I’ve owned this book for quite some time – I purchased it off Amazon almost exactly three years ago – and since then it’s been sitting around in my “I should totally spork this” pile but for one reason or another I’ve never gotten around to it. My copy is autographed (unexpected) with the inscription “There is no rift between sorcery & technology” which does not make sense to me, but maybe it will make sense after I’ve read it?

It’s written by Kenneth Che-Tew Eng, a mentally unhinged racist who achieved some notoriety for his newspaper article “Why I Hate Blacks”, speaking out favorably about the Virginia Tech massacre, and finally being arrested and sentenced to a year of mental health treatment for threatening his neighbor in New York.

All of that makes him a pretty unlikeable guy but doesn’t really factor into my wanting to spork this book, because holy shit, have you seen the cover? Have you seen the title? It’s called Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate!


Circuits lined the preserved carcasses of countless dinosaurs. Like monuments of the past, the mechanized fossils surrounded an entire chamber of medieval architecture, still and cold and dead (page 9).

Probably worth pointing out that carcasses and fossils are not exactly the same thing.

We learn more about this room. It’s frigid. It hasn’t been touched in ages. Insert terrible joke here. But in the middle of the room there’s a floating glowing Mobius strip for reasons that I truly hope Eng will explain.

Space could be seen where the strip’s light met the stone, and every star of the cosmos twinkled like a watcher, a spectator of time (page 9).

How can we see outer space if we’re inside a stone room?

A female says that they need to get out of there. A male wonders about the sentry. They argue back and forth. Shades of thesaurus abuse, it’s been half a page and I’m getting Paolini vibes already. Using pretentious words does not make your writing better, Eng.

The two creatures of apparently different genders agree to head to the Pedorian forest, and we learn their names are Lyconel and Dradicus, although we don’t know which belongs to which. Some quick googling tells us that there are people using those handles to play League of Legends and World of Warcraft. Some part of me really hopes they are online handles for Eng himself. If, you know. He’s not in prison.

We cut forward. Trees are floating above the Everkin Forest. And the writing here…it’s impressive. I haven’t encountered this level of mastery of the English language since the Eye of Argon.

Upon the Mesozoic verdure, the sun cast its dawn light, giving life to the hovering woodland realm in the form pf photosynthetic vitality that sparkled betwixt the morning arbor (page 10).

I don’t even know what to fucking say to that.

Down below, though, a wingless dragon is hauling ass through the “placid shrubberies”, which would make a good name for a barbershop quartet. This is Lyconel. Two dragons are chasing her, tearing through everything in her path.

Rapidly, they were catching up, as quickly and menacingly as one’s own shadow (page 11).

Personally, I’ve never felt menaced by my own shadow, although to be fair, I’ve never had a problem with my shadow needing to catch up to me. We’re rather attached.

After a bit, Lyconel trips. She rolls over immediately and pulls out a spiked mace. She deflects a few blows and then takes off running again. After a bit she gets up to the top of a tree and looks toward a mountain chain with the stereotypical name of the Fangs of Astinor.

She ducks, just in time to avoid a rapier. I’m not sure how she noticed a skinny piece of metal about to hit her but not a huge fucking dragon flying towards her, but I haven’t done as much research into how sentient dragons might fight each other with swords and semi-automatic firearms as Eng has, so take my opinions with a grain of salt.

The other dragon slashes at her. Okay, maybe you should take my opinions with a slightly larger grain of salt than Eng’s. Rapiers are not slashing weapons. That is not how they are designed and not how they work. You thrust and you try and stick the pointy end in the other person.

She keeps running and they keep chasing. Things start exploding. Plasma shots are fired at her. Wait. If her pursuers have guns why haven’t they shot her ages okay instead of fooling around with mishandling rapiers? Okay, the bad guys – assuming they are bad guys – are officially idiots and will pose no threat in this book.

Suddenly she sees an entrance of a cave open up, and with minimal hesitation she dives inside and scurries underground.

The two pursuers stop outside. They don’t follow. A moment later there’s an explosion of flames made of darkness, which sounds scientifically impossible. A dragon emerges from the dark light. It’s called Drekkenoth, and it’s official: I fucking hate the names in this book.

“Is she annihilated?” inquired Drekkenoth (page 13).

Use “said”. And don’t use words like annihilated. Dragons don’t talk like that.

The wyvern, Arxinor, and his behemoth colleague, Gorgash, processed the question within their mechanical heads. Gears and circuits turned out in their brains (page 13).

Wait a second…are you telling me this book isn’t just about unexpectedly verbose dragons fighting each other with anachronistic weapons…the dragons are CYBORGS on top of all that?

They exposit to each other that the Key still exists and their next objective will be to reach the Archive sentries, identity Dennagon. I’m not sure why they’re expositing all of this since all three of them seem well aware of the facts they’re discussing, but it’s helpful.

“We must make certain that the Lexicon is demolished,” he declared. “In time, time shall be oursssss.” (page 14)

Got it. So three cyborg dragons are trying to destroy a dictionary so they can gain control of time. I’m on board.

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  1. Potatoman on 27 July 2014, 01:26 said:


    I’ve been looking forward to this for aaaaaaaaaages :D brings popcorn

  2. Juracan on 27 July 2014, 06:49 said:

    You know, until you mentioned stuff about the author, I was thinking, “Cyborg dragons? Why would you want to spork that? That sounds freaking awesome.” But given Eng’s background, and the quality of the writing so far, it looks like it could get pretentious. Which is something a story about cyborg dragons should never be.

  3. lilyWhite on 27 July 2014, 08:40 said:

    They exposit to each other that the Key still exists and their next objective will be to reach the Archive sentries, identity Dennagon.

    Hooray for Keys! I want to pretend that said Key also happens to be “Defender”.

    “In time, time shall be oursssss.”

    This sentence just sounds amazingly stupid, for both the “time, time” and “oursssss”.

  4. The Smith of Lie on 27 July 2014, 11:12 said:

    Ok, if I want any cyborg dragons I should stick to Shadowrun. Duly noted.

    Hooray for Keys! I want to pretend that said Key also happens to be “Defender”.

    That brings up an important point. Wasn’t Joey the one in possesion of the Key? Shouldn’t the 3 Stooges dragon cyborgs be joining forces with Appolyon and going after the Encouragers?

    And if Lyconel somehow has the Key (hopefully obtained by killing Joey and Maya) why didn’t she just incinerate them?

    Anyways, good to see you back in action Rorschach, your sporks are among my favorite here.

  5. lilyWhite on 27 July 2014, 11:17 said:

    All I know is that “cyborg dragon with swords and plasma weapons vs. sociopathic little kid with a death-beam lightsaber-thingy” would be awesome to see.

    Written by someone with talent, of course.

  6. Epke on 27 July 2014, 11:58 said:

    Upon the Mesozoic verdure, the sun cast its dawn light, giving life to the hovering woodland realm in the form pf photosynthetic vitality that sparkled betwixt the morning arbor (page 10).

    “In time, time shall be oursssss.” (page 14)

    With the whole world full of Time related threats/jokes/puns/whathaveyou, this is what he went with? It couldn’t have been “Soon, Time is no longer a factor” or “Time will be on our side”, leaving the objective of the villain(s) ambiguous and perhaps setting up for a grand reveal later (“ah, you thought we wanted the Lexicon to enslave dragons? Ah, foolish Lyconel… we are going to enslave Time.”)?

  7. The Smith of Lie on 27 July 2014, 12:56 said:

    All I know is that “cyborg dragon with swords and plasma weapons vs. sociopathic little kid with a death-beam lightsaber-thingy” would be awesome to see.

    This is a straight line I can’t ignore… Anyone here who knows me, knows what will happen now…

    Written by someone with talent, of course.
    If by “someone with talent” you mean “a total hack, without a skilled bone in his body” than I’m your man. If you don’t mean that, well it is to late to stop me anyway.

    The blood is on your hands lilyWhite. The blood is on your hands…

    „Welcome. It is very nice of you to show up.” Apollyon looked at the prospective members of Club of Evil. They were a strange bunch, part dragons and part machines. Of course commenting on that would be judgmental and gauche. “I’ve read your resumes and the work you’ve done so far is pretty impressive. But before we can hire you there are few questions I want to ask.” The one to answer was the leader of the trio, Drekkenoth. „Of course. Ask us anything you wish your highness.” “First, do you believe in teamwork?” All three nodded. “Great. And how do you feel about singing the Mother Earth Song?” “Oh, that was our favorite track from the Face of Evil Grimace.” Drakkenoth answered over Arxinor who started saying something about preferring Led Zeppelin, at least before Gorgash stepped on his foot. And so it was that Apollyon and three cyborg dragons broke into the song, singing their favorite chorus “Mother earth.., mother earth.., we bless you….we adore you…we give you thanks….you are our mother….you nurture us and you provide for us…. Mother earth.., mother earth.., we bless you…, we adore you…, and we give you thanks…”

    Arxinor wondered for hundredth time why was he doing this. After demolishing Lexicon, ripping the Dictionary, vandalizing the Thesaurus and defacing Merriam-Webster home page they seemed to have lost their purpose. Sure, working for the Club of Evil was nice – they had their aqua-park and unicorn cave (sadly, temporarily closed, pending the acquisition of new unicorns), but were they doing their purpose? And that weird musician, Al something or other, released the music video about “word crimes”. Surely they could be doing something about that instead of pursuing two teenagers? “At least they have a Key…”. And so it was that three cyborg dragons descended upon unsuspecting Encouragers.

    Joey and Maya were in the middle of their sixth picnic break this day. Of course their task of saving Princess Krimhilda was of utmost importance, but no one can reasonably expect even the Encouragers to fight tired and on empty stomach. Besides, they knew that food affects your mood, which totally justified the lavish meal they were having. At least until three draconic beings descended upon them from the sky. “Prepare to perish!” The voice of lead dragon cyborg was metallic. “Perish, perish, perish, perish…” Joey and Maya exchanged mildly surprised looks as their new assailant kept repeating how they will perish. He seemed stuck on the word, at least until on of his companions, a wyvern, hit him in the back of the head. “Ah yes, thank you Arxinor. I got stuck on “perish”. Perish… Perish… Perish… Perish…” With a roll of his mechanical eyes Arxinor hit him once again. And so it was that the battle was joined betwixt the Encouragers and Cyber Dragons of the Club of Evil.

    Ball of plasma hit Joey straight in the face. To the great disappointment of Gorgash it did not incinerate the teen on the spot. “Ha! I am protected from all harm. Well, sometimes. But now you will pay for your insolence, for I am King Joey!” Another ball of plasma hit him. Not having opened his mouth during the dip on lake of blood, the insides of Joey were instantly immolated. And so it was that Joey died in battle, as ingloriously as he lived.

    “No! Joey!” Even as she was grieving after her brother’s death Maya effortlessly parried the rapier slashes of Arxinor and Drakkenoth. She was a Warrior Queen of Maradonia after all. With strenght born from rage she hit a dragon cyberman with her blade. Unfortunately the hardness of steel forged with use of medieval technology was lower compared to the durability of futuristic cyber limbs. The sword broke. “Ha! I knew that loss of Essence to install those augmentations was worth it! Even if I have to regularly take Nauropozyne.” And so it was that battle came to stalemate between Maya and three cyberdragons.

    Suddenly the dragons were engulfed by the cloud of flame. It was Joey, alive and well, holding the Key of Underworld in his hands. In an instant Maya read his inner struggle from his face. He felt torn between need to use the terrible power he had at his disposal and the fear of breaking King Roach’s ban on supernatural weaponry. She admired how mature he was, only using the Key when her life was endangered. Or to burn a random forest. It was that restrain that was sign of true leader and a reader. And so it was that minions of darkness fled, overcame by Joey’s power.

    “How did you survive?” Joey smiled at his sister. “I was in Heaven. And the angels came to me, all wreathed in flame and smoke, beautiful and terrifying beyond all imagination. They considered taking me to the place of honor, some kind of lake. Of fire perhaps? But one of them, his name was something about light and bringing of thereof, said he does not want to see me there. Something about obnoxious brats and so forth, maybe he was afraid how lesser souls would react to my presence. And so it was, that I was sent back to Maradonia.” And so it was Encouragers continued their quest, after a picnic break of course. And so it was that three cyber dragons bid their time before striking again. And nothing was gained, nothing was learned and story went nowhere.

  8. BlackStar on 27 July 2014, 14:58 said:

    NOT ANOTHER PROLOGUE. WHY DO ALL THESE HORRIBLE BOOKS HAVE PROLOGUES. Really though, so far it’s reading like an incredibly bad fantasy-action film, with the explosions, terrible, clichéd names, etc. etc.

  9. swenson on 27 July 2014, 21:29 said:

    Aw, I do love a good Rorshach spork. Be sure you finish this book this time—I was always sad the other spork never got to the end.

    But seriously, I made it like ten sentences in and was snorting so hard my parents asked me what was wrong.

    Dragons don’t talk like that.

    That’s what you think.

    Also, Epke, that is lovely. Lovely lovely lovely. :)


    Because the writers don’t actually know anything about constructing a novel, and just assume a prologue is one of those things to check off the How To Write A Novel checklist. It’s like…

    - Main Character check

    - Comical Sidekick check

    - MacGuffin check

    - Love Interest check

    - Prologue whoops, forgot this one, better tack it on quick

    That, and they apparently have no idea that there’s other ways to work in foreshadowing.

  10. Elisabeth on 27 July 2014, 22:12 said:

    …I read about the author’s background. Wow. He’s not unlikeable, he’s a danger to society and completely batshit.

  11. Pipedream on 28 July 2014, 19:27 said:

    Smith of Lie, I loved it! Had me laughing aloud at the coffee shop.

    Also, cannot wait for Rorschach to rip the first chapter a new one. It’s a doozy…
    Human soldiers: “Desist beast! Prepare to be vanquished!”
    Dennagon the green dragon protag: “Can you attack me later? I’m in the middle of a tome.”

  12. sanguine on 29 July 2014, 09:48 said:

    YES. I am so excited for this series, you have no idea. This is one of the most sporkable books out there. I wish your liver the best of luck, Rorschach.

  13. The Drunk Fox on 2 August 2014, 23:52 said:

    Why, hello, book that murdered my old computer. It’s been a loooong time.

    Rorschach, if you by any chance need some assistance, I’d love to come back to this…

  14. Pryotra on 3 August 2014, 21:28 said:

    I’m just confused why ‘ours’ required multiple ‘s’s but ‘shall’ didn’t.

    And this prologue was pointless.