Chapter Twenty-Nine – Life is Like a Rose…

I can already tell this chapter is going to be interesting.

Inspector Coleman walks around the rose garden and thinks for a page. It’s not particularly interesting. Essentially, he’s wondering about the disappearance of the ships and how Gertrude and Candace might be involved. The investigation is going nowhere, but coincidentally just then one of his informants shows up with news. The informant saw Mr. Snowblitz talking to Candice and Ginger and relates the conversation.

“I assume it was Candice who broke or grabbed a flower, a rose, and said, ‘Mr. Snowbird…’

‘What? My name is not Snowbird…my name is Snowblitz!’

‘Yes we know… but your codename for us in all of our conversations is Snowbird.’” (page 253)

Someone should tell Gloria Tesch that villains who cannot even remember their code names aren’t particularly frightening.

Anyway, apparently Candice then told Snowblitz to make sure everything went according to plan (although, surprisingly, they didn’t give away what the actual plan was) and closes with a threat:

“Do not even dare to mess up!” (page 254)

Yeah.

The informant takes off and Coleman reflects on what he’s learned about Snowblitz:

“I always though [sic] that the name ‘Snowblitz’ does not quite suit your character! You have more the attitude of a bird, flying from one branch of a tree of opportunity to another one and looking here and there for food.” (page 255)

I’m really not feeling that comparison.

Coleman decides he needs to have a serious chat with Snowblitz.

Chapter Thirty – Codename Snowbird

Maya and Joey get up and have a delicious breakfast:

Joey felt so much better. His life threatening experience during the Basio Cyclone was nearly forgotten and he was ready to move on (page 256).

Yep. All he needed was a good night’s rest and that life-threatening experience is practically forgotten.

Maya and Captain Henry share a Moment, and General Goran gives Maya and Joey a couple bags stuffed full of money, because writing is always easier when you remove all obstacles in the way of the Heroes. Maya heads back to her room but randomly happens to overhear two men whispering about an informant seeing one of them. She then realizes it’s Snowblitz and Coleman [!!!], who head into Coleman’s office. Maya goes and fetches her Tarnkappe and slips into Coleman’s office before he shuts the door.

Coleman explains that Snowblitz was seen meeting Candice, and that of Goran catches even a whiff of Snowblitz being dirty, he’s dead meat. However…if he tells Coleman what’s going on, Coleman will keep it secret. Snowblitz sweats for awhile but eventually pulls out a bottle of snake poison and reveals the plan is to poison Maya and Joey. Coleman tells him that he’s insane and if he actually poisoned Maya and Joey they’d be fucked. He then takes the poison, and tells Snowblitz that he has a job for him: he needs Snowblitz to break into Joey’s room and root through his backpack and find a small metallic object (ostensibly, the Key). Coleman says this is because he thinks the object might be stolen so it’s his duty to investigate it. Snowblitz agrees and takes off.

I guess I should give Tesch some credit for actually introducing a bit of intrigue into the story. But you know what would have been actually good storytelling? Including this scene from someone else’s point of view, so Maya and Joey don’t know exactly what’s coming. Then the reader might actually be concerned that something bad could happen.

Chapter Thirty-One – The Lighthouse Tower

Maya left the building, very concerned about their future (page 265).

AHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Understatement, much?

She finds Joey and tells him to head back to his room and secure his backpack because people want to steal it. Joey immediately takes off and comes back a short while later with his backpack over his shoulders, smiling because nothing was missing.

Um. Okay. Hang on a second. Let me get this straight:

The Key to the Underworld is essentially this story’s One Ring. It’s an immensely powerful object that pretty much every single Evil person in the entire world wants to get their hands on, and while perhaps it’s not as crucial to defeating the Club of Evil as the Ring was to defeating Sauron, it’s still a pretty big deal. If Apollyon were to get his hands on it, it would be a devastating blow to the Good Guys and could easily turn the war against them. Keeping the Key safe should be first on Joey’s list of priorities.

And he leaves it behind? In his backpack? In his unlocked room? Shortly after being EXPLICITLY TOLD THAT THEY HAVE ENEMIES SURROUNDING THEM AND THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO CANNOT BE TRUSTED?

I’m probably starting to sound a bit like a broken record, but the Encouragers are without any real doubt the stupidest fucking heroes I have ever encountered, and I sporked all 10 books in the Seven Sleepers series.

They hop in the carriage and Maya starts explaining that she had a meeting with Snowblitz and Coleman, which makes Joey ask if she really had a meeting with them, which Maya replies “Yes and no”, to which Joey replies…

“Maya, what is this nonsense?” (page 267)

This needs to become my go-to response. Any time something retarded happens, I’ll hit a button that will send an email to Gloria Tesch that just says “Gloria, what is this nonsense?!”

Maya explains the entire situation for Joey’s benefit, and of course Gloria spends a page and a half of Maya telling Joey instead of a one-sentence “Maya told Joey what had happened”.

Eventually they arrive at the harbor and the Encouragers decide to send Captain Henry, Danny (who have both come with them for reasons that aren’t clear) and their security guards to find the Spelunka Tavern while they check out the Lighthouse. Captain Henry enthusiastically agrees that sending Maya and Joey off by themselves without a single armed guard is a brilliant idea and they part ways.

Maya and Joey put their Tarnkappes on and go to the Lighthouse. Tesch spends two solid pages describing the scenery as they stand on the balcony at the top. Maya raves about how gorgeous it is, but eventually Joey brings the topic around to the lighthouse blackouts and asks the question on everyone’s mind:

“Was the blackout accidental or was it planned and organized by the enemies of King Genarius?” (page 271)

Well. Let’s consider the facts. The nights of the blackout were also the exact same nights that immensely valuable gold ships all mysteriously vanished without a trace. And the guy who runs the lighthouse has been seen cavorting with Candice and Ginger who you know for a fact are traitors and enemies of King Genarius. So yes, I kinda suspect it wasn’t accidental.

Maya and Joey head towards the cottage and overhear a screaming fight between a man and a woman. The fight lasts for two and a half pages which is about two pages longer than it needed to last. Essentially, the woman thinks the man is cheating on her because she’s seen him chilling with ‘these two pretty ladies’, who I assume are Candice and Ginger, so she’s going to go visit her mother. The man protests that they owe him money, which he has to collect so he can pay for medicine for their sick daughter, Theodora.

Maya and Joey sneak inside. The parents are feeding Theodora chicken soup. She talks about how she’s been hearing voices telling her that she’s going to die. They encourage her for another few pages and finally Feluchi, the dad, leaves to get his money. Maya and Joey follow him into town but can’t make it inside the house.

That was not a problem for the siblings because they had the opportunity to look through one of the windows and listened conveniently to the ongoing conversation from the outside (page 277).

I have to agree with Tesch. That is awfully convenient.

Maya immediately recognizes the voice as belonging to either Candice or Ginger. Whoever it is thanks Feluchi for letting them borrow the lighthouse and they give him a sack of gold coins. He’s delighted and takes off. Feluchi hires a doctor and takes him home, where he bursts inside and runs to his daughter’s bedside, happily telling his wife that there’s nothing to worry about as he’s brought the doctor with medicine to heal his daughter. Psych! Turns out his daughter died just before he got home.

I’m actually kind of a fan of this. I’m sure that Tesch secretly intends for there to be a Message in there about not doing the wrong thing, even if it’s for the right reason (such as saving your daughter’s life), but she doesn’t actually say anything about the message, making it a rather pointless and kind’ve heartbreaking death, which I think we can all agree needs to be in children’s books.

Chapter Thirty-Two – The Spelunka

This picture is a little weird. Normally I’d suspect the guy on the right is checking out the other person’s breasts…but the other person is male. So I’m not sure what’s going on here.

Joey is delighted, because now they have proof that Candice and Ginger are guilty. Okay, technically it’s just his word against theirs, but that’s almost as good.

They head over to the Spelunka bar. Inside, they find Captain Henry, Danny, and their guards drinking and having a good time with a bunch of soldiers, which is awesome because Danny’s about sixteen or so. Maya and Joey wander around, invisible, and randomly overhear some people talking about eliminating people who survived a shipwreck. One of the guys hires the other guy and they agree to split the profits.

The two men cheered with their beers, “Cheers my good friend, we are a team!” (page 284)

I want Gloria Tesch to write a movie about the Mafia. I have a feeling the dialogue she would give them would be so bad it would transcend time and space and curve around until it was almost good but actually it would just be bad again.

About that time two well-dressed ladies enter the bar. Captain Henry, Danny, and the guards all leave. The ladies drink for awhile and finally go into the back corner to meet the two guys who were just planning the murders. Maya and Joey also notice that Candice and Ginger (for it is them) are being followed by two of Coleman’s surveillance team.

Candice and Ginger pay the hitmen, who ask what they should do with the bodies when they’re done.

“Man, think! Get a rowboat and throw the bodies over board behind the Agunda Reef as food for the hammerhead sharks.” (page 288)

Because when I think of Candice, I think of someone who refers to everyone as ‘Man’.

Suddenly Snowblitz shows up and delivers the surprising news that Maya and Joey are going to be visiting the beach to investigate the missing gold transports. He also tells them that Coleman is secretly investigating the Encouragers. Candice and Ginger are delighted with the news and give Snowblitz some gold. Snowblitz goes up to the bar for a drink:

Mr. Snowblitz looked at the bartender and muttered, “It is a smart thing to have friends on both sides and spy for the police department as well as for Candace at the same time. It is the right decision to stay on the sunny side of life.” (page 290)

Words fail me.

Coleman’s two surveillance people realize that Snowblitz is working for Candice and Ginger so they leave to report this to Coleman. I love how we’re jumping randomly from POV to POV. We’ve been inside at least five different character’s heads in this chapter alone.

Candice and Ginger give the hit men another job: they are to wait until Maya and Joey and the pearl diver all go underwater, then destroy their boat. After they come back up, they need to kill all three of them. If they succeed, they’ll get a thousand gold coins. And with that, the chapter ends.

Whew! Good thing Maya and Joey overheard everything and now will have no problem outsmarting the hitmen. Just think of how much likelier it would be that they could die if they DIDN’T know exactly what was coming. There could be some actual tension in this book!

Drinks: 37

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Comment

  1. Sahgo on 8 July 2011, 13:03 said:

    ‘Yes we know… but [Snowblitz’s] codename for us in all of our conversations is Snowbird.’”

    A codename that sounds extraordinarely similar to your actual name. Genious.

    The two men cheered with their beers, “Cheers my good friend, we are a team!” (page 284)

    Seeing as how Apollyon’s Club of Evil helds teamwork in such a high regard, perhaps “being a team” is Gloria’s way of pointing out evil people. Which brings some unfortunate implications by itself.

    Candice and Ginger give the hit men another job: they are to wait until Maya and Joey and the pearl diver all go underwater, then destroy their boat. After they come back up, they need to kill all three of them.

    …I don’t get it. If their plan boils down to “kill all three of them”, what is the point of destroying the boat? Heck, what’s the point of waiting for them to come back up in the first place? Is there something here I’m missing?

    Sir, I continue to admire your determination. And your liver.

  2. WulfRitter on 8 July 2011, 13:36 said:

    Can Apollyon have a drinking club, too? It might be a spin-off of his Club of Evil. We could all wear bowling shirts with the illustration of those two guys on the back, and the motto could be, “Cheers my good friend, we are a team!”

    By the way, I am totally and completely lost as to what is going on in this book and I really doubt Rorschach is the reason. Tesch’s attempt at being Tom Clancy is not exactly full of win.

  3. Requiem on 8 July 2011, 15:08 said:

    “I want Gloria Tesch to write a movie about the Mafia. I have a feeling the dialogue she would give them would be so bad it would transcend time and space and curve around until it was almost good but actually it would just be bad again.”

    This sounds like Yor hunter from the future or at least the way spoonyexperiment (Noah Antwiller) described it.

  4. BettyCross on 8 July 2011, 15:56 said:

    The bar scene should have had Sutornia and Cassandra come in and remove their heads. That would have been awesome.

  5. Prince o' Tea on 8 July 2011, 16:09 said:

    Let us cheer with our beers!

    Well done for keeping this Rorscach. With any luck, the Teschs will sue the Scott Gibsons for trying to out-crazy them.

  6. LoneWolf on 8 July 2011, 16:09 said:

    “and reveals the plan is to poison Maya and Joey”.
    Yay!!!

    Snowblitz reminds me of the Stupid Cowardly Spy In Pay Of CIA stereotype of bad Soviet spy novels.

    Also, is Coleman supposed to be a traitor? Because he’s quite impetuous, investigating ‘The Prince and Princess of Maradonia’ like that. Maybe Gloria just forgot for a moment that Maya and Joey are supposed to be royalty.

    Oh, and poor Theodora. Another death of a character who is relatively likeable (by the virtue of her playing such a small part). Theodora and Alana really should team up.

  7. BettyCross on 8 July 2011, 16:26 said:

    Again with the poison? Why doesn’t a bad guy try stabbing the Encouragizers in the guts with something sharp and pointy? Or blow them up with some Schwartz Pulver? Or, hell, I don’t know — feed them to the hammerhead sharks?

  8. Creature_NIL on 8 July 2011, 16:57 said:

    I now have a theory that Rorschach’s liver is kept in an adamantium safe covered in concrete in the bottom of the Loch Ness Lake. Much the same way that Davy Jones’ heart is alive in a locked chest. That’s the only way his liver could have survived this long.
    Well that or he continually supports the organ harvesting ‘underground economy’ in his region by providing his generous monetary support in exchange for a few livers now and again.

  9. BettyCross on 8 July 2011, 17:34 said:

    “Hey, your beer mug is bigger than mine! Not fair!”

  10. Thea on 8 July 2011, 18:07 said:

    To give what credit I can: I rather like the guy on the right’s arm. It’s appropriately arm-shaped, and looks like it has a rather decent rendition of arm hair and/or freckles.

    As for the text, I have to agree with WulfRitter: I can’t really comment, because I don’t know what’s going on anymore at all…and I imagine the spork is probably even easier to follow, given that we don’t have to wade through Tesch’s literary efforts.

    Seconding the idea of Team Alana and Theodora. Will they fight crime or be evil with all the other evil teams?

  11. Costanza on 8 July 2011, 19:29 said:

    Yeah, I’m comepletely lost. What the hell does any of this shit have to do with Apolloyon? Why aren’t Dumb and Dumber at the capital of Maradonia yet? What is the point of all this crap?

    I think Gold of Ophir is much worse than Seven Bridges. At least Seven Bridges didn’t have a wannabe detective section in a medieval world that goes on for 9001 pages.

  12. Flarehawk on 8 July 2011, 20:37 said:

    I like to think that after it was used to write these books, Tesch’s computer commited suicide.

    On the topic of this section of the book, I have to say that “Maya, what is this nonsense?” sums up my feelings. Well, that and various pitches of horrified, tortured screaming.

  13. Prince o' Tea on 8 July 2011, 21:00 said:

    I said it before, and I’ll be saying it again MANY times.

    You would think Gloria’s writing would improve simply by practice, or at the very least, would stagnate simply because she ignores all criticism.

    Instead, her writing is getting worse. Much, much, much worse. The snowbird snowblitz thing is easily one of the most appalling segments of text in english literature.

  14. Prince o' Tea on 8 July 2011, 21:06 said:

    Seriously, to go with the Mother Earth Song and the Evil Waterpark, did the Powers of Evil go to an Evil Emotional Spa Retreat, to learn about the powers of teamwork? I can imagine their Evil Codename Choosing going something like this:

    “Now, I want all of you to choose an Evil Codename for eachother, but each one must say something positive about your teammate’s personality! All right, Gertrude, I want you to choose Lorris!”
    Gertrude: “Well, Lorris is kind and friendly when she’s not turning people to stone, so I think her Evil Codename should be… Sunshine! Because she’s like a ray of sunshine!”
    “That’s very good Getrude! Now, Lorris, what is Gertrude’s Evil Codename!”
    “I think Getrude is one of my bestest friends ever, and she’s always happy and her wings are so colorful, so I think her Evil Codename should be Rainbow, because Rainbows make me smile.”

    And so on…

  15. fffan on 9 July 2011, 02:52 said:

    Roschach’s a guy? He’s been a guy for the past 1 1/4 books? Wow, Fffan, you’re on the ball.

  16. LoneWolf on 9 July 2011, 03:30 said:

    I don’t really see the decline in Gloria’s writing quality, it stays at pretty same consistently horrible level. If anything, it’s slightly better, since she stopped using ‘random quotations’.

  17. VikingBoyBilly on 9 July 2011, 05:46 said:

    Again with the poison? Why doesn’t a bad guy try stabbing the Encouragizers in the guts with something sharp and pointy? Or blow them up with some Schwartz Pulver? Or, hell, I don’t know — feed them to the hammerhead sharks?

    … but what about poison? See, we couldn’t cling to that joke if Gloria didn’t keep going back to that contrived method of murdering the encouragers.

  18. Ridureyu on 9 July 2011, 13:20 said:

    Wait… so, does any of the insanity that happened on earth have any bearing in their quest to… I dunno, wander around aimlessly?

  19. LoneWolf on 9 July 2011, 14:54 said:

    Gloria is a very talented young writer that uses the ‘Advanced Writing-Technique’ called “Random Events Plot”.

  20. DictatorHat on 9 July 2011, 16:26 said:

    There’s a plot?

  21. Prince o' Tea on 9 July 2011, 19:03 said:

    I’m not sure, Gloria’s writing seems to have gotten worse. Maya and Joey’s dialogue sounds even less then anything resembling the english language, let alone two average teenagers in Florida. “Therefore we urge you to today take nourishment” and “We know Dorothy! You must not teach us.”

    And courtesy of Lindsay: “We love the Salsa Dance.”

  22. Sum Mortis on 9 July 2011, 21:14 said:

    I actually think her writing is starting to “sound” like Paolini’s in much of Brisingr: the book has lost its appeal, and she either no longer really likes writing it, or has absolutely no clue as to what to write next, whereas in the first book, she had a general plot (stupid though it may have been).

  23. LoneWolf on 10 July 2011, 03:15 said:

    The Salsa Dance was cool. One of the book’s higher points. And Maya and Joey never sounded like they know English language, with the exception of ‘take yo’ ass over the fance’!

  24. BettyCross on 10 July 2011, 04:09 said:

    There’s a plot?

    Not as far as I can tell. What’s the point of those flying saucers and soaring pigs and headless princesses of darkness doing all that mayhem in Oceanside? All that has had nothing to do, so far, with the goings on in Maradonia. Do the Bad Guys even know Maya and Joey are back on their turf, bringing back the McGuffin of the Underworld with them?

    Death comes to us all, but Alana Terrence’s death was completely pointless.

  25. LoneWolf on 10 July 2011, 04:40 said:

    No, Alana Terence’s death showed the consequences of being involved in a ‘Gothic Movement’. Remember, Gloria wants to be moralistic and didactic.

    And there’s a plot, only it consists of random unconnected episodes. Which is what “Random Events Plot” means.

  26. LoneWolf on 10 July 2011, 04:41 said:

    In fact, by depicting the demise of Alana Terence, Gloria masterfully contrasts the virtues of Maya and Joey, who are rewarded for their virtue with being ‘Prince and Princess of Maradonia’ and the sins of Alana Terence, who is punished for her sins by death. The point of that scene was strong ‘spiritual contrast’.

  27. Prince o' Tea on 10 July 2011, 16:06 said:

    But when will Lindsay the harlot pay the ultimate price for her wanton, carnal sin of lust? The jezebel who committed the Salsa Dance with the genitals of many men outside her race? She must pay dearly for her sins, as we know Gloria does not tolerate strumpets in her precious and saintly tomes, any more she tolerates witches and gofficks.

  28. WulfRitter on 11 July 2011, 02:06 said:

    The jezebel who committed the Salsa Dance with the genitals of many men outside her race?

    Wait. Where in the world was that? How did I zone out and miss that gorgeous gem of writing? I know I would love my independent reader to come asking me, “Uh, Mom? What does this mean?”

  29. VikingBoyBilly on 11 July 2011, 07:03 said:

    Wait. Where in the world was that? How did I zone out and miss that gorgeous gem of writing? I know I would love my independent reader to come asking me, “Uh, Mom? What does this mean?”

    See the chapter of Alana Terrence’s gruesome death.

  30. Prince o' Tea on 11 July 2011, 09:36 said:

    Alana Terrance. Bully. Gawth. Witch. Whore’s daughter. Slayer of Sues.

    NEVER FORGET.

  31. BettyCross on 11 July 2011, 09:46 said:

    If I were rewriting Maradonia, I would make Gertrude and Alana Terrence dead ringers for each other, except for
    Gertrude’s fairy wings. To the same degree, her lackeys Dorothy and Tanya would resemble Lorris and Ceara (or Ceara and Lorris, it doesn’t matter). Maya and Joe (or Prince Joseph in his official capacity) would notice this and discuss it, but I would never explain it, and let the reader come to his / her own conclusions.

  32. Masquerade on 12 July 2011, 00:20 said:

    I admire your drive to continue reading this series. From what can tell, the taller man is staring at his companion’s forehead. While the bushy haired man is staring at the other man’s ascot. The artist should have drew the room that the men are first and worried about details later.

    Also hi everyone.

  33. Prince o' Tea on 12 July 2011, 21:47 said:

    I don’t get why the Maradonia sporks are so quiet nowadays. Rorscach deserves better for ploughing through this unholy tome, and whilst being sued by the High Priestess of Crazy, Sylvia Scott Gibson.

    And hi Masquerade.

  34. VikingBoyBilly on 13 July 2011, 08:01 said:

    ConjugalFelicity is up and running again so I’m guessing Gibson failed and Rorscach is back in business.

  35. BettyCross on 13 July 2011, 19:29 said:

    @Prince, I have noticed the lack of comments too, compared to early installments. I think the low quality of the fiction being sporked can get tedious after a while, and this effect is not always relieved by the scintillating wit of Rorschach’s sporkings.

  36. VikingBoyBilly on 13 July 2011, 19:56 said:

    Looking closer at the art of the two guys at the ‘Spelunka’ (eww), the guy on the left has a beer glass that’s long and pretty standard looking, but the guy on the right has a beer glass that’s shorter and more rounded. It kind of looks like a half-pumpkin. They’re all wonky and out of shape. I don’t think Gloria’s mother intended them to be totally different shaped beer mugs.

  37. BettyCross on 13 July 2011, 20:27 said:

    I don’t think Gloria’s mother intended them to be totally different shaped beer mugs.

    I noticed that too. The quality of Momma Tesch’s artwork varies wildly. The quality of Gloria’s fiction on the other hand is uniformly awful.

  38. BettyCross on 15 July 2011, 10:13 said:

    I’m probably starting to sound a bit like a broken record, but the Encouragers are without any real doubt the stupidest fucking heroes I have ever encountered, and I sporked all 10 books in the Seven Sleepers series.

    Sue and Stu will win in the end because the villains, because of all their talk of teamwork, are even stupider.

  39. LoneWolf on 15 July 2011, 23:33 said:

    Well, no huge events like the death of Alana or the ‘Human Sacrifice Offering’ happen in the last two chapters, they’re merely filler setup.

  40. Prince o' Tea on 16 July 2011, 10:44 said:

    Plus they have the Power of Sue on their side. The multiverse in which Maradonia and Oceanside exist will warp reality and the laws of physics to suit the whims of the Sues. It would explain how just about any conflict or crisis is conveniently solved as soon as it appears, before it can inconvenience the Sues in anyway.

    Well except for the Curaga leaves failing to heal Lady Sue’s hand, but I am sure they will find the Curaja leaves in a chapter or two. Not that Maya seems to have suffered any difficulties due to the loss of three fingers.

  41. TheArmada on 18 July 2011, 10:47 said:

    I have made a sad discovery: Tesch’s writing is no longer hilarious, after a book and a fifth I have become numbed to her awfulness. :(

  42. Prince o' Tea on 18 July 2011, 19:22 said:

    But what about poison? Or the doves? Or the Salsa Dance?

  43. LoneWolf on 18 July 2011, 21:14 said:

    “Ophir” was initially great, what’s with chaos at Oceanside, Alana and Salsa Dance. The most recent parts of the spork had been boring, with pointless “detective” faffing about. The most hilarious part were the names of the characters. I hope for more action in the next chapters.

  44. BettyCross on 19 July 2011, 09:17 said:

    The storm that sank the Ocean liner without drowning a single person of the passengers and crew almost made me do a head-desk.

  45. Prince o' Tea on 20 July 2011, 10:20 said:

    The fact that there are ocean liners in Maradonia alone made me headdesk. Don’t you actually need an ocean for it to be an ocean liner? I’m pretty sure Maradonia exists in a pocket dimension, or in a spacial distortion or something similar. So why would they need ocean liners if there’s no ocean? I’m pretty sure what she’s described is a cruise liner…
    Though why there are cruise liners in the medieval era I have absolutely no ideas for reasons too many to mention.

    Though Glo could suddenly reveal that there’s an entire world between the worlds, and not just Maradonia. Glo makes everything up as she goes along, and seems to think the whole idea of sticking to her own canon as a total drag.

  46. BettyCross on 20 July 2011, 11:52 said:

    The material culture of Maradonia is an odd mix of Medieval Europe and 19th Century. There are Victoria carriages, and ocean going steam powered passenger ships did appear in the 19th century. OTOH, the weaponry is Medieval. There are swords, spears, and arrows, but nobody every shoots a gun. The only antagonist with gunpowder (Schwartz Pulver) is Apollyon, which would makes sense if sulfur is very hard to get outside of the Underworld, where there’s lots of standard-issue fire and brimstone.

    I suppose you could come up with a self-consistent fantasy world with many of these features. But in order to make it self-consistent, you have to think these things through, instead of throwing them out there. Also, the author must avoid terms like “ocean liner” or “cruise liner,” which put the reader back into the present or recent past of our world. She could just have called it a “ship,” or “passenger ship,” and then described it a bit more, instead of using “ocean liner” and letting the reader just assume it’s like the old Queen Mary.

  47. Prince o' Tea on 20 July 2011, 14:48 said:

    Exactly, because I don’t think ocean liner came into use until the very late nineteenth century or the early twentieth. I’ve never heard of the old steam powered passenger paddle steamers and passenger ships like the Britannia and the Great Eastern ever referred to as Ocean Liners, even in our own time, and most liners on the trans atlantic route made a large chunk of their revinue on immigrants, and why would immigrants use something as expensive and inconvenient as an ocean liner to go further up the coast? Again Gloria seems to be describing cruise liners, and I can’t imagine enough Mardonian peasants to have the disposable income to enjoy a cruise.

    By the way did Gloria ever describe these “ocean liners”? Were they steam powered paddle steamers, or sailing vessels (or a mixture of the two), or where they regular iron ocean liners, like the Queen Mary or the Normandie?

    (was obsessed with ocean liners when he was younger, heheh)

  48. Prince o' Tea on 20 July 2011, 14:51 said:

    Hang on, did a recheck, and the first ocean liners came into service around the mid nineteenth, though I can’t find out when the phrase first began to be used. It certainly wasn’t in medieval times.

  49. LoneWolf on 20 July 2011, 21:51 said:

    I’ve seen some bad authors of children’s literature engage in unexplained, illogical Shizo Tech. Some authors seem to think that logic is for boring adults, and the more illogical and lolrandom a universe is, the more it’s suited for cute little children, who don’t need our boring, adult, yawn-inducing logic. I blame misguided readings of “Alice in Wonderland”.

  50. Inkblot on 21 July 2011, 20:28 said:

    Can someone remind me what exactly the overarching plot of this book was supposed to be? Why did they go back to Maradonia in the first place, again? We’ve been sidetracked with this spy thing for long enough that I don’t remember the opening. D:

  51. Prince o' Tea on 21 July 2011, 20:32 said:

    Because Gloria’s ego was not satisfied with one door stopper, and the Sues decided that they wanted to be worshipped again. Apart from that? No idea.

  52. BettyCross on 21 July 2011, 21:15 said:

    Can someone remind me what exactly the overarching plot of this book was supposed to be?

    The overarching plot is a battle between Good and Evil culminating in an Armageddon-scale battle of annihilation. Or so we’re told by the Oracular Toad. Ya gotta love the way Gloria telegraphs the ending by her “prophecies” but (sarcasm) without ruining the suspense.

    Why did they go back to Maradonia in the first place, again?

    Thus spake His Highness the Prince: “the Sues decided that they wanted to be worshipped again.”

    I never figured out why they decided to leave Maradonia in the first book. Boredom, maybe?

  53. LoneWolf on 22 July 2011, 02:39 said:

    I don’t think that there will be any annihilation. Oraculus, as we’ve seen with the “thousands of years” bit, was prone to exaggeration.

  54. Emanon on 23 July 2011, 06:48 said:

    Album: Inspector Coleman in the Rose Garden
    Genre: Jazz / Blues
    Artist: Candace and the Hitmen

    1. Codename Snowbird
    2. Bottle of Snake Poison
    3. Maya and Captain Henry (Share A Moment)
    4. The Lighthouse Tower
    5. Understatements
    6. Blackout Accidental
    7. Theodora’s Chicken Soup
    8. POV Confusion

  55. Prince o' Tea on 25 July 2011, 11:07 said:

    I have no idea why, Betty, since the journey TO Selinka took the entire book and many dangers (well dangers in Maradonia seem to be inconveniences that are neatly resolved by Deus Ex Machina before they can actually become a threat), but the journey back was more like a brisk walk through the countryside. I guess the Sues missed indoor plumbing and pizza (it certainly wasn’t Little Benji they missed), and decided to leave Maradonia to its plight. And then when they got back to Oceanside, they realized they liked being worshipped by the Maradonian peasants for simply existing was a lot more fun then modern conveniences. “How dare you speak to me!?!” indeed.

  56. Licht on 2 August 2011, 15:08 said:

    I should never have started this CD thing… Gloria might read all those amazing ideas and START TO SING.

  57. Random Guy on 19 March 2014, 09:20 said:

    The guy on the right of that picture for some reason makes me think of Bob Ross.

    Also, did Maya and Joey just let that little girl die? I thought they had magic ‘Swing Words’ or whatever that cured people! Heck, they could’ve said “we cured your daughter, now you work for us” and turned the lighthouse guy into an informant or double agent.

    Instead they just walked off, let a man continue to betray his country out of desperation, and let an innocent little girl die when it would have taken less than a minute to fix. Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.