Okay, similar to my last project Everything Wrong With Eragon I am going through the book Twilight by Stephenie Meyer and ripping it apart quote by quote, looking for flaws. Only this time I have help, from this site’s creator, SlyShy.

Preface

“I’d never given much thought to how I would die”(Meyer p. 3)

SS—Glad to hear you are like most people, not excessively morbid. Well, this isn’t true, as we will later find out.

LS— Uh-oh, she sounds depressed. Bella, don’t kill yourself, this is only the first sentence!

“The hunter smiled in a friendly way as he sauntered forward to kill me.” (p.4)

SS— How do you know he is going to kill you if he is so friendly? Guess I’ll have to read THE WHOLE BOOK to find out.

1. First Sight

“It rains on this inconsequential town more than any other place in the United States of America.”(p.4)

SS— I like exaggeration as much as the next guy! No, WAY MORE!

LS— Exaggeration? She’s obviously being serious. She has been to every single place in the United States.

“It was from this town and its gloomy, omnipresent shade that my mother escaped with me when I was only a few months old” (p.4)

SS—What isn’t stated is why they are in jail.

“My mom looks like me, except with short hair and laugh lines.”(p.4)

SS— “He looked human except for his crimson hair and maroon eyes” heheh.

“I lied. I’d always been a bad liar, but I’d been saying this lie so frequently lately that it sounded almost convincing now.”(p.4)

SS—Funny thing about lying, this always works, sadly.

“I found a good car for you, really cheap,” he announced when we were strapped in.
“What kind of car?” I was suspicious of the way he said “good car for you” as opposed to just “good
car.” (p.5)

LS— Like she isn’t at all concerned about him saying “really cheap.”
SS—“What are you implying!?” “That the car looks really cheap, sort of like you.”

“Do you remember Billy Black down at La Push?” La Push is the tiny Indian reservation on the coast.
“No.” (p.5)

LS— Yeah, that’s how you could just narrate what it was to us…

“I do a good job of blocking painful, unnecessary things from my memory.”(p.5)

LS— And that’s how you just told us exactly what clothes you brought with you. And that your “My carry-on item was a parka.“I thought she just said she was good at lying.

““He’s in a wheelchair now,” Charlie continued when I didn’t respond, “so he can’t drive anymore, and he
offered to sell me his truck cheap.”
“What year is it?” I could see from his change of expression that this was the question he was hoping I wouldn’t ask.” (p.5-6)

SS—Guess what you forgot to do? Act at all sympathetic or remorseful. I guess you hate Native Americans.

“Dad, I don’t really know anything about cars.” (p.6)

LS— Didn’t you just have an entire conversation about cars? Including the year the car was made? Why would you care if you didn’t know better?

“Really, Bella, the thing runs great. They don’t build them like that anymore.” (p.6)

LS— Yeah, they probably run better now. Seeing how that is how technology works. They make things better and then you buy them, it is the American way.
SS—You mean, the Japanese way. :P
LS— Shhh! It’s our job to steal the credit.

“That’s really nice, Dad. Thanks. I really appreciate it.” (p.6)

LS— He just bought her a friggin’ car. This is not a normal human reaction.

“And I never looked a free truck in the mouth — or engine.” (p.6)

LS— Oh, jeeze. Do I really need to say anything?

““I’m glad you like it,” Charlie said gruffly, embarrassed again.” (p.7)

LS— Why does he keep getting embarrassed? I mean, he bought her a car, you would think he would anticipate some sort of thanks. Or maybe he’s just going for the “Most Socially Awkward” award.
SS— Obviously someone who has been elected police chief would be ridiculously bad with people… :rolleyes:

“There was only one small bathroom at the top of the stairs, which I would have to share with Charlie. I was trying not to dwell too much on that fact.” (p.7)

LS— Oh no! I don’t get my own bathroom, whatever will I do?
SS—Charlie has explosive diarrhea, the poor guy.

“I should be tan, sporty, blond — a volleyball player, or a cheerleader, perhaps — all the things that go with living in the valley of the sun.” (p.7)

LS— Yeah, all the girls from Phoenix are tan, sporty, blonde cheerleaders and volleyball players. Seriously. You have no idea how big their cheerleading squads are.

“there were more than seven hundred people in my junior class alone back home” (p.7)

LS— Maybe I’m wrong, but I would think a big city like Phoenix would have more kids in the school district than my suburban city does…

“Instead, I was ivory-skinned, without even the excuse of blue eyes or red hair, despite the constant sunshine.” (p.7)

SS— So instead of tanning you burn. Funny how you don’t mention how freaking SUNBURNT you are right now.

“I looked at my face in the mirror as I brushed through my tangled, damp hair.” (p.7)

SS— Our friend, the mirror. Almost a necessity of first person writing. Too bad it’s such an overused and tired trick by now.

“The office was small; a little waiting area with padded folding chairs, orange-flecked commercial carpet, notices and awards cluttering the walls, a big clock ticking loudly. Plants grew everywhere in large plastic pots, as if there wasn’t enough greenery outside. The room was cut in half by a long counter, cluttered with wire baskets full of papers and brightly colored flyers taped to its front. There were three desks behind the counter, one of which was” (p.8-9)

SS—This is the only room described in this detail. Consistent description, yay.

“She went through my classes for me, highlighting the best route to each on the map” (p.9)

LS— … How big can a three hundred fifty-eight person school get?
SS— You don’t understand, she has to take the shortest route. Even if it involves walking into people.

“‘I’m headed toward building four, I could show you the way…’ Definitely over-helpful.” (p.10)

LS— Apparently being helpful at all is overly helpful.
SS—Apparently being a shallow and assuming bitch is cool.
LS— I also love that fact that she is worried about not making friends while she is acting like this.
SS— GO AWAY YOU ARE TOO FRIENDLY AND EASY TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH AND GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“I tried to be diplomatic, but mostly I just lied a lot.” (p.10)

LS— Being a sociopath is a good way to make friends, too.
SS— Ready for a bright young career in Real Estate.

“At least I never needed the map.” (p.10)

LS— Wow, good job Bella, you managed to not get lost in a friggin’ tiny school.

“I couldn’t remember her name, so I smiled and nodded as she prattled about teachers and classes. I didn’t try to keep up.” (p.11)

LS— God, I wish I had some friends. Urgh, what is this little thing that is making noise at me and smiling?
SS— “What’s your name?” “Oh, hi, nice to meet you, Rebecca.” “Now let me attempt for the first time to be interested in something other than myself.”

“They didn’t look anything alike.”
“And yet, they were all exactly alike. Every one of them was chalky pale, the palest of all the students
living in this sunless town. Paler than me, the albino. They all had very dark eyes despite the range in hair
tones. They also had dark shadows under those eyes — purplish, bruiselike shadows. As if they were all
suffering from a sleepless night, or almost done recovering from a broken nose. Though their noses, all
their features, were straight, perfect, angular.” (p.11)

LS— So let me get this straight. They didn’t look anything alike, except their skin, eyes, the shadows under there eyes, their noses, and all of their features. Yep, that doesn’t seem like a gigantic contradiction.

“the face of an angel” (p.11)

LS— And so it begins. Cream Count: 11
SSSQUEEE!

““Who are they?” I asked the girl from my Spanish class, whose name I’d forgotten.” (p.11)

LS— I guess she isn’t good looking enough to be important.
SS— I guess not. At least she spoke to her.

“I couldn’t stop myself from peeking occasionally through the screen of my hair at the strange boy next to
me. During the whole class, he never relaxed his stiff position on the edge of his chair, sitting as far from
me as possible. I could see his hand on his left leg was clenched into a fist, tendons standing out under his
pale skin. This, too, he never relaxed” (p.13)

SSHis entire body was a giant stiffy. It was love at first sight. He was everything I ever wanted in a man.

“the beautiful boy” “his perfect lips” ““They are… very nice-looking.” I struggled with the conspicuous understatement.” “as beautiful as they were”(p.12)
“the phrase if looks could kill suddenly ran through my mind.” (p.14)

LS— I have a feeling this number will get very high. Cream Count: 6
SS— Give my regards to Robert Pattinson

“I looked up to see a cute, baby-faced boy, his pale blond hair carefully gelled into orderly spikes, smiling
at me in a friendly way… He was the nicest person I’d met today.” (p.14)

LS— Or he was just nice and good looking, instead of just nice, like the other two people you met.

“low, attractive voice”“his face was absurdly handsome” “ a voice like velvet” (p.15)

LS— Cream Count: 9

2. Open Book

“It was ridiculous, and egotistical” (p.16)

LS— Tsk, tsk. Bella, you shouldn’t refer to yourself as “It”.
SS— Oh, snap.

“They’re all very attractive” (p.19)

LS— Cream Count: 10

“‘Ew.’ Snow. There went my good day.
He looked surprised. ‘Don’t you like snow?’
‘No. That means it’s too cold for rain.’ Obviously.” (p.20)

LS— What kind of excuse is that? Also, it won’t be as fun if the characters call themselves out for being Captain Obvious. That’s my job.

“Twice Mike asked, with unnecessary concern, how I was feeling.” (p.21)

LS— Jeeze, what’s with you people and caring about me all the time? Can’t you see I’m trying to be outrageously depressing about everything? It doesn’t work if people think I actually have people who care about me.

“His dazzling face was friendly, open, a slight smile on his flawless lips.” “He laughed a soft, enchanting laugh.” “I looked up to see him smiling a crooked smile so beautiful that I could only stare at him like an idiot.” (p.23)

LS— Cream Count: 14

“I couldn’t fathom his interest” (p.25)

LS— Urgh, can’t you see I’m trying to be melodramatic? Stop being nice.

“perfect, ultrawhite teeth” “beautiful boy” (p.27)

LS— Cream Count: 16
SS— Brought to you by Crest®.

1 See what Robert Pattinson, who is playing Edward in the upcoming movie, thinks of his character: here.

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Comment

  1. Corsair on 20 September 2008, 06:09 said:

    I was going to comment on your fortitude for making it this far into a whiny drama for teenage girls as a man who reads Martin.

    Then I actually read this and I realized that anyone who actually read the first chapter of this nightmarish book either has to be lobotomized or be preparing themselves for a long-term visit to a Gulag.

  2. Sarah on 23 September 2008, 20:57 said:

    Let me preface myself by thanking you for writing some carefully thought out criticism. It is very rare nowadays that authors are called out for their mistakes and shortcomings. While I do not disagree with most of the things in this review, there are a few things about the characters that were misinterpreted. The whole point of Bella as a character is that she does not relate well to anyone, especially people her own age. She would prefer to not have to socialize at all, and views at it as a necessary, often unpleasant thing.

  3. SlyShy on 24 September 2008, 17:45 said:

    Well, actually, this is the series where we mostly crack jokes. Our well thought out criticism is still being written.

    As to Bella, if she doesn’t relate well to most people, why does everyone seem to like her? From my experience, socially awkward kids are shunned, which is unfortunate because most austic kids are wonderful people once they warm up. There is still something about how her character is written that is “off”.

  4. Lord Snow on 24 September 2008, 17:56 said:

    Ok. This is coming up a lot, so thank you for bringing it up, Sarah. In the EWW’s Sly and I are criticizing the books. We try to bring up many valid points of why these books are truly bad. But, with that said, we try to have fun with these. We make jokes, and we make fun of people. So, if you don’t agree with something, or you think it is a stretch, or maybe you feel there is nothing wrong with something we bring up, it is probably safe to assume that it is a joke.

  5. Mumbling Sage on 19 October 2008, 15:36 said:

    I can’t get to the Robert Pattinson quote. So now I’ll never understand the ‘cream count’ :(. Except that it seems to be Twilight’s answer to the single tear, but a hundred times more annoying.

  6. Lord Snow on 19 October 2008, 18:02 said:

    Ah, yeah. The link doesn’t seem to work for me, either.
    Anyways. here is the quote: “When you read the book it’s like, ‘Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.’”

  7. Snow White Queen on 19 October 2008, 18:07 said:

    XD

    nice, robert! i’m hoping he’s making edward slightly less of a gary stu in the movie.

  8. Lord Snow on 19 October 2008, 18:12 said:

    Here is the actual Impish Idea article, in case anyone missed it.

    Robert Pattison: Too Smart for Twilight

  9. Liv on 18 December 2008, 09:34 said:

    I read this book thought it was terribly written, and gave teenage girls something as equally lame as the Jonas Brothers and all Disney Channel Related Propoganda to obsess/ swoon over. Females actually think boys should be like Edward….. I never thought I’d say this… but I think that if there had been a copy of Twilight at the Seneca Fallc convention one of our foremothers would have picked it up, taken one glance down a page and been like, “S****, why the hell are we even bothering when the modern generation of girls are going to forget independence to be protected by heavily, breathing strangely attractive stalkers who sparkle in the sun? Tragic,”

    If there had been a copy of Twilight at Seneca Falls, I’d still be condemned to the kitchen, with no rights whatsoever.

    Oh, and the writing is ghastly. I think I am the only girl in America who didn’t recieve a copy of Twilight with a brainwashing chip inside. Lucky me.

  10. T on 31 May 2009, 00:23 said:

    That was pretty freaking awesome. Well, very, actually.

  11. Anne on 13 July 2009, 19:56 said:

    I liked it. Its awesome..Trust me please.

  12. The Tiler on 13 August 2009, 06:37 said:

    Anne, you had better be talking about the article, not Twilight.

  13. Raymond on 3 November 2009, 11:21 said:

    I have to say. This is probably the best thing about Twilight I’ve ever read. Thank you so much for pointing out all of the flaws in it. I bow down in your grace.

    The cream count thing is hilarious, btw.

  14. Galde on 21 December 2009, 08:29 said:

    ‘Paler than me, the albino.’

    She’s an albino? But she has brown hair, doesn’t she? I thought albinos had creamy-white hair from no pigmentation. Or was the brown hair just from the film posters?

    “Instead, I was ivory-skinned, without even the excuse of blue eyes or red hair, despite the constant sunshine.” (p.7)

    So she has no excuse to be pale, meaning she’s not an albino… so then why call herself an albino? Now I’m confused. D:

  15. swenson on 21 December 2009, 11:43 said:

    I think it was supposed to be slightly sarcastic self-degradation… although it’s difficult to tell, what with Smeyer’s, ah, interesting word choice at times.

  16. shutit on 16 January 2010, 13:23 said:

    WTF is this? All you’re doing is taking lines from the book and commentating on them. This isn’t criticism. This is just you running your mouth making the rest of us Twilight haters look bad. Shut up.

  17. Chant on 16 January 2010, 15:28 said:

    @shutit – I think “taking lines from the book and commenting on them” qualifies as criticism. If you really want something more in-depth, look here. http://impishidea.com/criticism/424/twilight-abridged-and-annotated-chapters-1-and-2

  18. Puppet on 16 January 2010, 15:39 said:

    You’re right, it isn’t criticism. Its critique.

  19. Lord Snow on 16 January 2010, 19:41 said:

    I like how you think it is us giving our opinions and making jokes that give you a bad name. It couldn’t have anything to do with you being an all around rude douche bag trolling other people websites, could it?

  20. Steph of the Crazy Purple Platypus People on 17 January 2010, 04:55 said:

    Hey, it’s Lord Snow!

    Anyway. Chant’s comment is another reason why I am thankful that Artimaeus sacrificed himself on the altar of brain bleach to write Twilight:A&A for us.

  21. Donavan on 16 August 2010, 17:53 said:

    Isn’t it comical how almost every teenage girl loves Twilight? I too felt it’s draw… before I actually READ the books. Then it was just down hill bud. Honestly, they can literally take it and shove it up their hairy butts. I would say the latter but i shan’t in case of little eyes that may have found this page. I can’t wait until Vampires Suck comesout. First thing about twilight that actually has some class and quality. Jesus people, Sparkly vampires? Honestly? What a joke!

  22. J on 28 June 2011, 15:45 said:

    Generally pretty funny, but as a former mechanic, I’m obligated by the Code to point out that new cars, while better than old ones in many ways, don’t last nearly as well as old ones. In fifty years, there are still going to be plenty of fully operation ’57 Fairlanes, but there probably won’t me more than a couple hundred 2011 Priuses (Prii?)that still run. (Not an attack on Toyota—just a random example.)

  23. May on 24 September 2011, 12:20 said:

    Keep up the Twishite bashing. :D

  24. Yog-Sothoth on 6 December 2013, 11:26 said:

    People who burn instead of taning do get tan. After the burn. That’s usually how it works for most of us, we get sunburn, then it clears and the skin is darker. If we’re sutpid enough to let that happen, that is. Most of us use layers upon layers of sunscreen because SKIN CANCER.