Well, here we go again.

We begin the chapter with Ever choosing a sweatshirt to wear. You’d think she’d wear something else considering she has other stuff, but no. We have got to remember that she’s the traumatised speshul heroine that’s all delicate and moody and broody and totally not attractive.

I literally have no idea what the fuck happened in the last chapter, nor do I care. It was long-winded, it made no sense, I didn’t care about anything Noël said, the characters somehow became out-of-character (how does that even work? It’s her own novel!) and we didn’t really learn anything except for the fact that Damen is perfect in every concievable aspect of the word.

Fuck my life.

“I’m not wearing makeup,” I say, cringing as my voice nears a shout.

Good heavens no, we can’t have that now, can we? We can’t really expect her to actually try and… care about the way she looks! That’s ridiculous! We all know that the Sue won’t put makeup on, she won’t really wear anything but jeans and a raggedy sweatshirt and the whole world will still fall on its ass after taking one look at her. I know, I know, I’ve seen all this shit before.

It’s not surprising. These characters, the ones that appear in a lot of similar YA novels, seem to have been cloned. Or at least made from a mold so that they’re all the same. Maybe it’s the first-person narration.

Wondering if he liked you back, and bippidy-blah blah.

Are we going to get a bunch of chapters of Ever wangsting about how she’s hideous and that Damen will never ‘lurve’ her? But then she realizes that he does, and then he realizes that he does, which ends up with both of them spouting a whole bunch of bullshit about their supposed affection for each other, leaving me still attempting to find a single fuck to give. This is harder than it looks!

That last part of the sentence was a pure WTF moment as well.

an image of Damen flashes before me, looking so gorgeous, so sexy, so smoldering, so palpable,

She’s forgotten her meds again. NURSE WE NEED TO UP THE DOSAGE ON THIS ONE

But when I see Damen talking to Stacia, I add paranoid to the already long list.

If you’re as shitty as you keep telling us you are, you might as well give up now since there’s no fucking way he’s going to end up with you. That is, if this book was actually written well. We all know it’s not.

“Um, excuse me,” I say; blocked by Damen’s gloriously long legs, which are taking the place of her usual booby trap.

Something tells me I need coffee. Or a vacation.

Okay, so Damen’s at Stacia’s desk and then gives her a flower. Ever’s pissed. Damen’s a dick. HA! You didn’t think I’d see this coming, did you Noël?! Well I did!

“What the Jug?” Haven says,

“What the fuck?” I said, unable to believe this actually got through editing.

Miles shakes his head and gazes at Damen, watching him wow the A-list with his natural charm, magic pen, and stupid fugging rosebuds.

Why do you have to gaze? That’s it, I diagnose everybody in this book with an eye disorder. Stupid fugging book.

I don’t want to do this anymore. But I will, since it’s fun in a horrible, creepy way.

Because the truth is, that’s just Damen. He’s a player. And he does this all the time.

Why did it take you so long to figure this out?

I gaze across the lunch tables, just in time to see Damen compile an entire bouquet of white rosebuds from Stacia’s ear, sleeve, cleavage, and purse.

I dislike this sentence. Plus, he reaches into her cleavage? Goddamn. Oh, Ever thought that she was special? Haha nope. Glad she got shot down like this, but I hate the fact that she’ll end up with this dick anyway. She’s moody now, but you just wait.

So, let me just cut this short again, since Noël is unable to write a concise scene. It must always be drawn out pointlessly and accomplish nothing at the end. A pretty stupid way to write, if you ask me.

We learn that Ever is pissed about Damen messing around with Stacia (made evident by her internal monologue). She wants to get out of art, but goes anyway since:
it’s the right thing to do.

Okay then. She gets there and sees a note with ‘Stacia’ scrawled on it stuck on an easel, then gets all moody and throws her paintbrush onto the ground. Once art class finishes, she leaves and then checks the note again but now it says
‘Ever’. She opens it up and then sees that it’s a drawing of a tulip.

There. Was it that hard to write it concisely without all unnecessary adornments? No, it wasn’t.

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Comment

  1. Scarlet Specter on 20 July 2014, 14:00 said:

    This book seriously needs a gaze count. Heck there should be a compilation of every hackneyed use of the word gaze in these YA books. Because words like look, glance, glimpse, peer, eye, or stare probably aren’t flowery enough to cut it.

    Also, I’m officially declaring this book a script for an afterschool special, not a paranormal novel. Obviously it’s too much to ask to see supernatural stuff in a book about a psychic.

  2. Epke on 20 July 2014, 14:34 said:

    an image of Damen flashes before me, looking so gorgeous, so sexy, so smoldering, so palpable,

    So… a newly cooked piece of steak shaped like a person?

    “Um, excuse me,” I say; blocked by Damen’s gloriously long legs, which are taking the place of her usual booby trap.

    Wait, Potatoman, walk me through this one: is Ever staring at Damen’s long legs (which are gloriously long, so I assume that in Ever’s culture, extremely long legs are desirable?) as opposed to Stacia’s boobs, which she’d usually stare at? Or are Damen’s legs blocking the view of Stacia’s rack, meaning Stacia is either sitting very low or Damen really does have gloriously long legs?

  3. Resistance on 20 July 2014, 17:08 said:

    “I’m not wearing makeup,” I say, cringing as my voice nears a shout.

    Is she talking to herself, or am I missing something?

    Plus, he reaches into her cleavage?

    I’m getting a bad feeling about this guy.

  4. The Smith of Lie on 20 July 2014, 17:57 said:

    Is she talking to herself, or am I missing something?

    Well, she could be talking to the ghost of her dead sister. Who by the way, would have been much cooler character if she pestered Ever demanding to be avenged. She could demand that ever kills Claudius and set in motion a series of tragic events that would lead to tragic deaths of all invovled…

    But when I see Damen talking to Stacia, I add paranoid to the already long list.

    You. Are. A. Freaking. Telepath. Short of power to kill a yak from two hundred yards away with mind bullets, there’s little cooler than that. You don’t need to be afraid that someone is secretly trying to get you, just squeeze their mind like sponge and learn everything there is to know. Problem solved.

    And yes, Damen can avoid that. But you can mind rape Stacie and see if he is being serious about her from that perspective. And than you can use the intimate knowledge of her deepest fears and shames to destroy her.

    Miles shakes his head and gazes at Damen, watching him wow the A-list with his natural charm, magic pen, and stupid fugging rosebuds.

    This is accidentaly awesome. Because the “magic pen” makes me think of certain magic trick. Admit, that Damen doing this to… Actually to any of the characters, himself included, would make this book about 20% cooler.

  5. Scarlet Specter on 20 July 2014, 21:07 said:

    You. Are. A. Freaking. Telepath. Short of power to kill a yak from two hundred yards away with mind bullets, there’s little cooler than that. You don’t need to be afraid that someone is secretly trying to get you, just squeeze their mind like sponge and learn everything there is to know. Problem solved. →

    Oh, but that would mean she wouldn’t have an excuse to angst and feel insecure about whether she’ll end up with Damen or not. Otherwise a good 80% of the book’s conflict would be lost. How else can two characters express twu luv outside constant angst, jealousy, and misgivings?

    Also you should know by now that it isn’t a heroine’s place to take advantage of her powers. That’s only for dudes or the archetypal evil sorceress/witch type characters. “Good girl” characters (read: a blank-slate audience surrogate) should only fear and reject their powers before the right man sweeps them off their feet.

    Trust me, I read too much enough paranormal romance novels to know.

  6. Potatoman on 20 July 2014, 21:23 said:

    s Ever staring at Damen’s long legs (which are gloriously long, so I assume that in Ever’s culture, extremely long legs are desirable?) as opposed to Stacia’s boobs, which she’d usually stare at? Or are Damen’s legs blocking the view of Stacia’s rack, meaning Stacia is either sitting very low or Damen really does have gloriously long legs?

    I think by booby trap she means Stacia’s bag, which would usually be next to her desk to trip Ever as she walks to her own desk. But judging by the quality of this book so far and the amount of fail it contains, your ideas are equally plausible.

    Is she talking to herself, or am I missing something?

    Talking to herself here.

    I’m getting a bad feeling about this guy.

    Hahaha just you wait. :’(

    This book seriously needs a gaze count.

    I will add this in as soon as I can. Thanks for the suggestion! :D

  7. The Smith of Lie on 21 July 2014, 00:33 said:

    Also you should know by now that it isn’t a heroine’s place to take advantage of her powers. That’s only for dudes or the archetypal evil sorceress/witch type characters. “Good girl” characters (read: a blank-slate audience surrogate) should only fear and reject their powers before the right man sweeps them off their feet.

    Trust me, I read too much enough paranormal romance novels to know.

    And people say that Jim Butcher is sexist for the way he writes his female characters… Facepalm

    But yes, I am aware that Ever is a stump of a character without an inch of a backbone needed to use her powers. It still irks me.

  8. Resistance on 21 July 2014, 00:39 said:

    Talking to herself here.

    So she’s screaming to herself about how she’s not wearing any makeup? That’s . . . weird.

  9. Potatoman on 21 July 2014, 00:55 said:

    That’s . . . weird.

    The whole book is weird. That’s what makes sporking it so much fun though! :D

  10. BlackStar on 21 July 2014, 01:45 said:

    is Ever staring at Damen’s long legs (which are gloriously long, so I assume that in Ever’s culture, extremely long legs are desirable?) as opposed to Stacia’s boobs, which she’d usually stare at? Or are Damen’s legs blocking the view of Stacia’s rack, meaning Stacia is either sitting very low or Damen really does have gloriously long legs?

    I laughed so hard at this imagery, thank you.

    In all seriousness, I just can’t understand why Ever is angsting so pathetically over Damen’s flirting. She isn’t even dating him or anything as of now, if I’m remembering correctly. Granted, it’s understandable that she might feel a bit jealous of his attentions towards others, but she’s throwing stuff in her art class because of it? That’s ridiculous. She doesn’t own him. She barely even knows him!

  11. BaconMushroomMelt on 25 July 2014, 21:43 said:

    When was the last time her powers were even mentioned? Seems like the author totally forgot about about them. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think they were added just for the sake of having the Paranormal part in Paranormal Romance.