This chapter’s one of the longer ones, so we’ll be splitting it up into two parts in an attempt to cut down on the Wall O’ Text a little. Previous parts can be found here, here, here, and here, so if you haven’t read them yet, go ahead and catch up first.

As always, I’m working with Nate Winchester, and…say, is Snuggles helping out again today?

NW – He said something about going into Witness Protection.

DF – Awww…well, anyway, on with the show.

The sky lit up like a celestial inferno. It was neither day nor night,

DF – But rather, the rare phenomenon known as Glorbnash! Free cake for everyone!
NW – That’s a lie.
DF – You’re right. It’s actually a pie!

but something beyond the two opposing sides of a Worldly rotation.

NW – Sign you’re too pretentious #22: In talking about day/night you use the word “rotation”.
DF – And you aren’t writing a science textbook.

The heavens grew crimson with the blazes that erupted all over Drakemight, blazes that detonated out of massive metal rods that came shooting down from the clouds.

NW – Damn you US Space Command and your Space-Launched Kinetic Megabombs!

The sun and the stars were shielded by the intense flares that ripped across them, replacing them with speckled flashes of the incoming storm of projectiles.

DF – I thought it was night? The sun’s nowhere near them. Then again, neither are the stars, technically.
NW – I’m starting to think this is just God demanding the story to end.
DF – It couldn’t have been me?
NW – You have Space-Launched Kinetic Megabombs?
DF – Does God?
NW – He could. The Dinosaurs learned that.
DF – That was a rock. It’s not the same thing.
NW – Which of the 4 words above does not apply?
DF – Bomb.
NWDoes too.

All over the kingdom, polyhedral towers fell

DF – This will be important later. …Actually, I take that back; it’s important now.

and dragons fled for their lives, uncertain of what was going on, or when it was going to stop.

NW – That’s why they call it a surprise attack.

Dennagon darted through the frenzy, as perplexed as anyone else.

NW – That’s been ESTABLISHED already.

The rain of doom bombarded the walls all around, creating an even greater wall that burned of stone and fire to prevent any units from escaping.

NW – ‘Burned of stone’?
DF – I don’t know either. Also, can’t a lot of the dragons…y’know…fly?

Mushroom clouds bloomed everywhere, spreading radioactive winds across the entire civilization as if to summon a deadly aurora borealis.

NW – If mushroom clouds bloomed everywhere, I don’t think there’s any civilization left.
DF – Except for the new radioactive mushroom regime!
NW – We should start a band named “Radioactive Mushroom Regime”.
DF – I call keyboard!
NW – Oh, and according to this, Alaska has non-fatal nukes causing their aurora borealis.
DF – Aurora Australis are caused by completely different phenomena, though.
NW – Involving alcohol no doubt.
DF – Snuggles…!

There was no place to run, and certainly hiding from the atomic emissions was out of the question.
Just then,

NW – Just when? You can’t jump from vague time references to detailed ones without transition.
DF – You can if you’re special like Dennananana.

two familiar faces passed him amidst the swarms. Arxinor and Gorgash, the two cryptic guardians of the lord Drekkenoth, brushed by his sides, tipping his sword with one of their wings.

DF – Shouldn’t that hurt them? I mean, I know they’re robots or cyborgs or something, but…
NW – We’ve never seen them. Never heard of them, but they’re familiar.
DF – They were chasing Lycanol in the prologue. I know they’re ultimately forgettable (and horribly cliche, and incredibly stupid…), but we have seen them.
NW – But we haven’t seen Dennanna meet them so is Dennanna referring to us, the readers? These guys are familiar to us?
DF – Hmmm, good point. I just figured since they’re Drekkenoth’s right hand guys, he’d have seen/heard of them before the book started. But it’s not safe to assume stuff with this book, is it?
NW – Unless you assume it will be as painful as possible.
DF – Is it safe? dentist drill

He twirled around wildly, stopping himself with an outward thrust of his talons.
“What of the enemy?”
The two guardians turned around simultaneously and identically perfunctory.
“Can you not predict?” asked Gorgash.

NW – Why would he need to predict what’s happening right now?
DF – Because he’s Just That Special.
NW – In that case we’re all Just That Special.

It was rather obvious.

DF – “Hey Dennagon, we’re out of sugar.” “CURSE YOU HUMANS!”

He looked to the blood-torn sky. “What the hell is this rain?!”
“Let ussss identify it.”

NW – Welcome back Cobra Commander.

With that, Gorgash and Arxinor disappeared into the flying, bustling throngs. Sentry commanders began to amass their frantic forces and lead the draconic battalions into battle above. Gradually, the clamor was receding into raging order.

NW – Shouldn’t they all be dust from all those nukes?
DF – Shouldn’t the city be a crater after the end of the last chapter? And yet there were still buildings standing at the beginning of this one.

Dennagon felt no need to wait for orders. Stark raving mad,

NW – “…like the author”

he bolted into the heavens, gliding swiftly past his slower comrades.

DF – He must be special to be gliding up.

With a talon held out to increase his aerodynamic motion, he rushed forth, blade drawn in his other talon.

NW – Looks like someone should have spent more time with basic physics instead of the theoretical stuff.

There were cylindrical comets in the sky. Hundreds of them. From where he was, he could not determine their size,

NW – As a flying creature, shouldn’t he have a highly developed visual cortex and experience in determining the size of things at a distance?
DF – Normally I’d say no, because it depends on what the flying creature eats and such, but since Dennananana’s a predator, then yes, he should.
NW – You could get a great sitcom out of it. “Food!” _ “Oh dear, you’re a lot larger than I thought.” _[studio laughter]
DF – I thought that was called Natural Selection.
NW – We could pitch it to follow “Big Bang Theory”.

but he could sense that these were not ordinary fireballs that could be forged from any old spellbook.

DFNo. Really?
NW – Because even the fireballs are Just That Special.

These were entities he had never seen before, perhaps something recently written by an experienced spellcaster.

DF – Remember, kids, the secret is to dabble in forces you don’t understand.
NW – Harry Potter 8: Hermione reads too far.

There was no stopping this war without finding out what magic did this.

NW – Or you could just kill the magic caster. That always works for Disney.
DF – No, no, he means he wants to learn how to do it himself.

He was halfway betwixt the stratosphere and the surface when one of the projectiles neared him. It was headed straight toward the Archive at the center of the city, flaring like a meteorite that came directly from the sun.

DF – He’s read all these science books, but he doesn’t know that meteorites don’t come from the sun?
NW – The archive is still standing after all the nukes? Why should we bother remembering info from earlier chapters when the author can’t remember what happened a page ago?
DF – Because someone has to do it.
NW – You can’t make me! If the author isn’t putting that much work into writing it, then I’m not putting that much work into reading it.
DF – But Nate, we’re sporking it. Keeping track of inconsistencies = more stuff to mercilessly make fun of.

He could not let it meet its target. Dashing right in its way, he charged straight toward it, his eyes glowing as his pupils locked onto its fiery tip.

NW – This must be one of those Hollywood Meteors. It only moves when the camera is on it.
DF – Keep in mind that there are more than one of these, by the way.
NW – More than one camera?
DF – No, more than one Hollywood Nuke.

The projectile stared straight back at him as a cyclops would gaze at its prey with a single eye,

DF – Missile: I see youuuuu…
NW – Quick Denananan, use the “look over there” trick!

flames lashing out like a beast’s fanged jaws.

DF – Little does Dennananana realize that this missile is his long-lost half-brother.

In his mind, all he saw were the pages of his books, dictating to him exactly how he should manipulate his realm.
“Velocity is distance multiplied by time,” he reminded himself.
The furious rod-like comet barreled toward him at the speed of sound.

DF – So how does the equation help him?
NW – The speed of sound in air is 1,083 ft/s, or about 1 mile/5 seconds. Our planet’s atmosphere is roughly 62-75 miles above ground. Which means Denananan has 6 minutes, 15 seconds before crash. So in that time he notices this thing falling, gets in its path, has a staring contest with it, and says the above sentence.
DF – So he should be a charred hunk of dragon.
NW – Or pancake.
DF – Radioactive dragon pancake (which would also be a great name for a band). And that’s assuming he noticed it when it was at the farthest side of the atmosphere and just starting to come down!

However, he swiftly spun to the side just as it came, swinging his blade around to carve a groove into its cylindrical shaft.. The projectile jerked up in the air, spiraling off course in a wild trajectory that wound around and about the polyhedral extensions of the kingdom.

DF – So how exactly did that equation help him?
NW – If the projectile was metal, how did his sword deflect it without breaking? If it’s magical, how did his sword have any effect whatsoever?
DF – He cut a groove in it to mess up its aerodynamics, which shouldn’t have worked anyway, since the sword’s blade still should have bent or broken (or at the very least been ripped out of his hands) in the process.

It fell to the ground, amazingly dodging countless potential targets in the way whilst dragon sentries rushed out of its path.

NW – Because we can’t have our Stu make any mistakes.
DF – Sooooo…what about all the other Hollywood Nukes?
NW – They’re waiting for the cameras to focus on them.

Dennagon raced back down, following its awkward trail of smoke as best he could.

DF – If dragons are anything like birds, they should have very delicate lungs and such for getting as much oxygen as possible out of the thinner air they might fly through. That said, how is he not having trouble in all this smoke, both from the missile he wrecked and from the burning city?
NW – How is he still flying after applying pressure by his sword to the counter movement of the missile?

Trigonometry and dynamics shuffled in his consciousness, guiding him with the mathematics of physical laws so that he could optimize his efficiency.

NW – And where are your beloved maths when you fly?
DF – He ignores them then so that he can fly in space.
NW – Oh, it’s math that only works when you believe in it.

To his aggravation, hordes of comrades bustled past him, jarring him from side to side as he tried to catch the plummeting entity that could devastate the entire legion. Enraged, he shouted.

DF – Yes, because they’re doing that specifically to annoy you, Denny. Not because, for example, their city is being destroyed by unknown entities and they’re terrified or anything.
NW – How does one stay flying if things are bumping into you? Is gravity optional in this world too?
DF – Everything’s optional in this world if the author thinks he can make it look cool.

In the rumbling night, he could hardly hear his own words. Nevertheless, he sheathed his blade and started punching sentries that were stupid enough to get in his path, making certain that they were clear of the potentially explosive range of the descending enemy projectile.

NW – Because when enduring a surprise attack, it’s important that you punch your own soldiers.
DF – I don’t know why he’s worried about the other missiles; they’re waiting for the plot to focus on them again.

Occasionally, punches and bites were returned to his chest and face, but there was no time for vengeance, he had a mission to complete.

NW – Or there’s no time for vengeance BECAUSE THEY’RE BEING ATTACKED RIGHT NOW.
DF – No, no, it’s because he has a mission. The book centers around him, after all.

Finally, he came within ten feet of the sizeable rod-like object.

DFfake coughing fit
NW – Should we be reading this with a sock on the door knob?
DF – I don’t know, but if I knew this was what we were getting ourselves into, I’d have just bought some Wonder Woman comics.

The smoke blared against him, but he quickly implemented the laws of motion in his mind and calculated its presumed trajectory.

NW – As been established!
DF – It’s like the author never edited past the first draft.

With a downward boost of his wings and a strenuous stretch of his limbs, he caught it with all fours. Yanking it upside-down, he put it up in the air whilst his back faced the ground, making certain that it would not erupt upon surface contact.

NWInertia – look it up before you write physics porn.

Unfortunately, as the smoke cleared from his vision, he could tell that the ground was actually a lot closer than he originally thought.

DF – Spaghetti-Os!
NW – We’ve long passed that 6 minutes, 15 seconds mark.
DF – So what’s it called when a Hollywood Nuke has the camera on it the whole time, but still falls too slowly?
NW – Plot contrivance.

Opening his wings even further, he leveled himself out against the currents of air.

DF – How is he doing that when he’s upside-down?

Parallel to the ground, he maximized his surface area and increased his air resistance to its full potential. Slowing down a bit, but not quite enough, he hit the ground with a thud, skewing himself sideways as well.

NW – And became a bloody mile-long smear. The end.
DF – Didn’t you tell me not to do that last chapter?

Blending into a back roll,

DF – Is the author aware that he doesn’t have to start every sentence in an action sequence that way?
NW – A way that makes no sense?
DF – That too.

he let his captured projectile tumble overhead and drop on the ground behind him tail-first. As it clanged against the dirt at the surface of Drakemight, it wobbled around, rolling its two tons of weight along a natural incline. Dennagon sprung to a stance, catching it under his limbs before it could go any further.

DF – He makes it sound so easy, considering the fact that it weighs as much as he does.
NW – Look DF, we have a special guest again.
Superman – None of this makes any sense!
DF – And when Superman says it, it must be true!

He took a breath of relief.
“Whew!” he let out, grateful that it did not explode.

NW – But then it did. How ironic.
DF – The End.

His claws scraped its surface. It was hot and smooth, charred on the outside from the friction of the air, but still recognizable as metal underneath.

NW – It’s like he has no idea how basic fire works. And how is it smooth after he cut it with his infinity +1 sword?
DF – That’s just his normal sword, actually, which just illustrates how super powerful the Infinity +1 sword will be. Other than that…I don’t know.

Like an arrow, this missile was elongated and slender, twice Dennagon’s length,

NW – It’s ok Denananan, it’s not that important to some girls.
DF – It’s not the size of the ship, it’s the motion of the ocean?
NW – We should really move on before—-

maintaining a point at one end and steel tail rudders at the other.

NW – Dammit!
DF – And of course Dennagon doesn’t care about all the other missiles raining down on him and his home, he has a specimen to examine!

A propulsion system seemed to be built into the tail end, but there was no sorcery that could have created it, as it appeared to be a machine in itself.

DF – And…magic can’t just…make machines or something?
NW – Ok! We get it! It’s a missile! Tomorrow’s headlines: Dragons hit by ICBMs. Move on already.

As his claws felt the scar that his sword had left in its shaft, he then realized what it was really made of.

NW – We should have a filthy innuendo drinking game.
DF – We should, but Snuggles isn’t here. Those of you reading at home, c’mon! Take a shot for Snuggles!

Severed circuits protruded from the torn opening like wriggling serpents tipped with electrically charged ends. Sparks flew from their broken edges, lighting up the area with curt

DF I do not think that word means what you think it means.

pyrotechnics. They were similar to the circuited parts that he held in his collection, except the missile in his clutches was actually alive and operational.


Electricity surged through it like blood through veins, and it felt as if he were beholding a power that was truly beyond his realm of existence. It could destroy him if it exploded. Incinerate him so that he himself would become a fossil.

DF – Assuming you weren’t turned into a fine dust, sure, why not?

Regardless, the question at talon was how it was capable of being set off.

NW – “You guys see what I did there?”
Well actually, talon refers to the claw on the hand, so the phrase change makes no sense because we don’t say “question at nail” and these creatures do – in fact – have hands so why would they change it to begin with?
“Ha! I’m so smart!”
DF – I think he’s using talon to refer to the entire foot/hand/whatever. It still fails, though.

A high-pitch whistle shrieked. Another missile rocketed toward him from above, clearing all other dragons out of its way. His comrades did not even try to stop it, but merely dodged so that it could hit him.

DF – Or rather, so that they wouldn’t get hit. Like anybody with self-preservation instincts would do.
NW – Nope, I’m firm in my belief that all the other dragons realize this is their chance to get rid of the insufferable Stu.

Dennagon had no time to think.
With a tremendous thrust,

DFsnerk So many things I could say, so little time…
NW – Hey, we’re not here to judge.
DF – We’re here solely to judge.
NW – Oh. Then stop lusting after missiles Denananan.
DF – Those who are playing, take a shot.

he hurtled the missile in his clutches to the one that sailed toward him. The two projectiles collided in midair a mile up, emitting a blast of illumination that scorched all of Drakemight with fierce pulses of light.

NW – It was nice of the other nukes to leave some of the city for these nukes to destroy.
DF – Yeah, they’re very polite bombs.

The eruption tossed him back with a force so whopping that he felt like he had been socked by twelve million human knights all at once.

DF – How would he know this? Has he had this happen to him before?
NW – It was a Saturday, pledge week, and he was really drunk…

His body lashed through the flaming air, cutting an infernal streak of red flares in the conflagration cloud. Spiraling horizontal, he crashed into a polyhedral domicile

DF – The explosion is that powerful, and yet after at least one direct hit there are still buildings standing?

and tumbled around as the metal and stone fragments deformed to wrap around his talons and legs.
The radiation filled the air, but underneath the rubble, Dennagon was mildly shielded.

NW – Allow me to take this moment for a public service announcement. Most people believe that atomic bombs consist of only radiation. While the atomic part is very important, please stop forgetting the word BOMB in the title. There are EXPLOSIONS involved. Explosions kill people. Hence the popularity of grenades.

Still he could only rise groggily, limply tearing off his fettered debris with disoriented slices of his claws. He barely had the strength to growl.
Then, a horrific realization hit him. Snapping his head up, he looked to the cohorts of dragons above,

NW – Through the debris? Does he have x-ray vision now?
DF – He has whatever the plot requires him to have. Just like Eragon.

fleeting ignorantly to meet the onslaught of missiles from above. Idiots they were not to know by now what the missiles were capable of, but instinct drove him to save them anyway.
“Noooo!!” he cried. “Stay back! Do not engage thy projectiles! They will disintegrate you!

NW – “But not me! Because I’m special!”
DF – And yes, it actually said “thy projectiles” in the book. I think it might be time for another shot.

They will-”
The sky was bloodier than it was before as detonations cast roses of red fire, their flaring petals lined by the gore of foolish warriors slain. In the bleeding heavens, hundreds of nukes were set off by morons who decided it was a good idea to strike the warheads with their blades, fangs and claws.

NW – Like… Denanananan?
DF – Well, he’s special.

Reptilian cadavers fell from the celestial sea, showering the polyhedral networks in carrion burnt.

DF – “You maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!”
NW – So they weren’t distengrated? [gasp] Stu was wrong!

It was too late for any of his comrades. Dennagon darted into the air, what little air was left about the flaming ruins.

NW – So his earlier pain was more of a “rest for five minutes” ordeal.
DF – Stus have other kinds of pain?

He scudded through the aerial polyhedron maze as edifices crumbled all around, casting their shattered fragments from the flanks and overhead. Storms of stone came to his flank, but he yawed to avoid them. A blast of glass flew from the windows of a domicile being crushed by a boulder, so he pitched below it and flew right past. From behind, a gush of liquefied metal poured from the walls of a melting building, shooting right to his back as a chunk of rock raced to him from the front. He rolled in the air and tucked himself at a 45-degree angle to the side, allowing the metal stream to blast the rocky piece to molten droplets.

DF – Anyone else get the feeling that this was written with the expectation of a movie deal later?
NW – zzzzzzzz…..

Chaos surrounded him, but he remained undaunted.

NW – Oh no! DF we’ve entered groundhog day! The book’s just repeating over and over until we get something right.

As the edifices ahead continued to topple, he pressed forth, thinking only of escape and survival.

NW – Too bad he didn’t think about it before he headed into the mess.
DF – Srsly, we could have skipped that whole escape scene.
NW – Both of them.



in a trail of exploding and collapsing buildings, he ripped past the crumbled city walls, heaving a plume of dust in his trajectory.

NW – That’s… not really a sentence.

For a second, he glimpsed the mossy plains and thought he was finally safe, but another atomic explosion struck the kingdom at its very heart, sending a wave of heated air across him. An outburst of dirt rolled against him, sending him reeling to the landscape outside his realm. His massive body hit the ground with a heavy thud, digging a giant groove into the moss-coated terrain.
Hitting a tree, he stopped.

DF – That’s generally to be expected when you hit a tree.
NW – That’s the only part of the above that makes any sense.

The trunk broke and collapsed on him, but it felt rather comforting compared to the scorching heat of battle.

NW – And the hundreds of nukes.

“Ughhh…” he groaned.

NW – I think we have a leader in our “understatement of the year” award.
DF – I would have thought it’d be the “Department of Redundancy Department” award.

Flinging the tree off himself, he looked to the distance again. The situation seemed familiar, since he was just here about fifteen minutes ago. Only then, he was ready to head into battle, not away from it.

NW – ‘He suddenly felt like Bill Murray. Doomed to live the same moment over and over again. It must have been the nukes.’
DF – One of those side effects of radiation that no one talks about.

In the horizon now, there was hardly anything left but smoldering devastation ringed by hellish blazes that were more blood red than any fire he had seen before.

DF – No more special fire plzkthnx.

It was going to be a while until the dragons could return to the kingdom. If ever.

NW – Assuming any dragons were still alive.
DF – I know. Didn’t they all throw themselves into the paths of the nukes and blow up just now?
NW – Can we throw this book into the path of a nuke?
DF – Without being killed by the explosion? I’m not sure we’re Sue/Stu enough.

Just then, a rumble of footsteps quaked the ground. Judging by their metallic resonance and their light pressure, he could tell that they were not of his own kindred.

NW – Well that and all his kindred were now the equivalent of bugs-on-windshield.

Rolling, he leapt behind a growth of shrubberies that just barely concealed him as he lay on his side. Through the webbed leaves, he could see what approached.

NW – I didn’t know shrubberies were nuke proof.
DF – Or all that easy to see through.

Metallic bodies marched toward the kingdom. Knights in shimmering armor and simian form headed to Drakemight, some on horses mounted and others on foot prepared.

DF – I’m getting tired of that writing style. It sounds like a really bad rendition of Yoda: ‘on horses mounted, some were.’
NW – Armor of lead, radiation protection, they wore.
DF – And then the horses died from having to carry all that weight.
NW – And the crippling radiation.

They held in their hominid gauntlets lances sharpened to their tips, crossbows locked and loaded with arrows, and halberds whetted to the finest edges. Indeed, the humans had never stooped so low, yet amassed so highly at the same time. This time, they actually stood a fighting chance. Nonetheless, Dennagon was not going to let them take his kingdom, no matter how many units they had.

NW – It’s just a crater now, let them have it.
DF – “No, wait! I think I can still see a building sta-” BOOM “…Never mind.”

It was irony that they always plagued his life whenever he made a promise.

NW – Then what should you stop doing?
DF – Funny, I don’t remember him making a promise when they attacked at the beginning of the first chapter.

Just by merely declaring his resolution to himself, he was expecting an entire legion of ten thousand men to storm the castle, thereby forcing him to fight nearly impossible odds. However, as they plodded forth, he saw the enemy forces in their entirety, and there were little more than a hundred strong.

DF – News flash, Denny; if you weren’t a Stu, those would still be impossible odds.
NW – Or he could wait and let them all cook alive in that armor when they reach the bombed and boiling city.
DF – Why are they going there, anyway?
NW – Why is never the right question with this book.

Cocking a brow, he decided to stay back to see what they were planning.

DF – So wait; if it were ten thousand men, he would go out on a suicide mission, but now that it’s a hundred and he feels he can take them, he’s going to hold back and see what they do? Isn’t that backward?
NW – Now the author can’t remember what he wrote a sentence ago.

One last unit backed up the rest of them. At first glance of its shadow, he thought it was a high-level magician and that for once, he would be able to face a challenge. As it came into full visibility though, it revealed itself to be a mounted knight no greater than any of the others.

NW – But then it turned out to be a magician in disguise and Denanananan was killed in his overconfidence.

Its tunic was more adorned with the symbols of gold, but other than that, it looked like an ordinary man. Even if it was a paladin, Dennagon was not certain what the humans were planning to accomplish with such a puny attack. Even hominids were not usually this dumb.

NW – But then he remembered that all the dragons had been wiped out with a massive nuclear strike and it all made sense.
DF – Nothing makes sense in this book.

A monstrous roar sounded. The paladin craned its neck back, shaking its head wildly from side to side. In a mechanized voice, it spoke.
“Increase mobilization speed. Annihilate everything.”

DF – Robot paladins!
NW – I always felt like the crusades were missing something.

The tone of its speech was droned, similar to that of an insect’s buzzing. It sounded synthetic, as if each of its vocal cords vibrated in tubes of metal.

DF – Isn’t that implied by “a mechanized voice”?
NW – The author laughs at such silly concepts like “continuity”. Not unlike Grant Morrison.

But how was that possible? Humans were of flesh and bone not unlike reptiles, avians and krakens. If this was a knight, it was certainly augmented with an enchantment.

NW – Or, it wasn’t a knight.
DF – Or, it was a robot knight.
NW – A Robight?

And the enchantment was viewable as the paladin turned his head again. Built into the back of its skull was a chip of metal lined with wires, circuits and mechanical nodes that he had no idea what to make of. Integrated into the very cerebrum of this creature, it was unlike anything in his private collection or the missiles he had examined at Drakemight. This enemy was perhaps their secret weapon, a new type of magician on the front lines.

NW – Medieval borg FTW.

Or was it? One more shadow followed it from behind, shaped like a creature that had a slithering neck and a serpentine head crowned with horns.

DF – “Shaped like a creature”? It sounds like it is a creature with those qualities.

Cocking its jaws open, it let out another roar, and it was then that he understood where the deafening clamor came from. It was a dragon. Amongst the enemy lines, there was a member of his own species, attacking the kingdom just like a human would. Now he knew there was something potent about his opponents, for few spells, save for those of draconic sorcery, had the puissance to coerce a serpentine intellect.

NW – Maybe he’s just as fed up with other dragons as you’ve been Denanananan, you hypocrite.
DF – But, but, but he’s better!

Dennagon shifted through the shrubberies, trying to get a closer look at the creature from which the reptilian umbra emerged, but as quickly as he moved, a stone struck him upon his cranium. He almost growled as he fell to the ground, clutching his aching skull. At first, he thought he had been hit by a catapult shot, but as he rolled onto his back, he looked up, only to see a wurm, a dragon with no limbs,

DF – As we learned in the prologue, this means the wurm is important.
NW – Nukes? Don’t hurt that bad. Stones? Bad headache.
DF – He needs to get his pain priorities straight.

slithering on the ground before him. Instantly, he reached for his sword, unsure of whether it was a comrade or adversary.

NW – Do comrades often bash your skull in?
DF – Considering what the other dragons in the collective thought of him…

The wurm picked up another stone, preparing to knock him over the head again.

NW – It picks something up without limbs?
DF – Maybe with his tail?



he was surprised at how quickly Dennagon rose, and backed down at the sight of the sword.
“Sorry, fellow,” said the wurm, “But this has to be done.”

DF – “This story is horrible enough, and it has to end before things get worse.” Aaaaaand Said Count is now 10.

It was an enemy. Dennagon delivered a cross-slash that grazed the shrubberies,

NW – The knights that say Ni began wheeping.

yet completely missed the target, which hopped into the air like a coiled spring. Dizzily, he tried to turn around, but by that time, it was too late. The second stone already hit him in the forehead.
He flopped over, unconscious. The wurm poked him with the end of his tail to make sure he was out cold.

DF – Uh, this story is in third person limited, not third person omniscient. If Dennagon is unconscious, that should be it until he wakes up again.
NW – Kind of a wuss having survived all those nukes and then be taken out by a simple rock.
DF – Is it horrible of me to say that I kind of like the wurm right now? I mean, I know that’ll change eventually.
NW – If he keeps beating up Denananan it won’t.

“You’ll feel better when you wake up. Or maybe you won’t. Or maybe-”
The wurm shut himself up. Wrapping his limbless body around Dennagon’s comatose soma,

NW – Soma? The body of an organism as contrasted with its germ cells?
DF – That’s some powerful disinfectant.

he dragged him silently into the night. All the while, the human hordes rampaged into the remnants of Drakemight, followed by the beast that backed them up. The gargantuan tremors shook the ground as it marched, dark as the night without a star.

DF – And then everybody except the wurm (and the robot, I guess) died of radiation poisoning.

Dennagon’s worst nightmare had come true. In the midst of war, he could now only dream.

DF – Oh, no
NW – This isn’t a war, it’s a massacre.
DF – No, I mean there’s probably going to be another stupid dream sequence!

The bounds of the World were converging. In a landscape rife with archaic verdure,


dinosaurs traipsed the terrain, killing at unwilled instinct, surviving for the sake of survival.

NW – That’s true of all life without self-awareness.
DF – Because it works. Not perfectly, but it does let the species survive.

Tyrannosaurus rexes trampled triceratopses whilst plesiosaurs roamed the seas with sharks and prehistoric fish.

DF – I…I’m not sure what to think of this. It’s actually…kind of accurate, for once.
NW – Except I don’t think T rexes really trampled trikes.
DF – Thank you, Nate! I can live normally again!

Slaying and breeding, breeding and slaying were the only two things that went on during this era, the Age of Reptiles. The World was ruled by animals,

DF – Technically, it still is. Unless we’ve started serving fungal overlords and nobody told me. insert Radioactive Mushroom Regime comment here

unknowing of why they behaved in such a manner, yet continually acting on the whims of their unconscious. Were they weak or just ignorant? Probably both.

NW – Yep, they need to get off their tails and evolve consciousness already.

After an apocalyptic asteroid raged across the lands,

DF – I’m pretty sure asteroids don’t rage across the land, apocalyptic or not. They normally just slam into it at full speed, assuming they make it through the atmosphere.
NW – An atmosphere of a thousand miles!!!!
DF – Begins with a single breath?

only the peons of animals survived, evolving into yet another species of beasts – men. Men who were so easily tainted by avarice and cowardice dominated the planet, infesting it with their greed and bloodlust.

DFTheir greed and bloodlust? You just admitted that there were plenty of animals that did nothing but kill and eat whatever they could long before people showed up. Heck, even the ‘superior’ dragons were hoarding knowledge for themselves and killing humans left and right.
NW – Earth was so great before those stupid humans.

Their technological contagion spread throughout the globe, computers lining every inch of the sky down to the very planetary core, creating a gargantuan multicellular organism composed of multicellular organisms.

DF – How is this bad, exactly?
NW – Dual core computers don’t mean that.

In their mechanical flare, they were stuck in the middle of time, along with the observer that watched them in the dreams.

DF – Why?
NW – The middle of time is called the present.
DF – Then why mention that they’re stuck there? We’re all automatically stuck there regardless of what time we’re living in.

Thence, the middle of time burned, the simian realm melting amidst cybernetic havoc.


another center of time sprung forth.

DF – Two presents! It’s like Christmas!

The Middle Ages covered the lands in mystical topography as imaginative as it was majestic. However, even its majesty bore a dark essence that could neither be seen nor heard, only felt. Mana brimmed around the magical brain of the World, Gaia manifested in the form of the liquid of life bubbling around the souls of every conscious being.

NW – Ah, there’s our Star Wars reference.
DF – Mana = The Force?
NW – Pretty much.

It stretched far indeed, for everything in the World and Universe was as conscious as any life form, biological as the creatures on the earth and the sun that let them thrive.

The universe does not work that way!

These were medieval times, a time of chivalry and honor, an era of darkness and dusk, an endless string of eons


bound together in an undifferentiated chain of the temporal realm. They were the only realm that could be known of by beings of the dark age.

DF – Are you even saying anything anymore?
NW – It’s the babel fish game!
DF – He translated it to something else with babel fish before writing it in English?
NW – That’s the game.
DF – You can do that with writing a book, though? That explains so much.

Whilst creatures traversed the terrain like shadows on a dune under the dark blue sky, a murky cloud loomed over all existence. The onyx sky charred the vision for all, even more ominous than the jet blackness that smote the dinosaurs in their animalistic mortality.

NW – I thought we were in medieval time.
DF – Who can really tell what’s going on anymore?
NW – Even stoners are at a lost.

Thunder as black as the depths of vacuum space

NW – Because sound has color.
DF – Dennananana must have Synesthesia

scarred the heavens against the silver clouds, bleeding dark flames to the surface below. Albeit, this was no meager prophecy, for there was no future to be foretold in the fields forbidden to temporal flow. It was the present, the past and what was to come.

DF – Ignore common sense, folks; what is to come =/= the future.

It was the word unsaid, the term untold, for everyone knew.

NW – The latter is impossible with the former.

As ebony flames ripped across the dominions and oceans, a ghastly shadow formed over all. A mechanized dragon soared over the world, its biotechnological eyes scanning everything that lived so that its cybernetic brain could process the info underneath its metal-plated body. The knowledge of the World, liquid in sable saturation, boiled out from the earthly mantle up to the surface, drowning out the lands and seas in a sheet of oily residue.

NW – Nothing in the above works like that
DF – Exactly.

All creatures struggled against it, but not even the most adept warriors could survive this evil tide. The mechanical dragon swept over the jetty waves, surveying its subjects as they were battered under the currents of hellish raven bleakness.

DF – You know what, to heck with it.

It was difficult to tell the difference between the eve sky and the knowledge-coated planet, for even the stars of the Universe burnt with the same inky fire that floated along the surface of the murky flux. The light of the sun also became black, firing dark streams of purely ebony lasers down to the earth to kill everything in its range. Soon, nothing thought, and thus, nothing lived.

DF – I don’t see single-celled organisms having much trouble living. Anyway, let me try to get this straight; ignorance is bad/weakness, while knowledge is evil/will kill you?
NW – Apparently the author has just thrown up his hands and said “I don’t know.”
DF – Then why is there more book after this?
NW – Well that’s no reason to stop writing.

The mechanized dragons dominated the air between the heavens and the knowledge-ridden lands. In the devastation, they all bore the same thought on their minds. They all knew what they were hunting.
“Dennagon”. They knew the name, but were unaware of the nature of the creature to which it was assigned.

DF – So they actually don’t know what they’re hunting, then.
NW – Is this prehistoric or medieval or 20 minutes into the future?
DF – It’s a dream sequence, so it could be any or all of the above.
NW – Never has a book so needed musical cues.

Dennagon the lone sentry was still somewhere on the terrains unwashed by information, and he was the only thing that stood in their way.

DF – Of course he was.
NW – I should try taking baths in information.
DF – Are you hoping that would help you understand this book?
NW – No I’d have to bathe in opiates for that.

Like a pebble lodged in the gears of the omnipotent machine of time, he was disrupting everything, yet they could not find him. Nonetheless, they soon would. As long as he was alive, they could feel him, and his doom was not far.
Time moved forward again, as it always did.

DF – Not in this book, it doesn’t.
NW – Oh he taunts us with Denananan’s death…

Dennagon wrenched open his eyes,

DF – Looks like the wurm is going to have to hit him harder next time.

terrified at the visions that bombarded his mind. In horror, he roared, blood and sweat

DF – Go ahead, Nate.
DF – Thank you, Nate.

dripping from the gashed scales of his battle-scarred body. Feverishly, he scurried about, trying to flee from the tides of darkness that loomed in his imagination, snarling aghast at every plant leaf that he saw. Despite his terrorized posture, the dark ocean of his dreams only existed as dreams, and nothing more. It took him a second to realize that fact.

NW – Well that’s a new record for his thought process.

“Where am I?! What is time?! Certainty lies in one’s mind, but how can I know anything for certain?!”

DF – “And why am I asking stupid questions like these when I’m supposed to be scared out of my mind?!”
NW – It’s a new game, shout random questions. “What is the meaning of orange!”
DF – “Why did this author think he could write?!”

his random thoughts rambled. “Why am I talking to myself?”

NW – Why are you so sure you’re by yourself?
DF – Why would anyone else want to listen to him?
NW – Yet another way this book is so unrealistic.

After a second, his breaths calmed. Looking around, he noticed that the verdure was inverted so that all tree branches lurked around the ground like roots and all tree trunks and roots poked up toward the sky, which was littered with stars.

DF – Because that’s not inefficient at all, nope.
NW – Eng must just hate gravity.
DF – Well, at least these trees are on the ground, apparently. But neither these nor the trees from the prologue were getting nutrition from their roots, so he must actually hate trees.

Shrubberies adorned some floating patches of land above, hanging transposed like the larger plant life that surrounded it. At first, he thought that he himself was positioned upside-down, but then noticed that the force of gravity still drew him down feet first. The entire woodland was upside-down.

DF – I bet a wizard did it, right?
NW – thousand to 1 odds.

This must have been the Pedorian Forest.

DF – That, or Denananana has gone insane. pause More insane.

A stark contrast to the enshrouding foliage suddenly appeared as his wurmy captor dangled over him, facing him with a goofy expression.
“You’re not talking to yourself,” answered Dradicus, the wurm.

DF – Hey, it’s Dradicus!
NW – Sweet, now this will rock.
DF – Literally?

Faster than lightning, Dennagon grabbed the opponent by the throat and slammed him into a ground-dwelling canopy. Dradicus’ googly pupils ringed around his rounded eyes disoriented.

DF – Hey, another reason for me to like him! Dennananana hates him! And he has googly eyes!
NW – Yep, dragons never fight amongst themselves.
DF – Seriously. Why can’t the humans be this peaceful?

“Ah!” he screamed. “Watch the scales! I just cleaned myself and that’s hard to do when you don’t have limbs!”

NW – Ha ha he’s vain.

Dennagon had no intentions of complying.
“Do I know you?”
“You know nothing yet,” came a voice from behind.

NW – You know nothing- Hey! He stole our lines!
DF – It’s bad enough reading this monstrosity, now the characters are snarking for us?! …Wait.

Two more dragons entered the vicinity. One, a wyvern, grabbed him by his left shoulder while the other, an ouroboros, seized his right shoulder.

NW – What’s with all these creatures without hands grabbing stuff?
DF – Well, the author forgets every other detail in this book, so why not?

They yanked him off and threw him to the ground. Initially, he thought they were Arxinor and Gorgash, but then saw that they clearly bore differing attributes. The purple wyvern was much slimmer than the reddish Arxinor,

DF – And, y’know, purple. I’m also thinking that the apparent lack of metal parts might give this one away.

and the orangish ouroboros always kept his tail in his mouth, unlike the behemoth Gorgash.

NW – Quirky doesn’t work if it’s physically impossible.
DF – Actually, this is another of those rare things that are actually accurate.
NW – Then Gorgash wasn’t one was he?
DF – Nah, he’s a behemoth. Of course, the book never actually says what a behemoth is, even in the glossary, so I don’t know why he made the comparison.

Regardless of their appearance, nonetheless, Dennagon understood only one thing. They attacked him, and thus, were the enemy.
He reached for his scabbard, but his talon cut through thin air instead of clasping a hilt. His sword was gone. Surprised,

DF – Really?

he looked to see the ouroboros dangling it in its index claw, casually taunting him.
“Looking for this, vile sentry?” it asked.
The ouroboros whirled the blade around, his attacks fueled by the hatred of a hundred souls.

DF – How would you know what’s fueling it?
NW – Why are they waiting NOW to attack him?

Dennagon stolidly dodged as best he could, the metal flashing all around his body in merciless assaults. Although the wyvern snickered, this was no joke. They really were trying to kill him.

NW – Which would have been easier when he was unconsicous.

“We don’t like those who keep secrets,” noted the wyvern.
When he saw an opportune instant, he threw a backhand at his adversary. The ouroboros blocked with a forearm plate and returned a roundhouse punch. Dennagon parried the offense, catching the enemy by the wrist. They snarled in each other’s faces, about to finish each other off before two more dragons entered the scene.
“But I think we’ll make an exception in this case.”

DF – She’s ba~aaack!
NW – Cream count in 5… 4… 3…

snatched the sword away from the ouroboros’ grasp. They all backed off as a mutilated elder hydra followed her into the grove. She walked to her captive, her bluish scales still shimmering

DF – Sparkle Count or Cream Count?
NW – It’s a twofer! Cream Count: 4
DF – Sparkle Count: 3

as if she had not even taken the slightest damage from her fall off the cloud.

NW – She cast slow fall.
DFRPG Cliche #143 – Falling Rule:

“An RPG character can fall any distance onto anything without suffering anything worse than brief unconsciousness. In fact, falling a huge distance is an excellent cure for otherwise fatal wounds — anyone who you see shot, stabbed, or mangled and then tossed off a cliff is guaranteed to return later in the game with barely a scratch.”

DF – In closing, SUUUUUUUUE.

Dennagon wasn’t certain what to make of her apparent survival, let alone everything else he had seen within the past day. She should have been dead, but she walked as lively as any healthy drake.

NW – No scars?
DF – Falling Rule, remember?

“You’ll have to excuse my comrades,” she started. “As you probably guessed, we’re cautious around members of the draconic collective. I’m sure your lord told you about our treachery, of course.”
Dennagon spit out a wad of silver slaver.

DF – Either he’s actually spitting out blood, or all of a dragon’s bodily fluids are silver.
NW – That could be a clever story. Humans go around killing dragons because their bodies actually have valuables in them.
DF – It’s been done, except that the dragon’s body parts were powerful magic components/cures and therefore very valuable. In the series I’m thinking of, anyway.

Although it was a very pedestrian and lowly gesture, he had to discard any knocked-out fangs before he swallowed them and scraped his own throat.

DF – Funny; cats don’t have that problem. Then again, they are superior, as was mentioned in the last chapter.
NW – Or sharks. And they lose their teeth a LOT.
DF – Considering some of the other things sharks will eat, teeth are probably the least of their worries.

“You’re Errants. Dissidents,” he stated. “What do you want with me? Actually, it doesn’t matter, since I’ll die before handing anything over, but just for the sake of quelling my curiosity, what is it that you want? Rations? Recon? Knowledge? What?!”

NW – But he’s a deviant too. Oh the irony!
DF – “No, Mister Dennagon. I want you to die.”

Lyconel’s reply was as calm as a spring breeze.
Dennagon looked at her. His eyes were straighter than the path of the fastest light ray.
She nodded.
“You want me and only me, nothing more. What is this? The Draconic Inquisition?!”

DF – Nobody expects the Draconic Inquisition!
NW – Their chief weapon is surprise.

he blared with squinted eyes and shrugged shoulders. “Go ahead, blackmail the collective! See how far you get before a thousand laughs pass your ears.

DF – Kind of hard to blackmail them, seeing as they’re all dead and all.
NW – And he’s hated by most of them.

They want me back as much as they want to suck the bladder of an incontinent minotaur.”

DF – More imagery I could have lived without!
NW – Now the angry video game nerd has invaded.

Lyconel wagged her index claw.
“Oh, no, no, no. You really don’t get it. We come not in malice, Dennagon. We’re here to help.”
“Well, if you want to help, start by getting out of my way.”

NW – “or by not attacking me”
DF – But that part helps us readers.

He headed for the forest depths, but the ouroboros stamped a foot in his way. Another fight was about to break out.
“Nomax, back off,” commanded Lyconel.
The ouroboros, Nomax, reluctantly complied.

NW – Thanks, because that wasn’t clear at all.
DF – I never would have guessed that Nomax was the ouroboros.

“Look, Dennagon, if you want to know the truth, the attack on Drakemight was not meant for the elimination of data,” she continued.
“What else does man crave, aside from gold? Humans do not think, which is why they seek to destroy all knowledge.”

NW – Wouldn’t then all creatures not thinking try and destroy data?
DF – How would they even know what knowledge is? It’s like some guy who was blind all his life trying to destroy color.
NW – Die blue die!

“The words you speak are truthful, but tell not the entire story. The attack you just witnessed was brought about for an even more secretive purpose.”
Dennagon crossed his talons and listened. For some reason, he thought this was going to be entertaining.

DF – I don’t know why, since the only remotely entertaining things in this book so far were the Apple iOrb and the fight between him and Lycanol.
NW – So now ‘talons’ == arms?
DF – It means whatever the author wants it to mean.
NW – Well he can go talon himself!

“Long ago,” Lyconel spoke with a deepened tone, “when the World was first spawned, there was a point that encompassed all moments in time. That point was the center of all being and it was that that the sapiens truly desired.”
A yawn.

NW – ….dammit stop stealing our lines!

“I’ve heard the myths.”
Lyconel could tell that her one-dragon audience was losing interest,

DF – Really? But he was so subtle about it!
NW – As subtle as the atomic bombs earlier.
DF – I know! How do you think she figured it out?

so she pulled out from her belt a sleek metal weapon. Tipped with a cylindrical barrel, it was composed mainly of a firing mechanism, a chamber and a breech system that was mounted with a retractable tripod. Connected to the chamber was a magazine of ammunition that contained several rounds of leaden bullets ready to be fired. Her claw on the trigger, she held it as a human would, pointing it up for safety.

NW – How would a gun designed for humans fit into a much larger dragon’s?
DF – A wizard did it.
NW – Stupid wizards, there should be a law.
DF – So they can break it like all the physical laws?

Dennagon tilted his gaze, unknowing of what the 20th century machinegun was.

DF – Please note that this was invented by a species that supposedly ‘does not think’.

“They’ve already tapped into the source of time. Already, their powers are beginning to grow.

NW – I think the source of time would be ultimate power.
DF – Assuming time even has a source.
NW – That would have made the beverly hillbillies more interesting. “And up from the ground came a bubbling time.”
DF – And then they break the universe.
NW – Stupid rednecks.

That’s how they managed to initiate that onslaught so easily. And that’s not where they’ll stop.”
She gestured to the wyvern.
Lefius, the wyvern,

DF – Oh, and just in case you weren’t aware, Lefius is the wyvern.
NW – Wow!

cast a metal helm into the air. Lyconel unleashed a stream of bullets at it, rattling the firearm in her grasp. Explosive crackling filled the atmosphere as a volley of gunfire tore the helm apart and dropped Dennagon’s jaw. All that was left was shrapnel that fell to the ground and the smoke from the machinegun’s barrel.

DF – “Then she pointed the gun at Dennagon.”
NW – “And pulled the trigger, the end.”

“This is but a sample of their capabilities. No sorcery can battle the tides of temporal flow if their powers continue to expand. Only the dragons have the intelligence to bring upon them doom. We evolved to be the most advanced species in heart and mind,


and for that we act as their bane. It’s thence our responsibility to stop them from attaining the center of time.”
Dennagon stooped to view the machinegun’s engineering. It was so complex in his eye, even more complicated than the grand clock towers of Glackus, kingdom of the thunderbirds. Gears wound about churning tubes filled with a dusty, unidentified powder, all centered around a seemingly important hammer positioned behind the loaded bullets. He was sincerely impressed with the artful construction, even though he didn’t fully understand it.

DF – And again, this from a species that is supposedly unable to think.
NW – Unable to think but can get the center of time.
DF – We should have a Not Stupid Count, for every time the humans do something (or we’re told they do something) that would be impossible if they’re as stupid as the dragons claim. But then we’d be tallying it every five seconds.
NW – It’d be OVER NINE THOUSAND just in this chapter.

However, he was not as impressed with the weak story his captor had concocted.
“Every being with enough brain cells,”

NW – Haven’t you been saying that humans don’t have enough brain cells?

he uttered with an air of arrogance, “knows that we, the dragons, are the keepers of wisdom. Certainly, we are beyond the meager whims of the humans,

DF – I have yet to see proof of this.

and it is undoubtedly our duty to keep them under control. Yet, I hardly believe that their ‘powers’, what little they have,

DF – They turned your city into a crater, how’s that?

were a result of tapping into the source of time, unless you meant to say that time granted them enough evolutionary strength to develop into such vileness.” Despite Lyconel’s groans and rolled eyes,

NW – She speaks for the audience!
DF – As have many of the characters. It’s almost as if they’re aware of how stupid this book is!

he resumed in rubbing his point in. “You’re a nice story teller, but I’m afraid you’re not a very convincing general. So if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a kingdom to return to,

NW – Not any more. Zing!

as well as some knowledge to collect.”
“They aren’t trying to destroy knowledge. They intend to annihilate the one thing that can stop them – the Lexicon.”

NW – Which has knowledge.
DF – Or definitions, anyway.

There it was again. That accursed word that nearly prevented him from meeting with the lord Drekkenoth many hours ago. He wouldn’t have it.
“Is that why you brought me here?! Don’t you think I have better things to do than kill you all?! I’m a defender of Drakemight!”

NW – Well you were. Zing!
DF – So you were late for an appointment, it’s not that big a deal!

She gestured to Lefius again. The wyvern drew a crossbow and fired a shot upward. The arrow hit a sheet of foliage above, scattering the leaves in the air to reveal the sky. Although the stars twinkled against the night backdrop, the ashes of Drakemight

DF – How does he know that’s what they are?
NW – I thought the trees were upside down.
DF – There are bushes and stuff up there near the roots, though. Of course, they’re attached to floating patches of ground.

still lingered in the atmosphere like blackened stellar entities. The heart-shattering truth fell upon him as if the earth were ripped right out from under his feet.

DF – Ohhhhh, no. I’ll let you tug on my heartstrings once, but I’m not falling for it again.

It was such an impact that Lyconel could not help but utter it.
“Drakemight is no more.”

NW – Shouldn’t he know? Wasn’t he there?
DF – He’s in denial.

Dennagon stoically accepted the obviousness of it all. Like a warrior, he bore the pain without a single frown to show for it.

NW – C’mon… a single tear… go for the Stu trifecta.

“Believe us or don’t. You haven’t a home to return to.”
Lyconel held out a blue talon.
“Follow us and we can take you to the only hope you have left. Or you can wander the lands, an errant of a species fallen.”

DFWILL Dennananana take Lycanol up on her offer? WILL they save the Lexicon? WILL we ever actually care? Find out (or not) next time, in part 4b of Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate Spork!
NW – Scarier words have never been spoken.

Tagged as:


  1. Matty Lee on 16 March 2009, 22:14 said:

    Brilliant, just f’ing brilliant.

    But where’s Snuggles? :(

    Oh well, Witness Protection will treat him well.

  2. scary_viking on 17 March 2009, 00:24 said:

    “Velocity is distance multiplied by time,” he reminded himself.

    Is there an actual reason that you guys didn’t bash this statement like no other? If velocity were distance multiplied by time, we would probably measure speed in ‘meter seconds’ and ‘mile hours.’

    To get technical, average velocity over a displacement interval is the change in displacement divided by the change in time.

  3. The Drunk Fox on 17 March 2009, 00:40 said:

    Because the fact that he was saying it at all in the middle of his city being nuked and his fellow dragons being slaughtered distracted us?

  4. falconempress on 17 March 2009, 06:15 said:

    Allow me to take this moment for a public service announcement. Most people believe that atomic bombs consist of only radiation. While the atomic part is very important, please stop forgetting the word BOMB in the title. There are EXPLOSIONS involved. Explosions kill people. Hence the popularity of grenades.

    pure brilliance XD

    thank you for this delightful spork:)

  5. Nate Winchester on 17 March 2009, 06:18 said:

    Scary_viking, there’s so much wrong throughout this, it’s tough to catch all of it. Besides, we like to be generous and give opportunities for the audience to participate.

    P.S. I’ll post today’s writing tips a little later so this excellent work can enjoy the front page for a day.

  6. Ari on 17 March 2009, 06:24 said:


    Hear that sound? It’s me, screaming, all the way from China, as my faith in humanity is slowly sucked into a swirling vortex of everlasting oblivion….or something like that.

    I’m not sure how this thing got published. DDD: But really, this was so funny. I loved the part with all the sexual innuendo in it, and the picture of Inigo.

    And I honestly think you should have a Not Stupid count. Or just one for the major parts, yes?

  7. SlyShy on 17 March 2009, 11:08 said:

    This book doesn’t ever get better, does it? Your endurance is the stuff of legends, now.

  8. Screamingfangirl on 17 March 2009, 12:52 said:

    I’d like to send this guy a dictionary. With the words “talon”, “alas”, and the entire grammar section highlighted.
    And my high school physics textbook while I’m at it.
    On second thought, that may be too difficult for him. How did this guy manage to get through college?

  9. SlyShy on 17 March 2009, 14:48 said:

    He didn’t. He was enrolled in NYU for a while, until he was expelled from the school.

    Bit of a stain on NYU’s reputation, if you ask me.

  10. Spanman on 17 March 2009, 15:14 said:

    Amazing. Just amazing.

    Like SlyShy said, your endurance is the stuff of legend. I salute you. XD

  11. LucyWannabe on 17 March 2009, 15:58 said:

    Wowww…excellent work, folks. I don’t think I would’ve been able to sit through this crap, and I actually read Twilight! (Granted, it was in small chunks because it was too painful for a long sit-down, but this mess is even WORSE).

    I love the Inigo and More You Know moments, hehe.

  12. Snow White Queen on 17 March 2009, 18:08 said:


    Sorry, love the Princess Bride. As usual, genius spork. Yes, please do include a Not Stupid count. That would be fantastic.

  13. CGilga on 17 March 2009, 18:18 said:

    Eng’s work made me suicidal. The snippets of Inigo made it almost bearable. Your comments made it worth reading.

  14. Kieuemo on 17 March 2009, 18:31 said:

    I didn’t realize that a person could get “Alas” wrong that many times. I don’t think that it’s been used even once correctly.

  15. Snow White Queen on 17 March 2009, 19:30 said:

    No, I think he used it right.


  16. Screamingfangirl on 17 March 2009, 19:52 said:

    Oh yeah. I remember reading about that.
    Maybe the correct question is: How did he get through high school?

  17. SlyShy on 17 March 2009, 21:03 said:

    A high school diploma is hardly a credential anymore in America…

  18. SubStandardDeviation on 17 March 2009, 21:52 said:

    Is that Futurama?

    And yay Princess Bride! *wants to run everyone in the book through The Machine

  19. Travithian on 18 March 2009, 03:00 said:

    Hilarious. I’m impressed you guys can wade through all that without drowning in the purple…seriously, what is with those utterly ridiculous adjectives? How many more synonyms with “black” can Eng come up with/find in the thesasarus? O_O

  20. OverlordDan on 18 March 2009, 07:07 said:

    All of them <:(

    Great job, looking forward to the next one.

  21. Shadowheart on 18 March 2009, 12:15 said:

    Alright, I’m just a lurker here, but I still feel kind of embarrassed about these articles. Since nobody else is saying what I’m thinking I’ll do it myself.

    Generally I like ImpishIdea because it proves that people aren’t all the same kind of fools. Not that sporking makes you clever, but at least you make an effort.

    But the whole reason for doing it is that Meyer and Paolini get a lot of money, praise and fans for their bad books. Some people actually think they’re good. Nobody likes Eng’s books, except maybe Eng.

    Not only that, but from what I’ve read it seems Eng is an actual crazy person. Now, crazy people may be funny, but you don’t make fun of them. You can laugh, but you don’t point and laugh.

  22. Nate Winchester on 18 March 2009, 13:29 said:

    Not only that, but from what I’ve read it seems Eng is an actual crazy person. Now, crazy people may be funny, but you don’t make fun of them. You can laugh, but you don’t point and laugh.

    Having been around some genuinely crazy people I can say: you’re right. But then, Eng is trying to say (at least by his writings) that not only is he not crazy, but he’s the smartest person that ever lived.

    Let me put it this way, if you had no knowledge about the author (like me), what would be your opinion of this sporking?

  23. SlyShy on 18 March 2009, 14:16 said:

    But the whole reason for doing it is that Meyer and Paolini get a lot of money, praise and fans for their bad books. Some people actually think they’re good. Nobody likes Eng’s books, except maybe Eng.

    Well, yes and no. I’ve had a lot of trouble getting people to understand this about ImpishIdea. This site is not a recoil against the popularity or the success of the writer. In fact, I try and remove the work from the author, so that my criticism aren’t tainted by personal attacks. Much of the former movement was tainted by accusations of jealousy or envy. I think we should be different. We should evaluate each and every book irregardless of the author’s personal circumstances. A book is a book, no matter who wrote it. The purpose of this site is to make an example of bad writing, to point out mistakes so that these mistakes are easier to spot in your own writing. I know for a fact that my writing from just a year ago was bad. In fact, I think my writing is still bad. The only way to get ahead is continual improvement. Now, then, you might wonder, why is it we mainly criticize Twilight and Inheritance? Because it’s the quickest return on investment. We want to criticize widely read series, that people will likely be familiar with. What are widely read but bad series? Inheritance and Twilight. Through these examples, I think we can do a lot of productive work. It’s got more to do with the wide reader base than to do with the level of success Stephanie Meyer or Christopher Paolini have achieved. It is regrettable that they’ve made their money through the distribution of questionable writing, but our task is not to punish them for it, rather to learn from it.

    Not only that, but from what I’ve read it seems Eng is an actual crazy person. Now, crazy people may be funny, but you don’t make fun of them. You can laugh, but you don’t point and laugh.

    So what I’m getting at is, I don’t care whether Eng is crazy, sane, rich, poor, Asian, Black, White, Hispanic, a dragon, a unicorn, or a faery. Evaluation of a book shouldn’t have anything to do with him as a person.

    Having said that, I find him to be a rather unfortunate person. Somewhat of an anti-role-model.

    I hope that has illuminated some aspect of my thought on the subject. I admit, I haven’t been carefully monitoring the content on this site since I’ve gotten busy with my university studies, so it’s possible antithetical ideas have gotten onto the site by accident. As the site matures, the content will have to as well, of course. I’d be delighted to see sporking take a more constructive turn, although it does cramp a lot of poeple’s style somewhat. I think it’s possible to be funny and constructive, but I might be insane in the membrane.

  24. Dan Locke on 20 March 2009, 10:09 said:

    Please tell me that you didn’t just say “irregardless”. I had so much respect for you.

  25. Shadowheart on 29 March 2009, 13:31 said:

    But then, Eng is trying to say (at least by his writings) that not only is he not crazy, but he’s the smartest person that ever lived.

    Well, yeah, he would say that. You’re hardly going to change his mind about it, and nobody else takes his books seriously in the first place.

    My hypothetical opinion of this sporking would be the same as my actual opinion of sporking in general – pretty lame. Comedy is a lot like writing in that everyone seems to think they’ve got talent for it. It’s one thing entertaining yourself and your friends, it’s another to writing stuff down and presenting it to strangers.

    Plus, I like my humour with some context or content. Even MST3K at least has the conceit of characters in a story commenting on a movie as they see it. This is just a couple people on the internet going through a book at their leisure, forcing a joke out of every other line.

    Evaluation of a book shouldn’t have anything to do with him as a person.

    I don’t agree with that principle, but I guess it’s workable enough when it comes to the genre stuff ImpishIdea focuses on. I still think you’re dealing with an exception to the rule here. Sure, you can “evaluate” Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate as if it were written by a sane-ish person, but I don’t see what good that’s going to do anyone. Not to mention that Eng as a person is the only reason we’ve even heard of his books.

    I wasn’t saying there’s anything unethical about this, by the way. I just think it’s poor form.