Hey everybody, sorry this one took so long, but I have been very busy and my computer is still busted, so this is how it’s going to be for a while. There were some weird things in this chapter…a ridiculously large amount of odd fetishes. Anyways, I hope you enjoy.
15. The Cullens
“Edward! You stayed!” I rejoiced, and thoughtlessly threw myself across the room and into his lap. (p.162)
LS— This is her response to waking up and finding Edward staring at her from a rocking chair. Sickening…
K— And another nauseating instalment of Twilight begins. I can’t wait.
SS— I’m just impressed at how a girl who is normally a klutz is able to catapult herself from across a room onto a relatively small landing area. Ah, the power of “love”.
R— Right into the lap. Bow-chika-bow bowwwwww.
I laid my head cautiously against his shoulder, breathing in the smell of his skin. (p.162)
LS— Seriously, what the hell is with the people and sniffing each other?
SS— I still think he ought to smell like rotting flesh.
It seemed like a miracle that he was there, his arms still waiting for me.
K— And also his dong.
He reached out to me, and my heart thumped unsteadily. (p. 162)
LS— You know what? I wish your heart was actually beating unsteadily, because then this book would be over. And how is it a miracle that he was still there? You guys have already been over the fact that you are in love. Multiple times.
“I love you,” I whispered.
“You are my life now,” he answered simply.
K—Oh, now we’re at the boring part…doesn’t Smeyer know reading about happy relationships are really dull?
SS— “You are my life now…fortunately, I’ve wanted to take my life for quite some time!”
R— He’s a vampire. So, he’s saying that Bella is his resurrected demonic half-existence. How…romantic…
There was nothing more to say for the moment. He rocked us back and forth as the room grew lighter.
“Breakfast time,” he said eventually, casually — to prove, I’m sure, that he remembered all my human frailties.
So I clutched my throat with both hands and stared at him with wide eyes. Shock crossed his face.
“Kidding!” I snickered. “And you said I couldn’t act!” (p.163)
LS— What the hell just happened? “insert generic loving statement“
“OMG I’m choking!”
“Oh noes!”
“LOL, I was JKing.”
“Betch…”
R— Edward Cullen is afraid of only one thing: Darth Vader.
He frowned in disgust. “That wasn’t funny.” (p.163)
LS— He’s right. SMeyer fails at writing funny moments. Or anything, for that matter…
R— “I was SERIOUS about that Darth Vader thing!”
“It was very funny, and you know it.” (p.163)
LS— No, it really wasn’t. Why on earth would she spontaneously choke anyway? It would have been “very funny” if she really did just start choking.
K— I can’t even structure a joke properly myself and that was the stupidest thing I’ve ever read.
SS— Err, I thought the joke was that she was pretending to think Edward wanted to bite her neck. Still not funny, but now I feel crazy.
R— “I asked for two things and two things only, and those were that our, uh, special pictures were not to be posted on the internet, and that NO MENTION SHOULD BE MADE OF DARTH VADER.”
He threw me over his stone shoulder (p.163)
LS— Me caveman. Me catch female. Statue Count: 19
His marble brow puckered. (p.163)
LS— Statue Count: 20
K— Ew…
R— Because all vampires have lips on their foreheads.
“You paid attention,” he smiled approvingly. (p.164)
LS— And that is surprising? She has a severe obsession over you, of course she pays attention.
R— “Except, apparently, when I specifically instructed you NOT TO MENTION DARTH VADER.”
He stood in the middle of the kitchen, the statue of Adonis again (p.164)
LS— Statue Count: 21
K— Stop it! Stop it! I need a break…
he smiled his heartbreaking smile. (p.164)
LS—Cream Count: 116
R— And you know that you’re a — cute little heartbreaker, huh! Foxy!
“Well, I don’t know if we need to give him all the gory details.”
K— Yes you do. Stop lying, goddamn.
He reached across the table to lift my chin with a cold, gentle finger. “But he will need some explanation for why I’m around here so much. I don’t want Chief Swan getting a restraining order put on me.” (p.165)
LS— You know? That would be a good idea… He probably should get her a restraining order.
R— Usually, that’s what you do to people who stalk you and watch you sleep. You file a restraining order.
He stared into my eyes for an immeasurable period of time. (p.165)
LS— I doubt that.
SS— The power of their love is so intense that it warps space time, okay?
R— Or more likely, Bella’s too dumb to read analog watches. “What are all these like, letters?”
I ended up in my only skirt (p.165)
LS—Wow. I just had a dyslexic moment. I read that as “I ended up in only my skirt” and I thought this book was actually getting interesting.
SS— What on earth? Me too. I’m beginning to think I’m just the wrong gender for this book.
my hair was entirely impossible (p.165)
LS— I doubt that, too.
His fingers traced slowly down my spine, his breath coming more quickly against my skin. My hands were limp on his chest, and I felt lightheaded again. He tilted his head slowly and touched his cool lips to mine for the second time, very carefully, parting them slightly.
And then I collapsed.
LS— Epic Fail.
K— I have no words.
SS— “As it turns out, building your daughter out of papier-mâché was perhaps not the wisest decision, Chief Swan.”
R— I’m a real girl now, Geppetto! Also, her hands were just about the only things that were limp.
“No — that wasn’t the same kind of fainting at all. I don’t know what happened.” I shook my head apologetically, “I think I forgot to breathe.” (p.166)
LS— Aww, why did she have to remember?
SS— Bella—so clumsy she can’t exert motor function and breath.
R— Bella then re-inserted her earbud headphones to once again hear the comforting directive: “breathe in, breathe out. breathe in, breathe out…”
I flushed with pleasure (p.166)
LS— Cream?
R— What a coincidence—that’s the same action I took with this book.
Her cold, stone grasp was just as I expected. (p.167)
LS— I’m not going to add a statue count for this because it wasn’t directed towards Edward, but I thought I would point it out regardless.
“You do smell nice, I never noticed before,” she commented, to my extreme embarrassment.
LS— Really, this smelling stuff is weirding me out.
K— Huffing kittens is better.
“Edward can do everything, right?” I explained. (p.168)
K— Yes, because he’s a goddamn Gary Stu.
LS— Way to point out poor characterization.
R— Everything. He’s single, ladies. Well, not really. But you know what I mean.
“Thank you,” I murmured. I realized there were tears in my eyes. I dabbed at them, embarrassed.
He touched the corner of my eye, trapping one I missed. He lifted his finger, examining the drop of moisture broodingly.
K— Just when I think Twilight can’t get any more horrible…it outdoes itself.
Then, so quickly I couldn’t be positive that he really did, he put his finger to his mouth to taste it. (p.171)
LS— claps Way to go, teenage girls. This is your dream boy.
K— [screams self into coma]
SS— Oh my, what? What? Just for a day, I want to act like Edward Cullen and prove that if any of this were to happen in real life, girls would not be at all impressed.
*R — And usually it’s Bella who utters the phrase, “Hm. This is salty.”
Ari on 30 March 2009, 23:59 said:
Totally cracked me up. I can’t believe I used to adore this boook so much that I memorized this scene. DD: Now I read it and I start giggling.
Hope to see the next bit up soon.
Snow White Queen on 31 March 2009, 00:11 said:
laughs hysterically and falls over
How did I not remember this part?!
The last quote really did it for me.
Champion work, sporkers! And who is the R, by the way?
Reggie on 31 March 2009, 00:18 said:
Moi.
SlyShy on 31 March 2009, 00:20 said:
R is for Reginald.
Incidentally, I like how the “wtf” density in Twilight keeps on getting higher.
Snow White Queen on 31 March 2009, 00:31 said:
Oh. I thought it might be you, Reggie, but I wasn’t quite sure…
How far are you guys into the book now? Half-way?
falconempress on 31 March 2009, 00:52 said:
thank all the gods i never got that far into the book and erased the pdf file somewhere around page 30.
and – THAT IS NOT HOW BREATHING WORKS!!! (insert Morbo picture here) – dolphins are the only mammals in the world whose breathing is not automatic, or controlled by the part of your brain which runs on auto – pilot, so to speak. You dont control your digestion and you dont control your breathing. you cannot “forget how to breathe”. Oh wait, this is the special Bella we are talking about, how silly of me to apply reason in this case
LucyWannabe on 31 March 2009, 00:58 said:
I somehow blanked out on remembering this scene. Drat, and you dredged it all back up for me! (But in a funny way, at least)
Reggie on 31 March 2009, 01:54 said:
fe: with stupidity like bella’s, anything is possible.
Amelie on 31 March 2009, 10:18 said:
Ugh, I am so totally squicked out by this book. It’s not even funny. Well, actually it kind of is. But not when you consider that there are millions of people who actually LIKE it. shudders happyplacehappyplace
Lord Snow on 31 March 2009, 11:05 said:
SWQ: We are a little bit over half way done.
Juniper on 31 March 2009, 12:51 said:
Hahahahahaha- HE ATE HER TEAR. Oh wow, my sides hurt. “EWW” is about right.
Apep on 31 March 2009, 13:54 said:
Awesome work, guys.
And now, just because this is Twilight, I feel I should point this out: Cracked.com ran an article on “5 Rediculous (Safe for Work) Fetishes”. #2 was statues. Apparently there are two of them: agalmatophilia (attracted to actual statues) and “medusa fetish” (attracted to people/images that look like statues). I’m not sure which one Bella/SMeyer has, but either way, that’s pretty messed up.
The fact that these fetishes exist unsettles me on a fundamental level.
Puppet on 31 March 2009, 16:38 said:
You called Edward a she at least twice, but I guess it doesn’t matter seeing how I imagine him as a boy with lipstick and eye shade.
Kevin on 31 March 2009, 17:25 said:
Did the tear eating happen in the movie? I can’t even see the most hardcore fans being able to take that seriously when actually presented with the image.
Snow White Queen on 31 March 2009, 19:13 said:
Mmm, salty.
bursts out laughing
I have a request for Kitty to PLEASE illustrate that scene on Paint!
Former Twilight Fan on 31 March 2009, 19:28 said:
:) Not as funny as some of your other sporkings, but still made me smile. Now that I think of it, the tear-eating WAS weird. Glad that wasn’t in the film.
Apep- That fetish is scary. Almost as scary as the avid fans (I think your sporks have turned me over to the dark side.) I think Bella and SMeyer have the medusa fetish. winces
I’d hate to see her in an art museum.
…On second thought, she’d stop poisoning teenaged minds with her novels (because she’d be locked in a straitcoat for trying to pour glitter all over the David statue and calling it “David Cullen”.)
:D
- Former Twilight Fan
Artimaeus on 31 March 2009, 19:41 said:
I don’t know, when Bela grabbed her throat, I took it to mean that she was implying that Edward would eat her for breakfast (you know, because he’s a vampire and vampires bite people’s throats). Not that she was choking… Or were you guys just looking for an excuse to bring up Darth Vader?
Otherwise, top notch sporking. It adds a whole new meaning to the “single tear”. Ugh.
Snow White Queen on 31 March 2009, 20:18 said:
If Darth Vader magically showed up in Twilight, we’d have no more problems.
SlyShy on 31 March 2009, 20:37 said:
Oh good, I’m not the only one who thought that…
Puppet on 31 March 2009, 21:12 said:
Or, Bella was just being stupid…..
Juniper on 31 March 2009, 21:30 said:
I always thought she was pretending that Edward meant “time for
me to eat you forbreakfast.” She clutched her throat because she was protecting it from Edward. (Not smart to tease a vampire, if you ask me.)Then Edward scolded her by saying “that’s not funny”. If I were him I would have smacked her. And then ate her.
Puppet on 31 March 2009, 21:37 said:
You seem to think that slapping people is the answer to everything related to Twilight.
I agree.
Although I wouldn’t eat Bella no matter how annoying her smell was, I imagine her as some fat annoying slob.
Former Twilight Fan on 31 March 2009, 21:54 said:
If I were him I would have smacked her. And then ate her.
LOL! Good solution.
Snow White Queen on 31 March 2009, 22:47 said:
Well, with those marble hands, smacking her should break her into bite sized pieces, all ready to snack on.
Rand on 2 April 2009, 22:54 said:
RE: Tear-Consumption
WHAT. That is disgusting.
RE: My Favorite bit.
I flushed with pleasure (p.166)
R— What a coincidence—that’s the same action I took with this book.
Very punny!
RE: Darth Vader
Never. How could he tarnish his cape and shiny black boots by stepping into the most backwards series of all time?
Stranger than death on 3 April 2009, 08:41 said:
I’m guessing the Author is a virgin?
Juniper on 3 April 2009, 19:34 said:
That may be a trend worth tracking.
Juniper on 3 April 2009, 19:36 said:
That is to say, Twilight seems to make people mad and act out. D’oh.
Snow White Queen on 3 April 2009, 20:29 said:
Quote: I’m guessing the Author is a virgin?
I thought she was married with kids?
SlyShy on 5 April 2009, 00:35 said:
So there you go. I would imagine she’s not a virgin.
Zahano on 6 April 2009, 20:47 said:
Pancho is only a nickname for Francisco. Stupid white people.
Lord Snow on 6 April 2009, 21:20 said:
Fail.
Sinister Minister on 8 April 2009, 15:12 said:
That last part?
“Mm, yes, your anguish sustains me.”
Dominique on 3 August 2010, 08:07 said:
I’m rereading the EWW for fun, and it just reminded me of how utterly abysmal this book is. Specifically, that Bella is conveniently in the one article of clothing she owns which is specifically feminine (her skirt) when she goes all Fifties Romance and FAINTS IN EDWARD’S ARMS. SHE FAINTS FROM HIS KISSES, PEOPLE. It’s like Meyer was born in the thirties, for Pete’s sake. How she can claim Bella is a modern, independent woman with a straight face is a complete mystery.