Chapter Fifty – The Stem of the Apple

As the nurses leave the room, Maya says hello, and sees the stem and part of an apple sticking out of Emily’s pocket, so she asks if that’s an apple. Why, I’m not really sure. After all, she can see that it’s an apple, and there’s really no reason to bring it up even as a bit of idle conversation. What difference does it make if it’s an apple?

Emily says yes. Maya heads into Michael’s room and realizes he’s choking, so she slaps him on the back, because that’s the best way to help someone who’s choking. It doesn’t work, of course, and then he stops breathing. How does she know this? Well, she just does. There isn’t a moment of doubt as to whether he’s breathing or not, Maya just knows.

The two nurses looked at Maya and screeched, “What are you doing with the baby!? Don’t you see that the boy is choking? Hitting him so hard on his back…this poor little boy stopped breathing!” (page 472)

Apparently the nurses can tell when someone stops breathing from across the room.

Maya starts screaming for a doctor. She opens Michael’s mouth and he starts breathing. Then she pats his back and he stops breathing again. Okay, setting aside the fact that it’s simply not possible to tell that easily: Maya, if you change something and it makes someone START breathing, it’s generally a good idea to NOT CHANGE ANYTHING ELSE.

The nurses come and try to take the baby but Maya turns away from them.

“Get away from me! I will take care of you later!” Emily frowned at the thought (page 473).

Hmmm. “Take care” of them. I’m guessing this involves being boiled in oil and then drawn and quartered.

Genarius shows up and screams and shouts and finally the doctor shows up and pronounces Michael dead. However, Maya refuses to accept this. She has a flashback to AstroJesus telling her that she’ll bring the king’s child to the Valley of Maramon and meet Dominatio. She tells Genarius that she’s going to bring Michael back to life.

The doctor shook his head and the two nurses chuckled (page 475).

Yeah, it’s hilarious, isn’t it, after you’ve just murdered a baby?

The doctor wonders out loud if something suspicious is going on, because he once had a case where a father smothered his daughter because he wanted a son, and afterward the girl’s face was the same color as Michael’s is.

Wow.

I’m a little torn here. On the one hand, at least the doctor is a bit suspicious about this. On the other hand, his reason for being suspicious is the stupidest fucking reason I’ve ever heard. So two babies that smothered to death are the same color? Yeah, that’s the default color when you’re smothered. Science. It works, bitches.

Maya pulls the apple out of Emily’s pocket and asks if they put a piece into Michael’s mouth. They deny it. And instead of just checking inside Michael’s mouth like any reasonable person, Maya moves on, after reminding them once more that she’ll ‘take care’ of them.

Genarius leaves sobbing hysterically and Maya sends a servant to fetch the dragons. Maya goes and packs up her backpack, still holding Michael’s corpse in her arms, which is a little creepy. He’s turning dark blue. So, it’s been at least five, ten minutes since he stopped getting oxygen, which means that even if they resuscitate him, he’s going to be a vegetable.

Maya stops in to meet Genarius before she leaves:

The hair of Genarius had turned white and it looked like he had lost a lot of weight. He was in deep depression and had no more tears to shed (page 478).

Incredible. In the past ten minutes, Genarius’ hair has turned white, he’s lost weight, and he’s cried himself out. I feel like Tesch didn’t properly think this through.

Maya puts Michael in a sling and as she’s heading out to get aboard the dragon, Henry runs up, confesses his love, and asks Maya to marry him. Maya says no. Because she’s fifteen. Also, she has a corpse to revive.

Emoogie sends one of the dragons to Tyronia to tell Joey what’s going on, and he takes off with the other dragon, Dasha. They leave, with Henry standing behind, filled with angst about Maya’s harsh rejection.

Chapter Fifty-One – Blitz Ride

Tesch really likes the word Blitz.

Maya’s riding on Dasha’s back. As they fly, Dasha explains that Emoogie told her the recipe to make Michael breathe again. Uh…recipe? Maybe the dragons don’t speak good English.

Dasha has Maya wrap a leather belt around a scale and hold on with all her might, and then dangle Michael over her arm so his head is hanging down. They fly up high in the air, and Dasha goes into a dive.

The speed and air pressure was insufferable and Maya thought that this was the end of the journey, but she held on and did as she was advised.

Prince Michael suddenly opened his mouth and started coughing because of his position, the sudden change in air pressure and the high speed (page 484).

So, I wouldn’t call myself an expert on the human body. I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV. And I’m not nearly good enough at science or math to determine the exact effects of doing a nose-dive from high up in the air. And yet, despite just being a pretty average, ordinary guy, I know enough to know this is absolute bullshit.

Michael coughs, spits up a bit of apple, starts breathing again, and is pretty much fine.

Maya breathed a huge sigh of relief and uttered, “I did not know that Emoogie had such great baby sitting experience.” (page 485)

Hah, that’s hilarious. Because every time you baby-sit, the baby ends up choking to death.

Michael falls asleep and Maya is very happy.

Chapter Fifty-Two – Dominatio and Emoogie

They keep flying. Yeah. Instead of taking the baby back to King Genarius, who believes that his only son is now dead, they just keep going. Very classy, Maya.

Dasha apparently loves Maya and understands her well, which is impressive because the first they could have met was a few days before, and it was never mentioned before that Maya and Dasha were friends or had ever talked or spent any time together.

They land at Dominatio’s castle, which is on top of an inactive volcano. Some dwarfs come out and then Dominatio appears. He has very long white hair. Apparently, people believe that his hair is the source of his power, which has never been cut. How Maya knows this, I don’t know. Or maybe Tesch is switching back and forth with her omniscient narrator and limited third-person.

Maya gets down and the three men bow down to her. Dominatio introduces himself and the other two men – there’s Melchisedek, which is from the Bible, and Yogananda, who’s from real life. Apparently, Maya can feel the power just radiating off them.

Emoogie lands after a couple minutes. Dominatio looks at Maya’s hand – still damaged from Alana Terrence crushing it – and asks her if she wants it to be healed. Maya, of course, immediately launches into a long explanation about how of course she does but everyone knows that it’s simply not possible for her hand to be healed. So let me get this straight: This is Maradonia, where magic exists. She just was a part of a dragon air show where they used the wind and air pressure to dislodge apple from a baby’s mouth, restart its heart, and heal the incurable brain damage caused from being without oxygen for 20+ minutes. And she’s just met this guy and can feel the incredible magical power buzzing around him. And when he asks her if she wants her hand healed, her first reaction, instead of “Yes please!” is “Oh that’s not possible.”

Maya is an idiot.

A nurse comes out and takes Michael off to feed him. Dominatio has Maya extend her hand and touch his staff. No, not that staff. Her hand is instantly healed. Maya is delighted and starts crying with joy.

Later, they’re eating dinner, and Dominatio and Emoogie are talking in dragonish, which is the way Tesch refers to dragon-speech. Dominatio finally turns to Maya and explains that they have a spiritual connection and are both members of a secret brotherhood. It turns out Emoogie used to be a human, but they don’t explain that any further. Anyway, only men are allowed in the brotherhood, and Joey, because he’s King, is now a member. Maya asks who all is in it, and it includes Dominatio, Joey, Melchisedek, Yogananda, and there were two others who turned evil: Count Mordock, which is totally an Evil Name, and the Shadow Monarch, Geierkralle, who’s a pirate.

Maya starts laughing hysterically at all this random information.

“That is just too much for me. In the end, everything here in the Land of Maradonia is only an illusion and maybe one day I will wake up from a strange dream which was more a nightmare than a dream.” (page 497)

Despite Maya displaying signs that she’s having a psychological meltdown, nobody even addresses the fact that she doesn’t even believe all of this is really happening. They keep talking and Emoogie rambles about events that have already happened and events that are coming:

“It seems to me that King Apollyon and his armies are preparing for a grand third war. I call it World War Three or the Battle for the Key.” (page 500)

Subtle.

Eventually Maya asks Emoogie how he became a human. In a long and roundabout way, he explains that he was captured by the Powers of Evil who tortured him, and finally cast a bunch of spells which apparently turned him into a dragon. He then took off, because Apollyon just let him leave, and eventually found a bunch of dragons to live with.

“The females liked me very much from the very beginning.” (page 504)

That’s…nice, I guess, but why is it in this story? Kind of an irrelevant detail, isn’t it?

Chapter Fifty-Three – The Crystal Dragon

Maya has a nightmare about bubbles. She ends up in a chamber with a crystal dragon statue in it, and then wakes up covered in sweat. She gets up and walks around, and the narrator explains she’s sleepwalking.

A message floats into her mind and explains that the inscriptions on the pillars contain knowledge and she needs to remember them. Unfortunately, Maya can’t read them.

Dominatio shows up and offers to translate them, but after breakfast. Maya agrees and then goes in to write a letter to Genarius, explaining that he son is alive and they’ll be back soon, because…you know, she’s left him thinking his son is dead for over a day now, and it’s time to end his grieving period. Maya is a psychopath. I cannot believe that someone would lack the human decency to…I dunno, take his son back to him? Michael is Genarius’ son, after all. At the very least, she could have written a letter the moment she landed.

Maya writes the letter and gives it to a dwarf who sends it out via carrier pigeon. However, our omniscient narrator explains that the pigeon is killed by a hawk and the message never arrives.

Chapter Fifty-Four – The Magic of the Twelve Pillars

I’m not going to spend a lot of time analyzing these runes, because I don’t care enough, but I do find it pretty funny that the first six letters say “F U Thor”.

Maya meets up with Dominatio, who begins translating the pillars. Each one is about two-thirds of a page in length, and he translates all twelve of them and reads out the entire thing. It’s ridiculous.

Here’s the first one:

“‘The sun rises and the sun goes down and hastens back to the place where it arose. All the rivers run into the sea and the sea is not full. The eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing. That, which has been… is what will be and that which is done… is what will be done. It has already been in ancient times before us. There is no remembrance of former things nor will there be any remembrance of things that are to come by those who will come after. In much wisdom is much grief and the one who will read this and wants to increase his knowledge will increase sorrow.”

“That is heavy,” said Maya (pages 513-514).

It sure is. It’s also taken, almost verbatim, from the Bible. Ecclesiastes 1, verses 5-18.

I’m not going to go through and quote all of the rest of them, because of them are taken from Ecclesiastes. That’s right. This chapter is fourteen pages long, and 75% of it is just long, word-for-word Bible quotations that Tesch is trying to pass off as ancient mystical magical knowledge for the made-up land of Maradonia.

Seriously.

Drinks: 79

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Comment

  1. swenson on 26 August 2011, 19:56 said:

    Oh, what a massive surprise. The dwarves use Norse runes as their script. I am so utterly surprised you just don’t even know.

    Also, I agree, the air pressure thing was stupid.

  2. Taku on 26 August 2011, 20:19 said:

    For the record, that’s actually the historical Anglo-Saxon futhork. I’m not sure where the extra ks and g come from (possibly the Thames or the Vienna versions), but this is what’s called ‘not even trying’.

  3. Betty Cross on 26 August 2011, 21:46 said:

    the one who will read this and wants to increase his knowledge will increase sorrow

    “Hea-vee, man,” said Maya, talking a long toke on the bong.

    Seriously, this book would be a lot better in every way if Maya and Joe were stoners.

  4. TheArmada on 26 August 2011, 22:30 said:

    Can you do the next spork while high? Speaking of stoners…

  5. Licht on 26 August 2011, 22:39 said:

    Oh, come on, she can’t even make up her own runes? That’s so cheap, really.

    Oh… and … Gloria, just so you know:

    Skalat maðr rúnar rísta nema ráða vel kunni

  6. Clibanarius on 26 August 2011, 23:00 said:

    God, reading this stuff is like a really bad acid trip.

    The kind where you see killer muffins.

  7. Requiem on 27 August 2011, 00:46 said:

    More bible crap? Seriously? Jeez the amount of plagiarism from that book alone is aggravating. I don’t even think C.S. Lewis was as blatant as fucking tesch. Come up with your own ideas for once, or at least try to re-invent the crap you love so much. This is worse than eragon taking from star wars.

  8. Fireshark on 27 August 2011, 02:18 said:

    What’s the difference between Maya and Joey as of now? My actual #1 pet peeve is when an author makes two characters when one will do. At least that’s one crime Paolini never commited.

    Norse runes? Really? If I can cook up some crap with Fontstruct, so can Tesch.

    P.S. Tesch: Stop stealing from the Bible. Hell, most preachers use less of it in their sermons!

  9. Betty Cross on 27 August 2011, 06:41 said:

    Anglo-Saxon runes, not Norse. You can tell because they have a symbol for “ae” and “eo” and “ea.” And because the list starts with “F U.”

  10. Prince o' Tea on 27 August 2011, 08:40 said:

    So… does this mean Generius is going to do an Aegeus and kill himself because Maya didn’t make any real effort to tell him that the last remaining member of his family was still alive?

    Air pressure dislodges bits of apple from a dead baby’s throat and brings them back to life? Did Gloria ever think about any of this out loud? Just sprinkle the brat with some phoenix down like the villains keep doing.

    Also… Maya’s hand was still injured? I thought it had miraculously healed by being in Morondonia, since Gloria hasn’t bothered to mention if the injured hand inconvenienced or harmed Maya in any way.

  11. Prince o' Tea on 27 August 2011, 08:42 said:

    sorry, not harmed, “continued to hurt”. When was the last time the injured hand was mentioned in any way shape or form? Baby Brother Benji probably gets mentioned more.

  12. VikingBoyBilly on 27 August 2011, 10:30 said:

    As an avid Norse-buff, I am outraged by Gloria and Marina Tesch inserting the Futhark… err… Futhork… into this pestilent tome and pretending it’s their own made up maradonia glyphs.

    PS. Rorscach: that’s the first five runes, not the first six. The ‘th’ sound comes from a single rune and isn’t a concatenation of two runes like in the alphabet.

  13. LoneWolf on 27 August 2011, 11:46 said:

    Gloria probably thinks that by inserting Futhark into Maradonia she is being ‘erudite and educational’.

  14. Sweguy on 27 August 2011, 11:58 said:

    Actually, I thought the air preassure-thingi was quite outstanding. I do it all the time when I’m about to choke on a pickle or what not :D

  15. LoneWolf on 27 August 2011, 11:58 said:

    Michael’s transitions from life to death confused the heck out of me.

  16. BettyCross on 27 August 2011, 12:00 said:

    Skalat maðr rúnar rísta nema ráða vel kunni

    Sounds impressive. Translation, please.

  17. Sweguy on 27 August 2011, 12:01 said:

    Actually, I thought the air preassure-thingi was quite outstanding. I do it all the time when I’m about to choke on a pickle or what not :D

    By the way, I’m Swedish and I kind of think that the runes are Scandinavian. Cause we have the letters ‘ae’ and ‘oe’ even today. ae = ä and oe = ö. Just saying.

  18. Sweguy on 27 August 2011, 12:02 said:

    Sorry for the double comment!

  19. Apep on 27 August 2011, 12:35 said:

    Anglo-Saxon runes, not Norse. You can tell because they have a symbol for “ae” and “eo” and “ea.”

    After perusing Wikipedia (take that as you will), you’re right. Granted, I’m basing this off the actual runes used (namely the fourth one), rather than modern English equivalents.

    And because the list starts with “F U.”

    As near as I can tell, most Germanic rune alphabets began with the same six letters (F, U, Th, A, R, and K/C), but I’m getting this from Wikipedia, so, yeah.

    Still, Tesch couldn’t even randomize the rune-to-English letters? Lazy.

    Skalat maðr rúnar rísta nema ráða vel kunni

    Okay, it’s been a while since I took Old English, and that might not even be Old English, but I think it has something to so with someone’s mother.

  20. WulfRitter on 27 August 2011, 13:27 said:

    Uhh . . . did I misread this (please say I did), or did Maya take the dying and/or dead baby away from the doctor? What, is she going to go all Scientologist on us now?

  21. BettyCross on 27 August 2011, 13:29 said:

    Uhh . . . did I misread this (please say I did), or did Maya take the dying and/or dead baby away from the doctor? What, is she going to go all Scientologist on us now?

    More likely a faith healer.

  22. Ridureyu on 27 August 2011, 17:06 said:

    Okay yeah see, when Jesus or Peter or Paul or Elijah or Elisha raised the dead or otherwide brought somebody back to life…

    …THEY HADN’T KILLED THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.

  23. Rorschach on 27 August 2011, 20:08 said:

    Okay yeah see, when Jesus or Peter or Paul or Elijah or Elisha raised the dead or otherwide brought somebody back to life…

    Well, see, if Maya had started praying to King Roach asking him to raise Michael from the dead, and assuming that Roach did so, that’s one thing. That would be explicitly be a miracle and we can toss logic and science out the window.

    Here, Tesch is trying to come up with some pseudoscientific reason why this should work and is failing. Hard.

  24. leafbreeze on 27 August 2011, 21:23 said:

    If you’ve been without oxygen for 20+ minutes, you’re pretty much DEAD. You can’t just spit out whatever you’re chocking on, and be perfectly fine.

    Not to mention, if it was obvious the baby was choking, then why did no one EVER LOOK IN ITS MOUTH?

    How does this crap even exist? * headdesk *

  25. VikingBoyBilly on 27 August 2011, 21:32 said:

    If I recall correctly, way back at the hospital scene where maya was cured, it stated that her finger was permanently bent and uncurable, not her entire hand.

    It would have been interesting to have seen this permanent physical flaw take an effect on our young mary-sue, but Gloria doesn’t show the consequences of this or even hint at Maya angsting about it. Then she cures her broken hand, because any imperfections in either of the suesome twosome must be swiftly eradicated and the characters who inflicted damage upon them will be killed off without mercy.

  26. Licht on 28 August 2011, 08:00 said:

    It’s not about anyone’s mother.
    It’s from the Egil Saga, meaning something along the lines of: “No one shall scratch runes who doesn’t know how to read them.”

    I think that’s Gtesch’s main problem. She scratches a lot of runes, that is, for example her bible quotes, without knowing their meaning and how powerful they are. Sometimes it’s as if she just uses things because they sound nice, unable to tell what they were supposed to stand for and therefore using them in a way that appears strange to everyone else who reads it.

    She’s toying around with a power she does not understand.

  27. Betty Cross on 28 August 2011, 09:41 said:

    She’s toying around with a power she does not understand.

    Gloria’s not in any danger of being struck down by a single devastating blow of Thor’s hammer. For her, the worst has already happened. She has written a series of ridiculous fantasy novels.

  28. Lone Wolf on 28 August 2011, 12:39 said:

    Actually, before this chapter, I understood what Gloria was trying to do, even if she failed. But I can’t understand this chapter at all. Babies who go from dead to living to dead to living, dragons randomly revealing themselves to be human, but turned to dragons by the main villain for no reason whatsoever… WTF is going on?

  29. Apep on 28 August 2011, 12:43 said:

    It’s not about anyone’s mother.
    It’s from the Egil Saga, meaning something along the lines of: “No one shall scratch runes who doesn’t know how to read them.”

    Well, I did say it had been a while since I took Old English. Plus, apparently the Egil Saga is in Old Norse (I assume. Again, Wikipedia), so it’s probably like comparing Spanish to Portuguese – similar, but not the same.

  30. BettyCross on 28 August 2011, 18:58 said:

    @LoneWolf, it’s never been a coherent story to me. So many problems in Gloria’s writing would go away if only she’d subject herself to the necessary task of revising her work.

  31. Requiem on 28 August 2011, 19:17 said:

    I think gloria’s story is a bit like seinfeild, it’s just a whole bunch of random events with no actual purpose as they go from adventure to adventure not really solving anything or doing anything. It’s a book about nothing with bible quotes, fantasy creatures, and sociopathic heroes. My mind can’t fathom how this or seven bridges made any sense in her head.

  32. Ridureyu on 28 August 2011, 20:01 said:

    The first book had a coherent story, as awful as it was. Characters went from point A to point B and did things.

    But this one? They’re banging A and B together while making “Froom! fwoom!” noises like we all did with our Transformers toys.

  33. Alyssa on 28 August 2011, 21:01 said:

    I think Tesch got the word Blitz from FFX, but who knows. She probably doesn’t play video games.

  34. Cristina on 29 August 2011, 03:32 said:

    Also, she should stop inserting German into her “books”. The poor language does not deserve to be desecrated like this. But if you do, at least try to come up with stuff that is less lame than “Geierkralle”, for Pete’s sake, Tesch. Jesus Christ.

    Epic. Fail.

  35. Fell Blade on 29 August 2011, 09:03 said:

    Aside from the Ecclesiastes rip off, did anyone else notice that Dominatio and his “powerful hair” is pretty much Samson?

    Also, I could be wrong but I don’t really think it’s a good idea for one of the main “heroes” in your story to go through a book and a half of defeating the villains, making wonderful magical friends, saving the world, etc., to then turn around and say it’s all been a nightmare that she hopes she wakes up from. Then again, maybe Gloria is just being honest about the quality of her stories…

  36. BettyCross on 29 August 2011, 11:20 said:

    Aside from the Ecclesiastes rip off, did anyone else notice that Dominatio and his “powerful hair” is pretty much Samson?

    No, Fell Blade. Now you have me wondering which one of the Dark Fairies is going to disable him by cutting his hair off.

  37. Prince o' Tea on 29 August 2011, 13:03 said:

    Mabye that’s how Kerry, the man with the “unusual beard” and an incestuous relationship with his nephew died. Florie drugged him and shaved his beard off, then pushed him backward, so he was no longer protected by the powers of his unusual beard and was killed.

  38. Ridureyu on 29 August 2011, 19:40 said:

    Wait a minute, what does this have to do with World War III?

  39. VikingBoyBilly on 29 August 2011, 20:37 said:

    Probably Gloria places the importance of her Maradonia Saga so high that she proclaims the conflict within it is World War III.

  40. BettyCross on 30 August 2011, 09:20 said:

    Does Maradonia have two other world wars in its past?

    If this is World War III, why doesn’t Abbadon use the hammer and sickle motif? Maya and Joe in the first book surreptitiously entered his miles-wide fortress and water park without seeing a hammer and sickle anywhere.

  41. Prince o' Tea on 30 August 2011, 12:13 said:

    Gloria can’t seem to make up her freaking mind where Maradonia is, if it’s on its own planet, a pocket dimension or something similar, in on the earth but is seperated from the rest of it by some sort of magic barrier.

    All I know is that I love The Salsa Dance.

  42. Betty Cross on 30 August 2011, 14:24 said:

    in/on the earth but is seperated from the rest of it by some sort of magic barrier.

    The early chapters of “7 Bridges” provided this is explanation, but because Gloria never bothered to make her world internally consistent, confusion is understandable.

  43. Prince o' Tea on 30 August 2011, 17:31 said:

    Yes, like the whole 1 day in Earth = 1000 years in Maradonia. That was dropped fairly quickly. A year or two at seems to have passed in Maradonia at most, if Lady Ruchi was able to get pregnant, give birth and die and leave behind a baby.

  44. Lone Wolf on 31 August 2011, 05:00 said:

    You’re a ‘Nitpicker’ and concentrate on Minor Flaws, instead of understanding the Morality of Maya and Joey’s ‘struggle with the forces of evil’.

  45. DictatorHat on 31 August 2011, 15:04 said:

    What, the forces of evil within themselves?

  46. Betty Cross on 31 August 2011, 15:09 said:

    Abbadon and his club of evil are even dumber than the heroes. They should be called the Farces of Evil.

  47. Prince o' Tea on 31 August 2011, 19:43 said:

    But at the same time they believe in respecting Mother Earth, that their club of evil is based on teamwork, and that all evil minions must get to spend time in the evil waterpark.

  48. Requiem on 31 August 2011, 20:29 said:

    maybe the club of evil is really good and maya and joey are the true evil. Maybe there is no evil at all, just two forces going against one another without reason and without morality as chaos. An immovable mountain and unstoppable force. Nah it’s all non-sense.

  49. BettyCross on 1 September 2011, 13:36 said:

    @Requiem, maybe Gloria just didn’t know how to tell the story she wanted to tell.

  50. Lone Wolf on 1 September 2011, 15:18 said:

    Respecting Mother Earth is a sign of Evil to Gloria Tesch. Makes sense, considering the influence of Fundamentalist Christianity on her ‘writing style’.

  51. Falden on 1 September 2011, 17:25 said:

    @Lone Wolf, I don’t know precisely what kind of fundamentalist Christianity you’re referring to, but Christianity in general does not consider respecting the earth evil, if by respect you mean taking proper care of it. The only thing in this case that Christianity considers evil is calling earth “Mother Earth,” because that is essentially saying the earth is one’s origin, rather than God. I.e., credit is not going where credit is due.

  52. Prince o' Tea on 1 September 2011, 19:40 said:

    How about the “Faces of Evil”?

    Joey: Gee, it sure is boring around here! I want to incinerate talking wildlife!
    Auntie Susan: MAH BOII, my cancer means you can go on an adventure to Morondonia!
    Maya: Golly!
    Hoppy: Squadalah! We’re off!
    Ruchi: You’re not afraid of dragons are you?
    Abaddon: I spy with my eye, someone WHO MUST DAII.
    Apollyon: Join me Maya and Joey, and I will make your faces the greatest in Morondonia-ai. OR ELSE YOU WILL DAII.

    I could go on like this for ages.

  53. BettyCross on 1 September 2011, 20:24 said:

    Ruchi: You’re not afraid of dragons are you?

    Poor Lady Ruchi! She’s mentioned, but never says a word in “7 Bridges,” and in “Ophir” she’s already announced as dead. Gloria didn’t even bother to upgrade her title from Lady to Queen.

  54. Vikingboybilly on 1 September 2011, 20:45 said:

    Here’s the sequel, “Wand of Maramon.”

    Genarius: Maya and emoogie have taken my dead son to Maramon. I’m going to Maramon to retrieve him for a proper burial/cremation. If you don’t hear from me in a month, send Joey.
    Emily: But genarius-
    Genarius: ENOUGH. My ship sails in the morning. If you don’t hear from me in a month, send Joey.
    Joey: Don’t worry. That old Dominatio is no match for the king.

  55. Vikingboybilly on 1 September 2011, 20:48 said:

    [double post because i was too hasty]
    Genarius: I wonder what’s for Dinner?
    Joey: Oh, boy! I could eat poison mangoes!
    Hoppy: Food affects your mood!

  56. Vikingboybilly on 1 September 2011, 21:57 said:

    Triple post because OMG look at gloria’s blog!

    http://gloriatesch.wordpress.com/2011/08/10/hello-world/

    She’s confirmed to making a 4th maradonia installment. “Maradonia and the Lost Secret of Kra” (7) as well as “Maradonia and the Unleashed Beast” (8).

    So she must be done writing battle for the key.
    (Note she says Maradonia and the Seven bridges was “converted” to screenplay and audiobook.

    I’m a little surprised I’m the only one who posted in her blog, guys (as ‘arabella’). Come on, guys, feed her ego!

  57. Vikingboybilly on 1 September 2011, 22:00 said:

    Triple post because OMG look at gloria’s blog!

    http://gloriatesch.wordpress.com/2011/08/10/hello-world/

    She’s confirmed to making a 4th maradonia installment. “Maradonia and the Lost Secret of Kra” (7) as well as “Maradonia and the Unleashed Beast” (8).

    So she must be done writing battle for the key.
    (Note she says Maradonia and the Seven bridges was “converted” to screenplay and audiobook.

    I’m a little surprised I’m the only one who posted in her blog, guys (as ‘arabella’). Come on, guys, feed her ego!

    Oh, and there’s a maradonia theme song, apparently: http://gloriatesch.wordpress.com/2011/08/29/maradonia-newsletter-july-august/

  58. Betty Cross on 2 September 2011, 08:12 said:

    I went to her blog but was unable to find the theme song. That disappointed me. I was expecting Gloria to provide the vocals, accompanied by her dad on the accordion and her mom on babalaika.

  59. BettyCross on 2 September 2011, 11:29 said:

    @Viking, I can’t find your Arabella comment on her blog. She must have deleted it.

  60. leafbreeze on 2 September 2011, 15:00 said:

    @BettyCross Strange, I can see it

  61. Fell Blade on 2 September 2011, 15:48 said:

    Haha, I see that her sentence structure still leaves a lot to be desired.

    However, I had book signings, several editorial changes in the screenplay had to be made and since the middle of July we were practically on a daily base-even on Saturdays and Sundays-in the Studios and produced for the Maradonia Movie the Music & Sound Track with over six hours.

    Huh?? Over six hours…of…? I’m guessing music, but who knows

    The AUDIO BOOK will be offered on 10 CD’s (11 Hours and 20 Minutes) and this audio version is a completely new edited version of my first novel which I began writing at the age of ten years.

    Again with the ten years thing. Pick which way you want to say it Tesch! “Which I began writing at the age of ten”, “Which I began writing when I was ten years old”… Also, I wonder how much this “new edited version” will differ from the old one.

    On a side note, I heard that the CIA has invested heavily in the Maradonia Audio Book, and will be using it during interrogations as a replacement for the highly controversial practice of water-boarding.

  62. BettyCross on 2 September 2011, 17:30 said:

    She may mean that they have over six hours of footage for the Maradonia movie in the can, but that means nothing since film directors often make several takes of the same scene and decide which one to put in the finished film during the editing phase. But then, nobody ever accused Gloria of knowing much about film-making.

    this audio version is a completely new edited version of my first novel

    So different editions of the same book, with varying content, are now on sale at the same time. That sounds somewhat less than professional tome.

  63. Prince o' Tea on 2 September 2011, 17:32 said:

    Six hours of googling herself and sockpuppeting, I suppose.

    As for Apollyon:
    You dare bring Sueness to my lair? You must die boomboom

    I’m wondering if Maradonia and the Lost Secret of Kra(p) and Maradonia and the Euphemism for Masturbation are actually going to be released, as she says they have been “coming soon’ since 2009. We know the Tesches are atrocious at deleting their old stuff (the Book Trailer she keeps deleting and insisting has never existed is still on her Myspace in all its pristine glory). Still I will post on her blog, and ask her if Maradonia and the Unleashed Beast will be about Joey jerking off to mermaid porn, or something. She does know what to “unleash the beast” means, right?

  64. BettyCross on 2 September 2011, 17:33 said:

    As God is my witness, I still can’t find any comments on her blog. Maybe it’s my web browser, Mozilla Foxfire, 3.6.21.

  65. DictatorHat on 2 September 2011, 18:11 said:

    I see it. I do not see a reply.

  66. BettyCross on 2 September 2011, 18:23 said:

    She does know what to “unleash the beast” means, right?

    Unleash the Beast = Rise of the AntiChrist. At least I think that’s what she means.

  67. Fireshark on 2 September 2011, 18:27 said:

    Hotel Maradonia:

    “Nice of Astrodoulos to invite us over for a picnic, gay Joey?”

    “I hope he made lots of spaghetti!”

    “Joey! Look!”

    “It’s from ‘Apollyon.’”

    “Dear stuck-up Sues,

    “The ‘Club of Evil’ and I have taken over the kingdom of Maradonia! The mermaids are now permanent guests at one of my seven bridges. I dare you to find them if you can.”

    “We gotta find the mermaids!”

    “And YOU gotta help us!”

    “If you need instructions on how to live your life, check out this book of quotes.”

    —-

    (arriving at a waterpark)

    “Looks kinda peaceful!”

    “Looks are deceiving, when Evil is around!”

    —-

    “A-ha! Here’s the problem— too many video games. You know what they say! Today a reader, tommorow a leader! Today a gamer, tomorrow an overly critical, book-hating nutjob who bitterly writes overlong criticisms of the near-perfect tales of a natural storyteller who happens to be the youngest novelist in the world.”

    —-

    “Ya bring a light?”

    “Joey, you know perfectly well that I did not take a ‘flashlight’ with me into the land of ‘Maradonia,’ although I did indeed take several items with me!

    “The only light I need is the lord Jesus Christ!”

  68. BettyCross on 2 September 2011, 18:31 said:

    Gay Joey? Does his mermaid girlfriend Morganna know about this?

  69. Fireshark on 2 September 2011, 18:37 said:

    I. M. Maradonia:

    Oh look, what clever children, see them reading, watch them leading

    How I hate those goodie goodies, how they so deserve a beating

    I’ve got a little secret, that’ll really make them cry,

    It’s a nasty kind of story, written so badly you’ll want to die,

    This book is made to order, but it isn’t to be read,

    When they open up this book, they’ll find it’s shit instead!

    The worst story that they have ever read!

    Out of Gloria Tesch’s head!

    Very stupid and annoying!

    Story you won’t be enjoying!

    The saga of Maradon—-i—-aaaaaa!

    Diabolical laugh

  70. Prince o' Tea on 2 September 2011, 21:08 said:

    Haha Fireshark, these are fantastic. I say we join forces. “Sueing the Sue with twice the Sue.”

    Maradonia Time,
    Come and grab sues, we are going to go to
    ripped off lands
    Joey is a douche and Maya is crazy
    The fun will never ever begin
    Maradonia Time

    I am in suuuuch a big zelda mood now. I’m replaying Oracle of Seasons now, and I can’t help but imagine how Maya and Joey would react to the story. Joey would probably laugh at Din’s fear and the terror of the Holodrum natives, whilst Maya would say Din deserves her fate for wearing immodest clothing and dancing the Salsa Dance.

    They would then abandon Holodrum to its fate, then catch the nearest portal back to Oceanside the minute they felt like hot pockets.

  71. Vikingboybilly on 2 September 2011, 22:11 said:

    oh man, oracle of seasons. I haven’t played that for a decade.

    With all this stuff on her blog, I’m extremely surprised she’s still deluding herself into thinking Maradonia is in high demand and hyping it up. I thought by now, after all the copywright attacks against critical youtubers and most likely googling this site, she would have had a revelation that her books are poorly recieved and had withdrawn in embarrassment, never to utter a peep about her books again.

    sigh. I also thought chris chan wised up to stop making youtube videos making an idiot of himself after the jackie saga ended and he started crossdressing.

  72. Prince o' Tea on 2 September 2011, 22:32 said:

    It’s their tenth anniversary this year, so I’m replaying the Oracles. Massive nostalgia overload (just beat the Unicorn’s Cave and am now in the Ancient Ruins now. I even did a little fanart of Din to celebrate.) You should too! Holodrum and Labrynna are way more awesome then Maradonia will ever be. But then again, so is pretty much everything.

    Well Gloria is about sixteen… and Chris Chan is in his early thirties now, and he’s only JUST beginning to realize that releasing videos of yourself in women’s underwear humping a rubber Sailor Moon doll whilst wearing a Sonic the Hedgehog hat is probably going to make you a laughing stock.

    Gloria’s emotional growth is being stunted by her family who all operate under similar levels of delusion (the fact that Mrs Tesch refers to herself as a “gifted illustrator of children’s books” should tell you all you need to know about Team Tesch delusion. It’s in their DNA, from both sides of the family.)

  73. Fireshark on 3 September 2011, 00:29 said:

    According to the Tesch site, there will be another book called “Maradonia and the Curse of Abbadon,” and at least ten more books. I’m not sure if this is new or not, but I hadn’t heard that mentioned before.

  74. Fireshark on 3 September 2011, 00:49 said:

    @Prince o’Tea Thanks. LOL at “The fun will never begin.”

  75. Prince o' Tea on 3 September 2011, 08:41 said:

    Ten more books? Gloria Tesch really needs to stop talking about things before they are anywhere near happening…

    Remember when her Twitter account was full of statements saying “Maradonia Adventure Park (MAP) under development”? Her parents saying “Sure pumpkin, whatever you want!” does not count as “under development”

    Also to be fair, at least Gloria isn’t saying “With fifteen years, Gloria has written three books. With ten years she began to write her Maradonia Saga.” With ten years, with fifteen years, with sixteen years. Write “At the age of fifteen” or something, Glowie.

  76. BettyCross on 3 September 2011, 08:51 said:

    “With ten years” sounds like German immigrant dialect. “Greet her for me” is the same. I know from hearing her recordings that she doesn’t speak with what you’d call a “German accent,” but she clearly picked up this expressions in the family.

  77. LoneWolf on 3 September 2011, 10:34 said:

    On the other hand, there’re some Russian-sounding mistakes in her English, like considering “cherubim” to be singular, and writing “anonym” instead of “anonymous” (she did all this in one of her newsletters).

  78. Prince o' Tea on 3 September 2011, 15:48 said:

    Her mother is russian, I believe (her maiden name was Terkulova).

  79. BettyCross on 3 September 2011, 19:51 said:

    Yes, her illustration credit in “Bridges” and “Ophir” is Marina Terkulova Tesch.

  80. Prince o' Tea on 3 September 2011, 21:19 said:

    I feel like writing the Tesches a very strong letter pointing out how their coddling is actually humiliating their daughter and is ruining any chance she has to improve her writing ability and create something… actually worth reading. Gloria is only a kid (an extremely immature arrogant kid, but still a kid) but her parents need to wake up and smell the coffee. They are destroying their daughter’s potential.

  81. Prince o' Tea on 3 September 2011, 21:20 said:

    I’ll send it in an email though. An email is less likely to freak them out then an actual letter.

  82. BettyCross on 4 September 2011, 07:43 said:

    @Prince, it’s worth a try.

  83. Vikingboybilly on 4 September 2011, 08:19 said:

    Gloria is only a kid (an extremely immature arrogant kid, but still a kid) but her parents need to wake up and smell the coffee. They are destroying their daughter’s potential.

    Destroying her potential? If she ‘improved’ her writing, and didn’t include all the (germanic?) idioms, we’d be left without the lullz and I wouldn’t even know this site existed.

  84. Prince o' Tea on 4 September 2011, 12:24 said:

    Well she does have potential, since she wrote a book. A crappy, cliche’d, fantasy novel with horrific amounts of padding, but she has to enjoy writing somewhat to do it, rather then say wanting to be a lingerie model or a pop star or a reality tv contestant (all of which are much easier routes to some level of fame. Gloria herself is rather pretty, so it would be fairly easy for her to coast by on her looks if she chose one of those much easier routes to 15 minutes of shame.) After all JK Rowling is world famous, but teh gossip magazines aren’t especially interested in going through her garbage to see if she’s had any extra marital affairs, the way they are obsessed with say, Brad Pitt or even that promiscuous beehive wearing sasquatch from Jersey Shore.

    The thing is, most creative children write crappy stories when they were her age, I know I did. Instead of encouraging her to take a few writing classes and hone her ability, her parents threw all their money at what someone else on here has described as her “literary toilet training.” There’s a big difference between drowning your child’s first attempts under a sea of red ink, and throwing it straight into the arena were it will be judged for what it is, rather then who wrote it. The part one is extremely heavy handed, but sadly it is actually much better for the child in the long run then the latter.

    Yes no one likes to be told that what they have done can be improved and isn’t fine the way it is, but if you are a creative, you just have to suck it up and either improve it, or try to make the next one better.

    Gloria is like Chris Chan in that she does have a habit of bringing it herself and is very good at destroying any sympathy you might have for them (her age and his autism), but they are the products of excessive coddling and spoiling by their parents, and that is why niether of them look like they are ever going to take any responsibility for their actions.

  85. Vikingboybilly on 4 September 2011, 15:11 said:

    Why are so many people here saying she’s attractive? I thought it was humorous hyperbole at first, but PrinceO’Tea’s latest post seems genuine. Gloria looks plain to me. She has those photoshopped glamour shots of herself with her hair changed to platinum blonde, but that’s not the real gloria.

    To iterate:
    Fake Gloria:

    Real Gloria:

  86. BettyCross on 4 September 2011, 18:09 said:

    Your mileage may vary. I happen to think she’s reasonably good looking, as if it matters. On the other hand, I would never wear a leopard skin skirt with a penstriped blouse. Way too “busy.”

  87. Prince o' Tea on 4 September 2011, 18:18 said:

    Well she’s not my type at all (even if she was older), but I think she’s very good looking. Hardly the next Helen of Troy, but certainly above average attractiveness.

    I also think the below picture is better looking then the fake Gloria in the banner, where she looks like a serial killer. Like she’s going to get a woman to go into a boobytrapped greenhouse where she will be killed by falling glass, while Gloria watches whilst eating an apple. (Anyone who gets the melodramatic reference gets a cookie.)

  88. Fireshark on 4 September 2011, 18:55 said:

    http://911editing.org/default.aspx

    Gloria’s editor’s site.

    Says she is writing a novel.

  89. BettyCross on 4 September 2011, 20:02 said:

    I find it hard to believe that “Bridges” and “Ophir” passed through the hands of a professional editor. Sometimes I think Ms. Delaire owed Papa Tesch $500 and he let her off if she’d write a review of his daughter’s novels stuff.

  90. Prince o' Tea on 4 September 2011, 20:47 said:

    I remember being genuinely surprised that Leah Dellaire was not fabricated, and that 911 Editing actually existed at one point. Since she talks like a Gloria Tesch press release, I thought she was just one of Gloria’s favorite sockpuppets.

    I really don’t think Leah was a professional editor, anymore then Gloria is the world’s youngest novelist.

  91. BettyCross on 4 September 2011, 20:55 said:

    Since she talks like a Gloria Tesch press release

    If that’s the case, no part of Leah’s feedback came from Leah except the use of her name.

  92. Vikingboybilly on 5 September 2011, 08:43 said:

    Guess what, everybody? Gloria can fire a bow and arrow! Yup, she’s a real markswoman.

    http://gloriatesch.wordpress.com/2011/09/05/so-i-just-learned-archery/

    This would seemingly be a harmless, personal video vlogging her life and not flaunting her ego, BUT OF COURSE, nothing Gloria Tesch plasters on the net without slapping WWW.MARADIONIA.COM at the end of the video =)

    And it seems the Tesches (or at least Gloria herself) have changed their minds about the book trailer, decided it’s not a parody anymore and put it back on youtube.

    http://gloriatesch.wordpress.com/2011/09/05/maradonia-book-trailer/

  93. Prince o' Tea on 5 September 2011, 09:11 said:

    Its obvious she’s given up trying to delete it since every troll and their grendel’s mother has a copy.

    Still firing a bow and arrow is pretty cool. I’d like to take up archery as a hobby. It would be nice if her entire life wasn’t about promoting her extremely poorly received fantasy novels.

  94. Prince o' Tea on 5 September 2011, 09:15 said:

    Wait, I don’t really understand… she just learned it, but she’s a pro now? I suppose she’s like her Mary Sue characters, in that she can become a master of something in one fifteen minute lesson. It is also pretty odd we don’t get to see where her arrows have landed on their targets.

    Still, even though the pointless logos are almost as long as the actual video, it is nice to see she’s picking up a pretty interesting hobby.

  95. BettyCross on 5 September 2011, 11:33 said:

    It is also pretty odd we don’t get to see where her arrows have landed on their targets.

    I noticed that too. All we know for sure is that she can nock and arrow, pull the string, and let the arrow fly.

  96. BettyCross on 5 September 2011, 12:46 said:

    In mediaeval times it took two years to train a skilled bowman, but a crossbowman can be trained in two weeks. This is why the crossbow replaced the bow in European warfare for about 200 years.

  97. BettyCross on 5 September 2011, 15:26 said:

    Gloria’s doing writer’s research in archery. In Law of the Kra p, Maya will become the Susan Pevensey of Maradonia.

  98. Fireshark on 5 September 2011, 16:54 said:

    Is she even aiming at anything?

  99. Prince o' Tea on 5 September 2011, 19:13 said:

    Probably not, that’s why she never shows any targets. Besides, that would take time away from the opening and ending, just in case you forgot that this was GLORIA TESCH, author of THE MARADONIA SAGA.

  100. Vikingboybilly on 5 September 2011, 21:15 said:

    100th post.

    I wanted to add something to make this post useful, but I can’t. I’m just being a big jerk and nabbing the 100th post, BECAUSE 100 POSTS IN A THREAD ABOUT MARADONIA IS ‘virtuous’ and the signs of ‘leaders’ and not ‘video gamers’

  101. Prince o' Tea on 5 September 2011, 22:33 said:

    Mazel tov, Viking! Mazel tov!

  102. BettyCross on 6 September 2011, 03:57 said:

    100 POSTS IN A THREAD ABOUT MARADONIA IS ‘virtuous’ and the signs of ‘leaders’ and not ‘video gamers’

    Besides, it’s such great fun.

  103. Fell Blade on 6 September 2011, 08:41 said:

    I don’t know if this has been pointed out yet, so I’m just gonna throw it out there. But I was reading the Bible a few nights ago and suddenly realized where Gloria got the title for this novel.

    1 Kings 22:48
    “Now Jehoshaphat built a fleet of trading ships to go to Ophir for gold, but they never set sail—they were wrecked at Ezion Geber.”

    Apparently the gold of Ophir was the purest, best quality gold at that time, and also pretty rare and expensive. Although if Gloria really wanted to rip off 1 Kings, the trade ships never actually made it to Ophir, so there wouldn’t be any gold in the wreckage, even if you could get to it.

  104. swenson on 6 September 2011, 11:23 said:

    Ah, I’ve been meaning to mention that for a while! The gold of Ophir is mentioned quite a few times in the Bible as being very high quality—I think it comes up in the Psalms a few times as well. But yeah, obviously Gloria didn’t look much farther than using the name.

  105. Fell Blade on 14 September 2011, 13:06 said:

    Has anyone looked at the “Reviews” section of Gloria’s blog? Aside from the two reviews that are on her website, there are a lot of comments from random people praising her books (not comments in about the blog, but additional comments within the Review section that Gloria posted). I’m wondering how many of these are real, and of those how many were written by family/close friends of Tesch. It’s really crazy to read what they say, though.

  106. BettyCross on 14 September 2011, 13:30 said:

    http://gloriatesch.wordpress.com/reviews/

    I suspect most of these are made up. They just rave, rave, rave. Robert Stanek would be so proud.

  107. Prince o' Tea on 14 September 2011, 22:20 said:

    Yeah any book that is praised as holding “the meaning of life” or “isn’t just a book, but a lifestyle” usually has alarm bells ringing in my head. Not to mention a bit of rising bile too.
    More Maradonia sporkings plz, its been too long.

  108. BettyCross on 15 September 2011, 07:19 said:

    Yeah any book that is praised as holding “the meaning of life” or “isn’t just a book, but a lifestyle” usually has alarm bells ringing in my head.

    It’s a lifestyle for Gloria.

  109. Prince o' Tea on 15 September 2011, 09:32 said:

    It’s more of a one family cult for Gloria.

  110. Fell Blade on 15 September 2011, 10:00 said:

    Haha, true. It’s no wonder Gloria thinks she has crowds of raving fans…

  111. BettyCross on 15 September 2011, 19:07 said:

    Somebody needs to awaken Rorschach from his coma. It’s been 3 weeks since there was any fresh meat from Gloria’s shop of butchered fantasy motifs.

  112. Vikingboybilly on 15 September 2011, 21:10 said:

    I think he was busy sporking Crabs: The human sacrifice. It’s done now, no worries.

    But yeesh, give the man a break. What do you think it was that put him in a coma in the first place?

  113. Licht on 15 September 2011, 22:51 said:

    Apple or spindle?

  114. Vikingboybilly on 16 September 2011, 20:40 said:

    I didn’t even catch the reference the first time I read that today, until I coincidentally watched Snow White and Sleeping Beauty on youtube, came back and read it again.

    If you made a princess read Maradonia, not even a kiss from a handsome prince could wake her up from the coma-inducing brick she suffered.