The next part of Everything Wrong With Twilight. Man, this one was…annoying.
3. Phenomenon
I knew it wasn’t the stimulating learning environment I was anticipating, or seeing my new set of friends. If I was being honest with myself, I knew I was eager to get to school because I would see Edward Cullen. And that was very, very stupid. (p.28)
LS— Also, very, very shallow.
SS— I wasn’t going to say anything if you weren’t, Bella.
perfect face (p.28)
LS— Cream Count: 17
I wasn’t sure if I didn’t prefer being ignored. (p.28)
LS— Ew, a double negative. How annoying.
My throat suddenly felt tight. I wasn’t used to being taken care of. (p.28)
LS— …why haven’t you been choked up about getting taken care of by EVERYBODY IN THIS ENTIRE BOOK?!
SS— You better get used to it, kiddo, because Edward is about to fulfill your every whim.
I almost died of humiliation when they put on the neck brace. (p.30)
LS— Oh my, I almost was hit by a car and killed, how embarrassing.
SS— Eww, being a cripple is, like, so gross. I hate those people, like, eww.
Since no one bothered pulling the curtain around to give me some privacy, I decided I wasn’t obligated to wear the stupid-looking neck brace anymore. (p.31)
LS— Screw safety precautions, I need to look hot.
SS— I’m almost postive those things are made so the patient can’t just remove them. For good reason too, apparently.
flashing his brilliant teeth (p.32)
LS— Cream Count: 18
“Take some Tylenol for the pain,” he suggested as he steadied me. “It doesn’t hurt that bad,” I insisted. (p.33)
LS— How bad does it need to hurt for a Tylenol?
SS— It has to hurt like she wants Edward.
My temper flared now, and I glared defiantly at him. “There’s nothing wrong with my head.” (p.33)
LS— Except the fact that you’re obsessive, stalker-like, oddly anti-social, a compulsive liar, and pretty much just generally insane.
SS— Yup, she hates it when people show concern. Gee whiz.
I don’t like to lie (p.33)
LS— The past thirty three pages say otherwise.
SS— Unless I have to, or it will make my life easier, or I don’t like the person and want to hurt his feelings, or if I like a person and don’t want to hurt his feelings, or unless I feel like it, or I’m in a bad mood, or sometimes a good mood, or always.
“glorious face” “stunning face” (p.34)
LS— Cream Count: 20
Mike and Jessica and Eric were all there, beginning to converge on us. “Let’s go,” I urged. (p.34)
LS— Oh no! My friends are here. Quick, run!
SS— I hate those guys.
“Um… you’ll need to call Renée.” He hung his head, guilty. I was appalled. “You told Mom!” “Sorry.” (p.35)
LS— You told my mother I was in life threatening danger!? I hate you!
SS— Why would you act like such a responsible adult? You loser!
She begged me to come home — forgetting the fact that home was empty at the moment — but her pleas were easier to resist than I would have thought. And more than a little obsessed by Edward himself. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I wasn’t as eager to escape Forks as I should be, as any normal, sane person would be. I decided I might as well go to bed early that night. Charlie continued to watch me anxiously, and it was getting on my nerves. I stopped on my way to grab three Tylenol from the bathroom. They did help, and, as the pain eased, I drifted to sleep. That was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen. (p.35)
LS— Haha, she just proved all five of my previous points about her being obsessive, stalker-like, anti-social, a compulsive liar, and crazy in just three paragraphs.
SS— I’m surprised it took that short a time. Last crazy character I read was Rodion in Crime & Punishment, and he seemed fine until all the way to end and even after…or maybe it’s just because he is such a better character.
4. Invitations
“Sorry, no,” I said. “So you shouldn’t make Jess wait any longer — it’s rude.” (p.37)
LS— You know what else is rude? Lying about having plans so you don’t have to be with friends.
SS— “I hope you give her an STD after prom.”
It was pathetic. More than pathetic, it was unhealthy. (p.38)
LS— Aw, come on Bella. I already asked you to stop referring yourself as “It”. We get that you have an issue with self confidence but now your starting to creep me out.
I tried very hard not to be aware of him for the rest of the hour, and, since that was impossible, at least not to let him know that I was aware of him. (p.38)
LS— What? “I don’t know you’re there.” “Uh… Yeah. You do.” “Fine. Well, you don’t know that I know you’re there.” “What the he-… Okay. Whatever, Bella.”
SS— It’s kind of like Edward has an invisibilty cloak, except that this isn’t HP, except that Bella is Draco Melfoy.
I didn’t want to feel what I knew I would feel when I looked at his too-perfect face. (p.38)
LS— Cream (literal this time? Uh-oh.) Count: 21
SS— Most people enjoy sexual pleasure, but whatever, maybe Bella isn’t a human.
“It’s better if we’re not friends,” he explained. “Trust me.” My eyes narrowed. I’d heard that before. (p.38)
LS— You’ve also had an abundance of people at this new school want to be friends with you and you ignore them.
“Regret?” The word, and my tone, obviously caught him off guard. “Regret for what?” “For not just letting that stupid van squish me.” He was astonished. He stared at me in disbelief. When he finally spoke, he almost sounded mad. “You think I regret saving your life?” “I know you do,” I snapped.
LS— Yeah, who would pass up a chance to kill me? (Actually, seeing where this book is headed, and how annoying she is, I wouldn’t have minded.)
“but of course I caught the toe of my boot on the door jamb and dropped my books” “but I fell down a lot” (p.39)
LS— OH MY GOD! YOU’RE CLUMSY, WE GET IT! NOW ENOUGH! I didn’t comment on it before, but this is getting ridiculous.
SS— Most people this clumsy have a legitimate disability.
“Will you ask me to the spring dance?” he continued. “I’m not going to be in town, Tyler.” My voice sounded a little sharp. I had to remember it wasn’t his fault that Mike and Eric had already used up my quota of patience for the day. (p.40)
LS— I’m sorry, but she just crushed three different peoples egos and self-confidence and she is complaining about her patience being used up?
SS— Honestly, she was so crafty that they don’t even know their patience should be used up.
My foot itched toward the gas pedal…one little bump wouldn’t hurt any of them, just that glossy silver paint job. I revved the engine. (p.40)
LS— “You saved my life, I hate you!” Seriously, maybe she should seek out some professional help.
SS— Talk about bad road rage.
I drove home slowly, carefully, muttering to myself the whole way. (p.40)
LS— Just proving my point, now.
SS— Muttering: “Darn kids these days and their internets, and their lollipops, and their escalators, and their hula-hoops, and their vampires, and their tax forms, and their microphones, and their hotdogs, and their stupid Volvos.”
Interesting…and brilliant…and mysterious…and perfect…and beautiful (p.41)
LS— Cream Count: 25
SS— My friends call me these things…sarcastically.
I couldn’t blame him—the closest edible Mexican food was probably in southern California. (p.41)
LS— Yay, let’s judge all of the Mexican restaurants on the entire west coast in one quick sentence.
SS— Well, I kind of thought that was funny. :P
That truck probably doesn’t get very good gas mileage. (p.41)
LS— Captain Obvious concludes, after much thinking, that this truck from the late fifties or early sixties possibly does not get very good gas mileage.
SS— Plus, it was a truck. You know, the things that don’t get good fuel millage?
Grrr. Only in a town this small would a father know when the high school dances were. (p.42)
LS— Yeah, really. How could a parent in the city actually care about events in their child’s life?
SS— Well, unless you happened to tell your parents when they were, like a normal loving child would. In which case everyone would know.
LS— Okay, since I’m beginning to get annoyed by SM stuffing the fact that Bella is clumsy down our throats, I’m going to be counting every reference to it. Here we go:
I stumbled my way off the plane.” (p.5) 1
I didn’t have the necessary hand-eye coordination to play sports without humiliating myself — and harming both myself and anyone else who stood too close. (p.7) 2
I stammered, blushed, and tripped over my own boots on the way to my seat. (p.10) 3
I stumbled over a book in the walkway and had to catch myself on the edge of a table. (p.13) 4
Remembering how many injuries I had sustained—and inflicted—playing volleyball, I felt faintly nauseated. (p.15) 5
It was miserable because I had to play volleyball, and the one time I didn’t cringe out of the way of the ball, I hit my teammate in the head with it. (p.16) 6
when it was my turn to serve; my team ducked warily out of the way every time I was up. (p.27) 7
I had enough trouble not falling down when the ground was dry; it might be safer for me to go back to bed now. (p.28) 8
It took every ounce of my concentration to make it down the icy brick driveway alive. I almost lost my balance when I finally got to the truck, but I managed to cling to the side mirror and save myself. (p.28) 9
Possibly my crippling clumsiness was seen as endearing rather than pathetic, casting me as a damsel in distress. (p.29) 10
No need to tell him my balance problems had nothing to do with hitting my head. (p.32) 11
but of course I caught the toe of my boot on the door jamb and dropped my books. (p.39) 12
I fell down a lot. Sometimes I took people with me. Today I was worse than usual because my head was so filled with Edward. I tried to concentrate on my feet, but he kept creeping back into my thoughts just when I really needed my balance. (p.39) 13
I didn’t get my balance problems from my mother. (p.42) 14
I fumbled with my key and it fell into a puddle at my feet. (p.42) 15
LS— Well, at least Bella is lucky that she isn’t a male and in prison.
SS— Wobbly Waffles Batman! That’s a lot of clumsy.
“His voice was quiet as usual—velvet, muted.” “I scowled at his perfect face.” (p.42)
LS— Cream Count: 27
“So you are trying to irritate me to death? Since Tyler’s van didn’t do the job?”
Anger flashed in his tawny eyes. His lips pressed into a hard line, all signs of humor gone.
“Bella, you are utterly absurd,” he said, his low voice cold.
My palms tingled — I wanted so badly to hit something. I was surprised at myself. I was usually a
nonviolent person. I turned my back and started to walk away. (p.42)
LS— Wow. She is actually mad that he didn’t try to kill her.
SS— Actions speak louder than words, Bella.
“Do you have a multiple personality disorder?” I asked severely.
LS— Sorry to say, Bella, but you’re the crazy one in this relationship.
SS— Actually, it is quite reasonable for there to be two crazy people in a relationship.
“Myself, obviously.” He enunciated every syllable, as if he were talking to someone mentally handicapped. (p.43)
LS— Hahaha. That is because he is talking to somebody who is mentally handicapped.
SS— Enunciating every syllable is good speaking technique, mental handicap or no.
“Oh, thanks, now that’s all cleared up.” Heavy sarcasm. (p.43)
LS— Thanks, SM. We really couldn’t figure that one out on our own.
SS— Especially considering Bella has basically been sarcastic this entire book.
His eyes were gloriously intense as he uttered that last sentence, his voice smoldering. I couldn’t remember how to breathe. (p.44)
LS— Cream Count 29
SS— Breathing: move your lungs in and out.
Kitty on 21 September 2008, 16:23 said:
Ye GADS, Bella is obnoxious.
Briar on 23 September 2008, 20:27 said:
Best ever.
We might also count the number of times Edward enunciates his words with his perfect voice that Bella apparently doesn’t understand. Or the number of times Charlie is socially akward. Not a whole lot of new senteces/ideas from this series.
Corsair on 23 September 2008, 22:17 said:
Snow, are you sure you want to keep doing this? Reading Twilight when you’re not dosed up on Maddog 20/20 and Hot Pockets can lead to overpowering homicidal tendencies.
Meagan on 5 October 2008, 17:03 said:
This is great. I hope you continiue.
Lord Snow on 5 October 2008, 17:06 said:
XD Thanks everyone. Don’t worry, we will power through it.
Kamikaze on 6 October 2008, 11:43 said:
ha ha ha ha
You’re talking to a twilight fan who is right now on the ground laughing!!
You pointed out all the exact things that frustrated me about this book but the real reason that thousands of teenage girls buy all this crap is because of the perfect fantasy guy who falls for that normal girl.. sigh
But continue..cant wait for it though the cream count might not be able to handle anymore
Snow White Queen on 7 October 2008, 22:40 said:
great article! i love your ‘everything wrong with…’ series.
bella should be declared clinically insane…although that would mean shoving smeyer in the cuckoo house as well (by extension) since bella is nothing more than a self insert of the author, with all flaws magically erased. (maybe they were sucked out by edward, the vampire dream guy she wrote about as wish fulfillment? hmmmm…)anyways, i think i’m getting cavities from all that cream…
RandomVisitor on 9 October 2008, 16:29 said:
What an odd character… what normal girl WOULDN’T be completely flattered by three fairly good-looking, decent guys asking them to a girls-choice dance? Even if you don’t want to go to the dance, that was pretty cold the way she shut them down one after another…
“Um, no, sorry… you don’t look like a photoshoped sex god, so I’m afraid not…”
Snow White Queen on 17 October 2008, 21:50 said:
well, bella’s a blatant mary sue. of COURSE all the guys have to go ga-ga after her, even though it’s totally obvious to the rest of us that she’s not even worth it.
anyways, although this series is lampooning bella a lot, i see edward as equally ridiculous…although yes, it’s because of bella’s nauseating viewpoint.
Rhaego on 17 October 2008, 22:24 said:
Midnight Sun was not better. I thought “Oh, she is writing one from the vampire’s p.o.v. can’t be worse right? Right?!”
There is no language in which I can express how wrong I was.
Edward decides that being an immoral killing machine is for squares. I hate violence, but if I ever become a sparkly Twilight vamp, the first thing I’m doing is wasting all of Seattle.
Especially because I would be a Twilight vamp instead of an Interview With a Vampire vamp.
Dominique on 18 June 2009, 17:42 said:
I’ve always wondered exactly how many times she references her oh-so-adorable clumsiness. Thank you for keeping track. The cream count is hilarious as well.
Raymond on 3 November 2009, 11:42 said:
I can just see Robin popping out when Bella is thinking about Edward.
Craving Caravans, Batman! CREEEAAAMMM!!!!
sophie on 22 December 2013, 16:38 said:
How much better would this book be if every narration was sarcastic?
Farah on 21 January 2014, 00:18 said:
This was brilliant! “Heavy Sarcasm.” I actually cried from laughter.