Hello everybody, and welcome to my sporking of Alyson Noël’s bestselling novel, Evermore. As far as I know, this book is the first in a series called The Immortals, which sounds pretty decent as far as urban fantasy goes. This is a YA novel though, and I’ve had bad experiences with YA prior to reading this book. So please excuse me if I rage a little. This is only going to be a spork of the excerpt since I am currently not in the possession of the actual novel yet (thank God for small miracles), but from the reviews I’ve read on Amazon and from what you guys have told me… this is not going to be pretty. Vapid romance, flat characters, teenage angst; the list goes on. The biggest offender for me in YA novels is the tone; they just sound so whiny and full of themselves and don’t give a shit about other people except for the shiny Love Interest. It makes for a boring read. Also, most of these books are written in a very annoying first-person viewpoint. There are very rare cases when it’s done well. Most YA novels are not.

I haven’t read this book before, and I’m putting my thoughts down on the paper while reading the excerpt. My rage will be freshly captured, so to speak. If it’s really as bad as everybody says it is, my holiday just got a hell of a lot more fun. Everybody ready? Hold on to your hats, ‘cause here we go!

***

The description from Amazon.com is fairly straightforward:

Don’t miss the first book in Alyson Noël’s #1 New York Times bestselling The Immortals series. Enter an enchanting new world where true love never dies…

I’m always wary when people say ‘true love’ nowadays. Especially with regards to YA paranormal romance novels. If there’s one phrase that teenagers should NEVER attempt to say and mean it at the same time, it’s ‘true love’. Unless you have common sense, of course. Then again, I’ve never been in love with either a human or a humanoid fictional creature, so don’t take my word for it.

After a horrible accident claimed the lives of her family, sixteen-year-old Ever Bloom can see people’s auras, hear their thoughts, and know someone’s entire life story by touching them. Going out of her way to avoid human contact and suppress her abilities, she has been branded a freak at her new high school—but everything changes when she meets Damen Auguste.

So her family died in a horrible accident and she gains psychic powers. Sweet. She dislikes human contact (she’ll do a complete 180 once the Love Interest shows up) and is called a freak at school. Even better. Good to know she isn’t fawned over by everybody in school like they did to Bella Swan.

Damen is gorgeous, exotic and wealthy. He’s the only one who can silence the noise and random energy in her head—wielding a magic so intense, it’s as though he can peer straight into her soul.

See, now that’s the thing. Here’s a laundry list of everything you should have in a YA male Love Interest. Make sure he’s SUPERULTRAMEGA handsome, wealthy (you can’t fall in love with a poor man, now can you?) and exotic. I really don’t know what the fuck exotic means in this context. Is he fair? Tanned? Amazonian? From Mars? Heaven help us, is he sparkly? Clarify the statement! Too many authors tell me that their characters are exotic without really proving it. To me, Damen’s just another shiny white guy in a badly written Twilight knock-off. Plus, he’s super-speshul since he’s the only one that can fix the heroine’s problems. facepalm Why don’t you fix your own goddamn problems instead of lying around the book like a doormat, Ever Bloom?!

As Ever is drawn deeper into his enticing world of secrets and mystery, she’s left with more questions than answers. And she has no idea just who he really is—or what he is. The only thing she knows to be true is that she’s falling deeply and helplessly in love with him.

Oh come on! For goodness’ sake, you’re only sixteen! You have no idea what love means right now! It’s just hormones, they’ll wear off eventually (not in these novels, though). This is another example of what I really hate. These girls are just there to be paired with some ridiculously good-looking guy and bam. That’s it. End of story. What I’m expecting here is for the plot to drunkenly stumble in within the last 40-50 pages or so and messily wrap everything up through infodumps or dialogue (monologuing might be more plausible, actually).

But enough about that. Let’s get going.

***

Before the actual novel begins, we’re presented with an ‘Aura Color Chart’. I don’t know what the hell this is supposed to mean, but it’s probably going to be mentioned in the story sometime. We have a bunch of colors, and what sound like personality descriptions next to them. I’ll show you a few.

Orange: Self-control, ambition, courage, thoughtfulness, lack of will, apathetic.
Yellow: Optimistic, happy, intellectual, friendly, indecisive, easily led
Green: Peaceful, healing, compassion, deceitfulness, jealous
Blue: Spiritual, loyal, creative, sensitive, kind, moody
Violet: Highly spiritual, wisdom, intuition.

Now you see the kind of schtick I’m working with here. It’s all pretty standard really, everything you’d expect a color’s connotation to be. But there is a contradicting pair of descriptions in one color… can you spot them?

Anyway, after the color chart comes the actual chapter. This is not going to be fun.

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Comment

  1. Resistance on 5 December 2013, 19:37 said:

    If there’s one phrase that teenagers should NEVER attempt to say and mean it at the same time, it’s ‘true love’.

    I that is now my go-to phrase.

    I really don’t know what the fuck exotic means in this context. Is he fair? Tanned? Amazonian? From Mars? Heaven help us, is he sparkly?

    Maybe he’s from Pluto.

    What I’m expecting here is for the plot to drunkenly stumble in within the last 40-50 pages or so and messily wrap everything up through infodumps or dialogue (monologuing might be more plausible, actually).

    What I’m expecting here is that you will be right.

    Orange: Self-control, ambition, courage, thoughtfulness, lack of will, apathetic.

    I love how orange means both “ambition” and “lack of will”.

    So glad to see this sporking up on the main site (I finally be able to catch up with it!). Happy sporking!

  2. Asahel on 5 December 2013, 20:19 said:

    But there is a contradicting pair of descriptions in one color… can you spot them?

    Well, Resistance already pointed out that “ambition” doesn’t really fit with “lack of will,” but there’s others that don’t seem good matches, too. For example, why is “intellectual” matched with “easily led?” And, “compassion” doesn’t really play well with “deceitfulness.”

    Also, are people supposed to have a single color aura? I’m just wondering because “intellectual” is matched with “friendly,” but I know plenty of intellectuals that are downright mean…

  3. Resistance on 5 December 2013, 20:42 said:

    Also, are people supposed to have a single color aura?

    Maybe they have that color aura when they’re that specific feeling – if you’re jealous, then your aura is green? That doesn’t really work well either. Most people aren’t one emotion all the time. With approximately 70,000 thoughts a day for humans, I’d expect people’s auras to be a muddy brown.

    And if auras represent emotions, and Damen is said not to have an aura, is that saying he’s a sociopath? Is this some sort of subtle foreshadowing from Noël?

    If they do have a single color aura it seems to be a cheap way to characterize people rather than anything else. “Her aura was green, so I knew she was an evil, jealous bitch. And sometimes compassionate. And peaceful. And caring. But only a pinch!”

  4. Apep on 5 December 2013, 22:01 said:

    I love how orange means both “ambition” and “lack of will”.

    I’m more confused by the fact that “ambition” and “apathy” share the same color.

    And odd-one-out is violet – all the others have positive and negative associations except for that one. Not surprising, really.

    And if auras represent emotions, and Damen is said not to have an aura, is that saying he’s a sociopath?

    Now that would be a twist.

    If they do have a single color aura it seems to be a cheap way to characterize people rather than anything else.

    That does not surprise me at all.

  5. The Smith of Lie on 6 December 2013, 03:29 said:

    After a horrible accident claimed the lives of her family, sixteen-year-old Ever Bloom can see people’s auras, hear their thoughts, and know someone’s entire life story by touching them. Going out of her way to avoid human contact and suppress her abilities, she has been branded a freak at her new high school—but everything changes when she meets Damen Auguste.

    (How do I put quotes in such nice blocks? Textile help does not say!)

    Maybe that’s just ol’ cynical me but if I had power to accurately gage other’s emotions, read their thoughts and learn their life story I wouldn’t be isolating myself. I’d be abusing the hell of my newfound godlike powers. Blackmail? International Poker Championship? Stealing bank accounts? Industrial espionage? So many options!

    But I guess that not being a teenage (anymore) girl (ever) might make me bised.

  6. Potatoman on 6 December 2013, 09:50 said:

    I love how orange means both “ambition” and “lack of will”.

    Me too! It’s just so wonderfully stupid.

    Also, are people supposed to have a single color aura? I’m just wondering because “intellectual” is matched with “friendly,” but I know plenty of intellectuals that are downright mean…

    Seriously, right? Like Resistance said, it’s taking the easy way out with regards to characterization.

    Maybe that’s just ol’ cynical me but if I had power to accurately gage other’s emotions, read their thoughts and learn their life story I wouldn’t be isolating myself.

    Mwahahahaha… you’ve given me some faaaaaabulously evil ideas… or maybe they’re just Impish. With me, it’s hard to tell. Also, if you want to put text in blocks, just write bq. and then they’ll be there.

  7. swenson on 6 December 2013, 10:01 said:

    @The Smith of Lie – Use this:

    bq. text to quote

    Which gives you

    text to quote

    Be sure to leave a space between the period and the quoted text, though.

  8. Epke on 6 December 2013, 10:57 said:

    sixteen-year-old Ever Bloom

    wat

    No, seriously, what kind of name is that?

    At first I thought this was Lisa Hendrix’ Immortal Brotherhood series, but obviously not. This is… the blurb makes me sad.

  9. Yog-Sothoth on 6 December 2013, 11:05 said:

    I think she got the colors right tho.

    Green – Willpower
    Yellow – Fear
    Orange – Avarice
    Violet – Love
    Indigo – Compassion
    Blue – Hope

    Seriously people, get your mood rings right.

  10. Apep on 6 December 2013, 12:00 said:

    Dude, those are power rings, not mood rings. Your error brings much shame to the Lurker at the Threshold.

  11. Rachel on 6 December 2013, 13:51 said:

    Wait—there’s only ONE pair of contradictions?

    Orange: Self-control, ambition, courage, thoughtfulness, lack of will, apathetic.

    You need willpower to have self-control, and you can’t be ambitious and apathetic at the same time.

    Green: Peaceful, healing, compassion, deceitfulness, jealous

    If you’re jealous of someone, you’re not at peace with them or with yourself.

    Violet: Highly spiritual, wisdom, intuition.

    Wisdom is just applying the knowledge you have to situations in a smart way (e.g., if you know it’s going to be below-freezing temperatures at night for the next week, wisdom would be going out and buying one of those engine block heaters, even though it sets you back $50 or so, because you know it will save you money in the long run). Intuition is a made-up personality trait for YA heroines who immediately “know” their TWU WUV is TEH ONE, GUISE.

  12. Potatoman on 6 December 2013, 14:20 said:

    Intuition is a made-up personality trait for YA heroines who immediately “know” their TWU WUV is TEH ONE, GUISE.

    Mind you, there’s also a need to insert an incredibly pointless love triangle into the whole thing. If the main hero is as superawesomespecial as the author says he is, there’s no reason for the heroine to be taken with anybody else.

  13. Rachel on 6 December 2013, 15:26 said:

    Mind you, there’s also a need to insert an incredibly pointless love triangle into the whole thing. If the main hero is as superawesomespecial as the author says he is, there’s no reason for the heroine to be taken with anybody else.

    In other words, an intuitive person would be one who blindly accepts the author’s vision of a perfect man and follows it wholeheartedly. So “intuitive” would mean “personality-free plot puppet.”

  14. Master Chief on 6 December 2013, 22:50 said:

    what is this shit?

  15. Potatoman on 7 December 2013, 00:34 said:

    So “intuitive” would mean “personality-free plot puppet.”

    Exactly.

  16. Dashery on 7 December 2013, 11:24 said:

    For example, why is “intellectual” matched with “easily led?” text to quote

    Well, I think the fact that yellow can be “easily led” is related to their “indecisiveness”. If you can’t decide what to do, it’s easy to let another person steer you around.

  17. Juracan on 7 December 2013, 16:13 said:

    Oh dear. It looks like you may have picked up a doozie this time.

    After a horrible accident claimed the lives of her family, sixteen-year-old Ever Bloom can see people’s auras, hear their thoughts, and know someone’s entire life story by touching them. Going out of her way to avoid human contact and suppress her abilities, she has been branded a freak at her new high school

    That actually sounds like an interesting idea. Of course she’d have a different outlook on the world having the ability to be psychic and the strain of all that personal information going into her noggin could drive her nuts. It’d be like a really cool examination of how people think of themselves and their interactions—

    —but everything changes when she meets Damen Auguste.

    …or we could have every other YA fantasy ever.

    Damen is gorgeous, exotic and wealthy. He’s the only one who can silence the noise and random energy in her head—wielding a magic so intense, it’s as though he can peer straight into her soul.

    Ave Maria, can there be a YA love interest who’s a working-class, ordinary-looking, completely normal guy? I’m going to hurt something.

  18. Pryotra on 7 December 2013, 22:18 said:

    Oh dear. It looks like you may have picked up a doozie this time.

    Trust me. It. IS. I’ve been planning to review this lovely for a while now. It’s worse than it sounds.

    can there be a YA love interest who’s a working-class, ordinary-looking, completely normal guy? I’m going to hurt something.

    Go read the Grisha trilogy. It’s the only YA Paranormal Romance that I would tentatively recommend.

  19. go.a on 7 December 2013, 23:45 said:

    Seriously, right? Like Resistance said, it’s taking the easy way out with regards to characterization.

    Maybe it’s supposed to be like a spectrum, with one side emphasizing “good” qualities and the opposite are the negative antonym qualities. Well, not violet which is clearly the Sue color-$10 says the LI and the MC are both gonna be speshul little violet based snowflakes.

  20. Brendan Rizzo on 9 December 2013, 15:44 said:

    Though I don’t think that you should be sporking something that you haven’t read yet, I’m gonna have to agree with everyone else that this book look terrible. Whenever I see auras being used as a plot device, I automatically tune out because it’s just some wishy-washy New Age nonsense.

  21. Potatoman on 9 December 2013, 23:37 said:

    @Brendan Rizzo – Haha don’t worry, I wrote this ages and ages ago and I’ve read the book already :P I’ve only just bothered to send it to the site for publication.

    wishy-washy New Age nonsense.

    This made me lol.

  22. Brendan Rizzo on 10 December 2013, 11:58 said:

    Haha don’t worry, I wrote this ages and ages ago and I’ve read the book already :P I’ve only just bothered to send it to the site for publication.

    That’s good to hear.

  23. Royal_Terror on 11 December 2013, 01:22 said:

    Yep, I’ll be reading this series (Assuming you pay the publishers for this literary abomination, that is).

    I have one concern though:

    Oh come on! For goodness’ sake, you’re only sixteen! You have no idea what love means right now! It’s just hormones, they’ll wear off eventually

    As someone probably included in that age range, I take offense at this. I haven’t ever had a relationship, but you seem to be insinuating that “teenagers” are incapable of experiencing certain emotions, and are mentally inferior to “adults.” This is an ageist approach to adolescency, and is insulting towards many of the readers on this site.

  24. Potatoman on 11 December 2013, 01:28 said:

    This is an ageist approach to adolescency, and is insulting towards many of the readers on this site.

    I’m a sixteen year old myself. I didn’t mean to offend, and I apologize. I was mainly referencing the lack of life experience that teenagers have when compared to adults, and what relationships entail when seen through the eyes of people of different ages. I certainly don’t think teenagers are mentally inferior to adults, that view belongs to the people who think YA lit is dumbed down adult literature written so teens can understand it. But I’m sorry for offending you.

  25. Royal_Terror on 11 December 2013, 01:53 said:

    I’m a sixteen year old myself. I didn’t mean to offend, and I apologize. I was mainly referencing the lack of life experience that teenagers have when compared to adults, and what relationships entail when seen through the eyes of people of different ages. I certainly don’t think teenagers are mentally inferior to adults, that view belongs to the people who think YA lit is dumbed down adult literature written so teens can understand it. But I’m sorry for offending you.

    …Well, this is embarasssing.

    Haha, it’s fine. I apologize for assuming you were…well, not 16. And for reading more into your post than what you meant.

    I’ve gotten a little defensive whenever I read or hear opinions that “teenagers” are stupid. I’ve been researching the origin of the laws that people became adults at 18-21 (in Western countries, anyway). It’s a bit too complicated to fit into this post, but traditionally people became adults at 12-15 for most of recorded human history. I’m writing a paper on the subject; it’s quite interesting.
  26. Potatoman on 11 December 2013, 01:59 said:

    I apologize for assuming you were…well, not 16. And for reading more into your post than what you meant.

    No worries :)

    I’ve gotten a little defensive whenever I read or hear opinions that “teenagers” are stupid. I’ve been researching the origin of the laws that people became adults at 18-21 (in Western countries, anyway). It’s a bit too complicated to fit into this post, but traditionally people became adults at 12-15 for most of recorded human history. I’m writing a paper on the subject; it’s quite interesting.

    It does sound prettty interesting. Good luck with it! I was actually going to say that a lot of YA novels seem to confuse lust with love, which is why I talked about hormones. They endlessly describe their characters’ physical attributes, leaving little to no concrete reason for sensible attraction. But we’re teenagers, I guess we’re wired that way, huh? :p It would be more helpful if some books were written with a little more tactfulness.

  27. Rachel on 11 December 2013, 02:07 said:

    As someone probably included in that age range, I take offense at this. I haven’t ever had a relationship, but you seem to be insinuating that “teenagers” are incapable of experiencing certain emotions, and are mentally inferior to “adults.” This is an ageist approach to adolescency, and is insulting towards many of the readers on this site.

    Teens aren’t incapable of feeling anything—if anything, I’d say they feel things more strongly than most adults do. I had a lot of strong feelings on a lot of things when I was a teen. Heck, I even thought I was in love once or twice. But over time—even after just a year or two—I realized that feelings can lie, and just because you feel something doesn’t make it true.

    And that’s the problem with YA teen romances. They’re not stories of two passionate people coming together and maybe staying, maybe drifting, maybe realizing they’re not right for each other and moving on. They’re stories of passionate people who lock eyes once and decide they’re destined to spend eternity together—and the author agrees, so that’s what they do. They don’t have the life experience to know whether or not they’re right for each other—they’re right for each other because the author says so.

    When I was a teen, some of the best advice I got was, “‘Feelings’ are the F-word.” YA PNR hasn’t gotten that memo yet. Those authors are still preaching that your feelings should rule the day, and that whatever you feel is what’s true and right. Publishers keep cranking out this stuff because they think teens will gobble it up, that they’re too ruled by their feelings to see the cliched story lines and cardboard characters. Honestly, I think that’s MORE ageist than saying “It’s just hormones! It’ll wear off in a year or two!”

    Because, really? It’s true. I felt things so strongly when I was a teen, and now that I’m an adult, I laugh at my teen self. I was passionate. I was intelligent. I was blinded by emotion. I could be a real idiot every waking moment quite often sometimes. When you’re an adult, those blinders come off.

  28. Tim on 11 December 2013, 06:08 said:

    This is an ageist approach to adolescency

    You damn kids get off my lawn.

  29. Epke on 12 December 2013, 16:02 said:

    Rap music everywhere! <waves a cane around>

    Actually, to be fair, there has been research about this. The centre for logical thoughts in the brain isn’t finished until your early twenties (NOT 14-16 as previously thought) which is why many teenagers are, shall we say, impossible? I think there’s some about sociopaths and teens as well (don’t quote me on that), but I’d need to dig a lot for that one.

  30. Tim on 12 December 2013, 20:24 said:

    Yeah, the other thing being that “considered an adult” for girls would mean most girls of sixteen would be married to the son of one of their dad’s friends and pregnant with their second child if the first hadn’t killed them, while most boys would have had to to some stupid test of manhood that had a high chance of scarring them for life or killing them just because their grandfather would be damned if he’d let the youth of today get away without doing that too.

    Not, you know, that mom and dad wouldn’t be able to tell you to stay in and do your homework.

  31. Cristina on 17 December 2013, 05:12 said:

    I have actually read this atrocity, and let me tell you, it is so much worse than any YA novel I ever read before. It is ripe with awkward grammar, terrible subliminal messages (probably unintentional), unfortunate implications, lack of logic, lack of plot, flat characters (the author seems to believe that screechy, over-the-top behaviour is the same thing as personality) who have zero consistency, a completely pointless “villainess”, a mean girl stereotype, a gay person stereotype that is awfully offensive, a completely obvious “twist”, and just plain old silliness. It’s fucking ridiculous and horribly boring.

    And it does.not.make.any.fucking.sense. None at all.

    Brave soul to spork this mess, I salute you, Rohirrim-after-Helm’s-Deep-battle-style.

  32. Potatoman on 17 December 2013, 05:16 said:

    And it does.not.make.any.fucking.sense. None at all.

    Brave soul to spork this mess, I salute you, Rohirrim-after-Helm’s-Deep-battle-style.

    Seriously, right? I hate this book so much, it’s like the antithesis of all good literature. And thank you for reading and commenting! I hope you’re looking forward to the next instalment.

  33. Pryotra on 17 December 2013, 08:57 said:

    What about the two chapters of villain monologue, where the villain gloats about how she’s responsible for everything that happens in the book?

    That was deadly.