Before we start, a couple of interesting notes about the last two parts of the book (the Prologue and first chapter) that I didn’t notice:

1) The wyvern from the prologue was using a rapier/foil (even though it has to be either one or the other…) and a plasma gun. Now, I looked through the glossary for the book, and a wyvern is defined as having four limbs; a pair of wings and a pair of legs. While this is actually accurate for once, if he has the typical dragonic wings then how is he manipulating the weapons?

2) The crystal ball answering machine had the first recorded message come on that day at 8:10, and the second on that day at 3:10. This implies that there’s some form of AM and PM time system splitting the day in half; otherwise, the 8:10 call would be the second one that day. After the fight, though, Dennagon notes that it’s evening, and the exact time is 18:29. Which, since they have a 30 hour day instead of 24, would imply that there is no such division in the system (since if it did, the time would have been something like 3:29 after whatever the division point is or something). So which is it?

Anyway, to the point. The previous chapters of this monstrosity can be found here, here, and here, for those who haven’t had the chance to read it. Nate Winchester is still working with me on this, and apparently there’s some kind of a surprise?

NW – I’ve also brought along my pet dragon wizard to help. His name is snuggles.

DF – Can I snuggle Snuggles?

S – No.

The Archive rested in the center of Drakemight, for it was the most important structure of the kingdom. It was a grand sphere of metal lined by stone that appeared strangely organic in structure, as it winded around iron chunks like nerves of rocky substance. Every dragon collected data for the purpose of storing it in this informational core, yet few often pondered why it appeared so odd.

DF – Considering that you live in a dodecahedron, Dennananana, I wouldn’t complain.
NW – I wonder what OS the dragons’ server uses.
DF – Python

No one in the medieval realm had ever experienced such erratic architecture,

DF – Hey, for all we know, it’s normal for your dragons to have acid-trips for buildings.
NW – So that’s the secret to dragon “flight”.
DF – Now that I think about it, it probably is.

not even the artists that manifested their surreal imagery in the forms of paintings and sculptures.

DF – Didn’t people like Lovecraft write about this sort of thing driving people insane?
NW – DF run! We’ve stumbled onto the Necronomicon!
DF – “Ia! Ia! The Goat With a Thousand Young! No!”

Then again, not everybody who questioned the dragon lord’s wisdom ever made it very far. He had secrets to keep, and he had a purpose in doing so.

DF – That’s not a very responsible use of information.
NW – Just one purpose for ALL of those secrets?

Thus, the Archive’s creation remained a mystery that was both beautiful and disturbing at the same time. Its walls were a marvel to look at, encompassing the craft of the ancient world and the craft of something yet unseen. Something almost…cybernetic…

DF – How would Dennananana know anything about cybernetics? Also, I bet I know who the dragon lord is.
S – Blarg! What happened to the architects?
NW – Well we’ve seen numerous pretentious mentions of time so I’m betting they’re from the future and haven’t built the structure – yet.

Inside the cognitive castle, the sacred Archive,

DF – I thought it was a sphere.
NW – You know, “By the power of the cognitive castle” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

millions upon millions of circular dishes floated

DF – I’d complain about gravity here, but really? After the physics abuse last chapter this really isn’t that surprising.
NW – Why didn’t he just say a trillion dishes?

throughout a gargantuan area that rivaled the cosmos in spaciousness.

DF – I’m finding that hard to believe, though.
NWcough
DF – I know, but still

Each one contained a gooey, soft, black orb

DF – Hey, the evil sentient heroin fish eggs are back! Yay!
S – Grrrr… This isn’t an archive! It’s a caviar party.

submerged in liquid crystal fluid that sparkled like sugary tar and swirled with countless megabytes of data –

DF – And he’s stopped using liters, too!
NW – mmmm… I prefer to have 2 lumps of sugar with my tar. Oh, and only MEGABYTES of data? Why not countless terabytes or zettabytes?
S – You made that last one up.
NW – Did not!

the speed of light, the Planck constant, the Schrodinger Wave Equation, the radius of a carbon atom, the structure of organic molecules – each bit of wisdom as important as the next.

DF – Knowledge =/= wisdom.
NW – “Look at me! I know science buzzwords!”

They were the embodiments of information transformed from the raw data essence that lined the World’s lands and air, to the core of the planet and beyond, collected by the dragons that lived to support the kingdom.

DF – Hundreds of years of hard work, study and testing went into discovering all these facts and theories and equations that the author has now turned into something that can be plucked out of the air and stuffed into a large fish egg. I don’t know about you guys, but I find that incredibly insulting.
NW – You’re just NOW incredibly insulted? I was insulted when he ruined robot dragons.

The orbs all looked like giant caviar, dripping with dark fluids from their supple surfaces as if to contain embryos and cerebral nutrition within shelled walls of savory, salty substance.

DF – And that’s lovingly described to the point of being disgusting.
NW – Called it!

And assuredly, they were just as tasty as they appeared. The dragon lord promised so, and so they would be.

DF – I would like to amend my earlier statement. The author has turned it into something that can be plucked out of the air, stuffed into a fish egg, and eaten. Also, that doesn’t sound tasty at all.
NW – I hope the dragon lord puts proper nutrition information on those things. I hear data can be fattening. This is what we also call “overdoing the metaphor”.

Dragon sentries amassed in the hundreds, returning from a hard day’s work. Black orbs magically appeared in empty dishes, sent via conjury from domiciles within the city. Those that didn’t feel like expelling mana just physically dropped off their daily collections by coming there themselves. Afterwards, elders tended to each of the newly added inventory, careful with each and every morsel of information that was cropped off. Nothing could be wasted, for although they had the data in their possession now, the knowledge was still not safe.

DF – Then you shouldn’t have made it delicious.
NW – I give the odds a billion to 1 that some of them are not ‘sharing’.

Not until it was consumed.

DF – Oh.
NW – All this great technology and no one has heard of backups?
DF – I guess the dragons are the backups.

Amongst the throngs, Dennagon flew, once again feeling sick at having to remain with all of his low-life colleagues. What made him even sicker, however, was the thought that he was now half an hour off schedule from his appointed time to encounter the master that endowed him life in the first place. Passing through the lanes of floating dishes, he hurriedly bustled through the crowd, trying not to knock anything over as he moved. His reputation was already falling apart as it was.

DF – That’s not what I heard last chapter.
NW – Narrative disconnect. The knowledge is precious to the dragons but they’re just letting it float around in the middle of a bustling metropolis where anyone might bump into it? Is it really that precious?
S – Sounds like we need to invest in some of those tubes they use at the bank.

As he moved, his eyes sometimes wandered to the dark, wet spheres that were spread throughout the realm. At the sights, his mouth watered and his tongue slithered, longing for the flavor of knowledge, thirsty for the sanguine sapidity of information. When he was younger and had just taken up the art of the sword, he used to sample the black orbs that the collective gave him. Indeed, they tasted richer than the most concentrated vanilla flowers on the planet.

DF – Since when have vanilla flowers been salty and savory?
NW – Since when does knowledge have a taste? I wonder what wikipedia tastes like. Or TV tropes.
DF – I don’t know about Wikipedia’s flavor, but TV Tropes probably tastes like concentrated awesome.

Their savor must have become embossed in his unconscious like the scars on his scales, leading his pupils to the ebony caviar like magnets to metal.
With great strength, he wrenched his mind away from them. He knew they tasted like the finest bloody meat

DF – I thought they tasted like flowers?
NW – Bloody meat flowers!

whilst sending surges of orgasmic information

NW – My eyes!
DF – The goggles do nothing! …And there went our safe for everyone rating.
NW – We’d like to apologize to everyone, everywhere.
DF – We’d like to do that anyway, actually.

to one’s head. He knew they were accepted by the majority as the only way to salvage the World’s intelligence and to achieve success. Nevertheless, he had to stop longing for them. Deep in his thoughts, he was aware that there was something not quite right about them,

DF – Something not quite right about what? The evil sentient heroin fish eggs? Nah, you’re imagining things.
NW – Women which are pregnant or may become pregnant should not take Evil Sentient Heroin Fish Eggs. People with heart or liver conditions should consult their doctor before taking ESHFE. If you grow a second head, go to the hospital immediately.

and he would not let himself resort to indulgence before figuring out what that was. For many years now, he had been starving, living off frozen carrion hunted in second-rate forests, and it would probably be many more years until he could again quench his desire. He would not stray from his path, even if it was agonizing.

NW – “He knew that only he could get the ESHFE to Mt Doom and toss them into the fires…”
DF – Every time you compare this book to Lord of the Rings, God feeds a kitten to Snuggles.

Something jarred him. Another draconic sentry bumped him in the shoulder, nearly pushing him into a dish. At first, he thought it was accidental, but then he saw who it was.
“How’s it going, Dennagon?” asked Thargon sarcastically.

DF – I almost liked Thargon, but then I remembered he was in this book.
S – See? They need those bank tubes.

Dennagon cast a stone-cold glance at his mocking “comrade”. Several more draconic sentries surrounded him, glaring at him with disgust. Their words, like poison, shot at him.
“Still on a diet?”
“Wow, you look like you’ve lost a lot of weight.”
“From your reduced brain size.”

DF – I’m sorry, are they in kindergarten or something?
NW – Dennagon will now reply with the ancient wisdom of, “I am rubber, you are glue…”

They enjoyed a good laugh, clasping their talons around each other’s shoulders in grouped conformist ardor.

NW – Why does this author insist on repeating what he previously said before? It gets quite repetitive and redundant.
DF – My theory is that he thinks everybody reading his book is an idiot.

“I take it you didn’t get my message,” continued Thargon.
“Of course I received it. Why do you think I didn’t come to the wisdom meeting?”
“Heh, heh. You’re at a loss, my friend. Knowledge is power, and power is what matters in life. Right?”
“You’re one to speak. Especially when I collect more knowledge in a day than you can collect in a lifetime.”
Everyone stopped laughing. More sentries gathered, all drawing their weapons in insulted demeanor.

DF – This scene conflicts with the first chapter.

Thargon drew a halberd.
“It’s a small World. We’ll find you eventually.”
“Why find me? I’m already here.”

DF – For once, Dennananana actually has a point.
NW – Trying to imagine this scene hurts my brain.

Dennagon drew his own sword.
“If you want to kill me, give me your best shot,” he challenged.
The brutish comportment of his antagonistic colleagues lessened at the sight of his weapon. Attempting to maintain their masculinity, they shirked,

DF – Okay, that’s it. Somebody go take away the author’s thesaurus.
NW – Forget that, someone take away his music track listings before we get a song & dance number.

hiding their cowardice behind euphemistic visages.

DF – I don’t believe I’ve ever seen one of those.

Thargon spit out reptilian slaver.

DF – Thargon SMASH!

“You might be the best sentry now,” he said. “But persistence wears away any challenge. In time, when we have enough knowledge, we will breeze through this globe like gods amongst gods. You will remain a pawn, shadowed in nothingness until eternity croaks. Then, we’ll see who has the last laugh, my friend.”

DF – All that, despite being behind Denny by an almost unbelievably significant amount?
NW – Aren’t they also pawns?
DF – They’re better pawns than he is, though.
NW – … Go ahead.
S – Their power levels are over 9,000!!!
DFcrunches scouter …Ohwait, that was your line, wasn’t it?
NW – He’ll get over it.

With that, they sheathed their weapons and flew off. Thargon snatched an orb from a dish and gladly licked it up, letting its rich juices spill over his tongue. The fluids seethed into his abdomen, coursing through his veins and nerves as he drank. Every morsel of its information gradually appeared in his eyes as flashing glints of light surrounded by dark haloes whilst the data was assimilated into the very fabric of is brain. Physical laws, astronomical constants and chronological facts filled his consciousness. His smirk gleamed in Dennagon’s eyes in an attempt to swarm him with jealousy, an attempt that was fueled by intense jealousy in itself. Dennagon, however, cared little for the thoughts of such insignificant beings. He knew the future did not belong to them, for if there was anything that was certain in the World, it was that he created his own future. Thence, he moved on
As he reached the top of the environment, he neared a colossal throne that stood at the apex of all. Currents of illumined magic

DF – I can’t help but notice he still has that thesaurus.
NW – Don’t you feel sorry for the dragon that got the “Eat at Joe’s” ESHFE?
DF – Probably, yes, but I’ll feel sorry for anyone at this point.

surrounded it, flowing through the spacious area down to the very nadir of the Archive itself so that they could connect to every dragon and orb in the place. This was the lair of his master, the point at which wrath would most likely wrench him for his tardiness. The sorcery surrounding the air there was extreme, emanating from the mind of the one creature that every serpent owed its life to.

DF – So how is that, exactly?
NW – Captain my… biblical imagery scanner is detecting approaching Garden of Eden references.
DF – Biblical imagery scanner…where do you get those?
NW – Standard with the “pretentious crap” survival package.
DF – I knew I forgot to get something before I started this!
NW – It should have come with a deluxe edition of Eragon.
DF – That explains it; I only got the normal one.
S – There’s nothing normal about Eragon.
DF – Relatively speaking, of course.

Guilt and anguish further imbued Dennagon’s heart as he approached.
Straightening his battle gear, he floated before it. The magic gushed past him, but he could not detect any emotions in the conjured tides. The dragon king’s mind was too shielded from the minds of others, and no one ever knew what he was thinking. Some even rumored

DF – ‘Rumor’ is not that difficult a word. Then again, neither is ‘alas’…
NW – We should just get an Inigo Montoya image and just slap it up here every other paragraph.
DF – Probably, yeah. I’ll see if I can dig one up.

that the king had no emotions, which was not that ludicrous of a proposition. Dennagon himself had never seen him display any sentiments, and it was his wish that no rage would swarm over him today.
“What do you ask of me my lord?” he addressed in composed nervousness.

DF – Is that even possible?
NW – Why would he be concerned about the lord’s rage if the lord is emotionless?
DF – Because everyone in this book is stupid?
NW – Must… eat… more… ESHFE

The throne lit up with dark flames.

DF – I knew it!
NW – If you did not see this coming, please leave the internet. And civilization. I hear Canada’s nice.
DF – They can go live in the 867 area code. Gravekeeper says it’s where they’re going anyway.

Dark flames that seemed to have been in existence forever. A silhouette formed around them cloaked in a shadow eternal, until alas,

DFsigh It’s like I saw it coming, really.
NW – How do you tell a fire’s age?
DF – How do you solve a problem like Maria?
NW – Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?
DF – If the good die young, do the evil live forever?
NW – Nah, most people are morally ambigious, hence the random dying patterns.

it could be understood that the unseen shadow itself was the final form of the dragon lord.

DF – Shouldn’t he already know this?
NW – It’s transforming into a Final Fantasy game.
DF – Does that mean it’s time for a One-Winged Angel, or is that later?
NW – After the infinity +1 sword.
DF – I think that gets introduced later this chapter.
NW – If a moogle gets eaten I take back everything I said about this book.

It flared out its blackened blazes, spiraling above its throne in an omnipotent dance of conflagrations that echoed the mystery of a thousand riddles. It was somewhat glorious, yet its artfulness did not negate its fearsome nature. When it was done, the silhouette settled at its own beckoning, sitting down upon its throne so potently. So prominently.
Drekkenoth almighty waited a few seconds before allowing his voice to be heard. He looked at the wristwatch that was strapped to his forearm,

DF – I thought it was strapped to his talon.
NW – His whole forearm could be a talon. Which explains his foul mood.
DF – Hmmm…his forearm is fire, his talon is fire…it could work!

the one timepiece that no one else was allowed to look at. Whether or not it told the time of day Dennagon did not know, but there was one thing he did understand for certain – Drekkenoth was aware at all times of almost everything.
“What I always have, Sentry Dennagon,” said he. “The World is being ravaged, and the sapiens roam the lands, burning the earthen knowledge in their hominid horror. Soon, there will be nothing left of the globe’s wisdom, and ignorance shall reign supreme.

DF – Time out, I thought it was safe after it was eaten?
NW – How does knowledge burn? Can you set the quadratic equation on fire?
DF – Well, you can shove it into a heroin fish egg, so…
S – Please DF, everyone knows that ESHFE are not flamable.
DF – I was sick the day we went over that. SICK OF THIS BOOK.
NW – I think you were sick to pick it up in the first place. A chicken/egg kind of thing.
DF – :(

It is our quest to gather all that remains of the planet’s knowledge before man can destroy it.”

DF – I’ve heard this already, and I’m pretty sure Dennananana has, too. Can we move on?
NW – I keep picturing Fry and the Nibolians showing up at any moment…

Arxinor and Gorgash flew by his sides like reptilian angels designed to guard their lord. Dennagon straightened a final plate that was still crooked.
“With all due respect,” he politely stated, “You have not answered my question.”
Drekkenoth twisted his wrist as quickly as a machine.

DFOMGOMGUSELESSFORESHADOWINGOMG!
NW – ditto

Amid his claws, colored flames emerged, forming from a rainbow of fire

DF – More special fire. Ugh.
NW – It’s like fireworks just going off in their hand…
DF – Does that mean I can look forward to someone blowing up sometime soon?
NW – This story does seem like it was written for Michael Bay doesn’t it?

the three-dimensional image of the World in its entirety.
“I hath called upon you because you are our greatest warrior. Each day, you collect more data than any other sentry.”

DF – That’s not what warriors do.
NW – Budget cutbacks hurt the librarians the most so the army had to diversify.
DF – That’s what happens when you keep ESHFE everywhere.

“Of this I am aware,” replied Dennagon humbly.
“Then why do you not join us in the wisdom gatherings? We need as many minds as we can to store all the World’s information. The information that may no longer exist after the sapiens raze the planet.”

NW – Considering how many humans Dennagon slaughtered on his own previously… why haven’t the Robotic Dragons just made them extinct already?
DF – Because then the author wouldn’t be able to torture us with how his innocent peace-loving awesome dragons are being oppressed.
NW – “Come see the violence inherent in the system!”
DF – Besides, considering how inept they’ve been so far, would you really trust them to do that successfully?
NW – Well I was guessing the dragons would just trip over their own feet and fall on the humans. What we call “Death by Jar Jar.”

A talon of dark fire motioned toward a group of dragons in the distance. They gathered around the black orb dishes, slurping the cognitive rations and bantering as if intoxicated by ale. Like idiots they were, enjoying themselves far too much when they had far too little.

DF – Knowledge makes you stupid. Who’d have thought it?
NW – Anyone that’s been to college recently.

“I don’t think I am wise enough to hold the insight of the Archive’s cells…”
Drekkenoth was not pleased with the answer, but his neutral expression remained, red eyes gleaming behind a veil of bleak blazes.
“Spare me the false modesty. Knowledge in itself is not permanently saved until it is wired into the brain of a dragon. Dragons are the only species capable of attaining enlightenment, for we’ve reserved ourselves from rapacity for eons.

DF – What does one have to do with the other?
NW – I can’t keep this world building straight. So they have an archive. But the dragons eat all the knowledge… so why then the archive?
DF – Well it has to be cooked just right.
NW – I think the author must have been on some ESHFE.
DF – Wait until later.
NW – …
S – Awww look, the weak little human is crying now. I’ll be taking over for a minute.

Will you let those eons go to waste?” Drekkenoth leaned forth. “Would you let Shevinoth’s will die as he died many ages ago?”
Dennagon hated rhetorical questions, especially when they did not address the true issue at talon. Drekkenoth ranted on, yet his voice commanded a respect that shielded its rambling attribute from consciousness.
“The future must be heeded.

DF – How can you heed something that doesn’t exist yet?
S – Silly human and your ‘linear time’ concepts.
DF – Sorry, I meant how do you heed something that you haven’t experienced yet, by definition? (If Dennananana’s experienced the future, he’s keeping a tight lid on it.)
S – Quiet! Take more ESHFE!
DFNEVAR!
S – Rawr!
NW – Yes yes, you’re a monster. Now give me the keyboard back.
DFSUPER SNUGGLE ATTACK! snuggles Snuggles
NW – O.o
DF – Don’t judge me!

There is not much time left in this World. Can you feel the essence in the air, the unchanging fate of the World that shall draw it to its inescapable end? The future must be heeded, for the rise of Totality is coming. It will not be long before all living things are eliminated.”

NW – Oh no! We’ve picked up the Left Behind series for dragons!
DFNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOES!!!1!111!1!33

Totality. It was one of the most powerful words that could be used, aside from profanities and threats. It meant the merging of the World into a single unification that would ruin all differentiation. If time were to cease, so would life, and thus, everything would fall into an eternal darkness. Albeit it was often viewed as an omega far, far in the future, Dennagon knew that it was his responsibility as well as the responsibility of all beings to stop it. And the best time to do that was now.
“Let’s meet the sapiens head-on,” he declared.
Arxinor and Gorgash exchanged sharp glances.
“Wreck them before they can strike,” continued the highest-ranking sentry. “The humans are infatuated with trinkets of gold and gems and whatnot, for avarice guides their every flaw. They should not be difficult to destroy. In fact, I believe they have already destroyed themselves. Consider their history of warfare and torture.

DF – Because everybody knows that giant carnivorous reptiles don’t have any violent tendencies, obviously.
NW – Glad to see someone listens to me.
DF – Sorry, did you say something?
NW – Not at all. But if it’s the responsibility of all beings to stop it, why aren’t they recruiting or enslaving the sapiens into helping?
DF – Ah, now that’s something that will be explained in a minute! Explained very, very badly, but still explained.
NW – I don’t believe you.

how they lost everything to their own havoc. But consider what matters most – The future is ours only if we take control of the present.”
For a moment, there was an ominous silence. In that foolish instant, Dennagon thought he had impressed the lord with his portrayed zealousness. Nevertheless, that thought died as soon as Drekkenoth rose, a threatening snarl rumbling from his jaws.
“Have YOU, Sentry Dennagon, ever faced a sapien?”
Dennagon shook his head, petrified.
“They have retained the avarice and alignment of the humans, but are not at all human anymore. Far more powerful are their souls.

NW – I still don’t believe you.
DF – Hey, I told you it was very, very badly explained. Anyway, what do their souls have to do with anything?
NW – Didn’t Dennagon face sapiens earlier? Are sapiens not humans? I’m so confused!
DF – According to the second to last sentence here, not anymore. The Farce is strong with these ones.
NW – Wait… are sapiens… zombies?
DF – I doubt it. Zombies would actually be interesting.
NW – Awwww… this book keeps getting so close to greatness. I wonder what the humans’ alignment is. Lawful Neutral?
DF – Nah, Always Chaotic Evil, of course.

Should we attack, they will bring us to death as the waves bring shored stones to the ocean. Speak you to me about the future? I am an eternal ancient. I have had many, many futures.

DF – Well if you want to be technical about it, so has everyone.
NW – It’s like someone writing Dr Who without the wit.
DF – He’s actually reminding me of this and the one after that.

How can you advise me of what is to come when you have sampled nothing of the past?”
It was the first time he had ever heard Drekkenoth speak in such a way, yet the perfunctory inflection of his voice still did not change. Nor did his faceless visage appear to display any emotion still.

DF – That happens when your face has no face.
NW – Maybe it’s like the Once and Future King. Everyone’s living backwards.
DF – Or maybe just Drekkenoth.
NW – You know… I still haven’t read the copy sitting on my shelf. I’m just going to head over here—-
DF – Get back here! You’re not leaving me alone with this.

It was strange to hear such words uttered without any hint of ire.
“Perhaps, if you had spent more time assimilating information, you would have known that already. Be gone.”
With those words, Dennagon immediately about-faced. Descending back down to the depths, he floated past the rows of dishes, staid in his stride. Drekkenoth cast not another glance at him as he left, but instead, turned those flared red eyes forward to stare into nothingness.

NW – Face isn’t so featureless now is it?
DF – No, no, you don’t understand. He only just grew the eyes.
NW – Ah. “Continuity is for suckers”, got it.

The dragon lord was meditating again, and it was best to leave as quickly as possible as not to disturb his concentration. Not that anyone could tap into such an incredible consciousness anyway.
Alas, the throne was far above, and Dennagon tried to find his way to the exit again. As he made his way through, he passed the dragon sentry congregation that loomed in the distance like a blur of scales. They ceased their incessant persiflage as he moved by, only to hurtle jeers at his ascetic disposition.

DF – If it’s incessant, they can’t cease it by definition.
NW – “He passed the [noun] that loomed in the distance.” ().o
DF – You should probably see a doctor for that.
NW – Insurance companies won’t cover it though, saying reading this is “high risk behavior”.

With mouthfuls of blackened orbs, they chortled, liquid ebony crystal bubbling from their fangs to highlight the darkness that lined their forms.

DF – I thought the information was precious and blah blah blah. Eating it that messily sounds like a waste.
NW – We’ve secretly switched their knowledge with folgers fresh, mountain grown caviar. Let’s see if they notice the difference.

Their hollers blended into one another, tripping over one another’s angst whilst meaningless words spilt from their throats. They were vile, unlike dragons of the past. Unlike the dragons that gave dragons their good name.
Dennagon ignored them, for words were as immaterial as dreams. Insignificant they were, for they mirrored the semblance of man in servile baseness complete. They were already dead, even though their bodies still moved and their hearts still pumped. Dead, even though their brains processed occasional “thoughts”.

DF – You know what that means…ZOMBIE DRAGONS!
NWTHIS IS THE GREATEST STORY EVER!
DF – …He said, before his soul was crushed five minutes later.
NW – Well… it does need more Batman.
DF – And cowbell?
NW – Can’t ever get enough cowbell.

They didn’t matter in the slightest, their somas as phantasms piffle in the wind.
Regardless, they were still laughing at him. They remained flying, moving and carrying weapons with the potential to kill him.

NW – The former (weapons) includes the latter (the potential to kill him).
DF – You forget, Denny’s a Stu.

They could probably kill him if there were enough of them attacking at once, and would perchance torture him if they ever had the chance.

DF – And yet the humans are the evil scum, here?

To be tortured by one of them…The very thought aggravated him to the core. He couldn’t bear it.
SLASH THY TONGUES, YOU WRETCHED WURMS!” he shouted with a fist in the air. “THOU SHALT BE TRAMPLED BY THE HOOVES OF EVOLUTION WHEN THE TIME COMES!”
His words were as meaningless to them as theirs to him.

DF – Dragon is only his second language.

WHEN THE TIME COMES!”
Green fire spilling from his jowls, he snapped around and continued on his path. A black orb hit him in the back on his way out, flung by one of his colleagues.

DF – Okay, so they are in kindergarten.
NW – And once again, we see that the ESHFE aren’t that precious.

—————
Night had taken one side of the World. Under the plasmatic eyes of the stars, the kingdom was at rest, serene under the stellar lights that were beaconed throughout the celestial sea. The eve still bore a tint of royal blue in its fabric as if to mirror the ocean, or as if the ocean had mirrored it to bring utter symmetry to the planet. Yet, even as water bore its own inherent sapphire tint, it had islands embedded upon its vistas to break the smooth uniformity that existed not in the vistas of the universe.

DF – Ugh, I get it already, it’s night.
NWZOMGITSSTILLGOINGARGH
DF – Exactly.

For the universe, strangely, did not have any planets this night or any night for that matter,

DF – Hey, you know what other planets in a solar system look like from the surface? More stars.
NW – If there aren’t any planets any night, then why is that strange? It should be normal from their perspective of reference. And isn’t where they are right now, in fact, a planet? So the universe does have, on this night, a planet.
DF – Stop expecting logic to work here.
NW – My brain feels like Rocky, and this story is Apollo.
DFADRIAN!!!

nor any Moon to accompany the glow of the stars or the meager lights of the human kingdom Aurahelm that shone in the far, far horizon. It didn’t really need it, though, for no one ever came out at night anyway.
At peace inside his dodecahedron, Dennagon rested, upon piles of books mounted like a reptilian sleeping beauty.

DF – In what version of that story was she sleeping on books?
NW – You’ve clearly never read some of the nerdier fan fiction out there.

The tomes were his life, his food, his water, and his bed. They were his catalogs of dreams, dreamed by others, and now, upon him he created dreams of his own. The evening lulled him with the greatest song of all – silence – and he slept as deeply as a dead squid at the bottom of the sea.

DF – There’s a mental image I could have lived without.
NW – So there’s tomes. But there’s ESHFE… are tomes forbidden? Out of style?
DF – I’m guessing out of style, since they have the ESHFE, but it’s hard to say.
NW – So was I right? He’s hoarding knowledge? We didn’t even make it out of this chapter with the betting pool.

His fantasies streamed through his eyes, and his eyes streamed through his fantasies.
Beyond his own pupils and waking mind, he was in his own little world. Here, the Moon laid as lucid as a stained glass window, clear as an astronomical orb of silver.

DF – Stop. Writing. Now.
NW – Microsoft should put that feature onto “clippy”. He’d say that after locking you out of Word.
DF – But only if you intend to publish it! Otherwise…I’m glad I use OpenOffice.org.
NW – Sorry DF. We just can’t take that chance.
DF – But you haven’t even seen my awesome time-traveling zombie dinosaur novel (that doesn’t exist) yet!
NW – See, a novel’s all wrong for this stuff. You should write it for comics!
DF – They’d eat it up!
S – I know I would!
NW – Me too! Except not literally.

It floated in the middle of nothing, in vacuum space unbound by gravity and any directional coordinates. Hanging in no particular place or time, it rotated slowly, taking its sweet moments for every turn.

DF – Not unlike how you’re taking your sweet time getting to the point.
NW – It’s like I’m finally understanding eternity.
DF – This is the book that never ends…yes it goes on and on my friends…
NW – I’m abandoning all hope.

Was it revolving around something?

DF – Does anybody really care if it is?
NW – Now begins a love letter to the moon?

Its spectator could not see anything else, but it certainly was revolving around something. Something invisible. Truly, this was the realm of nowhere.

NW – Are we still talking about the moon? My love letters to eighth grade crushes weren’t this sappy.
DF – You had a crush on the moon in eighth grade? ducks
NW – I’d say something about women’s posteriors but that would be too tacky.

In the voids, there suddenly appeared an entity that flew around the moon.

DF – Since we just spent three very long paragraphs explaining that 1) it’s night, and 2) Dennananana’s dreaming about the moon, this is downright riveting by comparison.
NW – Hawking’s history of time is more riveting.
DF – So’s watching grass grow.

It was a serpent of silvery scales that was armored to the bone, but still as fragile as an icicle on a winter twig.

DF – I may be going out on a limb here, but that might be the reason for all the armor.
NW – But how is it wearing armor if its so fragile?
DF – Because everybody the author likes in this book is a Sue/Stu.

In its clutches, it held a hook-ended broadsword that resembled a demon’s head with too horns to the flanks protruding and a snout that was the blade descending.

DF – I bet this is the Infinity +1 Sword.
NW – Yay! So next chapter he’ll use it to go kill the boss and it’ll all be over!
DF – Not unless by ‘next chapter’ you mean ‘after nine more chapters and an epilogue,’ no.
NW – ….
S – He’s crying again.
DF – I’m not surprised.

Against the lunar light, the dragon gleamed, reflecting in its form the visage of the silver orb whilst the silver orb reflected it as well, creating an endless sequence of images that stretched on into infinity. The sight was glorious, but ominous as well.

NW – Cream Count: 1
DF – And you thought you’d only see those in the Twilight Sporks.

Dennagon, all the while, was merely an observer in his dream. He had seen this dragon many times before, and knew his name well. Everyone knew Mighty Shevinoth, first king of the dragons. It was Shevinoth that frequently dominated his thoughts and dwelled in his dreams, a soul of fantasies built that followed him like a shadow in waking and sleeping.

DF – I bet this ends up showing just how special Dennananana is.
NW – What doesn’t?
DF – Good point.

Of course, to him, this was as real as anything, for as he lay in slumber, he was neither a warrior nor a god. He was just a watcher.
Shevinoth approached the silver Moon surface, sailing through space’s airless, crushing environment.

DF – Aside from asteroids and comets and such, what exactly is crushing about space? There’s no pressure out there. It’s pretty much the opposite of crushing.
NW – Well I’m feeling pretty crushed right now.
DF – It took longer than five minutes, but eh. shrugs

Caution accompanied him with every inch he mobilized. After surveying through the area, he landed upon the shimmering, polished lunar ground and brandished his sword high above his head. A sparkling coruscation emitted from its hooked tip, casting a dim, but powerful light

DF – Yay oxymorons!
NW – It’s like if you took just these 3 sentences, you’d be able to induce heartattacks in any English teacher.
DF – You mean rather than the rest of this book? …Actually, I know some science teachers who’d be having heart problems, too.
NW – It’s like a pure concentration of badness. Putting just this part on the back of the book would tell everyone everything they needed to know.
DF – Sadly, Amazon neglected to do this for their excerpt. Or maybe fortunately, if we think of the English and science teachers.

into the dark surroundings as if to notify all who lived that this was to be a remembered moment. Then, a potent strike fell upon the metallic landscape, digging his blade far into the subsurface. The sharp edge clawed its way round and round, creating a jagged circle amid the floor. Craters bubbled out of every cut, dissolving into nothingness just as quickly, until finally, the beginning of the circle met its end. An orifice was torn into the Moon, and inside, there was a hollow.
The one who watched hoped that the lunar-bound warrior

DF – He’s not lunar-bound if he’s already on the moon. Speaking of which, how is he up there?

would make it inside.

DF – Because it’s so hard to climb through a hole.
S – It is for these ‘dragons’.

He mentally cheered on for Shevinoth the mighty to rush inside to the very core of the Worldly satellite so that he could find what was in there. His cheers echoed into his subconscious, repeating themselves as many times as they could until fading ardor washed them away. For as Shevinoth stood, nothing happened. Not a single claw budged to reach into the orifice, nor did any talons shift to sample what was inside. The once dragon king simply remained, an image of glory shackled in stasis.

DF – That’s what you get for breaking the moon.
NW – “the once dragon king”? I warned you he was going to rip off T.H. White.
DF – I never doubted it.

Dennagon pondered. Shevinoth turned as if to face him, the omnipotent master of the dream.
“What is art?” inquired Shevinoth.
No answer.
“There is nothing more beautiful than the self.”
With that, an abrupt blast exploded out of the orifice. Yellow fire and light ringed around the silver dragon’s figure, tearing away his flesh. Strips of carrion flew from whence Shevinoth stood, ashen charcoal scales flinging into the ceaseless depths of space.

DF – Uhhhhhhh…wow. Hey, look at the baby ferrets, guys!


S – Yum!
NW – Quiet you! And once again we have our “E for everyone” rating spoiled.
DF – For those keeping score at home, he’s now ripped off Nietzsche.

All that was left was his skeletal form, burning in hellish wonder as if to beg the question, “why” in its disintegrating vapors. Alas, a horrid shriek ripped even the soundless vacuum of the voids and the body fell to the lunar core in death combusted.

DF – I know it’s a dream, but what just happened?!
NW – It’s a bad trip man.
DF – I didn’t know you could get those from ESHFE.

—————
Dennagon burst into waking consciousness, his sweeping talon knocking a stack of books into a wall. Sweat dripped out from beneath his reptilian dermal layer, coating him in a layer of saline gloss. However, even as his body lay in shock, his breaths were steady and contained, as was the mind that kept perfect control over his actions.

DF – Then he’s not in shock.
NWREPTILES DON’T SWEAT. Basic biology people.
DF – I was actually going to let that go; most reptiles also aren’t warm-blooded, while there’s reason to believe these dragons aren’t (i.e. – they don’t seem to need to sun themselves, and Dennagon is active in the middle of the night). Then again, birds don’t sweat either…
NW – There’s also plenty of mammals that have little to no sweat but use alternative methods to regulate heat. Like dogs and panting.

He had never been shaken by this nightmare before, and he certainly would not be shaken now.

DF – No, because that would be normal.
NW – A nightmare sequence we didn’t get to see? Cliche averted count: 1.
DF – But we did see it. It was the last scene.
NW – Oops, I thought that was just my nightmare. Cliche averted count: 0.
DF – Sadly, we’re all experiencing that one.

Excellence was constant, not contained in a singular act.
“Steady,” he reassured himself.
Reassurance? How pitiful. If he were really secure, he thought, he would not need to constantly reinforce his composure.

DF – And if you were really shaken by this, then you probably wouldn’t be worrying about your composure right now.
NW – Is he complaining about not being Stu enough? I guess Lysol has +1 more Sueness than him.
DF – Well, she did have a fake death scene, so…
NW – You’re right: +5 Sueness.

He should really stop talking to himself in his head, as well. It certainly wasn’t helping.

DF – Because that would also be normal.
NW – Yes. Please! Anything to trim this.

Wiping the sweat off his head, he took a moment to reassess his thoughts. Reflecting on his nightmare, he had the same cognitions he always had after experiencing it – curiosity, wonder, slight anger, and some questions he always wished he could ask great Shevinoth had he not been slain over a thousand years ago.

DF – Wow. I know he’s seen it before, but…just…wow. headdesk
NWREPTILES DON’T SWEAT. (yes I’m going to shout it every time I see it)
DF – It’s the only way the author can think of to make his character more ‘human’.
NW – I’m still clutching my infinite monkeys theorem.
DF – Everything’s better with monkeys, though.

There was definitely a meaning to his fantasy, as there was a meaning to everything in life.

NW – As if he was in a pretentious book.
DF – I know! It’s like he knows

Many a time he had laid awake just like this when he should be sleeping, trying to figure it all out. After all this time, nonetheless, he had not come to a single conclusion.

NW – Angela suddenly barges in to tell him what it means!

Sleep. He really needed it. Or did he? Often, he thought about the necessity of rest in the functionality of dragons. Humans needed to sleep, for they were weak, but why did the world’s knowledge pools always state that dragons needed exactly 4 hours of dormancy every thirty hour day and two hours every ten hour day?

DF – How would that…what? Why do you have to make things so overcomplicated?!
NW – Logic fail! Shouldn’t he notice that the weakest creatures (like say insects) need no rest, it’s the mightier, more complex creatures that require it. (and thus, if humans need more than other creatures, and dragons are mightier and stronger than humans…)
DF – So…if cats sleep 19 hours a day…that must mean…
NW – They really are in charge.
DFgasp! I can’t believe I never realized it before!

There seemed to be no premise for such a rule, no absolute link in the chain of causality.

DF – It’s because almost every complex organism has to. Now shut it and sleep.
NWSee above.
DFOr…

Yet, he did admit that he usually felt tired after each day and he did need to rejuvenate himself. Perhaps that was his subconscious’ way of telling him that he needed to resolve his problems.
One problem at the moment was that if he did not rest in the next twenty minutes, he probably would not have enough time to replenish his efficiency by the dawn of the next day.

DF – Do I even have to explain what’s wrong with this?
NW – Dead people know what’s wrong with this!

It was 1:28 in the morn, so he only had a little more than two hours and thirty minutes to finish his nap. There was no time to indulge in frivolous ponderings when he should be readying himself. Then again, he had been having insomnia much more often as of late, since his recurring dream had been popping up more frequently. It wasn’t really affecting his combative habits that significantly, and his “comrades” were complete idiots anyway, so he saw no purpose in having to slip back into unconsciousness. After all, why couldn’t insomnia be a catalyst for exploration?

DF – What?
NW – 2nd base.
DF – Ah.

—————
Deep into the mossy, rock-speckled plains beyond the Drakemight walls, Dennagon strolled.

DF – He was never seen again. The end.
NW – Stop toying with my emtions like that DF!
DF – Sorry. :’(

A lone dragon on an equally lonely landscape, he meandered, looking up to the crystal clear celestial sea above. Stars flickered, as tranquil as the night whilst the rest of the draconic collective

DF – You don’t have to remind us that they’re dragons every five seconds. We’re honestly not as stupid as you seem to think we are.
NW – We’re reading his book. We might be.
DF – We recognize it’s horrible. We might not be.
NW – We recognize it and we’re still reading it. We are.
DF – Even if we’re doing it so others don’t have to? IT’S FOR THE CHILDREN.

remained immersed in slumber. He found his own peace alone in the plains, but even harmony could be beleaguered by discord. As contradictory as it was, the paradox existed in his mind, manifested in his perturbation.
His eyes scanned the darkness overhead. It was well into the night, and at this point, the sun was farthest from his present locale. He liked the sensation of obscurity, for it allowed him to be free of ideas that would otherwise cloud his consciousness.

DF – What does that even mean? You’re just putting random words together because they look pretty!
NW – Sign you’re too pretentious #17: Half of your chapter is filled with late-night dorm room musings.

Everything was lucid now without any light but those of the lonely stellar beacons. Some often claimed that there were places in the world at which two suns rose at either horizon and could usurp the lands in eternal daylight, but he didn’t really buy into those tales.

DF – Especially since having two suns in one place would mean there’d be two suns everywhere.
NW – Now he’s ripping off Magic:TG Lorwyn. Is nothing sacred?
DF – I’m guessing no.

He had traveled the planet far and wide, and he had never seen such solar duality. Nothing would take his darkness from him, for now, he had some special place to which he needed to traverse.
Luckily, he had brought his favorite book with him as he always did on these existential nights.

DF – I thought you hadn’t done this before.
NW – He loves his darkness but brought a book?
DF – He can see in the dark.
NW – Oh right, dragons have darkvision.
DF – Also, he might be Eragon.

Superstition never sat well with him, as assumption was always an imbecile’s best friend, but he always felt comfortable carrying it as a – dare he admit it – good luck charm. The object itself was not that which granted him good fortune, but rather its inner story. Albeit the tome’s title had been scraped off by a human ballista long ago,

DF – It was hit with a ballista and all that happened was the title got scraped off?
NW – Didn’t something similar happen in the first chapter? Why hasn’t he figured out yet to take better care of these books? Like… NOT TAKING THEM INTO BATTLES.
DF – But then he might get bored.

the tale inside always pulled him through good and bad times. It was almost like a friend in the field of war, something he never truly had. Strangely, though, it had been a while since he read it. Did he even remember the story?

DF – You’ve had this book for years and years, the story in it has helped you through said years, but you don’t even remember what that story is?!
NW – Cream Count: 2
DF – Over a book? At least Bella focused on a statue Edward, instead of everything she could.
NW – My Playdragon theory grows and [heh] grows.

Stumbling upon a stone shaped like a spike, he knew he had reached his destination. Carefully, he looked around to make certain no one was watching.

DF – Well, Lycanol’s probably still stalking you, and Edward might be out there somewhere, but other than that…

Scenting the air with his outstretched tongue and his fire-breathing nostrils,

DF – What does breathing fire have to do with smelling things?
NW – Because he’s a dragon you know. Have I mentioned he’s a dragon? I want to be sure you’re aware he’s a dragon.

he detected nothing but the cool smell of flower pollen. When he was certain no one was spying, he moved toward a circular group of stones that surrounded a bumpy patch of earth. Driving his claws into the mud, he burrowed, casting away the upper layers of the ground. Clandestine, he hissed.

DF – Now look at what you did. You broke that perfectly good word, all because you wanted to make it fit somewhere it had no business being. This is why we can’t have nice things, y’know.
NW – Rub his nose in it and hit him with a rolled up newspaper.

How many nights had he come out here?

DF – I thought one, but you’re leading me to believe otherwise for some reason.

How many trices did he waste on fantasies so trivial? Far too many, no doubt. He couldn’t help it. Strangeness always lured him, just like his collection of curiosities lured him to this spot. As a magnet drawn to metal,

DFGet to the point!
NW – Wait… are we still talking about Dennagon or the author? Just kidding! I know they’re the same thing.

he was drawn to what lay underneath his digging talons so ardently that he would even risk getting caught outside the kingdom barricades in the middle of the eve. The attraction was spellbinding, and even with his sorcerer’s capabilities, he could not resist.

DF – So now he’s a sorcerer, too?
NW – I think it’ll be a shorter list of what he isn’t.
DF – In a relationship?
NW – Lysol
DF – She doesn’t count. Yet.
NW – That’s not what I was reading… [if you know what i mean]

Finally, Dennagon’s pupils caught a dull white object embedded in the medieval dirt. Meticulously, he brushed away the surrounding mud, unearthing the first part of a collection of oddities.

DF – I’ve heard of having skeletons in one’s closet, but skeletons in a random hole in the ground?

Like a prize, he pulled it out of the ground, still speckled with bits of moss, algae and underground worms.

DF – Ew.
NW – Algae generally don’t occur naturally on land. It is grown in cultures and used as fertilizer but that would mean…
What would that mean about this area?

From the sockets in its calcium-encrusted exterior, maggots wriggled out,

DF – Which is odd, because you don’t generally find maggots in dirt.
NW – If we made a drinking game out facts he got wrong, I’d give us 2 pages before our livers shrival up and beg for mercy.
DF – We would also need the entire liquor section of the nearest grocery store.
S[raises hand] I can do it! I’m part Irish.
NW – Ok then, start drinking.
S – I have been.

falling to the grass at his feet while he cautiously blew off the rest of the debris. When he was finished, he beheld its true figure. A large, 15-foot reptilian fossil.

DF – Unless you painted them, fossils are not white.
NW – And glass doesn’t char. Maybe the author’s colorblind.
S[drinks]
DF – Sure you have enough alcohol, Snuggles?
NW – Call Russia – we need all the vodka in the country!

“Wonderful.”
Burrowing even deeper, he dredged up several more bones. A few were of rib cages and shoulder blades, others were of spinal cords and tails, and the last few were of arms, legs and claws. As best he could, he fit them together, locking joints like puzzle pieces according to the general draconic anatomy he had studied in many of his tomes. Ischiums connected to iliums and pubises, some of which were birdlike and others which were lizard-like. Prehistory manifested as quickly as he reconstructed the bony frameworks, opening a window to an unknown past. The completed skeletons took the shapes of nothing he had ever hunted.

DF – Because apparently, paleontologists r doin it rong.
S[continues drinking]
NW – Note that we here at ImpishIdea do not condone or encourage alcohol consumption.
DFhands Snuggles another bottle We do, however, supply it.

Dead dragons? Impossible. Dragons, although highly varied in bone structure, limbs, wings, scale color and even head count,

DF – Impossibly varied, in fact, since they’re all supposed to be the same species.
NW – So no dragon has ever died? I guess that’s why Lysol survived all those injuries.
DF – By the way, take another shot, Snuggles.
S[drink]

could not conceivably have such bizarre frames.

DF – Suuuuure they can’t. They can have multi-headed dragons, wingless dragons, limbless dragons, and who knows what else, and yet dinosaurs are bizarre.
NW – Remember, if you’re misshapen, you’re not really a person.

- No one he had ever met had as enormous a skull as one of the upright-standing skeletons he had in his fossil trove. No one had a neck as long as one of the giant quadrupeds he had in storage. Certainly, there was no warrior alive that was as specialized for aquatic life as the eccentric four-finned reptile skeleton he found a few years ago.

DF – How would you know? You avoid everyone. And when are you doing all this fossil hunting, anyway?
NW – I wonder if he’s renting a storage space downtown to hold all this stuff.
DF – But wasn’t he keeping it in that hole?
NW – With his TV lion dinners?
DF – Ah, good point.

The possibilities were limitless. Considering that sorcery could summon up any potential beast, any reasonable being would just assume that these were just the remnants of conjury left from a war long ago. In fact, he would have complied to such an interpretation had it not been for other items he had discovered. Excavating to the farthest reaches of his private hidey-hole, he sought the last anomaly he had gathered in his many voyages. A metallic glint shone in the dust as he scraped the ground away. At first glance it would have looked like a helmet, but as he exposed it further, it took the shape of something quite alien.

DF – In fact, it was an alien.
NW – If this becomes Indiana Jones 4, I quit.
DF – Indiana Jones 4 would be an improvement.
S[drink]
NW – What are you drinking for?
S – DF is factually wrong.
DF – You’re complimenting this book?
S – There’s no Shia LeBoff.
DF – None of the characters from this book are in IJ4.
NW – Except for the spirit of Jabootu.
DF – That’s only one!

Circuits lined its substance from its outer shell down to its inner joints and wires. It was like a living beast of nerves, veins and bones, except that its flesh and parts were built of pure steel.

DF – That doesn’t sound very effective.

The parts were all over the place underground, for he had spent many a year collecting them from the bleakest places of the World. Yet, the more he looked at them, the less they seemed like they had anything to do with his World.
Gradually, he began to reconstruct the mechanized fragments just like he had reassembled the bony skeletons. The robotic joints fit together much more easily than the calcium ones, as if they had been perfectly constructed to be redesigned.

DF – This is because the joints of living creatures are not made the same way as those of machines. The joints on a skeleton are generally supposed to be held together with ligaments and such, and since those are long gone Dennananana shouldn’t have been able to put the skeletons together in the first place without something to hold the bones in place instead. Mechanical joints, on the other hand, are generally made to hold themselves together without ligaments.
NW – I can’t figure out what the timing is supposed to be here.
DF – He does it all instantly. Stu, and all that.

Metal turbines locked into cybernetic gears. Wire jacks fit precisely into plugs. Everything seemed to have an exact purpose, and there were no vestigial parts that were prevalent in the constantly evolving biological organisms he knew. At the same time, it was extraordinarily complex, for no matter how long he focused his vision, he could never make out the extent to which its inner cables decreased in size. The finished piece was a creature of metal and circuits, dented at its edges, but whole nonetheless. Wholly mind-boggling.

DF – So what does this have to do with the origin of the fossils? Absolutely nothing; as far as I can tell, the author just thought it would be cool (it is, but still…).
NW – Are you drinking for DF again?
S – Yep. She said the author put thought into this.
DF – Going ‘hay this’d be kewl’ and putting it in =/= putting thought into the book.
NW – I think Snuggle’s just looking for excuses now. Definitely part Irish.
DF – He probably could have used the joints as one earlier, then.

Dennagon had less of an idea of what to make of the weird machines than he did of the prehistoric bones. They were the primary reason why he came here, for his mind never relinquished an unanswered question. Unfortunately, he could not think of one possibility that could account for the existence of such incredibly advanced machinery. Even the highest level magicians did not have the capability of creating anything of this magnitude, much less leave it for other creatures to find.
If only Drekkenoth had all the answers. The dragon lord often claimed that only the limitless knowledge of the World could grant one with absolute wisdom, which was one of Dennagon’s motivations in his continuing search for information. Still, even Drekkenoth himself was not omniscient, otherwise he would not have rallied armies in search of all secular data. Hence, there was no way to figure out where the fossilized ruins came from,

DF – Have you tried actually asking?
NW – They’re searching the world for knowledge, but nobody’s found all these fossils on their doorstep?
DF – They’re not trying very hard.

if anywhere at all.

DF – They kind of had to come from somewhere if they exist now.

It made him wonder about causality and logic. It forced him to consider the potential for induction and mathematics to be flawed.

DF – Um…why? Is this going to become a trend? He questions everything because he can’t understand something else entirely?
NW – “I wonder what the secret to life is? ZOMG, does 2 plus 2 really equal 4?”
DF – No, it equals five zillion. I realized that when I couldn’t figure out what potato chips to buy.

But most of all, it made him think about… The Lexicon.
The Lexicon was the one thing that lay on his consciousness more than anything else. If only he could touch upon it for just a moment, to experience what it was like to be all-knowing and totally wise. How far would he be able to see, and what would he be able to understand? To have the mind of god; it was the most magnificent dream of all. The rationale of his brain told him that it wasn’t real, that it couldn’t be found, but the very thought of it elicited a blissful emotion in his heart.

DF – That’s called bliss.
NW – Ok, definite Cream Count: 3.
DF – Okay, I guess it could be something else…

He didn’t want to let it go.
But he had to.
A sudden tremor rocked the ground to its very bedrock. The prehistoric fossils toppled and the robotic skeletons began to melt. At first, he thought it was an ordinary earthquake that happened every so often around the World, but a blinding flash stung his eyes the instant it appeared.

DF – Then he shouldn’t have had time to think it was normal.
NW – I didn’t know earthquakes melted metal.
DF – That should have been his second clue, had he not been blinded by the flash.
NW[innuendo alert]

He clutched his head in pain.
“Aaahhh!” he roared.
Heat gusted all over his body, and he knew this was no ordinary quake. Prying his own claws off his eyes, he forced himself to espy the distance, where a massive ball of fire had engulfed a large portion of the wall. An army of magicians would have been needed to create such an explosion, and it was likely that there was an army of knights to accompany them. A battle had initiated, one that sparked more grandiosely than any he had ever fought. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing.
But it didn’t stop there. The conflagration boiled up from the ground like the expanding sack of a red-warm embryo.

DF – The author seems to have a thing for embryos…
NW – Sign you’re too pretentious #8: You make wildly inappropriate birth metaphors.

Growing upwards in the form of a mushrooming cloud, it scarred the sky as it spread out to the flanks, ripping a gargantuan crater in the ground and ozone.

DF – Air =/= ozone.
NW – Once upon a time… I would have found a nuke awesome. Damn you book and what you’ve done to me!!!
DF – What about zombie dragons, are they still awesome?
NW – Only if they have power rings.
DF – Careful, we might find that later.

More radioactive emissions burst out from its center, blowing Dennagon right off his feet and onto his back.

DF – They’re called shock waves, and if Dennagon was only knocked onto his back without injury, he’s incredibly lucky. Or a Stu.
NW – I’m reminded of when I watched the Animatrix with a friend and- oh look here he is:
Morbo – Nuclear Bombs do not work that way!
NW – Thank you Morbo.
DF – For those of you playing at home, take a shot.
S[drinks]
NW – Ok, we’re now changing you to DS, for “Drunk Snuggles”.
DF – How drunk does he have to be before I can ask why his name is Snuggles?

In a flurry of dust and atomic hellfire, he tumbled back behind a rock. Sickly, he coughed.
“What the blazes was that?!” he blurted.

DF – Medieval nuke.
NW – Ha ha the dragon made a pun. =P

The entire night sky lit up as if it were day. Now he was beginning to believe those tales of two suns, but to his misfortune, that son seemed to have fallen right to the earth. After several seconds, the illumination faded, and the stars began to take the sky again amid a stormy holler of screaming winds. The heat began to lessen as did the roar of the detonation far off. A rain of boulders fell upon the plains like a shower, riddling the terrain with even more shudders from the raging havoc. For a moment, everything was quiet once more.

DF – …Wow. Okay, I actually feel kind of sorry for Dennagon.
NW – (No! That’s the path to the Dark Side!)
DF – He just got his home bombed, his books are gone, everyone he knows might be dead…I know he hates them all, but still…

Dennagon waited for the radioactive winds to stop. He then poked his head out from behind the rock and peered at the cloud of wreckage and dust that engulfed the portion of the wall at which the blast had occurred. The debris was so dense that even the colossal lights of Drakemight could hardly penetrate. Nonetheless, what was penetrating was indeed an enemy force, and he was determined to stop it. Even if it meant ending up like his fossil collection.
“There’s no more appropriate time for war,” he said as he drew his sword, “than the present, and the past and the future.”
The dragon sentry shot into the air, a harbinger of death to all those who opposed his quest.

DF – Never mind, I hate this book and everything in it again.
NW – I’m just sad.
DS – I’m drunk.

Tagged as:

Comment

  1. SlyShy on 12 March 2009, 16:49 said:

    the speed of light, the Planck constant, the Schrodinger Wave Equation, the radius of a carbon atom, the structure of organic molecules – each bit of wisdom as important as the next.

    I like that in this alternate history and timeline, all the facts of the universe are still discovered by humans, and named after humans, even though they are portrayed as sniveling idiots. Way to world build, Eng.

  2. The Drunk Fox on 12 March 2009, 18:08 said:

    …I need to keep a better eye on my block quote tags.

  3. The Drunk Fox on 12 March 2009, 18:50 said:

    Say, Sly? I can’t seem to save the edits I was trying to make to Chapter 1. I noticed that you modified that one earlier; is there some kind of time limit or something?

  4. SlyShy on 12 March 2009, 21:09 said:

    Hey, sorry about that. I had your permission level at Freelancer, like it always is for new staff, but since you are hammering away at this that’s clearly the wrong level now. :P You’ve been bumped up a few notches, and you’ll be able to save changes now. Sorry for that, midterms have got me all hassled.

  5. The Drunk Fox on 12 March 2009, 21:33 said:

    Thank you! And it’s okay; I know how it gets sometimes.

  6. Screamingfangirl on 12 March 2009, 22:21 said:

    “SLASH THY TONGUES, YOU WRETCHED WURMS!” he shouted with a fist in the air. “THOU SHALT BE TRAMPLED BY THE HOOVES OF EVOLUTION WHEN THE TIME COMES!”

    I officially love this quote. I’m going to make a t-shirt of it.

  7. That Wanderer on 13 March 2009, 01:30 said:

    Awesome job, you guys.

    Why is worms spelled as “wurms?”

    Does that mean that they aren’t worms?

  8. SlyShy on 13 March 2009, 02:14 said:

    They can also be spelled wyrms. Yay, fantasy.

  9. Travithian on 13 March 2009, 02:23 said:

    Yay also for random Ye Olde English. Nothing like a clumsily inserted archaic word to set the mood of a story.

  10. falconempress on 13 March 2009, 03:29 said:

    this is great. thank you for sacrificing yourselves for the higher cause of lulz.

    lol when I still played WoW I had a pet Devilsaur named Snuglles:P

  11. OverlordDan on 13 March 2009, 07:27 said:

    This is hilarious. Please keep it going, and keep and eye on your livers.

  12. Dan Locke on 13 March 2009, 11:27 said:

    A few minor quibbles:

    Python is a language, not an operating system.

    The “quadratic equation” is actually a formula.

    Other than that, this was awesome.

  13. Nate Winchester on 13 March 2009, 12:24 said:

    Yeah I know about Python, I was invoking the rule of Funny.

    The “quadratic equation” is actually a formula.

    O.o Umm… yeah what’s your point?

  14. SubStandardDeviation on 13 March 2009, 13:18 said:

    I’m guessing this entire book is a poorly-written collection of pseudo-philosophical gibberish and one-sided fight scenes, loosely strung together by a nigh-incomprehensible plot, ridiculous technology, and an unlikeable, wangsty protagonist.

    At least MGS2 was 20% interactive!

    dragons needed exactly 4 hours of dormancy every thirty hour day and two hours every ten hour day?

    Surprised you didn’t mention this. Weird-arse planetary rotation much?

    As for the atomic blast: maximized magic cruise missile?

  15. The Drunk Fox on 13 March 2009, 13:39 said:

    Surprised you didn’t mention this. Weird-arse planetary rotation much?

    I did. It’s what I was referring to when I asked why everything had to be so overcomplicated. And yeah, either the planet’s not spinning normally, or the dragons are using a way of dividing up time in a week/month/whatever that just doesn’t work. Either way, it hurts my brain.

    As for the atomic blast: maximized magic cruise missile?

    Funnily enough, that’s what I first thought, too.

  16. Nate Winchester on 13 March 2009, 13:40 said:

    DF and I are saving the nuke discussion for next chapter…

    bwhahahaha

  17. Asahel on 13 March 2009, 15:09 said:

    a gargantuan area that rivaled the cosmos in spaciousness

    I stared in disbelief at that description for many moments. I’m sill not sure I accept that it exists.

  18. Asahel on 13 March 2009, 18:38 said:

    Egads! Looking at it eroded my typing and proofreading skills as well!

    (I meant still not sure I accept that it exists.)

  19. Snow White Queen on 13 March 2009, 20:32 said:

    This just made me laugh out loud. Literally.

    This just totally made my day!

  20. The Drunk Fox on 14 March 2009, 00:41 said:

    Thanks, guys!

    Aaaaaand I forgot: the Said Count is now at 9.

  21. fffan on 12 February 2010, 22:59 said:

    lol i was thinking about what the dragon lord guy would’ve looked like before he turned into fire. for some reason this popped into my head:

    tee hee it’s llama with out ears or legs and probably would’ve improved this story had mr eng inserted it in. (i don’t own this image by the way)

    thank YOU, you two (and a half).