Ok, here is the third part of the Twilight EWW. I’m going to warn you in advance, there will be innuendo (heck yes).
5. Blood Type
“It was hard to believe that someone so beautiful could be real.” (p.45)
LS— Cream Count: 30
SS— In fact, he exists only in a paperback young adult’s novel.
“I was afraid that he might disappear in a sudden puff of smoke, and I would wake up.” (p.45)
LS— Well, it would make a story that was actually interesting.
““I think your friends are angry with me for stealing you.”“ (p.45)
LS— Well, lucky for you Mr. Cullen, Bella doesn’t actually have friends, just yappy little lap dogs that she uses to feel good about herself.
SS— Kind of like Paris Hilton’s chihuahua. You know, they are just not so stylish accessories.
“The breathtaking crooked smile reappeared.” (p.45)
LS— Cream Count: 31
“But I’m warning you now that I’m not a good friend for you.” (p.46)
LS— And I’m warning you that she isn’t a good friend for anybody.
““You say that a lot,” I noted, trying to ignore the sudden trembling in my stomach and keep my voice
even.
“Yes, because you’re not listening to me. I’m still waiting for you to believe it. If you’re smart, you’ll avoid
me.”“ (p.46)
LS— No kidding, he says this every time they talk. It’s getting kind of annoying.
““So, as long as I’m being… not smart, we’ll try to be friends?” I struggled to sum up the confusing
exchange.” (p.46)
LS— I have a feeling they will be friends for a long, long time. “That sounds about right.” Oh, why thank you, Edward. I’m glad you agree.
“his ocher eyes scorching” “His eyes still smoldered at me.” (p.48)
LS— Cream Count: 33
““You’re dangerous?” I guessed, my pulse quickening” (p.49)
LS— “Good, because I’m kinky like that.”
“He was dangerous. He’d been trying to tell me that all along.” (p.49)
LS— Thanks Captain O. That must have been hard to figure out, seeing how he was being so cryptic.
SS— Oh man! I can’t believe I missed that my first read through. Twilight is just one of those books I could just read again and again and get more out of!
““But not bad,” I whispered, shaking my head. “No, I don’t believe that you’re bad.”
“You’re wrong.”“ (p.49)
LS— “I’ve been a very naughty boy, and you’re going to have to punish me.”
“Mike looked resentful; Angela looked surprised, and slightly awed.” (p.49)
LS— “Bow to me mortal girl! I have befriended the perfect and sexy vampire god!”
“His voice was like melting honey. I could imagine how much more overwhelming his eyes would be.” (p.54)
LS— Cream Count: 35
SS— As far as I know, honey is already, you know, a liquid. So unless SMeyer likes honey Popsicles, I hate this analogy.
““Mike-schmike.” I muttered, preoccupied by the way he’d said “you and I.” I liked it more than I should.”
LS— Good job, Bella you… almost rhymed while being a total bitch.
“I was preparing to give him the silent treatment — my face in full pout mode” (p.55)
LS— Umm… I’m pretty sure he basically just kidnapped you, and all you do is think about giving him the cold shoulder and then pouting?
SS— I play my blue eyes white face down in pout mode!!!
“his heavenly face” “He turned to look me straight in the face, utilizing the full power of his burning gold eyes.” (p.57-58)
LS— Cream Count: 37
““Don’t be offended, but you seem to be one of those people who just attract accidents like a magnet. So… try not to fall into the ocean or get run over or anything, all right?” (p.58)
LS— Balance Fail: 16 (All references to Bella’s ridiculous clumsiness will be counted.)
SS— That is, if accidents were magnetic.
““I’ll see what I can do,” I snapped as I jumped out into the rain. I slammed the door behind me with excessive force.” (p,58)
LS— Ok, how does she react more harshly to this than to being forced into a car against her will?
6. Scary Stories
“She did have a lot of questions about lunch, though.” (p. 58)
SS— Questions like: what really is in the mystery meat anyways?
““So what did Edward Cullen want yesterday?” Jessica asked in Trig.” (p.58)
LS— Why is it always “Edward Cullen” instead of just “Edward” or just “Cullen?”
SS— I misread that as asking one of Sarah Palin’s kids a question.
“She seemed annoyed; she flipped her dark curls impatiently.” (p. 58)
SS— This is both showing and telling in the same sentence. Quite unnecessary. If she hadn’t said “She seemed annoyed” we still could have gotten that just from her second clause.
“And I couldn’t stop the gloom that engulfed me as I realized I didn’t know how long I would have to wait before I saw him again.” (p. 58)
SS— Oh, what an existential crisis, she won’t see Edward from a distance for a day.
“Maybe the outing wouldn’t be completely miserable.” (p.58)
LS— URGH!
“I really didn’t know her well at all, certainly not well enough for her to dislike me — or so I’d thought.” (p.59)
LS— Maybe she is just good at figuring out when people are ridiculously shallow.
SS— Hell, even I’m able to do that. The shallow girls are the ones eyeing Edward Cullen.
““She’s my friend; she sits with us,” Mike whispered back loyally, but also a bit territorially.” (p.59)
LS— Like she would still find a flaw in someone sticking up for her.
SS— Deleted from the book: where Mike urinates on a tree to mark his territory. Or maybe that isn’t till the werewolves appear.
“That one gave me a dirty look as I got out of the truck, and whispered something to Lauren. Lauren shook out her cornsilk hair and eyed me scornfully. So it was going to be one of those days. (p.59)
LS— What, you can hate all but one of the other characters but nobody can hate you?
SS— Hell woman, I would eye you scornfully if I saw the way you crawl over the body of the hottest guy in school. How classy.
““You came!” he called, delighted.” (p.59)
LS— He’s delighted because it is the first time he has ever made that happen. (I apologize, but it had to be done.)
SS— Yeah…
“On the other hand, I’d also fallen into them a lot.” (p.61)
LS— Balance Fail: 17
SS— Fallen into what? A vat of stupid?
“Mike gave me a huge smile when he saw that I was coming.” (p.61)
LS— She really needs to stop saying that.
SS— …Just don’t combine that phrase with the big smile, please.
“I was very cautious not to lean too far over the little ocean ponds.” (p.61)
LS— Balance Fail: 18
SS— Oh okay, little ocean ponds of stupid.
“I was completely absorbed, except for one small part of my mind that wondered what Edward was doing now, and trying to imagine what he would be saying if he were here with me.”
LS— Wow, this is getting really creepy…
SS— According to the completely false fact, humans only use 10% of their brain power. Bella uses the other 90% to fantasise about Edward.
“I tried to keep up better this time through the woods, so naturally I fell a few times.” (p.61)
LS— Balance Fail: 19
SS— I kept waiting for this to be more comical. Like walking into a tree trunk, or, tripping over a root, falling into a nest of raccoons and getting her face devoured by the little monsters.
“a boy who looked to be the oldest of the visitors rattled off the names of the seven others with him. All I caught was that one of the girls was also named Jessica, and the boy who noticed me was named Jacob.” (p.61)
LS— Gosh, Bella. I wish I was as good at making friends and meeting people as you are.
SS— Wow, actually this Jacob character is a reference to future books, isn’t it? Aww, the angst.
“And I was thinking about how disjointedly time seemed to flow in Forks, passing in a blur at times, with single images standing out more clearly than others. And then, at other times, every second was significant, etched in my mind. I knew exactly what caused the difference, and it disturbed me.” (p.61)
LS— It disturbs me, too.
SS— I’ve heard that dilated senses of time and memory loss are associated with LSD use.
“Altogether, a very pretty face.” (p.62)
LS— “Oh, good. It looks like we can be friends.”
“We were all too shy to make much progress as friends.” (p.62)
LS— Pssh. It’s not like you make much progress with anyone, besides Mr. Angel Face Cullen, regardless if they are shy or not.
SS— “So… what do you like doing?” “Edward Cullen.” Awkward silence from all
““How nice.” She didn’t sound like she thought it was nice at all, and her pale, fishy eyes narrowed.” (p.63)
LS— Wow, SM. We know what sarcasm is. Way to make an already bad Mary Sue scene even worse.
SS— Those stinky fish people! So unlike Edward’s eye of burning melting golden honey.
““The Cullens don’t come here,” he said in a tone that closed the subject, ignoring her question… I stared at the deep-voiced boy, taken aback, but he was looking away toward the dark forest behind us. He’d said that the Cullens didn’t come here, but his tone had implied something more — that they weren’t allowed; they were prohibited. His manner left a strange impression on me, and I tried to ignore it without success.” (p.63)
LS— Yes, SM, we understood it. It was almost intriguing until you ruined it.
SS— Must everything be explained in bitesized chunks? I’m out of my highchair now. I can chew my own food without smearing it over my face and throwing up. I was even potty trained.
“I sounded idiotic to myself.” (p.64)
LS— Oh, don’t worry. You sound that way to me, too.
SS— At least you realize it—unlike Youtube commenters.
“I was tremendously grateful to Jacob, and eager to make him as happy as possible. I winked at him” (p.66)
LS— Uh, oh. My innuendo senses are tingling.
“I felt guilty as I said this, knowing that I’d used him.” (p.66)
LS— Oh, like you really care.
SS— Just like the time you were sorry you set up everyone on a date for homecoming so you wouldn’t have to go out with any of them?
“He was someone I could easily be friends with.” (p.66)
LS— Haha. I called it.
SS— Friends and oh so much more.
“Mike had reached us now, with Jessica still a few paces back. I could see his eyes appraising Jacob, and looking satisfied at his obvious youth.” (p.66) ““Okay.” I jumped up. “I’m coming.” (p.67)
LS— Jesus, it is just to easy to find innuendo in this chapter… And she really needs to stop saying she is coming…
SS—What Mike doesn’t know is that she into younger guys. And in Edward’s case, far older guys.
Kitty on 6 October 2008, 23:45 said:
This book makes me want to spit. D:
But excellent sporking. Arharharharhar.
Virgil on 7 October 2008, 00:15 said:
Eh, the whole ‘romance’ part sucked, but I liked the vampire aspect of it. They actually looked kinda cool, and Bella is this annoying speed bump.
SlyShy on 7 October 2008, 00:32 said:
They sparkle…
Virgil on 7 October 2008, 07:30 said:
Oh yeah.. damn I forgot about that.
Zahano on 7 October 2008, 19:25 said:
Excellent job, gentlemen. Please recall for all EWW articles and anything else involving quotes that quoted dialogue is given a single quote. Like so:
“Edward’s trousers were off. ‘Come to me, my princess.’ he said. Even his pubic hair was shiny.”
Lord Snow on 7 October 2008, 23:05 said:
Haha, yeah I started doing that for the Eragon EWW. Then we got kind of lazy… We will try to do better. Thanks for pointing that out.
Snow White Queen on 8 October 2008, 00:09 said:
i love this ‘everything wrong with…’ series. have i already said that?
anyway these bits are only from twilight, right?
try the other books…they get progressively more ridiculous.(well, actually, i haven’t read them in months, but the general plots are bad to say the least.)i haven’t read breaking dawn yet, and don’t plan to, but new moon and eclipse make twilight look like a gem of literary achievement.
SlyShy on 8 October 2008, 00:20 said:
We are trying slow and steady to get through every book in the series in order. Same goes for Inheritance… will take a lot of patience.
Tsubasa on 18 October 2008, 00:49 said:
Loved this one… the innuendos and “I play my blue eyes white face down in pout mode!!!” made me lol so hard.
Tolly on 18 October 2008, 10:23 said:
Hah… reading this has made me adjust my mental tally for required bribes to actually finish this travesty of a novel up another three or four million dollars. Gah, I’d rather read late-90s BBC Doctor Who novels. Hell, I’d rather read Eragon. At least that’s so bad it’s perfect for doing the old Mystery Science Theatre with my friends. This is too PAINFUL to mock.
Popeye on 21 October 2008, 07:21 said:
No self respecting heterosexual male who doesn’t go to Starbucks or wear Birkenstocks should ever read one of these books, it’s enough to make one die just from the loss of brain cells. Kids, do drugs, not Twilight.
Artimaeus on 28 October 2008, 01:32 said:
Lol. I play my blue eyes white face down in pout mode. Yugioh kills me. And I think I saw at least one other reference to the Abridged Series in there.
At some point, I’m gonna have to get through this book. Right after I get through Brisingr… yea, it’s probably not going to happen any time soon…
Essie on 2 November 2008, 01:26 said:
I agree that if the book was in third person at least smeyer could pretend that she actually attempted with the subtlety.
Rand on 17 November 2008, 20:47 said:
Did anyone read the last book? I’m pretty sure you all did but no one has mentioned it.
Ari on 17 February 2009, 09:20 said:
I have…it was….words cannot describe it. I enjoyed it to an extent, but parts of it made me laugh like heck….
Steph on 16 May 2009, 02:45 said:
I, being a mild liker of Twilight (when I can delude myself into pretending that II and TwilightSucks.com do not exist, and that I do not have a brain), have read the last one. In answer to Rand’s question, I thought (I’m back to reality in which I have my brain again) it was okay.
Then again, I never was a Twi-tard, or devoted to the ‘Rules’ of the Universe. So I completely missed how many times Smeyer apparently deviated from them.
SlyShy on 16 May 2009, 03:31 said:
I like pretending TwilightSucks.com doesn’t exist too, because I think their amateurism detracts a lot from their own cause.
As someone said (who it is, is slipping my mind) there is no better way to discredit a cause than to defend it poorly.
Steph on 16 May 2009, 05:39 said:
There is one forum that’s really well done, though, about the messages Twilight portrays and so on. Quite well-thought-out.
http://www.twilightsucks.com/rantiques.html
Although my memory ain’t great, so it may not be as good as I thought. I haven’t been there in ages. (Too busy reading Twilight, haha. /bad joke. ) But anyway, that’s what I was referring to.
Terice on 5 August 2009, 00:21 said:
““I think your friends are angry with me for stealing you.”“ (p.45)
LS— Well, lucky for you Mr. Cullen, Bella doesn’t actually have friends, just yappy little lap dogs that she uses to feel good about herself.
SS— Kind of like Paris Hilton’s chihuahua. You know, they are just not so stylish accessories.
Dude, if Paris Hilton has a chihuahua and you’re comparing them to Bella’s “friends” then Bella must be stupid.
“Wal-Mart. Do they like, make walls?” -Paris Hilton
This shows that anything compared to Paris Hilton is stupid.
sarah on 2 May 2010, 19:17 said:
This is exactly what I was thinking when I tried to read this book. Thank you for listing everything that is wrong with this stupid book.
Kori on 30 April 2011, 00:27 said:
I couldn’t even make it past the first paragraph of the first book. You guys are doing a favor to society by going through the torture of reading them all just for the sake of our amusement. Really funny stuff, guys. Keep it up, lol.