We’re introduced to a new character here.

Damen is gorgeous. I know this without once looking up.

Fuck. Happy fun times are over, ladies and gentlemen. This author gets to work real quick. Already we have the goffick friend, the Scary Sue and the Shiny Gorgeous Love Interest. This is where everything goes downhill. Let me just ask… is there going to be a love triangle? Please no.

I nod, refusing to look any further than his sleek, black, motorcycle boots. The kind that are more GQ than Hells Angels.

I feel bad for this guy. His fate is to get shipped with Ever Bloom for God knows how many books, and his character will probably not even get expanded on that much. How depressing.

So nothing much happens, Damen moves closer to Ever and she scoots further away, thinking about how everybody else thinks it’s a damn shame such a hot guy is sitting with a freak like her, class ends, and everyone starts talking about Damen Auguste. Because you know, he’s just hot. And stuff. You know the drill.

“He’s like combustible!”
– Haven

What. The. Fuck. One example of brilliant dialogue in modern novels, ladies and gents. Do people really think this is good writing? What would authors of years gone by think of this standard of literature?

Oh yeah, other new character: Miles. Gay guy. Baby face. Totally into Damen from the second that he walked into class. I’ve kinda stopped being surprised, at this point. This is the first YA novel I’ve really sat down and examined, and I’m trying not to draw parallels with others I’ve read before. Also, is there always supposed to be a token gay guy? Just wondering. Because there is one in the House of Night series.

So Haven and Miles are gushing about how ridiculously good-looking Damen is because we don’t know much else about him so there’s not really anything else to gush about. Which is not necessarily a bad thing…

Also, they keep pestering Ever, asking her why she hasn’t looked at him yet; when this thought crosses her mind.

My only friends. And I feel like I am keeping enough secrets already.

This, to me, summarises the big relationship problem YA heroines have with their ‘friends’ (think Clary from City of Bones). Of course, their friends are also horribly characterised if at all, but the thing is they just don’t seem to matter when the Hot Guy shows up. They’re thrust to the side so we can read all about how inhumanly (pun intended) attractive and beautiful the Love Interest is. They don’t matter, which is a damn shame. What’s funny is that sometimes, the minor characters are better written than the main protagonists.

Anyway, she assuages their concerns by saying that she sat next to Damen in English class. Haven’s response?

“Oh that must have been awful for you that must’ve really sucked.”

This is one of the most ridiculous sentences I’ve ever read in my life. Isn’t it supposed to have a break in between? It sounds like two sentences written as one mutated monstrous sentence. Ew.

Oh yeah, famous classic literature must be mentioned somehow. The heroine is no dumbshit. Oh wait.

“Wuthering Heights.”

I love classic literature. I really do. But just mentioning it for the sake of having a classic in your own novel so that readers will think that the heroine/author insert is really awesomesmartsuperspecial is not going to work.

Aaand here come the compliments. Ever Bloom’s description, by Haven:

“Well thank you for that,” she mumbles, breaking her vanilla cupcake in half. “The last thing I need is competition from the blond goddess.”

I understand friends will compliment each other at times (my best friend calls me adorable almost everyday) but you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Blond goddess? Really? REALLY?! Tell me your thoughts on this in the comments, guys. I really want to know what you think of this. So far, it’s the most WTF line I’ve read in this book. Oh yeah, shoutout to Pryotra for cluing me into the whole drinking game thing. One shot of Qoo, down the hatch.

I cringe and gaze down at the table. I get embarrassed when people say things like that.

The Sue shows her true colors.

Modesty, check. Another shot, since she’s now a blatant Mary Sue. It doesn’t get that much more obvious. People call you beautiful and you look down and cringe. By the way, I don’t thing cringe means what Noël thinks it means.

Another WTF line rears its ugly head when Haven and Miles argue about Damen’s sexuality. Haven is sure that Damen is straight.

“Gaydar,” she says, tapping her forehead. “And trust me, this guy does not register.”

Yup, this calls for more Qoo. At this point, I’m praying for the chapter to be over.

random scene break

Uh, don’t know what just happened, but apparently we are now in the parking lot with Ever and Miles, who is now ranting at Ever to open her eyes and look at Damen. What follows is the most disgusting, predatory character description I’ve read since Twilight. I’ll include the whole paragraph for your viewing pain.

And what I see leaves me unable to speak, blink, or move. And even though Miles starts waving at me, glaring at me, and basically giving me every signal he can think of to abort the mission and return to headquarters, I can’t. I mean, I’d like to, because I know I’m acting like the freak everyone’s already convinced that I am, but it’s completely impossible. And it’s not just because Damen is undeniably beautiful, with his shiny dark hair that hits just shy of his shoulders and curves around his high sculpted cheekbones, but when he looks at me, when he lifts his dark sunglasses and meets my gaze, I see that his almond shaped eyes are deep, dark, and strangely familiar, framed by lashes so lush they almost seem fake. And his lips! His lips are ripe and inviting with a perfect Cupid’s bow. And the body that holds it all up is long, lean, tight, and clad in all black.

I’m sorry, I just turned away for a couple of moments with my face in my hands. Undeniably beautiful? Sounds more than odd. AND HIS LIPS! God, it sounds like Noël was in the middle of an orgasm when she wrote this shit. I’m praying harder guys, pray with me.

And after that, she notices that the guy has no aura (explained in the color chart I posted above)… when:

random scene break

We are now at the hospital. How did that happen? I don’t know. So let’s continue.

Ever asks the nurse why she’s all pink, the nurse thinks she’s cuckoo so she gets the doctor and then we get a description of eye exams and how Ever is visited by Riley (dead sister). But the thing that really pisses me off is how nonchalant she is about all this supernatural crap and then jizzes her pants when a hot guy shows up. FFS woman, think with your brain! Anywhere below the waist is not meant for cognitive function.

The part where Riley shows up could have been expanded on and become really really really interesting, so it becomes a matter of what the author was thinking when she decided to gloss over that in favour of writing paragraphs and paragraphs about how hot some aura-less guy is.

Long story short, Damen asks for Ever’s copy of Wuthering Heights, Ever gives it to him and then Damen drives away. Oh yes, before I end this, I’d like to say that the dialogue in this thing is really horrendous. For example:

“But when I said you’d freak out when you saw him, it wasn’t a suggestion, it wasn’t supposed to be taken literally. Seriously Ever, what happened back there? Because that was some mega tense awkwardness, a real Hello, my name is Ever and I’ll be your next stalker kind, of moment. I’m so serious, I thought we were gonna have to resuscitate you. And believe me, you are extremely lucky our good friend Haven was not here to see that, because I hate to remind you, but she did call dibs …”

I’m not sure who talks like this. Do you know anybody who talks like this? Because this sounds exactly like the dialogue that pops up every now and then in the ‘honorable mentions’ lists of sucky YA paranormal romance books. I swear, I’ll give up reading YA if the majority is written like this. But it won’t be too much of a big loss, since I didn’t read YA much before this anyway.

I mean, how can I explain how ever since the accident, the only people whose thoughts I can’t hear, whose lives I can’t know, and whose auras I can’t see, are already dead?

With that, the chapter ends. I’ll see you next time, guys. Thanks for reading!

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Comment

  1. Alchemist64 on 25 December 2013, 01:24 said:

    Oh that must have been awful for you that must’ve really sucked.”

    Should be “Oh, that must have been awful for you. That must’ve really sucked.”
    Did nobody proofread this?

    I understand friends will compliment each other at times (my best friend calls me adorable almost everyday) but you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Blond goddess? Really? REALLY?!

    I could buy it if they were either a) saying it sarcastically or b) there was a funny backstory behind it. I doubt either of those are the case.

    “Gaydar,” she says, tapping her forehead. “And trust me, this guy does not register.”

    I don’t know any non-douchebag who uses the term “Gaydar” in a regular conversation.

    “But when I said you’d freak out when you saw him, it wasn’t a suggestion, it wasn’t supposed to be taken literally. Seriously Ever, what happened back there? Because that was some mega tense awkwardness, a real Hello, my name is Ever and I’ll be your next stalker kind, of moment. I’m so serious, I thought we were gonna have to resuscitate you. And believe me, you are extremely lucky our good friend Haven was not here to see that, because I hate to remind you, but she did call dibs …”

    This reminds me of the dialogue I often see in fanfiction. In fact, a lot of the dialogue in this book reminds me of fanfiction dialogue (and not in a good way).

  2. Potatoman on 25 December 2013, 01:47 said:

    Did nobody proofread this?

    It’s probably not that they didn’t proofread it so much as they didn’t proofread it well. A lot of YA novels are apparently like this.

    I could buy it if they were either a) saying it sarcastically or b) there was a funny backstory behind it. I doubt either of those are the case.

    There is no backstory and no introduction with any of her friends. It’s weakly attempted to be weaved in through poor narration and even poorer dialogue, but the fact remains that the way this book is written, I do not give a fuck about its characters at all.

    In fact, a lot of the dialogue in this book reminds me of fanfiction dialogue (and not in a good way).

    I got that feeling as well. Just wait for the oufit descriptions.

  3. Asahel on 25 December 2013, 02:00 said:

    And after that, she notices that the guy has no aura (explained in the color chart I posted above)…

    You know, I could almost forgive the impossibly hot Love Interest if the first thing she had noticed about him was the first thing she should have noticed about him. He has no aura. Everyone she’s ever seen before has an aura. Her first seeing him should have been more along the lines of:

    What I see leaves me stupefied. Why doesn’t he have an aura? I stare, wondering if it’s just somehow dimmer than most, but, no. No aura at all. Not even a little bit. What does it mean? How is it possible? I’m so zoned out that I barely notice Miles’ antics—barely hear him mutter, “Yeah, he’s hot, I get it,” but he doesn’t get it. He can’t get it. After his comment, I do notice that Damen is unquestionably handsome, but who cares about handsome when he’s… unusual. The corner of my mouth turns up in a slight smile. Unusual. Like me.

    Ok, not great, but still an improvement, I think.

  4. Potatoman on 25 December 2013, 02:23 said:

    Ok, not great, but still an improvement, I think.

    Asahel, that was brilliant.

  5. Rachel on 25 December 2013, 02:39 said:

    What I see leaves me stupefied. Why doesn’t he have an aura? I stare, wondering if it’s just somehow dimmer than most, but, no. No aura at all. Not even a little bit. What does it mean? How is it possible? I’m so zoned out that I barely notice Miles’ antics—barely hear him mutter, “Yeah, he’s hot, I get it,” but he doesn’t get it. He can’t get it. After his comment, I do notice that Damen is unquestionably handsome, but who cares about handsome when he’s… unusual. The corner of my mouth turns up in a slight smile. Unusual. Like me.

    Or:

    “Yeah, he’s hot, I get it,” but he doesn’t get it. He can’t get it. Every person I meet—from Haven to my teachers to the kids in the hallways to the tired ladies dishing out bland cafeteria food—has an aura. It was blinding at first, that mass of colors, but after three years I’ve come to accept it. It’s nothing, now. Just white noise, or the visual equivalent.
    But now….
    Now, as I stare at Damen Auguste, I realize just how dizzying those colors can be. He has no colors—nothing but himself. I haven’t seen someone this way since before the accident. And seeing him now is like hearing silence for the first time after years of people screaming in my ear, every waking moment.
    Damen is silent. His lack of aura is a whisper in a world that never stops shouting.
    And I like him for it.

  6. The Smith of Lie on 25 December 2013, 03:21 said:

    I’m sorry, I just turned away for a couple of moments with my face in my hands. Undeniably beautiful? Sounds more than odd. AND HIS LIPS! God, it sounds like Noël was in the middle of an orgasm when she wrote this shit. I’m praying harder guys, pray with me.

    I propose you do like Apep, who in a moment of sporking brilliance instituted a Both Hands on the Keyboard counter for scnenes just like this.

    Because that was some mega tense awkwardness, a real Hello, my name is Ever and I’ll be your next stalker kind, of moment.

    Thanks to some abuse of common comma we are now introduced to a concept of “stalker kind”. My theory? It is a kind of supernatural, predatory creature in Evermore verse. It is humanlike in apperance but not in the true nature, as Stalker Kind feasts on human flesh. They have the power to see auras and do psychic readings to more easily stalk their prey.

  7. Epke on 25 December 2013, 19:25 said:

    The kind that are more GQ than Hells Angels.

    She mean more like GQ magazine? Because their covers are mostly guys in suits/nice clothes and you only see their faces or upper bodies, so I don’t know how GQ biker boots would look like.

    thinking about how everybody else thinks it’s a damn shame such a hot guy is sitting with a freak like her, class ends, and everyone starts talking about Damen Auguste. Because you know, he’s just hot. And stuff.

    Ugh, seriously? What is it with background characters in YA novels that go completely gaga as soon as they have a hot guy in their class? There were plenty of good-looking guys and girls in my high school, yet NO ONE would’ve behaved like this. Know why? Because it’s unrealistic and based on a movie-esque stereotype. Yuck.

    Oh yeah, other new character: Miles. Gay guy. Baby face.

    Silly Potatoman, there aren’t any other gay people in the world of YA! If you’re rugged, sporty, muscular, manly and gay… you’re just a picture in a baby faced, twinky, jazz-handed gay teen’s room.

    “Wuthering Heights.”

    Bella, Ever. Ever, Bella.

    “Well thank you for that,” she mumbles, breaking her vanilla cupcake in half. “The last thing I need is competition from the blond goddess.”

    Blond is the masculine form: ‘blonde’, with an ‘e’ at the end, is feminine. So Haven just called Ever a fair-haired, hermaphroditic deity that is currently manifesting as a female.

    Damen’s description goes here

    This reminds me more of a drag queen than a teenage boy.

    It is humanlike in apperance but not in the true nature, as Stalker Kind feasts on human flesh.

    I would propose that the Stalker Kind is of German origin and prays on children under the age of 12, can be found hanging out near cold, wet and dark places not too far from children since they burn very easily in the sun and to them, children’s laughter is like a ham shouting “Eat me!” to a lion.

  8. Rachel on 25 December 2013, 21:38 said:

    Wuthering Heights

    You know the funniest part about YA PNR heroines being obsessed with that book? Most of the people I know who read it and understood it HATED Wuthering Heights. I despised almost every single character in that book, and found the “romance” to be more depressing than beautifully tragic. I do know some people who adore that book, but it seems unlikely that so many PNR heroines who are too dumb to tie their own shoelaces would willingly pick up Wuthering Heights, let alone love it.

  9. Brendan Rizzo on 26 December 2013, 09:44 said:

    Okay, there is just one thing I don’t understand. What is the point of the main character being able to see people’s auras, anyway? I’m sure that this will serve no purpose except as a plot device to “show” how her love interest is so speshul and her twu wuv, and then be completely ignored in situations where her possession of the power would be important.

  10. The Smith of Lie on 26 December 2013, 11:58 said:

    You know the funniest part about YA PNR heroines being obsessed with that book? Most of the people I know who read it and understood it HATED Wuthering Heights. I despised almost every single character in that book, and found the “romance” to be more depressing than beautifully tragic. I do know some people who adore that book, but it seems unlikely that so many PNR heroines who are too dumb to tie their own shoelaces would willingly pick up Wuthering Heights, let alone love it.

    Maybe they meant semaphore version of it?

  11. Potatoman on 26 December 2013, 14:27 said:

    but it seems unlikely that so many PNR heroines who are too dumb to tie their own shoelaces would willingly pick up Wuthering Heights, let alone love it.

    It’s just to make them sound smarter and superior when compared to regular mortals. It also pisses me off when an author like Noël actually believes this, along with their fans that don’t know any better.

  12. Potatoman on 26 December 2013, 14:29 said:

    What is the point of the main character being able to see people’s auras, anyway? I’m sure that this will serve no purpose except as a plot device to “show” how her love interest is so speshul and her twu wuv, and then be completely ignored in situations where her possession of the power would be important.

    Of course. This could have been so interesting.

    Generic YA Paranormal Romance Author: But why write interesting things when there’s hot guys to be written about?

  13. Resistance on 1 January 2014, 14:58 said:

    Anywhere below the waist is not meant for cognitive function.

    I would say that anywhere below the chin is not meant for cognitive function, but then I would be forgetting about Zoey Redbird’s stomach’s jumps of insight.

    Long story short, Damen asks for Ever’s copy of Wuthering Heights

    Why does reading classics automatically make you smart in these books? I know plenty of people who read classics just to seem smart, or because it’s part of required curriculum. If the author wants to make the characters smart, why can’t they read another sort of smart book, like one by Stephen Hawking or something. That’d be far more interesting, since the “reads classics” thing is so trope-y now. And I have a few friends that absolutely love classics, but they don’t carry around copies of them. Or talk about them non-stop. Hell, one of my friends that loves classics enjoyed Twilight. That’d be far more interesting, since the “reads classics” thing is so trope-y now.

    Undeniably beautiful?

    Does he have some sort of mind-control thing with humans, that when they start talking about how he’s ugly because he’s a sociopath their words get jumbled and they can’t speak?

    This book is killing me and I’m reading the snark-filled version.

  14. Potatoman on 1 January 2014, 15:00 said:

    This book is killing me and I’m reading the snark-filled version.

    I’m sorry! :( I’ll try and make the sporking even funnier so it doesn’t hurt people.

  15. Resistance on 1 January 2014, 15:13 said:

    I’ll try and make the sporking even funnier so it doesn’t hurt people.

    Oh, no! It’s hilarious! I was saying that even with all the snark and laughs the book is horrendous.

  16. BaconMushroomMelt on 3 January 2014, 03:42 said:

    This is my first comment here after being a lurker for a while. I used the “look inside” feature on Amazon to read the first few pages of this book, and let me say that Potatoman isn’t exaggerating at all when it comes to the scene breaks. The author seems to believe a wider than normal paragraph break is enough for the reader to tell a scene is over, with literally no effort at all put into any sort of transition. It doesn’t help that exposition comes first before any description of the surroundings, sometimes a few whole paragraphs into the scene break. I know writing can be bad sometimes, but it takes a special kind of stupid to write like this.

    I also find it strange he never made mention of the blatant Twilight rip-off covers. The two series are seriously impossible to tell apart from a distance. The fact the book that comes after this is called Blue Moon doesn’t help either.

  17. Potatoman on 3 January 2014, 03:45 said:

    The two series are seriously impossible to tell apart from a distance. The fact the book that comes after this is called Blue Moon doesn’t help either.

    Yeah, but there are many covers in YA Paranormal Romance that are similar to this faux moody theme and the thought never crossed my mind actually :P

  18. The Smith of Lie on 3 January 2014, 15:04 said:

    I just learned about the fact that the supernatural beings du jour are Immortals. And decided that this book could have been instantly made awesome if around the halfway Kurgan shows up and starts going about murdering the protagonist and doing all the things he usually does…

  19. Apep on 3 January 2014, 15:13 said:

    The addition of a sword wielding Clancy Brown would certainly spice things up a bit.

  20. stamp4hire on 28 March 2014, 21:05 said:

    I’m 238% sure that all YA paramore romances are written begging to become movies.

  21. Juracan on 31 March 2014, 10:32 said:

    The addition of a sword wielding Clancy Brown would certainly spice things up a bit.

    Just Clancy Brown period. Though yes, sword-wielding would be preferred.