Chapter Thirty-Five – Tracks in the Sand

They decide that they need a bigger boat because there isn’t enough room in their boat for them and the box of treasure. Weintraub goes to fetch the assassin’s boat – you know, the one that he pushed away so the assassins could not reach it? Yeah, he goes swimming over to get it. Through shark-filled waters. Waters filled with blood of the assassin that was just torn to pieces. By the sharks. Tesch tries to handwave it by saying that Weintraub was used to sharks and that it was ‘very dangerous’ but seriously? Come on, Tesch.

As they row ashore they pass Candice’s corpse, floating along. Apparently the sharks haven’t found her yet. They reach the shore and it starts to rain.

General Goran stood on top of one of the sand dunes and was ready to curse the rain but he was a man from the Valley of Imma with great respect for nature (page 332).

So….uh…what, he doesn’t curse the rain? Because of his great respect for nature? And if he doesn’t, why not SAY that he doesn’t? For that matter, how does respecting nature and being pissed it’s raining on you correlate?

They find some tracks in the sand and Goran sends some soldiers to follow the tracks.

This search troop followed the wagon tracks for miles through the desert and found at a certain area two talents of gold sticking out of the sand. For them, that was a clear sign that the Gold of Ophir must have been hidden in the sand of the desert, somewhere in that area (page 334).

Okay. I’m reasonably certain Tesch doesn’t know what a talent is. It’s a unit of measurement. This is like writing that they found 116 kilograms of gold sticking up out of the sand. Which…okay, maybe that’s true. Maybe the people who stole the gold just dumped some gold coins or bars down on the ground, didn’t put them inside chests or anything. Plus, they buried them so shallowly that a tiny bit of wind could uncover them. That’s likely, right? I mean, who is careful when hiding something as worthless as gold?

Goran thinks the gold might have been accidentally dropped. Which I’m not really buying. Here’s why. Let’s assume she’s using the Old Testament talent, since Tesch is into Bible plagiarism. We’re talking about approximately two hundred and sixty pounds of gold here. In 2011 USD, that is $6,169,658.97. OVER SIX MILLION DOLLARS. You don’t just “accidentally drop” 260 pounds of gold that’s worth $6 million. That doesn’t ‘just happen’. You’re an idiot, Goran.

Joey has a theory, though, which he explains to Maya. He thinks that the gold in the desert is a decoy – the tracks are there to send people out into the desert to constantly search for the gold and throw them off the trail. He suspects that the gold is actually on other ships harbored somewhere. Credit where credit is due: this does kinda make sense. If you have a couple hundred million in gold, you might waste six of it in throwing your pursuers off the track.

Maya, however, is too tired to pay attention and tells Joey she can’t listen to him tonight. Which is fortunate, because none of this is particularly important or time-sensitive.

Chapter Thirty-Six – The Ambush

I wonder if someone is getting ambushed in this chapter.

The picture here is of a stone gate with an arch of plants and trees. It’s actually really well-drawn, so well done, Mrs. Tesch.

They meet up with Captain Henry and Maya takes his hand and tells him he did a great job. Well. Let’s see. He got stabbed by a woman. A civilian, no less, and he is supposedly a trained soldier. Then he slashed her throat open, leaving her dead, and unable to be questioned. Eh, maybe Maya’s just being comforting.

Coleman sends out the fuzz and they find Ginger hiding under the sofa, because Ginger was dumb enough to go HOME after being identified as a traitor. They bring her in and question her, and then send her to Selinka.

Everyone sits around and talks about the gold that they found in the desert and the best way to go out and find the rest of it, and nobody seems really interested in what Maya and Joey found or did or their opinions….despite the fact that they found an entire chest of gold. Okay, listen, Tesch. Have it one way, have it the other, you have to keep things consistent. You have spent PAGES telling us about how powerful, popular, prophetic, and pretty these two idiots are. How they’re the Prince and Princess of Maradonia, Genarius’ adopted family and potential heirs. Why the fuck don’t they…I dunno, SPEAK UP? They haven’t been this reticent about sharing their opinions in the past, why start now?

Turns out that someone is too talkative so it gets out to the public that gold was found and next thing they know hundreds of people are heading out into the desert with shovels. Meanwhile, Snowblitz meets up with Inspector Coleman. Snowblitz is nervous because Ginger was captured, but Coleman tells him to tell Joey to meet Coleman out in the garden by the fountain. Snowblitz does so. Joey is instantly suspicious, because he’s the Hero, and he never makes mistakes. He instantly realizes the area that Coleman is talking about is perfect for an ambush, because Joey has spent time wandering through the gardens growing familiar with all the nooks and crannies – oh wait, never mind, he hasn’t. Anyway. Ambush. Joey thinks:

“They are after the Key to the Underworld! Maya told me about their ambitions and I can smell the weasels.” (page 342)


Joey angsts about what he should do and wishes Libertine were there to tell him what to do. Eventually he decides to go and sticks the Key into the back of his pants. When he arrives, the omniscient narrator tell us that Joey wasn’t aware of the eyes watching him. Then someone starts talking. They talk for a page and a half, and Tesch never tells us who it is. It’s not until Joey finally responds that we realize Coleman has even entered the scene.

Anyway, Coleman says he needs to confiscate Joey’s backpack because he’s heard Joey has stolen property and a weapon that could harm the country. Joey laughs it off and reveals that he knows about Coleman’s desire to live on the sunny side of life [seriously?] and his deal with Snowblitz and that Coleman is just out for himself. He informs Coleman that he doesn’t stand a chance and that Coleman should go home, enjoy his life and family, smell the aroma of the honey bees…wait… what? Smell the aroma of BEES? Uh…bees don’t have an aroma…

Coleman isn’t buying it, and he orders his men to take Joey. Snowblitz and a cop leap out to grab him. Joey whips out the Key, presses the button, and fries all three of them. Their eyes and tongues melt in their sockets and then they vaporize leaving a black dust spot. And Joey suddenly realizes the full power of the Key to the Underworld. Which he didn’t realize those times he set the forest on fire. Or killed a bunch of birds. Or blew up THREE ENORMOUS SPACESHIPS.

Joey freaks out a bit. Meanwhile, three shadows look at him, and realize that Joey is the One, the coming ruler. Wonderful.

Joey cries for a bit, thinks about home, and thinks about what Oraculus said to him regarding the Key.

Chapter Thirty-Seven – Accused of Fraud

I wonder if someone will be accused of fraud in this chapter?

So apparently people are mad at King Genarius and accusing him of all the political assassinations, the theft of the Gold of Ophir, and various shenanigans. Judge Kingston is listening to complaints and says they’re invalid, but he’s going to give the accusers a chance to have their say before the Senate. This takes place. Meanwhile, Felipe (the traitor) and his cohorts are in the backs, smirking.

Tesch throws in a ‘And so it was…’ and suddenly some people arrive, under guard, to bear witness. Two of them are the survivors from the ships (that Maya and Joey met) and the last one is Ginger. Ginger is called up, and she confesses that she and Candice were working together to sink the fake ships filled with stones. Candice also assassinated some people and tried to have Maya and Joey poisoned. She also explains that Felipe is a traitor and is hoping to get Genarius’ crown and become the king.

Felipe jumps up, outraged, and demands that Ginger be silenced because she’s obviously a whore. Kingston overrules him and says they’re going to listen to what Ginger has to say. Ginger finishes up her story and then the two survivors come up and explain what happened to them. While this happens, all of Genarius’ accusers begin slipping out of the room, one by one, including Felipe and his friends, until they’re all gone…which is just what Judge Kingston expected.

Great. So let the traitor just walk free after someone fingers him. Brilliant plan.

Chapter Thirty-Eight – Message from the Dragons

Joey and Maya talk about where all the gold has gone. They can’t figure it out. It turns out that 1,500 talents of gold is missing. Which is…well, that’s a lot. That’s 195,000 pounds of gold. That’s $4.5 TRILLION worth in 2011 money.

The governor is annoyed because he can’t find Coleman or Snowblitz. Oh! So Joey didn’t bother telling anyone that they were traitors and he executed them via flamethrower? My, what an interesting turn of events!

They ask people about the dragons which are apparently flying around and learn that the dragons are from nearby Tyronia. But wouldn’t you know it, just as they’re talking about the dragons, three of them swoop down and land in the garden. Maya is excited because she thought that dragons were extinct. Uh…why? You’re in Maradonia. You have magical powers, unicorns, mermaids, and you ALREADY SAW THE FUCKING DRAGONS FLYING AROUND A FEW CHAPTERS AGO WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

The dragons introduce themselves – Tarakann, Dasha, and Emoogie – and explain that Abbadon has attacked and killed a couple of their princess, destroyed a third of their dragon armies, and killed ten thousand soldiers. Anyway, blah blah, their king is dying and he wants to see Maya and Joey before he pops off and after they saw what Joey did in the garden they were all sounds good to us and now they want to take them to the Land of Tyronia. Whoo! Sounds like another pointless side quest! But this time, with dragons!

Joey turns them down, though, and explains that they have a job to do: they have to help Genarius squash the rebellion and stop the assassinations. Tarakann says he understands, however, the dragons are more than happy to fly them around so they can accomplish all of that much faster…if they’ll first come to Tyronia. The Encouragers agree, as long as they can take some people with them, who turn out to be Captain Henry, Danny, Goran, and Goran’s adviser, Edmund. The dragons agree. Tesch throws in a ‘And so it was…’, they climb aboard the dragons and take off.

Governor Fernando Dela Concho looks up at Maya and Joey and dramatically delivers a quote:

“I learned something from Maya and Joey… There is nothing in the world so great and powerful that you cannot turn it around.” (page 364)

I have no idea what that means.

Drinks: 36

If you enjoyed this sporking, feel free to check out my website at – including my very first movie recap!

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  1. Ridureyu on 30 July 2011, 16:11 said:

    Emoogie? Really?

  2. BettyCross on 30 July 2011, 16:29 said:

    Dragon riders. Ya gotta have dragon riders in fantasy now, because that Italian dude from Montana has dragon riders.

    Hey, Chris Paolini, have you got a girlfriend? If not, I know this cute blonde chick in Florida who would be perfect for you.

  3. BettyCross on 30 July 2011, 16:32 said:


    She still has no editor, and she still writes only one draft of each book.

  4. VikingBoyBilly on 30 July 2011, 17:28 said:

    Emoogie is the best character in this series.
    He should be the only character.

  5. Requiem on 30 July 2011, 20:23 said:

    So joey is the new ruler of the underworld I guess? He is probably going to join the “club of evil” no doubt.

    Why can’t this story stick to one main goal, the characters go everywhere but they don’t appear to really have a goal. I could be wrong but in every spork it seems like a random adventure for each few chapters.

    Also how in the world do you lose that much gold?

  6. swenson on 30 July 2011, 21:45 said:

    I’m guessing Gloria never actually looked up what a talent is and assumed it’s a small piece of gold, like maybe some coins or gold bars or something. But no, like you said, it’s a pretty hefty amount. (From what I looked up, it seems there’s a variety of places and times with a measurement of a “talent”… but the smallest is still 57 pounds!) You’d think she’d pick up on this when it’s mentioned how incredibly impressive it is that people gave each other enormous gifts of a half-talent or talent of gold or silver. Honestly, just the idea of fifteen hundred talents of gold is mind-boggling.

    Also… Emoogie? Seriously?

    And finally… I can’t remember anymore and I’m too lazy/terrified to go back and look, but what is the whole gold thing about, anyway? Why do they need this gold, whose was it originally, and what are the evul guyz going to do with it anyway?

  7. VikingBoyBilly on 30 July 2011, 22:12 said:

    $6 million in gold may seem like a lot to throw away, but thats just a drop in a bucket when you have it in the trillions (not that Gloria herself kept track, but Rorscach sure did).

  8. LoneWolf on 31 July 2011, 01:18 said:

    “Tarakan” is “Cocroach” in Russian.

    And I like how Gloria gleefully kills off secondary characters, but doesn’t allow anything to harm ‘Maya and Joey the Encouragers’. I bet Gloria thinks that all the deaths in her books show their ‘maturity and darkness’.

    This gold was sent to Maradonia by the King of Ophir, but the ‘Evil Empire’ intercepted it.

  9. Ridureyu on 31 July 2011, 01:22 said:


    I can’t figure it out.

  10. LoneWolf on 31 July 2011, 01:27 said:

    It isn’t difficult to figure it out at all. Most scenes are either: 1)a fight scene with the evil forces, or traitors or 2)random faffing about Maradonia, disguised as exposition.

  11. WulfRitter on 31 July 2011, 02:37 said:

    Actually, Smell the Weasels is the fragrance I just bought at the Estee Lauder counter. It’s weird though – every time I wear it, sleazy old men start following me. Odd.

    And . . . Emoogie? Really? There is a dragon named “Emoogie”? Egads and things on toast. That’s it, when I write my book, I’ll have a dragon named “Snuggabunkins the Randomly Incontinent”.

  12. BettyCross on 31 July 2011, 11:07 said:

    Friday night, I had a dream in which Gloria Tesch appeared, briefly, in person.

    Like many of my dreams, I was back in college. I was in some college, anyway, but it’s never anything like the place where I actually studied. Everybody in the class was assigned to read and critique the same novel – one of the Maradonia books! At the end of the course, our exam was to write an essay critiquing the book.

    Unlike many of my “student” dreams, I wasn’t frantically scribbling away, desperate to finish before the time ran out. This time, I finished at least a half hour before the end of the exam period. The professor urged me to be sure and come back at the end of the exam period, because we would have a special visitor. So I went out and got a soda or something, and came back in at the very end of the exam hour.

    You already know who the visitor was. Gloria Tesch, smiling and personable, was sitting in one of the desks, not saying anything. The rest of the students and I didn’t say anything either. We just looked back at her, trying to think of something to say.

    Anyway, all you amateur psychologists make of it what you will. As for me, I find it a little bit troubling that Gloria Tesch is important enough to me to appear in my dreams.

  13. Prince o' Tea on 31 July 2011, 11:43 said:

    Funny that’s the first time Gloria used the word “talent” without referring to herself, isn’t it?

    Emoogie is pretty bad, but considering I though the dragons would have names like Popoo, Wewee and Pennis, it’s an improvement.

    Poor Ginger, she was probably counting on Maradonia’s police force as being as retarded as the rest of the population, and being too stupid to find her Cunning Hiding Place.

    Also… not only were the assasains torn apart by the sharks, but Candice had the artery in her throat ripped open. The woman should be floating in a massive cloud of blood, and the hammerheads still haven’t found her yet? “Sharks can smell a drop of blood in the ocean from miles away” is the kind of fact you find printed on the children’s menu of seafood restaraunts.

  14. gervasium on 31 July 2011, 17:24 said:

    “I learned something from Maya and Joey… There is nothing in the world so great and powerful that you cannot turn it around.” (page 364)

    That’s so… deep. I think I might be crying.

  15. LoneWolf on 31 July 2011, 17:47 said:

    Exactly. Unlike many ‘Fantasy Books for Mass Market’ Gloria’s books place emphasis on Creativity and Morality. Maya and Joey are moral and virtuous:

    Words, which told the Encouragers’ desperate struggle
    With the mighty and powerful Apollyon
    Sanitized the souls with virtue and honor
    From Alaska to Congo, New York to Ceylon.

  16. Costanza on 31 July 2011, 20:39 said:

    Fernando Dela Concho? Really? I feel like Tesch wanted to write fantasy, science fiction, adventure, mystery, horror and Hispanic beach stories so she threw them ALL into one shitty book.

    And I’m guessing she never sounds out her names either. Just writes them, thinks the letters look cool, and moves on.

  17. Licht on 1 August 2011, 00:04 said:

    I would really like to know how Gloria herself views her work by now… I mean… she should be older now (if not necessarilly wiser).

  18. Emanon on 1 August 2011, 05:47 said:

    Album: Melting Eyes
    Genre: Rap Metal / Rap Rock
    Artist: Goran and the Talents

    1. Blood Sharks
    2. Curse the Rain
    3. Six Million in the Sand
    4. Key in the Back of My Pants
    5. Joey Has the Power
    6. Aroma of Bees
    7. Ginger the Whore
    8. The Great and Powerful

  19. BettyCross on 1 August 2011, 08:36 said:

    I would really like to know how Gloria herself views her work by now… I mean… she should be older now (if not necessarily wiser).

    If she was embarrassed by them, she’d take them off the market. She hasn’t done that, so as far as I know she hasn’t wised up.

    It may come in time. She turned 17 in April. I was 18 when I threw away my first novel (written at age 16) with shame and disgust.

  20. Licht on 1 August 2011, 08:46 said:

    It’s not just that. (Though I’d love to eavesdrop when she realizes how bad her precious work of genius really is.)

    But I’d really like to know what she thinks about her characters. Does she really think Maya and Joey are “heroes” or “encouraging”? Does she really think her villains are… evil and… frightening?

    Or about her writing in general. What it means to her, how she writes, what she wants to tell people… Stuff like that.

  21. LoneWolf on 1 August 2011, 09:26 said:

    It’s hard to say that about her. There’s a transcript of her very awkward interview on the radio where she says that she “never took being a novelist all that seriously” and encourages writers not to make many revisions. On the other hand, her newsletter says that “there’s no success without commitment” and she presents herself as the “author of the Maradonia-Saga”.

    She definitely wants to be didactic, though, what’s with the fortune cookie wisdom,

  22. VikingBoyBilly on 1 August 2011, 09:49 said:

    Is the empire of evil still looking for them out in the real world and killing innocent people in florida or what? Do Maya and Joey still care?

  23. BettyCross on 1 August 2011, 10:30 said:

    encourages writers not to make many revisions.

    Her aversion to revision shows in her work. Both “Bridges” and “Ophir,” judging from extensive quotations in the sporkings, read to me like unedited first drafts.

    I recently had a novel accepted for publication after six drafts. It’ll go through a seventh after my publisher assigns me an editor.

    My first novel, Discarded Faces, went through twelve drafts before I lost count, but I estimate there were at least 15 of them. Writing it was a long apprenticeship for me. It took two decades, working off and on. But I had to do it, because I was determined to get the thing finished. My first draft, to be honest, wasn’t much better than Gloria’s stuff.

  24. BettyCross on 1 August 2011, 10:31 said:

    She definitely wants to be didactic, though, what’s with the fortune cookie wisdom,

    She thinks that “fortune cookie wisdom” is wisdom.

  25. LoneWolf on 1 August 2011, 10:40 said:

    Is the empire of evil still looking for them out in the real world and killing innocent people in florida or what? Do Maya and Joey still care?

    Well, since Candice the traitor in service of Apollyon was involved in a plot to kill Maya and Joey in Maradonia, I assume that the ‘Evil Empire’ already knows about the Encouragers’ whereabouts.

  26. lookingforme on 1 August 2011, 10:43 said:

    I have to say, Emoogie sounds like an adorable name :D

  27. LoneWolf on 1 August 2011, 10:52 said:

    I recall that Dragon High Priest Emoogie was already mentioned.

    Anyway, I can’t wait to see Tesch’s Dragon Riders. Paolini, step away! A new wonderful young author had taken your place!

  28. BettyCross on 1 August 2011, 13:56 said:

    Paolini, step away! A new wonderful young author had taken your place!

    Paolini is a better writer than Gloria is. Granted, that’s setting the bar very, very low.

  29. LoneWolf on 1 August 2011, 16:29 said:

    In fact, the main issue that separates “Maradonia” from “Eye of Argon” is didacticism. “Argon” didn’t attempt to teach any wholesome morals, just tell an adventure yarn. Gloria, on the other hand, is amusingly moralistic.

  30. Thea on 1 August 2011, 18:58 said:

    “Emoogie” very nearly made me laugh out loud in my very quiet office.

    That would have gone over well.

  31. Prince o' Tea on 1 August 2011, 21:33 said:

    Why should I be revising and editing, when I could push my books out and reap the praise as a child prodigy? I’m basically JRR Tolkein. Drafts are for the little people.

  32. BettyCross on 2 August 2011, 08:04 said:

    I’m basically JRR Tolkein.

    It took Tolkien more than a decade to write Lord of the Rings. It went through many drafts. Some of the earlier drafts have been published, so aficionados of his work can see how it changed along the way.

    Drafts are for the little people.

    Revision is for hobbits and elves?

  33. Prince o' Tea on 2 August 2011, 10:27 said:

    No, for the “Video Gamers” and “Consumerists”

  34. BettyCross on 2 August 2011, 12:45 said:

    No, for the “Video Gamers” and “Consumerists”

    And for people who take novel writing more seriously than Gloria Tesch does. I agree with those who have said she wants to be a celebrity, not an author. “World’s youngest novelist” is just a gimmick.

    She’s already not the world’s youngest novelist, but as I’ve said before, she still have plenty of time to be a better one.

  35. Licht on 2 August 2011, 14:42 said:

    That’s why I agree with those who have said that she should really try something else.
    I don’t think she would like being an author, as in “published by a real publisher” and “having to revise”.
    I mean, that’s when I throw and break stuff and yell and curse and cry and whine and laugh hysterically… a lot. What then would she do?

  36. VikingBoyBilly on 2 August 2011, 20:16 said:

    she’d get more vanity publishing and start writing the 4th.. 7th… 9th… whatever book in the maradonia saga she’s in-process of writing (I really hope she stops at Battle for the Key)

  37. LoneWolf on 3 August 2011, 05:02 said:

    I agree that she, at least, should stop at the final book of her “six-book trilogy” and start writing about something else. But she, apparently, ‘has a pretty clear concept for at least ten books in the Maradonia-saga’. Let’s hope these were just empty words.

  38. BettyCross on 3 August 2011, 14:18 said:

    But she, apparently, ‘has a pretty clear concept for at least ten books in the Maradonia-saga’. Let’s hope these were just empty words.

    I have no objection to Gloria Tesch writing more books. I just wish she’d read some more novels first, especially in Young Adult and Fantasy genres, so she’ll have some idea what works and what does not. However, I don’t hold out much hope that she will. She first has to recognize the low quality of what she’s written so far. She show no sign of recognizing that.

  39. Prince o' Tea on 4 August 2011, 06:40 said:

    I imagine her in twenty years time.

    “Gloria Tesch, The World’s Youngest 35 year old Novelist”
    Out of all the authors aged 35, she’s the youngest.

  40. LoneWolf on 4 August 2011, 12:50 said:

    She probably thinks of “World’s Youngest Novelist” as a title – once gained, never abrogated.

  41. Licht on 4 August 2011, 14:04 said:

    Wasn’t there something about Paolini and the book of word records? She will have to knock him out then.

  42. BettyCross on 4 August 2011, 17:49 said:

    Wasn’t there something about Paolini and the book of word records? She will have to knock him out then.

    I thought Nancy Yi Fang had them both beat.

  43. Prince o' Tea on 4 August 2011, 19:11 said:

    A six year old wrote a book about his toys, and a three year old girl supposedly wrote a book too.

    The Glorious Gloria of course, does not acknowledge the existence of these pint sized pretenders to the throne, judging from her silence when asked about them. Nancy Yi Fan, as well know, did not “win the battle of the pages” and therefore is not a novelist. According to Gloria.

    Though I wonder, now that she’s split her “novels” into two, and you take into account her little tricks such as illustration splashes and gigantic font and spacing, how many pages does each “novel” actually have now, since she has halved each one?

  44. BettyCross on 4 August 2011, 21:10 said:

    Recently she’s been calling herself “one of the youngest novelists,” and she certainly is one of them, if you’re willing to accept that her awful books are novels.

  45. Prince o' Tea on 4 August 2011, 21:24 said:

    No. She calls herself “The youngest or one of the world’s youngest novelist”. No plural. Several times (unless she has finally gotten around to correcting it, along with “Gloria crafts her stories with diligent and talent”, something that took her a long time.)

    I would say no, because she is still unpublished. Even if she was “one of the world’s youngest novelists” is an incredibly vague way of putting it, as I am sure you can still count for that kind of wording until you are in your late twenties (which is still quite young for a writer). Plus, “youngest or world’s youngest” is her way of putting it so people are less likely to call her out for still clinging to the delusion that she is, the world’s youngest novelist (despite being neither the youngest nor published).

  46. Fireshark on 5 August 2011, 02:56 said:

    Hey, been reading and loving these sporkings! I almost wish for copies of the whole series, but I’d never want to feed Tesch’s ego and buy them.

    Also, what’s the running joke about video games?

  47. LoneWolf on 5 August 2011, 04:37 said:

    In one of her newsletters, Tesch unfavourably compared ‘Readers’ with the ‘Video Gamers’.

  48. Licht on 5 August 2011, 04:41 said:

    Quote: “Guinness World Records officially recognized Christopher Paolini as the ‘Youngest Author of a Bestselling Book Series’”

    Gtesch needs to be a bit more creative. Something like… ‘Youngest blonde girl self-published author with the name Gloria’ or something.

    And of course Video Gamers don’t know what a book is and are generally stupid.

  49. Prince o' Tea on 5 August 2011, 15:24 said:

    In one of her newsletters, she said anyone who didn’t like her book was a “videogamer” because video gamers never read, and are clearly too stupid to comprehend her masterpiece. “They picked up my book and returned it to the shelf!” Gloria snitted in one of her newsletters “Like it was an alien object!” She then said everyone who did liked her book was a “reader”.

    I’m actually surprised this girl’s ego hasn’t pushed the planet further from the sun.

    Licht: Watch this space! You know that will be her title soon enough.

  50. vikingboybilly on 5 August 2011, 20:28 said:

    I thought she was talking about the ‘video gamers’ passively, but she actually thinks everybody who passed by her book signing or was sane enough to put her book back on the shelf was a ‘video gamer’?

    Someone should shove a text-adventure game like Zork in her face and see if she explodes from the abhorrent paradox of a video game where there’s nothing else but reading.

  51. Prince o' Tea on 5 August 2011, 20:32 said:

    Yes, she actually does.
    Extremely arrogant, but that kind of terminology shows how sheltered she is, if she thinks people can clearly be defined by mommy and daddy’s neat little catorgories. It reminds me of those creepy kids that Daria had to babysit:
    “Sugar is bad!” “Sugar rots your teeth!” “Hitler ate sugar!” Her parents have probably told her that anyone who does so much as borrow a friend’s DS to play Mario Party will end up shooting up their school.

  52. BettyCross on 5 August 2011, 20:39 said:

    It reminds me of those creepy kids that Daria had to babysit: “Sugar is bad!” “Sugar rots your teeth!” “Hitler ate sugar!”

    Another Daria fan! Prince o’Tea, I salute you, my brother!

  53. VikingBoyBilly on 6 August 2011, 08:31 said:

    She’s selling T-shirts for $29.95?
    That’s $5.00 more expensive than her overpriced books. And posters? Presumably with Marina Tesch’s art?

    “Seven Bridges (#P11), Gold of Ophir (#P12), New Maradonia Map (#P13), King Apollyon (#P14), Maya and the Dragon (#P15), The Diamond Crystals (#P16), The Warrior Queen (#P17), The Battle Eagle (#P18)”

    I can’t help but notice it’s a ‘New’ Maradonia map. Did she re-draw it when she noticed it had geographic inconsistencies with the book? Or did she just put north facing upwards this time?

    I hope “Maya and the Dragon” is Emoogie.

  54. BettyCross on 6 August 2011, 12:16 said:

    Fellow imps, I’ve made a discovery. I took the city, state and zip code from the order form in the Glory Mag link and searched on Google Maps. What did a search for “Tarpon Springs FL 34688” lead me to?

    Google maps pointed to “Moody Bible Institute / Regional” as the location of that zip code. Moody Bible Institute is a religious school headquartered in Chicago, IL, but it has regional campuses. Tarpon Springs has one of the regional campuses. Gloria’s pop, Dr. Gerry Tesch, is said to be a professor. We can now make a very sound guess as to where he teaches.

    The Google Maps result has an “Explore this area” feature on the left side, including a picture of a forest scene in Brooker Creek State Park. The photo looks a lot like the background scene in that Maradonia movie sequence, the one that shows a rider galloping through a forest.

    I may not be the first person to figure this out, but now we know where her dad teaches and where the forest scenes were filmed.

  55. Fireshark on 6 August 2011, 13:18 said:

    Well, now I know how to waste my days. Consider the Maradonia interactive fiction game a ‘Work In Progress.’

  56. Fireshark on 6 August 2011, 17:11 said:

    Well, I just thought of how to waste some time. Maradonia interactive fiction game is now a ‘work in progress.’

  57. Fireshark on 6 August 2011, 17:12 said:

    Damn double post, my first comment was invisible to me.

  58. Prince o' Tea on 6 August 2011, 18:47 said:

    No worries Betty, Daria is awesome! returns the salute

    Actually the posters and the t shirts are other people’s artwork that she has stolen off google images/deviantart and sold as “Official Maradonia Art”. She seems to have removed them off her site, but for a while there were 30 year old women in demonic armor and brunette elf girls posing with dragons who were supposed to be Maya herself. The family is utterly shameless.

  59. Licht on 7 August 2011, 10:58 said:

    No way! Really?!
    Because I’ve been wondering if they just printed the book covers on T-shirts or something…

  60. VikingBoyBilly on 7 August 2011, 11:41 said:

    Ah, I remember a swankivy video about the Tesch’s stealing other people’s art and putting it up on their own deviantart as official Maradonia art. I had no idea they even went as far as selling the stolen artwork.

  61. Prince o' Tea on 7 August 2011, 12:36 said:

    Yes, Gloria who has videos she dislikes removed under copyright claims has stolen other people’s artwork, and sold them as Official Maradonia posters and t shirts. Videos criticizing the author? COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!!! Stealing other people’s artwork, claiming you made them, and selling them for a profit? That’s allrighttttt, kids.

    You can’t buy them off the website anymore, but the orderform is still up, so I’m wondering if you can still buy them with the Glory newsletter.

    Even when you already knew the entire family is utterly shameless, they keep finding new ways to surprise you.

  62. Prince o' Tea on 7 August 2011, 12:51 said:

    Anyone seen any of the more recent Glory Hole newsletters? The most recent I’ve found is the October one, showing that at that point, she was still stolen artwork for 30 dollars a t shirt, and 9 dollars a poster (which was around the time I received a snotty youtube message from her saying all Official Maradonia Artwork was made for the brand, and not stolen. Liar, liar, pages on fire.)

    Oh get this, “all posters are personally signed by Gloria Tesch.” For someone who goes to Bible camp and can whittle off the most obscure references, she seems to be pretty dismissive of the “Thou shalt not steal” thing, doesn’t she?

  63. Prince o' Tea on 7 August 2011, 12:51 said:

  64. Flarehawk on 7 August 2011, 20:06 said:

    “I learned something from Maya and Joey… There is nothing in the world so great and powerful that you cannot turn it around.” (page 364)

    It’s like a fortune cookie vomited all over a mad libs page and died. Excuse me while I go have an aneurysm and pretend this literary tragedy never happened.

  65. Prince o' Tea on 7 August 2011, 20:11 said:

    Let’s not forget Gloria’s personal favorites:
    “Today a reader! Tomorrow a leader!” and “If you don’t want criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be NOTHING!”

  66. fffan on 8 August 2011, 03:49 said:

    Smell the aroma of bees


  67. Licht on 8 August 2011, 07:06 said:

    “Why have we been brought to this totally different world?!”
    “I don’t know Joey… But I believe everything happens for a reason!”

    Does she even read what she writes?

    I mean, she should notice it’s bullshit at the latest when people actually say it out loud and it sounds stupid, shouldn’t she?

    Maybe she should stick to writing comedies? We can’t deny it’s funny. We all know her favorite lines. We all suspect her secretly being a troll…

  68. BettyCross on 8 August 2011, 07:29 said:

    “Why have we been brought to this totally different world?!”

    But Joseph, my boy, it was your idea to jump over that fence and coax your sister into following you.

  69. Licht on 8 August 2011, 16:20 said:

    No, no, no! Wrong! The right answer, my dear, the right answer to everything is: “It’s Fantasy”.

    Something doesn’t make sense – at all? Don’t worry! It’s Fantasy!

    You can’t write worth a darn? Don’t worry! It’s Fantasy!

    You can’t write believable characters or construct a thrilling and consistent storyline? Don’t worry! It’s Fantasy!

    Somehow everything you write turns clichéd, shallow, pathetic and unintentionally funny? Don’t worry! It’s Fantasy!

    The only thing you’re good at is talking in platitudes, and you think readers are generally stupid compared to your genius? That’s right! Don’t worry! It’s Fantasy!

    “It’s Fantasy” Solves all your problems, always. ;)

    gsh… I need to vomit, excuse me.

  70. Prince o' Tea on 8 August 2011, 17:57 said:

    A Wizard wrote it!

  71. BettyCross on 4 November 2011, 09:05 said:

    Emoogie? Really?

    Mystery solved! I’ve found out, quite by accident while browsing RiffTrax, the origin of this name. It’s a type of dragon in Korean folklore.

    Definition here:

    An imoogi is mentioned in the Korean action film Dragon Wars: D-War, which was released in American in 2007. Gloria may have seen this film. This morning I saw a RiffTrax of Dragon Wars, and the little light bulb came on.