up now.

  12. swenson on 4 November 2011, 14:20 said:

    @Requiem – Saruman’s ravens, I believe.

    Now a dragon being slightly nervous about Manwe’s eagles, that I might buy. But Manwe’s eagles Rawkens are MOST CERTAINLY NOT.

  13. Danielle on 4 November 2011, 14:28 said:

    You know, I think it’s time we had another CD!

    Band: ACOE
    Title: Rawken Out (EP)
    Genre: Progressive metal/ Gothic rock/ Hip-hop

    1. Flying Pit Bulls
    2. A Couple of Five (Dragons Who Top Out at 20 MPH)
    3. Krimhilda’s Goldie Cape (Joey’s Favorite Toy)
    4. Sexy Gorgonian Accent
    5. Tsunami of Wisdom (Hit My Brain Hit It Hard)
    6. Henrietta Mirror (Why Does It Vanish Until We Need It)
    7. Black and Blue (And Pretty Happy, Baby)
    8. I Miss My Family (When It’s Convenient)
    9. Harsh and Hungry Materialism (Tesch Needs to Lay Off the Acid)

  14. Fell Blade on 4 November 2011, 15:12 said:

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Danielle, those are priceless! Especially 5 and 7.

  15. Fell Blade on 4 November 2011, 15:18 said:

    And if you buy the deluxe edtion on Amazon, you get bonus tracks 10 and 11:

    “Right Time, Right Place, Right Crew”

    “She Grabbed My Hand (And I Liked It)”

  16. T on 4 November 2011, 16:11 said:

    The “Something of Something” metaphors really don’t work

    And I quote: “Anything that’s ‘the something of something’ isn’t really the anything of anything.”

  17. Requiem on 4 November 2011, 16:51 said:

    @Swenson True it is saruman’s ravens.

    Although dragons are not as aerodynamic they still have greater attack and defense than rawkens. Now if they were facing gwahir then I could see it being threatening. As gwahir are about the same size as a full grown adult dragon.

    I love how Tesch forgets about certain plot items and attempts to lampshade them, but this just makes bigger holes in her plot. And increases the sueness of the characters.

  18. LoneWolf on 4 November 2011, 17:32 said:

    I give her some credit for even attempting to lampshade.

  19. WulfRitter on 4 November 2011, 19:37 said:

    So, I just came back from a frantic dash to the animal shelter. I was determined to get myself a flying pit bull! I mean, seriously, how wicked awesome would that be? Somebody would be all gettin’ up in my business and “zoom!” pit bulls descend at hyperspeed from the sky and begin mauling the bad guy. And the guy’s last words as he gasps through his spewing arterial blood would be, “What the hell?” and the last thing he hears would be when I say, “Flying pit bulls.”

    Except the people at the animal shelter said I was delusional. Apparently, there is no such thing as a flying pit bull. Damn my luck.

  20. Erin on 4 November 2011, 19:53 said:

    Balthazar had bruises over his whole head and a swollen eye, but it seemed that he was also pretty happy

    Wow, I didn’t realize the sparkling air could be that dangerous.

  21. Luke on 4 November 2011, 19:56 said:

    Behold the teaser for the ‘Maradonia and the Seven Bridges Movie’.

    They have a horse.

  22. Fell Blade on 4 November 2011, 20:14 said:

    Wow that was…not exciting at all.

  23. Requiem on 4 November 2011, 21:00 said:

    cloaked impish character:Let the adventure….begin.

  24. Sum Mortis on 4 November 2011, 21:37 said:

    That was truly awful writing, even worse than usual for Tesch. I am almost sad that she either isn’t getting any help with her writing, or she is refusing it. I have long since lost any idea of what the plot of this book is, and where the hell it is going.

    Just a piece of garbage. I would pity her, but she and her family just seem so arrogant and nasty.

  25. LoneWolf on 4 November 2011, 21:43 said:

    I also find it amusing that “Tarakan” is “Cockroach” in Russian.

  26. Soupnazi on 4 November 2011, 22:42 said:

    I watched the teaser trailer without audio, but is it just me or did it have kind of decent camera-work?

  27. Fireshark on 4 November 2011, 22:59 said:

    I know everything in that teaser was from the first five minutes of the movie, but I’m just surprised they have anything to show at all. Also, the cast list still isn’t up, which makes me wonder if they even have a Maya or Joey yet.

    And finally, as a special digital download, you can get the track:
    “Little Boys, Favorite Toys (and You)”

  28. Erin on 4 November 2011, 23:20 said:

    So… I don’t remember a horse or a cloaked guy with a book from the book.

    But the horse would make a much better protagonist than Maya and Joey.

  29. VikingBoyBilly on 4 November 2011, 23:51 said:

    I showed my friend that video. His reaction:

    “Why… Oh my god… Why…. Why?”

  30. BettyCross on 5 November 2011, 07:59 said:

    I watched the teaser trailer without audio, but is it just me or did it have kind of decent camera-work?

    Soupnazi, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with the camera work either.

    They had a professional cinematographer at one point (last spring, IIRC). That’s why the camera work looks acceptable. Still photos showing the crew setting up this scene were on the Maradonia movie FB page a few months ago.

  31. Prince o' Tea on 5 November 2011, 10:45 said:

    Bah I was so excited that the trailer had come up, but that was probably all the footage they have managed to shoot so far before the money ran out. All of that stuff was in photographs on the movie site almost a year ago.

    On the other hand, I wonder how the Swansons have reacted to their missing offspring? Even if the school hasn’t told them that Joey hasn’t turned up, the frigging hospital is going to be ringing them and saying “BTW YOUR DAUGHTER IS MISSING FROM OUR HOSPITAL LOL”.

    Ah well Joey and Maya will be heading home soon. They’re probably taking bets on whether Auntie Sarah has died yet or not.

  32. Prince o' Tea on 5 November 2011, 10:50 said:

    I just read the page from Law of Blood and even after lots of Rawkens have been killed, there’s still enough of them to be a “cloud”.

    How many freaking eggs did Bertha, Doodoo and Beebee lay anyway? Hoepfully Gloria mentions that the ravens and hawks erupted into an orgy of hot interracial secks leading to an army of rawkens, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this is still the original brood.

  33. Fell Blade on 5 November 2011, 11:34 said:

    Maybe that’s why the air sparkled.

  34. BettyCross on 5 November 2011, 15:14 said:

    I don’t follow the sporkings for Gloria. I follow them to watch you guys have fun picking the text apart.

  35. Requiem on 5 November 2011, 18:07 said:

    “On the other hand, I wonder how the Swansons have reacted to their missing offspring? Even if the school hasn’t told them that Joey hasn’t turned up, the frigging hospital is going to be ringing them and saying “BTW YOUR DAUGHTER IS MISSING FROM OUR HOSPITAL LOL”.”

    I think the joker brainwashed them and then blew up the hospital.

  36. Prince o' Tea on 5 November 2011, 20:14 said:

    And then gave even more of Joey and Maya’s “beloved” aunties and uncles Convenient Cancers so the Suesome Twosome will be able to head back to Maradonia whenever they please.

  37. Soupnazi on 5 November 2011, 22:22 said:

    So, there’s a second teaser trailer.

    It’s identical to the first.

    Riiiight.

  38. LoneWolf on 6 November 2011, 13:54 said:

    No, this trailer is not identical to the first. Why are you slandering ‘Gloria Tesch’?

  39. BettyCross on 6 November 2011, 14:38 said:

    And then gave even more of Joey and Maya’s “beloved” aunties and uncles Convenient Cancers so the Suesome Twosome will be able to head back to Maradonia whenever they please.

    She ought to just drop a 100-kilometer wide asteroid on the primary world and wipe it out so Maya and Joe[y] get to stay in Mard-Land forever. In Maradonia they’re important. Back in Palm Harbor Oceanside they’re nobodies.

  40. Fireshark on 6 November 2011, 15:45 said:

    They are not ‘nobodies,’ Maya is a black belt in karate and Joey got some kind of art-related award and a ridiculously contrived meeting with a senator. The Encouragers are heroes in any world.

  41. BettyCross on 6 November 2011, 16:46 said:

    Maya and Joe[y] clearly prefer living and ruling and slaying evil-doers in Maradonia over boring stuff like going to high school. I still like my asteroid idea. It gets the primary world out of the way in one devastating stroke, making all this “perfectly timed cancer” unnecessary.

  42. prince of tea on 6 November 2011, 20:05 said:

    I forgot to mention this but what is glo’s massive hardon with “materialism”? Does she even know what the word means?

    I sincerely doubt anyone who tries to charge over a hundred dollars for a copy of her book has any place lecturing others about “materialism”

  43. Requiem on 6 November 2011, 23:33 said:

    I think the maradonia movie if it ever gets completed will be up there with garzeys wing, the room, and any pauly shore movie.

  44. Licht on 7 November 2011, 08:01 said:

    I still believe she does it on purpose.

    If her writing was good, or even decent, no one would care. The worse it gets the more people talk about it.

  45. BettyCross on 7 November 2011, 10:30 said:

    I sincerely doubt anyone who tries to charge over a hundred dollars for a copy of her book has any place lecturing others about “materialism”

    Incredibly, that’s still the list price at Amazon.com for “Ophir.” “Seven Bridges” is only sale for $18, but that’s used.

    I do wonder sometimes what “professor” Tesch teaches. I’m quite sure it isn’t marketing.

  46. Prince O' Tea on 7 November 2011, 11:41 said:

    I heard he isn’t actually a doctor or a professor of anything, and it was only something he used to make himself sound important. Even if that’s not the case, the Tesches have told so many half truths and outright lies that it’s extremely difficult to take their word on anything.

  47. FireShark on 7 November 2011, 15:37 said:

    Well, he might well be, but that’s not relevant. A good way to make yourself look qualified in things you’re not qualified for is to claim a title in some other field. Most people don’t know a meteorologist from a climatologist, or a professor of English from a professor of biology. Bottom line, they’re both scientists and they’re both professors. So Mr. Tesch may well be qualified to teach something, but not something important to us right now.

  48. Kurt on 7 November 2011, 19:05 said:

    Prince O'Tea: You can get Gold of Ophir for 25 at Maradonia.com. The company that sells the books for $100 at Amazon could be a resale scam.

    Mr. Tesch’s degree may be be theology related, as his company is called Liberty’s Voice Ministry.

    @Licht: I’ve always wondered whether Gloria really believes she is a great author. I could imagine that her parents more or less forced her to write the books. So she writes them poorly and quickly, so she gets the time to spend on other things.

  49. Requiem on 7 November 2011, 19:54 said:

    I wouldn’t doubt that the degree is either in business or theology from their official website they are in the business of selling religious themed products.

    http://www.trademarkia.com/libertys-voice-78713488.html

  50. BettyCross on 7 November 2011, 21:57 said:

    I still believe she does it on purpose. If her writing was good, or even decent, no one would care. The worse it gets the more people talk about it.

    What kind of ambition is that? Who’d want to become notorious for writing bad fiction on purpose?

  51. Requiem on 7 November 2011, 22:13 said:

    History remembers the philosophers, war heroes, tyrants, and revolutionaries…but it also must remember it’s failures so as to not repeat itself. Perhaps gloria is that shining light of fail that will be a beacon to those who will do the exact opposite of what she does in order to write a good fictional story.

  52. Fireshark on 8 November 2011, 00:18 said:

    If this were Star Trek TNG, I’d suggest something about reversing her polarity to make a perfect novel.

    P.S. Inheritance is coming out!!!1 Now when will I actually get to reading it?

  53. Licht on 8 November 2011, 04:43 said:

    @Betty: You’re so cute! xD

  54. Cristina on 8 November 2011, 12:22 said:

    I just love the fact that she keeps ripping off the Nibelungenlied. Krimhilda? Brunhilda? Tarnkappe?

    Go steal someone else’s genius, Gloria. Christ.

  55. BettyCross on 8 November 2011, 13:36 said:

    @Cristina, at least she didn’t name her dragons and giants after hobbits. That would be even worse. (I hope she doesn’t lurk here. I don’t want to give her ideas.)

  56. Prince O' Tea on 8 November 2011, 15:13 said:

    At least she’s not a wapanese, because then everyone in Maradonia would have names like Sakura and Hikari.

  57. Licht on 8 November 2011, 15:14 said:

    We’re probably lucky she doesn’t seem to have read certain other stories (which I won’t name. I bet you know the right ones.) yet.

    Besides, did she ever mention which books and stories she liked? I mean, aside the Treehouse books?

  58. Licht on 8 November 2011, 15:17 said:

    I know what you’re talking about, but why do you call it “wapanese”?

  59. Fireshark on 8 November 2011, 16:57 said:

    White + Japanese = Wapanese.

    It refers to a white person obsessed with Japanese culture to the point that it starts to get annoying. They may believe that Japan is superior to their own culture. They often use Japanese names or base their cultures on Japan when they write. For example, Paolini’s elves make swords Japanese-style and have a system of Japanese-style honorifics. A Wapanese person would take it up to eleven.

  60. VikingBoyBilly on 8 November 2011, 17:22 said:

    I thought it was Wannabe Japanese. If that’s not the case, then what are the black weaboos called? Blakanese?

  61. VikingBoyBilly on 8 November 2011, 17:27 said:

    http://gloriatesch.wordpress.com/2011/11/04/maradonia-promo-teaser/

    “Here is a small teaser for you guys! Some of you have been asking if the movie has been cancelled… it’s NOT! Duhhh. Hehe, can’t wait until the rest of production is complete!”

    Lol. Apparently my one post asking about that movie counts as “Some of you guys.”

    … huh? Someone by the alias “Julian Phelps” asked too. Okay.

  62. Fireshark on 9 November 2011, 03:51 said:

    I lied, I just read Inheritance all the way through. It features sparkles and implied sex mentioned in the same paragraph. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

  63. BettyCross on 9 November 2011, 09:00 said:

    From the wikipedia synopsis for Inheritance:

    The Green Rider is Arya, and her Dragon is Firnen. Eragon will leave and Arya is going to be the queen.

    Right on the money! Congrats to our prognosticators.

  64. Fireshark on 9 November 2011, 09:37 said:

    Also

    HEAVY SPOILERS

    Galbatorix is defeated by Eragon making him feel everything that he has caused others to feel. Now, what if the roles were reversed. Wouldn’t all the things Eragon did drive him almost as mad? I want to see Eragon have to deal with how much more bad than good he did.

  65. BlueMask on 10 November 2011, 00:39 said:

    That’s so true! For me, the major flaw with the series is that Eragon is actually not a good hero.
    Like Maya and Joey, for an unoriginal example. Do you think that Gloria Tesch is an Eragon fan? She’d certainly be in the right demographic and have the right standards for literature.
    On another note, I’m a long time lurker, and I’ve recently joined II. Hope to see more of you guys on the interwebs- awesome sporkings, Rorschach, please write lots more.

  66. LoneWolf on 10 November 2011, 00:58 said:

    No evidence that Gloria ever read Paolini. She did briefly mention that she’ve read Meyer in a radio interview.

  67. BlueMask on 10 November 2011, 02:02 said:

    I expected that. I really do think that she’s read Paolini’s books, though. It seems to be the kind of book that she’d read. An article I read once said something about Paolini inspiring kids all over the world to write their own stuff at an early age and self publish it. It would be interesting if he inspired Gloria Tesch…
    Just speculating, though.

  68. BettyCross on 17 November 2011, 05:45 said:

    @BlueMask, they both have dragon riders. That doesn’t prove by itself Gloria read Paolini’s books. She could have got the idea from reading a review or synopsis of one of them.

  69. Vikingboybilly on 17 November 2011, 09:07 said:

    She could have gotten the idea from Heretic: Shadow of The Serpent Riders, just like she stole the mark of the serpent riders from it.

  70. Emma on 17 November 2011, 21:46 said:

    “Rawken” sounds like chicken to me.

  71. BettyCross on 18 November 2011, 08:44 said:

    She could have gotten the idea from Heretic: Shadow of The Serpent Riders, just like she stole the mark of the serpent riders from it.

    It would be ironic if she did, after all those denunciations of video gamers.