Sly here… There was an introduction from Lord Snow, but in my boneheadedness I erased it. My apologies. Anyway, today we have a guest EWWer, our good friend Christopher “Fake” Paolini. Enjoy the grossness.

14. Mind Over Matter

“Are you ever going to tell me how old you are?” I asked, tentative, not wanting to upset his buoyant humor.

K— His humor floats.
CP — Bella is following “Ten Steps You Need to Take to Never Meet Chris Hansen”.

“Does it matter much?” His smile, to my relief, remained unclouded. (p.147)

LS— I’m calling Dateline.
K— Why don’t you have a seat over there.
SS— a/s/l, Edward, a/s/l. It’s not that hard to answer. 108/m/transylvania.

He gazed into the sun; the minutes passed. (p.147)

LS— Probably not a good idea.

“I was seventeen, and dying of the Spanish influenza.” He heard my intake of breath (p.148)

LS— Really? That shocking? Spoiler: He doesn’t really die. I thought you would figure that out since, you know, you are talking to him.
K— Damn, I was hoping it would be something cooler, like cholera or leprosy…
SS— Bella’s thoughts: “Oh my poor Edward. Oh no! What if he’s dead! Then I’ll never be able to touch him again! :C Wait…”
CP — Bella’s just surprised because she thinks that the Spanish Influenza was where they expelled the Jews from Spain.

“How did he…save you?” (p.148)

LS— Oh, wow, you really are dim aren’t you? Maybe he saved him by turning him into a vampire?
SS— Naw, he just gave him a flu shot.

looking away from the unbearable beauty of his eyes. (p.148)

LS— Cream Count: 109

my hopeless addiction to him. (p.150)

LS— Urgh, yes, we get it, you are all heroin addicts.
K— This isn’t a positive thing, Smeyer.
SS— Helluva drug.
CP — That’s cocaine, Mr. James. Plus, cocaine seems to be a pretty hopeful addiction, like, “I hope I get more cocaine!” I would compare this more to emotional addiction, like disappointment or Twilight fanhood.

I couldn’t picture it, this godlike creature sitting in my father’s shabby kitchen chair. (p.150)

LS— Cream Count: 110

I had to peek at him constantly to be sure he was still there. (p.150)

LS— God, you’re clingy.
SS— “I had to text him constantly to make sure he was still alive.”

Still pale, still dreamlike in his beauty, but no longer the fantastic sparkling creature of our sunlit afternoon. (p.150)

LS— What a disgusting line. Cream Count: 112

He reached the door ahead of me and opened it for me. I paused halfway through the frame.
“The door was unlocked?”
“No, I used the key from under the eave.”
I stepped inside, flicked on the porch light, and turned to look at him with my eyebrows raised. I was sure I’d never used that key in front of him.
“I was curious about you.”
“You spied on me?” But somehow I couldn’t infuse my voice with the proper outrage. I was flattered.
He was unrepentant. “What else is there to do at night?” (p.150)

LS— Sooo many things wrong with this. Why would she be flattered? He is stalking her. The fact that neither of them find anything wrong with this shows that they have some serious issues.
CP — And to think, if Edward Cullen had discovered Cinemax a mere two weeks earlier, his romance with Bella might never have been.

His beauty lit up the kitchen. It was a moment before I could look away. (p.150)

LS— Cream Count: 113

“How often did you come here?”
“I come here almost every night.”
I whirled, stunned. “Why?”
“You’re interesting when you sleep.” He spoke matter-of-factly. “You talk.”
“No!” I gasped, heat flooding my face all the way to my hairline. I gripped the kitchen counter for support. I knew I talked in my sleep, of course; my mother teased me about it. I hadn’t thought it was something I needed to worry about here, though.
His expression shifted instantly to chagrin. “Are you very angry with me?”
“That depends!” I felt and sounded like I’d had the breath knocked out of me.
He waited.
“On?” he urged.
“What you heard!” I wailed. (p.151)

LS— Wow, really? You’re only mad depending on what he heard you say while he was WATCHING YOU SLEEP? This is just ridiculous.
K— I don’t like Bella. She’s a bitch.
CP — I think it’s less creepy that he watches her sleep, and more creepy that he comes while doing so.

“None of the boys in town your type, eh?” He was suspicious, but trying to play it cool.
“No, none of the boys have caught my eye yet.” I was careful not to over-emphasize the word boys in my quest to be truthful with Charlie.
“I thought maybe that Mike Newton…you said he was friendly.”
“He’s just a friend, Dad.” (p.153)

LS— No, he isn’t. He is obviously not your friend, you do everything in your power to avoid him and everyone else who does not have the ability to sparkle.
SS— UrbanDictionary must have an incredibly specific phrase for what Mike Newton is.
CP — I think it’s an Angry Dragon.

“‘Night, honey,” he called after me. No doubt he would be listening carefully all evening, waiting for me to try to sneak out.
“See you in the morning, Dad.” See you creeping into my room tonight at midnight to check on me. (p.153)

LS— What? It is ok when your stalker boyfriend does it but not ok when your father does?
CP — As long as her dad’s not doing any of the other stuff Edward was. grossface

becoming a statue on the edge of my bed. (p.154)

LS— Statue Count: 16
SS— Hardness of his hardness, indeed.

But the hot water of the shower couldn’t be rushed. It unknotted the muscles in my back, calmed my pulse.The familiar smell of my shampoo made me feel like I might be the same person I had been this morning. I tried not to think of Edward, sitting in my room, waiting, because then I had to start all over with the calming process. (p.154)

LS— Don’t kid yourself. You are naked in the shower and Edward is a creepy bastard with extreme sneaking skills. Put two and two together.
K— Nonsense, Edward is perfect. He wouldn’t do that.

Edward hadn’t moved a fraction of an inch, a carving of Adonis perched on my faded quilt. I smiled, and his lips twitched, the statue coming to life. (p.155)

LS— Statue Count: 18 Cream Count: 114

he breathed in the scent at my wrist (p.156)

LS— What’s with everyone sniffing each other all of the time in this?

Bring on the shackles — I’m your prisoner. (p.156)

LS— Kinky.
K[sings] I’ll let you whip me if I misbehaaaave…

I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry. (p.157)

LS— This really sounds like something an abusive boyfriend would say.

“Carlisle brought his compassion. Esme brought her ability to love passionately. Emmett brought his strength, Rosalie her… tenacity. Or you could call it pigheadedness.” he chuckled. “Jasper is very interesting. He was quite charismatic in his first life, able to influence those around him to see things his way. Now he is able to manipulate the emotions of those around him — calm down a room of angry people, for example, or excite a lethargic crowd, conversely. It’s a very subtle gift.” (p.159)

LS— Those are some lame super powers…
SS— Love passionately, ahahaha.
CP — Were I Jasper I would return that “subtle” gift, and exchange it for a name that isn’t shared with one of Cruella DeVille’s henchmen.

He laughed, and something touched my hair — his lips? (p.159)

LS— Ok, this line just had me laughing. I bet you all can imagine what my dirty little mind thought when she said “He laughed, and something touched my hair -”
K— There’s soda on my monitor now…

I wanted to turn toward him, to see if it was really his lips against my hair. But I had to be good; I didn’t want to make this any harder for him than it already was. (p.159)

LS— Ok, it just got a hell of a lot more funny.
KHARDER.
CP — Heh. This is really obvious, so instead of commenting on the package (hah), I’d like to point out that my name abbreviates to CP. Haha.

the voice of an archangel (p.161)

LS— Cream Count: 115

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Comment

  1. Hyde on 28 February 2009, 03:22 said:

    LS— Wow, really? Your only mad depending on what he heard you say while he was WATCHING YOU SLEEP? This is just ridiculous.

    QFT

    “No, none of the boys have caught my eye yet.” I was careful not to over-emphasize the word boys in my quest to be truthful with Charlie.

    ? She’s saying ‘cause he’s a man? Huh?

    LS— Statue Count: 16
    SS— Hardness of his hardness, indeed.

    Fucking epic.

    “It unknotted the muscles in my back, calmed my pulse.”

    Okay, I know that pointing out clichés in Twilight is like pointing out pervs on Myspace, but honestly, I think this one is a little egregious.

    K— Nonsense, Edward is perfect. He wouldn’t do that.

    But part of his perfection appears to be demonstrating his love through the erotic medium of stalking. So I’m not sure that his perfection can be used to prove he wouldn’t watch her in the shower.

    “Edward hadn’t moved a fraction of an inch”

    Why is it a good thing he’s too fucking stupid to even find a book to read in the meantime?

    He laughed, and something touched my hair — his lips? (p.159)

    Let’s play guess the body part!

    CP — Heh. This is really obvious, so instead of commenting on the package (hah), I’d like to point out that my name abbreviates to CP. Haha.

    No comment.

    Here’s what I don’t get about Twilight. Creepy old perv vampire finally finds naïve, easily manipulated girl whose “no” means “yes”. And then proceeds to be abstinent with her? Anyone able to explain?

  2. Jeni on 28 February 2009, 06:18 said:

    _“I was curious about you.”
    “You spied on me?” But somehow I couldn’t infuse my voice with the proper outrage. I was flattered.

    “Really, I’m grateful to rapists for giving me sex.”
    Bella, please leave the human race, you are a disgrace.

    He was unrepentant. “What else is there to do at night?”

    Why is EDWARD A ROLE MODEL? What the hell is wrong with my friends? What the hell is wrong with the female populous?

    I half hoped the movie had inserted this bit for lulz, but no, he really is a stalker.

    Great spork, guys.

  3. SubStandardDeviation on 28 February 2009, 06:31 said:

    He was unrepentant. “What else is there to do at night?” (p.150)

    I dunno, the same thing you did every night before the heroin of this tale showed up?

    LS— Those are some lame super powers…

    What Kind of Lame Power is Heart Anyway?

    CP — Were I Jasper I would return that “subtle” gift,

    Come now, fucking with people’s emotions can be a great super power. Edward’s already a master at it.

    the voice of an archangel (p.161)

    REPENT, THOU COVETOUS SINNER!” it boomed.

    And then proceeds to be abstinent with her? Anyone able to explain?

    Well, Meyer is a Mormon…

  4. OverlordDan on 28 February 2009, 11:38 said:

    I love these so much. I found out recently that almost every female member of my (quite large) family has not only read the books, but loves them unconditionaly. I say most because the rest don’t know how to read yet.

    Luckily, whenever they inevetably steer the conversation towards the books, I can think of articles like this, and laugh.

    Whats harder is trying to explain why I’m laughing…

    I can’t win :C

  5. CometStorm on 28 February 2009, 14:51 said:

    He was unrepentant. “What else is there to do at night?”

    Haha, I can think of a few things. [waggles eyebrows]

  6. SlyShy on 28 February 2009, 14:56 said:

    Haha, I can think of a few things. [waggles eyebrows]

    coughcough This raises a whole new set of questions. How did Edward stave off the loneliness all these years? Oh, stave. Heh.

  7. CometStorm on 28 February 2009, 15:13 said:

    How did Edward stave off the loneliness all these years?

    Um… I don’t know. How do guys stay celibate?

    Maybe he took up interpretive dance.

    (I was going to respond with: Haha, I can think of a few things. His family has got enough money, but I decided that would be a little inappropriate.. oops.)

  8. Lucywannabe on 28 February 2009, 16:28 said:

    Well, there are ways to take care of it yourself —coughs—

    Anyway, great sporking, guys. It’s actually not as hard to get through this crapular book when you’re reading it chunks with humorous barbs sprinkled in it.

    I’m also glad that all the females in my family hates it (including moi). Weeeee

  9. Snow White Queen on 28 February 2009, 17:55 said:

    Haha, the Sexyback reference made me laugh. That is the stupidest song ever, so of course it goes perfectly with Twilight.

  10. Ty on 28 February 2009, 18:22 said:

    I’d say make sure you don’t piss off too many factions of fandom — you could be treading in dangerous territory. The high-pitched shrieking of numerous Twihards combined with the guttural howls of Justin Timberlake fangirls could prove toxic to life on Earth.

  11. Kitty on 28 February 2009, 21:31 said:

    I like Justin Timberlake if only for the campiness he provides.

    SexyBack? BA HA HA

  12. Juniper on 1 March 2009, 15:37 said:

    Chapters like this remind me of what is so wroooooong about Twilight.

  13. SlyShy on 1 March 2009, 16:36 said:

    Yeah, I was shocked at how particularly bad some chapters are. Just offensively bad, or something.

  14. Octie on 2 March 2009, 02:34 said:

    Bring on the shackles — I’m your prisoner. (p.156)

    LOLOLOLOL COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT EVERYWHERE.

  15. Kevin on 7 March 2009, 12:04 said:

    I can’t decide if this book makes me angry or nauseous. There is room for both, I suppose.

    But your sporkery takes the edge off. Well done!

  16. Dominique on 20 June 2009, 23:00 said:

    He is stalking her, admits to it, and she isn’t angry at all. Her “wimmin’s” anger is because he might have, gasp, learned something embarrassing about her, not that he’s been WATCHING her, breaking into her house, following her by invading her friends’ minds, etc. I hate this idiotic series.

  17. fffan on 7 February 2010, 01:07 said:

    you should introduce “the plot” to your little trio.
    i can just see it now:

    Mr. plot: Can I make my entrance now?
    Smeyer: No.
    Mr. plot: Now?
    Smeyer: No.
    Mr. plot: Now?

    Edweird Cullen: Seriously, Bella, don’t go into the forest alone. I’m not the most dangerous thing around.
    Mr. plot: gasp I-I think it’s my time to shine.
    Bella: sure thing master.
    Mr. plot: sobs
    Mr. plot picks up a gun and with a shaking hand, lifts it up to his temple. he pulls the trigger…

  18. fffan on 7 February 2010, 05:35 said:

    lol
    He sees you when your sleeping. He knows when your awake