Hello, and welcome back to my sporking of Evermore. I apologize for the delay between articles, my exams just finished and schoolwork’s been piling up on my table. But anyway, enough of my life. We’re supposed to be verbally eviscerating this book. So let’s go!
We are currently in Ever’s room, and she’s talking to someone who isn’t Riley! Who could this be? Hmm… I’ll need my thinking cap for this.
But the voice in my room definitely wasn’t a ghost. It also wasn’t Riley. The voice in my room belonged to Damen.
Oh jeez, this is creeping me out already. What’s funny is, she thinks this is a dream. I’m getting bad recollections to Edward’s confessions of watching Bella sleeping. Well, this bastard’s already in her room. Beat that, Cullen!
“Hey.” He smiles, slipping into his seat seconds after the bell rings, but since this is Mr. Robins’s class it’s the same as being early.
Wait, so she is dreaming? Huh. Who would’ve thought. But we’re in class? I thought this was her room! That transition was horribly written. Wait, there was no transition. By the way, is it supposed to be “Robins’s”? It doesn’t look quite right. Also, in this class, being late is the same as being early? What?
“I’m emancipated,” he adds.
This way, there’s no trouble from pesky parents on either side and they can stare doe-eyed at each other however long they want. This is fucking lazy writing at its best, everyone. I mean, I can understand getting rid of your protagonist’s parents for plot development and characterisation, but this doesn’t mean shit. But at this point in the book, we’re eight chapters and forty-five pages in and I don’t care at all. Seriously. Ever could turn into a hippo and this series could progress in a whole different direction, and I still wouldn’t bat an eyelash. That’s how much Noël has made me like her characters.
I’ve never met anyone who was emancipated, and I always thought it sounded so lonely and sad. Though from the looks of his car, his clothes, and his glamorous Friday nights at the St. Regis hotel, he doesn’t seem to be doing so badly.
Of course he has to be doing well.
Of course. The Love Interest in this kind of book can never be someone that’s actually realistic with real emotions and whatnot.
“So where’s your family?” he asks.
This is going to end well.
“They’re dead,” I say, as Mr. Robins walks in.
Somehow, none of the emotions these characters express feel at all real. Why could that be?
Damen gazes at me from across the lunch table
Quit with the goddamn usage of ‘gaze’, it’s fucking irritating having to read that over and over and over. Eyes do other things besides meaninglessly gaze at people.
So he puts his hand on hers AGAIN, and:
infusing me with a feeling so good, so warm, so calm, and so safe, I close my eyes and allow it. Allow myself to enjoy the peace of it. Grateful to hear what he says and not what he thinks. Like an average girl with a much better than average boy.
Inferiority complex much? I know that when I was with the girl I had a crush on, I never thought myself to be below her. It’s a matter of actually having a backbone. Not that difficult, considering that most humans are born with one.
And for some excitement, Haven shows up! Woohoo.
Then gazing at Damen, she adds, “So, how was everyone’s weekend?”
STOP WITH THE GAZING OR I WILL RIP YOUR FUCKING EYEBALLS OUT AND SELL THEM ON THE BLACK MARKET.
Damen shrugs, and Haven brings on this big paragraph about how she spent her time cleaning up her brother’s vomit and all those little things that I don’t actually give a fuck about and aren’t important to the narrative of the story.
She nods, deigning to look at me again.
Why the hell is Haven so haughty this chapter? Totally out of character. But then hey, what do I know?
“People have vampire names?”
Nope nope nope nope nope. So much nope. Don’t you dare go there, Suethor. No way in hell. I will quit sporking if you dare bring vampires into this shit. Also, Miles shows up from out of nowhere. Seriously, he just randomly appears and the way we know this is from his dialogue, which is suddenly interjected into this extremely retarded conversation about how Haven’s in a club for ‘vampires’. Now, if this was a good author, a quick introduction of another character could have been done well. I’m not even going to start on how weird it was that Miles just suddenly appeared here. But it’s a dream, so I’m giving her some leeway.
Miles: “Is that like a stripper name? You know, like your first childhood pet plus your mom’s maiden name? Because that makes me Princess Slavin, thank you very much.” He smiles.
How much more gay do you want to make this guy, Noël? Really. WE GET IT.
“Uh, no. It’s nothing like that. You see, a vampire name is serious. And unlike most people, I don’t even have to change mine, because Haven is like an organic vamp name, one hundred percent natural, no additives or preservatives.” She laughs. “I told you I’m a dark princess!”
I don’t get the concept of ‘organic’ names. Maybe she meant original? I’m not sure. But the dark princess at the end sounds a little forced; meaning it sounds like she’s trying too hard to get her gothic persona across. In simpler terms, she sounds like a fucking poser.
“There was even a VIP coven room, which I totally snuck into and hung out at the blood bar.”
A coven is a group of WITCHES. Old ladies that have wild hair and keep black cats and live in creepy houses. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET YOUR MONSTERS RIGHT YOU DUMB PRETENTIOUS BITCH.
So basically there’s a conversation going on between Haven and Damen about how Haven went to this ‘vampire’ club called the Nocturne. Irritated at being left out, Ever begins to talk to Miles about how his weekend went, to which he answers:
“I spent most of it in the bathroom text messaging this guy who’s apparently a big fat liar!”
Okay then. How is he a liar exactly? Ever wonders the same thing.
“I’ve been asking for a picture all weekend because no way am I meeting up without getting a solid visual. And this is what he sends. Stupid phony poseur!”
I squint at the thumbnail, not quite getting what he’s so angry about. “How do you know it’s not him?” I ask, glancing at Miles.
And then Damen says, “Because it’s me.”
Whoa. That totally came out of left-field. So Damen’s been talking to Miles about possibly being in a relationship? With the token gay guy? That would be an interesting plot twist.
And with that, we end the chapter for today. See you next time, folks!