Hello everybody. The next instalment of the EWW is ready! Now that this is summer, I’m hoping I can get these out a bit faster. Anyways, hope you like it!

17. THE GAME

“The child has no idea.”
I bridled a little at the word child. “Jacob is not that much younger than I am,” I reminded him. (p180)

LS— And this is where SMeyer should have realized that the relationship between Edward and Bella was not age appropriate.

SS— “You are a pedophile,” I reminded him.

He looked at me then, his anger abruptly fading. “Oh, I know,” he assured me with a grin. (p.181)

LS— And this is when Chris Hansen needs to step in: “Hello Edward, why don’t you have a seat over there…”

R— Because you can’t spell pedophilia without -er…an “e”. Which is totally what Edward’s name starts with.

SS— I was hoping Edward would tell her her age in seconds. That’s fun and pretentious.

My heart lurched frantically (p.181)

LS— Screw it. Heart Attack Count: 18

K— Did it lurch off a cliff? Please? Yes?

SS— One of these days her heart is going to swerve out of the way of a deer.

R— Oh great, SMeyer already ruined vampires for me, now she’s going after my favorite character from the Addam’s Family…

He was waiting, perfectly still (p.181)

LS— Statue Count: 23

“Jake,” he said, still appraising me. (p.182)

LS— This sounds wrong.

R— Yeah I’d pay about eight hundred for that. Granted, that’s in vampire bucks, and I’m not so good as far as the conversions go.

“Take care,” Billy warned me. I didn’t answer. (p.183)

LS— Well, that’s just a bit rude, isn’t it?

SS— Bella doesn’t like his kind…

“Oh, hey, Jess.” I scrambled for a moment to come back down to reality. It felt like months rather than days since I’d spoken to Jess. “How was the dance?”

K— “A teenage wasteland.”

R— Don’t cry, don’t raise your eye.

“It was so much fun!” Jessica gushed.

R— Too Much Information.

Needing no more invitation than that, she launched into a minute-by-minute account of the previous night. I mmm’d and ahh’d at the right places, but it wasn’t easy to concentrate.

R— Too much Information.

Jessica, Mike, the dance, the school—they all seemed strangely irrelevant at the moment. (p.184)

LS— So far this entire chapter has just been one big reminder of how big of a bitch Bella is.

K— Way to be an awesome friend. You deserve a trophy for how awesome a friend you are.

SS— It’s the biggest trophy in the school, since at Forks they aren’t good at stuff like athletics or academics.

“Edward is the youngest, the one with the reddish brown hair.” The beautiful one, the godlike one… (p.185)

LS— Cream Count: 119

K— …Hang on, I just overturned my desk in rage.

R— I think Jesus would have the same reaction to this.

SS— I like how they have the little translation from Human talk to Twitard talk. Apparently in their linguistically isolated environment “reddish brown” means “godlike one”. This explains their eradication by the Spanish in 1547.

Edward stood in the halo of the porch light, looking like a male model in an advertisement for raincoats. (p.186)

LS— Cream Count: 120

K— Back. Oh, goddammit.

SS— Right…because he literally is a male model.

R— Ooh yeah, raincoats. Mmmmhm. When I think “sex” the next logical leap my mind makes is to raincoats. They’re so…rubbery. And wet.

“Thanks, Chief Swan,” Edward said in a respectful voice.
“Go ahead and call me Charlie. Here, I’ll take your jacket.”
“Thanks, sir.” (p.186)

LS— Way to follow directions, you disrespectful little punk.

R— Chief Swan sounds like the name of a homosexual Native American. “Ooh! I’m so graceful!”

SS— Except the swan can turn into a wolf. How’s that?

“Have a seat there, Edward.”
I grimaced. (p.186)

LS— Woah… Deja vu.

R— Oh fuck no. No she didn’t. First vampires, then Lurch, and now GRIMACE? Who’s next, the Hamburglar? YOU DON’T FUCK WITH THE HAMBURGLAR.

K— Maybe she’ll put Rainbow Brite in there too.

R— Because there aren’t enough homoerotic undertones…

I stopped dead on the porch.

R— I wish…

There, behind my truck, was a monster Jeep. Its tires were higher than my waist.

K— That’s…not that big actually, nice try though.

SS— I don’t know. Her waist is like what, 5’11”?

There were metal guards over the headlights and tail-lights, and four large spotlights attached to the crash bar. The hardtop was shiny red. (p.187)

LS— I sense over-compensation.

R— Or a hatred for kangaroos.

SS— Vampires: they destroy the environment, because it’s not like they live forever or anything. Wait.

“Aren’t you going to put on your seat belt?”
He threw me a disbelieving look. (p.187)

LS— God, Bella, how many times do I have to tell you seat belts are for nerds?

SS— What a caring boyfriend.

just his smell disturbed my thought processes (p.188)

LS— Cream Count: 121

R— “Oh, sorry. It’s the Taco Bell.”

K— I thought you were above fart jokes.

R— Twilight brings out the stupid and immature in me.

…PENIS.

I was suddenly welded to his stone figure. (p.188)

LS— Statue Count: 24

K— You can’t weld stone unless you happen to have like, magma. And thousands of years.

SS— She could be made of metal. Actually, if she were a robot it would explain both her lack of motor function and human emotion processing. And why Edward can’t read her mind.

K— True, but you still can’t weld metal to stone. …I’ll shut up now.

SS— Okay. I was going to argue he could be an unprocessed ore. :P

K— No, that would mean he would be imperfect!

R— Pwnt. And thirty seconds of my life I’ll never get back spent reading a debate as to whether one could literally be welded to Edward Cullen. Thanks guys.

K— Cake?

R— /eats cake

I stiffly unlocked my stranglehold on his body and slipped to the ground, landing on my backside.
“Oh!” I huffed as I hit the wet ground. (p.190)

LS— Wow, it’s been a while since we have had one of these. Balance Fail: 31

R— Stiff, strangle, body, slip, backside, huffed, wet. Nope. Not saying a word.

I held properly still. Then I sighed.
“You promised Chief Swan that you would have me home early, remember? We’d better get going.”
“Yes, ma’am.” (p.191)

LS— Why are you referring to your father as “Cheif Swan”?

R— And why is he calling her “ma’am”? That’s like, some seriously creepy Oedipus Complex going on.

SS— I hope the twist ending is that Bella is Edward’s mother’s descendant.

The grace and power took my breath away. (p.192)

LS— Cream Count: 122

R— Again with the autoerotic asphyxiation. Maybe Bella can be the next villain in a Quentin Tarantino film.

The crack of impact was shattering, thunderous; it echoed off the mountains—I immediately understood the necessity of the thunderstorm. The ball shot like a meteor above the field, flying deep into the surrounding forest. (p.193)

LS— No. The ball would have been destroyed. If real baseball players can break a ball on rare occasions, there is no way a ball would survive that.

K— Remember when Randy Johnson totally destroyed that bird? That was awesome…

R— His balls are so hot.

SS— Shot like a meteor. Get this guys, Edward hit the ball so hard it came from space and fell through the atmosphere where it burned up. It came from space.

R— Maybe since his testicles are from space, THEY’RE metal, and that’s how Bella got welded to him.

SS— Just…just no.

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Comment

  1. happycrab91 on 28 June 2009, 18:12 said:

    lol. Probably the funniest edition yet. Maybe. I wish these would come out quicker but I know you guys have more important things to do.

  2. Anisha on 28 June 2009, 18:17 said:

    I love how Smeyer dumbs down everything. It really does say something about her attitude towards the readers.

    Though, to be honest, I would probably dumb it down myself if I found out the kind of readers I would have.

  3. Luin Kaimelar on 28 June 2009, 18:42 said:

    Edward testicles are from space. LOL. Genius!

    /immature

  4. Snow White Queen on 28 June 2009, 19:41 said:

    Yesss, they’re back!

  5. Proserpina FC on 28 June 2009, 22:06 said:

    lol…. Pedobear is pleased with his disciple, Edward Cullen.

  6. LucyWannabe on 28 June 2009, 22:17 said:

    I know what this calls for!

  7. STEPH-IZ-BELLA on 29 June 2009, 01:42 said:

    Lol the whole stone-welded-metal thing just cracked me up! I agree- most hilarious EWW so far!

    Will not comment on pedobear

  8. SMARTALIENQT on 29 June 2009, 02:00 said:

    And another installment from the Dream Team. Woot! Thank you for making my night!

    They’re so… rubbery. And wet.

    TMI, TMI!! Now I need brain bleach… argh, the images, the images…

    And pedo-bear just made it worse!

  9. Romantic Vampire Lover on 29 June 2009, 05:50 said:

    Thanks for that; made my birthday that much better. :D Possibly the funniest yet… Possibly… ;P

  10. LucyWannabe on 29 June 2009, 11:10 said:

    I apologize if I broke anyone’s brain. Was not my intent, I promise. ;)

    And I forgot to comment on what I thought of this EWW! And my thought is—love it. :D

  11. Snow White Queen on 29 June 2009, 16:38 said:

    STEPH-IZ-BELLA made me LOL, to be off-topic. xD

  12. OverlordDan on 30 June 2009, 08:11 said:

    Thank you so much! :D

  13. NeuroticPlatypus on 1 July 2009, 21:14 said:

    “Chief Swan sounds like the name of a homosexual Native American.”
    That’s may favorite part.

  14. Danielle on 2 July 2009, 10:50 said:

    Wow. Eighteen heart attacks in 193 pages? That’s impressive, Bella. claps

    Maybe you should start doing a whine count. Only problem is that it’d probably take you the better part of two weeks to count EVERY SINGLE ONE….

  15. Reggie on 2 July 2009, 22:36 said:

    We would have a whine count, but we’re letting it age a bit first.

  16. lalalalalalala on 3 July 2009, 17:45 said:

    This is the most awesome invention evarrr.
    Post more soon plzzzz. (:

  17. swenson on 6 July 2009, 20:56 said:

    BRAAAAAAAAINZ BLEAAAAAAACH

    The welding bit is excellent, as well. It shows that charming and carefree total lack of knowledge about the world that only Smeyer can pull off so well.

    No, no, I’ll be nice. I know what she means, she means Edward is really hard (BRAAAAAAAINZ BLEAAAAAACH) and Bella was like plastered on him (BRAAAAAAAINZ BLEAAAAAACH), but still. If you’re going to describe someone as stone, don’t use welding in the same sentence. Dur dur dur.

    checks bottle of brain bleach Awww, it’s almost all gone. I’ll have to stock up before the next installment.

  18. MissMeg on 30 July 2009, 23:57 said:

    “Chief Swan sounds like the name of a homosexual Native American. “Ooh! I’m so graceful!””

    dude, i actually fell out of my chair laughing so hard. for some reason i got the image in my head of billy burke in a NA robe w/ a headdress, doing some kind of ballerina number saying “Ooh! I’m so graceful!”

    wow guys, just priceless…..

  19. Terice on 4 August 2009, 23:54 said:

    ha ha…i didn’t have the right to laugh at this because Seth would have quite literally killed me but honest to God it was hilarious.