I know many of you have been waiting very patiently, so we decided to give you a chapter. Lately I (Lord Snow) have been having quite a lot of computer problems. My monitor died, then my computer itself died. So we have been a little behind lately. So here is a chapter! It was an extremely disgusting chapter, and the cream finally reaches three digits. Oh, and I should warn you, we have scrapped the side-note idea due to technical difficulties, so some of the more “inappropriate” comments have been mixed in. Nothing too offensive though…I hope. Anyways, I’d like to thank you all again for waiting. Hope you enjoy.

13. Confessions

His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday’s hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. (p.134)

LS— Oh no…I bet it was just FABULOUS!
K— I think your skin is faaaabulous!
SS— Yes, by now we are well aware that when you mean sparkle it is not figurative language. Unfortunately.

He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. (p.134)

LS— Would you like to toss in any more adjectives while you’re at it? Cream Count: 89
SS— Incandescent. Like Paolini, SMeyer isn’t fully aware of the implications of this word. Incandescence – the phenomenon of light emission by a body as its temperature is raised.

His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn’t sleep. (p.134)

LS— What the hell? Is he wearing make-up? Why are his eyelids lavender?
SS— Because his eyes are smoldering, so the skin is burning up.

A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, (p.134)

K— It’s mithril.

smooth like marble, glittering like crystal. (p.134)

LS— I think SM has some sort of statue fetish… She always describes him like this. Cream Count: 90

Now and then, his lips would move, so fast it looked like they were trembling. But, when I asked, he told me he was singing to himself; it was too low for me to hear. (p.134)

LS—…that line was just stupid.
K— Weird, I always pictured him as a baritone.
SS— He likes speed rapping or something? Also, I can’t even imagine what vampire rap would be like. “Imma vampire inna sun I need no umbrella. My bitch be a lily white cracka ass Bella.” Okay, so maybe I can imagine. I’m challenging you to write more lines.

The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence. (p.134)

K— Oh shoot, prepare for imminent purple prose explosion! (puts on goggles)

Hesitantly, always afraid, even now, that he would disappear like a mirage, too beautiful to be real…hesitantly, I reached out one finger and stroked the back of his shimmering hand, where it lay within my reach. I marveled again at the perfect texture, satin smooth, cool as stone. When I looked up again, his eyes were open, watching me. Butterscotch today, lighter, warmer after hunting. His quick smile turned up the corners of his flawless lips. (p.134)

LS— I bet you would like to reach out and stroke a different part of his shimmering, warm, smooth, perfect, cool, stone-like, light, flawless, and beautiful body. Wouldn’t you Bella? Also, I think I’m going to be sick. Cream Count: 95
SS— The goggles! They do nothing.

I lightly trailed my hand over the perfect muscles (p.134)

LS— Cream Count: 96
SS— There’s nothing about him that isn’t perfect, it’s perfectly obvious to me.

I looked up in time to see his golden eyes close again (p.134)

LS— Wait…didn’t you just say they were “butterscotch”?
K— Same thing! …er…
SS— I prefer the color ‘pisspot’.

His angel’s face was only a few inches from mine. I might have—should have—flinched away from his unexpected closeness, but I was unable to move. His golden eyes mesmerized me.(p.135)

LS— What’s with her and eyes? Cream Count: 98
SS— To be fair, I’m a sucker for eyes, but still. I think really, she just has sudden attacks of paralysis that she is rationalizing with her proximity to Edward.

I smelled his cool breath in my face. Sweet, delicious, the scent made my mouth water. It was unlike anything else. Instinctively, unthinkingly, I leaned closer, inhaling. (p.135)

LS— Now would be a good time to talk to someone about a restraining order…I feel the need to add another cream, so Cream Count: 99
K— Edward’s breath makes you high.
SS— If this concept wasn’t utterly revolting to me, I would say his saliva makes a pretty damn good soft drink.
LS— Oh, wow. I’m going to puke.

“I’m the world’s best predator, aren’t I? (p.135)

K— Excuse me, I need to laugh hysterically on the floor for a moment.
SS— That would be the liger.
K— It’s pretty much my favorite animal.

“Everything about me invites you in—my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!” (p.135)

K— “Jerk, shut your mouth flaps!”
SS— And your personality. Wait, no…uh, give me a moment, I want to figure this one out on my own.
LS— I’m sure the van that says “Free Candy” on the side helps invite people in, too. (Hey, he said he was the greatest predator.)

Unexpectedly, he was on his feet, bounding away, instantly out of sight, only to appear beneath the same tree as before, having circled the meadow in half a second. “As if you could outrun me,” he laughed bitterly. (p.135)

K— “Quit being such a jerk, Ed! I mean it this time!”
SS— If vampires were in the Olympics, America would win. Too bad they aren’t more patriotic. Or non-fictional.

He reached up with one hand and, with a deafening crack, effortlessly ripped a two-foot-thick branch from the trunk of the spruce. He balanced it in that hand for a moment, and then threw it with blinding speed, shattering it against another huge tree, which shook and trembled at the blow. And he was in front of me again, standing two feet away, still as a stone. “As if you could fight me off,” he said gently. (p.135-136)

LS— Picturing this scene is hilarious. He is running around like the freaking Energizer Bunny, trying to seem threatening, while sparkling the entire time.
SSWow, just wow. I can see why this scene did not make it into the movie. I’ve been informed this scene was in fact in the movie. And I guess I remember it now. It’s just that the book’s description is even stupider than it was in the movie. Wow.

He’d never been less human…or more beautiful. (p.136)

LS— Uh oh. Cream Count: 100 It finally hit three digits.
K— (waves flag and opens bottle of bubbly) Now let us sing Auld Lang Syne!
SS— Cheers. For some time tonight I’ll forget my sorrows, but that’ll be little comfort the next morning.

His lovely eyes seem to glow with rash excitement. Then, as the seconds passed, they dimmed. His expression slowly folded into a mask of ancient sadness. “Don’t be afraid,” he murmured, his velvet voice unintentionally seductive. “I promise…” He hesitated. “I swear not to hurt you.” (p.136)

LS— Cream Count: 102
K— He scares because he cares. This message brought to you by Monsters, Incorporated.
SS— I imagine his eyes being somewhat like HAL.
K— “I’m sorry, Bella, I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“Are you all right?” he asked tenderly, reaching out slowly, carefully, to place his marble hand back in mine. (p.136)

LSENOUGH WITH THE STONE REFERENCES!
SS— Hardness of his Hardness.

His answering smile was dazzling. (p.136)

LS— Cream Count: 103

His voice was harsher than usual. Harsh for him, still more beautiful than any human voice. It was hard to keep up — his sudden mood changes left me always a step behind, dazed. (p.137)

LS— Is she the teenage girl, or is he? Because he seems to be the one with all of the mood changes. Cream Count: 104
K— Abusive boyfriends are like that. Seriously.

He looked back at me and smiled, his mood shifting yet again. (p.137)

LS— This is getting annoying.
SS— Perhaps Edward has a three hour menstrual cycle.

“You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he’d gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let’s say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac — and filled the room with its warm aroma — how do you think he would fare then?” (p.137)

LS— In other words: “I like alcohol. You are like alcohol. I like you.”
SS— This is somewhat of an improvement over, “I like heroin. You are like heroin. I like you.”

“Maybe that’s not the right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead.” (p.138)

K— No, Edward is like the kid you knew in kindergarten who would sniff glue a lot. Bella is his special brand of Elmer’s.
SS— Gluesniffer’s Anonymous seems like a sad little organization.

“So what you’re saying is, I’m your brand of heroin?” I teased, trying to lighten the mood. (p.138)

K— (tugs hair in frustration) Use “said”! It’s not a bad word! GAH! Make it end!
SS— But hawt guys don’t say things. They whisper them seductively into the nape of your neck, sending tingles down your spine.

He smiled swiftly, seeming to appreciate my effort. “Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin.” (138)

LS— This is just getting more and more ridiculous. Anyways, I should correct myself. Now he is saying, “I like heroin. You are like heroin. I like you.” I’m sure this is a much better analogy. I’m guessing all teenage girls just love being compared to nasty, deadly, illegal drugs.
SS— Oh, here is that line.

He lifted his glorious, agonized eyes to mine. (p.140)

LS— I’ve never heard of an eye fetish before this. Cream Count: 104
SS— One day Bella will realize those were just expensive contact lenses.

“I’m an idiot.” (p.140)

LS— I agree.

“You are an idiot,” he agreed with a laugh. (p.141)

LS— See? The statue agrees, too.
SS— I know a lot of relationships incorporate light hearted teasing, but it becomes less okay when one partner genuinely believes it.

Our eyes met, (p.141)

K— —and suddenly, BEES! Hundreds of them!

and I laughed, too. We laughed together at the idiocy and sheer impossibility of such a moment. (p.141)

LS— I also think this moment is very idiotic. But, it doesn’t make me want to laugh. It makes me want to cut myself.
SS— I would give the usual advice, but I realized you probably are trying to kill yourself.

“And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…” he murmured. (p.141)

KSYMBOLISM
SS— And they had horrific crossbred children. Or maybe that isn’t till the third book.

I looked away, hiding my eyes as I thrilled to the word. (p.141)

“What a stupid lamb,” I sighed.

LS— Yes, Bella. We have been over this many, many times. Everybody agrees that you are pants on head stupid.
K— Not just pants on head stupid…how do I shot web stupid.

“What a sick, masochistic lion.” (p.141)

LS— It’s almost like he is referring to us making ourselves read this drivel.
K— It’s alright, Smeyer, we forgive you.
SS— I can’t forgive the ball-gag, actually.

I can […] make this harder for you. (p.141)

LS— Sorry, I had too.

his marble hands (p.141)

LS— Seriously? Again?
SS— As opposed to his granite hand, which he reserves for serious business.

he was touching me. And then, too soon, he released me. (p.142)

K— Run away, Bella! He’s insane!

His eyes were peaceful. “It won’t be so hard again,” he said with satisfaction. (p.142)

LS— Oh, how I love innuendo.

I barely noticed, for I was touching his face, something I’d dreamed of constantly since the first day I’d seen him. (p.142)

LS— The “for I was touching his face” line makes me laugh, for some reason. Probably how pathetic it is. I mean, who dreams of touching someones face?
K— I did (sniff)…except I was punching someone, so I guess that counts as touching, right?

immobile as stone, a carving under my hand. (p.142)

LS— Oh my god, Bella. I don’t know how crazy you are, but your boyfriend is not a rock.
SS— Maybe her psychosis can be perfectly explained. You see, when she was a child she was very lonely. And she wished her pet rock would talk to her. So now, Edward is the mental aberration of her childhood hallucinations.

I caressed his cheek, delicately stroked his eyelid, the purple shadow in the hollow under his eye. (p.142)

LS— You stroked his eyelid? He has a purple shadow under his eye? How is that at all attractive?
K— Maybe she’s into the emo type.
LS— Except that this isn’t make-up.

I traced the shape of his perfect nose, and then, so carefully, his flawless lips. (p.142)

LS— Cream Count: 106
SS— Traced over them with a Sharpie! Dahahaha, look how silly he looks!

stone chest (p.143)

LS— This stone stuff is getting very irritating. Cream Count:107
SS— Bella is a gold-digger. Get it?

I could hear a smile in his voice. (p.143)

LS— Do I need to say anything?

His mouth twitched up into that crooked smile so beautiful my heart nearly stopped. (p.143)

LS— You have heart issues… Cream Count: 107
K— Oh crumpets, what do you want to bet she dies of the pretty? …Yeah, I wouldn’t bet on that either…

It was like clinging to a stone. (p.144)

LSSTOP IT!
SS— And then he brought his hard foot down, stomping on my finger. I let out a scream as the vertigo engulfed me, making the cliffside into a vague blur. There was an instant of bone shattering impact and then I died.

I could almost hear his eyes rolling. (p.144)

LS— Just like you could hear his smile?
SS— Well, if his eyes were made of stone, you probably would hear them rolling. It would sound like rock scraping against rock.

He startled me, suddenly grabbing my hand, pressing my palm to his face, and inhaling deeply. (p.144)

LS— …Wow. Just, wow.
K— Amazing. Bella, just when I think you’ve achieved maximum stupidity, you outdo yourself.

I felt as if I were stupidly sticking my head out the window of an airplane in flight. (p.144)

LS— That actually sounds like something you would do.
K— Hehe…don’t call me Shirley!

“Hah! You’re as white as a ghost—no, you’re as white as me!” (p.145)

LS— Ha. Haha. That was a knee-slapper.
SS— I lol’d.

His beauty stunned my mind (p.145)

LS— Cream Count: 108
SS— Nature’s Beauty (Casting Time: 6) Illusion. The caster transforms himself/herself into an ideal form of beauty for a brief moment. All who witnessed it (5’ radius) will go blind permanently (or until dispelled). Furthermore, if they fail a save v. spells (+3 bonus), they’ll die of pining for the beauty. Yes, I’m just about the only person on Earth who has played a decent amount of DnD 2.0.

And then his cold, marble lips pressed very softly against mine. (p.145)

LS— Oh, god.
SS— And…it felt like kissing rocks. What’s so appealing?

I felt him turn to unresponsive stone beneath my lips. (p.145)

LS— That’s it. Statue Count: 15
K— That’s it? The end of all that ridiculous squeeing and girlboners and all she gets is a kiss? Smeyer, just stop right now.

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Comment

  1. SubStandardDeviation on 2 February 2009, 02:24 said:

    They had casting times in AD&D? In a turn based game?!

    The statue count is frightening. I also notice this is the first EWW where you couldn’t manage through two chapters in one go, and I can see why.

  2. Addie on 2 February 2009, 02:43 said:

    Wow … That’s a lot of stone references …

    “ … running around like the freaking Energizer Bunny, trying to seem threatening, while sparkling the entire time.”

    LOL

    What a picture.

  3. SlyShy on 2 February 2009, 02:44 said:

    AD&D/D&D 2.0 used six second rounds to denote actions. So that spell took six rounds, or thirty six seconds. It doesn’t have the move action, minor action, combat action business of 3.0.

  4. Kitty on 2 February 2009, 02:49 said:

    You are such a nerd.

  5. SlyShy on 2 February 2009, 02:54 said:

    Go on, pretend like it’s a bad thing. :P

  6. scary_viking on 2 February 2009, 03:00 said:

    Nerdage can be extremely epic at times.

  7. SubStandardDeviation on 2 February 2009, 03:17 said:

    AD&D/D&D 2.0 used six second rounds to denote actions. So that spell took six rounds, or thirty six seconds. It doesn’t have the move action, minor action, combat action business of 3.0.

    Apparently in 4e, combat rounds are still technically six seconds long.

    So…your mage was stuck still casting the same spell during each of your turns, while your buddies were hacking/stabbing/shooting/whatever? Sounds pretty boring.

  8. SlyShy on 2 February 2009, 03:19 said:

    Combat was generally pretty boring in 2.0, honestly. Being a mage was still fun in a power gaming sort of way.

  9. trexmaster on 2 February 2009, 03:52 said:

    Mmm…creamy.

  10. falconempress on 2 February 2009, 06:01 said:

    ew. just…ew. I am so happy i never made it past page 30 in the damn brick. i suddenly have a very intense feeling of slime. need to go take a shower.

    stone references wtf. hey, maybe smeyer was stoned when writing this! it suddenly explains so very much!

  11. OverlordDan on 2 February 2009, 08:03 said:

    I love these things :)

    Oh, and a round is 5 sec in 4th Edition now. That keeps screwing me up, that last second really counts :/

  12. Lucywannabe on 2 February 2009, 12:18 said:

    Ahahahah…I love you guys. Seriously. And the stone comparisons…seriously, Smeyer, wtf? I HAVE read a vampire as being described as marble-like before…but the particular author of that story only mentioned it ONCE. That was the only time she described her character that way…in a ROMANCE NOVEL. Then again, Linda Lael Miller is a better writer than Smeyer…

    Oh, and these lines are my fave:

    *SS— I imagine his eyes being somewhat like HAL.
    K— “I’m sorry, Bella, I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

    LS— The “for I was touching his face” line makes me laugh, for some reason. Probably how pathetic it is. I mean, who dreams of touching someones face?
    K— I did (sniff)…except I was punching someone, so I guess that counts as touching, right?*

  13. Ty on 2 February 2009, 12:43 said:

    Now I’ve got this impossible-to-shake impression of Twilight as a cream casserole. Layers and layers of disgustingly thick cream and cheese poured over pieces of marble rock and, beneath a few unfortunate globs of creamstuff, golden eyes that give off UV radiation. Oh, the bottom is lined with sparkly diamonds. Yes, if you eat it, you will die.

  14. bobtheenchantedone on 2 February 2009, 12:56 said:

    “Oh crumpets, what do you want to bet she dies of the pretty?”

    And there was much laughter.

  15. Apep on 2 February 2009, 15:54 said:

    Now, I have listened to Chicago’s “Addicted to You”, but actually comparing your girlfriend to a drug? WTF?

  16. SlyShy on 2 February 2009, 17:14 said:

    Hehe, Chicago, I love that band.

  17. Cory on 2 February 2009, 21:18 said:

    I loved this post! and agree whole heartedly.

    P.S. how long does it usually take for something submitted to be put up?

  18. Virgil on 2 February 2009, 23:37 said:

    Depends on how quickly the editors spot it, until you become staff and just do it yourself.

    Good stuff on the EWW.

  19. Artimaeus on 3 February 2009, 01:02 said:

    Honestly, what the hell is it with that woman and marble? I suddenly have this image in my mind of SMeyer being escorted from the Louvre after the french caught her making out with one of their statues.

  20. Gia on 3 February 2009, 12:05 said:

    “a two-foot-thick branch from the trunk of the spruce.”
    Does that bother anybody else? The branch is two feet in diameter. Two Feet! Normal branches are not that big on spruce tree? Has SMeyer even seen one? There could be a branch two inches in diameter, but not two feet.

  21. Cory on 3 February 2009, 12:18 said:

    Yeah Gia, but the sparkly stalker man had to look totally XC and pull out the impossibly large branch. He is having problems compensating for the rather feminine glittery skin.

  22. Rand on 3 February 2009, 18:23 said:

    “If vampires were in the Olympics, America would win. Too bad they aren’t more patriotic. Or non-fictional.”

    I agree. Hit the target as usual.

  23. Zahano on 4 February 2009, 18:36 said:

    Hilarious. There are some typographical errors.
    “They whisper them seductively into the nap of your neck, sending tingles down your spine.”
    NAPE of your neck, if you please.

    “…how do I shot web stupid.”
    SHOOT web.

    Probably a few more, but never mind them.

    Good job.

  24. SlyShy on 4 February 2009, 19:18 said:

    Thanks for point out the mistakes, I’ll fix them later tonight.

  25. Dan Locke on 4 February 2009, 21:43 said:

    Except that “how do I shot web” is supposed to be incorrect.

    The timing of the heroin comment was way off, though. It was before the line itself.

  26. Kitty on 6 February 2009, 02:22 said:

    Zahano, that’s an internet meme. It’s spelled that way. Always.

  27. Lookingforme on 6 February 2009, 16:14 said:

    Yay! I’ve been waiting for this for a looong time…as in checking up on the site almost every night. Yes, I am pathetic. But our school musical is coming up, which means lots of stress for me, so I REALLY needed a boost—and this was perfect! I never did realize that there were that many rock comparisons; which is totally ridiculous. I’ve never been kissed before, but I’m fairly sure that if I wanted to kiss something cold and hard, I could fulfill my (friggin’ weird) fetish on the kitchen sink or something.

  28. SlyShy on 6 February 2009, 16:54 said:

    Yeah. I think when Stephanie Meyer heard that the statue of Adonis was the complete expression of male beauty, she didn’t realize they didn’t mean the stone.

    What musical is it?

  29. Nate Winchester on 6 February 2009, 17:28 said:

    I don’t know Sly. You hear all the times about guys being “rock hard ___”.

    Or maybe she has a rule 34 about statues.

  30. Dan Locke on 6 February 2009, 18:19 said:

    “Rock-hard” refers to muscle tone. As in, “rock-hard abs”. It doesn’t mean that the guy looks like “a perfect statue, carved from an unknown stone”.

    Also, Rule 34 of the Internet is, “There is porn of it. No exceptions.” I don’t think that that’s what you meant.

  31. Zahano on 6 February 2009, 20:13 said:

    Kitty — Yes, ma’am. I will take your word for it. The world of internet memes is not my forte. I would ask you to have a footnote, but I guess that is ridiculous.

    She likes the hardness. Or perhaps she is just stoned.

  32. Lookingforme on 7 February 2009, 13:42 said:

    We’re doing “Bye Bye Birdie” — another piece of “artwork” with a great message. “Hey girls, it’s a-OK if your boyfriend is a wimp/jerk, you should stick with him, because he’s way better than that rock star over there. Plus, having a boyfriend is your ONLY REASON FOR LIVING!!”
    WTF?!
    Sorry, I’m really grumpy because I have A TON of homework.

  33. Wanderer Fan on 9 February 2009, 20:05 said:

    Oh! I found a typo.

    At Cream Count: 99, you said you needed to “ad” another one.

    Zahano, it’s possible that she’s a frigging drug addict…on some new drug that makes you act normally and look normally, but be really retarded…It would explain things, haha…

    I can’t recall, is it this chapter, the next, or a different one in which Cullen goes, “Friends don’t let friends drive drunk. You’re intoxicated by my presence.”

    Epic, youse guys. Simply epic.

  34. Lord Snow on 9 February 2009, 20:18 said:

    Yep, I think he says that in this one.

  35. Snow White Queen on 20 February 2009, 16:40 said:

    Oh, god, I’ve missed these.

  36. Addie on 20 February 2009, 16:46 said:

    Wow, SWQ, you’re back! Yay!

  37. Snow White Queen on 20 February 2009, 18:05 said:

    Yep, more or less. :D

  38. Moonehs on 5 March 2009, 14:01 said:

    “Imma vampire inna sun I need no umbrella. My bitch be a lily white cracka ass Bella.” Okay, so maybe I can imagine. I’m challenging you to write more lines.

    “When I be swingin’ bats, yo’ see them crack. It’s like thunder OH so we play in the storms like Big Ben”

    Okay, so it sucks, but it was a challenge, and I just had to!

  39. SMARTALIENQT on 24 May 2009, 11:00 said:

    He likes speed rapping or something? Also, I can’t even imagine what vampire rap would be like. “Imma vampire inna sun I need no umbrella. My bitch be a lily white cracka ass Bella.” Okay, so maybe I can imagine. I’m challenging you to write more lines.

    OK, I read this and collapsed on my bed, shaking with laughter in a manner reminiscent of an epileptic fit.

    To answer your challenge:

    Imma cold sparkly statue made of pretty white granite. I’m such a superhero I’m not from this planet.

    OK, lame, but for someone who thinks they left out the C in “rap”…

  40. SlyShy on 24 May 2009, 11:19 said:

    My colleague Reginold actually wrote and produced a Twilight Rap. We’ve just been waiting for the right time to release it. :)

  41. Vera79 on 13 June 2009, 23:23 said:

    This was hilarious!! My stomach hurts from laughing so hard.

  42. Terice on 5 August 2009, 00:02 said:

    Ok i read this, and started laughing, and then i like, died for two minutes.