Ugh, guys, we almost didn’t make it through this one…and even though we did, there were massive cas…well, you’ll see.

Anyway, we made it through to the end of this chapter, and so we present to you all the second half of chapter 3 of D:LT. (Yeah, just the third chapter.) Nate Winchester is, once again, graciously working with me, and for those who are new to the series, links to the previous parts can be found below:

Part 1, Chapter 1 – Part 1, Chapter 1 – Part 2, Part 3, Part 4a

Now, on with the show!

He sensed a lack of sincerity in her words, as he did with most creatures that had the cognizance to choose.

DF – Well, you know how the saying goes: if more than three people in your life are utter, total a______s, then maybe it’s you.

No creature he had ever met was entirely truthful, for every intellectual being was inherently imperfect.

DF – Isn’t that called transference or something?
NW – So being imperfect means not truthful? That’s not even correlation!
DF – You expected things to start making sense?

Besides, those that were completely honest at all times were usually slain by the claws of brainwashed masses

DF – Re…un…ion…

bw. or by the guile of those beings who knew how to utilize the secrets of dolts foolish enough to divulge too much.

NW – So now truthful people are imperfect? Make up your mind!
DF – Everybody’s imperfect. Except the Stu, because he’s the author’s favorite/stand in.

Albeit he could detect the same treachery in her tone, he had all but any more strategic plans.

NW – I think we found the self-destruct code for grammar nazis everywhere. R.I.P. Elanor.
DF – And English teachers?

Thrusting out his talon, he viciously displayed all sharp claws to show just how friendly he was.
“Fine,” he forcefully said.

DF – Said Count: 11
NW – Should we count a ‘said’ if its prefaced by an adverb?
DF – He still used it, and if we didn’t count them they’d still be in the single-digits.
NW – Awww but I’m not going to beat the spread then. =(

“I’ll battle by your side as long as you do me one favor.”
His pupils shot at Nomax.

DF – Dennagon, get your pupils under control before somebody gets killed!
NW – Hey mister! Your eyes could put someone’s scissors out.
DF – If looks could kill – literally.


DF – Finders keepers, Nomax! FINDERS KEEPERS!
NW – “If it’s bloody that’s not much reason for me to give it back then is it?”

Nomax, wearing a nasty grimace, chucked it to him with the underside of his ouroboros tail.

NW – Without taking the tail out of his mouth? That doesn’t seem physically possible.
DF – Who cares! The author’s hoping to actually hit within sight of the Rule of Cool one of these days!
NW – The Rule of Cool is sitting in its house, refusing to pick up the phone or answer the door screaming, “No! Go away!”

Dennagon snatched it in the air, twirling it until

DF – …he cut his own head off.
NW – New drinking game: every time the author passes up a perfectly reasonable opportunity to kill an unlikable character.

it fell into a comfortable grasp. With a handkerchief of human skin,

DF – 1) Handkerchiefs are not normally made of leather, for good reason. 2) brb, going to be sick.
NW – “Ah yes, got this from an ’82 orphan. Very good year. Well not for humans.”

he wiped off the filthy claw prints.

DF – I think we need to take a shot for the innuendo drinking game.
NW – Or the impossibility drinking game. Can you wipe hand prints off something you’re holding?
DF – Or both, even.

If it was one thing he kept clean, it was his blade and the logical element of his mind.

NW – Denananan mistunderstood mom and thought she said wash between your ears.
DF – It explains why there’s no grey matter in there.

Both were as essential as rations and water to him, for war was what mattered in life.

NW – Oh how soon he forgets his books. This guy has emotional ADD.

Suddenly, a familiar sound in the heat of war alarmed him. Hundred of flapping wings filled the air with an aerial rumble similar to a thousand flags whipping in the wind simultaneously.

NW – Didn’t he hear that all the time in a city full of dragons?
DF – Well he’s not there now, is he?
NW – But it was a familiar sound from battle, but dragons never fight each other so… head asplode
DF – Ooo! Good point!

They all looked up, only to see minions of draconic sentries

DF – “We’re free!” they cried, “Free of you stupid dragons!”
NW – “Wait! We have some literature to share with you!”

soaring above the woodland, all plated in the armor of the recently decimated city. Lyconel immediately slid under the forest’s inverted foliage.

NW – Wait, is that a command or a description of the minions?
DF – Command. They’re actually the dragons from the city. I don’t know why it said minions.
NW – Damn, and I was hoping for some armored ducks.
DF – That would make this book somewhat bearable, though.
NW – I dunno… we could have gotten a Howard the Duck crossover.

They all did. The rumbles increased in magnitude, spreading to the ground and areas all around. The battered sentries wearily plodded across the entire environment, drained of their energy, but of grim vigor nonetheless.

NW – I thought he heard wings flapping. No wonder they’re weary if they’re flapping their wings and marching.
DF – And if they’re flying, why? They’re tired, and flying is hard.
NW – You forgot, gravity’s optional in this world.

Their bodies were fueled only by the ire and fear that filled their veins, the two emotions that drove them away from their homeland that had just been riddled with the cadavers of their fallen companions.

DF – That they…miraculously…survived wait what?
NW – Apparently death’s optional too.
DF – Right. Rule One for reading this book: Everything is optional.
NW – Grammar, logic, common sense, anything that’d make a book good; that’s all outright banned.

Upon their faces, mindless expressions were sculpted as if from stone carved,

NW – “This has been a service provided by the redundantly repetitive department.”
DF – “If you would like to know more and find out additional information about the RRD, please contact us and call 555-5555.”
NW – “Or stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly. You can also wait a moment to speak to a live person.”

and it was difficult to tell whether the lacked food or the ebony crystal liquid of knowledge.

NW – It’s crystal now? I thought it was caviar. Also, ‘the’? I thought there were thousands.
DF – I think it’s talking about knowledge in general, not just the ESHFE.
NW – But knowledge isn’t crystal liquid.
DF – Logic is optional, remember?
NW – Hey author, can we get a sign when something’s a metaphor vs literal? KTHX.

Through the verdurous growth, they flew in the livid air, galloped across the lands and swam where streams allowed.

NW – Hmmm… I count:

DFTHREE! THREE Inigos! Ah ah ah ah!
NW – It’s a new record Impies, the likes of which I don’t think we’ve ever seen before.
DF – But wait, the author might yet try to top himself…

Thirsting for vengeance. But more importantly, information.

DF – Somebody get them into detox, quick!
NW – “WikiAA: no we’re not a wikipedia about addictions.”

The dissident clan huddled together under the shadows.

DF – Under the shadows? How’d they manage that?
NW – I thought it was night. So… everywhere would be ‘under shadows’.
DF – Well, that’s true. I think the other half of the chapter had them looking up at the starry sky.
NW – But stars provide a… hang on, I need to consult some charts. [ruffles through some papers]
DF[…] Did you find them yet?
NW – I found out that today’s the day I’ll wind up with my head impaled upon a stick.

Their scales pressed against one another as the fleeting lightless silhouettes of their draconic hunters passed all around, unwary of their presence.

NW – I thought all the ‘hunters’ (who apparently didn’t get the memo that dragons never fight dragons) were exhausted and near collapse.
DF – They were born to run.

Dennagon had fought alongside many of them in battle, yet even he could not recognize a single face.

NW – Then how do you know you fought alongside them in battle?

Perhaps he just could not view them in such bleakness, but more likely, it was just because he didn’t give a blasted blight about their visages.

DF – Because you hate everybody, we know already.
NW*So how did he recognize them?*

He knew only one thing now – he had to stay hidden.

NW – Oh that explains it. Knowing all those identities would be more than one thing.
DF – I knew he was dim, but this is ridiculous.
NW – I keep hearing a car salesman in the back of my mind.

“Intelligence is optional.”
DF – Can I at least get power steering, though?
NW – “Steering wheel is optional.”

Or did he? Why didn’t he ask himself “why?” before coming to such a conclusion? Shame, shame shame.

NW – The character catches up to the audience.
DF – Took him long enough.

He shouldn’t have acted on his instinct, he thought. To do so was to be no more than an animal.

NW – But intellectual beings are inherently imperfect so wouldn’t being not intellectual make you more perfect?
DF – Once again, the author throws up his hands and says, “I don’t know.”

The fear that Lyconel’s coercion incited in him almost drew him to a plight most mad and cost him his reasoning capabilities.

NW – Which was a low cost to be sure but…

Swiftly, he regained his mental composure. He was again aligned with the collective.

NW – What collective?
DF – The one that all the nuclear missiles hit without actually killing anybody.
NW – Remember the good ole days when nukes actually killed things.
DF – Maybe they’re part cockroach?
NW – Don’t you feel sorry for the parents of the first cockroach half-dragon?
DF – Maybe there was some sort of wild party a long time ago that nobody wants to talk about now.

However, just as he reached out a talon to signal for his loathsome Drakemight comrades, he halted. It wasn’t the threat of being assaulted by these rabble dissidents units that were so close by,

DF – Because self-preservation is for the weak!
NW – Another “near-death” for our latest drinking game.
DF – Take a shot, guys!

but rather, the thought of falling for the same mistake he had just made. He could not just act on instinct and trust the collective again, for his reason told him to trust absolutely no one except for himself.

NW – Then why did you ever trust the collective before?
DF – Because the plot demanded it.

Thus, there was naught a single reason why he should believe that Drekkenoth’s purposes were anymore benign than Lyconel’s, even though the dragon king did always appear wise. Both choices were equally dangerous. His mind froze, as did the rest of his body.

DF – And this is why instincts exist; because doing things Denananana’s way can very easily get you killed – and possibly eaten – once you go into the BSOD stage (I refuse to call Denananana heroic).
NW – Remember my article on reinforcement? This is why! If he hates them, why is he in such a hurry to rejoin them? Why not take the opportunity to escape?
DF – Because as much as he might try to deny it, he’s secretly in love with them.
NW – Impossible! That would almost make sense. Denananan isn’t a Stu – he’s a freakin’ plot device.

The tension virtually permeated the air.

NW – Don’t need to use “virtually” unless you’ve seen actual tension permeations.

He could feel one of his new allies immersed in terror,

DF – I always feel like / somebody’s watchin’ me!
NWCan… you feel / the fear… tonight
DF – Also, they’re not your allies if you just decided to betray them.

another that was stooped in clandestine, covert thoughts, another that pondered meticulously, and the last that just plainly wanted to kill him.

DF – So when did Denananana become a telepath, again?
NW – “Then the dragons sensed his deep loathing and all turned toward thoughts of killing him.”
DF – No, that’s us.

Dennagon ignored these sentiments, for he wanted to take his time.

NW – Now the author’s taunting us.

Time that was slipping away as the dragons continued to pass without a sign of when they would completely mobilize beyond his range.

One more and we just hire him to do this.
DF – Nah, we’d have to pay him, and we’d never have enough money, and blah blah blah…
NW – Impy fundraiser time!

Their sheer volume was extraordinary, and he was surprised there were that many inhabitants of Drakemight.

NW – Why? You lived there! You were part of a collective!
Logic is optional.

He could easily kill Lyconel and her band by himself, let alone with a fleet of dragons. He would probably prove himself to be more of hero than he already was

NW – Dragons never fight each other though…
Continuity is optional.

by doing so, and hang her head as a trophy of nobility.

DF – Such respect for life! Such honor for their fallen fellows, despite differing viewpoints! Truly, these dragons are paragons of virtue, to be held up as something we pathetic humans can only hope to someday approach!
NW – Because dragons never fight eac- Oh screw it!

But then again, she gave him his sword back. And even as he crouched, overtly pondering whether or not to betray them, Lyconel stayed as placid as a spring dawn.

NW – I was about to ask how but then remembered that the previous nuclear attack was more subtle than Denananan.

It was as if she did not care to stop him. even though she was aware of the peril.

NW – Or because stopping him would be a struggle and cause a commotion that would draw attention anyway so lose-lose.
DF – Nice to know at least one of them has considered the circumstances, anyway.

At the same time, she was neither apathetic nor hostile, but rather, of a strange organic neutrality.

DF – It’s because she thinks you couldn’t possibly be stupid enough to attack her while the enemy can find you.
NW – But they’re his allies. Except he’s going to betray them. Except he hasn’t done it yet so they don’t know he’s a traitor.
DF – Except they hate him and would probably kill him anyway.
NW – Except they never did kill him despite all the opportunities in the city. Except he was was useful then. Except now they can probably use all the soldiers they can and – [head asplode]
DF – Wait! I can fix this! [fetches defibrillator]
Morbo – For a head wound?
Defibrillators do not work that way!
DF – Considering the concentrated stupid in this book, can’t you overlook the silly just this once? I needs help on this thing. (And I don’t want to be responsible for Nate’s death.)

HNW – Behold, I am now headless Nate Winchester!

One that was enough to convince him that she was just as, or maybe more propitious than the collective.


He withdrew his talon.

HNW – Considering all the uses for “talon” he has, this could be another drink for the innuendo game.
DF – brb, need to LMAO.

The swell of tension was suddenly released. The rest of the draconic legion rushed by, trailed by a few weaker units that lagged behind. Lyconel nonverbally motioned

DF – Aren’t all motions nonverbal?
HNW – That’s what she said.
DF – …Yes. Yes I did.

for everyone to stay amidst the guise of the shade for a minute before rising once more.
“Follow my lead,” she advisedly commanded

HNW – Wow, now he can’t even keep continuity within one sentence.
DF – It was inevitable, really.
HNW – Soon he’ll actually violate continuity between letters themselves.
DF – Well, at least we have something to look forward to.

She started toward the east, where the dragon army had turned. Behind her, her warriors followed her trail, careful not to strike any sounds in the air and not to leave any massive clawprints in the dirt.

HNW – Didn’t thousands, if not millions of dragons pass by? What will four more footprints matter?
DF – You don’t understand! They have to be stealthy and stuff even if there’s absolutely no point!

Even though the forest was upside-down, there was no reason to assume that the foliage hanging at the floor would conceal any blatantly clumsy marks.

HNW – But all the snapped tree limbs would be a dead give-away.

Marks that were haphazard enough to leave permanent scars in the ground were frequent of reptiles.

HNW – Someone’s never heard of erosion…
DF – Someone’s never heard of a lot of things…

Reptiles like Dennagon, who had left a scar upon something immaterial in the stead of something upon the lands. He had already shown his new clan just about how loyal he was in that near-miss treachery.

DF – Funny how you didn’t care about that five minutes ago.
HNW – At this point, maybe Lysol should ask if the world is even worth saving.

The feeling always made him feel like a furnace had been lit up in his chest, for he always sensed the pain and anguish of others.

DF – And yet, you never act like it.

Thence, he could touch upon the discomfort he had generated just now. There was an uncertain air all around of what everyone was thinking to themselves.
Then again, the situation was always uncertain in the theater of war. He had to do what was strategic, considering the variables he was aware of at the time.

DF – So in other words, you’ve just screwed yourself over.

Only weaklings moaned at the agony of battle, and definitely at the injuring of a potential enemy. There was no time to brood over such meaningless individuals whom he was probably going to ditch later anyway. Taking back his warrior’s heart, he pressed on to find out where his new friend was taking him.

HNW – My eyes!
DF – The goggles do nothing! [gets a blindfold] (Take a shot, guys!)

At the center of the Pedorian Forest, there was a lake that many creatures journeyed to in the past. Inverted like the rest of the woodland, it was unbound by gravity and hung in the air like a floating dome.

HNW – Then it’s not really a lake is it?
DF – This is what I hate about these exotic locations, by the way. There’s no consistency. If everything up to and including the lake and the patches of ground the shrubs are growing from is floating up in the air, then why aren’t the dragons affected by whatever’s causing that? I WANT TO SEE COMICAL FLOATING DRAGON SCENES, DAMMIT!
HNW – You know, it worked in Thief 1 when you were in the mouth of hell and there were lakes on the cave ceiling… but then it was supposed to be trippy.

Its flat, rippling surface


faced the ground below as if to act as a mirror or a watery lens,

DF – Forest fires were common in this area…

yet there was nothing but the stars in the sky to see.

HNW – But everything’s upside down… so are there stars in the ground or…
DF – At least in Sabrous, not making sense is part of the joke.

The same stars that appeared every night just as the celestial maps stated they should.

HNW – Rotation? Red shift? Nope, the universe is completely static.

There were no planets, asteroids or meteors, let alone the occasional fireballs that quarreling idiot magicians used against one another in the fields of petty human battles.

HNW – Again, you are standing on a planet you know.
DF – No, he doesn’t.

Most of all, though, there was no Moon, which was something the World missed dearly.

HNW – Everyone kept telling World that there were other Moons in the sky, but she refused to listen and just sat on the couch, eating chocolate ice cream.
DF – And watching Lifetime.

That was why the lake was there, for the globe coveted its sister, its companion to join it in heavenly harmony. The liquid lens watched the skies every night to linger on that hope.

HNW – Oh we should really introduce her to Mogo.

However, as so many religious fools of the past, there were many who came here that had no hope. At the present, the remnant army of Drakemight congregated, shaken

DF & HNW – Not stirred.

under their armor. Coolly, they tried to regain their equanimity

DF – Unfortunately, they tried too hard and froze.

so that they could bare themselves of the humility of being units that could hardly keep a steady claw at the sign of devastation.

HNW – What? Not using ‘talon’? I’m shocked!
DF – Not using talon when he’s actually talking about the talon. Is there even a word for that?

Their homeland was destroyed, and they grieved less in their strategic loss than in the fact that they were also losing their vaunted images amongst their colleagues.

DF – You mean their dead colleagues back at the destroyed city they just left?
HNW – C’mon guys. Surviving such a devastating attack improves your image! Look at me, still sporking without a head.
DF – I guess extreme logic failure causing your head to asplode counts as an attack…
HNW – He made it clear early on that it’s us vs the author, foxy.
DF – Massive casualties have already been incurred – HOW MUCH LONGER MUST THE MADNESS CONTINUE?

Instead of thinking of ways to improve their situation, they only thought of ways they could pretend to be suave about it. The only parts of them that appeared to be okay were the parts that weren’t – their outward aspects.

DF – So, can anybody tell me what that last paragraph even means? Other than the dragons from the city congregated at the not-lake, I got nothing.
HNW – Ummmm… dragons are vain?
DF – By the way, this scene would be the self-destruct code for science teachers, wouldn’t it?
HNW – They waved the white flag two chapters back.

“How goes the night?” uttered Thargon to an amphiptere, a worm without wings,

DF – Actually, according to the book’s glossary and Wikipedia, amphipteres do have wings. I’m counting this as massive editing fail.
HNW – I keep reading that as “amphitheater” which makes the scene even funnier.
DF – I kept reading it as “amphibian”.
HNW – We… keep… reading… it… [sob]
DF – Aw, Nate, it’s okay.
HNW – No it’s not, I’m crying without a head!
DF – We’ll make it through this thing together. And we’ll get your head. Or a head. You’re not picky are you?

who appeared less secure. “Are you in the need of comfort, brethren? Perchance I can be of assistance, lesser one.”

DF – This is actually something that could have been made interesting. Well, despite the massive conflict with what Dennananana was whining about in the first chapter. There’s all these different kinds of dragons; how do they relate to one another?
HNW – Wait… this book has dragons?
DF – …

It snapped its fanged jowls at him.
“Slash thy breath, oh putrid one. I am stronger than you ten times ten!”
“What does that mean?”
“That means that if I had ten units of strength, you would only have one.”
“If that were the case then I would only be ten times as strong as you, not ten times ten as you said.”
The amphiptere opened its mouth for a rebuttal, but his immediate response was a sock in the face.

HNW – I remember when we had these days in math club.
DF – Is it time for another shot?
HNW – Sure, and this time we’ll let you (audience) pick what you’re drinking for.

Under the wavy waters, a brawl ensued, and the two grappled almost as purposelessly as men drunken with the addiction for dominance. Other sentries gathered around to gawk at the fight, males and females alike shouting in ardent displays of false zealousness.

HNW – So much for tired, drained dragons.
DF – Aren’t they just teh awesomez, folks?
HNW – I never thought I’d see the day I’d actually find negative kinds of awesome.

In the underbrush surrounding the perimeters, Dennagon crept, lured by the unambiguous ruckus that had broken out. In front of him, Lyconel, Dradicus, Lefius, and Nomax peeked through the shrubs, careful as to not be seen. Death would be instant if they were caught, and the mission they had on their heads was far too significant to fail. So significant that Lyconel hissed under the audible range of the sentries.

DF – Wouldn’t she be doing that anyway? Unless they’re trying to get caught…
HNW – It’s not quite a near-death but I hope everyone has their shot glasses ready…

From her throat, a vacillating whinny whispered into the auditory organs

DF – Time for another Sign You’re Too Pretentious?
HNW – Oh yeah. Sign #2 – In describing the dangers your characters are in you use the words “instant” and “death” in the same sentence.
And you can’t whisper a whinny either.
DF – And Sign #48 – You use more than three syllables for a part of the body that only needs one.

of her group. Everyone heard the message loud and clear.
“We have to stay out of sight, no matter what. Got it?”
Dennagon was not familiar with the language of the primordial reptiles, but he got the jist of the message anyway.

DF – How?

Her tone of voice was enough to warn him. Quietly, he asked the question everyone else was always afraid to ask.

DF – Translation: Denananana’s about to ask the dumbest question EVER.


DF – See? SEE?! (Brain vampires! BRAIN VAMPIRES!!)

“The Drakemight collective organized that attack upon itself. They’re as much the enemies as the sapiens are.”
“How can that be? I served them.”

HNW – That’s why she said “attack upon itself”!
DF – The hate was mutual!
HNW – “Sir, are you sure we should use all these nukes to kill just Denanananan?”
DF – “How many others might die in the attack?”
HNW – “Over nine thousand.”
DF – “Still totally worth it.”

“Then perhaps they didn’t let you know everything.”

DF – Or he just missed a lot while he was hiding in his room.

The moronic sentries began to brawl their way to their concealed spot. Luckily, they tackled each other away before coming too close. Alas, Thargon walloped his opponent away into a cluster of waiting sentries, knocking him unconscious against a wall of scales. When it was clear that the amphiptere was not going to rise, the spectators rallied and stomped on the defeated unit, shattering the little glory it once had.

HNW – Seems like the sapiens can win this war if they just wait a few days.
DF – Really, the dragons are doing a great job of defeating themselves.
HNW – It’s like fighting the French.
DF – I do kind of feel sorry for that amphiptere, though; he died just because he didn’t like being talked down to.

All the while, their animalistic grunts drew forth yet another visitor. A vast shadow swept over the hovering water like an eclipse of draconic form.

HNW – There’s no moon, only stars, and there’s “a vast shadow”?
DF – Well, the Big Bad has to have an awesome entrance.
HNW – It’s like on Dragon Half when Rosario would actually carry around buckets of dry ice to generate fog for his appearances.
DF – Maybe the Big Bad has a little minion flying around with a spotlight?
HNW – Exactly!
DF – It could work!

The dark umbra of Drekkenoth soared to the center of the gathering, lightless as it was haunting. Silence befell all the inhabitants as they watched the sable flames flare across the sky, neutral and ghastly in their heat’s aloof lordliness.

HNW – DF, how many Inigos do you think?
DF – I don’t even know anymore… headdesk

The king descended from above, reflecting his blackened fires against the rippling surface of the airborne body of water. Ebony light streamed over all the sentries of Drakemight.

HNW – A rave broke out among the dragons.
DF – An oxyMORON rave.

Dennagon now thought he understood. They were probably here in temporary transit to an auxiliary outpost he had heard of often. He couldn’t remember the name, though.

HNW – Area 51?

It was of no importance what it was called.

DF – That’s right…don’t worry about it…there is no Area 51.
HNW[types it into google maps] You’re right!

He remembered only the most significant fact, that it served as a safe haven in the case that Drakemight was taken.

HNW – Yes that’s kind of the point of outposts.
DF – You mean they’re not like outhouses?
HNW – They could be. Never said they were impressive outposts.

Drekkenoth seemed to be taking on his mechanically patient carriage as usual.

HNW – Aren’t all carriages patient? The horses pulling it might not be but technically any device is going to be “mechanically patient”. That’s why the term “inanimate object” was coined.

While Dennagon almost viewed the king as a silent hero, Lyconel shirked

HNW 2nd one for “silent hero” as we’ve seen the king talk plenty.

at the sight of him. It was as if she were in the presence of a demon bent upon deceit in the most cunning of ways, for it was apparent that she was not afraid of his sheer power.

HNW – Get it? Get it? GET IT?
DF – I get it, it’s time for another shot!

There was something else she despised about him and the expression on her face conveyed a form of anger he had never seen in any dragon.

DF – Given the very recent actions of the other sentries…really?

Certainly never on the face of lord Drekkenoth, whose unmatched stoicism had many believe that he was a clockwork machine.

HNW – I’m not sure you get it. DO YOU GET IT?!?!?!?5
DF – You’re scaring me.
HNW – I just want to be sure you get it.

Dradicus, the wurm who had taken Dennagon earlier, poked Lyconel with his tail.

HNW – Lysol gets all the tail she wants.

“Should I scout?” he asked, true to his duty.
“It’s too dangerous. Recon is of the utmost importance.”

HNW – “Is that a yes or no? I’m confused ma’am.”
DF – But…recon is…and they’re already…ARGH.

And recon they sought. Eyes locked forward, they watched the legion as the dark lord hovered above like a demi-god. Drekkenoth said not a word for a few seconds, as if every spoken vowel and consonant was worth waiting for.

DF – He actually speaks in letters instead of words?
HNW – Aye.
DF – Oh.
HNW – Si.
DF – Why?
HNW – You.
DF – oic lolololololol!!!
HNW – zzzzzzzzz

Loyally as canines, the sentries did wait, every moment their pupils focused upon their master.

DF – “Now, play dead!”
HNW – “I left my slippers in Drakemight. Go fetch them!”
DF – “You, over there! Balance this dragon biscuit on your nose!”
HNW – “Hey! No! We do not do that in the upside down forest. Bad dragon!”

Then, in a mighty thundering voice, he started his speech.

DF – “You all suck, and I wish you’d died in that fire.”
HNW – A cheer went up in the crowd.
DF – “Nobody ever listens to me.”

“Silence,” he commanded even though there was already silence to begin with.

DF – Then why say it?
HNW “Silence! I concur!”

“Our walls are destroyed, but we have not yet lost this battle.

HNW – Nope, I’m pretty sure you have.
DF – Now he can go gloat to the other Evil Overlords about how he defeated himself.
HNW – Just like Gargamel, Cobra Commander or… any villain from the 80’s really.

We must advance upon the human armies lest they wreak their havoc upon the remainder of the World.

DF – Yes, because they’ve been so successful against the humans so far.
HNW – Only while reading books.
DF – But all their books have burned up now.
HNW – Well they’re boned.

The World that is our home and matriarch.”
For a few moments, there was an awkward shuffle as the sentries looked to one another for guidance. One mildly brave unit spoke up.
“B-but they’ve grown too strong. We cannot hold them off.”
Others joined in.
“We’ll not be able to withstand another attack! Didst you not experience their new sorcery?”
“Those projectiles from the sky came as if from hell itself!”

HNW – “Sure it seems not to have killed any of us but we lost all of our pokemon cards!”
DF – Hell is in the sky?
HNW – Well if Heaven is a place on earth than I guess it’d have to be.

Drakkenoth raised a talon high over his head.

DF – Now, which talon do you think he’s referring to? X3
HNW – It’s everyone’s favorite new game show: “Guess the Talon.”
DF – Even more popular than “State the Obvious!”
HNW – I’m still going with my filthy innuendo guess.
DF – Wow Nate, you’ve just played both games at once!

All units cowered, expecting for it to blast them away into the night.

DF – And he would have been right to do so, because these dragons are pathetic!

However, as he drove it down, he hit not one of his subordinates but instead ran right through the floating lake. The airborne water splashed into the air, warping his massive image as he streamed down through it like a bombshell.

DF – Wait. What?
HNW – Ummm… cream count? Oh wait, wrong bombshell.

The liquid never seeming to touch his black fires, he drilled directly into the ground, slamming his claws right through the surface.

HNW – Wait… is this the ground that’s in the air, or the ground ground. Damn this upside down zone!

A potent yet non-lethal quake shuddered the lands and he ripped out something from the earth.
Ebony fluid crystal dripped down his drenched palms to his forearm like oily tar of saccharine glimmer.

DF – ‘Oily tar of saccharine glimmer.’ Okay, just…wow. Yeah.
HNW – When IHOP recipies go bad.

The sugary substance spilled from the hole in the terrain that he created, yet it was hardly of petroleum produced. It was the knowledge of the world, the veins that lined every inch of the globe from pole to pole

DF – So it’s like mako? This is starting to sound like a particularly bad FF VII spin-off.
HNWDirge of Cerebus?
DF – Even worse.
HNW – That’s unpossible. Although now I know how to get ditches dug at my house. “Hey kids, forget studying, just dig up knowledge.”

so that humans could attempt to eradicate it and dragons could strive to fight for it. Pure, untainted knowledge in tangible form.
“They are mightier than you are as of now. Their craving for ignorance draws them to destroy this existence as metal is drawn to neodymium.

DF – I looked up neodymium, and while it does apparently make a great magnet, it first needs to be magnetized.
HNW – Ok, let’s accept knowledge is tangible—-
DF – And edible!
HNW – and edible for a moment. Wouldn’t then “craving for ignorance” be the equivalent of “craving for hunger”?

That is why we need this, the data of the World, to seize the lands that belong to us.”

DF – Congratulations, you just wasted time to explain things that everybody already knows.

A dissatisfied clamor loomed about the crowd.
“What is that word? ‘Data’?” inquired a sentry.
Dennagon was just about to ask the same thing. He had heard the term used frequently, and had even attempted to use it himself a few times. It seemed to have something to do with wisdom.
“Yes,” added another sentry. “Why do you keep using it?”

HNW – Hey book – hands of Inigo! He’s ours!

Drekkenoth did not answer. This time, his quietude was not in awe seen.
“I say his leadership wavers,” said the last sentry. “He cannot command us any longer.”

DF – Said Count: 12

They started to draw their weapons. Visions of glory suddenly filled their minds as they dreamed about killing the one who controlled them for so long. Despite the fact that they thought he had saved their lives for so long, the only thing they thought of was triumph.

HNW – So I guess they didn’t think he’d saved their lives since that’d be an additional thing to think.
DF – Seriously, how are these dragons superior to humans?
HNW – The rest are worse?

In fantasies deluged, they prepared for an attack.

DF – Sure you don’t mean, “for an attack, they prepared”?
Yoda – Steal my shtick, everyone does.

“Kill him.”
Drakkenoth was as still as a mountain. Violently, the hordes unleashed a storm upon their master, blades smashing against his sinew, claws scraping against his shadowy scales, tails lashing his face and biceps, and flames tearing from the mouths of the masses

HNW – Oops, almost missed the ‘m’ there.
DF – “Now you can die in a fire! Except…you are a fire… Um…….”

attempting to incinerate him. It seemed so incredibly vehement that even Dennagon was ready to believe that the lord would collapse under the insanity,

HNW – Because the audience has.
DF – Several times.

since no creature in his long years had he ever seen survive such an assault. He prepared for a gory mess, one that would herald the end of a dynasty.

DF – How do you get gore from a fire?
HNW – It’s kind of like a potato in the microwave.
DF – …Okay, I give up. How is it like a potato in the microwave?
HNW – Well you have to get an orphan and a bonfire…
DF – …
HNW – You’re right… almost nobody has that album).

However, as dragon sentries

DF – I want to make sure you don’t forget they’re dragons.
HNW – That would be terrible.

began to tire, they receded, revealing the draconic leader, who was still as solid as a living monument. Not one attack had even scarred his dark scales, and there was not a hint of disturbance in his face. The attacks, if he even felt them, had about as much effect as a pebble striking a grand sequoia.

HNW – A pebble would kind of chip the bark on a tree so critical analogy fail.

“Heh, heh, heh,” he chuckled in mechanistic pace.

DF – Can it get any more anvilicious, folks?

From tranquility to emotionless rage,

DF – If he’s emotionless, then it’s not rage, now is it?
HNW – And i’m pretty sure tranquility and emotionless are redundant.
DF – Well, tranquility is calm, and calm is an emotion, isn’t it?
HNW – According to, calm has unemotional, dispassionate as synonyms. Which emotionless does too so…
DF – Well, okay then.

he suddenly burst with hellish havoc. His colossal talons ripped through the air, smashing his assailants away until they all knew that they had instantaneously become the prey.

HNW – Well doesn’t he feel silly after that inspirational speech? Imagine Braveheart killing all those scots after rallying them.
DF – I like my version of the inspirational speech better.
HNW – Especially with random violence added.

With ease, his claws and fangs tore through metal armor like knives through paper scrolls,

HNW – You know, depending on the size and thickness of the scroll, a knife could easily NOT tear through. Also, paper is very flexible which makes stabbing it very difficult, so again, not easy.

and reptiles flew even without their wings. Their weapons dropped as they scattered, completely disoriented in the chaos wrought. It was like they had been hit by a tidal wave the size of an ocean.
They tried to retreat into the woods even though they knew it was futile. As fast as lightning, Drakkenoth crossed his talons and drew from his scabbards two swords with blades that were forged of onyx crystal.

DF – And again, I call BS. Onyx is a hard stone (7 on the Mohs scale), but it’s not very strong, partly because it’s so hard. A blade made of onyx would look pretty, but when used to actually hit armor and scales (the kind of scales that, by the way, only got nicked when hit hard with a rapier/foil in the prologue), would probably not keep a sharp edge for very long. Assuming the blade didn’t simply break off or shatter like glass, of course.
HNW – And how does he plan to win a war without any soldiers?
DF – Well, he’s not exactly the master of thinking things through. He had his own city attacked, after all.

Thunderously, he heaved his weapons at them,

DFSwords are not throwing weapons.

several tons of crystal and metal soaring across the air as quickly and easily as a feather swiped through the icy winter torrents.

HNW – Feathers can’t swipe through torrents. It’s like the author knows nothing about everything.
DF – Well, it would explain a lot.

Blood splattered all over and severed body parts were cast in all directions, the duress of a bestial fury untamed directing the wrath without care for life.

DF – And this is the guy they put in charge.
HNW – He promised them universal health care. AFTER HE MAIMED THEM.

There was no heed in the destroyer’s eyes as he struck, killing some and mutilating others. There was only a sentience that lived on a secret hidden within the dark fires. A sentience that drove him like the clock he was theorized to be.

HNW – Hey rebels? Now might be a good time to escape.
DF – But they haven’t learned anything yet! Well, except that the sentries suck, and their boss is a sadist, and that they’re probably not going to succeed at anything anytime soon…
HNW – They’ve also learned they can get the Big Bad to kill himself if they use a mirror and a talented impresionist venquilitrist.

Horrified, Dennagon could only espy as the severed limbs and hacked torsos flew through the air and splashed into the hovering lake, painting its water with shades of dark, silver blood. Of course, the lake itself never shattered, for the force of gravity that seemed to lie in the middle of the air suspended it as a passive observer. It simply absorbed the gore until the massacre came to an end.

HNW – So… there’s gravity making it upside down but none of the characters are upside down?
DF – Like I said, no consistency.
HNW Consistency’s optional.

Carrion littered the landscape. The vast majority of the sentries were still alive, but struggled in agony in their writhing postures.
“Do you comprehend?” questioned Drekkenoth.

DF – “That you just kicked our tails? Yeah, we comprehend that…”
HNW – “Here’s an idea sir. Why don’t you go fight the sapiens?”

“Information endows me with the strength of a million dragons. If you choose to remain ignorant, you shall perish.”

DF – “You’re going to kill us?!”
HNW – “We should gather a million and one dragons. Got it sir!”
DF – By the way, given their actions so far, they seem pretty ignorant despite all the information they’ve eaten.

A slow rotation of his head let him survey his fallen forces. Randomly, he grabbed one of them and chewed off its head. Casting the body away, he threw it toward the shrubs. The decapitated soma landed right behind Dennagon’s crew, splattering some of its innards upon them.
“Else, you can be as I.”

HNW – What if they don’t want to be cannibals?
DF – Respect for the dead and dying seems to be a foreign concept here.

Drekkenoth reached into his belt pouch. Sloshing sounds resounded as he retrieved a talon-full of soft black orbs. Each one dripped with precious knowledge, concentrating the might of erudition into rations. In one whirling motion, he flung them into the air, letting them disseminate in the atmosphere like flying spheres of caviar.

DF – These would be the flying variety of ESHFE.
HNW – Solid orbs made a sloshing sound?
DF – Now we know they’re high.

As if to imitate pollen, the orbs soared into the horizon and the unseen distance of the celestial sea, spreading out to vast stretches. Every sentry immediately got up of its war-torn belly and took to the air, desperately chasing the entities that they knew of as their source of strength. They ran as if their lives depended on it, and their wounds seemed trivial as compared to the need to understand the physical laws of the universe.

DF – But they…he…there’s a pool of knowledge right there! He opened it up, remember! …Then again, they are ESHFE addicts…
HNW – You know, the entire previous scene could have been fixed if the dragons had attacked their leader in a rush to get some of the “knowledge” he’d just opened up and coated his arm with.

Finally, Drekkenoth was alone. He did not even crack a smile at their cretinous behavior. His flames were completely soundless

HNW – Flames are always soundless, it’s the heat interacting with the fuel.
DF – So his flames have no fuel?
HNW – No, it’s just what causes sound, you can still have fuel that doesn’t cause sound when heated. Candles don’t deafen you.
DF – Ahhh, okay! I guess that’s it for Happy Fun Science Time for now.

as he sat meditating in the middle of the woodland, holding something within his heart and mind that not even the five units that spied on him could detect. Dennagon did not dare to speak, but could only hold his breath and view the dragon king whose raging conflagrations let not one decibel of noise into the vicinity.

HNW – The only way for sound to not be let into a place is for it to be absorbed by a surrounding material or to have a louder, more powerful sound wave canceling out others.
DF – His special fire is soundproofing material.

Lyconel was almost as still as the enemy she watched.

DF – Well, yeah… Did you expect her to jump out and start parading around in front of Drekkenoth?
HNW – At this point it’d be par for the course.

She had obviously done this before. Thus it was not a surprise when she heard the hums of rockets coming from above, encased in two balls of fire that shot down from the sky like shooting stars.

DF – Dragons from space!

Drekkenoth looked at his wristwatch. His angels of doom were right on time, as he always expected. Arxinor and Gorgash flew to his sides as they were ordered to, plunging through the floating waters in streaks of liquid bubbles.

HNW – Encased in fire? Shouldn’t they have evaporated the not-lake?
Logic is optional.

Obediently, they bowed.
“That went as calculated,” remarked Arxinor.
“Their pace in downloading has quickened,” descried Gorgash.
“Their minds will grow weak with the cognitive venom we have implanted.”

HNW – “And bashing their heads in probably weakened their minds too sir.”
DF – “So when is their next scheduled beating?”

Something shone in their eyes that were unlike anything in the medieval realm. Circuited veins bled into their corneas as they processed their data. Arxinor and Gorgash spoke simultaneously.

DF – They practiced for hours to get the timing right.
HNW – It’s that extra effort that makes them the favorite lieutants.
DF – And the only lieutenants after Apeoignaspai started speaking a split second after the other two.

“And our grasp over all will thicken.”
Arxinor then happened upon a thought a second before his slower colleague did.
“But what of the target ssssentry?” he asked.
“The one called Dennagon,” finished Gorgash.

DF – Because OF COURSE everything revolves around Dennananana!
HNW – “Sssssir. I sense he is near. Let’ssss talk about him.”

Drekkenoth delved into his internal database.

HNW – Is… is this still foreshadowing?
DF – I don’t know. I think it’s a mallet with “HE’S A MACHINE” written on it, actually.

“He is irrelevant. As long as the Lexicon is kept from their reaches, the mission will continue on,” he concluded.
Arxinor and Gorgash comprehended. They flashed their circuits through their sinew and took to the sky, serpentine wraiths of cyborganic nature born.

DF – And Yoda starts spinning in his grave again.

As comets, they streaked across the heavens, traveling to accomplish their next duties.
Meanwhile, their programmer continued meditating under the Pedorian Forest’s central lake, neither praying nor blaspheming.

HNW – Um… those aren’t your only two options when meditating. Also blaspheming means “speaking ____” so you can’t really do that while meditating anyway.
DF – He’s Drekkenoth! He can do anything!

He was just thinking, for that was what he was best at. Neuromech wiring piloted his intellectual coordination so that he could see his own mind’s workings with utmost clarity.

DF – Um…how?
HNW – Please! Let it end!
DF – Do I have to start singing The Song again so you’ll get it?
HNW – Forget the book, I want the world to end.
DF – Well, in that case, I don’t have that many connections, but I’ll see what I can do.
HNW – You’re just looking for an excuse to talk to Sephiroth.
DF – General Baal, actually.

Serenely sinister, he waited.
Dennagon, having been exposed to so many anomalous weirdities

HNW – Sign you’re too pretentious #11: You use the word “weirdities”.

in such a short time, was completely numbed. He began to implement the age-old question of what was real and what was not, and came to the conclusion that this was as absurd as any dream he had at night. After all, who was to say that anything he perceived at the moment was as tangible as it appeared? It was much more reasonable to assume that he had just been toiling with too much mana, and the magic had poisoned his thoughts. Yes, that was it wasn’t it? What was real? ‘Real’ was a word like anything else.

DF – And yet, when you actually have a weird dream, suddenly it has a meaning, “as there was a meaning to everything in life.”
HNW – Damn you Matrix! You’ve ruined fiction forever!
DF – There’s still no spoon? But I have ice cream!
HNW – Wait and you can drink it.

The ludicrousness of it all propelled him into a state of nihilism, and he thought he was still asleep. The only way to come out of a dream was to die, as he had once read in an ancient text. Thus, the only way to escape was to dash straight into his enemy so that it could free him from this whirlpool of the subconscious. Again, he was compelled to move toward the collective. To move toward this false Drekkenoth so that he could be extricated from this madness and awaken to his former realm. Then, he could live again to ponder whether or not that realm truly existed.

DF – I’d say something here about how that’s completely stupid, but I really want to see him kill himself like that.
HNW – Here we go people. The moment we’ve been waiting for. Ready shot glasses…

Fortunately, a sharp blow to the head with another stone knocked him out. Nomax had seen him edging toward visibility and acted as quickly as he ordinarily did.

HNW – drink

Lyconel, this time, agreed with the decision, and together, they quietly dragged their unconscious comrade away from the scene. Their moves were as silent as the stars twinkling above, and in clendestine sleekness, they swiftly skulked away, their enemy was left in a state of true solitude – but not a state of true ignorance. For Drekkenoth did not need to see his enemies in order to detect them. He needed only to feel them through the wristwatch that was wired to his very spinal cord,

DF – First of all; sensing things through a watch = LAME. Second, he knew they were there the whole time and he still talked about the whole plan?!
HNW – All he needed was a cat to pet.
DF – Hasn’t he ever heard of deceiving the enemy?! He could have made Dennagon doubt Lycanol, possibly gotten him back under his control as well as ruining everything for the enemy!
HNW – Or just killed them. After the group he tore apart I’m sure less than a half dozen would be a breeze.
DF – Seriously!

transmitting information through space and time into the mind that wanted to seize everything. He had battled eternity, and it was eternity that he wished to eliminate. Time was his prison, and in his causal shackles he had plotted for many an eon. Totality would be coming soon…

DF – To me, totality looks like this.

…and he would ring in its arrival.

HNW – It’s like the author had no idea how he wanted to end the chapter and just started throwing darts at a board of words.
DF – Ding, dong, the chapter’s done!
HNW – Foxy… this chapter hurt me.
DF – It’ll be okay…you did good.
HNW – No it won’t. I must hurt this book as it has hurt me…
DF – We will, Nate, we will. Next time, folks, we’re doing something very special!

Tagged as:


  1. Puppet on 28 March 2009, 21:47 said:

    Nobody’s going to read these if they are so long.

  2. CGilga on 28 March 2009, 22:35 said:

    Ain’t that the truth?

    I usually enjoy the sporkings, and while you guys are much more skilled in it than I am, by the time I reached the car salesman, I gave up.

    Though, I think it was more of Eng’s fault than anything. He has actually made reading painful for me. I hadn’t realized this was possible.

  3. The Drunk Fox on 28 March 2009, 22:52 said:

    All right, thanks for the input. I’ll try dividing them up into smaller parts, then.

    CGilga: He’s made it painful for us, too.

  4. Asahel on 28 March 2009, 22:57 said:

    I did. And, in the end, isn’t that what’s really important?

  5. The Drunk Fox on 28 March 2009, 23:07 said:

    I thought getting Nate a new head was what’s really important, but okay. :)

  6. Ari on 28 March 2009, 23:38 said:

    Waaay too long. I could only make it through a third.

  7. Dan Locke on 29 March 2009, 00:11 said:

    I read the whole thing. I’m like that.

    I thought that I was the only person who read Minus. It’s a great comic.

  8. Snow White Queen on 29 March 2009, 14:27 said:

    I read it in several small blocks.

    This book is mind-numbingly bad. How was it ever published?

    Great spork though. I hope Nate finds his head soon. Perhaps he can get a mechanized one powered by ESHFE.

  9. Frederecksen on 29 March 2009, 14:52 said:

    I agree with the people who said it was too long. Perhaps if you either cut the segments shorter or didn’t spork every single sentence, they wouldn’t take to long to read. I got through this one, but it took a while, more time than I wanted to spend reading a spork.
    Otherwise, great job, keep it up.

  10. Dan Locke on 29 March 2009, 15:42 said:


    Perhaps if you either cut the segments shorter or didn’t spork every single sentence, they wouldn’t take to long to read.

    No, they have to post every sentence. Otherwise, I’d have to pay real-world money to read the book.

  11. Falstar on 30 March 2009, 01:02 said:

    I like this series of sporkings. :) Its very long, but very enjoyable… Well, as enjoyable as reading this tripe can get. :/ The mind boggles at how badly-written this book is.

  12. LordShadowblade on 2 April 2009, 18:51 said:

    That was seriously the worst thing I have ever read in my life. This is worse than Eragon, Twilight or anything I have read before. I didn’t even know what was possible. Ahhh! My innocence! Compared to this guy, Paolini is Shakespeare! At least you can understand what the crap Paolini is talking about even if it is worded in the most ridiculous fashion!

    Props to you both, you guys rock. I can’t even tell you how hard that made me laugh. I was having a bad day too, this really cheered me up. In a sick, sad kind of way….XD

  13. CherryPep on 6 April 2009, 14:14 said:

    I giggled. I cringed. I read it the whole way through.