It’s been quite a while but things have finally begun to slow down, so we had a chance to finish this. I was very busy with school and my computer was dead, as some of you may know, but everything is better now. School is slowing down and I got a new laptop, so here is the new segment. Enjoy!

16. Carlisle

Edward opened the door to a high-ceilinged room with tall, west-facing windows. (p.173)

LS— Throughout the entire book we are constantly reminded about Bella’s terrible sense of direction, but when she enters this room she can instantly decipher which direction the windows are facing.
SS— As long as it has to do with Edward she can know it instantly.

Every time he touched me, in even the most casual way, my heart had an audible reaction. (p.174)

LSDIE ALREADY! You have set the world record for heart attacks, why won’t you ever die?
SS— If I were Edward I’d be getting pretty concerned about that weird popping noise that happens everytime he touches her.

Carlisle added, from a few feet behind us. I flinched; I hadn’t heard him approach. (p.174)

LS— Shouldn’t you be used to that by now? Edward has been doing that everyday for months.
SS— “Three plus four is SEVEN! Oh, hi Bella, didn’t mean to startle you.”

“No, there are very few ways we can be killed.” (p.174)

LS— Step right up, ladies and gentleman, and see the great invincible man: making the story boring because we now know that he is never in any danger.
SS— Yeah, rip them apart, set them on fire. It’s a good thing I bought the flamethrower/chainsaw combo. It’s really just a chainsaw doused in kerosene, but it works great for deforestation.

“He began to make better use of his time. He’d always been intelligent, eager to learn. Now he had unlimited time before him. He studied by night, planned by day. He swam to France and —”
“He swam to France?”
“People swim the Channel all the time, Bella,” he reminded me patiently.
“That’s true, I guess. It just sounded funny in that context. Go on.” (p.175)

LS— No, it didn’t. You’re just thick.
SS— Well, actually, it did sort of, but only because the author set that “joke” up in a lame way.

He chuckled darkly, and finished his sentence. “Because, technically, we don’t need to breathe.”
“You —”
“No, no, you promised.” He laughed, putting his cold finger lightly to my lips. “Do you want to hear the story or not?”
“You can’t spring something like that on me, and then expect me not to say anything,” I mumbled against his finger. (p.175)

LS— I’m pretty sure she already knew that. Plus, even if she didn’t, why would it have surprised her?
SS— You mumbled against his finger? Just wait till you are shouting against his mouth.

His features were immobile as stone. (p.175)

LS— Statue Count: 22
SS— Talk about stoic.

“I know that at some point, something I tell you or something you see is going to be too much. And the you’ll run away from me, screaming as you go.” He smiled half a smile, but his eyes were serious. “I won’t stop you. I want this to happen, because I want you to be safe. And yet, I want to be with you. The two desires are impossible to reconcile…” He trailed off, staring at my face. Waiting. (p.176)

LS— Enough of this “I’m so dangerous” crap. I’m sick of it. If you were actually a danger to her, you would just eat her face instead of warning her over and over and over again.
SS— Actually, I think he was referring to his: alcoholism, daddy issues, manic depression, reflexive anger, HIV infection, gambling addiction, foreclosed mortgages, ingrown toenail, divorces, illegitimate children, DUI convictions, obsession with collecting Japanese blowup dolls, and the blood fetish.

a gentle angel’s smile lit his expression (p.177)

LS— Cream Count: 117
SS— I forgot to take the smile, the last time I killed an angel. Damn.

And Edward, Edward as he hunted, terrible and glorious as a young god, unstoppable. (p.177)

LS— Bow to the almighty sparkling man. Cream Count: 118

His room faced south, with a wall-sized window like the great room below. (178)

LS— Here is that new great sense of direction she acquired five minutes ago.
SS— Maybe above each of the windows in the Cullen house they have a giant letter drawn, indicating which direction the window faces.

“It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share,” Alice announced. I stiffened for an instant (p.179)

SS— So did Edward. koff
LS— Quick, look! Somebody wrote “gullible” on the ceiling!

“We have to wait for thunder to play ball—you’ll see why,” he promised. (p.180)

LS— Oh, God. I was hoping this scene didn’t happen in the book. This is going to be disgusting.
SS— There is no justice.

Tagged as:


  1. Romantic Vampire Lover on 19 May 2009, 15:30 said:

    Ha-ha that was WONDERFUL!! Thanks for finally posting it. I must agree with the whole ‘I’m dangerous; stay away from me thing.’ As is seen in Breaking Dawn, he manages to have sex with her without any major damage. (or at least, no bites) This implies Ed has a lot of self-control, so how is he dangerous? o_O Thanks again!

  2. Apep on 19 May 2009, 16:13 said:

    Glad you finally have some free time to do stuff like this. And yeah, Eddie-boy needs to shut up with the whole “I’m a dangerous monster” schtick, ‘cuse nobody’s buying it.

  3. Spanman on 19 May 2009, 17:28 said:

    Yeah well, in Breaking Dawn he did some… other stuff. Like, for example, ripping apart feeather pillows and tearing chunks out of the beframe. If only it had been Bella.

    Anyway, terrific sporking as always. _

  4. Jeni on 19 May 2009, 19:15 said:

    “People swim the Channel all the time, Bella,” he reminded me patiently.

    MOTHER, just going to pop over to France for some butter!

  5. swenson on 19 May 2009, 21:19 said:

    Now, dear, run out to that little French bakery I like and fetch me two baguettes, all right?

    MOOO-OOOOM, I hate swimming the Channel! It’s so childish!

    You used to love swimming the Channel! I’d wave goodbye as you went over in your little pink bathing suit to get Mommy’s bread…

    That was AGES ago, MOM. It’s not cool to swim the Channel.

    It was last year!

    Yes, but now EVERYONE is doing it! It’s so… touristy these days.

    sigh Fine, then will you go get me some fresh fish from Iceland?

    SiiiiiiiiiGH FINE.

  6. Spanman on 19 May 2009, 22:42 said:

    What are you talking about? Edward made swimming the Channel fashionable again. Now everyone wants to do it.

  7. Steph the Phantasmagorical on 20 May 2009, 05:53 said:

    You forgot to mention that Edward always takes his Japanese blow-up doll when he swims the Channel. Just so he can be sure he won’t sink…

    Although, if we’re going to get pedantic, it was actually Carlisle who swam the Channel. But hey, like it matters!

    The thing I find most difficult to believe is that it took this long to make up the Cream Count.

    Speaking of counts, I know it’s getting a bit late into the story for anyone to go back, but I really think you should do a count of the number of times Bella’s heart skips a beat, stops, etc. You could call it something really doctory, like ‘Abnormal Cardiac Behaviour Count’ or something…

  8. swenson on 20 May 2009, 09:05 said:

    And besides, since when do hearts beat so hard they have an “audible reaction”?! Blood rushing in your ears is one thing, a beat so hard it can be heard across the room is something else entirely.

  9. Steph the Phantasmagorical on 20 May 2009, 09:26 said:

    Since when? Since Twilight.

    Actually, such a hard heartbeat would be a scary thing. Assuming your ribcage survived and you lived to tell the tale…

  10. Nate Winchester on 20 May 2009, 09:50 said:

    And now it’s time for:

    Things that would have made twilight better.

  11. OverlordDan on 20 May 2009, 10:58 said:

    Nate, I do believe you have won. Congrats.

    Great spork, good luck with the new labtop!

  12. Spanman on 20 May 2009, 11:08 said:

    That… is amazing.

  13. Apep on 20 May 2009, 12:49 said:

    That would possibly be the most amazing fanfic ever.

  14. MrHyde on 20 May 2009, 14:33 said:

    #10 is the best comment I have ever seen on this site. Also, brilliant image. I vote for someone here to get to work on making that fanfic.

  15. Artimaeus on 20 May 2009, 17:20 said:

    “Bella, vampires have one weakness that doesn’t make it into the stories. One natural enemy. One predator that is even more deadly than we are. It’s a secret that we have guarded since we ourselves discovered it.”

    “What is it Edward?” I said, wondering what could possibly be more powerful, cunning, or dangerous than the man which stood before me. “Werewoves?”

    “No, a hunter more dangerous than even…” He stopped talking and blinked once. His adams apple rose and he seemed to stiffen.

    Was it my scent again? “Um, Edward, You kinda trailed off there.”

    No, it wasn’t me. He was staring at something behind me. “Clever girl…” he muttered.

  16. LucyWannabe on 20 May 2009, 17:50 said:

    Oh my god, that manip…ahahahaha…

    Excellent start there on the prose, Artimaeus.

    But my sporky pals: yay! So glad to see this again. I can’t wait until you hit the actual Baseball Scene. Hehehehe

  17. Lord Snow on 20 May 2009, 20:47 said:

    Thanks everybody, it’s nice to see the good reactions. And Steph, I was actually thinking the very same thing, but it may be a little hard to go through everything. We’ll see.

  18. Steph the Phantasmagorical on 21 May 2009, 04:59 said:

    I just had an idea that would make it a LOT easier- you could get a pdf of twilight and search for ‘heart’ and/or ‘chest’…

    And Nate’s manip- it’s so funny that you should post it as a separate article!! Seriously. I laughed so hard…

  19. Nate Winchester on 21 May 2009, 08:36 said:

    I should clarify that I didn’t make the pic, just found it.

  20. Lord Snow on 21 May 2009, 09:16 said:

    Yeah, that is what I was thinking.I might do that for the next one.

  21. swenson on 21 May 2009, 09:34 said:

    Artimaeus’s comment is made of much win. :D Although I realized what an Internet geek I am when I thought it referenced Dr. McNinja instead of Jurassic Park.

  22. Artimaeus on 21 May 2009, 10:09 said:

    Well, to be fair, The Dr. McNinja strip was referencing Jurassic Park.

  23. Kevin on 21 May 2009, 12:17 said:

    I’ve often felt various scenes could use spontaneous ninja/raptor buttons. It’s dragging on and on, hit your button, and some ninjas or raptors suddenly leap in and start wrecking those chumps.

    Anyway, another great EWW guys.

  24. swenson on 21 May 2009, 19:08 said:

    @Kevin – that would be an amazing idea! I should get on it immediately… I mean, what wouldn’t be improved by adding ninjas and dinosaurs?!

  25. Falstar on 22 May 2009, 01:28 said:

    “… He studied by night, planned by day. He swam to France and —”

    … ate some hay? Sailed away? Decided to stay?

    Is that stuff seriously supposed to have a rhyming cadence? Who the hell would talk like that?

  26. Steph the Phantasmagorical on 22 May 2009, 06:27 said:

    Inspired by Falstar.

    “He studied by night,
    Planned by day.
    He swam to France,
    And left the next day.

    See, he tried to fit in,
    But the sun was too bright-
    The south of France
    Was far better by night.

    But nighttime was dreadful:
    He couldn’t adjust.
    Preferring the daytime
    Was why he packed up.

    He travelled the world
    In search of a place
    That would hide his vampireness
    With perpetual rain.”

    Forks, duh. Excuse my general looniness.

  27. Juniper on 22 May 2009, 09:09 said:

    omg, Nate’s picture needs to be somewhere more obvious, not lost in the comments here.

    Also, I’m so glad these articles are back. Yay!

  28. Snow White Queen on 22 May 2009, 21:49 said:


    Yes, Twilight does need a raptor rampage.

  29. trexmaster on 23 May 2009, 01:28 said:

    Nate speaks truth. Everything is better with raptors (or T. Rexes).

  30. Falstar on 23 May 2009, 04:28 said:

    Nice poem there. :)

  31. Steph the Phantasmagorical on 24 May 2009, 02:27 said:

    Why, thank you.

  32. T on 30 May 2009, 00:45 said:

    uh… wow. That was… excruciatingly, phenomenally, magnificently, amazingly, oddly, freakishly, legitimately, umm…. like, uh… good. Exellent. Marvelous. Amazing. I showed this to my friend Jacob (Yeah, thats his name, so what?) and he was like, “Uh… um, none of this is… um…” See, he LOVES twilight. sighs but he’s still my best friend (Yeah, he’s my best friend, so what?) and you know, people are terrified of him, because he’s so huge, (Yeah, he’s freakishly big and strong, so what???) so now lots of people at my school like twilight because of him. Or they pretend to. I know there is a huge resemblance between my Jacob and Jacob Black. Sorry for babbling on like this, I do it a lot, it annoys most people. So sorry again for talking. I’ll just shut up now. Bye. Good… um, whatever you call it.

  33. Steph the Phantasmagorical on 30 May 2009, 03:30 said:

    Lol. I have a friend named Jacob who loves Twilight, too. But he’s nothing like Jacob Black.

  34. T on 3 June 2009, 23:02 said:

    Yeah… my Jacob LOVES twilight….

  35. CosmicLatte on 29 December 2009, 21:48 said:

    “His features were immobile as stone.”

    Wait.. aren’t stones movable? You can kick them around, right? I guess what this means is that if you slap his face enough, Edward’s head will roll away.

    Dude. I’ve got to try that.

  36. Anidori on 20 January 2010, 19:06 said:

    “Bow to the almighty sparkling man” That was hilarious!