EDIT: There’s been an addition to the D:LT team! Nate Winchester is now helping me go through the book, for which I am eternally grateful.

So in the last part of the D:LT sporking (found here for those who haven’t read it), I went through the prologue piece by nonsensical piece. Next, obviously, is Chapter 1, which has already been partially done by SlyShy, Kitty, and ExitMouse via an excerpt from Amazon.com. The result can be found here, and there really isn’t much I can add that I didn’t say in the comments there, so I’ll be skipping those pages and continuing from where they left off. If you’re new and somehow haven’t read it already, go ahead and do so now. I can wait.

Okay, everybody ready?

The crystal ball illuminated even more with ever word it spoke.

DF – So it’ll eventually blind him. Great!
NW – Blind me too please.

“The sapiens have advanced.

DF – I’ve heard a lot of funny names for humans, but sapiens? That’s a letter away from implying they’re smarter than you. Which I don’t mind, but I don’t think that’s what the author was going for.
NW – It could have been worse. At least he didn’t go with “homo”.

Worldly data is continually receding into nothingness.”

DF – Now I know it wasn’t what the author was going for. It explains why everything in this book so far is so stupid, though.
NW – And here we see how idiot worlds are formed.

Dennagon rolled his eyes. Conjured objects were always so fickle with meaning.

DF – Which is a weird thing to note, since Dennagon never conjured it.
NW – He picked it up at the 99cent conjure store.

“I said what NEW events have emerged?”

DF – Your way of fixing this problem is to ask the exact same thing again?
NW – Just like talking with primitives. You have to speak LOUDER and S-L-O-W-E-R.

He took a black marble out of his belt.

DF – What was holding it there?
NW – Utility belt, check.

It was a tiny ebony sphere that dripped with liquid just as dark,

DF – That means it’s evil. It’s in the rules.
NW – “Screw the rules, I have money.”
DF – “Screw the money, I have an evil marble!”

seething with knowledge embodied in material form.

DF – It’s a sentient evil marble! Run!
NW – A lot of playgrounds would have livened up with sentient evil marbles.

It was as soft and supple as caviar,

DF – Then it’s not a marble, is it?
NW – Marblish. Marble-lite?

and he almost felt like consuming it himself. However, he had resisted the thirst for such luxuries for a while.

NW – Today, on a very special Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate:
DF – C’mon, Dennagon, eat the evil sentient fish egg. You know you want to. All the cool dragons are doing it.

He would not give in now.

DF – Aww…

Casting it forth, he let the crystal ball devour it in a ring of silver fire.

DF – Why does all fire in this book have to be super-special-awesome-colors? Why can’t there just be fire?
NW – So he’s only a pyromaniac if the fire gets all gussied up?

It had been transported to another place far from his home, somewhere it would be out of his sight.

DF – It’s an evil sentient fish egg made of heroin. Exactly his brand of heroin, too, from the sound of it. (Yes, I’m going to continue making Twilight references. Try to stop me! BWAHAHAAAaaaanyway.)
NW – When we reach the point this book makes us want to read Twilight: Game Over.

The crystal ball read the marble’s data and analyzed what he had accomplished that day.

DF – So what can’t this crystal ball do? It teleports stuff, analyzes things, and can tell you what’s going on around the world. It can probably give you an ambiguous reading of your future, too, simply by merit of being a crystal ball.
NW – If Macintosh made a crystal ball…

“Your daily collection of data: 8 million liters of information.”

DF – I don’t know why, but I find the use of the unit liters for data funny. That’s still an awful lot to shove into a sentient heroin fish egg, though. No wonder it’s evil.
NW – It’s not evil, just bloated.

Information could be quantified by material essence,

DF – And here we’ve been using computer lingo! We could have quantified it in liters according to its material essence all this time! What fools we’ve been!

and that was what Dennagon sought everyday.

DF – I thought he slacked off during guard duty all day.
NW – Now we know why he ran his fists through the humans’ skulls. To get to all of that delicious, yummy knowledge…

The World was frothing with knowledge,

DF – Rabies is bad.
NW – Babies is rad.

and it was his duty to gather as much as he could, just as it was the duty of every other sentry in the collective.

DF – So basically, the dragons in this world are arrogant knowledge hogs. Silly dragons, don’t they know information just wants to be free?
NW – Spoils the super special awesome image of dragons when you learn they’re just a bunch of librarians.

Knowledge was not something that could be left in the mines across the planet,

DF – Especially since it’s much more commonly found in books (except this one) and personal experience.
NW – I wonder what an ore of knowledge looks like. “C’mon everyone! I struck calculus.”

for cognation was under threat by the humans that wished to eliminate everything that could facilitate thinking.

DF – I thought they wanted gold?
NW[insert Washington DC joke]

Why they wanted to do such a thing was really an unknown piece of info in itself, but he pretty much surmised that it was the inherent evil of the hominids that really caused all the ills of existence.

DF – I doubt that, since they really just seemed interested in gold. Then again, the author’s turned all of humanity into a tracing paper cutout of greed and stupidity, incapable of formulating or adjusting usable strategies and yet somehow able to invent and build machinery at least as complex as a catapult, so why not? Let’s just blame everything on them, even if it makes no sense to.
NW – “Hey Dennagon, we’re out of coffee.” “Damn you humans!”

Nevertheless, he knew only one thing – he had to know as much as possible before it was too late.
Out of curiosity, he stroked the ball again.

DF – …I’m trying so hard not to laugh…
NW – Now we know why he doesn’t want anyone disturbing him.

“Who is the day’s most efficient sentry?” he asked.
“The day’s most efficient sentry is Sentry Dennagon.”

DF – Pretty impressive, considering he’s done absolutely nothing useful so far.
NW – The others do less than nothing.

As usual.

DF – Modest, isn’t he?

He had taken the role of the best info hunter in the entire collective, and for that he was both despised and love.

DF – But he hates everybody, so no one cares. And stop using info, it doesn’t fit in the setting you’re trying to create.
NW – Ah yes, info hunting. I remember the days when we had to saddle up and ride out in the frontier to catch the day’s wikipedia entry. Made a man out of ya! You kids today have it so easy with it all contained for your viewing.

The attention he liked,

DFLIAR.

for it often made him feel significant, even amongst dragons that he didn’t really care for.

DF – And yet, nobody noticed him on his way home, probably because he was trying so hard to get away from everybody. Because he hates them.
NW – Maybe he has a secret identity like Superman.

It was a wonder that he even cared about comparing himself to others in the first place,

DF – Let me help you then, Dennananana; it’s because you’re an arrogant egotist.
NW – “Isn’t it incredible how humble I am?”

but he was aware of precisely why he did want to stay above them. It was for himself. Not for the advancement of his ego,

DF – Again, LIAR.

but for his own good. He wanted to make himself proud.

DF – Even though he’s nothing more than a cold-blooded murderer. Aww.
NW – Remember kids, it’s for your own good to be really self-absorbed.

Before his mind could wander, he focused on his mission once again.

DF – What mission? You’re off-duty.
NW – A drinking mission!

“Did anyone hail my wrath?”

DF – Wait, what?

The crystal ball let out a beep.
“You have three unheard messages,” it stated. “Message one -”

DF – It’s an answering machine, too! And probably a telephone. Seriously, is there anything that thing can’t do?
NW – Run Windows Vista.

Dennagon grabbed a random book and started searching through the masses of literature at his four feet.

DF – …Why?

“-sent today at 8:10 and 26 seconds.”

DF – My bad, it’s better than an answering machine. It tells you the exact second the call came. And yet, I don’t care.

Someone else’s voice resounded.

DF – That’s generally the idea behind an answering machine.

It was a recorded directive.
“Sentry Dennagon. I bring word from the Archive Lord. A wisdom gathering is commencing later.

DF – This just screams Saturday morning cartoon.

You should come. For your own good…”

DF – Way to vaguely threaten your best worker, Anonymous Voice!
NW – Sounds like any other boss in Corporate. “We’re holding this meeting to see why not enough work is getting done.”

Dennagon touched something very cold on the floor.

DF – Ew.
NW – Are you sure this isn’t a colossal hoax? It’s like every sentence is as wrong as possible. He describes things we don’t need to know and then tells us nothing about things we really do need to know.

“No thank you,” he mumbled to himself.
“Message two – sent today at 3:10 and 8 seconds.”

DF – By the way, is that AM or PM?
NW – TM

The cold substance was ice.

DF – I think I’ve asked this before, but…why…?

Fortunately, it was still solid

DF – One of the requirements for ice, really.

and he could feel the chilled carcass of a lion underneath.

DF – Ew!

Wrapping his claws around its furry hide, he pulled it out.

DF – Of what? It was on the floor.
NW – The pile of books. Though why you’d want to keep your books piled on top of a frozen lion carcass is beyond me.

The second message started playing.
“Are you tired of being a dolt?

DF – I dunno, are you tired of being an infomercial in the Dark Ages?
NW – Ah spoofs. Not great, but I’ll take what I can get.

Then try our new and improved memory spells! Crafted by our most superior magicians, these scrolls are guaranteed to enhance your recollection or your gold pieces back!

DF – Of course it’s probably one of those cases where if they don’t improve your memory, they’ll make it so you don’t remember your name, much less that you want your gold back. Besides, I thought these dragons didn’t have gold.
NW – If they’ll help us forget this, I’m buying.

Approved by the Drakemight council.”
“Definitely no thank you,” responded Dennagon with a jowl-full of lion meat.

DF – There went my photosynthetic dragon theory. Also, stop being disgusting!
NW – Why do fire-breathing dragons eat everything raw?

“Message three – sent three minutes ago.”
Reclining, he opened up a good book, only to find that it was a good book he already read.

DF – Yes, it was established that you read all the books already.

Tossing it away, he took another one, as well as another bite out of his lion.
Meanwhile, an ominous heaving breath was emitted from the crystal ball.

DF – Remember; phone- er, I mean crystal ball harrassment affects everyone.
NW – I remember once when this crazy girl left like 30,000 message on my magic 8-ball.
DF – I’ll probably regret this, but…what did they say?
NW – Outlook not so good.

It bore the desperate tone of a creature near death, which meant that it was probably a prank call.

DF – Isn’t he just the bestest good guy evar?
NW – It’s like he and Eragon are in a race to the bottom.

“I speak for the fate of dragonkind,” it declared in a female voice.

DF – Hey guys, guess who finally showed up to the party? That’s right, the plot! How’d you guess?
NW – Damn thing was probably stuck in traffic.

He opened another book that he had read before. Knocking it away, he flipped through countless others that were piled up all around. Each one flashed him

DFsnerk
NW – So he does read Playdragon for the articles.

with an aggravating sense of déjà vu.

DF – We already know it’s futile; why don’t you?

Theories On The Macrocosm/Microcosm Unity. He read it. The 0th Evolution. He read it. The Anatomy Of Existence, The Theory Of Nothing, The Infinitieth Dimension and Holographix. Read it, read it, read it.

DF – Gotta love how the author tossed around random and nonexistent words to make his Gary Stu sound smart, yet said Stu can’t figure out that he’s not going to find anything he hasn’t read already. Or that it’s possible to enjoy the same book (again, except this one) more than once.
NW – It’s nice of the crystal ball message to wait for him to finish searching.

All of it.

DF – So get a new book already.
NW – How can he when Midnight Sun isn’t out yet???

All the while, the last message played.
“We’ve not many trices left.

DF – That word’s not meant to be used that way.
NW – None of these words were meant to be used this way. Shakespeare must be feeling like Oppenheimer right about now. (“I never would have invented English if I knew this would happen…”)

The very existence of life may soon end.”

DF – That’s Dennagon’s fault, he keeps killing everything.
NW – Sign you’re too pretentious #27: You use more than one word to say “apocalypse”.

Dennagon finished up the last bit of his lion, excluding the rear end of course.

DF – Because everybody lets about a quarter of their meat supply rot. (Hey, he didn’t specify how much counts as ‘the rear end’.)
NW – Dragons despise hot dogs.

With a mouthful of carrion, he grumbled.
“Crystal ball, delete this message.”

DF – I know it’s annoying when the main character is incredibly gullible, but this is just a bit much with the cynicism for me. And I’m the cynical one in my family.
NW – Whatever.

The crystal ball started to process the request, but as it did, the female voice made a declaration.

DF – ‘Said’ is not a bad word. You can use it more than once, really.
NW – How long does it take crystal balls to delete stuff? Funny he didn’t ask it to delete the spam.

“The Lexicon is in peril,” it said.

DFFINALLY.
NW – How can I know how to feel about this without music cues? I need music cues!

The words walloped Dennagon like a ton of maces.

DF – Literally? hopeful
NW – So the magic words for the spell to stun a dragon is ‘The Lexicon is in peril’?

He snapped his neck forth, hurling out the chewed carnage in his jaws.

DF – I already told you to stop being disgusting!
NW – Sign you’re too pretentious #17: You use more than five syllables to describe a spit take.

With slaver dripping over his chest

DF – Our mighty, super-intelligent hero, folks. He can’t even manage to not drool on himself.
NW – That’s what stunning spells do to you.

he thrust his open claws desperately out to the ball.

DF – He changed his mind about the evil sentient heroin fish egg.
NW – That sentence is filthy.

“Ignore that command!” he shouted.

DF – But it was too late. The end.

The crystal ball did so, and the message resumed.

DF – Aww…darn it.
NW – So they do come with recycle bins.

Dennagon, his head perked, listened intently. Nothing else seemed to exist.

DF – He’s still drooling on himself, isn’t he?
NW – Aren’t you reading? Drool doesn’t exist any more.

“From the edges of the sky, I call to you,” stated the unidentified female.

DF – Even though everybody but Dennagon knows who it is. This is why the prologue was completely unnecessary.
NW – The joke’s on you. It’s really Oprah.

“You are all we have left.

DF – ‘Help us Obi- I mean Dennagon, you’re our only hope.’
NW – Now the economic crisis is hitting dragons?

I impose nothing on you, but please consider our request. The world is in your talons, Dennagon.”

DF – Then the World is doomed.
NW – Oh drat, I was hoping it was just a generic distress call and we’d get a “you showed up?” sneer later.

Silence. There was no more. He seized the ball and started wringing it madly.

DF – Am I the only one getting the wrong impression?
NW – He’s going to need a doctor if he keeps this up.

“That’s it?! That’s all?!”

DF – No, it just now gained sentience and decided to keep the rest from you.
NW – How awesome would it be if his rash “delete that” command corrupted the file?

“Affirmative,” it replied.
“Trace that call! Where did it come from?!”

DF – The edges of the sky, she told you that.
NW – Add ‘*69’ to the crystal ball’s ability list.

Another beep. The mana flowed through the crystal structure, letting it reach out to the landscapes of the planet

DF – Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…* Wha? Oh, there’s more?
NW – Yep, but I’ll sum up: We’re all doomed, but Dennagon saves everyone, The End.

and find the traces of magic left by all those who used sorcery on the World. It streamed across the globe, but marked only a broken trail left by the broken creature that called upon it not long ago. That trail was displayed within the shimmering orb.

DF – Will to live…draining…
NW – Now the crystal is a GPS. Maybe the Lexicon is the user manual for this thing.

Dennagon examined it. It was quite a distance from his locale,

DF – Yay more thesaurus abuse!
NW – ImpishIdea needs to pass out ribbons for Thesaurus abuse awareness.
DF

(Not my best work, but…)

about a hundred miles away near the Cadin Dunes. “From the edges of the sky” she said,

DF – That’s four times total!

so she must have been high above the surface.

DF – Nice deduction there, Sherlock.
NW – Sherlock was a drug user you know. Coincidence?
DF – I think not!

He could be there in a little over forty minutes at best.

DF – So he can fly at around 150mph?

Nonetheless, his capability of arriving there did not account for an important question indeed – should he go there?

DF – So it’s suddenly not so important anymore?
NW – Sign you’re too pretentious #4: You use indeed, outside of a conversation, in fiction.

His frozen thoughts

DF – It doesn’t sound like his thoughts are frozen to me.
NW – They are after eating freezing lion. Like drinking a slurpee.

suddenly melted as the crystal ball let out a ringing sound.

DF – It even rings like a phone! falls over laughing
NW – But in irony, it can’t get the latest solja boy ringtone.

Snatching it, he put it to his ear.

DF – I’m loving this part!
NW – A novel is clearly the wrong medium for this story. It needs to be a comic book.

A deep, ominous voice spoke to him.

DF – Nooooo wait! I want to know more about making phone calls on the crystal ball! Does it have a rotary dial or a keypad for sending out calls?
NW – Does it have caller ID? Can you conference call with it? Is long distance reasonably priced?

“Your lord summons you. Meet him in an hour,” it demanded.

DF – Okay guys, guess what Dennagon’s not going to be doing in an hour?
NW – Anything we care about.

“Who is this?”
“Your lord himself.”

DF – Don’t you love it when the guy in charge takes time out of his busy day to boss lowly sentries around?
NW – I guess it doesn’t have caller ID.

A deep roar accompanied the fading vocalization as it disconnected. Dennagon set the crystal ball down and touched the temples of his cranium.

DF – Just in case you don’t know where your temples are.
NW – Actually DF, in some creatures that may or may not be true. Cladists classify land vertebrates based on the presence of an upper hole, a lower hole, both, or neither in the cover of dermal bone which formerly covered the temporalis muscle. Turtles are the only ones without a ‘temple’, other replies without it are since extinct. Since we don’t have dragons today, this means they could have been a part of the group that didn’t have this feature. Except I just put in more work on this thing than the author did.

There would be no way to reach both the Cadin Dunes and the Archive within the span of sixty minutes,

DF – Onoes! What will Dennananana doooooo!!!!!!!1!1!11!2
NW – Whatever he does, we know it’ll be the right choice.

and there was no defying the lord to which his decree was ultimately bound. Then again, he was never known as one who followed any beckoning.

DF – And yet you’ll happily follow the beckoning of some stranger in the middle of nowhere. Don’t deny it; we all know you will.
NW – The caller was a she. So of course he’s going to follow it if it means getting some tail. [sorry]

Alas, he came to a conclusion, for there was no time to falter with decisions.

DF – And the author still doesn’t know how to use that word. I think he means ‘at last’ but sometimes that doesn’t even fit.
NW – When determining the author’s intention, just assume the most awesome possibility.
DF – That assumes there is an awesome possibility.
NW – I didn’t say the possibility itself was awesome. Just that among your selection, the most awesome one.
DF – What, that the author was smacked around with a thesaurus as a child?

Knocking piles of books out of his way, he opened the hatch and took to the air. Gliding through the dusk atmosphere, he soared toward the city walls, outside of Drakemight and to the unknown.

DF – Okay, by show of hands: who saw that coming? raises hand
NW – If you didn’t,

Mystery lured him with every passing breeze.

DF – Well, it’s nice to know that there’s something that’ll get you in gear, anyway.
NW – If this turns out to be the most elaborate spam call ever, I take back everything I said about this book.

—————
Crystalline clouds separated the murky stratosphere of the desert

DF – Deserts are murky? Since when?
NW – It’s like he set the Setting Generator 5000™ on “random”.

from the orange and purple bands of the celestial zenith.

DF – What?
NW – We’re clearly too stupid to be reading this. Or not enough.

Rain had not fallen upon the Cadin Dunes in well over a thousand years, yet these clouds did not signify that there was any moisture to come.

DF – That happens when your clouds are made of crystal.

No, they were there merely to linger as emblems of false hope, teasing the inhabitants of the long-forgotten death fields with the promise of water.

DF – I’ve never lived in the desert, so could someone who has tell me how often you see clouds there?
NW – More than you might think, except for Antarctica (the driest desert on earth), water still hits these places, which is why things live there. If rain hadn’t fallen in a thousand years (does dew count?), then there should be nothing living.

All the while, the glass ozone layer

DF – Well that’s not normal.
NW – Preserve the ozone layer. Stop throwing rocks!

laughed at them

DF – And that’s really not normal.
NW – If you don’t like the weather… well maybe the weather doesn’t like you either.

above the silver linings of the wispy winds, rolling the airborne perspiration about;

DF – Ew to that mental picture.

but never letting it go.

DF – I’m pretty sure the ozone layer has no say in this, since there are few (if any) clouds that high. Also because it’s a nonliving, insentient collection of gases and, in this case, glass.

Glumly, it frowned, a murky jester,

DF – Again, since when?

under the descending sun enshrouded in gloom.

DF – Nonsensical book is nonsensical. I should be used to this by now…
NW – Are we still going on about the clouds? Sign you’re too pretentious #1: You describe something unimportant to depths that make Tolkien cry.

It allowed none to pass it’s damning gaze.

DF – Who is this ‘it’?
NW – That’s a pretty mean evil eye.

That was not to say that no one ever approached.

DF – Well, I can understand why anybody in this book would want to kill themselves…

Draconic wings pushed the foggy clouds away, rising from the scorched lands below

DF – I think the author is slightly confused on what a desert is. Among other things.
NW – This is what happens when you let an infinite number of monkeys type.

Dennagon, sentry of the collective,

DF – We know.

tore through the floating condensation, his tail lashing about like a fishy fin and his scales speckled shiny by the drops of water they gathered on the way.

DFsigh…
NW – Sparkle count: 1.

He was a hundred miles from his homeland, and a thousand miles above the ground,

DF – Which is pretty impressive when you consider that the atmosphere is generally measured as being between 62 and 75 miles thick, assuming this planet is supposed to be Earth or Earth-like. There’s more past that distance, but nobody cares enough to include it. :(
NW – Dragons… in… SPACE!

which would make him very late for his commanded meeting.

DF – Actually, Dennananana, you’re very far from your commanded meeting, since by your own estimates you still have a little under 20 minutes before it starts. So you’re not technically late yet.

There had better have been something good there, or someone would pay the price and face his wrath.
“Is anyone out there?” he echoed across the atmosphere. “Who here hath summoned my presence and drove me from my duties?”

DF – You’re not on duty, and why the heck are you speaking that formally all of a sudden? You didn’t even talk to your lord like that.
NW – Lured from your duties. Drove implies that there was something behind you, pushing you out. Not in front of you, pulling you out.

Some of the gaseous precipitation began to churn.

DF – Cloud butter?

It looked almost as if a creature were trying to sneak up on him. He pretended not to notice.

DF – One of these days, that attitude’s going to get him stabbed in the back or worse. And I will laugh.

“Who? Is anyone out there?”
Finally, the bubbling patch of vapor tumbled before him. Bursting out from underneath, a female drake emerged, her scales as blue as the sky would be at noon,

DF – One prologue and two-thirds of the first chapter, and we only now find out what color she is. Note to the author: YOU’RE WASTING TIME DESCRIBING THE WRONG THINGS.
NW – Geez DF, what’s your obsession with a dragon’s color? It’s what’s on the inside that counts you know.
DF – I’d rather not see her insides, kthnx.

and her body as lithe as it was sinewy. She bore no wings, as her subspecies naturally did not, yet she loomed amidst the sky and stood upon the clouds as if they were ground.

DF – Whiskey tango foxtrot?!
NW – This is why you’re careful with your metaphors. So those “crystal clouds” earlier… are they literally crystal or was that a description? This part here implies the former.

Even as her body was damaged by the gashes of battle,

DF – Which were somehow not a hindrance to her during the prologue. SUUUUUUE.
NW – Or right now. In the clouds. Thousands of miles above the ground.

her face was still as pristine and innocent as a gem,

DF – And once again, LIAR. She got her cheek slashed in the prologue.

untainted by her disheveled and unkempt appearance.

DF – I’m finding that pretty hard to believe, too.

But he knew better than to judge a book by it’s cover.

DF – Then why do you only have books with overly complicated names on their covers?

There was certainly some sorcery involved,

DF – I’ll say, she’s standing on clouds! In space!

some form of energy behind those seemingly weary eyes that had just witnessed vast streams of death.

DF – Now how does he know that she’s ‘witnessed vast streams of death’?
NW – So I guess her face isn’t so innocent.

Or, at least there was another beast in the vicinity.

DF – Another sentence that makes no sense. Oh, wait, that’s the same as all the sentences in this book.
NW – See people? This is what happens when you let fan fiction off the internet.

“Yea,” she replied almost sarcastically.
“What is thy name?”

DF – We’ve gone from ‘who is this?’ to ‘what is thy name?’ in almost two pages. What happened?

“I am Lyconel. Lyconel the azure drake.”

DF – Who I will be calling Lycanol for probably the rest of the book, purely because it makes her sound like a prescription drug. Also, he can see you’re a blue drake, Lycanol.
NW – I almost called her Lysol.

Dennagon furrowed his brow, searching his memory.
“Lyconel. That sounds familiar…”
“I am known here and there, maybe everywhere. Dennagon.”

DF – Lies.

“And how do you know me?”
“Because we share one thing in common. We both seek the same entity.”

DF – You only wish it were that easy.
NW – Oh no! It’s some sick love triangle.

Dennagon snorted green fire from his nostrils.

DF – Now, Denny, we’ve talked about those antifreeze and roach poison mixers; they’re not good for you.

He wasn’t going to be led in a roundabout riddle.

DF – For once, I agree, but I bet it’ll happen anyway.
NW – Silly dragon. You’re still in the first chapter.

“I am a sentry of Drakemight. I will not be hassled with paradoxes or lengthy doctrines of poetic nature. You will tell me what your purpose is in speaking, lest I cast you forth into the gorges of doom whereupon my emerald fires shall rip past your scaly hide and smite you with great force upon the desiccated dunes down under.

DF – That’s…yeah. Wow. Overreact much?

Thence

DF – You weren’t done yet?!

shall your corpse remain, a battered, broken ruin upon the wretched earth from whence you were spawned.”
Lyconel smirked.
“You guard knowledge?” she asked.

DF – Hello, and welcome to Let’s State the Obvious! Our contestants today are Dennananana and Lycanol! You both know the rules? Okay, then let’s! State! The Obvious! applause from studio audience
NW – Sign you’re too pretentious #12: Threats spoken by a character are long enough to put people to sleep.

“I live only for that mission, yes.”
“But I’ll bet that’s not what you really want.”
He couldn’t see where this was going.
“You desire, sentry, as I do, the one thing in the universe that can never be found.”

DF – Oh, please. There are at least two dictionaries in my house, and I have access to several more via the internet.
NW – This whole concept is meaningless. Theoretically, if it’s in the universe, it can be found, because it’s there in the first place. I’d say maybe these dragons are going to go look for God, but depending on the theology, He’s not in the universe.

It is the possessor of all data in the universe, the source of everything that can be known.

DF – Well, I have some encyclopedia sets, too.
NW – It’s the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy. How I wish I was reading that. Adams’ pretentiousness was part of the joke.

You are aware of what I speak.”

DF – Also known as listening. The score is now Lycanol 2, Dennananana 0.
NW – Come on team green! Beat those blues.

Now he could. However, he was unmoved.
“Of course,” he bluntly snapped.

DF – Variations of ‘said’ and adverbs! They’re taking over! RUN!

“But such an entity doesn’t exist beyond the mind. It is but a fancy in a million,

DF – The heck does that mean?
NW – Paste the above 500,000 times and you’ll have the summation of our sporking.

an illusory toy for the cerebrum.”
“Then why do you still dream of it every night? Why don’t you attend the wisdom gatherings with the other dragons in the Archive? How come you never want to remember anything the Archive tells you, and how come you hate Drakemight with all your ardor?”

DFgasp! Lycanol’s a stalker!
NW – I told you Dennagon was a Twilight fan.

Her presuppositions were truthful, and he did not comprehend how she could have understood.

DF – Or, she was right and he didn’t know why. We had this discussion during the prologue.

Somehow, he suspected that she already knew the answers to her rhetoric.
“It is all for this one unattainable entity,” she continued.

DF – We’re not talking to you anymore, STALKER!
NW – See? Fanfiction. The nerd wants a girl that does all the hard stuff and just falls in his lap.

Dennagon could not deny the inevitable.

DF – Technically, you can, just not forever.

There was no escaping his subconscious, what with its desires hidden from his waking mind.
“The Lexicon.”

DF – Don’t talk to the stalker!
NW – I keep reading it as a convention being held in Lexington, KY. Maybe Dennagon loves derby days.

The words came out almost mechanically,

DF – Mechanical words, what’ll they think of next?

as if some force had driven him to utter the truth in all its light.
“It exists, Dennagon. It is your choice whether or not you wish to find it.

DF – But we all know you will, so let’s go already.
NW – Has anyone else read Naomi Novik’s dragon series? If not why are you reading this? Go read her already. She does everything right as great as Eng and Paolini do everything wrong. Like pacing.

Follow me or stay with your collective.”

DF – Now I’m curious; how are all these large carnivores living in huge groups? That’d take some pretty big ranches to feed all of them. Or, if they’re hunting for themselves, it shouldn’t be possible to find enough food. Then again, they fly at about 1507.5 mph… (Thank you, Scary_Viking!)
NW – Borg Dragons!

With that, Lyconel turned about. Trudging toward the sun in the horizon, she slowly walked away, shrinking with every step. She was not turning back, not in space and not in time.

DF – How does one turn back in time?
NW – Step 1) Get some special mushrooms…

Dennagon watched, his expression almost numbed by the unbelievable experience he had endured.

DF – I know, dude, she was, like, walking on the space clouds!

There were so many questions he wanted to ask, but there was no time to resolve them. If he followed, perhaps she would put a spell on him.

DF – Well, she can do that anytime, while she’s stalking you.
NW – Awwww, isn’t young love so cute?

If he did not, he might forsake his very freedom from his already forsaken life.
Then, a glint of the sunlight on her scales flashed through the stratosphere,

DF – They’re not in the stratosphere.

glimmering upon the glass ozone

DF – Ozone is not glass.
NW – Sparkle count: 2.

until it struck upon his eye.

DF – Too many words…

The blue light immersed him with memories of something he had learned long ago. Recollection surged through his mind, granting him that which he needed at the moment – certainty. As the engrams

DF – Thesaurus abuse! Thesaurus abuse!

poured through his brain, he knew exactly what to do, for he now knew who he was really talking to.

DF – She put a spell on him. Seriously, though, they could have skipped all that if she’d just told him who she was in the first place.
NW – She jogged his memory by flashing him. Yes I said it in the most context free way on purpose.

“Wait,” he said composedly.

DF – Five times, even though this one has an adverb.

She did. A hopeful expression formed on her face.

DF – Which doesn’t seem in character for her, since she’s been such a know-it-all so far this chapter.

However, it just as quickly began to recede as she saw Dennagon reach for his hilt.
“Now I remember you.”

DF – This’ll be good. And by good, I mean I’m going to laugh so hard…

In an instant, the scabbard stretched out into an unsheathed blade that whirled around as an incoming overhead slash was delivered.

DF – HA! Sue vs. Stu! Who will win!
NW – In a battle where there can be no winner!

Lyconel lunged forward, her claws digging into the vapor as the sword narrowly missed her from behind. Both warriors took combative posture.
“But we’ve never met before!” she proposed.

DF – Proposed was really the best you could come up with?
NW – By this logic, I’ve had a dozen women propose to me.

“The Archive informed me of your activities. You once tried to decimate Drakemight City.”

DF – What do you care, you hate Drakemight. For that matter, what do I care? KILL THE SUE!
NW – How is one, non-flying drake a threat to a city full of flying dragons? That’s like saying Mongols tried to decimate an aircraft carrier with bows and arrows.

“You don’t understand.”
“I don’t need to. All I need is knowledge.”

DF – Which is useless unless you understand it. Information hog Stu.

Charging forth, he took another swing at her, his two tons of muscle wildly hurling the blade.

DF – I believe it’s been mentioned elsewhere that swords are not throwing weapons.
NW – So are all of his muscles put together two tons? But then how would he put it all into throwing a weapon? Maybe just his arm weighs two tons? But then he’d have to eat hundreds of lions for the energy needed to stay aloft.

Lyconel drew her mace and clashed just before the metal could meet her bone.

DF – How’d she slip it in there without hurting herself? Oh, right, Mary Sue. Sorry.

Feverishly, they exchanged a furious series of attacks and parries, every blow as thundering as it was devastating.

DF – All while she’s badly wounded. Why hasn’t the Stu killed her yet?
NW – Because she’s a Sue! Immovable object, irresistible force kind of thing.

Metal flew across the air, along with occasional punches, kicks and chops. The flurry of assaults was equaled by the number of blocks, but only Dennagon was truly gaining the advantage of the offensive.

DF – Well I should hope so! She’s exhausted and injured, Dennagon isn’t!
NW – She’s also a girl! And doesn’t have wings. And… actually why hasn’t gravity won yet?

Lyconel squeezed in what hits she could, hoping that her enemy would tire out.

DF – Stupid of her, really, for the reasons mentioned above.

Unfortunately for her, he seemed almost limitless in endurance.

DF – And again, see the above reasons.
NW – You know, just this sentence taken out of context…
DFsnerk

Finally, she lost her concentration. In a disoriented moment, her opponent’s sword sliced her across the abdomen, creating a gash of blood as silver as liquid metal.

DF – She even dies special.
NW – Look DF, we’re about to see her insides.

She bore her fangs in pain, but did not give her enemy the pleasure of her scream.
“Not bad,” she commented.

DF – I know I shouldn’t expect it to be good, but the dialogue really is horrible.
NW – Again, this sentence taken out of context…

“You’re right.”
He wailed a frenzy of claw slashes at her.

DF – Did you hear something?
NW – So he just tossed away his sword?

“It’s excellent,” finished Dennagon.

DF – Why is she still alive?

As he came at her, she crouched. Sliding along the gaseous ice of the clouds,

DF – She remembered that they shouldn’t exist up here, much less be able to support her, and fell to her death.

she slipped underneath him and threw a tail sweep. The small spikes at the tip of her tail whipped him in the back of the cranium, jarring him to the ground.

DF – What ground? You’re basically in space!
NW – If he did hit the ground, at 2 tons+ from a thousand miles up… help me out physic geeks.

He fell onto his side. Growling, he pushed himself up and gave her a menacing snarl.
“Ready?” Lyconel inquired.
Dennagon rushed in again. Lyconel, cocky at her quelling of his arrogance,

DF – Now, now, you’re both arrogant enough to earn my eternal loathing.
NW – Funny how this sequence reads when you remove some small details, like the weapons.
DF – I’m sensing a pattern…

flung her mace at his chest,

DF – Maces are also not throwing weapons. Someone’s been taking lessons from Inheritance.

arcing it downward so that it covered enough area to prevent him from jumping over it. However, as it came, he torqued

DF – That word doesn’t fit.
NW – So she aims to keep him from going up, without realizing that there’s still 4 other directions for him to doge. (right, left, down, back)
DF – Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right?
NW – B-A-start.

in the air, spinning to her side in a way that almost defied the laws of physics.

DF – It’s either because he’s a Stu, or because they’re actually in the Matrix.
NW – What HASN’T defied the laws of physics here?

Before she could let out a confused grunt, his fist rammed into her face, and she was floored onto the cloudy ground. Dizzily, she wavered in her pose.

DF – She’s not in a pose, she’s been knocked to the nonexistent cloud ground.

At this point, Dennagon had had enough.

DFFINISH HER.

Reaching for his belt,

DF – Is his belt some kind of Belt of Holding or something?
NW – He’s a dragon Batman. (Batdragon?)

he pulled out something he used often to slay pesky beasts, a nice little package he kept for efficiency and fun. It was a spellbook, worn and torn at its edge, but still bound together by its unwavering metal book spine.

DF – Why hasn’t he used it before now, you ask? Well, because then he wouldn’t have looked as awesome, of course!
NW – Take off the 2nd sentence there. [chuckle]

Flipping open the cover, he browsed its pages and stopped at several that he had bookmarked.

DF – I don’t care how cool you think you are, Denny, you can’t stop on several different pages all at once.

“All the universe’s hellish wonders,” he read with the ire of a draconic wizard, “give me the strength of mighty thunder!”

DF – So it’s one of those ‘say a stupid poem to get magic’ systems.
NW – “My eyes, my eyes, here they bleed. Burn this book oh pretty please.”

A lightning bolt surged from his palm, ripping across the stratosphere

DF – You’re not in the stratosphere.

like a liquid stream of electric current. It flowed to his adversary in graceful rage, knocking her in the chest as if to steal the air straight from her lungs. Lyconel collapsed.

DFFATALITY! Dennananana wins!

He flipped a page.

DFROUND TWO. FIGHT!

“In the lighted cosmic halls, lend me the craze of azure fireballs!”

DF – Aw, c’mon! The meter wasn’t even close on that one!
NW – “This pain I can’t much more endure. This book will kill me, of this I’m sure.”

Comets as blue as the ocean burned the air, blasting their target, whose equally sapphire torso became even further scarred in the meteor shower.

DF – Comets =/= meteors.
NWDennagon cast [meteor]

Dennagon turned to the last of his favorite pages.
“Strongly does the World ensnare upon its grounds the dreaded air!”

DF – Now that one shouldn’t even work in space…

A mental storm of wind exploded from his mind,

DF – I would never have guessed that a mental (insert object here) would come from someone’s mind.
NW – I’m picturing Dennagon’s head exploding like in Scanners.

unleashing a heavy torrent. The gust struck Lyconel like ten tons of metal, heaving her body off its stance.

DF – What stance?
NW – Does this guy have a weight fetish or something? Note writers: being detailed doesn’t help your metaphor or simile.

Cast in the violent tempest, she tumbled around to the very edges of the cloud.

DF – You mean the cloud that shouldn’t be there anyway, since you’re in space?
NW – Clouds… in… space!

Desperately, she caught onto the rim, the silver lining,

DF – I’m sick of that pun already.
NW – No cliché will be left behind!

before she could plummet to the dunes a thousand miles down.

DF – Do I even need to say it?

Dennagon closed his tome of sorcery and stepped up to his clinging enemy. Holding the sword high above his head, he was ready to kill her.

DF – So do it already!
NW – Clinging enemy? She is a stalker!

“It’ll be quite a fall,” said he,

DF – Said count – 6. And I hope you guys didn’t forget, because the score’s now Lycanol 2, Dennananana 1.

“especially when you don’t have wings.”

DF – Lycanol 2, Dennananana 2! It’s a tie, folks!

“I got up here just fine without them.”

DF – Lycanol 3, Dennananana 2.
NW – “Yeah… wait, how did you get up here?”

He delivered a final slash to her face. Just as the blade neared her claws, she let go, plunging to the surface below. It was almost as if she planned to release herself, yet it did not seem as though she intended to die.

DF – Of course, they’re in space, so there should be zero gravity.

As she fell, her last words to him faded.
“The World is what you make of it…”

DF – I bet she lives.
NW – The author already spoiled it 3 sentences ago. As if he was foreshadowing to the reader, “Don’t worry, the Sue will make it.”

Dennagon watched as she shrunk in the distance. He wanted to pursue her and finish her off, but decided that it was best to save his energy.

DF – Yeah, because diving is so difficult.

After all, she was obviously a lunatic, right?

DF – Well you’re a Gary Stu, so there.
NW – Wait, I thought that was a sporking. Who’s he talking to?

Who would drive themselves of a cloud and expect to live,

DF – Actually, you drove her off the space cloud.

save for an imbecile who was willing to sacrifice his existence for the whimsical indulgence of a dream unattained?

DF – So what does happen to a dream unattained?

The very thought was ridiculous,

DF – As is the rest of the book so far, what’s your point?
NW – Ridiculous is par for the course. Kind of like a Roald Dahl story. Except, you know, he was awesome and his pretentiousness was also part of the joke.

and it perturbed him greater that his paranoia fancied she might survive.

DF – Yep. She’ll definitely live.
NW – In case the first foreshadowing wasn’t obvious enough.

He tried to relinquish the thought, and surrender all nonsensical worries. He wasn’t afraid of phantasms as a whelp and he certainly would not concede to fear now.

DF – What does one have to do with the other, exactly?

Alas, she vanished completely as a vapor stream passed before his vision.

DF – And sadly, that’s probably the closest we’re likely to get to the proper usage of ‘alas’.

He had other duties to attend. Judging by the position of the sun, he could tell that it was precisely 18:29,

DF – Good for you! Now watch as I fail to care.

which marked the eve of a thirty-hour day. He had spent ten minutes here, ten minutes of his life wasted. Even worse off, he was late in finishing those books he intended to read later in the day.

DF – What books? You’ve read them all already, and you refuse to re-read anything!
NW – Told you it was Playdragon.

But even worse — he was late for his meeting with the Archive Lord.

DF – That’s your own fault.
NW – Why is he worried? Meetings waste even more time.

“Crud,” he thought to himself.
Without another second wasted, he darted into the distance, wings flapping with urgency. There was not a moment to spare, for as he flew, his master waited for his arrival. He could almost feel the anger building, the impatience tearing through the fabric of the World as if the dragon king’s decree were all that mattered in reality.

DF – Should’ve thought of that earlier, Mr. I-Don’t-Follow-Any-Beckoning.
NW – I think we have a dragon with bipolar disorder.

He just hoped it wasn’t too late.

DF – I, meanwhile, hope it is.

For what hope was worth…

DF – I’m just glad this chapter is finally over. Next time: I don’t know, but we can bet Denananana’s still a Stu.
NW – That was just one chapter? =O

Tagged as:

Comment

  1. LiquidNitrogen on 11 March 2009, 02:31 said:

    So many logic holes…painful. :(

  2. scary_viking on 11 March 2009, 04:31 said:

    Wow.

    Just…wow.

    Wow.

    So, uh, 40 minutes to go up 1000 miles and over 100. Assuming he does it in a straight line, that’s ~1005 miles total. 1005/40 is 25.125, *60 = 1507.5 mph. While flying upwards at an 84 degree angle.

    Afterburning turbojet dragon much?

  3. SlyShy on 11 March 2009, 05:59 said:

  4. Ari on 11 March 2009, 06:05 said:

    The words! They buuuuurrrn! My eyes are melting…

    And those poor thesauri. stands protectively in front of her thesaurus Stop the abuse!

  5. falconempress on 11 March 2009, 06:59 said:

    I marvel at your exceptional artistic skill, SlyShy, for it perfectly expresses my feelings and opinions on this issue:P

    on second thought – maybe i shouldnt have read this whole article on one sitting:P

    great spork, Drunk Fox!

  6. Dan Locke on 11 March 2009, 10:13 said:

    Funny, I always thought that a drake was a male duck. I learn something new every day.

  7. Screamingfangirl on 11 March 2009, 10:40 said:

    I didn’t know ancient medieval dragons with a thirst for knowledge said “crud.”
    It’s really easy to tell that this whole book was written in about a month.

  8. SubStandardDeviation on 11 March 2009, 10:52 said:

    …I have no words, so I’ll let the text speak for me:

    “Are you tired of being a dolt?

    “Definitely no thank you,”

    The words came out almost mechanically,

    Also, “said X-ly” utilizes an adverb, not adjective.

  9. Spanman on 11 March 2009, 10:56 said:

    A male duck is a gander.

    Or is that a male goose…?

    Oh well. Terrific sporkings, Drunk Fox. It was super long but made up for it with hilarious awfulness. :D

  10. Dan Locke on 11 March 2009, 11:28 said:

    It’s a male goose.

  11. OverlordDan on 11 March 2009, 11:34 said:

    Male goose is gander, as in “Whats good for the goose is good for the gander.” (I think thats how it goes :/)

    And while I’m on a roll, a male duck is a… a… Mduck? I got nothin’.

    Can’t wait for the next one :D

  12. WiseWillow on 11 March 2009, 12:27 said:

    A male duck is a drake.

    Ok, I must concur with SlyShy… Facepalm

    This book should be shredded and recycled to print Twilight, its so bad.

  13. The Drunk Fox on 11 March 2009, 13:25 said:

    SSD, I always get those confused. No idea why, since adverb has “verb” right in the name, but…

    scary_viking: Ack, you’re right! I forgot to factor in the height after his altitude was mentioned!

  14. Snow White Queen on 11 March 2009, 20:51 said:

    I love these, Drunk Fox! Keep ‘em coming!

  15. Travithian on 11 March 2009, 22:36 said:

    You are full of WIN.
    Oddly enough, the thing that most disturbs me is that…he uses his books as a refrigerator? Seriously? After all his blabbing about his love for knowledge he sticks a melting…lion carcass…in his precious books?
    Wait, I forgot. He’s already read them. So it doesn’t matter if the pages get wet and the ink runs because they now deserve to BURN.

  16. scary_viking on 12 March 2009, 00:37 said:

    Well, depending on how you look at it, sort of. It sounds like his floor is essentially made up of a huge pile of books that he plows through. The carcass was in ice. But given how the piles are mentioned, it’s always possible that books are assisting to insulate the ice and meat. Either way, Denananana is messy.

  17. That Wanderer on 12 March 2009, 02:45 said:

    Isn’t a male duck a mallard?

    Never mind, I think that’s a certain species.

    That book causes excruciating pain in readers.
    Also, where the heck did the word “crud” come from? What time period are we in again? Someone remind me, because I don’t get it. It’s a place where they use swords, but they have magical phone/answering machine/clock/whateveritis crystal balls and gears?

    And I’m also not really understanding what kind of mood he’s trying to make here. He constantly uses words like ‘alas’ and later formal language (hath, thrice? Wot?) yet his characters make statements like, “Would you please try to kill me later, I’m in the middle of a tome,” and he makes random, rare short sententences (“Read it, read it.”)

    That was kind of long. Whatever, retarded book is retarded.

  18. The Drunk Fox on 12 March 2009, 12:37 said:

    Yeah, a mallard is a species of duck, a drake is a male duck (and a female duck is a hen). Drake is also an older word for dragon, though, and it still pops up here and there. There’s at least one book I’ve read that has the word used for a male dragon, for example.

    Anyway, can anybody tell me what’ll happen if I try to edit this spork? I noticed some spelling/punctuation errors (not to mention the mathematics fail on my part that scary_viking pointed out), among other things.

  19. Nate Winchester on 12 March 2009, 13:31 said:

    I’ve edited my works before and it just updates what appears on screen. Though if you’re concerned about people’s statements being out of date, you might consider just deleting the spork and reposting it. But I’ve had no problems before with editing. (such as my magic treatise where i posted in the comments that I had updated it)

  20. The Drunk Fox on 12 March 2009, 13:59 said:

    Okay then, thanks. I’m not worried about statements being out of date, just about accidentally posting the same spork twice or otherwise breaking something.

  21. Snow White Queen on 13 March 2009, 19:58 said:

    Yay, Nate Winchester has joined the team!

    Great spork, as usual.

  22. CherryPep on 6 April 2009, 12:34 said:

    “If he did hit the ground, at 2 tons+ from a thousand miles up… help me out physic geeks.”

    Let’s say Dennasue’s weight is ~ 1800 kg
    So the actual force due to gravity is
    F_grav=mg
    F_grav=mass of dragon * 9.8 m/s^2 (as Dennasue will agree)
    =1.8*10^3 kg*9.6

    Now, we can work out the maximum velocity that the dragon could eventually achieve in falling looking at potential vs kinetic energy:
    pe=mgh,
    ke=1/2 mv^2

    m = 1.8*10^3,
    h=a thousand miles, or 3.218×10^6 metres
    g=9.8 m/s ^2

    Except for one thing. g is actually governed by an inverse square law, so the further you get from Earth, the more it diminishes. And as it happens, we can calculate what it would be at a thousand miles up, using the well-known

    F=G (m1 m2/ r^2)

    G is the gravitational constant: 6.673*10^-11

    F is the g we’re looking for (local force due to gravity). It’s calculated per gram, ie. in standard si units, so m2 is 1. Which leaves us with:

    g=G * (Earth’s mass / (Earth’s radius + height above surface)^2)

    Earth’s radius = 6.38*10^6
    Earth’s weight = 5.98*10^24

    g=(6.673e-11 * 5.98e24)/(6.38e6 + 3.218×10^6)^2
    So g on their cloud=4.3317244020

    They should be feeling like very light dragons (they wouldn’t be breathing or talking, either, as 99.9% of the atmosphere is below 100km upwards, but I digress). As this is not mentioned, and because I’m too lazy to deal with gravity gradients in this comment, let’s leave out the advanced maths and pretend that he said ten kilometres. After all, your basic high-level cloud is between about 5km and 15km up, so it seems most likely that Eng added a couple of zeros through, eh, hyperbole.

    Now, at 10km we can assume that g remains relatively stable:

    pe=mgh,
    ke=1/2 mv^2

    mgh=1/2 mv^2
    hence gh=1/2 v^2
    (Unless we start to care about things like drag, we can ignore the dragon’s mass)
    Rearrange for velocity: sqrt(2gh)=v

    h=10km, 10*10^3m
    g=9.8 m/s ^2

    sqrt(2 * 9.81 * 10*10^3) = 442m/s when the dragon hits the ground, or ‘vaporises on impact’ as it might be. That would be significantly faster than the speed of sound, incidentally.

    However, sooner or later the dragon’s going to achieve terminal velocity, so the maximum speed calculated above is rather larger than the real answer. Which means we need to work out the force due to air resistance:
    F_drag=C_drag * density of air * terminal velocity of dragon * area of dragon’s butt

    Of course, terminal velocity is reached when F_drag is equal to the force of gravity; g, or 9.81m/s^2.

    We’re going to have to guess for most of it, not even mentioning the fact that these variables will be significantly altered as the dragon falls closer to the earth’s surface.

    Density of air is 1 g/L.
    Area of dragon’s butt, well, let’s just guess at 2m tall (since soldiers can run into his hand…) and about 1m wide, because I’m lazy, hence A=2.

    v = sqrt[(m g)/(0.5 c p A)]

    in our case,
    v=sqrt((1800*9.81)/(0.5*c*1*2))

    It’s hard to decide what should go in c; drag coefficient varies for many reasons. One is the shape of the dragon. Pick the one you like best from http://www.insideracingtechnology.com/tech102drag.htm

    I’m going to randomly decide that dragons are fairly aerodynamic, and pick a c of 0.3 (about that of a car according to that site).

    v=sqrt((1800*9.81)/0.5*0.3*2))

    sqrt(17658/0.3)=297 m/s

    So the dragon is going to be falling at almost 300 m/s, a couple of dozen m/s short of the speed of sound, when it hits the ground. Still very much splat time…

    (gods, I must be bored)

  23. CherryPep on 6 April 2009, 12:34 said:

    Oh yeah… Also, I laughed out loud at some of this spork. You guys are brave. And tenacious.

  24. SMARTALIENQT on 30 May 2009, 22:22 said:

    Sign you’re too pretentious #12: Threats spoken by a character are long enough to put people to sleep.

    Or you are just that awesome.

  25. fffan on 11 February 2010, 08:53 said:

    if you guys make tee-shirts against abusing thesuaruses, with little messages like “stop the abuse” i’ll definately buy 50 thousand of them and post 49,999 to mr. Eng. with little notes attached to each shirt saying things like “the thesauruses are watching you veeeeery closely” :)