This book makes me want to choke myself with a dandelion.

Damen and Ever only have two classes together, and we join them just as Ever’s getting out of art class.

He runs up beside me, holding the door as I slink past, eyes glued to the ground, wondering how I can possibly uninvite him.

Noël seems to like runon sentences. Is this a staple of the genre? I hope not.

“Your friends asked me to stop by tonight,” he says, his stride matching mine. “But I won’t be able to make it.”

Ten bucks says he shows up anyway.

“Oh!” I say, caught completely off guard, regretting the way my voice just betrayed me by sounding so happy. “I mean, are you sure?” I try to sound softer, more accommodating, like I really do want him to visit, even though it’s too late.

You really do want him to visit. You really do. The quicker you accept that, the faster this book will progress.

So Ever’s reached her car, where Miles is waiting. He’s understandably pissed since Damen’s not coming (I doubt this), they get in the car and drive away, when Miles says:

“It’s just that I so don’t get you. It’s like, nothing about you makes any sense.”

I don’t get this book.

For one thing, you’re completely knock-down, drag-out gorgeous, at least I think you might be, because it’s really hard to tell when you’re always hiding under those ugly stretched-out hoodies. I mean, sorry to be the one to say it, Ever, but the whole ensemble is completely tragic, like camouflage for the homeless, and I don’t think we should have to pretend otherwise. Also; I hate to be the one to break it to you, but making a point to avoid the completely hot new guy, who is so obviously into you, is just weird.”

NO HE IS NOT COMPLETELY INTO HER STOP RUINING THE FUCKING STORY BY ACCELERATING THE ROMANCE OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO CALL IT NOËL BECAUSE YOUR BOOK IS BAD ENOUGH ALREADY AND-

Sorry, I think I snapped a little. But seriously… the Sue is drag-out gorgeous (whatever the hell that means) and the Stu is already into her even though we’re only at chapter six. What the fuck. This is sounding less and less like a published novel and more like a written fantasy by the minute. Wait, who am I kidding?! It never resembled a decent novel anyway.

“There’s a lot more to attraction than just looks, you know.”

Like warm tingling touch, deep smoldering eyes, and the seductive sound of a voice that can silence the world.

I’m thinking Noël assumes teenage lust is a synonym for love. Also… those are pretty aesthetic qualities and can be grouped into the “looks” category. Ever’s thought process just then made her sound like even more of a dumbass than usual, which seems pretty difficult given the circumstances.

As it turns out, Friday night was cancelled. Well, not the night, just our plans. Partly because Haven’s little brother, Austin, got sick and she was the only one around to take care of him, and partly because Miles’s sports-loving dad dragged him to a football game and forced him to wear the team colors and act like he cared. And as soon as Sabine learned I’d be home by myself, she left work early and offered to take me to dinner.

I’m pretty sure Damen will show up where Ever’s going to be heading off to.

So Ever gets ready to leave, but just before she does, Riley shows up and scares the shit out of her.

She jumps onto my bed and rearranges the pillows before she leans back.

I don’t understand… she can touch things? I thought she was supposed to be a ghost. I’ll just call her an invisible-person-seen-only-by-Ever for convenience.

So after an… embarrassing bit of dialogue from Riley, Ever has a rather clever riposte. Well, not really clever, but you get what I mean.

“So when are you scheduled for angel school? Or have they banned you because you’re so evil?”

This sounds like something a grade-schooler would say. Not a teenager.

But she just smiles sweetly and says, “Mom and Dad send their love,” seconds before disappearing.

That sounds more than a little bitchy. Haha, your parents are dead and only I can see them! Oh yeah, they send their love.

Which brings us to the end of this chapter. Thankfully, it was really short. I skipped a lot of dialogue which I felt wasn’t necessary (I would have skipped most of the chapter but there wouldn’t have been too much of a spork) so I’ll try and make the next chapter more enjoyable. Until then, goodbye!

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Comment

  1. Epke on 5 April 2014, 15:16 said:

    <blows a raspberry> That was a chapter? Gaaaah! I don’t get how you can keep this up, Spud. This is boring: even worse than Bella Swan chewing her ceral _

    “There’s a lot more to attraction than just looks, you know.”
    Like warm tingling touch, deep smoldering eyes, and the seductive sound of a voice that can silence the world.

    Oh, bite me, you hypocrite.

  2. Asahel on 5 April 2014, 18:48 said:

    I’ve heard of a knock-down, drag-out fight before. Makes sense in that context since people are actually knocking each other down and dragging each other around. But, the description of knock-down, drag-out gorgeous seems to imply he thinks she’s so gorgeous that he wants to knock her down and drag her away like a stereotypical caveman. Not exactly the image I think one would want for one’s love interest.

  3. Talisman on 5 April 2014, 22:47 said:

    I think the phrase “knock-down, drag-out gorgeous” came from the author inadvertently conflating “knock-down drag-out” (as in, an all-out fight where the participants hold nothing back) with “knockout,” as in, a woman who’s so beautiful that her mere appearance causes men to faint. Doesn’t make it any better, but I can kinda sorta squint my brain and see how it happened.

  4. The Smith of Lie on 6 April 2014, 07:01 said:

    And now, since the chapter did not happen on account of Haven killing Ever and consuming her blood to sustain her unholy state of undeath, I will proceed to discover whatever had happened to the rest of miserable cast.

    Damen was worried. Neither Ever nor Haven showed up in school today. Abesnce of one of the girls would be easy to explain, a bad cold could be a reason. But both of them at once? That was conspicious. For a second he fretted that Ever might not be unwittingly deep in love with him and spending the time with Haven. A mental image, probably welcome for most teenagers, flashed in his mind and he recoiled in jelousy at the very thought behind the vision. Ever and Haven together, happy and not even sparing him a thought. The horror.

    Suddenly, he felt a pressure in the back of his head. Familiar pressure. Competly forgetting about Ever and Haven and depravities he imagined them doing, he started nervously looking around. One of his kind was around, but where? He immediately excluded possibility any of his classmates was the source of the feeling, he spend enough time here to detect any others if they were students or teachers. So, someone from the outside than?

    Doors flew open and inside came answer to Damen’s question. The man was pale, with dark and greasy hair. Shades under the eyes gave him distinct look of heroin addict. But what instantly caught attention was not the man’s face or hair or eyes. No, everyone in the class was looking at the ugly scar on his neck, as if he was a victim of failed beheading. Well, that was untill he drawn out the sword, somehow miraculously concealed under leather jacket. „I have found you at last, boy.” He smiled predatorily looking straight at Damen.

    There was no time for deliberation. Cursing himself for being caught with his pants down he bolted. Fortunately his desk was right next to the window. Albeit jumping out from the third floor was unpleasant prospect, getting parted with his head was even worse. He jumped. Glass gave way, cutting him in dozen places.

    As if the sound of breaking glass broke an enchantment of silence, everyone in class started shouting in confusion. Ignoring the students man walked to the window. He looked after Damen, who was limping away as quickly as he could. Than he swung his sword forcefully at Damen’s desk, causing it to break and again silencing everyone. He looked at them with an amused smile. „See him there children?” He pointed at escaping boy, who almost disappeared behind the closest corner. „Don’t be like him.” Walking briskly, he was almost out of the classroom when he paused for moment. „I have one thing to say, it’s better to burn out than to fade away!”

    He lost him. Not for long probably. Damen heard of him and knew the man was relentless. And crazy. And dangerous, very dangerous. And without weapon, Damen knew he had no chances against millenia of swordsmanship experience his foe possesed. If only he could get to the car, he had his sword there. Good toledan steel. Yes, with a sword in hand he had a fighting chance. At least his leg was better, he could almost run again.

    „There you are.” His pursuer found him, just as Damen was closing the trunk of his car. He turned quickly, unsheating his blade. Barely in time, he managed to parry a sweeping vertical slash. A slash, that would leave him headless. It was madness, fighting in the middle of the street, where everyone could see them. But he had no choice. Well, he had choice to die, which he decided was not a very good choice.

    Steel met steel. Swords rang as they exchanged hits. It quickly became obvious to him, that his opponent was better. And stronger. Maybe not as fast, but he had better reach than Damen so it cancelled out. Panting he realized, that he can’t win. And than, that he didn’t need to. Average response time in the neighbourhood was 6 minutes, somoen surely called police. So he had but to survive. For another 4 minutes.

    Time seemed to slow down to crawl. And than he saw an opening. With a depserate plunge Damen stabbed the man through the bowels. And instantly realized how big a mistake was that. „Seems you just lost your head boy.” Despite what must have been exruciating pain, the man not only refused to fall, with Damen’s sword still stuck in his gut, he twisted and wrested the hilt of it out of boy’s hands. „There can be only one!” It was the last thing Damen heard.

  5. Brendan Rizzo on 6 April 2014, 10:47 said:

    I really feel sorry for you for having to go through with this, and applaud you for your fortitude in keeping up with this, since any plot this “story” may have had has now come to a complete halt in favor of the vapid high-school romance which will never even progress. One really must wonder why the author even bothered to give her Mary Sue protagonist the ability to sense others’ feelings and see ghosts if that is never going to be important.

    Noël seems to like runon sentences. Is this a staple of the genre? I hope not.

    Sadly, it is a staple of the “write a fanfic and then change all characters’ names so you don’t get sued” genre, originated by Twilight and popularized by Fifty Shades of Grey, of which this book is a part.

  6. Juracan on 6 April 2014, 14:19 said:

    For including the Kurgan in a spitefic, I think The Smith of Lie should be awarded a book deal.

    Though I don’t get how this was a chapter. Nothing much happened that couldn’t have been placed in the last or next chapters.

    Also WHERE DID IT SAY DAMEN WAS INTO HER? Because everything up to that point could easily be seen as just being polite (if I recall correctly).

  7. The Smith of Lie on 6 April 2014, 14:47 said:

    Noël seems to like runon sentences. Is this a staple of the genre? I hope not.

    Maybe it is just hope that if she keeps on talking in one long one long incredibly unbroken sentence moving from topic to topic so that no-one had a chance to interrupt it, it will be quite hypnotic?

    Also, on the topic of pharses using gorgeous – I personally thought that Noel misused drop dead gorgeous, since drag out makes no sense. Unless one inteprets it as someone being so gorgeous that the beuity forcibly lures people out of hiding. Makes sense, considering normal people would hide from Ever.

  8. Gura Gura on 6 April 2014, 22:03 said:

    bq.This book makes me want to choke myself with a dandelion.

    What has the weed done to you? Though the quality is quite facepalm worthy.

    Also could someone tell me how I become a member of the site?
    I want to submit a sporking of The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel. Also could someone perhaps partner with me on it?

  9. Juracan on 7 April 2014, 10:36 said:

    Also could someone tell me how I become a member of the site?

    It used to be that you e-mail the editors with an article, or just e-mail them in general, but I don’t know the process now that they’ve been caught up in real life and all.

    I want to submit a sporking of The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel. Also could someone perhaps partner with me on it?

    I kind of liked the first couple books, but I never thought they were very good, and they get more nonsensical as they go on. I’d be willing to give it a shot if I have the time.

  10. Gura Gura on 7 April 2014, 11:58 said:

    Thanks Juracan.

    Could I give you my Email and we discuss times at which we could work on it?

  11. Juracan on 9 April 2014, 07:49 said:

    Go right ahead.

  12. Gura Gura on 9 April 2014, 11:48 said:

    Alright. Thank you.

    NihilisticRam@Gmail.com

    There it is.

    Thank you again.

  13. Holy Irony on 11 April 2014, 02:39 said:

    I simply don’t understand how this can be a best-seller novel.

    Strike that.

    I simply don’t understand how this can be a novel.

  14. Potatoman on 11 April 2014, 09:41 said:

    I simply don’t understand how this can be a novel.

    Your guess is as good as mine.

  15. The Smith of Lie on 11 April 2014, 14:43 said:

    I simply don’t understand how this can be a novel.

    Obvious answer is secret pact with a Satan. Hanlon’s Razor offers more probable, more depressing and much less awesome answer: people are stupid and will buy any crap you shove at them.

  16. Brendan Rizzo on 9 May 2014, 09:05 said:

    I simply don’t understand how this can be a best-seller novel.

    I’m pretty much convinced that the best-seller list is meaningless by this point.

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