Chapter Three – Which World is Real?

Uh…the one you’re living in?

It’s stormy out.

It was not a surprise for the psychic community that the mighty principalities Sutornia and Cassandra had visited Oceanside in person for a special meeting. The news of their arrival had spread like wildfire, especially after they had performed one of their famous illusion shows at the beach (pages 20-21).

Okay. Let me see if I understand this. These magical creatures travel back and forth between Maradonia and the United States all the time. They’re friends with the ‘psychic community’, and famous for their illusion shows where they carry their heads in their hands. Sounds good.

Sutornia and Cassandra invite the psychic community to a secret midnight meeting at the Panorama Ravine. We learn that back in the day, the psychic groups used to sacrifice animals there and it’s all very secretive and hush hush, which is why Sutornia and Cassandra appeared in broad daylight and let themselves be seen which would basically put the entire world on high alert. But essentially, they sound like some kind of secret cultlike society. They’re probably Evil, too.

Maya and Joey go to school and Maya drifts away in her head, thinking about Maradonia. They have a substitute in her math class and she’s daydreaming and not paying attention:

Suddenly a harsh voice startled Maya, “What do you think you are doing?! Are you sleeping? I will make a report to your teacher. What is your name?”

Maya opened her eyes, jumped up from her seat and answered with the voice of a commander, “I am Maya, the Princess of Maradonia! How dare you talk to me? Don’t you know that I belong to the royal family, and that the airships over Oceanside are looking for me…?” (pages 22-23)

I already spent way too much time in the last chapter going over why this is stupid. She was royalty for TWO WEEKS.

More importantly, even in the context of the scene it doesn’t make sense. How dare you talk to me? What, Maya’s become such a bitch that commoners aren’t allowed to speak to her? What difference do the airships make? How are they even related to this line of conversation?

Anyway. It’s quiet enough to hear a pin drop, the substitute teacher goggles at her, and then everyone bursts out laughing.

A compelling thought hit Maya’s mind at that moment, “Which world is real?” (page 23)

That’s compelling, all right.

The teacher yells at them all to shut up and writes Maya up. But Alana Terrence looks over at her best friends, Tanya and Dorothy, and says it’s time for their revenge.

The two girls nodded, grinned and giggled, “Yes…sweet revenge!” (page 24)

I hope that line makes it into the movie.

Chapter Four – One Finger for Each of Us…

After lunch Alana grabbed the hands of Dorothy and Tanya and said “You heard with your own ears what Maya said in the classroom. She thinks that she’s better than us!”

“Yes,” said Dorothy, “she told the whole class that she is ‘The Princess of Maradonia and that she belongs to a royal family’. At the end she expects us to serve her.”

Tanya got really pissed off and said “We will show that piece of crap what she really is!” (pages 25-26)

There are only two ways any high schooler would take that situation:

1. Maya is completely insane
2. Maya is screwing around and making fun of the substitute teacher

And unless Maya was literally retarded or had a history of being bipolar, I’m guessing 90% of the time the class is going to go with #2. Which it sounds like they did, considering they all burst out laughing. The one conclusion people would not draw is that Maya is being serious, and think she’s better than them. And where would Dorothy get the notion that Maya expects them to serve her?

We cut over to Maya who is hanging out with her friend Rachel. Rachel is telling her about this boy Patrick. Apparently they went out to the Fun-day Arcade (yes, that’s what it’s called) and they kissed behind the roller coaster! But Maya has been daydreaming about the mermaids and hasn’t paid any attention to her. Rachel is pissed off and runs off. Maya follows slowly, heading towards the bus stop, but she’s intercepted by Alana and her friends, who slide their hands into studded gloves [?].

They then proceed to beat the shit out of her.

Maya, who as we know is a ‘black belt’ in karate, goes down immediately without a fight. They beat her until she’s unconscious and then continue to kick her with their boots [!]

I can’t help but think Gloria was drawing on her own experiences here.

Tanya realizes Maya is bleeding profusely and says they need to stop.

bq.But Alana said, “No Tanya, we want to finish this job.”

“Are you crazy?! Do you wanna kill her!?”

Alana’s smile grew wide, “Yes!” (page 28)

Holy shit! This kid is a psychopath.

Dorothy and Tanya drag Alana back, but she decides to get the last word in. She sees Maya’s hand lying on the ground so she stomps on until three of Maya’s fingers are broken [!!!] and yells “One finger for each of us!”

Well. That was a nice graphic scene for the book’s young readers.

Turns out a kid named Freddy was sitting in a tree and sees the whole thing. He pisses himself in terror and falls out. Alana grabs him and says if he tells anyone, they’ll do the exact same thing to him. Freddy runs for his life, and the three members of the Gothic Movement waltz off.

So yeah. That pool Maya bathed in that made her indestructible? Doesn’t work.

Chapter Five – Two men In the Water

Maya doesn’t meet Joey at the bus stop. He gets a Feeling that something is wrong. So he looks around for a bit and happens to run into Freddy, who looks like he just had the piss scared out of him. Joey asks him if he’s seen Maya and Freddy says she’s out in the park. Joey heads outside and finds Maya’s body lying there, covered in blood. Fortunately, Mr. Hazelnut, the science teacher, happens by and calls an ambulance. Joey rides to the hospital with her.

We jump over to Maya’s mind and she’s having a vision where she’s on the ocean shore and sees some men in the water hanging on to some planks. They’re screaming desperately for help and saying that everyone else had been killed.

Finally the vision ends but it’s burned into Maya’s unconscious mind.

File that one under ‘obvious foreshadowing’, I guess.

Chapter Six – Never Again…

They reach the hospital and a nurse and an overweight administrator start asking Joey questions he doesn’t know the answer to. I don’t know why Maya specifically noted that he was overweight, but I suspect it’s because her father’s a doctor and she’s probably basing the character on someone she knows, which amuses me.

On the other hand, you’d think that Maya’s father being a doctor would prevent ridiculous errors like this one: without treating Maya at all, they just stick her in a private room by herself. Uh, no. They keep you in the emergency room for at least a little while, and by ‘little while’, I mean a good four to five hours. Minimum. Anyway, this entire scene is only to highlight that Maya was put in room 333.

When Joey saw that they brought his sister to room 333, he smiled and he thought about the golden City Hall of Selinka, the capital of the Land of Maradonia with its 333 steps…(page 36)

Your sister was just beaten within an inch of her life…and you’re smiling and thinking about Maradonia?


The doctor shows up eventually and Joey has to wait outside. He drifts off and starts thinking about the time he was in Hell and people were screaming for water and he didn’t do jack shit, except without any guilt.

Meanwhile, a chap called Dr. Harrison shows up and he and a nurse take care of Maya and do x-rays. Turns out Maya is in Bethesda Hospital, which is a real place in Florida. Later, Maya’s family shows up, and the doctor confers with them and explains there was no internal bleeding, the bruises and cuts will heal, and they’ve put her left hand into a cast. The problem is her hand is pretty bad and she’ll probably never be able to make a fist again.

Maya’s mom cries and her dad and Joey want to know who did it to her. Maya can’t remember.

“Whatever it takes, I will find out who beat up my sister Maya,” Joey whispered to himself. “I will surely find these individuals…and then, I will perform for them an illusion show they will never forget.” (page 40)

Uh…okay. An illusion show. Scary!

Her family leaves to give Maya some rest and Maya thinks about how she needs to take some self-defense lessons from the warrior spirits of Maradonia because her karate isn’t cutting it. I would agree.

Suddenly Libertine shows up and smiles at Maya through the window, which is weird because birds can’t smile. Libertine flies away and finds Joey and launches into a long explanation. The Land of Maradonia needs their help!

Joey is annoyed and yells that he has bigger fish to fry, since Maya is hurt. Libertine has the perfect answer:

“I understand you Joey…healing is a process!” (page 42)

Libertine continues. Turns out Plouton has arrived and is searching for Maya and Joey. Tomorrow is the secret meeting at Panorama Ravine, which Libertine knows because she knows everything. Apparently the psychics are preparing a Dance Fest with animal sacrifices to honor Plouton, and this is also where they’ll get the final clue to track down Maya and Joey. Libertine warns him that he needs to start using his Tarnkappe. Joey agrees and then his parents holler at him because they need to leave. Um…okay, where was the part about Maradonia needing their help?

When Joey stepped into the car his mother gave him a peculiar look and uttered “I had the feeling that you were talking to a bird.” (page 43)

Which, fair enough, but uttered?

Joey, of course, takes it a step further:

“Yes Mom, I did! I talk all the time to birds, grasshoppers, snakes and many other different animals and believe it or not…they talk to me!” (page 44).

Smooth. Although his parents don’t believe him, so maybe Joey was just being sarcastic.

Drinks: 23

Tagged as: ,


  1. Curly on 25 April 2011, 01:32 said:

    So yeah. That pool Maya bathed in that made her indestructible? Doesn’t work.

    Haha. Continuity? What?

    “Whatever it takes, I will find out who beat up my sister Maya,” Joey whispered to himself. “I will surely find these individuals…and then, I will perform for them an illusion show they will never forget.”

    If I remember correctly, Joey is going to melt three kids’ eyeballs. So if that’s the case, and it is these girls… wow. “Violence solves everything, kids!” I mean, really, this is aimed at 12 year olds or whatever. And girls beat each other up with freakin’ knuckle-dusters!!! Wow. I get the feeling that Glo has never actually, you know, met any human beings before.


    Maya’s mom cries and her dad and Joey want to know who did it to her. Maya can’t remember.

    Great. So she’s got three broken fingers and BRAIN DAMAGE! From schoolkids. Because they don’t like Maya. And one of them wants to literally kill her. Cool. That’s you know, normal kid behaviour and not showing any homicidal tendancies whatsoever. Right. Just wanted to clear that up.

  2. Ridureyu on 25 April 2011, 01:55 said:

    Okay, so Alana is basically just every bully in any Stephen King book ever. Gotcha.

  3. Ridureyu on 25 April 2011, 02:03 said:

    I love these sporks dearly (and I fear for Tesch’s sanity), but I have to comment:

    -Wasn’t the pool just to make them immune to magic/burning snowflakes/whatever? I don’t know, it always SAID that, but they apparently made a big deal about only being able to stab Astrojesus in the shoulder, so I dunno.

    -Joey laughing about something in the emergency room? ehhh. I took a relatice to the ER just yesterday, and the only way I could keep the family calm was with bits of humor here and there, mostly chuckling over the fact that the doctor was named Dr. Strange.

    No, really. Dr. Strange. I don’t think his first name was Stephen, but… Dr. Strange.

    But yeah, Joey’s way of wistfully going “My, thoise were the good days!” can also be read as “MY SISTER IS DYING AND I AM DISTRACTING MYSELF SO I DO NOT FALL TO PIECES!”

    (Except knowing this series, I’m being way too generous)

  4. Curly on 25 April 2011, 03:41 said:

    Dear Ridureyu
    I think you are making the horrible mistake of viewing Tesch as a competent writer, or even someone who knows what the hell they’re talking about. Please don’t make excuses for her, because you are using real life as an example. You are also using logic, and neither of which have a place in Maradonia.

    Yours faithfully,

    P.S. Please give me my lawnmower back by Friday or I will take criminal action as I deem necessary.

  5. Licht on 25 April 2011, 04:05 said:


    Sorry. Just lacking the words to properly articulate how stupid this is.
    Does she really think this is how the world aka. real people work?

  6. Prince o' Tea on 25 April 2011, 06:40 said:

    Wow, Maya didn’t let that princess for a few days thing go to her head at all, did she? She’s not acting like an arrogant bitch at all. I actually woudln’t be surprised if she demanded the Gothic Movement to become her Handmaidens of Bootlicking, since she is a Princess after all, and she is Better Then Everyone.

    Also, how have the evil empire not managed to capture Maya yet, since she is announcing to all and sundry who and where she is, and that the airships are looking for her? I’m surprised she hasn’t gone dancing down the beach, twirling Defencdor like a baton, singing “Nyahh nyahh I’m Maya Sue, Princess of Suedonia, and I R Very Speshul and a Trooly Yoooneek Snowflaek and You Want to Capture Meee”

    Alana is my new Favorite Character. About someone gave that sue what she deserved. Now if only someone would do the same for Joey.

  7. LoneWolf on 25 April 2011, 06:56 said:

    Maradonia starts reminding me of Chick Tracts, with the whole business of Hell, Evil Gothic Movement and “Spiritual communities”.

    And yeah, the irony is that Alana’s comments on Maya are actually reasonable and warranted.

  8. BettyCross on 25 April 2011, 07:31 said:

    “So yeah. That pool Maya bathed in that made her indestructible? Doesn’t work.”

    Well, maybe just in Maradonia. In Tampa FL, the rules are different.

  9. BettyCross on 25 April 2011, 07:55 said:

    “Great. So she’s got three broken fingers and BRAIN DAMAGE!”

    Actually, a blow on the head often wipes out short-term memory for events right before the blow. However, this is not the same as brain damage.

    Maya’s inability to remember the incident is just about the only realistic thing in the book so far.

  10. Licht on 25 April 2011, 08:24 said:

    Does someone remember that strange Christian movie about… ohm… damn… I don’t even remember what it was about, but some sue was special and The Evil Gothik Movement was evil.

  11. Curly on 25 April 2011, 08:36 said:

    Oh my God! It just occured to me that Glo was trying to say that Maya is so Good and Sweet and Suetiful that anyone who dislikes her must be a crazed psycopathic killer with no regard for human life. Way to be subtle. And now Joey gets the chance to be Chivalrous and Vengeful! He has Courage and Virtue! He is Honouring His Sister!
    yay capitals
    And sorry, Betty, my knowledge of medical thingies is minimal at best. You’re probably right. But still, attempting bash someone’s skull in is regardless not a very 12-year-old thing to do.

  12. BettyCross on 25 April 2011, 08:48 said:

    @Curly, it’s okay. My brother’s a doctor and I get lots of tidbits from him.

    I agree that Alanna’s mugging of Maya, assisted by her two peeps, is completely unrealistic. Alanna would just tease her with taunts in the hall like, “Hey, princess.” At most, she’d corner Maya in the girl’s rest room and squirt ketchup in her hair.

  13. Prince o' Tea on 25 April 2011, 09:09 said:

    Huh! Bitchy Goth Libby is evolving! Congratulations your Bitchy Goth Libby evolved into Crazed Gothic Sociopath Murderer! Learned Curb Stomp (deals triple damage to Sue monsters.)


    LoneWolf, don’t forget VideoGamers. Videogamers are allergic to reading, according to Glo. I bet Allana routinely plays Grand Theft Auto, inbetween lesbian romps with Dorothy and Tanya, and practicing witchcraft. And encouraging safe sex in their heterosexual classmates.

  14. Prince o' Tea on 25 April 2011, 09:17 said:

    You are all jealous, and lack the “high spiritual intelligent power” to appreciate the wonder-brimming “Maradonia Saga”. With fourteen years, Gloria Tesch has written two outstanding page turning fantasies, that show their readers the power and glory of life, treachery, beauty, power, death and love. Gloria, with fourteen years is already writing seven books in her saga, that will soon be published and loved the world over!!! Gloria writes her stories with the talent of her fourteen years, and the wisdom of a far older substance, and she is a charming, sweet and amazing young lady. When Maradonia is on the New York Times top seller list, and every treasure in her saga has been presented, and adapted into a blockbuster movie, you will all be sorry you criticized this remarkable young woman. I notice none of you wrote and published several treasured with fourteen years, which is sad and worrying. You should be proud you know Gloria, the next Princess of high fantasy, and know you will make thousands selling the first editions of her treasures.

  15. Licht on 25 April 2011, 09:47 said:

    Uhm… Prince, I let Brian say this to you: Baby did you forget to take your meds?

    You know, I’ve had that problem, too. I understand what you’re going through. You can really get it under control if you’re taking your meds regularly and participate in group-discussions! Promise! Please don’t give up! Even with your disease there’s still a life out there worth living! Hear me? Stay with us! XD

  16. swenson on 25 April 2011, 10:00 said:

    The two girls nodded, grinned and giggled

    …all at the same time? I’d try it out for myself, but I’m sitting in a crowded computer lab at the moment and I think I’d get some odd looks.

    The slightly creepy thing about the boy named Freddy is that I actually know a guy named Freddy, but he’s… not exactly the “pee his pants and run off” type, as far as I know.

    Anyway, I think I can guess where Joey’s “illusion show” thing is going. He’s going to be TEMPTED by the Dark Side! After all, the evil spirits/psychic whatevers had an “illusion show” too. Joey will try to use Dark Powers to avenge his sister and land everyone in trouble, I’m sure.

  17. Prince o' Tea on 25 April 2011, 10:10 said:

    My name is Prince O Tea, and I am addicted to appalling literature. Last night I went on a seven hour bender with Twila, Da Girl who was in Luv w a Vampir. Please forgive me AstrohJeebus.

  18. Licht on 25 April 2011, 10:39 said:

    Very well. Say Hallo to Prince o’Tea, group!
    Hallo Prince o’Tea!

    Am I the only one tempted to imagine Alana somewhat like this:

    The “evil” cheerleader is even wearing a crown!

  19. falconempress on 25 April 2011, 12:18 said:


    Okay, so Alana is basically just every bully in any Stephen King book ever. Gotcha.

    I think I love you for that statement :D

  20. Rorschach on 25 April 2011, 13:34 said:

    -Wasn’t the pool just to make them immune to magic/burning snowflakes/whatever? I don’t know, it always SAID that, but they apparently made a big deal about only being able to stab Astrojesus in the shoulder, so I dunno.

    You pretty much answered your own question. The way it was originally set up in the story, it sounded like it was just protection from the magical powers, not physical violence. Except Tesch specifically notes that AstroJesus is only vulnerable in one place.

    If I had to guess, I’d say she doesn’t know exactly what this pool does and will change the effects randomly to suit her story.

    I admit, it’s also possible that it doesn’t work in Floria. In which case Tesch should note that.

  21. Ridureyu on 25 April 2011, 13:44 said:

    The reason why the blood pool’s magic doesn’t work in Florida is because Disneyworld is the Magic Kingdom, and sucks away all other arcane powers.

    There! Now I, uh, made it make sense. I guess. Kinda.

    @falconempress Yay! Now I can finally get married! But yeah. One of the things I really appreciated JK Rowling for is that she, unlike Stephen King, knows the difference between “schoolyard bully” and “mass-murdering psychopath.” Look, bullies suck, but they aren’t all a bunch of Ed Geins running around.

    And yeah, I’m not defending GTesch. Really. Not at all. Just saying “Of the million and one things we can mock in this story, why pick something that might actually make sense?”

  22. Danielle on 25 April 2011, 15:43 said:

    Maya, Joey and Alana should all join Lord Voldemort.

  23. Prince O' Tea on 25 April 2011, 18:25 said:

    Well Glo’s father isn’t a doctor, but a university professor (of what) I’d like to know, who she claims has helped her with research and so on. Which makes the book even less excusable on so many levels.

    “How dare you talk to me! I am Queen Maya Sue, the most Beautiful Sue in the Land of Sue. I’m a Princess and I am better then all of you filthy unwashed peasants! So worship me, you disgusting barberian nobodies!”

  24. Costanza on 25 April 2011, 18:44 said:

    …….Right, because teenagers actually behave like this.

    I would say that Glo can’t write anything, especially characters, but I’d be beating a fossilized horse.

  25. Flarehawk on 25 April 2011, 18:54 said:

    So not only is the master of self-defence taken out by three psycopathic teenage girls, but Joey gets told by his parents, straight-faced, that they think he was talking to a bird.


    I literally cannot come up with a remark for that.
    Congratulations, Tesch.

    Also, I love how they psychos-in-training manage to instantly realise that Maya genuinely considers herself better than everyone else, instead of, you know, making shit up for shits and giggles.

    A part for the “Department Of Redundancy Department:
    You heard with your own ears what Maya said in that classroom!
    Nah, I heard it with the foot of the person sitting next to me.

  26. Erin on 25 April 2011, 19:33 said:

    “Which world is real?” Aren’t they technically both real and just parallel dimensions or something like that? I know Maya’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but even she should be able to grasp that concept.

  27. LordBobBree on 25 April 2011, 21:37 said:

    A part for the “Department Of Redundancy Department:
    You heard with your own ears what Maya said in that classroom!
    Nah, I heard it with the foot of the person sitting next to me.

    That just means hearing it yourself, as opposed to second-hand.

  28. LoneWolf on 25 April 2011, 23:59 said:

    And now I can indeed believe that Maya will rule her kingdom with “an iron fist”. She is evolving from a rather sheepy girl to a pretentious, arrogant “princess” very fast.

  29. Licht on 26 April 2011, 02:08 said:

    That’s character development according to Gtesch.

  30. Vortex on 26 April 2011, 13:08 said:

    She’s ripping off the Bible again. “Gold of Ophir” is mentioned in Psalm 45:9.

  31. BettyCross on 26 April 2011, 14:28 said:

    The Biblical (or at least fundamentalist) element in her writing will only get more intense. One of her later books will be called “Maradonia and the Unleashed Beast.” Beast of the Apocalypse?

    I guess one of King Apollyon’s sons gets to be the AntiChrist, although I would find the work more interesting if Joey and Maya turn to the Dark Side. Gtesch has already put an “iron fist” on the schedule for Maya. Will it replace the wounded hand?

  32. Prince O' Tea on 26 April 2011, 18:14 said:

    I know some people who refer to the act of self-love at 3am as “unleashing the beast” so…
    Hahaha. =D

  33. VikingBoyBilly on 26 April 2011, 18:24 said:

    We need another album. With “healing is a process!” and “an illusion show they will never forget!”

  34. Costanza on 26 April 2011, 21:29 said:

    btw, what the hell was the point of them going home?

    Apollyon and his sons are still alive, Maradonia is in no way safer, and when they come back everything will be different due to the thousands of years that will have gone by.

    If they truly were the greatest weapons against the forces of evil, then just leaving out of the blue was the worst decision possible. And for no gain either.

  35. Licht on 26 April 2011, 23:32 said:

    Billy, sounds less than an album and more like a Variété. Awesome! - Where can I buy tickets?

  36. Prince O' Tea on 27 April 2011, 07:02 said:

    No point at all, Contanza. They just decided to go home in the middle of a war, and that was that. Considering their egos, you would have thought they would like to spend longer being worshipped.

  37. BettyCross on 27 April 2011, 08:31 said:

    Gloria needed for Book One to be over, so she threw an Idiot Ball to everybody in the book.

  38. Prince O' Tea on 27 April 2011, 17:39 said:

    Nowadays she doesn’t even bother with that, hence her splitting all her books in two. I can’t imagine at what point she splits Seven Bridges in two, making Escape to the Underworld. All of Seven Bridges was very anticlimactic, and Joey was in “The Underworld” for what, five minutes? Waltzed into it, stole the Key, disdained the agonized prisoners, and skipped out again. Maya didn’t bother to join him, if I remember correctly. Hardly in it long enough, or to be in enough danger to “Escape” from it.

  39. The Cat on 28 April 2011, 14:13 said:

    No no no no no. Not escape from it. Escape to the Underworld.

    Which makes even less sense.

  40. Licht on 28 April 2011, 14:20 said:

    Isn’t it FROM ?

    Though, TO would make very much sense. It’s so horrible that readers would rather escape to the Underworld. ;)

  41. Costanza on 28 April 2011, 18:23 said:

    I think Tesch should reveal that ‘Alana Terrence!’ is building a doomsday device and was responsible for 9/11. I think then the audience may be able to comprehend the subtle way that Tesch is portraying her as an evil character.

  42. Prince O' Tea on 28 April 2011, 18:29 said:

    She should also be a “Video Gamer”! Gloria believes videogamers are too stupid and uncultured to appreciate her literary afterbirth – sorry, her masterpieces.

  43. Danielle on 28 April 2011, 19:14 said:

    Who watches a lot of television and actually “kissed a guy“ at the last school dance!

  44. BettyCross on 28 April 2011, 19:38 said:

    Joey had a brief but passionate affair with a mermaid. Now Maya needs to get some experience too. I hear those unicorns can do incredible things with their horns.

  45. Prince O' Tea on 28 April 2011, 19:51 said:

    And does Wicca as well! Since Gloria has been all “BURN THE WITCH! BURN THE WITCH! MERMAIDS CAN USE MAGIC BUT HUMANS CAN’T!” Up until this point.

    I hope mermaids reproduce by devouring the male’s entrails/genitals, and our horny mermaid plans on honouring Joey with the same mating ritual.

    I think she already has, thats why the unicorn looks so happy in the Dream in the Snowstorm chapter.

  46. LoneWolf on 29 April 2011, 14:11 said:

    And Apollyon was described as singing a “Mother Earth Song” once, so the Maradonia series already has an anti-Wiccan flavour.

  47. Flarehawk on 29 April 2011, 20:27 said:

    I still think the time difference renders everything superfluous.

    We’ve gone from six pm to [insert whatever time people in [insert place where Maradonia is set for the first few chapters] go to school], no doubt the following day. In just under two and a half hours (earth time), 100 years pass in Maradonia. Everyone they met in the first book is dead by now. For the sake of generosity, let’s say that school starts at nine am on the dot (lucky motherfuckers). Even if they pissed off to their little drug-trip world right at that point, everyone they knew would be approximately 600 years dead. They have now gone past school. (I assume, since you don’t go to a bus stop in the middle of a school day under normal circumstances)

    Everyone will hate them, because they abandoned them for several hundred years to the whims of Apollyon and his semi-evil regime.
    All through that time, people will have been taught that the Encouragers are cocktease assholes who fled, every douchebag for themselves style, once things started looking up for Maradonia.

    Then again, I play video games, so what the fuck do I know about them fancy book things?

    The only character I liked was Phoenix the dog, because at least he didn’t botch a speech check and badly filibuster about FRIENDSHIP or BELIEVE IN YOURSELF for several pages.

    I miss that dog.

  48. BettyCross on 29 April 2011, 21:57 said:

    From what I can see from the sporkings, Maya and Joey never showed any nostalgia for home or concern for their family missing them in all the time they were in Maradonia. The decision to return home seems to come out of nowhere.

    Of course, their sudden insistence on returning home is no more arbitrary and incomprehensible than anything else in Gloria’s dreadful scribblings.

  49. LoneWolf on 30 April 2011, 04:57 said:

    There’s no time difference, Tesch inserted it as a phrase because it felt deep or something.

  50. Danielle on 30 April 2011, 19:15 said:

    I think she added it as a sick sort of “homage” to CS Lewis. Like she’s standing beside her stacks of books, in front of a cardboard cutout of herself, saying “SEE, CS LEWIS??? I WRITE GOOD BOOK LIKE YOU!!!!” And CS Lewis rises from the dead to punch her in the face.

  51. BettyCross on 30 April 2011, 19:52 said:

    Gloria needs to discontinue all distribution of this self-published crap, and go to college. After a few years of college, and some more life experience and maturity, she might make a decent fiction writer (under a different name).

    She can’t stay “the world’s youngest novelist” forever even if that were the truth, which it isn’t. She has plenty of chances to become a better novelist.

  52. Prince O' Tea on 1 May 2011, 07:24 said:

    I doubt she’ll take them, as she constantly makes it clear she’s only interested in being famous, rather then writing a good story. She’ll probably still be claiming DA WURLDZ YUNGEST BOOK WRITTER when she’s in her thirties, at this rate.

  53. BettyCross on 1 May 2011, 08:18 said:

    But, Prince, she isn’t famous either, except in her own mind. Outside of her Internet detractors and some local publicity in the Tampa-St Pete area, nobody knows who she is.

  54. Prince O' Tea on 1 May 2011, 12:53 said:

    And that’s the beautiful irony, isn’t it?

  55. LoneWolf on 1 May 2011, 15:13 said:

    Well, she did gain some Internet fame. She’s pretty unknown as far as Internet phenomena go, though.

  56. Catflap on 5 June 2012, 23:08 said:

    “Wasn’t the pool just to make them immune to magic/burning snowflakes/whatever?”

    Astro didn’t say the pool would work outside Maradonia – so maybe it doesn’t.

  57. Evil Imperialist on 29 October 2013, 00:13 said:

    ““Yes Mom, I did! I talk all the time to birds, grasshoppers, snakes and many other different animals and believe it or not…they talk to me!” (page 44).”

    Uh-oh – Joey is either an Expy of Voldy, or he’s a powerful Dark Wizard in his own right, and not someone safe for Maradonia to know. Or he’s Harry Potter. Maya = Bellatrix ? She’s psycho enough.