Hur, hur. I c wut u did thar.
Rapier Twit: 1
Seriously, that’s a record – a count from the chapter’s title.
The chapter proper begins with our protagonists arriving at the church Bane told them about at the end of the previous chapter. It has a nice fence around it which is, unsurprisingly, locked. A fact that Clary feels the need to point out immediately after the narration mentions the nice big padlock.
No Shit Sherlock: 1
Two counts, and we’re only a paragraph is, folks!
But Jace pulls out his wand and goes to work on the lock, because that’s so much simpler than, I don’t know, hopping the fence like a normal person.
Oh, wait, here’s the reason – it gives Clary/CC another chance to ogle Jace.
Both Hands, Ma’am: 1
Way to kill any sense of urgency, CC.
The lock falls to the ground, and it appears to have been melted. Jace, of course, is unduly proud of this. I’m going to go through this next bit a piece at a time.
The padlock hit the ground with a clang, a twisted lump of metal. Jace looked pleased with himself. “As usual,” he said, “I’m amazingly good at that.”
Jace, it doesn’t count if you destroy the lock in the process of picking it.
Clary felt suddenly annoyed. “When the self-congratulatory part of the evening is over, maybe we could get back to saving my best friend from being exsanguinated to death?”
Really Clary? Not two paragraphs ago you were swooning over the “swell of muscles” under his shirt. Or are you just now starting to realize that Jace is only attractive when he’s not speaking?
“Exsanguinated,” Jace said, impressed. “That’s a big word.”
CC, having your characters point out your thesaurus abuse doesn’t excuse it.
“And you’re a big-”
“Tsk, tsk,” he interrupted. “No swearing in church.”
Well, I’m not in a church, so I’ll just say what we’re all thinking – Jace, you’re a narcissistic dick. Please do the universe a favor and go fuck yourself in the ass with a chainsaw. That’s on fire.
They walk up to the church’s doors, and only now does Clary consider that breaking into a church is morally iffy at best. But only the church itself, it seems, as she’s perfectly alright with breaking into church property.
We get an oddly detailed description of Jace’s hand as he puts it on the door
Both Hand’s, Ma’am: 2
and he gives the Super Secret Shadowhunter Password, and the doors open.
I know they aren’t technically breaking in, but they are still gaining access to the building by means that aren’t, strictly speaking, legal. So, no, just because Jace didn’t melt the lock, I’m still calling it breaking and entering. Congratulations, CC – you’re heroes are felons twice over.
Blah blah, they go inside. It seems Clary’s never been inside a church before, because all her points of reference are from entertainment. CC tries to gain some nerd cred by mentioning that a scene from one of Clary’s favorite animes was in a church, but I won’t bite because CC lacks either the conviction or the knowledge to just say that Clary likes Hellsing.
Too little too late, CC. Clary’s a mono-dimensional self-insert and we all know it.
We then get a conversation covering all that again, minus the anime stuff. Because Clary doesn’t want to look like a nerd or anything in front of Jace.
Jace then proceeds to give a mini-lecture on church architecture. Am I supposed to be impressed by this? And then he starts poking around the alter looking for those weapons they came for. Clary asks if the Shadowhunters have a special deal with the Catholic Church, but Jace says that, since demons are a world-wide threat, Shadowhunters use pretty much any religious site as storehouses for weapons.
This conversation also contains more world building fail on CC’s part. Jace pretty much says that Greek daemons, Persian devas, Hindu asuras, and Japanese oni are all different terms for the same thing. Oh, the problems with this.
First, daemons are more or less nature spirits in Greco-Roman mythology. And they’re actually pretty nice, at least as far as Greco-Roman mythology goes.
Second, devas aren’t Persian, or at least not just Persian. Because they’re also Hindu, where they are, again, nature spirits. And the asuras are spirits of moral/social constructs, like marriage. It’s only later that asuras become evil. Conversely, in Persian/Zoroastrian belief, devas become evil, while the asuras/ahuras are good.
(Full disclosure: all my information about devas and asuras comes from wikipedia, so if anyone knows more about Hindu beliefs regarding them, feel free to correct me. /Ignorant White Guy)
So, yeah. Looks like CC skimmed around a couple mythologies, said “these are bad/evil spirits” and decided to say they’re the same as demons, without bothering to look into the context. Or, in the case of the daemons, picked a word that sounded similar.
Oh, and apart from “daemons,” the other terms are italicized for no reason.
Weird Word Choice: 3
Plot Hole: 3
Also, all these various religions “assist” the Shadowhunters by letting them stash weapons in their places of worship. How they managed to set this up for religions outside of Europe is never gone into.
Plot Hole: 4
So after poking around for fie minutes, Jace finally finds the stash. What’s in there? You’re basic monster hunting kit: holy water, blessed knives (both steel and silver), electrum wire, silver bullets, protective charms, and religious paraphernalia including crosses and Stars of David.
A quick point – why is some of this stuff kept in a hidden alcove? I mean, I haven’t been in many Catholic churches, but don’t they usually have a font near the front door full of holy water? Why not just fill up there? Same for the religious apparel – these things aren’t hard to find, so why keep them in there?
Clary responds to all this stuff with an exclamation of, “Jesus.”
Which Jace makes a joke about.
“I doubt he’d fit.”
Rapier Twit: 2
Dude. Your in a church. Have some decorum.
Clary makes the same point I just did, but Jace brushes it of by saying that, hey, he’s not a believer, so that makes it okay.
Um, no, no it doesn’t. I don’t care that you’re the only ones there, but making that joke is disrespectful to the institution and the religion behind it. I’m not a Muslim, but I wouldn’t make a joke about Mohammed in a mosque, even if it was empty. You know why? BECAUSE I’M NOT A SOCIOPATH!
Clary has a brief moment where she fawns over Jace’s hair (Uh, Clary? Remember Simon? Exsanguination? No?)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 3
and then points out that the existence of demons kind of implies the existence of God/angels, or some similar being, as has been mentioned before. Or at least it would, if this setting’s cosmology wasn’t all fucked up.
And Jace’s argument for being an atheist, or at least an agnostic, pretty reasonable – he’s seen demons, fought them, and even killed them (and yes, he has kept count – over five hundred). But in all that time, he’s never seen an angel, nor has he met anyone who has. Clary points out that, according to Shadowhunter lore, they were created by an angel (never mind the warlock that summoned the angel; he was just a filthy Downworlder, after all), but Jace shrugs that off as a story.
Now, I’ve seen this kind of thing done in other urban fantasies, specifically the Dresden Files series and the TV show Supernatural. In both works, the existence of demons was established, but for a while no one gave any kind of word on whether angels were real in those settings. And both works did eventually establish that angels did in fact exist.
But here’s the critical difference between those series and this one – in both the Dresden Files and Supernatural, the angels tended to be very hands off with regards to our world , or at least more focused on events at a more cosmic level.
Here? One of them literally came down from on high to create these people. It’s part of their lore, their history. It’s only been a thousand years. Was no one keeping records at the time? Or were all the first generation Shadowhunters illiterate peasants?
And it’s not as if Jace provides an alternate explanation for how the Shadowhunters came into being. Does he just assume they randomly popped into existence in the middle of the Low Countries?
On top of all that, it’s implied that holy ground and sacred symbols have some kind of influence over demons/Downworlders. A few chapters ago, you wrecked a vampire’s demonic motorcycle by pouring holy water into the gas tank. Doesn’t all that kind of imply that there’s something behind all this stuff?
Plot Hole: 5
For some random reason, Clary decides to obsess Jace’s lack of religious conviction, but doesn’t bring up any of the points I mentioned above (they’ve completely forgotten about Simon at this point), and Jace gives us some more of his crappy back story.
Turns out his father really gung ho about fighting Downworlders. Jace even gets a bit of Latin right for once, claiming that his father’s motto was “Deus volt” or “God wills it,” just like the Crusaders. But when Papa Wayland got shanked, baby Jace came to the conclusion that either God doesn’t exist, or that He just doesn’t care.
Aw, boo hoo. Your daddy got killed, so you lost all faith in a higher power. How very Hollywood of you. And I hate to break it to you, Jace, but from what we’ve learned about your dad, he was kind of a sick bastard. The whole “Deus volt” thing adds just that hint of religious fanaticism to him to make him really creepy.
Gee, who else have we heard of that has an almost zealous hatred of Downworlders? Ah, never mind. I’m sure it’ll come to me later.
Scene break and they’re on the subway. They haven’t said anything the whole trip, and Clary’s just so worried about Simon. I’d feel more for her if I wasn’t convinced that I could jangle my keys in her face and make her forget about her so-called best friend.
They get off the train and wander around a bit before reaching their destination – the hotel’s all boarded up and abandoned, and someone painted on the sign, changing it from “Dumont” to “Dumort.” And thus we are given our chapter title. At least this time it’s appropriate.
Jace points out the stupid joke, and because CC seems to understand the intelligence of her audience, Clary explains it. Turns out “du mort” is French for “of death.”
No Shit Sherlock: 2
Considering that we’ll soon learn that this is probably a Hispanic neighborhood, that’s just stupid.
Clary starts to point out that the building is condemned, but even she’s not stupid enough to think that vampires would hang out in a normal hotel. Instead, she asks how they get inside. The answer is (derp) that they fly in.
Her brain overtaxed by all this hard work, Clary points out that, hey, they can’t fly. Jace’s explains that they’re going to break in and starts heading around to the back. Well, they’ve already broken into a church tonight, why not a condemned hotel?
Clary starts to get a little hot n’ bothered by Jace’s gung ho attitude, and remembers that he’s got the record for most demon fatalities in his age group. You know, I remember hearing once that insanity might be genetic. That would explain so much here. That and the brain damage.
Jace actually has to explain to Clary to stay out of the light from a nearby hose, what with it being four in the morning and them trying to break into an abandoned building, along with not looking up, because that might alert any vamps watching from the upper levels of the hotel. You know, they’re probably going to figure out what you’re doing anyway, so why bother?
They head down the alley, and Clary notices that there are a lot of small bones in among the typical debris of an alley in New York. It’s a nice detail, and deserving of a better book. One where the main characters are actually interesting. They get to the back, but that’s just as impregnable as the front. Jace points out that any deliveries from when the building was actually a hotel would have been brought to the back, so there has to be a way in. This gets Clary thinking about various places she’s seen getting deliveries on her way to school, and how said places tend to have doors leading below street level for deliveries.
Except there’s a problem with this – all those places have service entrances at the front of the building, not the back. Hence why the service entrances lead underground. Of course, I could be wrong, but it seems a bit pointless to have doors leading down at the back of a building.
But logic has no place in CC land, so Clary shares her supposedly brilliant revelation, and speculates that the vamps might have hidden the service doors under the copious piles of garbage. Jace is hesitant to start moving the dumpster and digging through trash, because then he might get dirty. Oh, he says something about maggots, but that just comes across as him being even more prissy. He starts telling another story about one of the many demons he’s killed, when this happens:
“Don’t.” Clary raised a warning hand. “I’m not really in the mood right now.”
“That’s got to be the first time a girl’s ever said that to me,” Jace mused.
“Stick with me and it won’t be the last.”
Rapier Twit: 4
One for both of them. Jace, it doesn’t count if you paid the girl beforehand, and Clary, you’ve done everything except hump his leg almost from the minute you woke up at the Institute. In short: I hate you both. Please die in a fire.
Because CC needs to pad out her word count some more (God knows why), they start arguing over whether they should tip the dumpster over or try rolling it out of the way. This continues until a random Latino kid stumbles on to them. The kid immediately deduces that they aren’t from that neighborhood. Considering that Jace looks like he should be in advertisements for the Hitler Youth and Clary’s a frikkin’ ginger, I can only assume our Latino friend has at least a functioning brain stem, putting him above most of our cast in terms of intelligence.
Jace admits that they are, while still being prepared to pull a knife or whatever on the kid. Normally, I’d consider this caution bordering on paranoia, but this is Jace we’re talking about. Latino boy tells them the blatantly obvious – they shouldn’t be here, because this place is dangerous. Which Clary decides to explain further.
He means it’s a bad neighborhood.
No Shit Sherlock: 3
Gee, ya think? Did you expect the condemned hotel inhabited by a gang of biker vampires to be in a nice neighborhood?
Clary tries to cover for them, claiming that they’re lost. The Latio Wonder then asks why they were trying to move the dumpster. And it’s at this point that Clary goes “Oh, crap,” because she sucks at making up lies while under pressure. Then why did you lie like ten seconds ago?
Plot Hole: 6
CC, making up character traits on-the-fly only works during the first draft.
Luckily, Jace has absolutely no problems coming up with a story. Unfortunately, his story doesn’t line up with Clary’s. What’s his reason for moving the dumpster? They were looking for a way into the hotel.
You know, I’ve heard that the best lies are the ones with a little bit of truth, but this is just idiotic.
Latino Heat swears in Spanish (guess CC learned something thing from watching Joss Whedon shows), and asks why they’d do something stupid like that.
Jace’s answer? For fun.
The Latino kid tries to convince them to go back to the subway, even offering to lead them there for protection, but Jace is having none of it. And Jace apparently has psychic detective powers, because he’s somehow managed to deduce that our new friend is working for the vampires. The Latino guy tries to play dumb, but Jace doesn’t buy it. They posture at each other for a bit, and we finally get a name for our latest character – Raphael.
I’m tempted to make a Ninja Turtles joke, but I won’t.
Raphael gives us the back story – the vampires have been living in the hotel since before it closed, and the whole neighborhood knows. But they can’t do anything, because no one would believe them.
This would actually be a good setup for a story. Unfortunately, it also makes the Shadowhunters look like they’re either incompetent or lazy. Two chapters ago, Jace said Shadowhunters were willing to condone mind rape as a means of maintaining the Masquerade, but now they can’t be bothered to tell a bunch of vampires to keep things on the down low. The fucking Volturi are better at maintaining secrecy than this. At least they make threats (which they pretty much never follow up on, but still).
Plot Hole: 7
CC just made me praise Stephenie Meyer’s writing. Think about that for a minute.
Jace decides to interrogate Raphael some more. Turns out some of his buddies tried to pull a Lost Boys on the vamps, but didn’t make it out. See what I said about this being a good premise? I’d rather read a book about them than this crap.
Raphael tries to warn them off again, but Clary tells him that Simon’s inside, and Jace whips out his not-lightsaber and says he knows how to kill vampires. Raphael is all impressed, and says that he’s heard about about people like Jace.
Goddammit, why is there even a Masquerade at this point?
Clary spouts off that “all stories are true” line of bullshit, just to piss me off some more. Raphael says he wants to go in with them, but Jace puts the kibosh on that, so Raphael shows them how the guys from earlier got in – a loose grate in the ground.
Jace dives through in a very purple manner,
Both Hands, Ma’am: 4
and Clary soon follows after, with Jace catching her.
Both Hands, Ma’am: 5
They’re in what looks like a basement, and they start poking around a bit, when Raphael drops in on them. Jace gets pissed, but Raphael doesn’t care, and points out that he can’t go back and Jace can’t leave him there. In a surprising show of restraint, Jace admits he can’t, though he is, “thinking about it.”
Personally, I’d prefer to take my chances with the vampires.
Raphael takes the lead, and we get this wonderful comment from Jace:
“I’m really starting to hate mundanes,” he said.
Wait, you mean you didn’t hate them already? Like, you were actually being nice to Simon? Jesus, man, you make pre-near-death experience Belkar Bitterleaf look nice.
Scene break and they’ve explored most of the basement. Seems that the vamps have destroyed most of the staircases, making it difficult for people who can’t fly to move between floors. And Clary can’t seem to grasp this fact.
Seriously, the whole “brain damage” thing is looking more and more plausible by the minute.
They manage to find an intact set of stairs and head up to the main floor. Along the way, Clary stirs up some dust, making her cough. Raphael tells her to keep quiet, because the vampires are close. Clary asks how he knows, and is also offended at being told to be quiet, because how dare someone other than Jace order her around! Look:
[Raphael] wasn’t even supposed to be here. What gave him the right to lecture her about noise?
Maybe the fact that you’re the one making the most noise?
Anyway, Raph tells them that he can just sense the vampires, but all Clary feels is cold. I’d say this would have interesting implications, but I know what’s coming.
They reach the lobby, and it’s empty. There’s an exhaustive description of the place, including Clary mentally comparing a broken stairway to the works of René Magritte. Having just looked at some of his works online, I somehow doubt that CC has ever seen any of his work.
First of all, Magritte was a surrealist, not an abstract artist, despite what CC claims here. That took me about ten seconds on wikipedia to find out. And it’s not like surrealist art is really similar to abstract art. CC, you fail. Doubly so, because it makes Clary, who’s supposed to have art be her “thing” look stupid.
The sight of this prompts Clary to just ask what’s up with the stairs. Jace tells her exactly what I said above – they don’t need them, so they tear them apart. Raphael says it’s sort of a way for the vampires to mark the hotel as their territory.
For some reason, Jace asks if Raphael’s ever actually seen a vampire. He gives a pretty standard description of vampires in modern fiction. And Clary, mistress of stating the blindingly obvious, asks where the frikkin’ vampires are. Jace says that, unlike most modern vampires, CC’s vampires are like bats, and sleep high up. The Lost Boys vibes are getting pretty strong. I just hope a half-senile senior citizen ends up driving through the wall in a truck with giant stakes strapped to the hood.
Clary and Raphael both look up at the same time, but since this isn’t a cheap horror film, the vampires don’t immediately drop down on them. Much to my dismay. Clary notices a scar on Raphael’s neck, but doesn’t think anything of it. This will be important very soon, and it will also make Clary look stupid. I mean, more so than she already does.
Clary says she’s feeling a bit exposed standing in the middle of the lobby and opts for going back to the service stairs. Jace agrees, and there’s a sudden scream. Raphael’s disappeared, and Jace and Clary go looking for him.
They find Raphael’s in another large room, but that’s all. Making this whole bit entirely pointless. Jace tells Raph that they’re going back to the stairs to go up to the next floor, and Raph agrees. He takes the lead, and then Jace chucks a knife into Raphael’s chest.
Clary is shocked by this. I would be too, except I actually pay attention to how Jace behaves. See, not everyone buys into Beauty Equals Goodness, CC.
But this isn’t the real world, so it’s quickly revealed that Raphael isn’t what he appears to be, what with him pulling the knife out instead of bleeding out on the floor. Yep, turns out that Raphael is actually a vampire. And since this is crap fiction, he starts talking to Jace rather than, you know, just attacking him.
It seems Jace thought Raph was a vampire from the minute he showed up, only doubting it when Raph didn’t attack them once they were in the hotel, but switched back again when Raph didn’t leave any tracks from the lobby. Plus, there’s the scar on his throat from the crucifix around his neck. Now, one could say this is proof that Jace is a half-way decent detective, but this is Jace we’re talking about, so I’m just going to chalk this up as him being a paranoid psycho.
More random, stupid exposition. We’re just over half-way through the book, and CC is still explaining things. During a supposedly tense scene. Why didn’t Raph just attack them in the ally? Because that would have been a violation of the stupid obscure rules these people follow. But once Jace and Clary were inside the hotel, the vamps were free to kill them. This is an incredibly stupid rule, for obvious reasons – namely, they’re pretty much killing a cop, or a foreign national. Just because they’re “in your territory” doesn’t mean there won’t be reprisals for this.
But CC needed to find a way to force in another action scene, so that’s what we get.
Clary puts together that Raphael was one of the guys who tried to wipe out the vamps. She might take a while, but she gets there eventually.
Raph congratulates them for being so “clever,” but points out that they also forgot one important thing, and tells them to look up. Jace doesn’t take his eyes of Raphael, but tells Clary to look.
Pop quiz, people! What critical piece of information could our heroes have forgotten to account for during this little exposition dump? You have 30 seconds to come up with an answer.
BZZT! Time’s up. If you said that they’re currently standing in a frikkin’ vampire lair, congratulations! You are more intelligent than a Cassandra Clare character. Which isn’t really much of an accomplishment, what with the bar being set so low. Still, it’s higher than 80’s Slasher Movie character.
Yep. Those vampires that were suspiciously absent before? They’re here now. Raphael somehow managed to call them, and they’ve set up a little ambush for our heroes. This would be an impressive accomplishment if our heroes were, say, competent.
Raphael points out that Jace and Clary are outnumbered several dozen times over, but Jace still has to be talked down by Clary. See, she has a plan!
I’d take Private Baldrick over Clary Fray any day of the week.
So, what is her brilliant plan to get them out of this? To take Raphael hostage. We’ll get to the huge gaping flaw in this plan momentarily.
Even Jace thinks this is a dumb idea, but as its the only other option, he decides to go along with it. Jace lifts Raphael up (when did they walk over to him?)
Plot Hole: 8
and holds a knife to his back. Clary tells the vamps to back off, but they laugh at her.
And now we get to the problem with this plan. Well, several actually.
First, Clary is assuming that vampires would care about one of their fellows being threatened. These are soulless, bloodsucking creatures of the night. Somehow I doubt they’d be all that bothered if you kill one of them.
I suppose that’s not entirely true, as it brings us to the second problem: killing a somewhat innocent vampire, especially on their own turf, is a monumentally stupid idea. “Starting a war” level stupid. Even if Raphael isn’t killed, a pair of Shadowhunters have entered their home and threatened one of them for no apparent reason.
Third is the fact that it’s Clary and Jace behind this. The former is a sixteen-year-old wisp of a girl who couldn’t intimidate a kitten. The latter is a borderline sociopathic man-child with daddy issues. Larry, Moe, and Curly have better chances of pulling this off.
But Clary is the author’s self-insert Sue, so of course one of the vamps recognizes them from the party and tells the others that Clary and Jace are Shadowhunters, so they’ll totally do it, guys.
We get a description of one of the vampires (Asian girl), followed by this:
Clary wondered if there were any ugly vampires, or any fat ones. Maybe they didn’t make vampires out of ugly people. Or maybe ugly people didn’t want to live forever.
I need a minute.
Okay, CC? In all seriousness, that is one of the most horrible, insensitive, and shallow things I have ever read. That is Twilight-level shallow. “Maybe ugly people didn’t want to live forever”? Really? That is most definitely not okay. It is not funny in any way, shape, or form. It is offensive, and shows a profound lack of basic human empathy.
Now, in a certain context, said by a certain character, saying something like that could be a little funny. But this is your self-insert thinking this. Which tells me that you might have thought, or even believe this. And because of that, I now have reason to suspect that you are truly a horrible, horrible person. I’ve certainly made jokes at your expense, but those are directed at you as an author. You might be a bad author, while still being a nice person, and vice versa. But This? This has me wondering about you as a person.
This woman has published nine novels, people, with more on the way. People actually purchase her books and enjoy them.
I’m going to need another minute.
Alright. Well, if nothing else, we now have a prime example of Sturgeon’s Revelation in action.
So, back to this so-called plot. The vamp from before that… digression points out that Clary and Jace are on their territory, so by the idiotic rules this society operates on, they’re free game. Plus, Shadowhunters have killed plenty of vampires, so turnabout is fair play.
But this is logical, and logic has no place in Clare-land. Jace asks to see their leader. The smart vampire tries to point out that Jace doesn’t have a leg to stand on, but gets shot down by the one from the party. Turns out that the head vampire is off in Shadowhunter Land. Jace asks to see the second in command.
And irony of ironies, Raphael is the second in command.
Of course he is. If he wasn’t, then this moronic plan wouldn’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell of working.
Clary offers a trade – Raphael for Simon. They’re a bit surprised to find out that Simon was turned into a rat, but it turns out that one of the vamps mistook Simon for one of their buddies. Also, Simon bit the vampire several times. Go Simon. And said vampire is entirely willing to just give Simon back, no muss, no fuss.
Stated like that it almost makes this whole series of events seem stupid and pointless.
But smart vamp stops the exchange, pointing out that there’s nothing to stop Jace from killing Raphael once Clary has Simon. She seems to be the only smart one. Why isn’t she in charge?
Clary says that they’ll promise not to hurt Raphael, but Lily (the smart vampire) wants them to super-duper-pinky swear. Jace is hesitant. Observe:
“Swearing for us isn’t like it is for you mundanes,” he snapped back angrily. “I’ll be bound forever to any oath I make.”
“Oh, yeah? What would happen if you broke it?”
“I wouldn’t break it, that’s the point-”
Okay, first? Could you please decide whether Clary is a mundane or not?
More importantly, why is this such a big deal? Yes, in Harry Potter, there was the Unbreakable Vow. Except that has very clear and explained consequences for breaking it – namely, death.
Another example: in the Dresden Files universe, wizards and other supernatural beings will sometimes swear on or by their power. The meaning here is that, if they violate that promise, they will no longer be able to use their abilities.
Here? There’s certainly similar implications, but it just looks like an honor thing.
Whatever. The vamps push for Clary and Jace to swear not to hurt Raphael, and Clary says she swears. But Lily, again proving that she’s the only one in the room with a functioning brain, wants them to do it properly.
Jace, being an idiot, tells the vampires to go first. There’s some back and forth to CC can pad out her word count a bit more, and the vamps defer to Raphael. Having not been lobotomized, he agrees with Lily.
Jace moves to stab his hostage (wonderful negotiating skills there), and we get a description of his muscles moving under his shirt.
Both Hands, Ma’am: 6
CC, just get a frikkin’ vibrator. Hell, glue a picture of Tom Felton on it if makes you happy.
Jace points out that Simon is just a mundane, threatening them with the full force of the Law
but Raphael counters that Simon technically trespassed on their territory. Yes, it’s a technicality, but who gives a shit. And then he starts monologing again.
Seems someone pointed out to CC that the whole plot with Valentine seems to have dropped off the radar, so Raphael gets to cram that back in. Yes, the Downworlders know that Valentine is back, and that he’s going to tear down the whole moronic system. He’s the one behind the gatorpede at Clary’s apartment, and the not-Hulk. And Raphael is just so damn giddy about the whole thing.
Plot Hole: 9
So, did CC totally forgot that not!Voldemort planned to kill all the Downworlders? Because this would make sense if, say, Valentine were trying to lead them in an uprising or something. As is, this just makes no damn sense.
Also, this is tremendously bad writing. The audience has probably already figured out that Valentine was behind all of that stuff, so having some random mook explain all of it is just dumb.
But I guess actually having the heroes have to do actual work is just too boring, so we’ll just have the whole thing explained to them. That way CC can get back to the important stuff, like talking about Jace’s fingers or something.
Clary grabs Simon, but since CC has decided that she’s now a distressed damsel, she get’s mobbed. Jace, of course, leaps to her rescue.
Both Hands, Ma’am: 7
Just on principle.
Raphael almost manages to get the drop on Jace, but Simon proves that he’s a hundred times more heroic than Jace by leaping onto Raph and biting the vampire in the arm.
Based on that alone, I’m not entirely certain that he needed to be rescued in the first place.
Simon gets thrown off Raph’s arm but gets back to Clary, and they make a run for it. Or at least try to. They’re completely surrounded, so they’re pretty much screwed. Clary asks if they should stand back-to-back. Jace, possibly realizing that Clary’s about as useful as a screen-door on a submarine, says no, and asks why they would do that. Clary says that that’s what they do in movies when this sort of thing happens.
Rapier Twit: 5
That one’s for CC. This is really not the time for more of your Bad Comedy.
But since Clary referred to what’s going on as a “situation,” Jace comes back with this little gem:
“This isn’t a situation, okay? I save that for when things get bad.”
CC, this doesn’t make Jace look brave or skilled, it makes him look deluded. At this point, he and Clary are almost certainly going to die. You could generously call it “bad.” More accurately, you could call it “a clusterfuck.”
But authorial intervention once again rears its ugly head, because right as the vampires are about to attack and put both the characters and me out of our misery, the werewolves show up, ending the chapter. But first, we get this:
“Now this,” said Jace, “is a situation.”
Rapier Twit: 6
Ha. Fucking. Ha.
This whole damn chapter demonstrates more of the fanfic-ness of this book. The piss poor worldbuilding, the paragraphs of padding, the lazy writing, the bad, forced comedy, and topped off with a deus ex machina.
You know what I would have preferred? Clary and Jace go to the vampires’ lair, knock on the front door, and very nicely ask for Simon back. It might not have been very exciting, but it would have shown that Downworlders and Shadowhunters can in fact be civil to one another. Yes, there’s still tension between them, but they don’t have to be at each others’ throats all the time.
Speaking of, how exactly did the Shadowhunters manage to do any negotiating with the vampires in the first place if the vampires can kill anyone who enters their territory? And why would that kind of thing be allowed in the first place?
Yeah, CC (and many other writers, for that matter) could really have benefited from having a friend tell her when her ideas are stupid and don’t make sense.
On the upside, we have almost definitive proof that Simon is Too Awesome for this series. It’s hard to top attacking a vampire after you’ve been turned into a rat, but he still manages. And yet he still does. We’ll get to that later, though.
And as for… that line, I’m going to move on. However, I will add that to my ammunition to be used against anyone praising this series. Hopefully only as a Nuclear Option, though.
Well, July is over, so I can now turn to other projects, like this sporking. Things will hopefully get back on track. See you guys next time!
Weird Word Choice: 3 (Total 65)
Rapier Twit: 6 (Total 39)
No Shit Sherlock: 3 (Total 27)
Plot Hole: 9 (Total 54)
Random Scene Break: 0 (Total 7)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 7 (Total 15)
Bitch: 1 (Total 15)